Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

TNA 
GENESIS
2007
(11/11/07)
 
Welcome to Genesis! The PPV definitely not headlined by Booker T. No siree. All the signs pointing to Booker can mean only one thing...RUSSO SWERVE! However, I can promise you, it's a former WWE worker, who's been near the top on Pay Per Views, and who both Sting and Vince Russo have developed working relationships with, who has treated fans badly before by no showing much anticipated matches, and want to make amends. Sting's tag partner is none other than...GOD. I mean come on, the Pay per View's called GENESIS. How much more of a hint do you need?

National Anthem time. Words fail to express how little I care. Mute button does the job nicely though. I miss my over dramatic hype videos.
And now I get it! Hooray! Seems to be about birth. They're always so silly. Apparently Abyss is under my bed. Awesome.

BLACK limo with someone inside. Oooh. Maybe it'll explode.

Obligatory Stupid as fuck name for a hardcore match. Black Reign vs Abyss

Reign out first, and when Abyss comes out, they start to brawl. Abyss sends Reign into the ring, and Reign hits a running uppercut, runs again and eats a boot. Plasterboard across Reign's head, Reign into crowd, and we have our first crowd brawl of the night. Abyss sets up trash cans and a chair on the ramp, and November Rain gets a weapon shot. November tries to open a big box. Rainy Roads suplexes Abyss on weird trash cans/chair structure. Back in ring, and Crapdust starts biting down on Abyss's head after a top rope clothesline. Stunner gets two. Shoulda flipped him off. That guarantees a three. Chair set up in corner. Low blow and November Reign sent into chair head first. Barbed wire bat. Shot to gut, November Reign flees. REALLY slowly. Like Nash slow. Not even Abyss makes the brawl on ramp interesting. Chokeslam from top of ramp to floor. Looked good. Abyss vices Reign's hands. With less stupid gimmicks, this could be good. Fucking story of TNA that. Mitchell frees Reign, and distracts Abyss while Reign Blackouts him on mousetraps. Abyss doesn't like board games though, and kicks out. Reign canes Abyss. Abyss Black Hole Slams Reign, and it's over.

Winner: Abbys

Abyss went from winning the title in the main event last month, to a crappy opener. Abyss did his best for a good match. Abyss opens giant box, and a man in a mask, who I can't clearly see MISTS Abyss. Not Muta though. Turns out it's Johnny The Bull. Lame.

Security stops JB from entering the Limo. Our hosts for the night run down the card.

Video builds up to Team 3D vs Motor City Machine guns. Awesome mic work by both teams. Better from the Machine guns. Machine guns cut a very serious promo. Damns straight they're the future of pro wrestling. At least I damn sure hope so.

Motor City Machine guns vs Team 3D

Best thing about tag team wrestling at the moment come out. Out come the stale 3D. Guns take the offence before it even reaches the ring. Into the ring, and some excellent double teams from MMG. Kick combo on Ray, 3D go outside, and fans are hot for the young exciting, charismatic guys who work as a team. Who'd a thunk it? 3D make to leave. Bubba over powers Sabin, who outmanoeuvres him, hitting a rana for 2. Double side slam on Sabin. Ooh, a side slam. Go go Nash offence. Shelley in with kicks. D-Von is down, and MMG are each up op top, but Ray stops them. D-Von with a Shelley is Ricky Morton. If Ricky Morton had a tag partner I cared about, could work better and had a ton more charisma. Hooray for Shelley. Enzuiguri on D-Von. Shelley goes for a tag, but Bubba stops it. Suplex on Shelley. Shelley struggles towards Sabin. Headbutt on Shelley. That shit'll kill you. And your family too. CHINLOCK. Fans get chanting for the guns again. High dropkick on D-Von. Sabin is in, and is a house on FIRE! A Much more exciting, flying house on fire. DTH in corner, followed by a tornado DDT. Sabin tries to lift D-Von, who sets up for something, but Shelley stops it. Poetry in motion sending Bubba off apron. Double high kick in corner. Frankensteiner from the top, Shelley frogsplashes, and D-Von kicks. Git. Bubba blind tags, and blind sides MMG. Lame. Wazzup. Poor Shelley. Shelley. D-Von goes for a table, but it gets dropkicked onto him. TOTAL ELIMINATION! That's who they remind me of! D-Von breaks up the pin. Belt shot, and a doomsday device. Kick out by Sabin. Owned. Table time. Hebner does fuck all about it. He certainly doesn't ring the damn bell...for a DQ. What did you think I meant? Sabin Dodges, and D-Von hits the table in the corner. Kick combo on Ray for 3.

Winner: Sensible booking. The younger, exciting guys go over the stale old guys cleanly. Win.

Angle,JB,Nash and Karen are backstage. Angle argues with everyone.

Hype video for Women's title match.

Women's Title match. Gail Kim vs ODB vs Angel Williams vs Roxy Levaux

VKM accompany Roxy to ring. B.G James is wearing Rhino's T-shirt. Ain't it sweet. Angle out to decent pop. ODB with alcohol down to ringside. And finally, your heroine and mine, Gail Kim , gives a good pre match promo before coming down to ringside. Some fucking tool wolf whistles.

All 3 challengers corner Kim while doing the whole zombie thing with their arms. Kim takes all three out with no problem however. Doubling teaming Gail Kim is a mistake, as she takes Roxy and ODB out. VKM break the pin, and ref sends them backstage. Roxy does something to the ref. Kim posted. I wouldn't mind getting that through the mail. Crap spanking stuff. Shouldn't we be getting away from all that shit with this women's division. Angel Williams superkicks Roxy, and we could do without ODB. Everyone else is working a wrestling match, she's working a diva match. Kim planchas onto Roxy on outside. Angel takes it to ODB. Sexist commentary. Oh fun. Angel uses ropes to turn a crucifix powerbomb attempt into a DDT. Nice one. Tower of Doom spot with challengers. Dropkick from top by Kim, who takes it to Roxy. ODB breaks it with a clothesline. Angel breaks an DOP pin. Spear on Roxy, rude awakening on ODB gets 3 for Kim. YES.

Winner: Gail Kim.

Awesome Kong is out to stare down Gail Kim. Blood feud. That's what we need.

Karen gets into the mystery limo. Jackie Moore, Eric Young and James Storm are drinking inside. Wrong limo.

TNA X Division Title match.

People give money to the “Get me out of TNA so I can stop working this fucking racist gimmick” collection tambourine that Dutt is passing around. Lethal down to ringside.

This should be good if it can avoid gimmicky crap. Dutt hugs Lethal. Fuck, doesn't look good. Quick exchange, and the two men pace each other again. Nice submission from Lethal, but it's flipped into a pin, rollup by Lethal for two. Dutt hits Lethal, and hugs it better. Quick arm drag on Dutt, and Dutt gets pissed off an slaps Lethal. Lethal slaps Dutt, and mockingly offers him a hug. Sonjay angrily sends Lethal out, and hits an absolutely awesome senton onto Lethal. Stomps. When did Dutt become a heel? Shots in the corner, and a running double knee strike in the corner. Hip toss into a dropkick by Lethal, who goes up top for the sledge, which Dutt catches with a dropkick. Bodyscissors on Lethal. Tenay claims it's a camel clutch. No. No Sheiky here. Dropkick from the top rope by Lethal. Moonsault on Dutt, but a charge gets him sent over top rope, but Lethal only gets a bit annoyed, springboard dropkicking Dutt, and sending him out before suicide diving him. The name's no coincidence. GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED and Awesome both did it regularly. Lethal avoids a Dutt moonsault, Dutt lands on his feet, and gets a standing moonsualt on Lethal for 2. Goes up top and shooting star presses Lethal. Lovely facebuster on Dutt. Fireman's carry is turned into a quick tornado DDT by Dutt. Gets two. Two. Lethal fights back after reaching the ropes on a submission. Dutt gets some return offence, springboards, is caught into a Death Valley Driver position by Lethal, which Dutt avoids, only to catch the lethal combination and an elbow drop for 3.

Winner: Jay Lethal

Hug and raise each other's arms between Lethal and Dutt. Lethal calls SoCal Val into the ring, and 3D attacks the X guys. Rudy Charles and other refs are here to break it up. Those scary, scary refs. Somehow, 3D aren't intimidated and hit the 3D on Lethal anyway. D-Von takes money from Sonjay's tambourine. A black guy? Stealing? Foreshadowing of who the partner is right there.

Spinny beer bottle title. Way cooler than any other beer bottle title. Storm and Young continue their drinking contest. Storm wins. Boy that sure was exciting. Young is now drunk.

TNA Tag Team Title Match: Styles and Tomko vs Steiners

Styles and I cannot contain my enthusiasm to the point now where I’m literally audibly cursing the name of the creator Steiner start us off, and Steiner takes Styles down. Crappy chops from Super Steroids Scott Steiner. Styles whips SSSS into a forearm from Tomko, and Styles planchas onto SSSS before sending him back in. Belly to Belly on Styles, and Rick/Tomko are in now. Brawling, and Rick gets a DVD on Tomko. No, not one involving prison. Tomko and Styles make Rick Steiner's last name Morton. Not for long though, and SSSS is a house on fire. It's all that gas. Helps fires. HUUUGE back body drop on Styles, followed by a frankensteiner attempt, that is turned into a powerbomb by Tomko. Styles does the SSSS pose, and SSSS Belly To Bellies Styles. Clothesline on Tomko. Rick is legal; now, and powerslams the champs. Doomsday Bulldog, but Tomko breaks the pin. Pele on Steiner. Cameraman missed most of it. Because he sucks cock. Rana is turned into a powerbomb. No ref to make the count. Styles misses a chair shot, hits a mule kick, and hits a chair shot for 3.

Winners: AJ Styles and Tomko

Roode cuts a promo. I still don't care about this guy.

Roode comes down to the ring. At least Brooks looks nice. Joe is out to fire dance, big pop. Because you know, he's Joe. He gets a big pop Everywhere.

Samoa Joe vs Robert Roode
Roode is chased by Joe. Joe's gonna kill Roode. So sayeth TNA live crowd. Joe ragdolls Roode around, before Roode sends Joe out. Joe casually sidesteps a Roode dive. Hits a suicida forearm on Roode, and a stiff kick. Joe goes for Ole, but doesn't get it. Brawl, and Joe sends Roode into the ring steps. Chop, Kick and Knee drop combo. Spinning kick to Roode's head. Gets 2. Joe sets Roode up for a musclebuster. Roode hits a blockbuster from there. Ref tries to break a choke, and Roode says he's “got 'till five.” Danielson, he ain't. Dropkick on Joe, catches a forearm. Joe charge meets a neckbreaker. Nervehold. Yawn. Lariat on Joe. Restholds. When Joe's not carrying you to a great match, it might be time to accept you're not very good at this whole wrestling thing, Bobby. Roode goes up top, but a top rope thingy is turned into a cutter. Leg Lariat, Arm Lariat, Samoan Drop (~Lariat) Ms. Brookes is laid out on the ramp. Joe hits a powerslam, and we get the Joe powerbomb to Boston crab to STF combo. Joe goes for the clutch, but Roode reaches the ropes and mule kicks Joe, followed by a DDT for 2. Catching uranage, musclebuster set up, but Roode and Joe start trading shots. Roode gets the Northern Lariat, but since he's not using that as a finisher any more, it no longer has any effect. Piledriver on Joe, who kicks out. Joe makes a comeback. Charge eats boot, and Joe avoids the fisherman's suplex, before getting the musclebuster on Roode for 3.

Winner: Samoa Joe

It's difficult to express how little I care about Angle family stuff. Angle goes out to find out who's in the limo. Sting stops him.

The Christian Coalition (TM Derek Burgan) is backstage,and Christian promos on Kaz. Christian says that he has a point to prove, so AJ and Tomko should stay backstage.

Fight for The Right Ladder Match Final: Christian Cage vs Kaz

Tie up, and break. Christian starts striking away at Kaz, who manages to get a series of kicks ending in a back heel kick. Goes out for a ladder, but Christian brings him back into the ring. Sends Kaz running, and chops him. Kaz kicks ladder into Christian's face and moonsaults onto Christian while he's holding a ladder. Nuts. Christian's bleeding. Gets a ladder, propping it between ring and barrier. Kaz puts Cage on the ladder, but a low blow and a legsweep on the ladder take the fight out of Kaz. Fronsplash onto Kaz on the ladder, which doesn't give way. Sick. Christian starts up the ladder, but Kaz stops him. Kaz props ladder on top on Cage in corner, but Cage pushes Ladder into charging Kaz. Ladder set on second turnbuckle, and Kaz's head slingshot into it. Christian starts climbing, but gets blocked. Kaz skins the cat. Same way as everyone else, although apparently there's more than one way. Funk spot on Cage. Christian ladder shots a climbing Kaz. Cage sets up a ladder of his own,and they fight up top. Christian hits an inverted DDT on Kaz. Kaz monkey flips Christian onto a ladder leaned in a corner. Kaz suplexes a ladder onto Christian. Kaz puts Christian on a ladder, climbs a ladder, and goes for a leg drop. Misses. That'll teach him. Christian is up, ladder shotting Kaz. Christian gets the contract in his hands, but Kaz dropkicks him, and the contract falls. Announcers pretend that the clipboard's the part that matters. Styles comes out for support, which distracts Cage, allowing Kaz to collect the contract.

Winner: Kaz.

Moe drinking between Storm and Young. Storm collapses after trying something Young shows him. Young declares himself the beer drinking champion.

Tag For The Title Match: Kurt Angle/Kevin Nash vs Sting/A Mystery Partner (Hey, maybe it's Booker T!)

Nash is leather, making his way to the ring very slowly. He tears his qua-nah. I'm just kidding with you. You would've bought it though, face it. Angle makes his way out next. Sting backstage promo on who his partner is. He then makes his way to the ring, to a good pop. Lights out. Weird synth music plays. Then it changes to a scream of “Can you dig it, Sucka?” Big pop. Fan with a “I knew it was Booker T” sign. Yeah, we kinda all did.

Sting/Angle start us off. Good chain wrestling with Angle getting the better at first, but Sting eventually launches a series of arm drags and hip tosses. Sting with shots on Angle. Angle flees to Nash, hugging his legs. Nash enters the ring slowly. Slow tie up, and Nash slowly pushes Sting into corner, where he unloads knees. Slow, naturally. Fans chant “We Want Booker”. Sting fires back. Angle tagged in, Sting hits a clothesline, and tags Booker, causing Angle to skip from the ring. Trading hammerlocks, Booker with chops and a bodyslam. Booker whipped into a knee from Nash, who tags in. Side Walk slam. Yes, I know it's one word. Tell that to open office, which “corrects” it to pavement. Angle in, applying a headlock, but Booker spin kicks on Angle. Sting in, taking it to both heels, with Splashes and clotheslines, before going for the deathlock on Nash. Angle breaks it up. Nash hits that slam, and Karen's out. Nash stops an Angle pin. Sting starts firing off right hands, but is stopped and german suplexed. Angle Slam turned into a DDT. Booker is in, sending Nash to the outside, and laying the high power moves into Kurt Angle. Spinaroonie. Booker might be a bit happy to get back to his old gimmick. Spin kick on Nash has the pin broken by Angle. Nash Jackknifes Booker T. Sting with the Death Drop. Styles and Tomko come down, taking Sting out. Sharmell comes out to catfight Karen Angle. I miss Joey Styles. Nash goes for the Jackknife, but Angle stops it, and takes Sting out with an Angle slam for 3 to retain.

Winner: Anyone who failed a WWE steroids test.

Had a good time recapping the show, though to be honest, I was a bit off. Just been tired recently, so sorry if it was of a lower quality than usual.

Go check out all the other great stuff here at the fan. Charley Martin continues to get better and better. Which is saying a fair bit, considering how good he started out. Gersh, Cameron and Anthony trade wrestlers with each other in their ECW,RAW and SmaSmackdownnts. You've already read Catherine Perez's always awesome Deadface walking. But, just in case you're truly stupid, go fix this mistake. Burgan continues his recent return to recapping. Absolutely no complaints from me. And Harry Simon does another ancient video. Like your own slice of wrestling history. Only actually entertaining. Go him. Also he finds Lex Luger funny. Don't we all?

 
Send feedback to Neil Cathan

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).