The Sixth Child presents…
A look at the world of wrestling through the eyes of a film buff.
V11(ahhhhh) – "Dazed and
Confused" Like a drunken uncle who only calls
when he wants money, welcome to the latest edition of
DONE! That’s right, it’s been about
five weeks since my last update, and many thanks to
those who crammed my inbox with countless emails. Sure,
they’re all ads for Viagra and links to the latest
celebrity sex tapes, but that’s as close as I get to
contact with the outside world these days, so I’ll take
those as supportive memos
nevertheless. Seriously though, the delay was
mostly due to work (as in the place that actually
pays me
*cough*Carlessisacheapbastard*cough*) kicking my ass
over the past few weeks. But it has given me the
opportunity to come up with more ideas for your
favourite TWF column. But after Catherine rejected my
ideas for “Deadface Walking”, I was left with little
time to write my column,
which I naturally squandered watching the latest Steven
Segal box set
back-to-back. So here’s what I got. I’ve always been curious about
what wrestlers did before they became famous. Scotty 2
Hotty once worked as a banker. Big Show was a car
salesman. Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake was a train
conductor… oh wait, that was after he was
famous. Ah fuckit, you get the
idea. Anyway, I decided to go back
even further by pondering what WWE superstars were like
back in high-school. That left me open to a plethora of
brilliant titles: The Breakfast Club, Fast
Times at Ridgemont High, American Graffiti,
Principal Dildo and
the
Ditsy
Chicks… (phone
rings) Hello…? (pause) What do you mean
that last one was no good? (pause) It’s set in a
high-school isn’t it? (pause) I don’t care… what’s that?
(pause) Yeah. (pause) You’ve seen it haven’t you?
(pause) So you know it’s a great film. (pause) Yeah, the
scene with the typewriter… (pause) I know. (pause) Yeah,
yeah, I know. So I can leave it in? (pause) Perfect.
Thanks Ma. (hangs
up) Anyway, I’ve decided to go with
is Dazed and
Confused
(insert RVD joke
here). This absolute gem from 1993 (and is still Richard
Linklater’s best film) surrounds the last day of high
school in a small Texan town in 1976. We’re treated to a
bunch of stories, but two main characters emerge.
There’s Randall “Pink” Floyd, the school’s star
quarterback who’s having a crisis of conscience, and
incoming freshman Mitch Kramer who goes from hapless to
hero in one night. It’s 1:05pm on May 28, 1976 –
the last day of classes at
BATISTA: Szatkowski
san! RVD: (slurred) Hey man. What time is
the party
tonight? BATISTA:
9:30. RVD: (giggling uncontrollably)
Alright, I’ll be there man. But I got a close bind this
afternoon on some business, if you know what I’m talking
about. BATISTA:
Weed? RVD: Naw man, a teacher’s making me
take this stupid dance class. He says I have “educated
feet”, whatever that means. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve
ever heard. BATISTA: OK, see
ya. RVD: (walking away) Oh man, I am so
fucking wasted. A little while later Batista is
in class until fellow jock Paul Levesque (HHH) comes
along to drop something off to
him. HHH: (handing a paper to Batista)
Coach gave me something to give to
you. BATISTA: (reading the paper)
(annoyed) They’re really going through with this
“wellness policy”? HHH: Yeah, he wants your signature
by the end of the
day. BATISTA: And everybody’s signing
it? HHH: Just to get him off our backs.
Coach is just being a big fucking asshole. You just sign
it and you never think about it again, just let it
go. BATISTA: (seething) Man, he is
giving me fewer options than Cyber
Sunday. HHH: You’re gonna make a big deal
out of this, aren’t you? Just like when he wanted us to
play basketball as a warm-up back in
March? BATISTA: (intensely) He just
doesn’t understand, Paul! Basketballs don’t hold
grudges! Basketballs don’t want to knock your
teeth down your throat! (yelling) AND HE ISN’T GOING TO
ASK A BASKETBALL TO SIGN SOME STUPID CONTRACT!
Batista hurls the paper with all his
might to the ground, but it floats in mid air for a few
seconds before landing neatly at his feet. As his rage
subsides he looks up to see his classmates staring at
him, puzzled rather than
intimidated. NITRO: Man, that guy can’t cut a
promo to save himself. Obviously distressed by the
news he’s just received, Batista approaches some of his
book-smart classmates – Lance Evers (Lance Storm), Chris
Nowinski and Nora Greenwald (Molly Holly) – for
advice. LANCE: Alright, this is totally
amazing. (reading from the paper) “The wellness policy
states that teammates cannot indulge in any alcohol or
drugs or engage in any other illegal activity that may
jeopardise the years of hard work they committed to a
championship season in
’76.” CHRIS: You guys are actually signing
this crap? BATISTA:
Apparently. MOLLY: What’s next? Contracts
for what you wear in
public? (long uncomfortable
pause) LANCE: I had no idea drugs and
alcohol were such a big problem that they had to resort
to
Neo-McCarthyism. BATISTA: Yeah, next thing we know
they’ll issue another Waldorf Statement saying they
won’t knowingly take on players that advocate the
overthrow of sport department
policy. (ALL stare at
BATISTA) BATISTA: (nervously) …uh, I mean, MY
BITCH OF AN EX-WIFE NEVER VACCUMED AROUND HER I.V DRIP! A while later HHH and another
jock, Michael Hickenbottom (Shawn Michaels), collect
Batista to take part in an annual summer tradition.
Every year the seniors wait outside the junior high
school on the last day of class for the incoming
freshmen to leave. It is here they are given two options
– either be subjected to a humiliating hazing ritual
where the seniors spank them unmercifully with paddles,
or attend a talk by Bruno Sammartino about how wrestling
will always remain family friendly.
Most pick the
former. The trio pull up outside the junior
high school in Michaels’ pick-up, which is equipped with
a PA system to alert the students of their
arrival. MICHAELS: (into the PA system) OK
all you freshman fucks, listen up! It’s your lucky day.
Usually you’d be spending your freshman summer getting
your asses busted and running for your worthless little
lives. But this year, because we feel so sorry for you,
we’re gonna take it easy and save a lot of time. If you
meet here after school today, you only get one lick from
each of us. But if you run like cowards, well, it’s open
season all summer long. (HHH taps MICHAELS on the shoulder
and whispers something in his ear) MICHAELS: (into the PA system)
Oh yeah, and if you don’t sell any of our licks, you can
rest assured we will blackball your asses into
Wrestlemania 5000! Oscar Gutierrez, we’re looking for
you pal. You think you can
upstage us with your colourful clothes and impressive
acrobatics? Your ass will be purple before the day is
over. Have a nice
afternoon. Oscar Gutierrez (Rey Mysterio) was
part of a gang the seniors referred to as “the
Cruiserweights”, a group of incoming freshmen who were
just as athletic as the seniors, but are always picked
on because of their small stature. Their high-flying
agility and quickness has managed to get them out of a
lot of trouble in the past, but the seniors insist they
are “not marketable” and they still have a long way to
go before they “pay their
dues”. In one of the classrooms,
Mysterio sits nervously at his desk where his two
friends James Yun (Jimmy Wang Yang) and Paul London
start to poke fun at
him. LONDON: You better leave town, man.
Go spend the summer with your grandparents or
something. YANG: You are gonna show up to our game
tonight, aren’t
you? REY: Yeah, I’m pitching, I kinda
have to. LONDON: How should we inscribe your
tombstone? YANG: How about “Booyakah! Booyakah!
Six feet
under”? Michaels, HHH and Batista
arrive back at school to finish the rest of their
classes. As they walk back towards the building they see
their coach: Coach... Coachman.
While they try to pass without him
noticing them, Coach yells out to Batista from a few
feet away. COACH: Dave
Batista! BATISTA: (mumbling) Shit. (turns
around) COACH: Before next fall, you are in
serious need of an attitude adjustment, young man. You
better get your priorities straight. And watch out with
that other crowd you’re running with, don’t think I
haven’t noticed. BATISTA: I don’t run with anybody.
(screeching) I WALK ALOOOOOOOOOONE,
YEAAAAH! COACH: Sure you do. I want that
piece of paper on my desk before you leave here today.
Do you hear me, or do I have to get my ACME detonator?
As they walk away they’re
interrupted once again, this time by the sound of a car
screeching towards them. The driver is John Layfield, an
obnoxious, racist, loudmouth jock who has repeated his
last years of high school more than once. Last year he
handed in a paper called “Make More Money Now”, which
introduced a fiscal policy that would make the guys at
Enron plotz. Oh wait, that didn’t happen in 1976… neither
did a bunch of other stuff I’ve mentioned so far. Ah
fuckit, if Pearl
Harbor can do it, so can I.
Anyway, the only thing Layfield
loves more than the sound of his own voice is to pound
ass with his paddle… and sometimes without it, but
that’s not gay in any way whatsoever.
LAYFIELD: (getting out of the car)
You guys ready to bust some ass? Call yo mamma! It's on
like a pot o' neck bone. I smell like smoke because I
have been through fire! I am a true American hero! A
WRESTLING GOD! Oh yeah, Michaels, we gotta take your
truck, I’m low on
gas. MICHAEL: (laughs) If only there
was someone who could pay you to be an asshole, you’d be
on easy
street. Meanwhile back at the junior high
school, the Cruiserweights are talking about the party
being organised for later that
night. LONDON: Hey, at the party
tonight, I heard there’s gonna be a girl with knockers
this
big! YANG:
Bullshit. LONDON: I swear! Two handfuls! They
say her name is Big
Vis. The guys then notice their
friend, James Maritato (Nunzio) signalling to them from
the doorway. He dangles a set of keys to let them know
he managed to borrow his brother’s car, and they had a
way out of school without getting paddled. But they had
to convince their teacher to let them out
early. REY: Uhhh, Mr Striker, sir. You know, every second that you
could let us out early would really increase our chances of
survival. STRIKER: (smiles) Boys, if there’s one thing that you have
to remember, it’s that you must do things on your own. I mean, if I was to send
you out there with a massively obese wrestler for example, it would be like
putting a band-aid on the problem rather than addressing the real issue,
wouldn’t it? LONDON: Yeah, I guess it would be pretty stupid, especially
if it kept going after it didn’t really catch
on. STRIKER: Exactly. Now run
along. The home bell finally sounds and both the junior and senior
high schools are dismissed for the summer. As promised, the seniors surround the
junior campus waiting to give several paddlings. The Cruiserweights make it to
their waiting car unscathed, but Michaels’ pick-up truck pulls up right beside
them with Michaels, JBL and HHH all inside. The Cruiserweights floor it and the
seniors give chase. Both cars race down the side-streets avoiding slightly less
accidents than Psicosis. London and Rey decide to make a
run for it. But as soon as they jump out of their car, JBL is hot on their tail
and catches them outside a suburban home. JBL: (grabbing REY and LONDON)
Nice try, Cruiserweights. Y’know, this feels a bit weird, not being in a
shower-block and all. So I’ll tell you what. For being such brave little kids
I’m only gonna give each of you five licks. Suddenly the front door of the house flies open to reveal
Rob Feinstein brandishing a shotgun. FEINSTEIN: (to JBL) I don’t
think so, creep. Get off my property. (to REY and LONDON) (licking his lips) You
two, get in the house. (long uncomfortable
pause) REY: Uhhh, actually, I think I’ll go with the
paddling. LONDON: Ditto. JBL: Jesus! I thought I was
fucked up! (ALL run off) FEINSTEIN: (under his breath) Git your fat asses back
here! While the freshmen boys were getting chased and paddled,
their female counterparts were copping equally humiliating treatment. The senior
girls, who everyone dubbed “the Divas” (which was once a term for women of rare,
outstanding talent rather than strip-club rejects) were putting the freshmen
girls through their paces by smothering them in ketchup, mustard, oatmeal,
flour, eggs and whipped cream. It was known as “the Diva Search”, which
culminates with the juniors trying to seduce an exchange student from
Uganda. The male seniors sit and watch
as the “Divas” put the juniors on leashes and lead them around the playground.
“Diva” Torrie Wilson then leads one of the juniors, Ashley Masaro, over to HHH
and RVD. TORRIE: (to ASHLEY) Propose to Mr
Levesque. (ASHLEY gets on her
knees) RVD: There’s a position you’re
gonna have to get used to. ASHLEY: (sheepishly) Will you marry
me? HHH: (coyly) I don’t know, what’s in it for
me? ASHLEY: Anything you
want. HHH: OK, you’re gonna have to gain at least another 100
pounds, turn your shrill voice into a baritone and give me 50 per cent of your
empire when your father croaks. RVD: (laughing) Yeah, and a main-event spot for me!
HHH then lands a pedigree on RVD and pins him
clean. A few hours later the seniors gather at the local park
where the incoming freshmen are playing little league baseball. HHH, Michaels
and JBL wait in the stands with their paddles, paying particular attention to
Mysterio. As the game wraps up Rey tries to sneak out the back of the field, but
is intercepted by the seniors. They bend Mysterio over the side
of a car and start taking turns hitting him. Michaels was first, swatting
Mysterio’s rear end like his “lost smile” was in there somewhere trying to
escape. Next was HHH, who as usual opted to use his trusty sledgehammer instead
of a paddle. Finally was JBL who, at the site of Mysterio presenting his ass to
him, had to work out a certain technique where he could strike him without
getting in the way of his own massive erection. JR: My God King! WILL SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH! ENOUGH’S ENOUGH! THOSE
DAMN SENIORS ARE ENJOYING, LOOK, THEY’RE ENJOYING
THIS HUMILIATING THREE-ON-ONE BEATING. THAT POOR,
DEFENCELESS… KING: Yeah yeah yeah, listen, can we go and see those girls
in the oatmeal again? As Batista arrives, the seniors finish their “government
mule” session with Rey. As Michaels, HHH and JBL leave they tell Batista to meet
them at the local pool hall before the party.
As Batista watched Mysterio riving in pain he couldn’t help
but feel sorry for him, so he drives him
home. (BATISTA pulls up to the
curb) REY: Thanks, man. BATISTA: Hey listen, me and some of the other guys are
probably gonna end up driving around. Want us to stop by and pick you
up? REY: You think that’s a good
idea? BATISTA: Well, unless you want to ride with Feinstein down
the str… REY: OK I’ll go. Meanwhile at the other side of town, Yang, London and
Nunzio walk through the darkened streets on their way back from their school
social, bragging about their triumphant transition from juniors to
freshmen. NUNZIO: Man, that was our last junior high
party. LONDON: That’s right, we’re in the big time now. We’re
freshmen, and we’re finally gonna get the respect we deserve. Our days of
jerking the curtain while the seniors have all the fun are
over. As if on cue, the seniors pull up in their car and race
after the Cruiserweights. Michaels, HHH and JBL chase down Nunzio and start
paddling the living piss out of him as Yang and London watch from a distance.
Evidently, nothing has changed. But it will someday… someday. After finishing up with Nunzio,
the senior trio head for the Emporium pool hall where they meet up with Batista
and Rey, along with their old friend Ric Flair. Although he had graduated from
high school several years before, Flair was still very much a regular with the
seniors. This can best be described as a desperate attempt to hang on to his
former glory days as the youthful “Nature Boy”, but the only thing he managed to
maintain was his lisp. HHH: Neich! I haven’t seen you for so long
man! FLAIR: Hey there, champ! Wooooo! Long time no
thee. HHH: What you been up
to? FLAIR: The thame old, man. Working for the thity. Been
thinking about going back to thchool though. That’th where all the girlth are
at, right? Woooo! BATISTA: That’s
right. FLAIR: But I may jutht keep working, keep a little change
in my pocket rather that lithen to some dipshit who dothen’t know what he’th
talking about anyway. Wooo! (to REY) You’re a freshman,
right? REY: Yeah? FLAIR: Tho how’th thith year’th crop of freshman chickth
lookin’? (laughs) Woooo! REY: (puzzled) (to BATISTA) What did he
say? FLAIR: (turning on his nutty Ric
Flair demeanour) Man, that’th what I love about theth high-thchool girlth. They jutht love… WOOOO… to ride Thpace Mountain babay! It
may be the oldetht ride in the park, WOOOO… but it thtill hath the longetht
line! After several minutes of every person within a mile radius
wooing along with Flair (who for some reason ends up rolling on the ground
convulsing), the seniors send Rey for a beer run. After buying a six pack he
sees the rest of the Cruiserweights. REY: Man, you guys owe me
one. LONDON: (laughs) Yeah, they busted the hell out of Maritato
too. YANG: You’re over at the
Emporium? REY: Yeah. NUNZIO: Is that cazzo Layfield over
there? REY: (rolls his eyes) Yes. I hate that jerk.
NUNZIO: That ignorant fuck called me a Maltese falcon. I’m
fucking Italian! YANG: So? I’m Korean and he thought I was
Japanese! LONDON: Well I’m Hispanic and he’s never given shit to
me. ALL: You’re Hispanic?
It was with that valuable bit of information that the
Cruiserweights come up with a plan to finally get some payback from JBL. It
would start with Rey having to approach him back at the
Emporium. REY: Hey Layfield. JBL: What do you want, jumping
bean? REY: (laughs) Jumping bean, that’s hilarious! Really
original too. (wipes tear from his eye) Hey listen, you know who else is
Hispanic? That guy you almost paddled today, Paul
London. JBL: (eyes widening) He’s
Hispanic? REY: Yeah, and some of the other seniors managed to catch
him outside. JBL immediately runs to his car to get his paddle and sees
a few other seniors across the street with London
cornered. JBL: (to the other seniors) Whoa! Hold on there boys! You
don’t mind if I go first, do ya? It’s kind of a personal thing between me and
this little border-jumper over here. LONDON: I was born in
Texas. JBL: Shut your mouth! Say, have you had any licks
yet? LONDON: No. JBL: (trying to maintain his erection) Another cherry here
boys! JBL pushes London to face the
side of a building, setting him up for the paddling of a lifetime. But JBL
suddenly feels a splash on his shoulder. He looks up to see the remaining
Cruiserweights on the building’s rooftop holding a can of white paint. As London
makes a run for it, they dump the paint all over JBL. CRUISERWEIGHTS: It’s alright, cuz it’s all
white! YANG: You racist
fuck! The Cruiserweights immediately run off to their waiting
car, leaving JBL looking like the set of a bad Gangrel porno. Across the street
everyone laughs, especially HHH and
Michaels. MICHAELS: Man, that was
awesome! HHH: Yeah, if only it was green paint and JBL was a group
of young up-and-comers we could make fools out of! That would have been
hilarious! Defeated, embarrassed and blind
with rage, JBL leaves. But he vows to not rest until he gets the last laugh over
Mysterio… even if it retires him. The rest of the seniors decide it’s finally time to head
out to the woods for that party everyone’s been talking about. Hours later the
forest is crawling with drunken and stoned teens, including RVD and his
pot-smoking cronies. RVD: (puffing away on a joint) I’m telling you, Vincent
Kennedy McMahon tokes weed, man. He grows fields of that stuff. I mean Saba
Simba, Red Rooster, the Buddy Rose Blowaway Diet? How can he think that shit
would actually get over? He smoked weed, that’s why. His wife harvests all the
bushels and… STONER #1: Uhhh, you know, it is 1976. I don’t think any of those storylines you
mentioned have happened yet. (long uncomfortable
pause) RVD: (freaking out) Oh my God!
WE CAN SEE THE
FUTURE! Meanwhile, Michaels takes Batista aside to talk to him,
fearing he may be starting to wane from the pack ever since the whole “wellness
policy” controversy. MICHAELS: Why don’t you wanna sign the
pledge? BATISTA: I don’t know, man. Maybe I’m not into any of it
anymore. MICHAELS: Not into any of it? Don’t make the biggest
mistake of your life, man. No-one quits senior year. This is what we’ve been
working for our whole lives. BATISTA: All I’m saying is if I’m gonna play it’s gonna be
on my terms, not theirs. MICHAELS: You don’t understand,
Dave. Being part of a team, a special group, a clique, the world is at your feet. You don’t have to
take any crap from anybody. (pause) MICHAELS: (rubbing his mouth) (mumbling) Just don’t upstage
me. BATISTA: Huh? MICHAELS: Nothing, man, nothing. (rubbing his mouth)
(mumbling) Don’t steal my thunder,
motherfucker. BATISTA: What? MICHAELS: I didn’t say anything. (rubbing his mouth)
(mumbling) Stay off my perch, you
prick. BATISTA: Man, fuck this.
As the party winds up, Batista, HHH, RVD and Flair decide
to head for the high school football field to smoke weed. As they lay on the 50
yard line baked out of their brains, Flair goes back to the car to get some more
papers. But he returns with an interesting find.
FLAIR: (reading from the pledge) “The wellness policy
states that teammates cannot indulge in any alcohol or drugs or engage in any
other illegal activity…” (laughs) I found that in the glove
compartment. BATISTA: (taking the sheet) Y’know you’re the third person
to give this to me today FLAIR: Tho what are you gonna
do? BATISTA: I don’t know man, I’ll probably end up signing it.
I just don’t want to give in so easily. FLAIR: Man, ith the thame bullshit they tried to pull in my
day. If it’th not that paper, therth thome other choith they’re gonna try and
make for you. You gotta do what David Batithta… WOOOOO… wanth to do. The older
you get, the more ruleth they’re gonna try to make you follow. You jutht gotta
keep livin’, man. RVD: If you’re gonna sign that paper, throw some grass in
the middle, roll it up, sign the joint, man, that’ll tell ‘em. That’s how I sign
my contracts. HHH: But you gotta think, man, we’ve had a lot of really
good times here. BATISTA: All I’m saying is that if I ever start referring
to these as the best years of my life, remind me to kill myself.
HHH: Well, all I’m saying is I
just wanna look back and say that I did it the best I could while I was stuck in
this place. I had as much fun as I could when I was stuck in this place. Buried
as many midcarders as I could while I was stuck in this place. (rubbing his
mouth) (mumbling) Just don’t upstage
me. BATISTA: What? Their conversation is suddenly interrupted by a squad car
pulling up nearby. The officers order the group to come over and line up. Having
been in this situation countless times, RVD automatically counsels everyone on
their rights as they approach the waiting
policemen. The police call Coach to come to the field and talk to
Batista and HHH. It’s dawn by the time he arrives.
COACH: Levesque! Batista! Get your scrawny butts over
here! HHH: Mornin’
Coach. COACH: What the hell is going on? Why am I getting wakeup
calls from the cops? BATISTA: False alarm, Coach, they just
left. COACH: Batista, have you been hanging out with those losers
all night? RVD: (waving) Hey, Coach!
Remember me? COACH: Yeah, the stoner who keeps pointing at himself. (to
BATISTA) That’s the kind of people I was telling you about. Trouble like this
means nothing to that bunch of clowns, you’re the
one with something to lose. BATISTA: Coach, you don’t even know
them. COACH: I don’t need to know
them. I’m Johnathan Coachman, and if there is anyone
who has a flawless record at picking good character, it’s me. Now I want you to
get your priorities straight, stop hanging out with a bunch of hoodlums, and
sign your wellness policy agreement. Have you done that
yet? BATISTA: I’m still thinking about
it. COACH: (seething) No-one’s paying you to think about it!
Just do it, son! BATISTA: (calmly) You know what,
Coach? I might play ball… but I will never sign that. Batista throws the contract into Coach’s truck and walks
away. An outraged Coach then drives off as RVD and Flair congratulate Batista on
his decision. HHH acts solemnly in front of Batista, but inside he’s doing
cartwheels at how he now has less of a chance of being
upstaged. Batista ended up being dropped from the team because of his
act of defiance. But while a lot of people respected him for taking a stand,
they later found out his decision to do so was a lot less inspiring than first
thought. While people thought he was maintaining his youthful optimism and
freedom, rumour has it that Dave had been pumping himself with growth hormones
to build on his skinny physique, and if he signed the contract it would have
given them cause to test him. After these allegations appeared
in a magazine, Batista tried to prove his innocence by going to court… because
clearly that means he has nothing to hide. THE END Credits.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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