WWE SmackDown Recap for January 7, 2011
Hello, everyone. It’s
2011 and I’m going to start the year off by being totally honest
with you. I had some pretty
grand plans for this recap. I was going to
do a very special “Last of 2010/First of 2011” edition, where
I got all analytical and compared the last two weeks’ episodes.
Unfortunately, I watched the January 7 episode first, and as you’ll
soon be able to tell, it sucked like a cheap hooker in Las Vegas. Therefore, no
special double recap, just this week’s, and it was pure torture
just to sit through the one show.
However,
there will be some changes. First, there’s
the nifty new title graphic. Second, I’ll be
replacing my non-wrestling related rants with “Great”
Scott’s Great Advice. This will
essentially be an amalgamation of all of my other
pre-recap stuff, as I will try to pass my greatness on
to all of you through recommendations and life lessons.
Finally, I’m going to replace the boring “G”
ratings with a far more colorful option: Tony the
Tigers.
Good old Tony represents a cereal that, like me,
is GRRRRREAT!
Anyway, I’m probably going to keep my “Unofficial
Sponsor of the Week,” simply because I think it’s
relatively clever.
As a matter of fact, this week’s recap will be brought
to you (unofficially) by The Greatest
American Hero, the 80s television show starring
William Katt and Robert Culp. If you’ve never
heard of the show (due to things like not being born
yet), it’s essentially about a guy who’s given a super
hero suit by aliens and tasked to protect the planet.
The problem?
The guy’s essentially a clumsy oaf. Much hilarity
ensues. The
show only lasted three years, but it’s become a cult
classic.
Before the show begins, I’d like to give you the
aforementioned “Great” Scott’s Great Advice. This week’s
advice is to go see True Grit. I don’t give
movies 10s arbitrarily, but this one pretty much gets
one. Great
acting from everyone involved. I thought Matt Damon was
going to cornball it up too much, but he did a good job
playing just corny enough without going overboard.
Okay folks, enough of the foreplay, let’s get down and
dirty.
Well, it’s a new year, which probably doesn’t mean
anything in the WWE Universe.
My evidence? Well, they’re
giving us the same matches (albeit with different
stipulations) that we’ve seen at least three times
before.
Mysterio and
Things don’t start out well, as the same shitty announce
team has apparently reassembled to assault my senses. And, speaking of
shitty…
Edge vs. Kane (Last Man Standing Match)
Because of the epic-ness of the match, Tony Chimel comes
out to do the “this is an important match” announcement
of the combatants.
Kane goes for a punch right away, but Edge ducks and
hits a few of his own.
This offense doesn’t last long, as Kane no sells
and goes to work in the corner. Kane busts out
the second-level moves right away as he performs a
snapmare and a seated dropkick. He tries to
follow with an Irish whip, but Edge busts out a neck
breaker.
Unfortunately, that’s all Kane permits, as he
hits a side slam next. This match is
already annoying me, as Kane charges and ends up on the
floor. Edge
continues to prevent Kane from getting back in the ring
by kicking him back to the floor. Eventually, Edge
heads outside, so Kane punches him and drops him on the
safety barricade.
It must suck for the ref to have to count EVERY
time a guy is down. Edge leisurely
walks up the ramp, so Kane follows and weakly beats on
him. Edge
continues to randomly walk away, which is just a clever
ploy for him to turn around and bop Kane in the face.
Now the two men are walking around back…fun. Kane slams
Edge’s head into a water fountain and then into the cage
of a closed snack bar. What the hell?
Where am I going to get my Reese’s Pieces?
Next,
the two men are in the crowd. Kane teases a
chokeslam, but Edge fights out. This match has
had a lot of walking in it. Kane retreats by
walking up the steps. They’re in the
cheap seats now, and Edge slams Kane into what looks
like another closed snack bar. How does this
arena make any money? At a six count,
Kane gets up and hits Edge with a garbage can. He follows with
a stiff uppercut and another head slam to a random
object (a bench this time). Kane then sees a
stair cases and the camera sorta’ tells the story…as
Kane puts Edge in a coincidentally placed wheelchair.
He goes to push the wheelchair down the stairs,
but Edge escapes and boots Kane in the face. Kane stays down
for a five count, but gets up in time for us to go to
commercial break.
Thank goodness, I have to calm down after this
awesome walkfest with headslams to random objects
peppered in.
When we return the action has oozed (the most
appropriate verb I could think of) back toward the ring,
Kane tosses Edge over the security wall back into the
ringside area.
Kane slams Edge’s head onto the apron and then begins
dismantling the announce table. Nothing’s going
to happen because he didn’t take the monitors out…HASN’T
KANE EVER PLAYED SMACKDOWN VS. RAW!!
Edge reverses an Irish whip and sends Kane to the ring
steps.
That’s enough to keep Kane down for eight (not
nine like dumbass Cole says). Back in the
ring, Edge goes for a flying…something…but Kane
uppercuts him and both men are sorta’ down. Edge stays down
for an eight count, but gets up in time for Kane to slam
him back down.
Kane heads to the top, but misses his “flying”
clothesline, allowing Edge to kick him in the stomach
and hit a DDT.
Kane makes it up, and Edge walks right into a
chokeslam.
This match has absolutely no psychology or flow
to it whatsoever…each guy gets to do one move, and then
the other guy does one. The ref is
counting…eight…nine….noooooo, Edge makes it the ropes,
and then falls through them. More head
slamming follows, as do some punches. Kane removes the
top section of ring steps, and then sets up Edge for the
tombstone on the lower portion. Edge holds onto
the ring post, and then lands the Edge-o-matic on the
steps. Edge
gets up and Kane is still down at seven. Kane, however,
prolongs my agony by getting up at a little after eight.
Edge makes his spear face, but runs right into a boot
from Kane.
Is Kane actually selling the back injury? Wow! Of course, this
doesn’t last long, as Kane hoists Edge up and chokeslams
him through the announce table. Matt Striker
lays on the ground like he’s posing for Playgirl…I think
his headset is stuck under the wreckage. Ohhhhh, it’s
apparently part of the script, because Edge uses Striker
to get back up.
He stays up just long enough to stumble back in
the ring.
Kane throws some chairs in the ring, which is
ingenious considering he can only use one, two tops.
Kane climbs to the rope with another chair. Why the hell did
he throw all of those chairs in the ring, then? CAN ANYTHING IN
THIS MATCH MAKE ANY SENSE?! Edge takes one
of the two or three chairs in the ring and throws it at
Kane, who falls off the top rope. Edge goes to
town on Kane with a chair and then hits a spear. Edge gets
another chair and con-CHAIR-tos Kane’s leg. Kane flounders
around a bit, and tries to use the ropes to get up, but
his “horribly mangled” knee won’t allow him to get back
up.
Sigh.
Winner:
Edge
Rating:
Michael
Cole cements his tool-ness by saying that was one of the
most grueling matches he’s ever seen. I will agree
with him there…it was grueling to watch. That match was
70 percent walking, 10 percent punching, five percent
guys getting their heads slammed into things, and five
percent miscellaneous other stuff. Dull. Please get Kane
out of the title picture…now.
Hopefully, the next match will offset how dull that
first match was.
My fingers are crossed.
The Dilemma
looks terrible, but at least Clint Howard’s getting some
work!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (IC Title
Match)
Kingston goes to work early, punching and kicking
Ziggler in the corner.
Ziggler gets a boot up on a corner charge and
takes control.
Ziggler doesn’t learn and HE gets caught on a
corner charge.
Kingston tries to follow up with a top rope cross
body, but Ziggler ducks and lays the boots to him. Kingston fights
back with punches, but Ziggler lands a knee and a neck
breaker.
After a failed pin attempt, Ziggler applies a
side chinlock.
Kingston fights up and lands a pair of axehandles
to Ziggler’s bread basket. Ziggler tries to
regain control with a corner splash, but he misses. Kingston hits a
pair double chops and a dropkick, but misses his leaping
clothesline.
Things get back-and-forthy from there, punctuated
with a boom-boom-boom legdrop from Kingston. Kingston signals
Trouble in Paradise, but Ziggler ducks and applies a
sleeper.
Kofi fights out with a jaw breaker and both men
are down.
Ziggler goes for a clothesline when both men get
up, but Kingston ducks and hits the ranhei to get a
2.998 count.
Kingston slowly goes to the top rope, but Ziggler
cuts him off and tries for a superplex. Kingston blocks
and drops Ziggler face-first to the mat. Ziggler staggers
right into a cross body block from Kingston, who…gets
the win?
Huh?
Winner: Kofi Kingsotn
Rating:
Huh?
After the match, Ziggler attacks Kingston and hits the
Zig Zag.
Vickie gets on the mic and screams that Teddy Long isn’t
in the arena so she’s making a rematch.
Whatever.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston (IC Title
Match…Again)
Yeah, two seconds later, Kingston hits Trouble in
Paradise and Ziggler loses again.
Winner:
Kofi Kingston
Rating: I’m not even
going to bother.
After the second “match” Vickie angrily stands over
Dolph Ziggler.
At least maybe they’re jobbing him for all these matches
so they can end this horrible angle.
Well, so far, the WWE has started off with a bang…and
that bang is half of the audience shooting themselves in
the face.
WWE’s handling of pushing guys is absolutely ridiculous. Could you
imagine if you ran a business like this? Okay, Bill,
we’re promoting you to a management position. Tomorrow, we’re
going to demote you and cut your pay. Then, we’re
going to promote you again, only to fire you three days
later.
Then, when we’re interviewing for your position,
we’ll hire you back, and then promote you again three
days later.
Finally, we’re going to give you shitty work
assignments until you qui or we forget about you and
eventually dismiss you. Seriously, does
everyone on the WWE writing staff have ADD?
When we return from the commercial…agony. Trust me…agony.
Next, we’re treated to the RAW Rebound. Apparently, on
RAW, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Wade Barrett fought in a
steel cage match to be number one contender. Guess who won?
The only interesting part of the match was CM Punk
coming out to screw Wade Barrett, who I’m assuming is
out of Nexus now.
Ahhhhh, sweet lord.
Now we have to sit through a Kelly Kelly/Drew
McIntyre segment.
We learn that, somehow, Drew McIntyre is in a
number one contender’s match. WWE furthers the
retarded factor by putting Big Show and Cody Rhodes in
the match, too.
Really?
No Del Rio?
Swagger?
Mysterio?
I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Hey, Tough Enough is coming back! Great, more
superstars who’ll stick around for a month or two, job
to everyone, and get cut!
Fun!
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre
(Number One Contender’s Match)
I’m still amazed that WWE thought it would be profitable
to create Drew McIntyre t-shirts.
DAMN IT TO HELL!
STOP PUTTING VICKIE ON MY TELEVISION!!
Apparently, she’s out to put Dolph Ziggler in the match
so he can inevitably lose again. Now it’s a fatal
four way, but I’m not typing the title again.
Any guy winning this but Big Show would be good, so you
have to know he’s going to win. I’m actually
sorta’ interested in this thing, so I’m going to watch
instead of doing blow-by-blow.
Most of this match consists of Big Show making the other
three guys look like morons. Hell, Drew
McIntyre doesn’t spend 20 consecutive seconds in the
ring. One
semi-cool spot sees all three guys running Big Show
through the security barricade. Unfortunately,
as WWE always does, they use the coolest move of the
match as a springboard to commercials.
After the commercial, the match gets infinitely better
with less Big Show.
Eventually, Wade Barrett adds to the clusterfuck
that this night has been by beating up the Big Show and
leaving.
Whatever.
To prove how brutal Wade Barrett’s beatdown is,
every guy hits his finisher on Big Show and he kicks out
of all three.
Finally, Ziggler cons Rhodes into going after a
prone Big Show, only to hit the Zig Zag on Rhodes.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
That match had high points and low points; almost all
low points centered on Big Show making the other guys
look like pansies.
I do like the ending, with Ziggler continuing to
use smarts and cheating (although I wouldn’t mind if
Vickie didn’t have to be so involved) to beat guys. However, it’s
kind of awesome that they’re “pushing” Ziggler by having
him technically lose four matches (two to Cena and two
to Kingston) before winning this one. (Yes, I realize he
did win the three-way mach, but come on.) Again, the logic
of the WWE is awesome.
Local talent and lower mid-carders BEWARE!! Ezekiel Jackson
is coming to SmackDown.
I don’t believe how bad this show is, and now it’s going
to get worse.
Michelle McCool (with Layla and visible
rib cage) vs. Kelly Kelly
The two women “wrestle” poorly. Eventually,
Michelle wins.
Winner: Michelle McCool
Rating:
I’ll give this match one Tony because it’s grrrrrreat
that no one ended up paralyzed.
After the match, LayCool begins a beatdown of Kelly
Kelly. Drew
McIntyre comes out to make the save. This angle is
GRIPPING!
Well, after another commercial break, the main event
begins.
Wow, they’re giving this one thirty minutes.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio (Best of
Three Falls Match)
Let
me tell you something. The best
performance of the night so far has been given by Del
Rio’s announcer.
Before Mysterio comes out, Del Rio takes the mic and
says that he’s destined to win the Royal Rumble. Then, he says
that there’s Alberto Del Rio, and there are car washers,
gardeners, and Rey Mysterio. Ouch.
I guess with all of the Rey Mysterio masks they sell,
the WWE can afford to lose a buttload on the Drew
McIntyre shirts.
Before the match, I’d like to note that they’ve wasted
eight minutes with commercials and slow entrances. 22 minutes for
the main event.
Del Rio starts with a wicked fast kick and brutalizes
Rey for a minute or so until Rey hits a boot to stop a
corner charge.
Mysterio goes for a quick 619, but Del Rio moves
and locks on the cross arm breaker. Rey quickly (and
smartly) taps out so he doesn’t suffer major damage.
Good psychology there, in an evening that has had
little of it.
While Del Rio celebrates, we go to what I’m
hoping are the final set of commercials.
After
the break, Del Rio is still working the arm. Rey punches his
way out, but he bounces off the ropes and runs right
into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Del Rio tries
for a second backbreaker, but Rey escapes. Del Rio,
however, slides him out of the ring. Rey stops Del
Rio’s momentum with a shoulder to the gut and a flying
head scissors.
Rey hits a knee in the corner, an elbow,
and…well, we have a little back and forth, and Del Rio
has the cross arm breaker locked on again! Rey quickly
turns the hold into a pin. Del Rio escapes,
the action gets crazy, and Rey manages to roll up Del
Rio with a la magistral cradle to even the score at one
pin apiece.
Nice.
Unfortunately, we go to another commercial break.
Let’s go to Mamby Pamby Land, ya’ JACKWAGON! I hope the guy
in the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant
psychiatrist doesn’t go into the bathroom and blow his
head off.
After that set of commercials, Del Rio is still working
on Rey’s arm.
Rey kicks his way out of the hold, but Del Rio
kicks him in the back and stays on top of things. Del Rio fails to
get a pinfall after flinging Rey into the corner. He follows up by
propping Mysterio on the top rope and trying to remove
his mask.
Rey fights back and hits a crazy missile headbutt
on Del Rio.
Ouch.
Rey hits a pair of knee strikes and a springboard
bodypress to follow. He reels off a
pair of kicks, but falls prey to a falling armbreaker by
Del Rio. A
nice exchange follows that sees Rey nail Del Rio with a
modified tornado DDT. Rey tries to
follow up by going to the top, but Del Rio trips him up.
Del Rio decides he’s going to go to the top and
threatens to suplex Mysterio out of the ring, but Rey
fights back.
Del Rio adapts and drapes Mysterio’s arm over the top
rope. Del
Rio, still on the apron, slams Rey into the opposite
corner, but misses a charge. Rey hits a
different version of the 619 on Del Rio, as he’s stuck
between the ropes.
Del Rio falls to the floor. Ricardo
Rodriguez tries to help Del Rio, but Rey leaps onto both
of them.
Rey rolls Del Rio in, but Rodriguez recovers in
time to grab Mysterio’s leg. Rey can’t beat
the count and loses the third fall.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Rating:
That match was by far the best of an otherwise weak
crop. It
made both men look credible, and the right guy won. There was enough
action while still having some decent psychology. Good stuff.
After the match, Del Rio leaves Rodriguez to get
brutalized by Mysterio.
While it seems illogical, it makes sense
considering Del Rio’s disdain for “lesser” Latinos. He considers
Rodriguez a lesser Latino, so he lets him take the brunt
of the beating.
It’s good to see a little bit of logical
character development in the WWE Universe.
As a late Christmas gift, we find out that Big Show vs.
Wade Barrett is signed for next week! That is the very
definition of a classic.
Well, awards shouldn’t be very hard to give out this
week.
The Really Great Thing of the Night: The main event.
The Not-So-Great Thing of the Night: Pretty much
everything else, but I’ll give the award to a glut of
Vickie Guerrero.
Well, I’m thinking the WWE has decided to set the bar
nice and low on this first show of the year…there’s
nowhere to go but up from the pile of crap I just sat
through.
I’m “Great” Scott and I just sat through two hours of
crap so you didn’t have to…I expect thank you cards from
each and every one of you bastards.
See you next week, if you’re lucky. I need some
aspirin.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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