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February 06, 2006
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It’s the Impaaaaaaaaaaaaact recap!! Hello again,
folks! It’s Remy here, excited to bring you another TNeh Report. There’s lots of great stuff to talk about tonight,
so I consider myself lucky that I get to be the first to make smart ass jokes about it all! Well, okay, other sites probably
have recaps up a lot sooner than me. But I get to make the funniest jokes … first. Well, lets get right to it. No foreplay for you this time!
Impact begins now, and we are treated right off the bat
to Samoa Joe! Basically Joe is upset that he is being excluded from the X-division, and wants to know who his opponent is
going to be at the upcoming PPV at the end of April. Well, we’re going to get an answer as Tenay leads us into a video
package. Don’t you just wish that all of life’s questions could be answered with a montage? “Who’s my real father?” “When will I find true love?” “What the hell is that rash … ?” The possibilities are endless. And a video package would
make it all so exciting, especially if delivered while you had to stand in a ring while a crowd watches. Anyway, Samoa Joe’s opponent is … motherfucking
SABU! Hard to crack a joke here, that’s just awesome. Ha, did I just say “crack,” while referring to Sabu?
Well, let’s hope it’s not his neck next this time. This joke also works with Scott Hall and Rikishi if you change
it up a bit, great stuff. In the back we have Team 3-D ready to cut a promo. They
basically just hype the upcoming SIX SIDES OF STEEL OMG match that’s later on in the show. Now, I don’t quite
understand what makes a six sided steel cage so much more extreme than a four sided steel cage, but Jesus, they’d sure
like you to believe that’s the case. Sonjay Dutt, Chris Sabin & Jay Lethal vs. The Diamonds in the Rough (Simon
Diamond, Elix Skipper & David Young): What’s this? A nice long match on Impact? No, you
didn’t misread that, it’s true. Sorta. I mean, if you consider the first minute and the last minute a long match,
with everything in the middle being commercials. I wish that were an exaggeration, but I’ve seen more of a match on
one of WWE’s clip shows like Bottom Line. At the very beginning there was a sweet triple suicide dive to the outside,
by all three members of Team We’re backstage again as Scott D’Amore is
pissed off and raving about the unfairness of Team STING! STING! STIIIIIING! No, my mistake, it’s …
Steve Borden? That’s right, they made a huge deal about it being Steve Borden, the man, who was coming after Jarrett.
At the time we were supposed to believe that had some, pardon the pun, impact. But at the end of this interview Borden has
an ominous warning for Jarrett. “Watch out Jarrett! I’m coming for you. But it won’t be Steve Borden this
time … it’s will be STING!” No I’m not kidding. That’s really what he said. Oh TNA, you’re
so … cute? The Naturals vs … Steiner and Jarrett?: This wasn’t really a match, more or less just a
beat down. Steiner and Jarrett weren’t their scheduled opponents (we were never told who they were), but they’re
the one’s taking care of “bidness.” Anyway, they make Steiner look like a monster. I guess that’s
the point. Konnan’s in the back with Homicide, and we’re
going to get a reason for why they turned on Machete last week. Well, in Konnan’s own words “I do what I do because
that’s what I do!” Deep stuff there, no doubt. Team 3D vs. Team Could it be? Is it time already? Yes folks, it’s
the main-e-freakin’-vent. I will say that for the most part, it was not over-hyped. It was a brutal match that saw lots
of blood. Unfortunately, as much blood as there was, there were many, many more commercials. So of the two real matches on
the show tonight, both were completely decimated by advertisements. I can’t make too many comments on the match because,
frankly, there wasn’t a lot of it to see. There was a lot of blood, but I think even that happened during a commercial.
Anyway, Team 3-D hits the 3-D on Eric Young for the win. After the match we’re treated to a complete clusterfuck
as AMW comes down to the ring and the And we’ve got a vignette to close out the show.
We’re here with James Mitchell and he’s filming Christian’s wife. I’m guessing this will lead to Christian
showing up at the next PPV not as Christian, but as …Christian! Fuck, that would have worked so much better if he didn’t
use his real name. Honestly, the whole thing is a bit silly considering how they just did this with Sting. Anyway, Mitchell
confronts Christian’s wife and basically makes it clear they’re just playing mind games. Seemed very odd to close the show out this way after such
a bloody match. Now I know many of you are big fans of TNA, and as an
alternative to WWE of course you want to support it. I get that. But this weeks Impact had some serious problems, which is
a shame because there was some very good stuff in there as well. We just didn’t get to see all of it because so much
happened during commercials. Even for Impact this felt like a short show, as I think you can see by how little there was to
really recap. Anyway, that will do it for another week, folks. CHECK
OUT THE FORUMS. LEAVE SOME FEEDBACK. As per usual the main page is fantastic, so don’t forget to check that out as well. We have the
brand new TWF Radio, for one. I’ve also got a new Diatribe coming, actually TWO new Diatribes coming, as well as a second CMU with James Walker! Exciting times, people. Take care,
and as always, I remain, Remy So You Want To Be A Professional Wrestler It’s a dream we’ve all
had. Usually as kids in our underwear, watching one of the highlight shows on Saturday morning. Or if you’re me, watching
it in my underwear on Saturday morning … this past weekend. But what does it take to really get there? Well, here are
a few simple tips to help you on your way: 1) Be born a McMahon. 2) Marry a McMahon. 3) Practice soaping men’s asses in the showers. 4) Take random shits in people’s gym bags,
especially ladies’ gym bags. 5) Be addicted to booze, cocaine, pain medication,
and steroids. 6) Write about wrestling on the internet until the
WWE finally has no choice but to see your genius and hires you, eventually putting you in charge of the entire company because
you’re so handsome and super-fantastic. Hope that helps!
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
… Abyss makes his way to the ring now as …
ah, yeah. Would seem I’m forgetting a little bit, wouldn’t you say? I just began this sucker in Medias Res because
it is sure to be epic but not really (read Bacon, love Bacon). Now I know I missed last weeks recap, and this one is
a day late, but the second any of you wants to help me write some term papers for university, you just let me know! And I
know James is a million times busier than me and still not complaining, but he’s superhuman so it doesn’t count.
What a real man’s man that Last Week on Impact: Some stuff happened! … Fine. AMW defeat Naturals. Sabin defeats Dutt and Shelley.
Rhino, Killings, and Team 3-D defeat Skipper, Young, Moore, and Matt. Storyline wise they essentially just led into the PPV.
Jarrett provokes Sting, and Christian and Monty Brown agree they won’t be going Brokeback (unless one of them
decides to pull an Iron Sheik on the other for whatever reason). How many more gay jokes can I possibly make? At least 3.2! Destination X PPV: Christ, even more to recap. Okay, for whatever reason
it’s late and I’m having a hard time finding the results for the PPV. However, this was a great PPV and definitely
worth checking out. The matches were all quite long, something I’ve been pining for. The important results you should
know are that a) Christian retained, B) We have a NEW X-division champion: Christopher Daniels! Also of significance is that
Sting returns as Steve Borden and clears the ring of Jarretts cronies until … SCOTT STEINER makes his (un)FANTASTIC
return and lays a beat down on Borden. This Week on Days of our Li … I mean, IMPACT: We’re men. We don’t watch that faggy soap opera shit! Jarrett and his crew are out to the ring to kick off the
show. He calls out Steiner who then comes to the ring. Steiner cuts a decent promo, taking shots at the Dudleys as well as
Christian, basically calling them WWE cast-offs. You know, because Steiner totally isn’t! In the back we’re with Larry Z. He hypes the upcoming
six-sides of steel, which will take place next week on Impact. Samoa Joe comes in and he’s pissed off. Larry says he’s
got bigger things in store for Joe than the X-division title, but that’s not good enough for Joe. Instead, Mr. Samoa
(is that his real name?) trashes the office. I once threw a fit like that as a kid, and I still have the bruises to prove
it. Of course, that was yesterday, but still. Matt Bentley vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Elix Skipper: Sonjay Dutt wins this match with a nice 450 splash from
the top turn buckle. Simon Diamond is on commentary and complains about a guy named Sonjay being on the There’s a vignette now with Simon Diamond where
he’s at a baseball game and picking a fight with some baseball players. I must have missed something last week that
set this up. It’s hilariously bad though. One of the baseball players has a complimentary X-division title, and Simon
says he’s “disgusted.” The ball-player’s retort? … “You should be!” SO THERE SIMON!
There’s also a funny bit where Simon claims the footage was doctored with an I-pod, but Tenay calls him an idiot and
says it was probably … photoshop. Yuuuuup. I wish I had made that up, but sadly, I didn’t. Abyss vs. Cassidy Riley: Squash match, little to report. Yup, I was surprised to
see Cassidy win so quickly … Okay, so Abyss actually won, but I think my version would
have been more shocking. They hype the fact that next week on Impact, Sting is
going to speak. Or will it be Steve Borden (Boring?) again? I’m just waiting for him to come out with a sock puppet.
Come on, I bet if we work together we can convince him that Jesus told him to do it! Christian hypes a movie he’s filming. I swear to
God, Impact feels like a fucking infomercial sometimes. Again, you guessed it, more hyping. Cage vs. Abyss at
the next PPV. LAX vs. Norman Smiley & Shark Boy:
After the match there’s a beat down on Machete by
… Konnan and Homicide! A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels, Rhino & Ron Killings
vs. Chris Harris, James Storm, Shannon Moore & Alex Shelley: Finally a match of decent length. I’d have liked
to see more of Styles and Daniels, but it was a solid match on the whole. AJ’s team wins though, so I was happy with
that. He’s my favourite so I’m calling it his team. I can do that, you know. The perks of being the writer, mwa
haha. Anyway, AJ wins with the Styles Clash on Shannon Moore. There’s a nice little send off for him before he crawls
back to the WWE. Great stuff. The show ends with MORE hype. Six sides of steel next
week, in case you had forgotten. And that’s it for Impact. I know it was a touch
brief this week, and I do apologize. There really were not a lot of matches this week though, and most of the show was hype.
Impact really needs a two-hour format so that they can give proper time for matches. Of course, WWE has four hours a week
for their main shows, and they don’t do much better. Check out the main page, of course, and stop by the forums to shoot the shit with us. And if you haven’t already, for the love of God, go check out Sean’s latest satire. It’s been a huge hit and it’s definitely worth reading. Oh yeah, and Joe, you suck (had to fill my quota). Take care, and as always, I remain, Remy
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
Shark Boy and
Norman Smiley win, but the real tragedy is that there is no Big Wiggle. Okay, so I don’t consider that much of a tragedy,
but then again, I’m a Survivor. I don’t mean of the Holocaust, I just meant that I’ve watched the show “Survivor.”
Okay, so
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
So what’s new with everyone? Have a good week?
…
Yeah, fuck it.
I didn’t care anyway. I’m doing great and that’s all that really matters. I recently won a “most like
HHH on the internet” award, so it’s all cool. Spot the joke and win $50. And by $50 I mean Joe’s mom for
a night. But YOU have to fly your ass over to England to get her.
Enough of my preliminary unfunny stuff. Impact begins
now … on Tuesday night … because you’re reading a recap! But if you didn’t know that already, you
should probably follow these next three steps:
1) Go and find Witzdude.
2) Stay there.
3) There is
no step three. Ignore this part.
4) I said three steps not four, you morons, and there wasn’t even a step three.
Action begins now!
Jeff Jarrett, AMW & Abyss vs. Shark Boy, Buck Quartermain,
Norman Smiley & Cassidy Riley:
Short fucking match, that’s all I can say. Bit of a clusterfuck,
really. Norman Smiley does get his Big Wiggle off. That’s not a typo, so you can interpret that any way you feel. Jarrett
hits the Stroke on Norman Smiley for the win. Did you know that in the United States someone has a stroke every two minutes?
Seriously folks, strokes are no laughing matter. Of course, that’s a completely fabricated statistic. But there’s
no joke here, so I really do mean it’s no laughing matter …
Yup … no punchline …
...Still
though, as bad as *real* strokes are, I'm still convinced seeing this much Jarrett on my TV causes far more long-term damage
to your cerebral cortex. Okay, I lied. Thanks to Carless for that joke!
After the match the long anticipated Sting
tape arrives. You know, would you call it a sting since that’s what cops call it when they do it? Heh, a sting on Sting.
Okay, there has to be a joke in there somewhere, but I just can’t get it. So, here’s an open challenge: send me
your funny “sting on Sting” joke and, if it’s good, I will include it in my next piece!
Commercial.
Borash is cutting a promo in back, but gets interrupted by Jarrett and his cronies. They talk a bit more about the
tape and move along. Nothing remarkably eventful. Although I’m sure I’ll get e-mails about each and every little
detail I just left out. Like, “did you know the director of lighting’s name is …” etc., etc. But if
you know all that, then why are you reading this recap? Huh, huh? Who’s the cleverer one now!
Lance
Hoyt vs. Kenny King:
Hoyt wins with a Texas Powerbomb. Short match again, and I’m not even
really familiar with these two guys. You smarks that follow ROH and New Japan will probably write me extensive e-mails informing
me of their entire career. “did u no he had greatest match in ever with (some indy wrestler I’ve never heard of)
blah blah blah?” Well I knew that already, and obviously so did you. I just didn’t want to say what we both obviously
already knew! So HA.
Konnan w/ Machete and Homicide beat down on BG James. I’ve gotta say, they’re pretty
hardcore if they’re using swords to murder people, but luckily BG survived the homicide by machete. Thank God.
They
air a Ron Killings music video. It’s pretty fucking sad. And by sad I don’t mean that I was emotionally moved
by this video. I think my bowels may have moved though.
Sonjay
Dutt, Jay Lethal & Chris Sabin vs. Team Canada:
Promo with Christian in the back. Abyss shows up. They begin to brawl as cheesy 70’s fight music is played in
the background (of my mind). They make their way out the ring area where we see Christian knocked off the stage, landing ribs
first on a steel guardrail. Rhino checks up on Christian because apparently they are buddies, but I must have missed when
that happened. Maybe Christian loaned him some ass cream earlier …
A.J. Styles & Christopher Daniels vs. Samoa Joe & Shannon Moore:
This is
a great match. Only complaint here is that it is broken up by some commercials. Explaining all of the action in this match
would be an exercise in tedium for you and me, so I’ll skip that. I will say though, a match like this is every reason
to start watching TNA. I was a bit disappointed with the finish, however, which was a simple clothesline by Samoa Joe to Christopher
Daniels. This was the longest match of the show though, so that was awesome.
After the match, AJ grabs Joe’s
belt and hangs it up, since the ring is set up for an ultimate X match for hype. Joe just looks at it, but then walks away,
leaving us all to wonder if he really can manage to do it. This reminds me of that time some bullies stole my lunch money.
Except, I’m not a fat Samoan, so really, I think I’m better off.
In the back, Jarrett reveals that he’s
not actually worried about Sting. He’s got someone in mind for back up … I really hope it’s Owen Hart. I
mean, where’s that guy been lately? And he’s a great talent, don’t believe otherwise! He may not be in the
HOF yet, but that’s ONLY because they’re waiting for him to retire.
And that’s it for Impact, folks.
Seemed like a short show this week for some reason. Go check out the main page and see what’s new there. TWF has been on a roll lately and our hardest hitting staff members are really delivering.
Stop by the forums as well and shoot the shit with us. Or just feel free to tell me how fucking great I am. I’m kind of getting used to
it but not really! By the way, count the times I pay homage to Bacon and win a prize. And by prize I mean … it’s still Joe’s mom. Seriously, if you’re willing to fly over there. Anyway, take care, and as always, I remain,
Remy.
Hello again,
ladies (James’ mom, likely) and gentleman, and welcome to the third TNeh Impact Recap! This will be the best one yet,
I assure you, so give it a read. I realize that many of you are probably in the same boat as me (not the one up shit creek
without a paddle …that’s my other boat), when it comes to knowing about TNA, so in between making smart
ass jokes I’ve decided to be informative or some shit. We’ll learn together and it will be fun and completely
not gay! Besides, school nowadays is different than it used to be. Students are sleeping with teachers and getting that college
experience in high school. And I’m easy as hell, so as your “TNA” teacher (pun ++) I promise a good time
had by all (or at least by me as I steal your wallet while you sleep). Okay, so
it actually isn’t any different than my other recaps, but hell, I thought that bit was funny so I’m keeping it
in! Now, first
of all, I want to clear something up. I happen to really like NWA:TNA. It is a wonderful alternative to the WWE. One of my
only real complaints about Impact, is that with only one hour to work with the matches are often too short. But I am excited
about bringing this alternative to my readers. I am also, however a comedy/satire writer. So don’t expect me to go any
easier on TNA than I would on WWE. I probably should have made this clear in my debut recap, but I didn’t know then
how many of them I’d do. Enough with
the preliminary chatter! Impact is coming to you (not) live from wherever they tape it! Universal Studios in Monty
Brown vs. Dylan Knight: You won’t
recognize either of these guys from the WWE. Monty is a black guy. As for Dylan, he has no profile on TNA’s website
so … we’ll assume he’s a retired astronaut who’s pension just isn’t cutting it, so he’s
wrestling on the side. Monty Brown dominates this match and hits a nice flying maneuver off the ropes called “The Pounce”
for the pin. This match is only one minute long, short even for a squash match, if you ask me. I mean, if the length of this
match were a penis it wouldn’t even satisfy a Jewish woman. Yeah, I went there. Monty then
gets on the stick (not a pogo, although that would be hilarious). He cuts a promo basically calling Christian a coward. They’ve
got a match at the upcoming PPV. Christian comes out in response and fires a few words back. They agree to disagree, shake
hands, and enjoy a nice cup of Earl Gray tea. Or they brawl. I forget. AMW (I think
they stole their name from James’ and my column, CMU) are backstage and they cut a promo hyping the upcoming PPV, Destination
X. They, along with Jarrett and Abyss, will be facing Team 3D with Rhino and Ron Killings. Jarrett shows up to plug some footage
of Sting that is supposed to make him look like a coward. Jackie is going to wear a special outfit for this momentous occasion.
I sure hope it’s a paper bag and nothing else! AJ
Styles vs. Roderick Strong w/ Christopher Daniels on Commentary: This is another
unfortunately short match, especially considering it’s got one of my favorite wrestlers from any fed, AJ Styles, in
action. Most of the match is standard, with AJ hitting a nice Styles Clash for the win. During the match we have Daniels on
commentary and he is actually a very solid speaker. He also puts over Roderick Strong. One moderately funny moment sees Daniels
call Samoa Joe “Sloppy Joe.” I’m guessing Joe gives you heartburn and/or diarrhea? Interesting. The three-way
feud between Styles, Daniels, and Joe is really played up during this segment. Backstage
Gail Kim gives Jackie the outfit she is supposed to wear later on in the show. Jackie is upset over whatever it is. I would
seriously laugh it was a snowsuit or something, instead of what it obviously is, some type of lingerie. The
James Gang (formerly New Age Outlaws in the WWE) vs. Team BG James
still wrestles the same, and talks the same, as he did as Road Dogg in WWE. It was stale even then, but now it’s like
that bun I left sitting on my counter for five months … moldy? While it is kind of cool to see the former New Age Outlaws
wrestling again, they just aren’t the same without the rest of the DX package. Team BAD
SEGMENT ALERT! LAX then
lays into the James Gang after the match. But, fortunately, help is on the way! Bob Armstrong, BG James’ DAD …
fights off LAX single handedly. This is my favorite part of the show. It looked so damn cheesy it reminded me of a “Best
of” highlight reel from WCW. I wish I were making this up, folks, because it may well be the funniest bit in this whole
recap. Armstrong is so old and out of shape, and his ass kicking was so unconvincing, that it was the equivalent of Mae Young
laying a beat down on Trish and Victoria at the SAME TIME. Incidentally, I would like to lay a beat down on Trish and Victoria
as the same time … with my penis. Yeah, you probably saw THAT coming. I’d like them to see me cuming too! * Ahem
* Samoa Joe
is in action next. I’m looking forward to seeing him in the ring for the first time, after hearing much about him. I’ve
got my Rolaids ready too, just in case. Package highlighting
the ultimate X. Joe thinks he’s ready, and he’ll do whatever it takes to win. He’s like that guy who sneaks
an extra hotel on the board in a game of monopoly, or gets zero interest loans from the bank. I’d say I always hated
that guy, but … I am that guy! Another painfully
short match. I would love to see TNA get a two hour timeslot so that they can change this. Joe dominates the match, hyping
him for the upcoming three-way with Daniels and Styles. Joe gets the submission win, but this match had the most exciting
spots of any on the show. My favorite was the “shark bite,” however, which I had to laugh at when I noticed later
that Shark Boy doesn’t even have a mouth hole in his lucha mask! Irony would be Lita wearing a similar mask during her
time in After the
commercial there is a package for Ron Killings. What is the postal guy doing here, you ask? Not that kind of package, you
idiot! Rhino
and Ron Killings vs. AMW (tag champions): AMW looks
better than any current WWE tag team, I have to say. They win with a move called the “Death Sentence.” I think
it’s false advertising since no one really dies. It’s like a Baconism: AMW gives Rhino the “death sentence”
but luckily he survived.Yeah, that’s the best way I can describe it. Does that mean I’m lacking? Sure, why not.
Fortunately I have a huge penis to compensate. Again, this match was used to hype the upcoming PPV, and really was just a
standard tag match. It is the longest match on the show, however. Gotta say, I’d love to see what AMW could do in the
WWE, but they are likely better off in a fed like TNA that actually has a, you know, tag team division. Funny how that works but not really. Alright,
now for the main event of the program which is … some crappy footage of Sting playing basketball with his kids? Yup,
that’s about it. The point of this segment was to hype the eventual return of Sting, and was actually pretty funny and
well done. However, it would have been nice to see a solid match close out the show. Way too little
wrestling, is all I can say. It’s TNA’s strength and they didn’t play to it as well as they could have tonight.
However, it actually held my attention for the entire hour, something WWE has been very hard pressed to do lately. Check out
James’ latest effort as it is fucking hilarious. He proves once again that he is a real innovator around here. It’s
on par with his song parody idea, so that should put it into perspective. And please stop by the forums and leave feedback
or shoot the shit. Take care, and as always, I remain,
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
You know,
it’s almost midnight here. And I’m just sitting down to write this motherfucker. Fortunately, I’ve got my
Tim Horton’s chili and I’m good to go. But that’s irrelevant. Sean is cracking the whip, so here I go … As I mentioned,
I just got back from Tim Horton’s. Wrestling? Yeah, I’m getting there. STFU noube. And there is this guy there
who’s complaining that he ordered one thing, and got something else. Fair enough, right? Yeah well, this particular
asshole had gone all the way home before realizing this error, and decided to come all the way back to complain. And what
does he want? Compensation for the fucking gas he used going back and forth. I’m starting to hate James Bond for stopping
super villains from destroying the world. Impact begins NOW … several days ago. I know I didn’t recap last weeks, but it was right before
a PPV, which I wasn’t about to recap, so fuck it. Plus, I had papers and midterms, so stuff it. And yes this one is
excessively late, but at least one of those day delays was damn worth it. Check out the main page for the return of Gags NOW! Seriously
this time, the recap starts now! We begin
the show with Christian … cage (not the carnivore variety). He cuts a promo. Blah blah, he’s happy being champ.
Who’d have thunk it? Where he loses me, is when he claims he holds the bestest title in the ever. Come on dude, don’t
piss on my hand and tell me it’s raining. This week on, “When Kayfabe Attacks!” Anyway, he’s looking
forward to the future and shit. Good for you, Christian, and all you had to was go from a successful company to a far less
successful company. If people made business decisions like this guy, there would still be idiots buying Enron stock! I kid.
Seriously, Christian has always been cool in my books … even after the whole ass cream skit. Promo in
the back. JJ’s not happy. Is he fucking ever happy? Later on we’ll get a screening of some Jackie footage that
is supposed to be a big deal. I’m guessing she did a Girls Gone Wild video. Well, I can hope anyway. Pssst, can someone
please tell me who the fuck Jackie is? It’s so hard keeping track of WWE’s rejects. We now have
a three way. Two of the girls start making out as the third grabs a huge dildo and … oh wait a second. I’ll recap
that some other time. What I meant is … Rod
Strong w/ … herpes? vs Shannon Moore w/ girls name vs Jay Lethal w/ lame name: After the
match they show a package for Ron Killings. That sounded bad. They didn’t show Ron Killing’s package … they
showed one of him … a … I give up. BG and Kip
are back together. Ah, young love, how fickle thou art. Something about them taking out the LA airport, you know, LAX. They
get an inspirations speech from … bullet bob? Does anyone on this freakin’ show have a real name? But, uh, they’re
gonna get that rascaly Konnan (not the barbarian). Was the Konnan joke lame? Sure. Is it 1 am and am I tired? Yes. So fuck
off. LAX
vs. La Migra: This match
is up next, and I don’t know a single one of these motherfuckers. It’s just like all those kids who write to me,
telling me I’m their “dad” or some shit. Machete and Homicide hit a doomsday bulldog for the win. Shit,
that’s as much detail as they have at 411, so don’t look at me if you think it’s a barebones recap. I mean
… I’m not looking at … 411 … and you shouldn’t either! Konnan blames
his vaginitis on the fact that Bob Armstrong doesn’t have a wrestling license. But if he gets one … dun dun duuuuuuuun!
You know, or something. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here, but if I had to guess, I’d say Konnan
and Armstrong are not exactly friends. Frankly, I’m shocked. Zybysko talking
to Samoa Joe. We are told Joe hasn’t done one big thing, his … GED. No, I’m kidding. It’s really the
Ultimate X. Oh well, I guess Joe’s illiteracy will fly under the radar once more. At Destination X Joe will face AJ
and Daniels again. Joe then gets in Zybysko’s face, because apparently he’s … threatening? Jesus dude. This
guy probably shouts at the lamp too, if it doesn’t turn off right away when he claps his hands. Christopher
Daniels vs. Austin Aries: This match
ends in a no contest when Samoa Joe comes down to the ring. This was actually a very good bout leading up to that point. If
you’re not already watching TNA, this is every reason right here why you should. BUT, read my recaps anyway because
I make jokes and stuff and you like my jokes and I’ll cry if you don’t so there. Joe and Daniels
brawl. Daniels has the upper hand until Joe hits him with his belt, and proceeds to kick his ass. AJ Styles makes the save
and then hilariously tries to deny it. Joe’s grumpy, and AJ doesn’t want to be in his bad books. He’s a
bitch to get to sleep at night as it is, let alone when he’s in a sour mood, apparently, so AJ wants to stay on good
terms. Backstage
segments are annoying as fuck to recap. Anyway, JJ and co. are in the back and talking about Jackie’s tape again. She
has to join them, or else, blah blah. JJ’s not supposed to touch anyone from Team Roode,
A1, and Williams (Team With six
people in the match, it’s pretty hard to keep track of who is doing what. Especially since I only know the Dudleys and
that dude who was in the WWE once (which could be ¾ of the roster, actually). Anyway, Team 3D and Killings win after a reverse
3D … you know, it’s confusing when their finisher has the same name as them. Killings won it with an ax kick,
by the way. Ooooh, ahhhh. Come on, everyone chant with me now, “awesome ax kick” clap clap clapclapclap! AMW comes
out and attacks the winners. Then Rhino comes out. It’s starting to remind me of ECW here, but not in any good ways.
Rhino lays out some gores and there you have it. Monty Brown
confronts Christian as the show goes off the air. All in all
this Impact wasn’t as good as the one I previously recapped. And hell, this recap isn’t as good as my previous
recap either! But that’s the way she goes. Sincere apologies if this wasn’t quite up to snuff, but I tried (sorta).
My half-assed efforts should be rewarded in life, damnit! Well folks,
swing by our forums and give me some feedback, or shoot the shit with the TWF staff about whatever your heart desires. Except toaster ovens.
Talk about toaster ovens and I’ll ban you. Seriously, we are a very laid back bunch, so don’t anyone feel intimidated.
I’m a nice guy, and I’ll fucking kill anyone who says otherwise! And definitely check out the main page. We’ve
got the return of Dave Gagnon up there for Christ’s sake. James has a bunch of kick ass stuff, as per usual, including a No Way Out recap that totally wasn’t done by Sean, but reads like it was, but trust me really wasn’t. I’d shill Joe too, but I don’t really like him. Shit, I just shilled him, didn’t I? Oh, and check out my Diatribe as well. It’s updated … sometimes! Thanks to Carless, of course. This crazy TWF idea of his just keeps getting better and better. Take care, and as always, I remain, “You’re”
God, Remy P.S. I still
hate you, Benji. P.P.S. For
those wondering, I finished the recap at 1:40 am. I don’t think any of you actually give a shit, but I hate loose ends.
But I loves me some loose women!
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
Now, I don’t know if this will be a regular thing, and I kind of doubt it will be, but I thought it might be
fun. So, lets get to the God damn action already: Team 3-D’s in the ring as we begin. I think D-von is getting a gut. He’s going to stick it to Vince McMahon
for firing him by … becoming slightly obese! That will show him. So, whom will they face at Against All Odds? Team 3-D
against Team We now cut to a recap of Sting’s last appearance. “Blah blah blah, fake retirement, etc,” is pretty
must the gist. I’m sure that somewhere in there he also subliminally told us to praise the Jesus. I’m calling
Peter Popoff for my miracle water RIGHT NOW! Rhyno vs. Kenny King Rhyno heads down to the ring as we come back.
We are shown how he speared Abyss through a wall from last week. This week, his opponent is … Kenny King? Who? Rhyno
dominates early on. King hits a kick on Rhyno’s shoulder, but he shakes it off and gives him a nice spinebuster. GORE!
GORE! GORE! And that’s a three. I give this match 3452 stars out of a possible 5234. We now cut to an interview with Larry Zybsko. He talks briefly about Sting retiring. Then he bitches and moans that
nothing’s going right for himself. Some guy interrupts. It’s TNA, after all, so fuck if I know who it is. Says
he’s got the right image though … but not for me to remember him! It’s either Aries or Stong, according
to research (half ass research anyway). And we are then interrupted by the Naturals, who complain they’re sitting on
the sidelines. Does wrestling even have sidelines? Wouldn’t that be in the fucking audience? Well, who ever said wrestlers
were smart! Moving on, fans wanted 3-D vs. Team AJ Styles vs. Jay Lethal: They show an ad for Against All Odds. Order it, or continue to let Vince tea bag you! Okay, they didn’t actually
say that, but I would definitely buy their PPV if they did. Chris Sabin and Sonjay Dutt vs. Team And we are back with tag team action. This is part of the tag team tourney, and we’re kicking it off with: Chris
Sabin and Sonjay Dutt vs. Team TNA went to It’s time for more commercials. Random thoughts that occur to me during the commercial break: 1) Perhaps I’d have something better to do on a Saturday night if I didn’t expose my penis
to women in the park. 2) I’m hungry, think I’ll go out and get some food after Impact. 3) Since
I’m heading out, I might as well stop at the park and expose my penis to women. We come back to Impact with a segment between AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels. Apparently they are less than friends.
How very sad. Bruce/Rod Steele and Frankie Capone vs. LAX: Bruce and Rod Steele with Frankie Capone are up next against the LAX. I wonder though, how will they fight a fucking
airport? Well, anyway, the LAX dominates the entire match and finishes off their competition with a Super Doomsday Bulldog.
That’s what you get for fighting an airport. Idiots. They must not have seen that Tom Hanks movie where the airport
totally kicks his ass. And that’s Tom Fucking Hanks. I give this match one out of two breasts. Commercials. You don’t really need to know that, but it helps fill out this column, so fuck off. They show a press conference with Christian and Jarrett. If you don’t already know that it ends up with them
brawling do the following: 1) Stop reading this column. 2) Go get a gun and play the fun game described in step 3. 3) Shoot yourself, but start with your
head and work your way down, see how far you can get. D’Amore wants to make a documentary on Canadian wrestling. The Naturals vs. Austin Aries and Roderick Strong: And we are back with the main event. It’s a part of the tag team tourney and features The Natural vs. Austin
Aries and Roderick Strong w/ Alex Shelley. Austin Aries gets a roll up and uses the ropes to pick up the win. Other highlights
include a high knee by Segment in the back. JJ wants dirt on Jackie. Shelley’s gonna get the job done. It ends with Eric Young looking
into the camera and eerily speculating that Sting’s … GASP, not really gone for good. Well folks, that’s it for my first ever attempt at a recap, so thanks for bearing with me if you
actually got this far! Stop by the forums and let me know what you thought, and shoot the shit with us about
other wrestling related stuff as well. Or non-wrestling related stuff. We’re cool like that. And don’t forget,
there’s a BRAND NEW Diatribe TOMORROW!!!! If you’re all really nice to me, I might even
feel motivated to work on another CMU with James. Speaking of which, check out all the other good stuff on the main page,
but especially Mr. Walker’s HUGE 50th column. It kicks all kinds of ass, I assure you. Of course,
a big thanks to Sean Carless for giving me a home here at TWF, the best wrestling site on the internet. See you tomorrow,
folks! Take care, and as always, I remain, Remy
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that,
chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe).
He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing
past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known
gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black
people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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