by ANDARIEL HALO
Apparently this week's TNA is the GO HOME SHOW FOR TNA SEGA BOOK OF THE BAND CALLED GENESIS! Who knew? Someone. Apparently not TNA Creative. I sure as hell didn't even discover this until tonight, Friday night, around 11 pm.
Meanwhile, Saturday afternoon at 1 pm, I write all this down, and begin the recap in earnest, because I was busy trying to masturbate yesterday but couldn't stop crying over the death of Pete Postlethwaite, as well as then having more troubles masturbating due to him not being the sort of person I would masturbate to and having trouble getting him out of my mind. Or I was just drunk and forgot. You pick.
Previously, on Star Trek Enterprise, video recap of the whole Anderson Anderson Shithead and Matt Morgan thing and CONCUSSIONS.
Tonight's stupid title which I've ignored for so long because it passes by too fast and they're all stupid anyway is "GENESIS... THE BEGINNING... OR THE END?" I'm pretty sure "Genesis" means BEGINNING. But I'm just an educated person, so who knows?
RAW opened up with an epic, glorious main event featuring two former best friends in smugness who were tag team champions for so long, torn apart by ambition, and brought together by the inevitable quest of all sane wrestlers; glory, honor, power, money, respect, wealth, prestige, the company's TOP World Championship belt. Fuck knows how Smackdown opened because I didn't watch that shit.
But above them all, TNA... TNA opens a new year with... old timers Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff coming down to the ring with smug smiles like they've been hitting 2.0 ratings the past few weeks, complete with the buried undercarder guys taking backseat to this bloated, near-death, makeshift alliance of guys lead by a two guys who have no business acumen or insight or knowledge and no discernable skills beyond pure, sickening sleaze, sleazing their way to the top of the one company not smart enough to deny them the opportunity, and begin pillaging it wholesale, demanding who knows how much in paychecks while the average wrestler has to pay his/her own hotelroom fees when they leave Orlando and whose weekly salary is only about two or three times what I made working 5 hours a day for three days at a part-time job every week.
2011, this is is TNA World Championship Wrestling, not making the crossover into 2001, but remaining in the perpetual cycle of 1999-2000. If the WWE is the Iraq War, a disillusioning, dismal affair, where any wrestler can be released at any moment for stepping on the wrong roadside IEToes, only mollified by the big paychecks, intensive training and discipline, the love of the people even if they find the product stale and distasteful, and a guarantee no-questions-asked policy to enter drug rehab for any reason at any time at no cost, then TNA is the Vietnam War, a disillusioning, dismal affair, where any wrestler can be released at any moment simply for doing their job, or for not, with a bloated, oversized roster suffering sickening burials on a near-weekly basis due to the scale of the conflict not allowing for the full roster to be put into use, mollified not by any significant gains in paychecks, but further disillusioned by the notion that a narcissistic convicted felon and drug abuser can RAPIDLY reach that level of glory, honor, power, money, respect, wealth, and prestige in holding the company's TOP World championship belt, well ahead of dozens of others who, even if they aren't as deserving or loved or charismatic, are at least not convicted felons and drug abusers who continue to bury themselves by publicly releasing homemade video tapes of their intoxicated, self-indulgent, shitheaded jibberings about how they are the greatest thing to ever happen in wrestling, and that men greater than them are frauds and cheats and crooks, with the full support of the company's management and leadership, which goes through hell itself in order to endear the public to their cause, only to see their superficial acts flop day after day after week after month after year, to the point where the MUHAMMAD ALI OF WRESTLING, THE MARK TWAIN, THE CHARLES DICKENS, THE JAMES T. KIRK, THE JEAN-LUC PICARD, THE LUKE SKYWALKER OR THE DARTH VADER, THE WILLIAM ADAMA, THE CLARK GABLE, THE TOM CRUISE, THE MICK JAGGER, THE PAUL MCCARTNEY, THE ANDARIEL HALO OF WRESTLING COULD DO BUTT FUCK NOTHING TO ENDEAR THE COMPANY TO THE PUBLIC FOR MORE THAN ONE WEEK, ONE DAY'S EPISODE, TWO HOURS, A FEW MOMENTS OF HIS APPEARANCE, BEFORE IT ALL FELL TO SHIT ONCE MORE AND MEDIOCRITY BECAME STATUS QUO ANTE BELLUM ONCE MORE. That is TNA for the past two or three years. That is the state of TNA. That is the state of the company that has gotten by solely based upon "better than nothing" addage, and breaking even on their investments, with the added losses simply being passed on to the parent company.
And the best/worst part is, even as TNA gets GREATER exposure, with some seepages allowed, such as advertising CURRENT TNA EMPLOYEE Mick Foley's new book all about TNA on live WWE programming, those fans disillusioned with WWE, or simply wanting to see more, STILL DO NOT TURN TO TNA ON A STEADY BASIS!
I may be stupid and crazy, but I will bet all of you that my sanity and deranged lucid incoherent jibbering will outlast TNA as a company, until I either die or am fired.
Speaking of which, Eric Bischoff on the microphone now wanting to wish everyone on behalf of IMMORTAL a happy new year, and in three days, Genesis is coming. And as the name implies, totally giving a FUCK YOU to the title namer guy, Genesis isn't the END of anything but the BEGINNING hurrdurrrr of EVERYTHING. Not only for IMMORTAL but for each and every one of you fans, for every athlete associated with TNA in any way, shape, or form, any wrestler hoping to be like them standing in the ring. OOH they gonna go bankrupt and dismantle the company and sell their video library to Vince McMahon? I hope so. He says maybe because Bischoff put a BOUNTY on every title they don't have, that's not something bad but that's just the competitive nature in him. No underhandedness, no chicanery, nothing that wouldn't stand under scrutiny under a FRICKIN JUDGE or a TEAM OF ATTORNEYS IN DALLAS.
I still do not believe that having your guys hold every title belt in a company gives you any more claim to the company than a fan who buys up all the unpurchased seats at a pay per view event claims to own the company.
With that being said, he wants to introduce some very important chumpions in TNA, so LEZ MAKE THEM FEEL COMFORTABLE LES MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME! First, X guy Jay Lethal. For some reason, Lethal's music reminds me of Curry Man. It could easily be Curry Man's TNA-style theme. The Taz remarks that Bischoff forgot to declare NO TOMFOOLERY! Oh noesz!
Bischoff says he gives Lethal his word (because look to what I said above) that he'll be just fine, with judges and attorneys watching. HOWEVER, he can't PROMISE you that Immortal won't stomp a nigga if he's gonna act all suspicious and scared and mean. Without any further ashit, the TNA Tag Team Machine Guns, Motor Champions.
Because they're white, Eric Bischoff DOESN'T threaten them. Now he introduces TEH DUGG Williams, with loads of lauderies for all the people he introducing. Noticeably absent is the Knockout people. Because fuck them, that's why! Fuck them right in the vulva or whatever. Bischoff says he expects five star matches from each of them, even though IMMORTAL wnats the titles, it don't mean they can't put on the BEST PPV IN THE EVAR, no tricks, no bs, great matches. Because this is totally REVOLUTIONARY for TNA. He wants to give these four the opportunity to be finely tuned machines at Genesis, so tonight he's gonna be facing the NOOKIE MONSTER ABYSS. I see what he did there. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaze. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaze.
For TEH Dugg, he can't think of another challenge for him than... Big Freakhead Rob Terry. And now the Tag Team champions, he been waiting to spring on them all night, AJ Styles and Kazarian. So Bischoff then demands they shake hands. Because all of them are being dishonorable pussy heads, Jarrett says LETHAL! SHAKE HIS HAND! because he's black, see. Immortal then attacks the good guys and Bischoff is like GENTLEMEN GENTLEMEN YOU CAN'T FIGHT HERE, THIS IS THE WRESTLING RING! Five banana stickers for whoever gets the Stanley Kubrick Peter Sellers Dr Strangelove reference.
Rob Van DAm comes out and this somehow has all of Immortal flee. Rob Van squeals that he wants to know who his opponent at Yenesis is. Someone in the audience shouts TOMMY DREAMER and Bischoff says he'll tell him when he's damn good and ready, and speaking of which, up front, Eric Bischoff's eyes are all pointing in different directions, like lazy eye thing. Bischoff says his oppponent will KILL HIM if Bischoff wanted to, and then proceeds to claim he wants this by saying YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
Backstage is Brother Ray Deadly, which is what his TNA name technically was, but now calls himself BULLY RAY, because puns are an art form like making sculptures out of pig shit, and TNA's eaten half the pigshit and used the rest to trace its hand and make a turkey. He says stuff about Devon and says week after week he tries to get to him, but he's GOD. Fifteen yees he been using him, making him his lackey. He wants to kick him in the back of the head and punch him in the face? No problem, meet him outside if he man enough bro.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Suck Fifty Fucks
Video package of DOUBLE J DOUBLE M A challenge with him beating up on Amazoring Red and his brother, then his brother beating up on him. This segues into MOAR Double J Double M A. GREAT WAY TO CONTINUE OPENING UP WCW FOR 1999!
I'm getting sick of hearing these YOU SOLD OUT chants, too. Just turning heel makes you a sellout now? Because Mike Tenay apparently doesn't watch his own show, or has some kind of memory problems, he reacts NOW to the Double J Double M A challenge stipulations stated LAST WEEK as if just hearing them now. The Taz has vvisdom by stating these stipulations are SMRT. They avoid the potential for getting hurt and such. So does he have any takers. They point to a fat piece of shit who looks like he's straight out of IWA Mid South or CZW. Jarrett then points out some guy Jarrett calls Boo Boo Stewart from the Twilight saga. I... what? He says no on him, cos he's like 14 or something.
He then say Jay Bee needs to help him some. He then says Boo Boo do you SERIOUSLY wanna enter this? And he asks if they want him in, and he's slightly shorter than him. He's apparently in the JUNIOR Black belt hall of fame, and they make his father or something stand up, and he's really tall, so Jarrett says he's disqualified because he WILL be taller than Jarrett. FFFFFFFFFlaaaawwwless logic. He then selects NONDESCRIPT TNA FAN in the back, who just like the last two guys, is wearing a TNA shirt and such. Says he looks healthy. The Taz says he looks like a thief. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA.
He has to sign the contract, he's nto taller than Jeff, this is an exhibition NO ONE will get hurt. The Taz wonders if this guy can even write. I GET THE SENSE THAR BE AN INSIDE JOKE BETWEEN THIS TOTALLY NOT A PLANT AND THE TAZ BACKSTAGE! He's all like "Wow cool speakers" and says his name is Johnathan Cruz from SAN JUAN PUERTO RICO or something, to big cheers, currently living in KISSIMMEE FLORIDA to dead silence. I been to Kissimmee, trust me, it's exactly like that. Jarrett then pops him in the face right away in the midst of saying "You understand" and eventually has him tap tap tap out to an ankle lock. He was not For Real enough.
WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett
This guy, screaming like he does, kind of looks like a young Necro Butcher, or Che Guevarra. Kurt Angle appears in the audience to chase Jarrett away as he doe snot let off the ankle lock. He then gets a microphone to say I'M IN, JEFF, YOU AND I WE'RE ABOUT THE SAME HEIGHT RIGHT? AND SINCE THIS IS AN EXHIBITION, WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE GETTING HURT, RIGHT? And he gonna sign the contract that Jeff left in the ring for Jenesis. Jarrett shouts so loud, everyone in the arena can hear it, of him saying YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER EVER EVER WRESTLE IN TNA EVER AGAIN and Kurt says he promised he would never wrestle again, and he gonna do that promise, but ey Jeff This isn't a wrestling match, it's an EXHBITION RIGHT?! Dorky laughter from Mike Tenay and Taz. He signs it.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Joey Mercury is still in the WWE?!
So now comes that somehow DRAEM MATCH with high flyer people. AJ and Kaz were nifty coordinated with their FOURTUNE pose thing on top of the ramp.
AJ Styles and KAAZ vs Motor City Machine Gunnaz
Gunnaz attack them right away and they all brawl in the ring and such. Gunnaz throw the bad guys out, then suicide dive on both of them. AJ Styles now in to be double teamed by the Gunnaz with their slippy dippy fast stuff. Pin gets one. ONE. AJ rakes in the eyes and Sabin headlocks him, only for AJ to toss him up and he hits the top rope. AJ runs at Alex Shelley, and gets shoved by him. Shelley then tries to get in and KAAZ smacks up Sabin some, and AJ tries to pinfail. Now he bops on Sabin with his elbow.
Sabin up against the corner gets choppied, then he kicks away AJ and Kaz, but AJ gets him now in a side slam position and Kaz springboard legdrops onto him, and pin gets 2. Shellith broke up the pin and now Kaz goes to stomping on Sabin as Robot Shelley ran away. Kaz smugs at the referee and such, and AJ kicks Sabin in the head while referee isn't looking. Kaz then turns to Sabin and pin gets 2. Sabin now punching up on Kaz, but Kaz snaps his face, and Sabin gets into the corner so Kaz can run and splash on him. He then irish whips Sabin into the other corner but gets kicked away, and then Sabin clotheslines him down.
Sabin rolls over to tag in Shelley, and AJ gets tagged in to and Shelley beats up on AJ then smacks him down. He grabs Kaz in the corner, bops him off, then kicks AJ some against the rope, dives over the rope onto Kaz, then jumps over onto AJ, tries something on him, but AJ holds onto his back, tries to do a TEH DOUG Rolling Chaos thing, but drops Shelley. A bunch of stuff happens fast, including a failed moonsault attempt by AJ which leads into a Brainbuster by Shelley. Shelley tosses Kaz out of the ring, AJ tries to use a title belt on Shelley, but he ducks, and Sabin appears to kick AJ in the head, and Shelley pinwins.
WINNAR: Motor City Machine Guns
Because that was just too much total nonstop action, Eric Bischoff comes out, and Beer Money appears to beat up on the Murder Guns from behind and such. Bischoff looks displeeeeased, and The Taz presumes it is he is displeeeeased at AJ Styles and Kaz for losing.
Backstage, His Holy Darkness the Pope says somebody's been following Pope around, cameras everywhere and such, and he's gonna call out whoever's been following him around, and whomever has falsely accused, he gonna demand an apology. I... I did not miss an episode of iMPACT yet, did I? WHere in the blue hell did this sudden story thread come from? WHEN was the Pope being followed by anyone except cameramen? WHAT was he accused of? WHERE did this happen?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Spartacus: Blood and Sand makes me want to kill people who like Spartacus: Blood and Sand
Backstage, Eric Bischoff is MAD, BRAH at AJ, and says he's TRIED to control his temper, manage the lack of patience, but when he realized they have LESS THAN 72 HOURS to get what they need to get done, and all AJ needed to do was soften up the Gunz. AJ says SIMPLE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS. What the hell, AJ! They're small, just killshit them with spinebusters and brainchops. WHat's the big problem, bitch? Ric chastises AJ like a parent, and AJ whines, but Bischoff says THIS ISN'T ABOUT RIC FLAIR! YOU HAVE THREE DAYS TO GET HT EJOB DONE OR ELSE. Or else wut, OR ELSE YOU DONT WANNA KNOW WHAT ELSE.
The Pope is coming out now, and Tenay says Pope now demanding an apology face to face, and The Taz says Who has been following Pope around and such? STOP SHOOTING, SENERCHA! Pope says in case we've been living under a rock and haven't been paying attention, somebody has been following Pope around WELL THEN CONSIDER ALL THE FUCK OF US ROCKDWELLERS YOU BLACK BITCH oh wait he says with a VIDEO CAMERA while Pope is tending to his bidness. You mean that wasn't a regular TNA cameraperson? Maybe TNA could have done something to let us in to this fact instead of having us suppose this was just NORMAL fucking stuff? Didn't Popeicles notice this after watching iMPACT the FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED?
This is what happens when you watch this show and you aren't dead or stoned out of your head.
Pope says this individual is trying to CONVEY SOMETHING with his half on half off footage editing stuff. He say Pope's congregation trusts him with their lives, or even their hard-earned money! Hey wait, that's Canadian Bacon's dichotomizing. Pope is calling out the guy to FACEPOP FACETOFACE! It can't be Samoa Joe, because he's too fat to hide behind stuff. See, I mention this because Samoa Joe comes out.
He says if there's one thing he's learned, it's that the war isn't won in here, it's by the ones who control the perception, of who they are, by the people who liiiieee and act like they're something they're not. By that logic, Saddam Hussein won the war against us. Joe says Pope acts like he's a street saint, but from what he's seen, he's really a scumbag. I CALLED IT! If it happens, I mean. Joe says he says he's out in the community helping, but what we saw was him at the back of a strip club, and he goes to the back to say PLEEEASE donate to give to the needy, but they check the local shelter, and the needy ain't getting shit. I CALLED IT! And then finally he goes out to the local shelter and he scoops up all these puppies and says he's buying these for the children, and he goes to the orphanages and they don't have dogs, they ain't walking any dogs, while Pope has got 35 noise complaints on his house this week.
So you tell me, Joe say, are you really the Street Saint, or are you a Scumbaag?? People start chanting SCUM BAG and some woman chants JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU! Pope freaks out like HOW DARE YOU JOE HOW DARE YOU PASS JUDGEMENT ON ME? I BEEN JUDGED ALL MY LIFE AND I DON'T NEED SOME SAMOAN PASSING JUDGEMENT ON ME! He says when he went to those stripclubs, he was telling those girls they don't need to be up there trying to make a buck to put themselves through college. He also says those kids are sitting around a Charlie Brown christmas tree and POPE GOTTA GIVE THEM HOPE and those dogs, those pitbulls he trying to save from those doggone kennels, and he found out they're the best company a kid can have, and he has a pitbull of his own.
I think he forgot to explain why he's keeping all the pitbulls. I would've said it's because the kennels ruined them and they're feral, and Pope needs to tame them and make them sweet and nice for the kids. Pope say next time you FALSELY accuse Pope, we gonna have a problem, Pope has spoken, and he leaves, while looking like this screenshot I took from this very episode.
So he wants the Congregation to REACH DOWN into those pockets of yours, and JOIN IN ON THIS DONATION to hep those less fortunate.
For this marks a NEW BEGINNING OF THE CONGREGATION BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WITH POPE THERE IS HOPE BECAUSE POPE IS PIMPING!
Hey wait a minute, he's trying to hustle us out of money!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Funny thought... what if this cash-grab thing by the Pope is the start of his heel turn, and it's revealed he's using all the money on hookers and booze and parties for him and his friends? You know that'd be asstacularly great.
Speaking of religious stuff, HIS HOLY DARKNESS the Pope, backstage with his inevitable sleazy heel turn with his collecting donation money for hookers and booze. That's what I'm thinking, though.
I can't decide if this is a great thing for being both subtle and well-drawn out and with shades of gray to it, or stupid for being picked up upon almost immediately by someone as stupid as me.
Anyway, backstage, Mickie James and Velvet Sky are walking around backstage, apparently friends now even though Velvet just pointed and laughed some weeks ago when Sarita beat the fucking shit out of Mickie James right in front of her, and then started beating up on Mickie James as well. Forget it, kid, it's TNA.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Sick shit tweet, but I enjoyed it: "We've seen what Sarah Palin's Alaska looks like. The shooting of Rep Gabrielle Giffords today gives a preview Sarah Palin's America."
Backstage out in the parking lot or whatever, Brother Devon all like he heard Buh Buh wanted to call him out and he been waiting for this for the longest time, and said Buh Buh fooled him with his retirement angle thing last month, and tonight he gonna kick his ass, now scuse me, I got some ass kicking to do.
Madison Rayne and Sarita w/ Separate and Simultaneous entrance vs HARDCORE CUNTRY Mickie James and Velvet Sky
I had thought it was a six tag match because Tara was introduced too. Fucking shit. So Srita beats on Velvet Sky some, but Velvet Sky counters some move into a sloppy twirly thing and pin gets 2. Sarita runs at Velvet Sky and holds her in some position but then Velvet clotheslines her down and slams her head. Boyo this division has gotten lazy. Velvet backs into the enemy corner and Madison Rayne grabs her by the hair and guillotines her, then Sarita pin gets 2. Mickie James moves along the apron to go after Madison, but referee sends her back to her corner. Madison Rayne gets tagged in and shoulder blocks Velvet Sky in the corner.
Now Madison with her boot on Velvet's throat, and then goes to pull on the referee for no reason, while Sarita beats on Velvet Sky, which is made particularly botch-worthy given that he TURNS HIS HEAD AND SEES SARITA CHOKING ON VELVET ON THE ROPE and continues acting stupid. Madison now with a headlock and Sarita tagged in to hold Velvet's head and point a finger at her. HARDCORE! Then she holds her hand, smacks her lazily, and tags in Madison Rayne. She then throws Velvet Sky down and then pulls on her hair some, and puts her in the position to do that hip thrust into the ring mat move that looks like shit and does nothing.
Mickie James runs in to chase her for some reason, and Sarita gets tagged in, without the referee looking, and not harassing her for not tagging in. Velvet somehow takes onctorl and jumping DDT pin gets 2. Mickie James pounces on Madison Rayne now, as we apparently reach that point in a match where HAY WAIT A MINUTE THIS REFEREE JACKSON JAMES IS ACTUALLY FOLLOWING THE RULES and makes Mickie James get out. BUT OH NOESZ this was just for Tara to bash Velvet Sky in the face with her elbow tumor, and Sarita pinwins.
WINNAR: Madison Rayne and Sarita
Backstage, Rob Van Dam bitches in Bischoff's office saying Jeff Hardy has HIS championship belt, so sign the match at Genesis. First of all, the logic RVD is using clearly means that he's high. Second off, SO IT'S YOU WHO BROUGHT THAT FAGGOTY BELT IN TO TNA!!!! Bischoff says Rob Van has a match tonight, and Rob Van, clearly high, is like wut? who is my opponent hurrdurr. Eric Bischoff says he'll get back to them. Rob Van is like more head games, yeah! No, Rob Van Dam, that is not what head games are.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The WWE calling ECW roster "Extremists" was kind of funny, in a 9/11 kind of way
Speaking of terror, a Big Rob Terry match approaches!
Freak Rob Terry vs Douglas Williams
They play around some, with Doug moving around Big Roid, and Big Roid acting stupid all like WUR DIDDEE GO? when Doug moves around. Doug does some EUropean moves on him, with Big Roid either noselling them or just not moving much. Douglas runs at him and Rob sort of pushes him back. Because he's not too bright (or because he's smart enough to know no one wants to see this shit) AJ Styles runs in and beats up on TEH DOUGLIAS.
WINNAR: Dougl Williams
ASJ slams hsi hand against the steps, thenr olls Dougl in, and stomps on him a bunch. Big Rob holds Doug';s arm out and AJ stomps on his hand. Then he gets to the top rope to jumping stomp his hand. No one rushes out to help him because no one gives a shit about him.
MORE VIDEO PLAYING of that one time Matt Morgan was talking about wanting to win the title from like 3 weeks ago in a gym.
We also get one of Jeff Hardy saying Anderson is an asshole, and Morgan is a... Greenprint... Fuck you, Kaz. Speaking of shitty shitty shitty puns, Anderson Anderson called Immortal IMMORAL HURRDURR GET IT? Anderson says it's time for a change since Bound for Glory and he's sick and tired of seeing the same guys every week. STOP SHOOTING, ANDERSON~!! Morgan jibbers for a LONG FUCKING TIME about how he's beaten Hardy so many times and such. I literally nodded off, went to do something, it was like 2 or 3 minutes later, I tune back in, he's STILL TALKING.
Backstage, PARKING LOT CHALLENGE FIGHT with Bully Ray and Bully Devon, but the security guards Ray brought with him... start holding him back. What the hell is this? Even Devon says What the hell is this? This isn't even an unfair fight, this is a nonfight. Ray tells him to throw a punch and such. Then he tells him to go home. Devon then goes home, and Bully Ray taunts him some more, so Devon goes to try to attack him again, with security holding him. Ray kicks him in the cherst hart, and NOW security is all like trying to hold Bruther Ray back. He then says to Devon Go back to your wife, your five kids, don't show up to Genesis Museum.
Backstage in Bischoff's office, Jarrett jibbers wildly how he CAIN'T WAIT cos he has an insurance policy with Kurt Angle and such. Bischoff has a problem that Jarrett can solve, though; Rob Van Dam. They need to put a bullet into this guy. Jarrett whines and bitches like a bitch because of the guy he had to whip tonight. Hello, police? They're trying to shoot Rob Van Dam dead. Police, pls?
I can't decide whether to skip Rob Van Dam versus Jeff Jarrett or Abyss versus Jay Lethal. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH EPIC AWESOME EXTREME ACTION TO HANDLE BOTH!!!!
Abyss vs Jay Lethal
When we return from commercial, match hasn't started yet! But now it has. Lethan runs at Abyss to hug him from behind, but Abyss FATS UP and throws Lethal away. Lethal then runs at him, and hugs at Abyss's leg, but Abyss throws him away again. Lethal tries to circle around him, and Abyss stomps like a fatty, and Lethal hugs him from behind,t hen punches Abyss. Abyss then stomps like a fatty at him, but Jay Lethal dips and then smacks Abyss. Abyss then pushes Lethal by the face onto the floor. Lethal jumps out of the ring and onto the apron and jumps on Abyss, then runs some and Abyss catches him in a springboard attempt. He tries to drop Lethal but Lethal slides out and pops him in the fat thigh with his foot.
Now Lethal weakly punches at Abyss, then handspring backelbow and Abyss stomps about like a fatty, and Lethal top rope dropkicks on him and pin gets 2. Lethel then gets to the top rope and Abyss gets up to toss him off the turnbuckle. Abyss looks like a fatty and runs at Lethal in the corner, but Lethal runs away, and Abyss catches him in a whiplash-inducing Black Hole Slam. Pinwin is fail as Abyss pulls Lethal up and throws him into the turnbuckle to punch him up. Apparently all the punching and stomping and choking is too much.
WINNAR: Jay Lethal
This brings out KAAZ looking all smug and dickheaded while Abyss keeps choking on Lethal and such. KAAZ is like "Abyss for the love of God please stop! snort You're hurting this man Abyss stop it! chortle Abyss, Abyss leave some for meee! After all, if the man doesn't have a pulse, I can't beat him at Genesis!" You suck, bitch. Kaz says this match was designed to be a highly competitive warmup match and he thinks these two gentlement delivered just that. He then wants Lethal to stand up, but he don't. Being the sportsman that KAAZ is, eh wants to face Lethal face to face, so Abyss holds Lethal up, and Kaz wants to shake his hand, so Abyss forcibly drops Lethal's hand into Kaz's, they shake, then he drops Lethal back down.
After commercials, a music video pimping Genesis.
EARLIAR TODAY Fucking Mike Tenay held an intarview with Matt Morgan and Anderson Anderson in the ring empty arena with GENERIC OVERLY DRAMATIC BACKGROUND MUSIC. Anderson Anderson is a shithead, behaving like a boorish fuckwit because of how Morgan supported Anderson, even at the expense of being Immortal's bitchboy. He then lies out the fucking ass saying Anderson Anderson is an intelligent wrestler. He then gives several examples of how Anderson is a retard. Tenay asks about Anderson's family and Anderson curses him out like a shithead. He then asks Anderson what he would do in MOrgan's shoes. Being a fucking shithead, he says I'd shut my mouth, mind my busienss, and WRESTLE, COS THAT'S WHAT WE DO, WE WRESTLE!
Anderson Anderson continues being a Neelix in his smugness and shitheadedness. They then ask him WHERE is this proof that he is medically cleared. Given that this is supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING COMPANY, he SHOULD have the paperwork to show to the bosses, or else get his ass fucking fired for being a medical liability and probably pulling a Benoit at some point. But given that Anderson Anderson is just like the character Neelix in "Star Trek Voyager", he shares with Neelix the traits of being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of others, apathetic to the thoughts and feelings of others, reckless in his own duties, a self-proclaimed expert on many things only to be revealed as being an empty-headed buffoon, and supposedly supposed to be an audience favorite, the crazy breakout character, the Fonz of the show.
I highly doubt the Fonz would be a shithead to two people who like him and think he's cool, and then say "NUNYA'S SEEN MY MEDICAL RECORDS. NUNYA FRICKIN BUSINESS" Morgan remains calm and cool, and subtly insinuates that Anderson is a lying sack of shit, and asks again who has seen this evidence. Anderson just crosses his eyes and shrugs like a, say it with me, SHITHEAD
Tenay says he's been in this ring for hundreds of interviews, and for the one time only in his ever, he can't get a read on Anderson Anderson. Because he's LYING TO YOU YOU STUPID BIRDFACED FUCK, HE IS LYING HE'S A LYING FUCK. Morgan says if Ken is actually going to go through with this, the gloves are off, he has no choice but to be an athlete in an athletic contest. Anderson continues the douchery, mocking him, and Morgan says this Sunday he's looking for two things; Right Cross Hospital, or Carbon Footprint Graveyard. I forgot to mention Anderson is a shithead.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Jeff Jarrett vs Rob Van Dam
This is your main event. I think Rob Van Dam's mystery opponent should be HULK HOGAN....'S COUSIN HORACE BOULDER HOGAN! Why the fuck not? Because it's stupid and won't draw a dime? Are YOU stupid? You not been watching TNA the past five years?
Speaking of this match, nothing happens for a long time as Jarrett spins around in circles, with Rob Van wiggling his arms around to keep up with him. Rob Van gets sick of it and complains and Jarrett bitches and whines some, and keeps doing it. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! He then tries a roundkick, and Rob Van Dam catches it and hsoves him off. TOTAL! Rob Van does his RVD taunt, and Jarrett goes right back to spinning around him. Then he stops, and reverses direction. He then punches Rob, tries to kick, and gets roundkicked. Dam then shoulderblocks him in teh corner, forearm, snapmares, and bounces off the rope to kick him with a back kick.
He then tries a Rolling Thunder but Jeff Jarrett rolls out of the ring and runs around the ring. NONSTOP! He then gets back in and goes to attack Rob Van, but stops, and gets punched down. Captain Murphy trips up Rob Van Dam and Jarrett punches him up. Dam punches him some and irish whip reversed and Jarrett gets a headlock on him, threatening to turn it into a Cock-in-a-clutch, but Rob Van is in wrong position so Jarrett decides to keep it a headlock sleeper hold thing.
Rob Van Dam slowly gets up and punches up on Jarrett, then clotheslines him a bunch, then a sidekick to him. Some fat kid runs in and gets tossed out of the ring by Rob Van. Oh yeah, no disqualification, because that was totally not even exploited at all. Since someone apparently remembered, all the security guys come in one at a time to beat up on Rob Van Dam. Jarrett then punches on Rob Van Dam as he's held still by Gunna and Murph Murph. They then let him go, and Rob Van Dam kicks Jarrett, then beats up on the two, when suddenly Jeff Hardy appears to Twist of HATE Rob Van Dam. The Taz didn't even know who the hell it was until after he did his move.
WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett
Matt Morgan then comes out to beat up on Jeff Jarrett and Jeff Hardy, and Hardy slowly rises with a steel chair, obviously to use on Morgan, but ANDERSON ANDERSON snatches it away, and tries to hit Harvy with it, but OH NOESZ he hit Morgan. HURRDURR SHENANIGANS CONTRIVANCES CONTROVERSY CASH SHITTY RATINGS LOW BUYS NO ONE CARES EVERYONE SAW IT COMING!
TNA YAY: Pope is pimpin' my storyline idea
TNA BOO: Anderson Anderson is a shithead
TNA WTF: If Bischoff is supposedly worried about judges and attorneys scrutinizing him and such, why does he continue to act like a sleazy, underhanded tyrannic moron IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE AND CAMERAS!
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THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).