Joe Merrick presents…

THE TOP TEN EXCERPTS FROM WRESTLING DOCUMENTARIES THAT WOULD BE AWESOME IF THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED. 

10. Vince in the locker-room

HHH: Ok, ok, guys, it’s my turn. Try this out…If you were on a train, and you were sat next to a hot chick, the kind who’s kinda pretentious, right. If the train was about to crash and no one would survive…would you rape the chick?

Mick Foley: What?!

Rock: Well, I mean, how fast exactly would the tr-

Austin: Yes.

 

Vince: Hell I would! Even if we were related!

HHH: That’s…great, Vince, but I wasn’t askin-

Vince: Yes sir! Even if she was my own flesh and blood. No problems with that. We’re all guys here right?

 

9. CM Punk’s tell-all biographical documentary

Interviewer: So it was about that time you sunk into depression?

 

Punk: That’s…that’s right. It was a tough time. I was always at home, either sleeping or high on-

 

Interviewer: Cocaine?

 

Punk: ….No.

 

Interviewer: Heroin?

Punk: No…

 

Interviewer: Painkillers? Roids? Marijuana?

 

Punk: No, no, and no.

 

Interviewer: Beer?!

 

Punk: No!

 

Interviewer: Well Jesus shitting Abraham, what did you do?

 

Punk: Well, I…smelled the occasional magic marker. Is that controversial enough?

 

8. Canada’s Great Wrestlers of All-Time

 

Bret Hart: Hey who else is on this list? Jericho? Sweet. Storm? Awesome, good, good choices. Hmm? What’s that? You gotta be shitting me. You’ve got him included? Ho ho, you can count me the fucking hell out, buddy.

 

7. JBL lets slip behind the scenes

 

Booker (Narrating): JBL? Yeah, we didn’t get on so well all the time…

 

King Booker: What’s up suckas! How’s y’all doin’?

 

JBL: Ooh, how quaint. He found some shiny objects. Hello? You speaky Engy? Pleeeease taaaake my baaaaags. Toooo the hoooteeeeel. Roooooom. Okay?

 

Booker: …

 

Booker (Narrating): As awkward as it was, at least it was a different joke to him soaping someone’s ass or something.

 

6. Nelson Frazier, Jr.

 

Nelson: You don’t even know who the fuck I am do you? Nelson fucking Frazier FUCKING

Jr. LOOK IT UP. I’ve spent like a decade in this business, had at least 3 famous gimmicks I WON A KING OF THE RING YOU IGNORANT ASSMUNCHERS. But nooo, it’s all ‘Ooo Vader, ooo Bam Bam Bigelow, best big men in the business, wah wah wah!’. FUCK you people.

 

5. Eddie Guerrero 2 - Lie, Cheat, Steal….and KICK ASS.

 

In a world, where the dead live…through shoddy storylines. Where memories are exploited for profit and gain. One man. Will rise above the ashes. One man, will show the world…

 

His Latino Heat.

 

Eddie: You crossed the line, esse’s! *Shoots a room full of execs*

Coming this Summer.

 

BOOMEXPLOSION

 

He will take you to the edge.

 

*A lowrider careers through an office window*

 

Eddie: Eddie’s not up there, esse’s! And he’s not in hell either! HE’S IN YOUR FACES.

 

Starring Owen Wilson.

 

*Vince gets run over by the lowrider*

 

Owen Wilson: Guess ya could call that SPLATino Heat!

 

Chris Benoit.

 

Benoit: So what you’re saying is…once I die, WWE will give me more exposure than when I was alive?

 

Eddie: Si, esse! It’s exploita-

 

Benoit: Scuse me, I gotta…erm, go sort out..something…

 

And Eddie Guerrero.

 

Eddie: SAY ‘ELLO, TO MAH L’IL FRIEND.

 

Rey Mysterio: Hey everyone!

Coming July 2008.

 

4. Batistiality - The Dave Batista Story

 

Narrator: Our story begins in…erm…I’m…not sure actually. Where’s this guy from again?

 

3. Rey Mysterio recalls the matches on his DVD

 

So ah this match was my first title shot against…oh I…lost that one. Oh well here’s one against Booker T, now this one’s a classic because of the…Huh. Lost that one too. Well, never mind, this next one up is when I took on The Great Kha- oh for the love of God, give me a God damn break!

 

2. The Self Destruction of Carlito Caribbean Cool

 

Vince: Oh no, I never agreed to him having an IC or US title. No sir.

 

Pat Patterson: The guy was a joke! He had his run, but he got lazy and therefore we are all obliged to rip the unholy fucking shit out of him because no one else on the roster is lacking in any way shape or form whatsoever nope.

 

Steph: It’d be like, you’d ask him to work a match…and he did. But, like, he did it in a way, where you thought like, ‘Gawd, what a bitch’.

 

Ric Flair: It was about that time I decided to shoot on him because we had all had enough of him being the ONLY bad wrestler on the entire roster. This really showed him a lesson and of course did the business a great deal of good.,

 

Narrator: In the interests of fairness we of course let Mr. Carlito have his say on this documentary.

 

Carlito: I-

Narrator :There you have it, what a douche bag.

 

1. Undertaker’s doctor appointment

Interviewer: So what happened then?

Doctor: Well, Mister Calloway came for some tests and such, and I told him he should return in 6 months.

Interviewer: And he came back after that?

Doctor: Well it’s the damndest thing. About 2 months later my lights kept flicking on and off, and soon I heard a mysterious gong noise in my office. A month after that and I walked in to find sand and a gravestone on my desk.

Interviewer: And what happened after that?

Doctor: Well, after a well put-together video package that aired through my office computer, he came back and I gave him the results.

Interviewer: And you found out he had no pulse? Hahaha. Just joking.

 

Doctor: Haha. Nah. He had cancer.