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By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to Raw as we hype up for the Rumble, expect um…not much probably.

Raw 01.10.11

The show opens from theme straight to the tag team champions arriving as King declares we’ll get a Hall of Fame inductee tonight and he’s the greatest of all time. Cena will also be joining us to respond to getting his ass beat. Nexus attacks Marella and Koxlov before the match gets started. After Nexus finishes demolishing them, Punk says the title match is being rescheduled for a later date. Punk basically says he can lead Nexus to the greatest moments of their careers if they let him. Punk says Nexus will be undergoing initiations tonight into the new group to go with their rocking new shirts before declaring Michael McGuillicutty has to get his ass kicked by Nexus as his. So they do. It’s finished off by a 450 and the GTS. They carry him out afterward like he’s Caligula or something (I just fit eleven minutes of wasted time into one paragraph and it didn’t even need that).

Random Commercial Thought: Floating heads do not a commercial make, WWE.

Back to the show for R-Truth singing. Save us all. Alberto Del Rio‘s announcer is already in the ring and does his honors.

R-Truth vs. Alberto Del Rio

Truth starts off strong with some punches. Truth kicks and punches, chucking Del Rio to the corner for some mounted punches. Del Rio comes back with a shot to the corner on Truth who bounces out into what looks a lot like the Apple Jack (my name for Carlito’s backstabber to those of you who don’t know). Rio gets two and follows with mounted punches. Truth ducks a clothesline and fires back with a head scissor. They both fall to the floor off of a clothesline from Truth. They start a ten count and Del Rio’s announcer starts yelling at Truth about What’s Up on the mic. He gets decked with a right, but Rio makes it back in the ring at ten to win the match.
Winner: Del Rio

Truth storms off in a huff (actually he takes it pretty well). Rio says he’s going to win the Rumble and he wants to show us some real music, mariachi music. He begs his announcer to do some singing for him. Oh my God, I suddenly want Jillian Hall back.

Random Commercial Thought: What happened to quality, Toyota? I say you embrace the spirit of Japan and include free tentacle rape with every new car.

Back to the show for King whining about getting his ass kicked by the Miz, which causes more whining between him and Cole before the GM interrupts things. The crowd shits on this so hard now it’s impossible to hear him. The GM says he supports Michael Cole in every conceivable way….yeah…”even though he’s a conceited, pompous, arrogant, self-centered, pretentious jerk.” That was good…oh no wait it says just kidding and the reality is Michael Cole has done a phenomenal job and is the epitome of manhood with the guts to stand up against popular opinion. I’m beginning to believe that Cole is the GM more and more now. He lists off his accomplishments as I have to wonder why we spend so much time putting this guy over. Also it says he’s good looking. King interrupts things saying he just received a message from the WWE Universe and he quotes “Will you shut up?”

King calls him a coward, and approaches the computer stand and Cole says if he touches him, he’ll be fired by order of the GM. King closes the computer so we receive another message. It assures us Michael Cole is not a coward and neither is King so it’s going to be King and Orton against Miz and Riley tonight.

Elsewhere in the back, Husky Harris gets tied up and whipped. This is a long and incredibly uncomfortable scene to watch. All it really needed was more Choppy Choppy Your Peepee and maybe it wouldn’t have just been a deleted scene from Hostel. It goes on for several minutes with no speaking, just grunting and breathing.

Random Commercial Thought: Burritos shouldn’t crunch.

Back to the show…the Big Show as he appears following a recap of NXT that nobody cared about. Show is happy to be here and thanks the GM for having his time right now because he wants to discuss Wade Barrett. He says he’s going to knock him out this Friday (and by Friday he means Tuesday). The second thing is that he’s letting everyone know he’s going to fuck them up at the Rumble. Nexus interrupts things (what’s left of them) and I have to say their new shirts are actually pretty awesome designed. Otunga charges the ring and realizes nobody came with him. He pauses and decides to come out anyway and picks a fight with a slap to the face. He then reals back looking like he’s about to cry. Show hilariously just looks at him before kicking the shi out of him all around the ring and ringside.

He gets paddled over the announce desk like a red-headed stepchild, I mean like Heath Slater. The crowd chants for a knock out but Show destroys him with a choke slam in the middle of the ring instead. I beat Gabriel and Slater are hoping for initiations that involve picking fights with Yoshi Tatsu instead. Punk, Slater and Gabriel declare black power fists following Show delivering the knock out punch to an already grounded Otunga. The Nexus of Domination might want to do some actual dominating though.

Random Commercial Thought: Chopsticks is an epic song, you shall not disrespect it.

Back to the show for John Morrison/Sheamus 25. Morrison’s entrance is accompanied by a replay of the title match from last week. King says the first Hall of Fame inductee will be announced tonight and it’s the greatest superstar of all time. Clearly it is Disco Inferno.

King Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Signal keeps cutting out at the beginning here, but somewhere in the darkness, the Gambler he broke even and in his final words- oh no wait, Sheamus is clothes lining Morrison, never mind. Sheamus picks up a two count off of an elbow drop. Sheamus rakes the eyes and chokes Morrison out on the ropes while Cole and King whine about King’s opportunity to get back at Miz. WHY is that feud still going? Sheamus gets another two count off of an elbow drop and applies a  modified bow and arrow lock. Morrison kicks his way free. Morrison fights back with several kicks but gets punished out of the corner by kicks from Sheamus to the legs. Morrison drops Sheamus with something when I’m not looking but Sheamus shoves him to the floor when Morrison tries for a Starship Pain.

Random Commercial Thought: the new Cox commercials are epically lame, and I have no idea why Santa Clause Conquers the Martians is in them.

Sheamus is working a submission and delivers a running power slam for a two count. Sheamus picks up another two count while Morrison tries to crawl away on his side to the corner. Morrison tries to kick out at him and Sheamus just stops on his ass and goes back to a submission. Morrison escapes and tries to set up for a Flash kick but Sheamus ducks. Morrison manages to pull a rope down and send Sheamus to the floor when he tries to charge. Morrison slingshots out over the ropes but eats a knee to the chest for his trouble. Nice job. Sheamus slams him chest first onto the steps before taking it back inside.

Cole says Sheamus smells blood which might happen if they weren’t pussies and would show some again. Sheamus sets up for the kick, but Morrison can’t even get to his feet and just falls down so Sheamus kicks him in the back instead before setting him up top for a superplex. Morrison slams Sheamus’ face into the post and delivers the running knee when Sheamus falls to his ass, picking up the sudden three count.
Winner: Morrison

We get a replay of initiations from earlier in the night in case you missed the beat downs. Harris getting whipped is just fucking creepy. Who on the writing team has the bondage fetish with fat guys? Punk approaches Slater and Gabriel with kendo sticks and says for them not to worry because he’s not going to beat them with the kendo sticks (They are Shinai actually….)…because they are going to do it themselves and do it until he tells them to stop. They prep forever and Punk says he expects them to swing for the fences or he’s kicking them out. Kick out Slater…please kick out Slater. When they hesitate again, he yells at them to do it then they look at their sticks, look at him….and wind up.

Punk demands they hit him then if they want to. Why not get a crown while you’re at it. They pussy out. Oookaaay? King reminds us of the hall of fame inductee.

Random Commercial Thought: I really loved the beta of DC Universe Online.

Back to the show where King is in the ring rocking a shirt Richard Simmons might be ashamed to wear. He says less than a 100 of the deserving wresters have been inducted and lists off skills that good superstars have. In case you couldn’t have guessed by now, it’s Shawn Michaels. Cue sappy video montage. Michaels actually makes an appearance afterward, though he’s still rocking that camo bandana. He doesn’t have the beer gut for his own hunting show. Nice of them to have his pyro cued up.

Before Shawn can say anything, he’s interrupted by Del Rio who says he’s the present and future while Michaels is the past. He tries to get lippy and eats a super kick. His scarf hilariously falls over his face before Shawn delivers a nature boy strut and cools off his foot. I admit that was funny. Hey, he just stole his scarf, arrest that man!

Random Commercial Thought: Where’s an egg?

Back to the show where Miz is bitching to Riley that all anyone will talk about is Orton winning last week instead of his amazing match. Honestly, yeah his match was way better than Orton’s. His problem is that no one gives him the respect he deserves. We then see Cole in the ring who is interrupted by CM Punk on the top of the titantron before I even bothered to hear what Cole was saying. Probably wasn’t important. Punk says the others have sacrificed themselves for their initiations so apparently he’s going to do the same…by reenacting Owen Hart’s most memorable moment? He actually goes on as if he’s about to commit suicide, because it will prove that he was not only a member of Nexus, but he was their leader. Nice past tense use. Punk asks if he should dive (big cheer, remember when everyone cheered for the people leaping from the World Trade Center? Comedy!). He asks if he should rupture every muscle and break every bone before doing his
 Titanic pose.

Punk pauses and says he has one more question…how gullible are we? He lifts his shirt to show he wearing a harness and has a cord on his back and he’s safer than any of the people sitting in their seats…unless you’re Owen Hart. He asks what kind of idiot jumps off the Titan Tron. Didn’t Jeff Hardy do that once? Punk’s music plays before Harris, Mcguillicutty (I don’t care if I’m spelling it wrong) and Otunga come out. Punk comes to the ring as well and says anyone who thought he was gonna jump is an idiot and anyone who would consider that is retarded. He says he doesn’t need an initiating, he’s the leader of the new Nexus.

Punk is interrupted by Cena who is on the screen saying Punk is wasting everyone’s time when Cena has already given all of the members a physical initiation, but there is one he hasn’t done yet, CM Sucks. Is he seriously still going with that? It doesn’t even sound like he’s buying that line when he says it. Punks says he won’t be intimidated by him, but Cena challenges him to a match next week to prove it. Punk accepts and Cena gets all serious time because Punk is right, he gets violent and brutal when provoked. Like a cop.

Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes when faced with certain matches, I wish the commercial would never end.

Back to the show where Matthews is on the mic again to fill in for Lawler in the ring.

WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley vs. Jerry the King Lawler & Randy Orton

King starts off with Riley. Miz runs from Lawler who charges him. Riley catches Lawler from the rear (haha….gay joke) and holds him for Miz. Miz comes in on Lawler, but the tables are quickly turned and Miz is beat down on the ground. Miz escapes to the floor where he’s slammed into the table several time and into the ring edge before eating the steel steps. Mis eventually makes a tag to Riley who gets wrecked hard as well. Orton tags in and stalks him but allows a tag to Miz. Miz immediately is sent down to the mat and stomped on hard by Orton. Lawler tags back in and gears up with right hands on Miz.  He beats Miz into the floor in the corner, but Miz rallies back and grounds Lawler with a headlock. Miz sets up Lawler in the corner and delivers his riding clothesline as we head off to commercial (while already in overtime here)

Random Commercial Thought: Fairly Legal looks Fairly Shit.

Back to the show where King fights free fo a submission by Riley who tries a corner charge and slams his shoulder into the ring post. Miz distracts the ref from the tag to Orton who prevents him from coming in. Miz gets his tag and  goes for the skull crushing finale, but Riley is hurt on the apron so the ref is distracted, allowing Miz to take the RKO from Orton. King covers, but only gets two when Riley breaks it up. Riley is in now with Orton getting a tag and doing his general offense. He crushes Riley with the backbreaker and keeps staring at Miz on the floor in between shots. Riley eats the suspended DDT and Orton sets up for an RKO, managing not to hurt himself. Miz tries to sneak in but Orton whirls on him and stares him back out.

Riley tries to attack Orton from behind who just blind RKOs him. Orton dares Miz to come in and face off before making the tag to King. Orton just stands between Miz and Riley (the ref no longer cares apparently) while King finishes off Riley with the fist drop for three.
Winners: Orton & Lawler

Highlight of the Night: A pretty dismal show overall. I can’t really recommend this broadcast, but if I had to pick a highlight it goes to Morrison and Sheamus, though that matchup is getting boring.

Lowlight of the Night: What’s more boring and drawn-out than a Nexus beat down segment? Several of them…done to themselves.

WWE “Creative” Award: I don’t get the initiation thing. Maybe they should have not done this? It was boring as hell.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).