Welcome to the grand return of the Diatribe! It’s been a long ass time, but I’ve stayed regular with the TNA recaps so I’m happy about that. I really felt the need to flex some creative muscle, while praying it hasn’t atrophied. But then I remembered that I’m Remy, which automatically makes me awesome. My mom even told me so.

So with that, I proudly present:

Letters From The Wrestling World

To: Dixie Carter

From: Vince McMahon

Dix,

Just wanted to add a note to our previous conversation. Having reached your four-year mark you continue to provide new and innovative programming. I cannot stress enough what a MISTAKE this is. If you want to reach the big leagues you should be aware that wrestling works in “cycles.” When you find something that works you must never allow it to die, just like that Neo in the second Matrix movie as long as you forget the fact that the bitch died again in the third one anyway. But I think you get my point.

I’ll even let you in on some of what we have planned for big comebacks. First of all, we’ve got two words for ya … Gold Dust! You see, re-hiring and re-firing employees lets everyone who works for you know that when you make a decision, you mean serious business.

And what would the WWE be without an ongoing face vs. boss feud? With this in mind, we’ve decided that each face wrestler will have his own boss to feud with. The logistics of having so many bosses will be sorted out soon by Stephanie McMahon. She has assured us that she is ready to birth her swarm at any moment. This will allow us to get all our faces insanely over. It will be like Hulkamania times fifty!

I’ve also been asked by some people why I’m giving you all this great helpful advice. And it’s really quite simple. I want TNA to be as close to a WWE product as possible by the time I inevitably purchase it, along with the NFL. I don’t even mind telling you this because I’m so confident you are powerless to stop me. Mwa haha, mwa haha.

Hope that helps! Best wishes,

Vincent K. McMahon

P.S. Don’t forget what I always say: I love Dix!

To: Vince McMahon

From: Dixie Carter

Vince,

You are a fucking moron.

Sincerely,

Dixie

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To: Jim Cornette

From: TNA booking committee

Jim,

With your TNA debut fast approaching, we wanted to run our game plan by you. We’ve been hyping this “new face” of TNA management with great zeal, so we really don’t want to disappoint. Basically, we hate the predictability of the WWE so much that we’re going to do the opposite.

First, you’ll come out and cut an enormously long and boring promo when you make your first appearance. With all the hype around your debut, it’s the last thing they’ll expect!

Later in the night we’ll also have you suspend the Heavyweight Title, after Jarrett wins it by cheating. The fans will start to think you’re finally going to live up to the hype, but we’re going to SWERVE them again. You see, two weeks later, you will simply GIVE Jarrett the title anyway. And the only explanation you’ll offer is that you had no choice, even though you’re supposed to be the highest authority.

Believe us, this will have the fans on the edge of their seats! Regards,

TNA booking

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To: Playboy Centerfold

From: Remy

Hey babe,

Just wanted to say I’m very sorry. I heard from one of your friends that you were unable to walk yesterday after our all-night passionate love-making. I told you that inviting the other centerfolds to join in would be your only respite, but you just have to be the jealous type. See you again tonight,

Remy

P.S. I expect you to pay me the full amount this time.

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Ooops, how’d that one get in there?

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To: TNA booking committee

From: HHH

Guys,

Now don’t tell Vince this, but I actually have been watching your show for a while now. But recently you’ve done something that has enraged me, and I felt the need to write furiously about it on the internet to you. I may even start a myspace site over this.

How dare you put the title on Jeff Jarrett again. Don’t you realize that everyone is sick of him and his stale gimmick? No one wants to see him with the title again you clueless morons. I mean, you’d think he was dating Dixie Carter or something. And if he is, for shame. What a horrible way to conduct business. Regards,

Mr. Stephanie McMahon

P.S. Vince is yelling from the other room that you should do like we did with DX, and bring back Sports Entertainment Extreme already.

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To: Edge

From: Christian Cage

RE: Who held who back?

Bro,

Stop being so jealous just because I was a longer transitional champ than you were. If you don’t stop sending me emails of naked dudes with “Christian Sucks” written across their asses I swear to God I’ll tell mom. And really, is that the kind of crap you’re learning in WWE these days? Oh, that reminds me. Naked dudes? That is seriously gay bro, and as Sting would say, that’s a shoot.

I think the syphilis you caught from Lita has started to make you lose your mind. Keep it up and you’ll end up ranting and raving about how you can’t die or some shit to your fat female internet fans. And you know that will just lead to them moving you to ECW and giving you your vampire gimmick again. Get your head straight,

Cage.

To: Christian

From: Edge

RE: Who held who back?

Christian,

BLARGH RGAR WWRAK! ARRRRRGH, ARRRRRRRRRRGH.

www.gayfaggotbuttsex.com

Kindest regards,

Edge

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Well that has been truly shocking, don’t you agree? But what’s just as shocking is how I just found out that I am the “premier provider of Human capital.” I bet you didn’t know that, but the proof can be found right here: http://www.remycorp.com/

Please stop by the forums to chat with us kind fellows, and/or email me and tell me whatever you’d like. I’m sure my new personal secretary at remycorp will get back to you in no time informing you that you’ve been moved to the spammer’s list. But most importantly, check out the front page, where there is always something great going on. Take care,

Remy.