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by Charley Martin



Late getting started this week due to the computer not cooperating. I got here in time to see Tomko say he's already made his choice. Senshi got glorified squashed by Judas Mesias. He did get a fair bit of offense, but it was over in a hurry. Kurt and Karen had problems. Karen h8s Sharmell.

Christian Cage says he hates indecision. Eh, it happens. Cage is one of the select few who are born great. Lotsa boos. Now it's time for AJ and Tomko to make their choice. Uhh, I think Tomko already did.

AJ is out, but not Tomko. Cage says Angle is using him and everything Styles has is because of him, even his two world titles. Styles corrects him that it was three. Hehe, comedy.

Angle is out and says the only one using Styles is Cage. He doesn't need to use AJ for brains or muscles and has gotten by on his own just fine. They both try to pull AJ along with them, but he finally fights back and crashes them into each other and Angle and Cage come to blows. Styles gets laid out by Cage with a belt to the face when Angle ducks out of the way. Tomko is out to break things up and protect AJ. DW says Tomko is suddenly the man of reason. SUDDENLY?!?! Tomko is about the only person in TNA who has actually exhibited a sense of reason in the last six freakin' months!

On a side note, I really want a Tomko goatee.

Booker and Sharmell are headed to the ring and Roode says he's finally in the main event and comments how crazy it is that it took disrespecting Booker's wife to get him there.

Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell

The match never happens. Karen attacks Sharmell, Booker breaks it up. Kurt attacks Booker and throws him in the ring. Kurt and Bobby double team until Booker ducks out and grabs a chair. He says he'll find a partner and we'll do it again later tonight as a tag team match.

AJ is still knocked a bit loopy and is with JB somewhere in the back and Borash tells him what happened and that he should seek the opinions of others to help him decide. AJ asks JB and he says he obviously has to go with the Angle Alliance. AJ remains in a state of denial that he can make it all work. Poor fella.

AJ Styles and Tomko vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Styles actually asks DW and Tenay what he should do on his way to the ring. West says he should do whatever is best for AJ Styles. AJ and Shelley go back & forth a bit until The Guns go double-team crazy after a slingshot elbow from Shelley. I'm not even going to attempt to call the moves, because I have no idea how. They're double teaming skills are just bananas.

Eric Young is down and talking to AJ. Corkscrew Powerbomb by Sabin on AJ. Tomko kills Sabin with a sick stiff forearm before getting removed from the ring by Shelley. EY continues to distract. Frogsplash by Alex. Suicide dive by him on the finally revived Tomko. Pele, but AJ gets distracted by EY again. Questionably legal but wicked awesome Crucifix/Sunset Flip pinning combination by Shelley & Sabin gets the pin and wins it for the Guns.

Winners: MCMG

After the match EY tells AJ to follow him and Tomko and Styles argue about it before AJ follows.

Team 3D says no to the Ultimate X Match, because they're to big and muscular (Ray stomach seems to be pretty damn impressively strong, but that doesn't count as a muscle dammit!) and will ruin their legacy, but Cornette says it's booked. Devon gets up in Cornette's grill and Big Bubba Morgan steps in. Cornette Tells 3D get away or you will be removed from the premises. Team 3D and Brother Devine leave because of the all you can eat crab at Sizzler. Devon loves him some crabs apparently. Well, at least they had an excuse, I guess.

“The Voodoo Queen” Roxxi Laveaux, “The Pride of Tennessee” Jackie Moore, and “Liquid Courage” ODB vs. “The Amateur Pornstars” Velvet Sky and Angelina Love, and “The Love of My Life” Gail Kim

Gail gets worked over by Jackie but gets a drop toe hold on ODB. Velvet gets some effective offense in this week, and it'll be Angie playing Ricky (Ricki?) Morton. Crossface punches by Jackie. Roxxi with an overhead belly to belly, or something close to it. Bicycle kick by A-Love. Kim gets the wasabi tag. Mmm... wasabi. Wow-inducing (literally in my case) arm drag/head scissors thing by my beloved Gail. Sky flies from the top to the floor on Jackie, ODB, and Velvet! Awesome... but dammit, Velvet gets the short end of the stick again. Spinebuster by Roxxi gets two, but Gail escapes her finisher. Celtic Cross (Korean-Canadian Cross?) wins it.

Winner: Gail Kim (<3), Velvet Sky and Angelina Love

Cornette is spazzing over last weeks show and getting called into the office and says Big Bubba will be taking the fall with him for going into business for himself. Morgan tells him to relax pulls out an envelope and opens it and gives Cornette a check and reads a vote of confidence from corporate, including a much better rating than expected. What, they did a 1.1 like always, so apparently brass was expecting about a 0.7 rating last week's show? Cornette is humbled and they get set to go talk in private when Samoa Joe comes in and says he's not gonna wrestle. Cornette whines about everybody going into business for themselves and says if Joe doesn't wrestle, then he's fired.

Tenay talks with Abyss. Abyss is Chris Parks. He's known Mitchell for too long. Abyss says his mother raised him. The secret lives with Abyss and dies with him. Blah blah blah.

Elix Skipper vs. Samoa Joe

Joe is in street clothes and mauls skipper. Powerslam gets one. Joe shoves the ref. Musclebuster should win it, but Joe picks Skipper up at two. He puts Primetime in the tree of woe and kicks away to his heart's content. He shoves the ref away a couple times, with authority the last time. Disqualification.

Winner: “Primetime” Elix Skipper gets utterly destroyed in a winning effort.

Joe puts Skippy in the Koquina Clutch and doesn't let go until security arrives. He takes mic and rants angrily until the mic cuts out when he gets ready to name specific people he's pissed off with.

In some random room in the back, Jackie is messing around with a drunken James Storm. In that same room, Eric Young is talking to AJ Styles, and goes on a rant about choices that is stupid and makes no sense. Good times. AJ leaves and EY doesn't even realize it until he finished.

AJ taking advice from Eric Young is like the mentally handicapped leading the borderline mentally handicapped.

Scott Steiner says Petey should give him back his World Title shot and stay in the X-Division. Petey throws the thing over his shoulder like a scarf and walks off all huffy-like after proclaiming he will be the next World Heavyweight Champion. Oh yeah, Steiner still can't get Crystal's name right proving my point of calling her Anonymous Blond. I can relate to not getting names right though. I was occasionally called my dogs name several months after he was put down.

Dustin Rhodes is out as himself. He says Kaz attacked him last week for no reason. He wants to know why and tells Kaz to come out. He wants Kazizzle to explain himself. Spiffy (No misspelling on spiffy?!?! OpenOffice you random fuck! :O) Kaz is out, and he hates rats. Blah blah blah, ring rats, blah blah blah. Rhodes wants an apology. Kaz says kiss me ass. Rhodes slaps him. They brawl into the crowd. Rhodes gets the last shot in before security gets him away. As Dustin is exiting, Kaz crossbodifies him from most of the way up the bleachers to the floor. Awesome.

AJ is asking for help from Kevin Nash. lWo reference! Dr. Nash says there are no friends in this business, so it comes down to who he thinks is gonna stab him in the back. Oh man...

2007's most memorable moments video package. Yeah, it was several minutes long. For real!

Lets Try This Again Match- Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks and Kurt Angle vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell and... Commercial! Christian Cage

Cage runs down and the team of “Smackdown's Midcard Feud of the Year 2005”, as they will henceforth be known cleans house. Booker chops the stuffing out of Angle but eats a hard boot. Booker gets back on it and Cage makes the tag and beats down Bobby Roode then attacks Angle on the apron. Northern LARIATOOOOOOOOOOO~! AJ Styles is down to ringside as we go to commercial.

More Cage rattling and Booker finally gets the hot tag and cleans house. Hook kick on Roode. Spin kick on Angle. Spinaroonie! Roode takes a Book End for a near fall. Booker takes Roode out the ring just in time for Cage and Angle to get back in. Series of reversals of finishers and such and Angle and Cage clothesline each other. Roode hits a low blow on Cage. Spike Piledriver fails and Angle is removed. Roode gets hung over the top rope somehow. Booker nails the Axe Kick on the apron. Cage finishes Bobby with the Unprettier.

Winners: Christian Cage and Booker T

Styles ran away, and Cage calls him back angrily. Angle says you have no say, because he is mine and shouts at AJ to get his ass back out there. Long enough for it to feel like it was of his own accord, Styles returns, and they do the immature fight over him tug of war again. We don't get our answer before the show ends. Damn.

Si!: The women's match was pretty great. So was the lWo reference. Eric Young's tangent was great. Kaz' leap!

Ho!: The first main event of the 2 hour iMPACT! Era that was less anything less than spectacular. The commercial didn't help. They never do. Not nearly enough wrestling.

Fucked Up Moment of the Night: Lets go with Cage & Angle fighting over Styles like little kids.

Pluggery, FTW~!: Catherine Perez' DEADFACE WALKING will bring you cantankerous joy. RAW is text! HERE is the RETRO RANT of the 2004 edition of the ROYAL RUMBLE. We gots some wicked awesome CLASSIC SATIRE as well. The WWE aquires the History Channel! And you thought that mid-'90s cartoon Histeria! Was weird. All that's missing is Lucky Bob! O.o Here's last weeks WWE ON SCI-FI fantastic Christmas tale. It's magical!

Final thought of the year: Here's to a new year, to a fresh start, to renewed focus, to learning from the past year's mistakes, to making a thousand more. To the year 2007, good riddance and file it away. Onward to the year 2008, OLE~!!!!

(Dino) Sendoff: I'm Sweet Daddy Charley. So long from the Sunshine State. Or something. Have a safe an happy 2008 and forever more.


by Charley Martin

Bleh, I feel like crap, so lets get this Nondenominational gimmick fest over with.

TNA, we are wrestling... sometimes.

Dramatic voiceover guy tells Santa to shut the hell up. Oh, it's on now.

Oh, goody, another episode title. I missed it though. :P

EY is hosting a Christmas party. His fat hillbilly cousins and some chick with a monkey (Future Me: Upon further review... it's NOT A MONKEY~! Lemur?) are in the hizzouse. Hey, it's Bushwacker Luke. This... could be epic.

DW and Tenay pimp the card. Matt Morgan is running the show tonight. Dunno why, seeing as he's been giving Cornette fits, and as far I know he's just Jimmy's bodyguard anyway, but the matches attributed to him have been pretty good. Anyway, Big Bubba Morgan welcomes us to the show. The six sides of steel are adorned with Christmas Lights. Awesome touch.

Tenay does a brilliant job of recapping the recent stories of the participants involved. He does good sometimes, that Iron Mike. Not the other one though. He's crazy. Speaking of... SPEAKING of crazy people, there's Roode's psycho fan.

Six Sides of Steel Curtain Jerker of Christmas Merriment that I Wasn't Paying Attention to the Actual Title of but Mine is Probably better Anyway- Rock & Rave Infection (Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave) w/ Christy Hemme, James Storm w/ Santa beard and Jackie Moore, and Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks vs. LAX (Homicide & Hernandez), “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner, and Booker T w/ Sharmell

Steiner and Storm jockey for position briefly until Steiner brings the power game. Hiptoss, T-Bone, clothesline, pushups. Hernandez gets the tag from Steiner and Storm escapes to tag in Rave. Rave comes out fighting but Hernandez with the shades of Ron Simmons Spinebuster. Double team simultaneous corner shoulderblock/clothesline from LAX. Rave takes that overhead chokeplex thing into the cage. That looked kinda bad. Roode eats an elbow, but uses his Homicide's momentum against him and tosses him face first into the cage. There's also bows on the cage. Bobby puts the boots Homicide as we break for commercial.

Back and Hoyt (I think, but it might've been Storm) military presses Homicide and throws him into the cage. Eye of the Storm. Booker makes the save. Hoyt dives at Homicide, but catches only cage. T gets the hot tag and drops everybody. Rave finally decks him and it's clusterfuck time! Hemme tries to send in a chain but gets chased off by the masked Latino Nation member. One of the heels got launched into the cage by Steiner. In the chaos, Booker T hits Rave with the Book End to end it. Fun little match.

Winners: Booker T, LAX and Scott Steiner

Pornstars work their gimmick. EY is a clueless putz. Awesome Kong is scary. If Eric is gonna scream SANTAAA~! like Will Ferrell after every knock at the door, it is gonna be a seriously long night.

DW says Brother Ray (in full-on Santa gear), Brother Devon (in a sort of ragged Santa suit, no joke) and Brother Devine are out.  Don West says Ray makes Santa looks skinny. Well DW's head makes Barry Bonds' head look small. Touché?... Allegedly. Ray wishes us a merry Christmas. He wants to apologize to Macho Jay and the Machine Guns. Brother Devine is dressed as an elf and his kendo stick is made up like a candy cane. Oh joy, midgets, so you know this is gonna turn out well. Santa Ray brings up Lil' Chris Sabin on his lap and asks him what he wants for Christmas. He whispers it in Santa Ray's ear and Ray says he'll put an eye out with that thing and shoves him down. Lil' Alex Shelley wants a computer and Ray says it's so he can put himself over online. His Myspace page gets 38 hits or something. W/e. He gets shoved away. Lil Macho Jay wants an evening with So Cal Val. Santa Ray gives him $5 and tells him he wants back the change, much to Val's exception. Finally the short guys are disrespected once too often and Lil Sabin slaps Santa Ray. Elfie D and Black Santa (a buddy cop movie coming this winter from New Line Cinema! Huzzah!) take to the (candy) caning and belting, and Santa Ray joins the festivities.

The actual Macho Jay and Machine Guns make the save and Sabin says lets have our match now.

“Double North Pole” Stipulation Stockings on Poles Match (WTF?!)- Team 3D and Brother Devine vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and the Motor City Machine Guns

Back and we rollin'. The Ultimate X Match Stocking is in Team 3D's corner; the Glass Table Match stip is in the Guns & Lethal's corner. Devine gets outmaneuvered until Sabin misses the elbow. He tries to steal the quick win, but no dice. Shelley drops the double axe handle from the top, and Macho Jay says get your own move and somewhere over the cuckoo's nest Randy Savage shouts at Lethal to get HIS own moves. Brother Devon is in to pound on Shelley. Enzuigiri and Shelley goes for the win, but comes up empty. Superplex by Devon. Santa Ray gets worked over by Machismo. Machismo knocks out Brother Ray and Devine and goes for the stocking. Ray throws him down. Ray knocks out the Guns and goes for their Stocking, but Jay drops him and gets an armdrag. Rock Bottom with authority by Ray and commercial.

Outside and only Devon works over Shelley. Devine gets. Midgets interfere. Eliminator! Midgets interfere some. Macho Jay & Lil Jay hit Lethal elbows. Shelly gets the Ultimate X Match. Blah blah blah. The X-Division still had to go over by outnumbering the alleged “bad guys” in this one.

Winners: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and The Motor City Machine Guns

Christy Hemme dances on the couch as everybody sings. Kong KO's EY's fat slob hillbilly cousins. Nash shows up and Velvet & Angie get up close & personal with him. EY is retarded. CAAAAAATFIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTTTT~!

Eric and the helper monkey (lemur?) clean up the knockout's mess, though I may have been hallucinating. I honestly don't know. Oh well. Hmm... Kurt is in and tries to tell Young Santa doesn't exist. EY should not be allowed to have sugar. It's just that simple. Now he thinks Shrek and Santa are the same person and Spiderman helps him deliver presents. I yjoml I should remind y'all if you don't know thst Eroc Young is a fucking upper midcard/borderline main-eventer! What in the fucking hell?!

There is a toybox filled with potential implements of Tonka Tuff Cabbage Patch violence in the ring. DW says the camera guys, who actually exist in TNA continuity, drew straws to decide who got to film Velvet's butt. How nice.

Knockout (on 34th) Street Fight- ODB surprisingly w/o mistletoe on her belt vs. Roxxi w/ Christmas Themed Snowman Voodoo Doll (Tomorrow's Don West Insane Deal) vs. Jackie McDrinkalink vs. Christy Hemme vs. Ms. Brooks w/ Mistletoe vs. Awesome Kong vs. Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky COMMERCIAL vs. Gail Kim

Kim jumps Kong and they do battle outside. Like ferociously. Their fight goes all the way to the back and it's a total clusterfuck, but not the good kind like the cage match. Even DW can't keep up. Love gets caught under the box by ODB. When she gets out, she and Velvety take the box and knock ODB to the floor with it. Kong is back, walking gingerly, but Gail is nowhere to be seen. Kong kills everybody, flicking the amateur pornstars away when they attack, and double clotheslining Jackie and Ms. Brooks. Roxxi tries to work the voodoo and eats a Spinning Back Fist. She drags Hemme to the center of the ring. Hemme was clinging to a doll from the toybox? Trippy. Awesome Bomb as DW calls it on Hemme. Game over.

Winner: Awesome Kong

Gail Kim is back with a chair, but gets cutoff as she enters the ring. Kong goes for the Awesome Bomb, but Gail kicks her way out nifily and waffles Kong three times with the chair and starts pounding away relentlessly and Kong fights her off! This is the best feud going right now, and might still be even if MVP and Matt Hardy were still going at it and not on another injury hiatus. Neither woman backs down and security finally has to pull them apart. Fantastic!

Chris Harris is in to the party. Complaining and actually somewhat funny comical misunderstandings ensue. The X-Division's top guys and their midget avatars are in the hizzle. So is The Guru. Macho Jay has a moment with a Bushwhacker. Woohoohoo, so exciting. Lil Shelley & Sabin go for the cookies. So Cal Val brings the mistletoe and puckers up for Lethal, but Sonjay steals Machismo's kiss. Cockblock... FTW! Damn, what a bastard.

Samoa Joe is twitching, trying not to be an asshole but is seriously honked off with TNA management and says they should use the $60 they spent on the party towards his contract. He intimidates Anonymous Blond to go tell Big Bubba Morgan he'll be confronting him at the party in a bit.

Allegedly fun fact: Bubba comes up as a misspelling and corrections given are “Hubba” and “Bulba”, which are far more questionable in my humble opinion.

Recrap (not a typo) of the hell that has been Abyss' last year or so.

Shark Boy is held together by bandages. Poor guy, who thought it was funny to stick him in a match like this?

Silent Night, Bloody Night Match- Rellik vs. Shark Boy (the fuck?) vs. Black Reign w/ rat vs. Abyss

Abyss sends Reign outside and goes to work on him. Rellik spits crimson mist in the air and opens up a present from under the barbed wire Christmas tree hanging from the rafters. Itsa golf club. Barbed wire Christmas tree... How freaking cool is that? While we watch Abyss beat up Reign, Sharky somehow gets the golf club and kicks Rellik's ass with it, knocking him outside and choking him out by the announcer's table. Back in Abyss continues to work over Reign. Rellik escaped somehow and hits a Superkick on Abyss. Clothesline/spinebuster combo from Rellik & Reign. Brb, commercial.

Reign and Rellik get blasted with Shark Boy kendo stick shots and both eat... lets go with Single Knee Facebreakers? Kinda looked like Jericho's crappy new finisher, but off to the side a little bit. Barbed wire Christmas tree comes into play twice with Abyss getting run into it and the a little later the mismatched faces got both heels into the corner and launched it at them. Rellik ducked out, but Reign got skewered and drank a cup of water and it came out the puncture wounds and that is called filler my friends. Fun size bags of glass and thumbtacks come out of presents. Chokeslam by Abyss to Reign I think. Mitchell is on the apron. Abyss grabs him and the lights go out. Mesias appears and spits up a bunch of blood again and hell is apparently thumbtacks, because that's were the 6'0” 240 lb monster heel's weak finisher took Abyss Straight To. Rellik with a Demon Driver (Jackhammer) on Sharky for the W.

Winner: Rellik I guess... He did only pin Shark Boy, but Sharky looked pretty good in this match, so we can give it to him. And it was a fairly awesome match.

Joe shows up at the party and confronts Big Bubba Morgan and bitches about the party and his contract and the nice spread (a fairly big tray of cookies and literally nothing else) and says if he is needed, he can be found at home. He apologizes and wishes everybody but Sonjay, he being a heathen monkey (© Race Bannon), and proceeds to destroy the party, to the tune of flipping the the table with the cookie tray on it that prompts Morgan to shout “Do you know how much that cost?!” Looked like it had to be AT LEAST $18.50, there, Big Bubba: TNG. He also takes down the tree with authority before he leaves.

Eric is depressed. JB tries to tell upper midcard/borderline main-eventer Eric Young that Santa isn't real, but Santa shows up. O.O

Reindeer Games Ladder Match- AJ Styles vs. Kaz w/o lame jacket

A reindeer costume head is suspended above the ring. The winner must climb up a ladder and retrieve the head. The loser must wear a reindeer costume. A quick shot on Kazizzle and Styles goes out for the ladder. Kaz spears Styles but AJ rakes the eyes. AJ gets thrown into the crowd. Kaz sets up the ladder, but eats a Flying Forearm from the guardrail. AJ goes and takes the other ladder into the ring. He tries to suplex Kaz in, but eats a sick suplex to Styles on the ladder. Inverted DDT. Ladder shot from AJ. Punches traded. Drop toe hold onto the Ladder. ZOMG PELE~!111 Commercial.

Back and Kaz gets shot into the ladder hard. During the break Kaz got a powerbomb but took most of the punishment. Lots and lots of back & forth and Styles falls badly on a superplex, catching the edge of the ladder with his leg. At one point Kaz does something I've never seen before, lifting the other side of the ladder and pushing it forward to knock it and AJ over. I approve. What amounts to hiptoss from the top of the ladder by Styles. Still damn awesome though. Styles is up top and has it won when Angle shows up to encourage AJ, which naturally confuses him long enough for Kaz to knock him off. Kaz gets the reindeer head and the win.

Winner: Kaz... Waaaay better match than my weak recappin' skillz showed.

Styles pitches a royal fit and refuses to put the suit on and gets in a scuffle with Hebner. Kurt finally makes him put the cheapass suit on and puts the head on an almost in tears AJ himself. Kurt calls him a disgrace and makes him walk back to his hotel room in the suit and tells him to say I am not a reindeer 1000 times.

Santa and Eric Young come out delivering DVDs & shit. Long story tolerably shorter, Angle whines about not getting anything from Santa as a child. Santa punks him out by saying he was a naughty child and Angle wants Christian Cage right here and now for Christmas, but thinks he too much of a wuss to show, knocks EY out of the ring and puts the Ankle Lock on Santa. A little girl in the crowd is shown crying. Aww, poor kid. Cage comes out of a package at ringside (was he there the whole time?) and finally becomes a face by beating down Angle. And all they had to do to finally get us to buy him as a good guy was have him save Santa from getting his ankle freakin' broken. Damn.

Music + recap = end show.

Feliz Navidad: Fantastic wrestling. Loved the decorated cage. As I said earlier, awesome touch. Cage finally becomes a face in a well executed story that lead up to the final save. Bushwhacker Luke! Overall solid show. One of the best, I think, two episodes since the move to two hours.

Happy Festivus: Eric Young is an upper midcard/borderline main-eventer and this believing in Santa business stretched his childlike innocent character to the breaking point.

Fucked up moment of the night: Have to go with Sonjay stealing So Cal Val's kiss that was intended for Macho Jay. What a bastard.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: We have a tie. Awesome Kong and Gail Kim came off as total badasses and amped their feud up even more.

Pluggery, FTW: Catherine Perez' DEADFACE WALKING pwns all. She also brought us this month's poorly booked WWE ppv, ARMAGGEDON 2007. RAW, SMACKDOWN!, and WWECW recaps are better than the shows themselves, though I should've tuned into Smackdown! for that Finlay/Hornswoggle vs. Khali/Singh match, if nothing else. Canadian Bacon has a PROPAGANDA FILM for his writer of the year campaign... Hey, has the Baconator even written anything this year? Last but not least, and as if you'd ever read my stuff before his, Derek Burgan has a new edition of the GIMMICK TABLE. Rejoice you humble peasants. Oh snap! I think I just teased a heel turn.

Final Thought(s): Nothing much except sorry I failed to add my personal touch this week. I'll try and get in there next week. Hmm, I got a couple new games last night. Not “Fire Pro Wrestling Returns” like I planned though. Stupid slight overpricing by the only place in town that has it, Gamestop. Being poor sucks so bad. I guess I'm one of the peasants. So much for that heel turn. I did get a fighting game at least. Bleh, my stomach hurts.

(Dino) Sendoff: Another one in the books, and it was above average to boot. I'm now a lifecaster, btw, and that may have something to do with the lateness of this recap. Believe dat, playa. Until next time Rambo Greg Gagne, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and I think I'm gonna be sick. T.T


by Charley Martin

Sorry I wasn't around to give you your weekly heapin' helpin' of perpetual Wrestlecrap that is TNA iMPACT! last week. I thought I'd make a smartass comment about having food poisoning, but it's a little late in the game for that joke. But anyway, due to a diminishing number of requests (© Gorilla Monsoon, circa 1987), I'm BAAAACK.

I'm on five minutes late because I had to place an order for some food and we pick up it up already in progress with Christian Cage admitting he's an asshole and that he deserved to get his ass kicked by Kurt Angle and Bobby Roode. He's a prick and he likes it like that. How nice for him and his new badass gimmick. You might even call it “stone cold”. Oh, and TNA isn't big enough for his and Kurt's egos to co-exist. Hmm... I just had an awesome visual of their egos being like the auras of power that surround DBZ characters when they power up. At least it was awesome when I thought it up... but I digress.

Angle asks if Cage he ever shuts up. Pot calls kettle black, FTW! Angle says this is war and he is the general. He decides what's what and Cage is just a private. Angle & Roode vs. Cage and a mystery partner is set... if he can even find one. Cage calls Karen a whore to the turn of turning tricks for $50. If that were the case, there would be a lot less alleged virgins in the IWC. Most of us could probably afford that. I think most of us could skip a WWE ppv and mooch another ten bucks just this once.

Roode has had enough and says it isn't the Booker T's of this world that are the problem, it's guys like Cage. He tells Cage to find a partner and be ready.

To the back and JB. Styles is spazzing over what went wrong. AJ just wanted them all to be a family. Silly AJ, this is TNA, and NOBODY gets along in TNA. Marriages of people in crowd have come undone in the iMPACT! zONE!. Possibly true story, ya never know. Anyway, Tomko who was somewhat amused by Styles freaking out, says everything blew up because they had a good leader in Cage but Styles had to be the man and decided to try and play on both sides... something about Deon Sanders. Blah blah blah now we have to choose sides tmz blah.

Iron Mike & DW pimp tonights shenanigans like baseball cards on HSN. Allegedly.

Dramatic recap of the Feast or Fired BS.

Anonymous Blond is with Petey Williams who seems to have recently acquired a bodybuilder gimmick, and I must say he is a jacked little shrimp. He's 110% sure he's got a title shot, too. So-so Ahnold impression (from Petey, not Anonymous Blond, though I think most of the perpetual 1.1 would've marked out hard for that) and it's time for a match at last.

Hermie Sadler is on commentary and I'm sure somebody somewhere cares. Maybe.  Hehe, Hermie.

Stupid Stipulation Feast or Fired or $50,000 Match- Christopher Daniels vs. BG James vs. “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams vs. “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner (Winner gets $50,000 for their briefcase or they can take a different briefcase OR keep their own)

Daniels fights with Scott Steiner while Petey hits around four dropkicks, the last few from behind on the last hope for the James wrestling dynasty. Fallen Angel and BG are removed and Petey incites a posedown with Steiner. I dunno, but I call it a draw. Petey might be a little less ripped, but Steiner barely looks human anymore. BG is back in but eats double clothesline from giant scary muscle and short Canadian muscle. Elbow drop and push-ups from Steiner and Petey does the same. Hehe, funny shit. Jawbreaker and spinning heel kick and Petey poses some more. Steiner with T-Bones and Belly to Bellies. Angel's Wings to BG. Petey destroys Daniels Canadianly for two. Scott Steiner breaks the pin and hits Petey with a Belly to Belly for the win, because BG James and *spoiler alert if you didn't watch* the guy who gets fired later tonight (Christopher Daniels) need to be protected. Him getting pinned gets even more fucked up in a few minutes.

Winner: Scott Steiner... What happened to Stiff Rick?

Game show parody time w/ doofy music, and JB asks Big Poppa Pump if he wants the cash, or if he wants to take whichever briefcase he wants. Steiner decides to he wants the title shot and despite BG's pleas to take his case, Scott takes Petey's, because apparently pinning him to win the match just wasn't enough for the most abrasive good guy in the history of professional wrestling, Austin included.

Back from the break. I got my food and they are about to open the first case. JB plays Howie Mandel though looks completely generic (as far as game show hosts go). Petey's new case is the first to be opened and... Petey has a World Title Shot. In yo face, 'Roidy McRoidroid (allegedly, and hey, Petey is freaky jacked himself). However, this leads me to a bit of a fucking problem. Petey just got pinned three minutes ago... should he really be getting a World Heavyweight Championship match? Oh, lets not forget an X-Division guy got buried again when he lost that match. FUCK!

Kaz says he learned to remain humble from Chuck Norris. He then shills for Total Gym. Not really, sadly. Christian Cage comes in and says Kaz will be his partner tonight because he owes him. Kaz makes Cage close his eyes and then runs away. Pwned. Anonymous Blond tells him young Kazuo runned away.

According to one of Tenay's many faces of fear Black Reign says Rellik is his darkest nightmare. Becoming a jobber.

Pointless Match- Rellik vs. Kaz

Kaz attacks with hard shots from the opening bell and chokes him in the corner. Kaz fights back and scores with a high iMPACT! kicking combination. Slingshot onto Rellik outside and we have a commercial, just to kill the momentum dead.

If you get a PSP, you deserve that douche that bugs you, unless you get it as a gift. Then you deserve the receipt, so you can get a refund and buy the awesometastic Nintendo DS. AJ STYLES APPROVED~!... And wouldn't it be awesome if AJ Styles annoyed random DS players? There is a skit that is incredibly stupid but I really want to see anyway. Make it happen, dipshits booking TNA!

Scoopslam and Rellik misses a legdrop from the top. Basement dropkick. Slowest... rollup... ever, gets two. Botchified leg sweep. Running boot to the guts for two. Kaz reverses something inverted and hits Wave of the Crappily Named Finisher FTW!

Winner: Kaz... if by winning you mean getting hit in the forehead with Black Reign's poking utensil and then having a bag with a with a live rat in it being put over your face as is what happened after the match's conclusion, then yeah, he totally won bigtime.

The TNA pornstars make double entendres and shit about their "experience" and goin' up & down roads and hotels & shit while JB's... eyes bulge. They give him crap about his dirty mind even though THEY STARTED IT! They have slightly deeper voices than Bobby Lashley, btw. I guess they've got a match after the break. They've only got three minutes to whoop Jackie & Ms. Brooks because they've got a full schedule tonight. Actually Ron Stoppable 20 Years Later's eyes were pretty much buggin' out of his head before the end of this, so yeah... FULL CIRCLE~!

Power Down/Power Up. It USUALLY works. And if it doesn't, whoo if you thought the foul mouthery was on before, the sailors down at the dock are gonna be makin' like the monkeys that hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil when it comes to your rantin' & ravin', playa. Holla holla or something! Hehe, I just cut a better promo than most of the WWE's razor thin roster is capable of (and about something completely pointless no less). I so proud. =3

Jackie is drunk off her ass. Or drunkeh like a monkeh. Whichever. She chest bumps and dumps beer down Ms. Brooks' ample cleavage. Roode is a bitch to Ms. B. Ho-hum.

Velvet Sky and Angelina Love vs. Ms. Brooks and Jackie Moore

Allegedly fun fact: My “research” has discovered that there is an actual pornstress by the name of Angelina Love. Internet porn proves it's worth yet again. *thumbs and something else up!* Ms. Brooks cleans house and Jackie hits a flapjack on Velvet without spilling her beer. Jackie tosses Velvet around and hits a backbreaker for a near fall and drives her face first into Ms. B-Double-D's foot and tags her in. Ms. Brooks is in and dominating with a hard clothesline and other awesomeness until Sky hits a jawbreaker and makes the tag. Crossbody from the top by Angelina Love and Jackie gets laid... out, for her interference. Inverted stunner thing by Angie to somebody. Brooks gets her up for something, but Jackie causes enough distraction for Love to escape and get the rollup for the W.

Winner: Angelina Love... and porno names. No love for Velvet though, she got no offense or even the pinfall.

Roode gets in Jackie's face for shoving Ms. Brooks and then brutally lays into Brooks (verbally) as the psycho fan looks on from afar, grinning evilly. Sharmell is out and says it's no way to treat a lady. Hey, psycho fan has a spotlight on her and nobody notices. You can see her up in the corner of the screen. Trippy. Spoiled rich kid sees no ladies in the ring and runs Sharmell down to the tune of her being a prostitute and meeting Booker on a street corner and T comes down and runs him off before he can do anything else.

Anonymous Blond is with Cage because he doesn't want to see Kevin Nash by himself. Big Immobile was asleep and apparently just sits around and does nothing and gets paid. Almost true till recently. Also when Kenny Rogers' giant stunt double first wakes up, he forgets he's pushing 50 and thinks he's prepubescent. Was that Lawler's excuse? Charley wonders... Anyway, after Nash leaves, Cage calls Nash an 11 year old with gray hair.

'70s night variant James Mitchell (coming soon!) is out and calls out Abyss but I require a sample. What in the fucking hell is Mitchell wearing?! How deep into the closet did he have to go to find that?... And what celebrities did he come across when he ventured in there so deep? Abyss is out. Mitchell asks who has put more of an emotional inverstment in CHRIS than him? NOBODY! He says when he got him out of prison he helped CHRIS get his life back. And now it's time for the truth to come out, but Abyss won't talk. Jim says nobody would believe him if he said it because of that meddling Sting, but if CHRIS says it, they will believe. Still no, and Mitchell gets ready to try and fight, but gets dropped with a forearm shot and goozled.

The lights go out and when they come back on Judas Mesias reappears from injury spewing blood like crazy. Like an anime nosebleed, except it's coming out his mouth. Been saving it up apparently. He chokes Abyss with barbed wire and waffles him with a chair. They bind his hands behind him, though this being TNA, surprisingly not with handcuffs, some kind of rope. A few more nasty unprotected chair shots and Mesias hits Abyss with his unsuitably weak finisher on the chair.

Booker says he's a nice guy, but you don't wanna piss him off. Christian wanders into his interview and asks Book to team up with him tonight. Despite having clear and obvious reason to, Booker says no go and apparently Sharmell thinks being referred to as “Beyonce” is an insult. Huh, well I guess it could've been surprise that something he said wasn't insulting. It is a rare occurrence. I'll go with that, because otherwise she's got a mighty big ego like Cage & Angle's, and I'm just not prepared for that.

“Wildcat” Chris Harris complains about not getting asked to be Cage's partner and asks if he has to change his last name to Angle to get any respect. Might help. Or maybe a less stupid gimmick. But alas, that would make too much sense.

“Wldcat” Chris Harris vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell

Harris attacks with hard shots and and gets a sketchy spinebuster for one. Booker drops him with a kick, though not a dropkick lol. Booker with an armbar. Wildcat hits the lefty lariato that turns Booker inside out, but the jumping one gets caught. Book End, Axe Kick, One, Two, Three.

Winner: Booker T... and me, because I've got nachos. They be soggy, but my point stands.

Commercial. Gift Certificates for all!

Randomly Placed Random Non-Wrestling Related Thought of the Night: I was reading a recent interview with Morgan Webb a couple days ago, and I can't help but wonder if it's weird that I never questioned whether or not she was a gamer...

Second briefcase time. BG's turn and he is really nervous because he apparently didn't want anything to do with the briefcase and Kip's attitude hasn't been helping. As it is, the not annoying member of VKM gets a Tag Team Title Match. Kip is happy, but BG says his partner is yet to be determined... NOBODY gets along in TNA~!!

Dustin Rhodes says he's not in control of Black Reign. Kaz attacks him though and security has to break it up. Segment over, but if this leads to a Kaz/Reign feud, take a long, hard look at where Chris Harris is young Kazimoto and pray, really hard.

Lumberjack Strap Match- Johnny Devine vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

Jay throws Brother Devine outside a couple times and he gets the straps. Devine tosses Jay out and they tap him gently. Johnny finally goes out after him and gets blasted, ducking under the ring as we go to commercial.

Back and Devine has a double underhook but gets back body dropped to the floor and gets strapped mercilessly. The X-Division thugs (hey, if they gonna book them like heels, then I will refer to them as such) toss him back in to a Lethal Combination and always sketchy but relatively decent looking tonight Lethal Elbow for I think only his third or so win as X-Division Champion. Only about 6 more wins and ol' Macho Jay will run his record as X-Division Champion back to even.

Winner: Jay Lethal... FINALLY. But even though he won, I think what was shown of his match was still waaaay shorter than the damn commercial break in the middle. Even when BMJL wins, he loses.

After the match the X-Thugs take turns whipping Johnny Devine while the Motor City Machine Guns hold him down. These are the faces? What the fuck? Team 3D has to come down and MAKE THE SAVE as Brother Devine escapes into the crowd, running away like a SCALDED DAWG~! Team 3D don't do much, just giving Devine time to escape. I mean hell, would you want to take on the unified force of over a half dozen under 220 lb thugs with leather straps?   Didn't think so. FUCK!!!

Last round of our crappy Deal or No Deal Parody and Borash, Scott Steiner & Christopher Daniels are in the ring. Daniels has faith he will get the shot. Steiner says Cornette doesn't have the spaldings to fire him and he'll get his world title shot back from Petey. The final briefcase opening is on... when we come back from this commecial break... Borash you bastard.

We're back and it's moment of truth time. Scott Steiner has an X-Division Title Shot. Damn that's is gonna be a hella awesome match. I almost hope he wins it. That would be so comedy gold. Of course this however means that Christopher Daniels is fired. If we don't at least get a Curry Man cameo outta th e forthcoming stupid shit, we riot!111

Cage asks Samoa Joe for help. Joe (in his Castro cap) says everybody comes to him when they're in trouble because they hope Joe hates their opponent a little more than he hates them. He's got his own problems with management and a contract sitch. Cage offers to talk to management to get him a better deal if they team up and Joe says he'd rather be broke than team with Cage. He then gets bleeped several times and tells everybody to suck his ass. Well there be plenty of his ass to go around... oh, snap! Joe's gonna kill me! Joe's gonna kill me! Joe stalks off like the badass that he is and Cage says he'll just have to go out there with the only person he can count on. Himself.

Main Event- TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle w/ Karen Angle and Bobby Roode vs. “Stone Cold?” Christian Cage

Roode goes in and gets stomped. Angle chases him around the ring. Back in Cage gets a clothesline on Roode, but takes a shot from Angle and gets worked over with nondescript offense from Roode until he scores a back body drop and goes back on O, outmaneuvering his opposition culminating in an inverted DDT on Roode as he ducks an Angle clothesline.  Seeya in four or so.

Back and Cage got caught up top with a belly to belly and got beaten like the red-headed stepchild of a government mule during the break. In real time, Angle gets huge air but misses a Moonsault. Cage out punches Angle. Rolling Germans. Angle Slam but Cage floats over into an Unprettier. Angle counters that with the anklelock. Cage rolls through and hits an inverted DDT, but the Frog Splash try misses. Nifty shit happened from here to the end, and Cage hit the Frog Splash on Angle but only got a Deuce. No Domino. Lame. Sorry. I kinda got caught up in watching this part and not typing what happened though. My bad. Low blow by Angle. Spike(TV) Piledriver ends it for the heels that aren't Christian Cage.

Winners: “Bald Backdoor Bombardier” Kurt Angle and “Spoiled Rich Kid” Robert Roode... Isn't it great how everybody in TNA who undergoes a gimmick change loses their first match in their new gimmick?

Post match Angle and Roode destroy Cage. Roode with the Northern LariatOOOOOOOOO (hehe sorry, been watching puro on youtube; good times...)! Formerly self-titled Slam by Angle. But wait there's more! Kurtle puts the anklelock on Cage and grapevines it. AJ is out looking conflicted and does nothing... Kurt finally lets go and says there's a Nondenominational Holiday Party next week on iMPACT!, but Cage won't be making it as AJ looks on with an expression of constipation or something. SEEYA NEXT WEEK!

Next weeks Gimmick Match Holiday Spectacular is teased by our... creepily jovial voiceover guy. Scary. My nachos are cold now. :(

Si: The wrestling was good. Ms. Brooks looked fantastic in the ring. Despite everything that was wrong with tonight's episode it didn't suck near as bad as it should have. Cage's post match beatdown was awesomely ferocious, considering he was already pretty much dead from the Spike(TV) Piledriver. The Nothern LariatOOOOOOO~! was sick, and from behind.

Ho: Heel vs. Heel main events. And are they trying to turn Cage face? If so, umm, they are doing a pretty shitty job. I can't even buy him as a tweener yet, even after the ***** post-match utter destruction he received, I still felt worse for Johnny Devine. SPEAKING of Brother Divine, Isn't the X-Division supposed to be the good guys in this dumb feud? Are they going to try and turn the whole division heel or something? I hope so, because it's working. Surely TNA wouldn't be so stupid as to book a major angle completely backwards... FUUUCK!!! I'd be bitchy too if I were in Chris Harris' position. Is Black Reign about to bring down another would-be main eventer. No offense for Velvet. Just a funny feeling in the pants of a collective perpetual 1.1 rating. Oh, and the butchering of two matches via commercial was kinda bad. Giving a guy that was pinned literally minutes before a World Heavyweight Title shot not so good either.  The Deal or No Deal parody failed too. Ah well, still beats WWECW by a Kelly Kelly botch or 36.

Somewhat Humorous or at Least Trippy but Not Outright Bad Fucked Up Moment of the Night: That suit that James Mitchell was wearing was just... criminal.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: Ms. Brooks was awesome in the ring tonight, and since nobody else really stood out like she did (insert joke about large breasts here), I'll go with her.

Pluggery, FTW: Catherine Perez has my vote for TWF writer of the year. HERE is the reason why... it's called DEADFACE WALKING. Go read it. Now. There is a new guy doing WWECW. HERE is what he has to say about the worst wrestling show on television maybe ever. RAW almost turned fifteen on Monday and a lot of jobbers came back and had a battle royal to mark the occasion. Read all aboot it HERE. One more year and the show can drive, like a sweaty heel in a speedo making his getaway in a nice rental car (a visual that never stops being funny). AD makes SMACKDOWN! READ. Sean brings the 2004 edition of ARMEGGEDDON to life in quite possibly inebriated text form. ENJOY, won't you? Vote for TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR right HERE. I'm not asking everybody to vote for me, I just need one vote to validate my existence... or at least to let me know that I don't completely suck at my job. Hello, is anybody out there? Somebody?...

Final Thought(s): I dunno if it's all the negativity I've been reading about TNA on 411mania or what, justified or not (the truth, as usual, lies somewhere in between, methinks), but it was really hard to get up for tonight's show. I wonder if Shawn Michaels lost his smile in a similar manner...

(Dino) Sendoff: I need a nice tall frosty glass of tea. Maybe that will help me find my alternately sweet and creepy smile. It's like the bell ringing for Festus, except for me it's watching porn. So until next time poorly booked wrestling program fans, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and that's not a Maple Leaf... and those aren't muscles... O.O


by Charley Martin


TNA, we are wrestling... sometimes. “Coalition/Alliance Summit” WTF? An episode title?

In some hallway Christian Cage tries to get Robert Roode to cause trouble with Booker T... though in some way, the whole keeping him down thing he was saying is kind of an understandable sentiment, if not quite realistic on a specific individual level. Anyway, Roode's gonna take care of business, and not how Karen Angle usually tries to. I assume anyway.

Tonight's main event is pimped and it's Booker T time! The man is out, as is his wife. “Booker T!” chant. Booker shills his website and an eventual book(?). Booker says he's here because TNA is the hottest thing goin', to test his mettle against the great young talent, to take TNA to a higher level, and to make TNA the best show in the world. He's gonna kill the idiots that book this shit and maybe tear out Don West's tongue? Yay! Oh, and he's gonna be champ and has a 32” waist. Huh... who knew? Now can you dig that, Sucka?!

Roode is out and says he's been working his butt off the last four years and is sick of washed up has beens coming in and keeping him down. He says lets leave the skanks in the back and throwdown, and Booker's all like oh no you di'nt. Your's might be a skank, but this here's my wife yo. Sharmell keeps him from attacking, but lets him go after Roode when he calls her a tramp. Security breaks it up before they can get within 12 feet of each other, which is pretty impressive when the whole roster can't keep guys apart sometimes. Booker psyches up as he goes to the face vortex to get ready for his iMPACT in-ring debut later tonight. Take a break, get some food and go to the bathroom or something, because it's time for lame commercials for random and mostly pointless shit.

Christy bitches about LAX issues and Rave acts like an annoying little brother. I hope that's just a gimmick.

TNA Beer Drinking Champion Eric Young and TNA Knockouts Champion Gail Kim vs. Rock & Rave Infection (Jimmy Rave & Christy Hemme w/ Lance Hoyt)

Christy starts it cheaply but gets caught in an armbar. Hemme with a low blow to escape. Somebody botches something, and Gail can't get the arm drag and just sort of falls. Hemme makes the tag and after thinking about it, so does Gail Kim. EY eats shoulder but gets a Thesz press and punches. Tilt-a-Whirl Armbar by Rave. EY rolls through, and lifts Rave up (even though he woulda had the pin right there) and sits him on the top turnbuckle and pats him on the head. Hehe. Young comes back and yanks Jimmy off by the hair and to the mat. Hoyt yanks EY down in the corner and crotches him on the post. Rave dropkicks the downed Young in the face and gets a little offense until he goes high risk. EY catches him with the ol' Inverted Atomic Drop off the second rope leap. Tags are made and Rave eats Gail Kim hurricanrana. I approve, though I can think of MANY worse things than Gail Kim flipping me with her legs. Christy takes advantage but Gail gets a nifty rollup to take the victory for her team of champions.

Winners: Gail Kim and Eric Young

After the match James Storm & Jackie Moore come down so Storm can try and drink more than Eric in 60 seconds and take back his awesome belt. TNA Beer Drinking Championship Spinner Belt > WWE Championship Spinner Belt.

Speed Beer Drinking Contest- Eric Young vs. “Cowboy” James Storm

Don West says don't try this at home unless you are over 21 and a trained professional. Tenay says he knows some people over 21 who shouldn't be drinking and gets in a line about this being the best officiating he's seen from referee Rudy Charles. It's pretty close until the fourth beer when Young fights his urge to hurl faster, and finishes all six as time expires to take the win 6 beers to 5.

Winner: And STILL ridiculous TNA Beer Drinking Champion... Eric Young

After the match Storm snaps and breaks a beer bottle on Young's face. Doofy comic relief guys are best bleeders this side of Brother Devon. A chair shot for good measure and Storm takes off with the belt.

Styles says he, Tomko, Cage & Angle will all work like a well oiled machine, like a family even. Like The Waltons. Tomko calls Styles John Boy and informs him Cage & Angle hate each other. AJ says some famous people who got back together and Tomko says too much TMZ. Funny shit. They go to try and get everybody and the stuff together.

Turning Point card is pimped and recap of the stupid Team 3D war with the X-Division.

Street Fight- “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt and S... I mean X-Division Champion “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Team 3D w/ Johnny Devine w/ X-Division Championship

Team 3D gets the drop on Macho Guru off the Johnny Divine distraction and kick X-Division ass. Out of sync dropkicks put Jay & Sonjay back in it soon enough and Team 3D fall to the floor. Better timed crossbodies and Macho Jay and The Guru get out and set up a table at ringside. No way that will come back to bite them in the ass... Ooh, it's take home a star of the X-Division/giant chibified Brother Ray night as Jay and Sonjay take the fight into the stands. Jay hits a crossbody from a high rail and Sonjay springboards from the ring into the crowd onto Ray... well a little empty section. Commercials.

Second rope 450 by Sonjay on Devon and an ever sketchy elbow drop from Lethal for a near fall on Ray. During the break Macho Jay and The Guru dominated with liberal use of trash cans and unhealthy snack foods. The Guru hits a flippy dippy Van Terminator to the trash can sitting on Devon's face. Both men cover him, but Devon kicks out at two. Jay & Sonjay go up, but Devine taps Lethal with the kindo stick and he falls onto and through the table on the floor. Sonjay jaws with Devine, giving Team 3D a chance to recover a bit, and they hit him immediately with the 3D when he turns around.

Winners: Team 3D

Post match Ray whips Jay with nunchaku outside and Devon uses the belt in on Sonjay until the Motor City Machine Guns come out to run them off.

AJ begs Kurt to go talk to Christian. Styles said Karen told him he and Tomko could play for both sides. (Future Me: the only failed attempt at humour by Styles and Tomko all night is in the presence of Kurt... I wonder if it should be taken as a sign.) She confirms that's what she said and Kurt makes her go talk to Christian. Styles seems pleased, but Tomko not so much.

Match of 10,000 little pointy metal things is pimped.

Rellik w/ two masks vs. Rhino w/ apparently nothing better to do

Rhino outbrawls evil Stamboli and hits a clothesline and a belly to belly, but misses the early Gore and goes face first into the middle turnbuckle. Big spinebuster and ground poundery. Rhino tries to fight back, but takes a running boot to the face. More beatdown and Rhino hits a spinebuster of his own and a Gore! Gore! Gore!

Winner: Rhino

Blackdust and Rellik double team and Abyss makes the save.  Ho-hum.

Styles is nervous and has to pee. JB uses techniques he learned from Karen to help AJ relax. Umm... yeah, nothing dirty I swear. But I can't really make it sound not dirty so we'll just be moving on. They go in and Cage throws a hissy fit and finally says it's all over and blames them for fucking it up for themselves, because despite being the ones with the gold, they need him more than he needs them. Right... Christian asks Tomko what he was thinking, and Tomko says he told him not to. Continuity FTW! Cage says the Coalition is all over and Styles looks like he's about cry as he's begging for forgiveness. Cage finally says he'll talk to Angle and AJ scurries away to get Karen. Tomko tells him Kurt wouldn't see him and Cage bleeps out. Commercial.

Back and Styles takes roll call, and says they are here for the betterment of TNA and mankind as a whole. He gets Karen and Christian to shake hands and it actually worked. Wow. AJ rechristens them a team. Group hug, and Cage wants to talk to Karen privately. After everybody else is gone, Cage grabs Karen gets all up in her face and I thought he was gonna do her right there. Umm... after a mental cold shower by me, he says it's just about winning the match for him, and she and/or Kurt better not fuck him over. Then they have rough sex? Nope, sorry.

It's time for Booker T to make his iMPACT! Wrestling debut.

Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell

Roode tries a cheap shot but gets blasted several times in the corner and eats educated feet for two. Spinebuster for another two. Roode drives Booker into the corner and gets in several hard shots. Booker dodges a charge and lights Bobby up with chops. Another Booker suplex gets two. Roode drops Booker on the ropes and gets a swinging neckbreaker for two. Commercial? Wah!

Rollup for two by Roode and then a clothesline. The crazy fan is in the house and if looks could kill. Chinlock and Booker fights out but Roode gets a close two on the Double A Spinebuster. DDT for two two counts. After bitching at the ref, the spoiled rich kid eats jumping superkick. Axe Kick FTW!

Winner: and not already fucked up by stupid booking unlike their savior up north, Booker T (Wow... who thought that Booker would last longer in regards to that?... Liar)

Cage comes in and attacks from behind. The double team is on with pummeling and chair shots to the ribs. The bad guys turn their attention to Sharmell and Kaz comes in to make the save. He and the revived Booker T dispense Roode & Cage from the ring.

Scott Steiner asks Anonymous Blond why he's in the 8-man tag match tonight when he doesn't even like his own team and can't get umm... Crystal's(?) name right. He seems to have no idea about the Feast or Fired match and she explains it to him. Commercial.

Now for the next several minutes we'll pimp the hell of Turning Point. I admit it's a pretty decent looking card. But much like the pretty decent looking Lita when she approaches, it's best to wear protection. Better safe than sorry.

After the introductions, it's time for a commercial before our big main event.

Main Event 8-Man Tag Team Match- Christian Cage, TNA World Tag Team Champions AJ Styles and Tomko, and TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle w/ Karen Angle vs. Kaz, Scott Steiner w/ renewed singles push?, Abyss, and Samoa Joe

Steiner easily overpowers Styles. Tomko tags in. AJ gets over-excited and falls into the ring. He tags in again but his courage fails immediately in the face of Steiner. Tomko comes back in and eats a clothesline, elbow drop, and push-ups. Joe gets the tag and beats the stuffing out of Tomko for a bit. Kaz is in and goes back & forth with Tomko but gets a big dropkick. Abyss's turn to beat him up now. The Monster eventually fails a corner charge but scores with a big boot. Abyss sends Angle to the floor with a forearm but gets layed out with a Tomko boot and plays Abyssy Morton for a bit. The heels knock him around outside, but Styles isn't strong enough to push him back into the ring by himself. Tomko punches the faces and makes the pin when Abyss is rolled back in.  No count because the ref was trying to keep the good guys at bay. AJ gets tossed almost 20 feet in the air, according to Don West (more like 10, which is still high enough to not require that kind of embellishing). He tries holding onto Abyss' ankle to keep him from making the tag, but the big man just yanks him over to his corner. Steiner with overhead belly to belly suplexes for everybody on the other side. He tags in Kaz and hoists somebody up on his shoulders to eat Kaz' boots.  House cleaning by Kaz, but Cage scores with a lowblow on Kaz and sends him out to get beat up by Tomko as we step out for a moment, for the last time tonight.

Kaz gets a single leg drop kick off of Cage's second rope leap to nowhere, but can't make a tag. Tomko killed Kaz with some high iMPACT! moves during the break. Angle takes the tag and he and Cage stare down as Angle goes to work on Kazzizzle. Release German for two as Styles and Tomko run over and attack the faces. Kaz gets knees from Tomko but gets the boot up in the corner. Picture perfect Tornado DDT by Kaz. Joe gets the tag and cleans house as he normally does in these situations. Angle's formerly self-titled Olympic Slam on Joe. Black Hole slam to Kurt. Choke bomb by Tomko on Abyss. T-bone Suplex by Steiner to Tomko. Christian hits something I missed on Steiner. Wave of the Future for Christian courtesy of Kaz. Styles with a Springboard Backflip Inverted DDT (what's the proper name for this?) to drop Kaz. Joe puts in the choke on AJ but Christian saves his day, only to get inadvertantly hit with PELE~!!!111111 a short time later. I'm sure Pele was none to happy to be used as a weapon like that, but I'm sure he was well compensated for his appearance. Wow, it was somehow even dumber the second time I wrote it... Joe hits the Muscle Buster on Cage for the 1... 2... 3!

Winners: Samoa Joe, Kaz, Abyss, and Scott Steiner

I guess the idea was to reestablish Steiner and make Joe look good going into the pay-per-view, but Tomko completely stole this match.

Recap of the last three weeks or so/Turning Point preview to Crash Anthem and I believe we're done here. Good show.

Put Over: Only two appearances by Kurt Angle all night?! And only one was stupid backstage shenanigans?! WIN~!! Lotsa Styles & Tomko, but that is far more palatable than Kurt. They are actually pretty funny. The wrestling was even better than usual. Of course Macho Jay and The Guru took it to the extreme and looked natural and good doing it in a very good match. Tomko's star shines through in a match featuring many of the best in-ring performers in TNA.

This was easily the best show since iMPACT! went two hours. The few booking problems were fairly minor and easily forgiven.

Bury: Said minor booking problems... Rellik got beat again. 0-2 means watch out for that pile of thumbtacks. Both Cage and Roode took the clean pinfall losses on the same night in matches against their pay-per-view opponents going into the pay-pay-view (though Cage didn't directly lose to Kaz). If they are feuding out of their league with LAX, The Rock & Rave Infection should have beaten somebody, though not who they were actually facing, who were also well out of their league. Basically the only not good thing was several heels going into the pay-per-view on their heels.

WTF?! of the Night: Was that a title I saw at the beginning of this episode? “Coalition/Alliance Summit”? Hmm... well, I guess if it means we won't have 15 minutes of retardedness to set up the show-long backstage plot at the beginning of each week, I guess it is a good thing. But still pretty wtf? inducing.

TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night: Tomko! He made some funny and more than held his own in the ring, outright stealing the main event despite his team including AJ Styles, Christian Cage, and Kurt Angle... not to mention Kaz and Joe being on the other side. I don't know why anyone would want him to play workhorse for the team he had around him, but he did a damn good job in there, and thus earns his place as the first ever TNA iMPACT! Player of the Night.

Final Thoughts: The problems with the show were minor, and there were no fundamental flaws in the design or execution. The show was good tonight, and one of the better you are likely to ever see under the current booking regime, so take a deep breath, and be happy (not trying to start anything, but I'm lookin' at you, iMPACT! Crater guy). Here's another one for you: I found the hard sell to be reasonably adequate on most accounts.

On a random note... I have a staff profile now? When did that happen? I better lose the Blade Braxton hobo look for my pic.

Pluggery, FTW!: First and foremost, you've got your DEADFACE WALKING. Whether you like it or you don't like it, learn to love it, because Catherine Perez is the best thing going today. The rantkeepers of TWF... for RAW, WWECW on SCI-FI, TNA iMPACT!, and SMACKDOWN!... Only twice has so much damage been caused so few, and to find that source on both occasions you need to go all the way back to the Four Horsemen (of the Apocalypse).  I wonder who is who and which third and fourth guys we're using anyway... Dibs on Barry Windham! Derek Burgan is living on the end of a lightning bolt (allegedly)... and also has some reviews for us.  Check out the beginnings of TNA from two vastly different perspectives HERE, HERE, and then a boatload of various stuff from last week. And because I'm way too tired to remember or look for anymore quotes... Sean has a couple things from back in the day up. The Armageddon 2003 Retro Rant from is HERE, and for some high quality low brow satire from last year go HERE.

(Dino) Sendoff: Whew, it's all over. After getting my ass kicked a little bit, I make the tag to I assume to the awesome Neil Cathan. I'm not sure if it's him though, can't tell with the Super Calo mask. Yeah... anyway, coming before the year ends, the personal touch I've been planning for my weekly 2 hours (umm, more like 6+ hours after it's all said & done, not even counting all the hours of being easily distracted and/or procrastinating) of time wasting banter and recappage. Try not to sound too disappointed. Until the end of time, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and you've just been thrilled.


by Charley Martin

This is going to be a somewhat abridged edition tonight considering how limited the Wii's browser is. (Future Me: Then again...)

Apparently two peeps who debuted on Sunday haven't signed yet, so Tenay & West can't say their names on Cornette's order, and they've just mentioned Rellik, so that leaves... oh, duh. Okay then. Gotcha. If Iron Mike & DW can't say, then I won't say Booker T and Sharmell's names then either... Oops. But that means they sat down and signed a crazy lunatic in Rellik. Hah, punching TNA's stupid attempts at the noble art of kayfabe in the kidneys for oh, I'd say it's been about a couple months now.

Kurt is out and says Tomko and AJ are family now and are a part of his Angle Alliance (Kurt, Karen, Styles & Tomko, and maybe Borash?!?! Tomko is still the most competent member of his stable...). Nash is out and sarcastically says something to the effect of "but I thought we were family". Angle says bring it and the ever enigmatic "it" is broughten. Nash throws some forearms but gets overwhelmed almost immediately. The upper half of the X-Division (Machine Guns, Macho Jay, The Guru and Shark Boy) and Chris Harris make the save for some reason. Wait, is Chris Harris even still a good guy? With this whiny gimmick he's runnin', does that make him a crybabyface? And why did the X-Division save Kev's big ass. He did try to destroy them himself not that long ago, and the X-Division never did get any revenge because Nash walked a little too hard and injured himself or something... then again, the guys that saved him, excluding Sharky, were the ones that benefitted (allegedly in the case of The Guru) from his comedy segments. I stand corrected, and happily so.

After the break, Nash is in the back on his cell telling someone to get here. (Future Me: Here's a hint... It's Scott Hall.)

Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. LAX

Overhead belly to belly by Homicide on Rave and then he eats a slingshot shoulderblock and a big backbreaker by Hernandez. Hoyt beats on Homicide and hits a nifty move I don't know the name of and can't readily check. *misses having a computer* :( My mind was fixing a sandwich so whatever happened here I missed. Sure was some tasty brain tuna though. Big Man Dive by Hernandez onto Hoyt. Homicide goes for the finish but gets distracted by Christy and her allegedly flaming crotch. Well, not actually, she didn't actually show her womanhood (umm... you mean vagina, right? I do believe so, yes), but wouldn't that be something. I'd call it a license to print money and certain to increase buy rates, but since the TNA empty suits shy away from that kinda crazy talk... Hey TNA, it's a license to waste money not increase buy rates!... We'll see it by the end of the month, no way can they resist that kinda lure. Oh yeah, Jimmy Rave rolled Homicide up for the 1, 2, 3... and annoying little bastards... erm, brothers everywhere are overjoyed.

Winners: Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave (for I think the first time)

Wow, from winning a fantastic #1 contender's match to curtain jerking in a losing effort to a team that hasn't even won a match together before in just over a month. Guess it's back to the hamster wheel to nowhere for LAX. At least they have frequent company with Samoa Joe & Chris Harris... not to mention James Storm, Eric Young, Abyss, Rhino (though he just seems to be slowly slipping into oblivion), and the ENTIRE X-Division.

After the match LAX beats the shit out of Rave and Hemme goes in to try and beat them off. Yeah, I kinda just wanted to say that. Anyway, she gets their attention and they look at her like lions looking at fresh meat. The petite masked Latino Nation member lays her out. This is supposed to be Shelly Martinez right? If, so, then I fail to see the value of hiding your female ex-WWE blue chipper's super hotness and decent in ring skillz like this. It was kind of a big deal at the time and with the way she got fired from the House of McMahon, surely you could have an all-time great angry rant against WWE. Wait... never mind.

Team 3D has kidnapped an X-Division wrestler and have demands for his and the X-Division return. Ray demands it can't be called the X-Division anymore, that the fans can no longer chant "that was awesome!", the X-Division wrestlers must stop going online and saying how great they are under assumed names, 10... no, 12 cases of Ding-Dongs, 5 cases of the original Yoo-hoo, not the crappy new formula, and gets all dippy sentimental about it (note to Brother Ray... that was really fucking creepy dude), all of the X-Division turn over their ring rats and their mothers. Just remember folks, the next commercial break during a match happened so that this could make air. FUCK!!

Anonymous Blond lists all the shit that's gone wrong for Chistian the past week or so in chronological order. He gets snippy with her (understandable considering the length of that list) and says he gave everything he had and blames Tomko & Styles and tells them they better have a damn good excuse for helping Kurt Angle.

Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks vs. Gail Kim and "Wildcat" Chris Harris w/ ambiguous allignment

Brooks & Kim go back & forth and Roode is in and makes Ms. Brooks sit out on a chair on the floor. Gail steps on his foot and makes to tag to Harris who hit a big clothesline from the top. Roode eats some forearms but knocks Psycho Kitty to the floor and we got a commercial.

TNA Meltdown... Here remixed entrance themes of your favourite former WWE superstars and some from the mostly superior talent we found in ROH that we'll never properly push because we have no idea how to run a wrestling business any way but into the ground.

Back to Roode with the ol' Double A Spinebuster for two. Snapmare and neck snap for two more. WildC.A.T. fights back with the left arm lariat, big back body and a delayed suplex for two. DDT by Roode. Roode demands the chair and after finally taking it from Ms. Brooks, he waffles Harris for an easy pin.

Winners: Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks

After the match Roode blasts Harris a couple more times with the chair and attempts to Pillmanize (hmm... haven't seen that in awhile) Wildcat's arm, but Ms. Brooks steps between them and gives Roode the business and shoves him a couple times, then attacks Bobby's #1 fan, much to Bobby's amusement and my mild indigestion.

Cornette gives Big Bubba Morgan the business about the big lug's power trip while he was gone. Matt defends by saying he was just doing what Cornette would have done if he were there, and even booked one helluva match (He is the one who signed the Cage/Kaz #1 contender ladder match... continuity in TNA 1; total insanely stupid randomness in TNA 3,948,706... a-yup, that doth sound about right). Cornette seems much more concerned about him not seeing that the debuting pro wrestling power couple weren't signed before they made their debut. He puts Matt on probation and says they may be friends but business comes first.
"The Ticked off Texan" Lance Hoyt & "Immature Little Brother" Jimmy Rave barge in the office and Hoyt is pissed off about the masked Latino Nation member KO-ing the "Crotch of Fire" Christy Hemme with the discount slapjack, and brings up the thing about no dude on chick violence policy Spike has. Ooh, reality. Cornette tells Rave to shut up or stop being a dipshit or something, and says he'll do something about it. In those once per episode slightly surreal moments he looks into the little monitor on his desk and flips out because those wascally Dudleys are at it again. Next segment. Sweet fluidity.

Ray & Devon are out with their hostage and demand their, uh, demands. The Machine Guns and Macho Jay are out. Sabin says they could have demanded anything... money, cars, strippers or even low cholesterol, and they chose Ding-Dongs. Talky talk talk, a few "that was awesome!" chants at inappropriate times and finally 3D reveals Havok to be the X-napped party and they say there is a traitor in the X-Division. Jay & the 'Guns stop short and the rest of the X-Division attacks from behind. Jay frees Havok and the beatdown is on. Havok goes under the ring and grabs his kendo stick... and get ready for the swerve of your freakin' life, Nancy, because he attacks the X-Division. ZOMG~!111 The "X" in X-Division proves to stand for incompetent once again. Jeez, I guess that's what you get for turning an entire division face to feud with a tag team fighting to stay relevant. No, not VKM! That ship sailed long ago. I'm talking about Team 3D, you nincompoop.

Borash is with Styles & Tomko, and Styles says he's been under a lot of pressure being captain and only helped Angle to try and strengthen the Coalition. He loves Cage. Blah Blah Blah. AJ asks Tomko if Cage will understand, and Tomko chuckles, says no and walks away. Hehe. Styles asks Borash if he'll get demoted and wonders what is below captain. Borash says co-captain, and earns my scorn for being an unfunny twit.>:( Styles can live with it though.

Nash & Hall are talking as we go to commercial.

Back and here come Nash & Hall. Nash goes to talk but Scott Hall is 45... and Still Alive! (Damn I would love to see that show... how come brilliant stuff like that is never serious?). Anyway, Mr. Greasy takes the mic and says "Hey yo." A "you've still got it" chant rises up that totally cheapens the one Sting received from the crowd during the Parade of Champions from a few weeks ago, Nash says that he and Hall will be teaming up against Kurtortle and Styles & Tomko, The Angle Alliance, and we'll find out who the third member of the once & future Outsiders' team is later tonight.

Here comes Rellik. It's killer spelled backwards as DW noted earlier somewhere and I didn't write it down. That clever ginormous-headed fuck. Oh, and the K is backwards too, but I don't think my Wii can do the universal sign for struck out looking. Oh well. His music is pretty damn badass if nothing else.

Three Way Match Without Any Real Meaning- Rellik vs. Black Reign w/ all that shit he brings with him vs. Abyss
Rellik with the boot and it's double teamery time on the face. Abyss fights back and eventually deposits Reign on the floor, but Rellik with a huge spinebuster on Abyss. The bad guys have a confrontion after Rellik pushes Reign away
on the floor as we go to commercial.

Still double teaming. Another confrontation, and Abyss gets a double clothesline and a chokeslam on Rellik. Blackhole Slam on Rellik FTW. So much for that creepy guy in the box.

Winner: ... Abyss (I'm trying really hard to care...)

Attempted destruction by Reign and Rellik is prevented by fresh back from Japan Rhino, who cleans, uh, uchi?

Angle isn't afraid of Hall & Nash. Blah Blah Blah. Commercial.

Alexa Jade vs. Awesome Kong (...)

Take a guess.

Winner: Kong

Too bad really. Alexa Jade is pretty good. I hate monster-types especially when they are actually really talented, and this match illustrates why beautifully (and beastfully). A full-on 20 minute match between these two would be worth the price of admission... Gahhhh! *Pokes brain with q-tip* That'll teach the critical thinking part of my brain from interrupting my recap. AHAHAHAHA~! *drool* O.o

Gail comes out and says bring it then attacks fiercely like a crazed John Cena attacking a large Samoan but ends up eating the Better-Than-Batistabomb thanks to the dumbass referees... of which apparently they've added a couple new zebratards recently. Huh...

Contract signing time! Before we start, I should tell y'all that I am a huge Booker T mark, so I admit I'm bias. Not everybody seems down with Booker going to TNA, but as long as he's wrestling, this young, hungry & mentally unbalanced internet recapper is aces.

Now then... ON WITH THE FESTIVITIES!!!!!!! Booker and Sharmell are out to a huge pop and an awesome remix of his old Booker T music.

"Booker" chant. Booker gives thanks to all the fans. The fans reciprocate with a "Thank you, Booker" chant. Yes indeed. :) Sharmell signs her contract. Booker says before it's all over we'll be calling him Booker TNA. I am marking out so bad right now. <3  Booker's contract is now signed, and Cornette asks about Booker's goals in TNA.
Cage interrupts and says he's out to say hi to an old friend.  He says Booker is here for the same reason as everybody else, to be the champ.  Cage says he's the real #1 contender and tells Booker to get to the back of the line and take his three-worded bleep (that I forgot from the spoilers I read) with him.  Cage gets his ass kicked.  Now can you dig that, sucka?!  Yes!!!! :'D
Didn't these guys feud on Smackdown! in 2005?  Lemme check the mat card I pulled from the first WWE Heritage series... yeah, summer '05.  Anybody want to buy a Mr. Kennedy vs. Gunnar Scott mat card, btw?  It has an actual swatch of mat from June 30 whatever year it was' Smackdown!  I think 2006, but I'm too tired to care right about now.  How 'bout a D'Lo Brown mat card from TNA's inagural and perhaps only set they released... hmm, actually, I think I'd rather keep that one.  Whoa, what am I doing here wit' 'dis Don West shillin' shit?  We've still got the HUUUGE main event left.  Yeah, Kaz won't win, but still, we must send him back to the hamster wheel with the rest of the "homegrown" talent in style, yo.
Kaz gets a badass voice over. *Thumbs up*
Kaz says he'll leave everything he has in the ring.
Tale of the tape.  Angle only has three more years of experience than Kaz.  Huh... sometimes one forgets, since he's been main eventing or something close to it for approximately 8 1/2 of those 9 years.
TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match- Kurt Angle (C) vs. Kaz
Kaz works Angle's arm.  Sholderblocks to Kaz and Angle misses a corner charge and back to the arm.  Big dropkick by Kaz and back on the arm.  I just realized Angle isn't wearing kneepads.  Kick combination for two by Kaz and back to the arm.  Angle Slam-drop thing over the ropes and Kaz crashes to the floor.  Commercialize!... no.
Good thing I have nothing going on Thanksgiving night... for you, anyway.  I'll be workin' the recap for y'all, but that don't mean I'll be happy about it.  The only way I think I'll be happy is if the turkey suit is the damn Gooker.
Overhead belly to belly by Angle.  European uppercuts from our American Hero, and hard rights and Angle is all over The K-A-Z.  You thought we forgot about that one didn't you Kaz?  NO DICE!  Double clothesline and both men are down.  Kaz with forearms and then a flying one.  Springboard missle dropkick.  Near fall but an awesome rollup for two more.  German suplex for a near fall.  Kaz hits nifty but only gets two.  Karen distracts and a low blow by Angle.  Angle Slam only gets two!  Kurtkachu goes up top but gets kicked in his shiny head.  Flux Capacitor from the top by Kaz for another close fall.  Jeez Angle, kicking out of that is getting into Super Cena territory.  Soon after, Angle gets the win with some ameteur wrestling style pinnage.
Winner: and STILL TNA World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle
Helluva main event, and Kaz seems pleased with himself for the job that he did.  Kurt comes back to the ring and they talk shit.  Hall & Nash are down as Kaz makes his exit.  They beat on Angle until AJ & Tomko put the odds in their favour.  Samoa Joe is out and cleans house.  And there be Hall & Nash's partner for whatever pay-per-view is next.
Show's over.  Have a good one.  Buy me a new computer... I miss porn. :'(
Put Over: One of the best television main events you will see.  Nothing much seemed to be too horribly ass backwards tonight.  That's new.
Bury: The usual suspects burn my happy with the force of a thousand suns.  Team 3D vs. X-Division hits new low.  Rellik is wasted to protect the darkly painted husk of Dustin Rhodes.  Oh yeah, the whole angle is sucking pretty hard too.
Pluggery, FTW!: Ya got your always fantastic Deadface Walking by Catherine Perez right HERE.  Of course you have your weekly collection of ranterry.  RAW right HERE, WWECW on Sci-Fi right HERE, Smackdown right HERE, and a Retro Heat fire sale right HERE.  Also check out the Survivor Series 2006 crude humour revue right HERE.
(Dino) Sendoff: Mercifully, my recap has reached it's grand finale for this night.  I'll be back to recap the madness again next week, but until then my Yoo-Hoo swilling over the hill tag teams, I'm Sweet Daddy Charley, and as far as Team 3D knows, not Chris Sabin. ;P


by Charley Martin

No intro by me tonight. Pity.

(Future Me: Instead of chinlocks, tonight we're gonna take a shot every time a random person or event from wrestling's storied and often retardly funny past is referenced. Trust me.)

Previously on iMPACT!, some completely random shit happened.

Tonight's card is pimped. Junior Fatu is out of the Fight for the Right Tournament, so no Cage/Fatu rematch. So sorry to the two of you who wanted that to go down like a Diva Search finalist.

Can't start an episode of TNA iMPACT! without Kurt Leon S. Kennedy Angle (Pardon The Interruption reference, get used to it; the Sweet Daddy's got keep himself amused somehow). The only way he could get anymore overexposed is if he were naked... don't even think about it Russo!!! If the red man-panties from a few months ago drop, we riot!!! After a “Kurt sucks” chant, WarKurtle (MudKurt?) tells us how great he is and bitches about being in a one-on-three situation. He says Nash had been ridin' his coattails to the top until he got sick of it and flipped Big Immobile off. Kurt complains about having to team with him and starts to say something else but gets another angry chant in his honour. He says the mystery comes to an end. He says he's a genius and watches police procedurals. He says he'll figure out by the end of the night because he's basically a genius because he has two degrees and watches a bunch of police procedural shows. I says w/e. You know what this means though. 26+ minutes of ever so mildly amusing to Triple H-level unfunny segments.

Sting is oot now gives us a clue. He says his partner is a many time WORLD champion in WCW and WWE that Kurt Daryl Strawberry Angle rubbed the wrong way. Kurt says everybody who knows him loves his doofy ass. As opposed to his wife who loves his doofy in her ass... Phrase nicely turned. Hurray! I've been hearing either Booker T or Scott Hall. This sounds like Booker though. He fits all qualifications perfectly. I don't even know if Hall and Angle even crossed paths in WWE, and he's never been anything but a World Tag Team Champion. I'm gonna be pissed if it's Hall, but I'm pretty sure I'm hoping against hope here.

Out comes Nash who says he knows Kurt Ramenman Angle and thinks he's a jackass. Don West brings the funny (tolerable?) in small doses. Nash says Kurt better worry about his own partner. Angle says bring it. Nash slowly (though still quite a bit faster than Khali) comes down to the ring. Kurt bails right into a waiting Sting and gets ping-ponged between the face & tweener before escaping.

I guess the Official TNA helper monkey (Mantell?) flung his poo against the wall and it stuck on INTERROGATION for Kurt Wily Mo Pena Angle's weekly half hour of glory. It can't be worse than when the shit hit the TAUNT STING FROM CALIFORNIA AT A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME THEN ATTACK STING'S BARELY LEGAL SON IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER FOR RIDICULOUSLY CONVOLUTED REASONS. Yeah, it can't be that bad... can it? Ohhh... shit.

Fight for the Right Tournament Semifinal Match- James Storm w/ Jackie Moore vs. Kaz w/ momentum but w/o storyline

Storm misses the Pearl Harbor attempt, gets sent out, and crossbodied. Jackie distractes Kaz, allowing for a middle rope-aided DDT and an “Eye of the Storm” for two. Enzuigiri/Back Stabber signature combo for a couple. Ed Leslie High Knee for two more on Kaz. Irish Whip and a clothesline in the corner by Storm. Quick pin out of nowhere by Kaz ftw.

Winner: Kaz onto the finals!... Quick & dirty, how I'd like it... if I ever got any. Charley sad now. :'(

I think Kaz' tournament matches are combined about the length of one of Cage's, maybe not even that. This should mean he's the favourite due to making quick work of his opposition, but this pro wrestling, so everything works in reverse if at all... Note to Jerry Lawler, pro wrestling is a Bizarro World in and of itself. And you are probably responsible for most of it, King.

Post match Eric Young brings out a six pack of beer, the Canadian offering one to the reluctant Cowboy. Storm pounds it then offers one to EY, who does the same. Eric gives Storm another that he downs, then puts away another himself. They chug the last two at the same time and smile at each other, before exiting the ring. Okay then. Anyone else confused by that? I don't mind, it's just weird.

Winner: Mutual Respect!!

Wacky Kurt Kid Romeo Angle hijinks guest starring Jeremy Ron Stoppable 15-20 Years Later Borash. It's one thing for Kurt to get so much face time, but this goofy idiot sidekick I don't need following Kurt around whilst Angle enacts his dipshittery, considering Baldy Bald frequently plays the goofy idiot card himself, as you'll most assuredly see later on tonight. I swear, if Borash has a disproportionately hot love interest, I'm gonna be so pissed off. Especially if she is a redhead. Karen says she's gonna go take care of the business.

Kevin Nash interview from earlier today. Nash says there is no relationship left between him & Kurt Jacoby Ellsbury Angle. He says being in the main event is like riding a bike, which he hasn't done for a long time either. Hasn't shaved or gotten a haircut for awhile it seems too. He's waiting on two calls to find out who Sting's mystery partner is gonna be.

Team 3D is out and Ray talks shit and my give a rats fucking ass is busted! He says they were busy boinkin' The Machine Guns' mamas three hours ago. Well they are old enough to fuck Sabin & Shelley's moms without anybody having a second thought about it. Sorry, editorializing. Ray says he's taken craps bigger than the X-Division's stars. The Lamonicas ARE celabrated poopers. Ahem. He also calls the IWC a bunch of little boys too. Hmm... sounds about right. I've been called much worse by my own parents, so w/e, dude.

Finally, here come The Motor City Machine Guns. Shelley asks if anybody wants Ray to shut the hell up. YES! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY YES~! Shelley says he bets Ray hates low carb diets and exercise and knows they hate the X-Division. He says the X-Division hates Team 3D just as much as Team 3D hates them. Sabin holds out his palm of justice and vengeance and bitch and/or pimp slappery and Michigan and whatnot.

Devon talks shit. He's better on the mic than Ray no doubt, but far less comfortable methinks. He looks constipated a little bit as he speaks. Ray says get the tables, but no there's no tables under the ring. XXX and Havok and someone else or two has 3D's tables. Petey Williams, Shark Boy, & The Guru attack from behind, but 3D fights them off until the rest of the calvary come in. Simultaneous enzuigiris by the Machine Guns. Petey has the Ray's belt, but team 3D manages to duck out.

Hmm... the rantrolla just left the room to get some popcorn. Must be time for some Kurt Boris Karloff Angle BS.

Macho Jay speaks of his epic battles with The Ultimate Warriah (ummhrmm, wtf?... and take a shot) and Jake “The Snake” Roberts (drink up, beeyotch... there's a joke in this that I'm not going to make; get help for your addictions people!). Angle asks the oft-incoherent Macho Clone who Sting's partner is. Jay doesn't know and throws out Wahoo McDaniel (take a shot) before getting shoo'd away. Machismo bumps into So Cal Val on his way out. A love connection straight out of a crappy fanfiction is eminent. Whatever you do Val, stay as far away from Lex Luger as you possibly can! I beg of you. It just won't end well. Wow, that was so wrong. TWF hell for you~! (Take a shot here for at least teasing a love interest for Macho Jay, not that there are any similarities between Liz & Val besides the extreme hotness, but love is worthy of celebration, so make this a shot of your finest boxed wine)

I wonder if Jay Lethal has ever even gotten any. He's only 21 or so and has been wrestling for his entire adult life. I can't imagine he's had much free time for such things. It did kinda look like he was about to have a young Yamcha pretty girl spazz-out. Hmm... maybe I'm just hoping I'm not the only 20+ year old dude who's never made sweet sweet love to a ring rat of questionable morals. Maybe...

Christy says Jimmy Rave is getting in between her and Lance Hoyt. Umm... wtf? He not only looks like he's 12, but he fucks up your relationships like your little brother too. Jimmy calls himself and Lance the Something & Something Infection (missed it... sorry). Lance talks to her too quietly for me to hear or care what he just said and it's time for Christy to get squishty.

Christy Hemme vs. Awesome Kong (Dear god that woman is scary...)

Christy attacks and chokes and slaps Kong in the face, but gets dropped with that move Vader does to charging opponents. Body slam attempt, but Christy floats over into a sleeper and rakes the eyes. Spinning Back Fist by Kong. EWWW... Spine cruncher. Better-Than-Batista Bomb and it's all over... mercifully. I think she killed her... that was disturbing. Gahh... O.<#

Winner: Awesome(ly Scary) Kong

Anonymous blond is going to try and ask Sting who his mystery partner is. EY is down by the door of a random door with a scorpion logo on it, trying to hear what's going on inside. Apparently finds out and whispers it in her ear, but tells her not to tell anybody. If it's Scott Hall, she shouldn't be acting so giddy over the news.

Robert Roode is being interrogated. Roode tells Kurt to be an asshole to women and get ahold of his wife. O.o

Dustin Rhodes said he wouldn't be responsible for Black Reign's crappy in-ring performances violent tendencies. Abyss attacks Rhodes and smashes him into shit. Abyss smashes him with the mystery box and opens it. He picks up the key inside and inspects it, but drops it and leaves.

Chris Harris complains about Angle being over-exposed in the interrogation storage closet. I <3 Chris Harris for that. Make this man a freakin' main-eventer already!

Kurt Isao Ohta Angle interrogates Kip James and sniffs him and brings up old-“ass” storylines and something about a marriage (take two shots- one for Mr. Ass, and something effeminate for his near-gay marriage to that guy that keeps killing Kenny on Smackdown!). Kip takes offense and gets up in Kurt Insert Random Bald Villain of Your Choosing Here Angle's face. BG calms the situation down and says lets get back to the interrogation peacefully. He tells everyone to sit down and goes behind the desk and turns the light on Kurt, who's now in the interrogatee's seat and asks if it has anything to do with his father. After a few seconds Kurt breaks down and says his father never loved him or some such inanely humourous thing along those lines. Worthy of a Krankor laugh on Wrestlecrap Radio methinks.

Christian wants to know what the fuck is going on and why he doesn't get a bye in this round. Kevin is getting one of his phone calls and is pissed off after hanging up.

Ms. Brooks and that chick that really likes Robert Roode stare down.

Mixed Tag Team Match- Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks vs. Samoa Joe & TNA Knockout Champion/Love of My Life Gail Kim

Ms. Brooks and Spoiled Rich Kid argue and he throws her into the ring in front of Joe. The distraction fails and Roode eats punches and a big knee. Roode ducks out and it's Gail Kim & Ms. Brooks now. Tracy chops away but Gail's on the attack quickly until she badly misses a crossbody from the second rope. Gutwrench suplex by Brooks. After a lil nondescript O and a gutwrench suplex, Gail comes back and scores an odd Missle Dropkick that folds Brooks up. Enzuigiri by Gail. Joe gets the hot tag and lights Roode up. Rickbert stops the Musclebuster with eye pokery, but eats the powerslam that Joe transitions into the Koquina Clutch more fluidly than he'll transition the TNA World Title from Angle to Jeff Jarrett if he ever wins it. Ms. Brooks inadvertently distracts with her wanting Roode to tap out. Joe gets up in her smokin' hot grill. Gail takes over and Joe takes out Bobby with a forearm through the ropes. Rollup out of the corner by Gail for the win.

Winners: Samoa Joe and Gail Kim

Roode really lays into Ms. Brooks (verbally, this be Spike, don'tcha know), and finally Gail has had enough and tells “Bob” to knock it off and attacks Mr. Roode. Joe looks on approvingly and then the lightbulb goes off in his head and he remembers to go back and take it to Roode, making it just before he can fight back on Gail. He takes Robert into the crowd and you know what that means... It's take home a spoiled rich kid night in the iMPACT! Zone. Commercial. Almost 50 mo' minutes of the apeshit breakneck pacing still to go.

By all rights it had no business really lasting did it? (Future Me: What the hell did I write this about? It's a commercial it seems, but I don't remember what one it was...)

Joe is bleeding and throws Roode into a post. Robert's number one and only fan got up in Joe's grill providing a distraction and Roode made him eat steps. They're still fighting. Dammit I'm gonna be pissed if Joe has to put over Roode. Whoever the asstardbitch that keeps Joe out of the main event deserves to be tazed in genitals repeatedly immediately, if not sooner!

Angel Williams and Talia Madison are in the storage closet and Borash looks for some action but gets a knee to little Borash, which looked more like his stomach, but hey, this is TNA, where honey = tar and something hard in a sock = slapjack. When Borash responds “Pain” to Kurt's question, Kurt Britney Spears' little drunk Britney head that covers her exposed... exposed... Oh God I think I'm gonna be sick. I used to fantasize about that! Truer words may never have been spoken as those by Santino Marella when he said “I can't believe I used to pleasure myself to her.” Millions of now 20-something guys understood that quote way too well... Angle asks “Powers of Pain” (take a shot!)? Whoever wrote this episode likes droppin' old school references.

Fight for the Right Tournament Semifinal Match- Christian Cage w/ ladder & Instant Classic-ness vs. Mystery Opponent *drumroll*... “Wildcat Chris Harris w/ handcuffs

Harris runs down and dives right into an attack. D'oh! Back elbow by Cage, but The WildC.A.T. hits a lariat from the left side, a back body drop, and delayed vertical suplex for two. Hard chops knock Harris down, and Cage lands fists from the sky in the corner, but he gets dropped on the ropes weakly and takes a full nelson slam from Harris. Christian blocks a suplex on the apron and scores what I'm gonna call a Seesaw Kick. Seeya in four or more.

Back from mind-poisoning commercials and Cage misses his always sketchy Frog Splash. Spinebuster by The Rabid Kitty for two. Back elbow from the second rope by Cage. Corkscrew uppercut my ass West. Cage attacks with hard shots. Fist fights and Harris gets that badass Flying Lariat and a facebustery bulldog. Inverted DDT by Cage off a missed corner charge for two. Harris with a sort of spear for a way longer two than it deserved. Harris reverses the Unprettier into one of his own for a near fall. Heh, nice. I approve. Catatonic reversed by Cage; Unprettier reversed into a roll-up by Harris. Cage rolls through and grabs Harris' trunks and the ropes for to claim the fall.

Winner: Christian Cage

Harris complains to the ref that Christian cheated and tries to get help from the fans that is actually looking like it might be working, because Rudy appears to be wavering. However Cage blasts him with the ladder before it can get any further. He then hits a sketchy frog splash from near the top of it because that's how he rolls.

Anonymous Blond asks Kevin Nash what happened earlier and a perturbed Big Immobile goes to talk to Kurt Pyramid Head Angle.

EY is tied up and keeps getting hit with a massively thick phone book (like 3 Final Fantasy Strategy Guides thick) by Angle because he won't tell. Ooh, and a Shockmaster reference (take a shot, and if your drunk enough, try to crash through a wall while wearing a sparkly Stormtrooper helmet).

Black Reign invites Abyss to the something-Shop of Horrors and says he should've taken the key.

“Tag Lines”, allegedly fun facts on the tag teams for our main event match, because knowing is half the battle, wing-wangs. Yes, your main event tonight is a TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH! In yo face, WWE. This is what a tag team division is supposed to look like. Alive!

Main Event World Tag Team Championship Match- AJ Styles & Tomko (C) vs. LAX

Hernandez overpowers Styles a bunch and then Tomko comes in. Fistfight and Tomko wins but gets knocked to the floor with... an actually pretty weak elbow. Styles gets caught by Hernandez. Tag to Homicide, and Styles gets tossed to the floor. Tope Con Hilo and Homicide rubs the belts and high fives West. Hehe, I wonder if they hang out when they're not working. Id love to see that. Somebody photoshop this please, and make sure West is wearing the pink bandana. :)

Big back body drop and another by Homicide who goes for the pin but the ref is trying to break up Tomko & Hernandez on the outside. Neckbreaker to what once was Phenomenal by Homicide. Gringo killer attempt but a lowblow by AJ. Big slam for two by Tomko. Feint (or just mistimed) dropkick and instead a leaping forearm like his usual springboard one by Styles. Dropkick this time for two. Styles with an elbow to the back of Ricky Homicide's head. Homicide catches a Styles forearm and hits a picture perfect cutter. Hernandez with the slingshot shoulderbock to Styles and a Standing Thrust (Ron Simmons) Spinebuster for Mr. Tomko. AJ bites the Jackasstistabomb. Suplex by Homicide into a backbreaker. PELE~!!!!!!!!!!!! Out goes Homicide. AJ hits a perfect and absolutely sick in the awesome way Springboard 450 Splash on Hernanedez for the clean win.

Winner: AJ Styles & Tomko

Styles & Tomko with the Tornado Suplex (I think that's what the our esteemed nimrod commentators called it) on Hernandez (I think). The mystery, and quite possibly female (after getting a look tonight), sock with something hard in it-bearing Latino Nation member gives it Homicide again. He takes a wild swing and it stretches several feet and hits Tomko's boot as he goes for a big kick. AJ & Tomko escape and the Steiner Bros. Attack from behind.

To the back where Kurt Lt. Reg Barclay accuses his wife of cheating on him... because he TOTALLY didn't ask her to last fucking week! You shouldn't have so many references to the past in a show if you can't remember what the fuck happened last fucking week! Anyway, Mr. Anglepants starts to get up to go find Nash, but the big lug barges in like Christian Cage to Cornette's office and sings “The Gambler” before telling The Angles that Sting's partner is Mike Haggar, err Scott Hall... BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

Recap to loud music and we're in the clear. *Passes out*

Put Over: AJ Styles & Tomko vs. LAX was one of the better matches you're likely to see all year (even though it maybe should've been a pay-per-view match); Gail Kim & Samoa Joe vs Ms. Brooks & Robert Roode was very good; Ms. Brooks herself actually looked good in there tonight; Kurt Stewie Griffin Angle was actually kinda funny... guess it had to happen sooner or later

Bury: TEAM 3D's FEUD WITH THE X_DIVISION!!!... Specifically tonight the 10-on-2 beatdown and Team 3D escaping said 10 men before they could go through the table; The show itself was overall too fast paced and random; The fact that LAX won a #1 Contendership match on a pay-per-view and got their shot on not nearly free enough for my liking TV... and Christy Hemme, because I think she might be dead legit.

“I Just Ripped Off” Remember When (Wahoo McDaniel Wrestled)?: Are you old enough to remember any of the references they dropped besides Kip James' former life as Billy Gunn and his being ½ of an ambiguously gay tag team? SPEAKING of ambiguously gay tag teams... The mid '80s Can-Am Connection of Rick Martel & Tom Zenk, which you might not even remember if you are old enough to remember that time, weren't actually gay that I know of, but I saw this promo for their debut awhile back during an episode of Primetime on WWE 24/7 that was, presumably unintentionally, one of the most homoerotic things ever in wrestling history. And actual wrestling consists two or more oiled up people of the same sex rolling around with each other, so that's saying something! They entered an empty locker room and compared the great things about their home countries (Martel- Canada, Zenk- USA) as they were stripping down to their speedos and then lifting weights. If I remember right there was creepily romantic music too. Comedy freakin' GOLD~! Not that there's anything wrong with that!

The Weirdest Moment of the Night (Brought to you by uh, TNA, because it's fucking TNA!): The random theme for tonight was make lots of random references to wrestlers and events of yore, and completely forget stuff that happened last week.

Thoughts, Random: Did I write some of tonights show without realizing it? I do have a tendency to reference history like that. Chris Harris expresses the thoughts of IWC~! And Bubba Ray derides the IWC by calling it's members what the majority of them actually are! Who was that masked shrimpy unknown Latino Nation member that gave the sock with something hard in it (hehe) to Homicide? I wasn't sure last week, I thought it could've been all 150 lbs of Hector Guerrero, but this week... I think it's a chick under that mask. Why did Kurt Bai Gawd Angle has daddy issues. Jeremy Borash is no mac(k) daddy. Macho Jay is out of his freakin' mind (and quite possibly in the actual Macho Man's), but he still knows hot tail when he sees it. OHHH YEAHHHH~!!!! Umm... So when Cornette is away, Big Bubba Morgan has the power to make pay-per-view matches?

Pluggery, FTW!: Holy Shit there is a lot of stuff to plug this week... I'm already late, better go abridged... O.O; Do Some Time With New Jack right HERE. Here ish DONE. And when you've finished that, go to THE VAULT, but don't get locked IN, because there's a RECAPITATION of CYBER SUNDAY, WWECW ON SCI-FI, and a RAW RANTCAP too. No DEADFACE WALKING though. You must've really pissed Catherine off this time.

(Dino) Sendoff: It proved to be a really long night for me, so I hope this isn't too terribly done. Thanks for playing cooch hunters, this has been Sweet Daddy Charley, and dude, you've just been thrilled.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).