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ECW: The Next Generation
By Neil McGilloway
(02/16/10)
 
Welcome back ONE LAST TIME FOREVARRRRRRRR.  Yep yep, tonight's my exit interview at TWFcorp sadly, before I go freelance (a gentle way of saying that I'll be giving handies for rent money over in the alleyway within a couple weeks).  So, let's talk history.
 
Probably one of my most vivid memories comes from a WWE show that happened in my fine town of Philadelphia, PA.  You may know it as the 1995 King of the Ring, also known as ALL KWAVIO VEGA, ALL THE TIME.  Hey, I was a pre-teen then, I was naive.  But yeah, looking back on that show, oh my LORD it sucked.  King Mabel is not my cup of tea.  So why do I mention this?  Simply because recalling it in my mind, it's probably one of my proudest moments of being a wrestling fan.  I don't know if you know this, but Philadelphia fans seem to have a bit of a reputation of being...honest, is a gentle way of saying it.  So, as this PPV went on, fans were getting downright restless of the shit they were being subjected to.  So, when the final of the tournament consisted of Mabel Vs. Savio Vega, the fans decided to LOUDLY voice their disapproval with chants for this upstart of a local fed that was picking up steam around this time.  It's name?  ECW.  Of course me being 12 at the time, I didn't know shit about ECW at the time.  Ironic that I did a report on it (well, a poor imitation anyway) for close to 2 years straight.  So, I'm proud to be a part of a crowd utterly shitting all over WWE's product, starting the slow decline that put forth the golden age of 1997-2001.  But, enough about history, time do this show up like Old Yeller!  And away we go!
 

Still standing here one last time in Kansas City!  Because when I think ECW, I think the midwest.  And after a touching video on the history of ECW (old ECW which doesn't last long because UH OH viewers might find out that it was good at one point before coming the diseased corpse it is now), we get immediate hype for NXT, with the cast being revealed tonight.  Yes, CAST.  Like I said, reality show.  What a birthday present, WWE.  FIRST MATCH GO.
 
WWE Unified Tag Team Champions The Miz and Big Show Vs. Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu
 
Now see, I didn't watch Raw last night.  Looking at the recap, glad I didn't.  However I didn't happen to get a listen of the theme mash-up between Big Show and Miz.  AWWWWWWWWWFUL.  Oh, and for some reason, Yoshi's sporting Adon armbands or something.  Now, start standing on one leg constantly and have all your moves names start with Jaguar.
 
Oh, Miz gets turned into smashed ass for about five minutes via Yoshi and Goldy double teams, but Goldust makes a mistake giving chase to Miz on the outside...leading to a blind tag and Goldust getting headbutted from behind.  Ouch.  Show stalks Goldy like he's a buffet station going into the break.
 
Back from break, Goldust manages to tag to FUCKING STOP SAYING THE CARDIAC KID IT'S RETARDED Yoshi, but Miz tags out to Show leading to utter prison rape.  Asian guys fetch a high price in the slammer due to their girlish figures, right?  Anyway, the champs take turns beating the spray tan off of Yoshi Tatsu (with Big Show going into MMA mode for a second with a kinda Anaconda Vise) until a discus elbow to Miz's face allows Goldust get the hot tag.  Things break right the fuck down from here, with Show trying to interfere until Yoshi feebly tries to stop him.  Yep, that was the opposite of effective.  Yoshi gets tossed like a bitch while Goldust is mounting Miz for the corner punches, but a shot to the gut stops that cold.  Skullcrushing Finale finishes things off.
 
Winner: Miz and Big Show
 
What Stood Out:  I don't think I've ever seen Yoshi look more feeble than in this match.
 

After the match (featuring Miz and Show hilariously overcelebrating the win...come on guys, it's Goldust and Yoshi Tatsu), we get the concept of NXT - Pros mentoring rookies.  So the first pairing?  Jericho and Wade Barret, and next up is Matt Hardy (who looks like a fucking lardass and a half in the picture supplied) and Justin Gabriel.  The high point is Josh Matthews trying to hype the rookies, such as (seriously, this is what I heard) for Justin Gabriel:  "From Cape Town, South Africa, being compared to Johnny Damon and Adam Lambert."  My first reaction is...WHAT THE HELLLLLLL does that have to do with wrestling?  Oh God this is going to tank so hard.
 

TO THE BACK now with General Manager Generic Blonde Tiffany trying (and failing as usual)  to hype NXT when she's interrupted by Ryder and Rosa.  I...think she's angry, but as usual, total lack of emotion rears its ugly head.  Zack demands to be in the final match of ECW, but gets denied because he lost to Christian last week on Superstars.  Rosa jumps in with Spanish, leading to ALMOST EMOTION from GMGBT saying the answer's still no.  Ryder then brings up that because it's extreme rules, he can get involved if he wants to anyway.  Subtlety isn't exactly WWE's strong suit.
 
Next NXT pairing, MVP and Skipp Sheffield.  A good ol' country boy!  Yes, because that's a logical pairing with a former gang member and thug.  I smell a sitcom!
 

TO THE RING, with the final (we hope) Abraham Washington show up now.  After some requisite trashing of the home town, he brings out his final guest...himself.  Joy.  Shelton Benjamin is quick to interrupt thankfully, hyping that everyone's going to be a free agent.  This brings out John Dorian (screw it, I'll goof on that lanky douche until I die), THOSE GUYS, and finally Kozlov.  They all try to get some words in, but when the other white guys try to trash Kozlov's Russkie promo, he trashes the set and all three, sending them packing.  Shelton and Kozlov simply hug it out afterwards.  Ebonyyyyyy and Ivoryyyyyyyy...I made that recap short simply because I'm so done with this awful segment.
 

Next announcements?  Carlito with Michael Tarver (I assume he's going to teach him the ways to stand around being useless backstage...DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME), and....BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.  Miz with Daniel Bryan, who every IWC member would happen to know as BRYAN FUCKING DANIELSON.  I just find it hilarious that he's been paired with a guy that everyone LOATHED for the longest time in his WWE tenure.  What do you think of your darling now?!
 

After some hype for the PPV Sunday, we get our next NXT pairing...Christian with something that looks like an aborted fetus that didn't take.  Heath Slater is what it was named.  It must be murdered.
 

Next up, out comes said ECW Champ, cutting a promo on how good ECW's been to him, trying to defend that being here wasn't a total demotion.  Sorry buddy, not buying it.  So he talks about Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, being the current longest reigning champion, and how he's proud to be going out as champion.  Like I said, WWE isn't exactly subtle with their foreshadowing...
 

ECW Champion Christian Vs. Ezekiel Jackson w/ William Regal, Extreme Rules Title Match that is THE LAST MATCH ON ECW EVAR~!
 
Between entrances, they make another NXT pairing, CM Punk and Darren Young...who has possibly the worst hairdo on a man I've ever seen.  Like, homosexuals are saying "Dude, that's gay."  Then they, you know, go do gay stuff.
 
The shit is on almost immediately, with Zeke going all powerhouse on Christian in the opening minutes.  Things spill to the outside within a couple minutes, and various forms of plunder get used in a hurry.  Christian manages to send Zeke packing for a second, and out comes Ryder to attack Christian...just to be a dick.  He is from Long Island, after all.  Christian shuts his ass up by flapjacking him onto a trash can, but out comes Rosa to deliver a pride-obliterating bitch slap.  This prompts a barefoot GMGBT to come sprinting down the ramp and HOLY SHIT that chick is beefy.  GMGBT spears Rosa and CATFIIIIIIGHT's her to the outside, but then ruins it by talking.  And that whole non-personality thing comes into play again.  All three nuisances go to the back as we go to break.
 
Zeke takes control out of the final break, sending the champ off the top rope to the outside.  Zeke tries to sandwich Christian between the steps and a trash can, but misses and gets stunned.  Christian then hops on the stairs, and the sheer POWER of his yelling makes Zeke raise the trash can to his face so he can get it drop-kicked into him. Zeke then tries to run Christian over with a shopping cart, but misses.  I'm sorry, seeing a huge black dude pushing a shopping cart as fast as he can wearing nothing but boots and red trunks just is cartoonishly hilarious, and reminds me why I watch this shit.  After some more back and forth (which is going at a blistering pace all things considered), Zeke and Regal bring out a table, and eventually set it up in the ring.  Superplex attempt fails, tornado DDT attempt fails, but the kendo stick takes Zeke out long enough to chase Regal to the back.  Killswitch attempt is met with Regal coming out again to stop it, but he gets Killswitch'd instead.  Zeke has long recovered at this point, and delivers a negronage to the champ THROUGH THE TABLE to pick up the win, and the shortest championship ever (if the title's gone at the end of the program).
 
Winner:  Ezekiel Jackson
 
What Stood Out:  Well, they relatively went out on top, because DAMN that shit was overbooked to all hell.
 
So in a perfect symbolism of ECW's history as a whole, the final ECW champion is...a giant musclebound oaf whose back of his head looks like my scrote.  A COMPLETE PARALLEL.  THE E...
 

Oh wait, I think they forgot one last NXT announcement, R-Truth and David Otunga who's related to Jennifer Hudson apparently.  Considering what happened to most of her family...luckiest guy ever?  Maybe.  And on that morbid note, THE END.  FOREVER.
 

Uppers:  It's finally over!  Ok seriously, both matches were pretty damn good for a dying show.  Given the smaller timeframe, they did their job right with hyping the new show, and showcasing the best of WWECW one more time.  So, hats be tipped to that.
 
Downers:  One thing I certainly am not going to be missing is the Abraham Washington show.  I do take some joy in knowing that WWE is going to showcase him on one of the other brands, so more people will be...treated to his bowing bullshit.  Yes, treated.  Also, I don't get one bit why Zeke's the last ECW champ.  Maybe Vince decided to give one last parting shot to the balls for Heyman?  My IWC-ness says yes.
 
Overall:  As a finale, nothing too special, but pretty good regardless.  I'd say watch it just so you can say you saw ECW die.  Again.
 
And that'll do it for me.  So, what do I do from here?  I guess I'll be on call if Fuhrer Carless needs a lackey to do a report when no one else will.  After all, that's what got me this job in the first place!  However, as far as this report goes, consider me officially off the clock.  I'm Neil McGilloway, and I'm pre-emptively saying FUCK NXT.  Later!
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).