RAW RANT

WWE RAW RANT: (07/14/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show where continuity is never an issue. The preview for tonight’s show called Kane’s meltdown unpredictable. You know, despite him doing this on a regular basis for the last several years. I’m beginning to worry that with all the success off of these summer blockbusters reigniting old comic book hero and movie franchises, the WWE might jump on the bandwagon. No Holds Barred 2 coming in 2009? God help us all at the resurgence of Hogan’s sweaty ass crack.

Raw 07.14.08

Show opens with a recap of last week’s Four way match, ending with Kane destroying our “beloved” announce team. Speaking of how fucked up Kane is, he has a weird looking belly button. It looks like his stomach is trying to birth a marble or something. My only complaint about last week’s ending is that Kane didn’t off Cole by shoving a cell phone down his throat. I want to know how much this guy got paid to sit down with a copy of Adobe After Effects and add as many filters as possible to this footage. We then go to Stephanie and Shane who are pissed that no one has listened to them, but they have been unable to attend Raw recently, but if nobody listens, some shit will go down next week. This speech feels like some kind of infomercial…

And the funniest thing ever is we cut from this DIRECTLY into Shawn Michaels and Jericho kicking each others ass at ringside. Yeah, that speech worked well. Cade comes to the rescue and the refs have to drag them all away before the announcers are interrupted by Kane. Cole shits his pants. Kane is bringing a sack with him, and something tells me this isn’t a bag of goodies foretelling his return to being The Christmas Creature. Cole hides behind King while Kane stares them down before once again running off Lillian and crew who get the fuck out of dodge this time. He breathes really hard and leans over the table before….apologizing. Aw, that’s cute. We then cut to the back for Michaels, Cade and Jericho still flailing about on the ground. This is…awkward.

Back to ringside for Mickie James who didn’t have to fuck the Undertaker to get her title. Katie Lea is here for a rematch.

Katie Lea w/ Paul Burchill vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Katie goes to a sloppy full nelson which Mickie reverses into a backslide for two. Mickie uses a front flip to pick up a second two count before Katie tries to rally back…by running into an elbow. Katie reverses a head scissors and levels Mickie on the apron. Hair dragging ensues which reminds me of the Hills Have Eyes for some reason. I think I’d rather be watching that. Lame looking chinlock from Katie. Mickie punches her way free, but Katie uses an odd headlock take down to get two. Katie proceeds to shove Mickie into her cleavage in hopes of suffocating her I guess. Mickie fights free but is set up top where she counters and tries a tornado DDT. Katie escapes and gets caught by the head scissors instead. Mickie up top now with that Lou Thesz Press that still looks as stupid as ever for the win.
Winner: Mickie

Post match, Paul holds Mickie for some bitchslapping when…Kofi Kingston arrives, his pants falling right the fuck off in the process. Haha! Nothing can contain the Jamaican…even his clothes. I thought Mickie was already getting Cena’s black dick…what do you mean he’s not black? Kofi sheds his shirt too and calls Paul out who starts to return to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell is his movie’s theme Paper Planes?

Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston w/ Mickie James vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea (Intercontinental Championship Match)

Kofi is delivering a double leapfrog into a back elbow and tackle Burchill in the corner. Roll up by Kingston picks up two before he decides to stick with his style…and put on an arm bar? Kingston picks up another two count and goes back to the arm bar. Yawn. Burchill knocks Kingston down with a shoulder block but runs right into a dropkick before Kingston goes right back to working the arm. Kingston tries to leap frog in the corner when Burchill rallies, but Paul catches him and drops Kingston right onto his foot. Ouch. Two count for Burchill.

Burchill goes to a waist lock, which just ends up making this looks like some kind of weird fetish porn. Kingston elbows out but is face planted for his trouble and Burchill starts to senton onto the gut for two. Back to the waist lock. Burchill runs into a knee to the jaw in the corner and Kingston now with rights and kicks. Kingston unleashes some quick offense and a back-flipping Russian Leg Sweep. Jamaican leg sweep? Shuffle leg drop as Mickie takes out a Katie Lea and Trouble in Paradise locks it up.
Winner: Kofi

Mickie hugs Kofi and secures his chance to Jamaican her world rock.

They declare the leg drop to be the “Thunderclap” since the “Thundersyphilis” was already taken I suppose. Santino is talking to Matt Striker and says he made an open invitation to the entire roster to fight him. Someone is dead meat….behind him is Kane. He wants to know where Punk is. Santino tells him to try the Pepsi machine (AHAHAHA, or maybe the G.I. Joe aisle). He finally directs him to the locker room.

Random Commercial Thought: Well, requesting someone to fill up your car when they want it, is a good way to make them stop I guess.

Back to the show. Kane is still carrying around his Happy Sack and says even though he partnered with Punk, he wants a one on one match tonight. He says he needs this, and with the way he’s shaking I’m beginning to think he may have contracted Punk’s addiction to competition and is having the shakes. Punk says he needs to prove he’s the real deal so he’s on, but when asking about the bag, Kane just chuckles and leaves. We cut to Cena who gives a long promo about accepting JBL’s challenge for a parking lot brawl at the GAB. It mostly involves kicking his ass as you can probably figure it out from most of Cena’s promos. Cena says he has a challenge of his own because he and Cryme Tyme want to meet him for a six man tag team match. He claims they hate JBL as much as him which begs the question of why? Don’t trust Whitey?

Random Commercial Thought: Guitar Hero is getting out of hand.

Back to the show where Santino is waiting for someone to accept his challenge and whoever it is going to be “Deaf Meat”. I assume they will be processed in a kosher style minus their ears. Beth Phoenix accepts as she grabs Chyna’s penis on the way down the aisle for this match.

Santino Morella vs. Beth Phoenix

Beth matches the tie up with Santino. They flex at each other and Santino delivers a slap, but steps back from all of hers before tripping her up. Beth reverses it and he stops her punches with a gentle caress…which gets him punched. Santino works up into a headlock, claiming he has the power (of Greyskull?). Beth hoists him up for an atomic drop and Santino rallies back with screams of being a man. She dodges in the corner and rolls him up for three.
Winner: Phoenix

Santino runs away from her after being pissed off for a bit. Elsewhere, we see Kelly getting ready for her match….three women’s matches in one night? What the hell is going on here? Show needs more testosterone.

Random Commercial Thought: You should never trust Kevin Spacey, he’s Kaiser!

Back to the show. Wow, the GAB theme is terrible. Who picks these songs anyway? Yoko Ono? Kelly Kelly is here to let us know that golden chaps are always in season. Instead of an opponent we get the tag team champions. Ted says they don’t care she has a match and tells her to leave…why thank you, Ted. Thank you very much. Cody says they are better than their fathers in becoming Tag Team Champions so fast….despite not beating anyone of note. Ted says they are the future but here comes a “HOOOOOOO.” Hacksaw, you’re late, Kelly already left. He says he’d known them since they were kids and has wrestled in the same ring as their fathers who are old school like him (D-did Hacksaw say old school?). He says they were respected (well, at least Rhodes and Dibiase were anyway). He says they still have a lot of growing up to do as people. Cody says a 54 year old man in gym shorts shouldn’t be saying that, one who’s trying to relive glory days that
he never even had. Ouch. Ted says it makes him think about something Stone Cold says, which was unless you think you have what it takes to become a champion, then you shouldn’t even be in the WWE. I’m pretty sure he didn’t say WWE. Ted says he doesn’t have what it takes and claims it is the same 25 year old 2x4, which isn’t true, that’s some new wood he’s got. He calls him pathetic. They start to leave before JBL comes on the screen and offers them the opportunity to Main Event by joining him as his tag team partners tonight. I love how no one even cares how Hacksaw feels. Way to make an old man cry.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody stop these Truth commercials before they form a black hole of suck.

Back to the show where we replay last week’s ending again before Kane comes to the ring dragging his luggage. Maybe he’s moving. Here comes Punk as we discuss who is most likely to lose their belt this Sunday. Probably no one.

Kane vs. World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk (Non-title Match)

They dance around for a bit with Punk doing a little ballerina spin for some reason. I think he forgot where he is. Punk tries to slide through the leg but Kane grabs him by the hair and hammers Punk into the mat. Kane starts huffing like he’s leaking air and about to deflate like that doll I bought last week….I mean like a tire. Kane gets slammed out of the ring where he gets pissed and stairs at a guy at ringside. Punk baseball slides, but Kane sidesteps and uppercuts him. Back in the ring.

Kane starts dropping elbows and rights before crushing Punk with a clothesline in the corner and pinning for two. Punk eats some more canvas, which I hear is part of this balanced breakfast. Kane decides to really turn up the heat now…with a headlock. Kane runs him over with a boot and goes back to the headlock. Punk tries to knee his way free but Kane shuts him down again. Punk goes for another slide but is grabbed by the neck this time only for Punk to deliver some heavy kicks. Double Pepsi One in the corner, but Kane escapes the bulldog. Punk takes him down with a series of big kicks and gets a one count. Punk up top now and he delivers a cross body for two. Punk tries to scoop Kane, but he just elbows free and goes for the choke slam, but Punk’s foot comes into frame like he’s the fucking Zohan. Kane gets pissed and tosses Punk to the floor.

Kane takes him to the post, but Punk blocks and sends him to the post instead and leaps from the apron into a bulldog. Both men down now and Punk crawls into the ring at ten.
Winner: Punk

Kane starts tossing chairs in the ring and tackles Punk down, beating him into the mat. He then throws a baby fit. Kane decides to pull a classic and sandwiches the throat in the chair. Punk decides he has two options. Move, or stay there and let Kane hit him. Luckily he doesn’t get a chance to decide before Batista comes down and spears Kane before nailing him with the chair. He then ever so kindly helps Punk to his feet. Punk offers a handshake as Batista tells him he wants his title not his fucking handshake. He then pats him on the cheek and Punk shoves. Oh snap it’s on now….spine buster. That didn’t go well.

Random Commercial Thought: Cappuccino hinders your eyesight.

Back to the show where Cade and Jericho arrive. Cade has a chair to guard the ringside. Paul London is Jericho’s opponent.

Paul London vs. Chris Jericho w/ Lance Cade

London gets beat right into the corner from the get go. London tries to fight back but eats a head butt. Eating a head or a butt is not healthy. Jericho casually chucks Paul to the floor and stomps him down. London’s face meets the security before he’s tossed back inside. Jericho follows up with a kick to the midsection and chokes London out on the middle rope, standing on his back. Jericho has words with Cade about looking for Michaels to come from anywhere. London goes from a kneeling position to a full wheel kick before catching Jericho in the corner with a kick as well, but a leap off the turnbuckles bombs. Jericho regains momentum and delivers a double arm backbreaker, calling for Michaels to come out as he locks on the Walls in the old style that actually looked good. London taps.
Winner: Jericho

Jericho tells him to take this loss and change to Jericho’s path instead of Michaels, because his path leads to greatness, but Michaels’ path leads to disgrace and pain. Speaking of whom….here he is. Michaels seems to give a sermon, but what he doesn’t give is a shit about London.

Ransom Commercial Thought: Wii would like to play.

Back to the show where Jamie Noble is getting his Mac on with Layla. He has to prove himself to her with Snitsky because he woke him up or something. She has second thoughts of having him prove it to her when she sees the look on Snitsky’s face. This doesn’t bode well does it? Snitsky is either trying out for football or he broke his nose.

Noble attacks Snitsky as he gets in the ring and keeps coming at him but Snitsky tosses him about like a rag doll from corner to corner before charging into a pair of feet. Noble goes up top and talks to Layla, before leaping off…into a foot as well. Coathook slam finishes Noble off before he stares Layla down and leaves. This wasn’t a match, just a random beating for no reason. Layla looks indecisive about helping Noble but seems to decide not to.

Random Commercial Thought: Who decided the best way to sell razors was to have Cena hit Vince with a chair?

Back to the show Replay of the McMahon message from earlier. Not sure why we needed that random filler so we can just go into a breakdown of the card from GAB. JBL is required to actually walk to the ring after his custom job from last week. Cody and Ted don’t get their own entrance, they aren’t important enough, though they do get introduced first, that’s nice of Lillian.

Random Commercial Thought: Is Ebony and Ivory really the most appropriate song for Psych?

Back to the show. Judging by the ring attire of the heels in the ring, this seems like a battle between boxers and briefs. Cryme Tyme get their own entrance. When Cena arrives they charge the ring and the heels take to their…heels. I apologize, that pun was just freaking horrible, I should be ashamed of myself. You know, I’ve always wondered what would happen on a wrestling show if nobody had any conflicts all night in order to make a match. Would the show just end early?

John Cena & Cryme Tyme vs. JBL & World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (Six-man Tag Match)

Cena starts out with Cody and tosses him around, delivering a sharp suplex before making him take a further beating in the corner. Shad tags in and works the arm, but Cody delivers a short shot to the face, only to be crushed a by clothesline and bench pressed. Cody slips free and beats Shad to the corner where Dibiase tags in. Shad comes back with an underhook suplex for two. This is totally how they teach you to fight on the streets. JTG gets slingshotted by Shad onto Dibiase for two.

Dibiase on offense now, and tags out to Cody who catches JTG with a dropkick. JBL sits on the apron and drinks a coffee, or he might as well, for all he’s done. Cody keeps delivering rights and goes to kiss his fist for the last one but JTG comes back with a big wrap around clothesline for two when Dibiase breaks up the pin. Cole points out we always talk about Cryme Tyme’s shenanigans but they are tremendous athletes to which I reply: Duh, they are black. Cena gets taunted in to the ring to distract the ref for a double team on JTG while JBL is in. JBL ties JTG up in the rope and Dibiase tags in, only for JTG to battle back on him until they chop him down at the leg. Cody in for a double teamed Wishbone.

Cody attacks JTG in the corner and taunts, getting himself kicked in the face. Crowd rallies for Cena now while Cody shuts JTG back down and Dibiase comes back in. Dibiase works the leg some more as JTG makes a look on his face like somebody just told him slavery was reinstated and everyone needs to grab themselves a strong one.

Random Commercial Thought: Aw, I want a baby that looks like a little skeleton too.

Back to the show. Shad got in the ring at some point and his being dissected by Cody who attacks his legs. JBL decides to do some work again and tags in to just punch Shad a lot. He punches Cena on the apron, allowing Cena to distract the ref against while Shad is worked over in the corner. Lots of punching ensues for a while until Cody tags back in with a club to the back from the top rope. Cody ties up the leg. Shad finally fights back, tossing Cody off out of a bulldog far across the ring. Cody stops the tag though by attacking Cena on the apron and going back to the leg on Shad.

Dibiase tags back in and drops a Million Dollar fist before laying in some rights. Shad starts fighting back and Dibiase knees him in the gut to get him back to the heel corner for more double teaming. Back to Cody. Goddamn, I don’t like Cody’s face. His eyes look like they are in constant darkness because of that fucking Neanderthal browline he has. Cody goes up top and bombs. Cena gets the tag and crushes the tag team champions by himself, Triple H style. Dibiase gets the Protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle before the FU while JBL runs away. Rhodes takes a throwback and Cena goes up top fro the top rope leg drop on Rhodes and the STFU. JBL breaks it up with a kick from behind…which gets a disqualification?
Winners: CTC

So how does this qualify a disqualification when breaking up pins does not? JBL makes a run for it afterward. Cena chases him through the back as they walk right by that little interviewing curtain, which was funny to see. The chase leads to the parking lot with Cena making an old horror movie mistake of looking everywhere but where is most obvious…behind the cameraman. Because even though we see the entire parking lot, cena manages to get attacked form behind with a tire iron anyway and left against a car before JBL runs another car into him. This HILARIOUSLY cuts away to an obviously different piece of footage of JBL crashing into the other car. JBL gets out of the car and stands there awkwardly. What?

Highlight of the Night: Beth Phoenix shows Chyna isn’t the only man around here.

Lowlight of the Night: Punk gets made to look like a punk again. Even when the guy gets a belt, he still can’t look legit.

WWE “Creative” Award: JBL runs over Cena. How many times have we seen this? Too many. How many times has it been interesting? Never.






	TWF MAIN PAGE \| TWF FORUM! \| WRESTLING SATIRE! \| SEAN CARLESS.COM \| OLDER UPDATES!