I think it should be known that NCIS blows major ass. Who watches that show? In
case you missed last night’s PPV (who can blame you? It’s like we throw the damn things out every two minutes
these days). This week, we have a special guest host (I’m still hoping for Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal), and new Tag
Team Champions in Edge and Jericho. If you’re thinking to yourself that the decisions for them to be champions makes
no sense, then you’re obviously not GENIUS enough to be in Creative….or you aren’t retarded.
Raw 06.29.09
Show opens with Vinnie Mac’s ugly mug greeting us on the ring
ramp to talk some random trash on Trump saying you will have to pay to watch this crap tonight AND sit through the ads. He
cockatrices saying he could give money back but he’ll not be doing it. Apparently there was a 15 superstar switch up
between the three brands secretly made by Trump. He also makes mention that he’ll keep on the idea of a guest host and
make Batista the host. Chuck Norris he is not. Dave’s got his arm in a brace over his nice little suit coat. Dave makes
himself some matches while Orton decides to come piss on his parade saying that he shouldn’t have come back because
Legacy is now going to come kick his ass with nothing to stop them. Dave points out that if they even look at him funny he’ll
fire them. Out of a cannon. Into Hornswoggle’s nuts. Dave says Vince promised him unlimited power. And with unlimited
power comes a complete lack of responsibility I guess. Batista says Orton will have to face three of Raw’s five new
superstars in a 3 on 1 Gauntlet.
Dave Hilariously can only give a sideways thumb in his brace. The Night of Champions
tournament starts tonight with the winner facing Orton at the PPV. Keeping pimping that PPV spam guys. How do you have a tournament
with only four guys and why is one of them The Miz? That’s like trying to decide the world’s greatest superhero
and one of the contestants is the fucking Elongated Man.
Random Commercial Thought: It takes two to tango with an idiot.
Back
to the show for MVP against Triple H in the “tournament”. MVP is coming to lose. The story here is Trips has a
bum leg so as to make it “Fair” for the lowly MVP I guess.
Triple H vs. MVP
Trips gets a shoulder
block in but seems to trip on his leg but keeps kicking MVP’s ass. MVP decides to say fuck it and goes after the leg,
working it over the ropes and kicking it out from under trips to deliver some elbows to the inside knee. Trips looks to go
for a spine buster but is tripped up into a Figure Four from MVP. King calls this “Adding injury to that uh…infamous
injury.” Trips fights free but is tripped up once more before he finally catches MVP with a knee and goes for the pedigree.
MVP escapes by kicking the leg and delivers Ballin’ for two. I’ve never noticed how saying he delivers ballin’
sounds so gay. MVP misses his running boot in the corner but he stops himself. Once again a pedigree attempt but he’s
planted by MVP and then eats the boot in the corner for another two. Playmaker takes for fucking over but Trips spins out
into the pedigree and wins with his only move of the match. Oh wow I am so surprised. I can barely contain my excitement.
I am so happy that Triple H was here to stop the possible push of a big scary black man. I was almost forced to be tolerant! Winner:
Triple H
Random Commercial Thought: Finally we got Ali back in a boxing game and we can pit him against Tyson and see
if his ears taste as good as Hollyfield’s.
We come back to a replay of how Edge and Jericho undeservingly became
tag team champions. Jericho comes out for the rematch with the Colons now. I gotta rant for a second on this. What the fuck
is the point of having a tag team division if we constantly reinforce the idea that the tag teams we have are weak in comparison
to any singles star? They always ANNIHILATE the tag teams when two random douche bags team up and win the belts. It’s
fucking retarded and makes the belts look as valuable as a set of NASCAR plates. Jericho talks about how he’s being
forced to appear on Raw not by choice but because he’s so fucking good. Edge points out that Jericho should thank him
for being a champion again. Primo and Carlito interrupt Edge after he calls everyone in the audience losers. Pretty spot on…oh
wait. HEY!
Primo Colon & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Edge & Chris Jericho (Tag Team
Title Match)
Primo starts off with Jericho and Jericho works a goofy looking head lock. Jericho shoulder blocks and
taunts before being leapt over by Primo and eating a dropkick into head scissors. Nice kick sweep from Primo and Primo blocks
a cheap shot from Edge by kicking his as son the apron. Jericho is sent to the floor as well and the Colons deliver a double
baseball slide as we slide off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: In the world of Monster Hunter you are never
alone…you are surrounded by horrible giant beasts descended from hell itself!….somehow this isn’t comforting
at all.
Back to the show where Jericho is working a headlock on Primo to the mat. During the break, the colons predictably
got wrecked as all faces do when we aren’t looking. Jericho slams Primo with a weak ass suplex for two. Edge tags in
and continues the beat down with several kicks. Jericho comes back and continues the double team until he completely misses
a corner leap. Primo makes the tag and Carlito is in with a springboard dropkick on Jericho. Carlito continues to take down
Jericho, picking up two off of a neck breaker. Jericho delivers a short elbow and missed the lionsault, landing on his feet
but taking a moonsault from Carlito for two. Carlito grabs for the Apple Jack but Jericho turns and put him in the walls.
Carlito refuses to be flipped so he’s launched to the corner where he clotheslines Edge and leaps back out for another
two on Jericho.
Edge makes the tag and tries a spear on Carlito but it bomb. Primo distracts and Carlito gets the Apple
Jack. Jericho breaks up the pin and Primo takes him down with a flying clothesline. Edge and Carlito are up and a rising knee
sets up the springboard elbow drop. Primo is pushed into the ropes from outside by Jericho and it makes Carlito fall on his
ass, allowing a spear from Edge for three. Winners: Edge & Jericho
Carlito seems to be pissed with Primo. If
this bullshit title change leads to an unnecessary tag team break up of the colons I’ll be even more pissed about this
crap.
Random Commercial Thought: During the break I watched someone actually manage to loose to Glass Fucking Joe.
Back
to the show where Batista confronts Legacy in the back to tell them that if Ted or Cody show up in Orton’s match they
will be fired on the spot. This is decidedly different from what I’ve been hoping for in them being set ON fire, but
oh well. And now a video package for Cena and the Miz which is probably the most retarded feud to ever get a promo package.
This is apparently SO FUCKING EPIC we need a commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Keep your Edge with Just For Men.
I wonder if Nair gets rid of him?
Back to the show. John Cena looks ridiculous in the fake John Deer stuff. For some
reason King and Cole call both men hot and I’m seriously doubting their professed heterosexuality.
The Miz vs.
John Cena
Miz attacks first off and beats Cena down against the ropes only to get his ass ran over with a reverse elbow
and a suplex. More elbow drops and Miz kicks out at one. They uninterestingly brawl for a little while until Miz gains the
upper hand and keeps kicking Cena around. A running near lift and neck breaker combo picks up a two count. King celebrates
the GRAPHIC FOOTAGE of the neck surgery for Cena since Miz is going to the neck. Yay for nasty footage no one ever wanted
to see like that show about baby births. Miz counters a rallying attempt and wracks Cena’s neck on the ropes before
another neck breaker gets two. Miz beats him into the corner and has to be dragged off by the ref to stop kicking his ass.
Random
Commercial Thought: The guy who brought you Borat….brings you the same stupid fucking concept again.
Back to
the show. Miz is still wrecking Cena as if we should even begin to believe this makes sense. He hits his running kick in the
corner on Cena but when he goes up top Cena scoops him up for an FU. Miz slips out and drops him with an electric chair for
two consecutive two counts. Miz gives some leg drops to the back of the head and levels Cena with a running kick for two.
Miz mistakenly trash talks and gets a drop toe hold but blocks the STF with a kick. Miz leaps onto Cena like a little monkey
and puts on a sleeper. I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. You can’t just tell us Miz has power to beat Cena after
all his humiliations now like he got one of the mother fucking Infinity Gems.
Cena breaks free, backing Miz into the
corner and goes to his usual offense. Cena sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle and follows it with the flashback. Cena is up
top now for the guillotine leg drop and it connects, allowing for the STF and the win. Winner: Cena
Cena smirks
as if to say “Okay okay I let the kid look good, can I stop feuding with him now?” Cena will face Trips in the
finals now…OH MY GOD I AM SURPRISED.
Random Commercial Thought: John Dillinger was never quite that badass, but
it’s going to be a good movie anyway.
In the back, Legacy is having a faggoty little touchy-feely session. Ted
says his dad will be guest host next week so maybe they can get some revenge. Orton is mad because it won’t save him
tonight. I like Ted Sr. so this ought to be cool. Mickie James and Kelly Kelly are going to be in a Fatal Fourway (not as
kinky as it sounds) for the #1 Contendership after these message from our sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought: Transformers
2 is ass.
Back to the show where Rosa and Beth didn’t deserve an entrance I guess.
Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa
Mendez vs. Mickie James vs. Kelly Kelly (Fatal Fourway Match)
The heel divas get destroyed overly easily and sent to
the floor. Kelly and Mickie tie up but Rosa tries to make a run in. She takes a double dropkick before Beth is in from behind
with a tackle on Mickie and kicking Kelly around for two. Uh…massive clusterfuck now with all four divas putting each
other in holds. It’s obviously designed just to bend them in weird ways and make it look hot before Beth breaks free
and rams the rest into the corner. Mickie and Beth square off with Beth back handing Mickie away only to be rolled up by Kelly
for two. Mickie tackles Kelly into a rollup for two and Rosa uses a backslide on Mickie for two. Beth breaks it up and Mickie
fights them both off. Beth suplexes Rosa and covers for a two count that Kelly breaks up. This is confusing and stupid.
Beth
gets double teamed with overly yelling women punches from the faces and Kelly covers for two while Mickie casually watches
without breaking it up. Mickie drags Rosa around by the hair who seems to be refusing to get up so she has nothing to do.
Big power slam by Beth that was really awesome on Kelly but Mickie breaks things up. Mickie delivers a head scissors that
sends Beth to the apron. A baseball slide knocks her off to hit her head on the steps. Rosa and Mickie now with Rosa eating
a DDT for three. Winner: Mickie
It’s worth noting that Rosa didn’t know how to take a DDT and just sort
of rolled over in it awkwardly. Elsewhere, we see Big Show in the back looking like he’s auditioning for a role as Moist
in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog 2 with the amount of water on him.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t
really like bacon at all.
Kofi Kingston is here to take on The Big Show. Things aren’t really looking up at this
point.
US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show (Non-title Match)
Kofi gets his ass handed to him, being tossed
around like a little toy. You know, like black people should be! Kofi tries to fight his way up but Big Show squashes him
down with a big boot. A scoop slam from Show who even for him seems to be phoning it in today. An elbow drop misses and Kofi
gives a big leaping kick to the chin. Kofi assault with rapid blows but tries to whip Big Show which of course fails. Kofi
slips out of the corner with his kick to the head and a missile drop kick sets up Boom Boom Boom for two when he is launched
across the ring. Kofi leaps onto Show in the corner for some mounted punches but is thrown off to the floor. Show gives chase
with some big chops. B Big Show presses Kingston over his head to seemingly toss him back in but Kingston escapes by sending
him into the ring post and we end with a lame double count out. Winner: Nobody ha ha.
Random Commercial Thought:
The new USB Loader makes buying Wii games a thin of the past.
Back to the show. Orton is here to introduce us to our
new superstars. Opponent number one is Evan Bourne. Well that is pretty cool. I like him. Match one go.
Gauntlet Match
#1: Evan Bourne
Bourne looks like a tiny tiny man. Orton kicks him down and locks Bourne up for a clothesline that
misses. Bourne delivers a flying reverse elbow and he hangs on when Orton tries to dump him. Bourne rolls through an attack
into a two count before keeping the pressure on with some quick attacks and another cover for two out of a back heel kick.
Orton grounds him and starts stomping on the midsection. Bourne rallies back and keeps Orton reeling, catching him with a
kick in the corner. A flying, top rope double knee to the face and Bourne is up top a second time, but Orton grounds him with
an attack to the ropes and an RKO off the top for three. Winner: Orton
Not wasting time because we didn’t
bother to leave much time for this at all, Jack Swagger is our next man up. What did we just steal everyone that was any good
from ECW?
Gauntlet Match #2: Jack Swagger
Swagger delivers a swift belly to belly suplex to Orton to crush him
then stands on the apron and grins with his arms crossed at Orton like an asshole until the ref counts him out. Whyyyyy? Winner:
Orton
Swagger says he’s always liked and respected Orton and just wanted to leave a lasting impression so they
shake hands and he waddles off. Opponent number three is Mark Henry. Oh I guess we got some not so good ECW guys too. Why….why….WHYYYYYYY.
Gauntlet
Match #3: Mark Henry
Henry comes to the ring to say he’s always liked and respected Orton as well and he wants
to make an impression too, a good one. Henry’s version of impression is apparently to throw Orton across the ring and
then leave. Oh bullshit. Henry reveals he was kidding and gets back in the ring. Orton drops to his knees and begs like a
small child. Henry proceeds to throw him across the ring again. Charming. Henry stomps Orton into the corner, working him
over with a body slam as well. Orton tries an RKO but Henry just catches him with the World’s Strongest Slam for three. Winner:
Henry
After the match, Batista just laughs on the ring entrance while the show goes off the air and we’re left
wondering why we couldn’t trade for ANYONE but Mark fucking Henry. God damnit.
Highlight of the Night: Evan Bourne
on Raw. Great to see him, awesome showing already.
Lowlight of the Night: MARK FUCKING HENRY.
WWE “Creative”
Award: The Miz is viable!….bullshit.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
