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October 26, 2006

 

10.26.06

 

Oh yes, I'm back from my short trip away from the rainy shores and drunken vicars of England to do another edition of The Bullfrog TNA Impact Report. Before we get underway I must express my heartfelt thanks to Remy for filling in last week. If you haven't read it yet, don't. Seriously, I don't want people to realise how bad I am in comparison. Now onto the wrestling...
 
 
We get a Bound For Glory recap, Sting no-selling the shot from the Death Guitar made me cry tears of mirth. Mirth, I tell you!
 
 
We are informed that Kurt Angle will be facing Samoa Joe at Genesis. That's Genesis the upcoming PPV not the shit English pop act from the 80's. In case you got those two confused. Sting enters the ring only to find Christian Cage has already snuck in their during his entrance. Cage says Sting has stolen in his thunder and that he will be fighting in a tournament tonight to get the title shot. This is the first mention of such a tournament, perhaps someone might've explained this to us. Christian tells us there will be 18 other men and none of them are up to his mighty standard therefore he should probably just make Christian the number one contender now. I imagine Triple H and Vince have this conversation a lot. Christian also talks about how he turned on Sting, but that was about ten years ago so nobody cares anymore. Sting refuses to give Christian a title shot, something Hunter has never had to deal with, and proceeds to beat the living crap out of him.
 
 
Jeremy Borash is backstage but gets interrupted by Joe who informs him to be vewy qwuiet as he is hunting Angles.
 
 
Finally this tournament is going to be explained! I'm sure it'll all be much clearer now..never mind its Christy Hemme. She starts to hype it, I go make myself a sandwich, I come back and apparently they're calling it Fight for the Right. I resisted the urge to shout 'TO PAAARRRTAAAYY' and start doing air guitar. Alright I didn't resist.
 
 
We come back after the break and Shane Douglas is in the ring. Call me old fashioned but when I watch a wrestling show I would hope to see a wrestling match sometime. The Franchise shills the big title shot for The Naturals. This time apparently he's not going to take it away from them for losing at the PPV. So if my algebra is correct the formula goes something like this:
 
TNA (continuity) + Russo = TNA (what continuity?)
 
 
NWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP 
 LAX vs. THE NATURALS

 
LAX get jumped by Americas Most Watned on the way to the ring. The two teams brawl into the crowd as The Naturals just stand there and watch. AMW chuck LAX in the ring and Harris shouts 'That's for missing a spot by the patio you lazy cunt!'. The Naturals take over early on due to LAX being all tuckered out from the fight with AMW. It seems to be a Tornado Tag as no one has gone to the corner yet. Oh wait, never mind, Douglas gets tossed out of the ring and Homicide gets the Cop Killer on Stevens. Douglas breaks up the pin fall and starts to comeback but gets a slapjack when the referee isn't looking. Border Toss and a one and a two and a one two three. Bit too much of a squash match for my liking.
 
WINNERS: LAX
 
 
Douglas starts slapping up his team but they fight back for once. The crowd chant 'Kick his ass'. So they job out like little bitches but the conselation is they can beat up Shane Douglas? Gotta feel sorry for the lads. Shane cracks a slightly evil looking grin as he bleeds from the mouth.
 
 
A cheshire cat style grin spreads across my face because it's time for Paparazzi productions! Shelley says he lost and Devine has been kicked out of the group. Alex is jealous of Austin Starr winning the Kevin Nash Invitational and Starr appears. Big Sexy *shudder, vomit* says that Starr single-handendly put the X-Division back on the map and orders Shelley to film everything Austin does, this does not go down well with Shelley.
 
 
Alright so apparently the Fight for the Right tournament isn't actually tonight, tonight is a qualifier. I'm going to try and explain the rules but don't expect a whole lot because I'm not to sure of them myself. OK, eighteen men start standing around the ring and then brawl to get in the ring. The first seven men to get into the ring get to be in the match and the eleven who don't are eliminated. Then the match becomes a seven man over the top rope battle royal. All seven of the men will be in the tournament but the elimination order effects the seeding. When it gets down to two men it becomes a single match, the winner of which will automatically qualify to the second round of the tournament.
 
 
Somewhere, Vince Russo is sitting on a chair stroking his cat and cackling madly as he watches this.
 
 
A TON OF WRESTLERS IN A FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO CHALLENGE FOR THE NWA TITLE AND TO PARTAY QUALIFICATION MATCH
 
The match, and I use match in the loosest sense of the word, begins with eighteen man going at each other. I'm not exactly sure who's in there but James Storm is standing around drinking beer showing no interest in whats going on. You and me both, Storm. Bobby Roode makes it to the ring then Sabin. Matt Bentleys in the audience and he seems to be challenging Shannon Moore for the 'stupidest looking retard' award. What with HHH's 'Mania attire it should be a hot contest this year. AJ and Daniels get in, we see Brother Ray arguing with Shane Douglas I have no idea why that is there. Then Abyss gets in, then Lance Hoyt then a MIDGET RIDING A GIRAFFE COMES IN well not really but everyone's so confused it might as well have happened. Christian and Ron Killings brawl for the final spot on the apron but Rhino pulls Cage off and Truth gets in. And...now LAX are brawling with AMW at ringside for NO REASON DAMMIT! I pass out either from confusion or from eating a strip of bacon I found behind my sofa which is right in time for the break. Convenient.
 
Post break the Battle Royal kicks off and Ron Killings gets thrown out before you can say 'hey remember when he was a main eventer'. Roode eliminates Sabin by countering a Tornado DDT while AJ and Daniels double team Abyss with a Total Elimination. Rood ambushes them and goes up top but Daniels cuts him off and attempts the Iconoclasm but Traci Brooks grabs his leg and he gets eliminated by Roode. Roode then falls off. Just falls, no one pushed him, no reason for it he just fell. The crowd starts a chant demanding the return of the midget riding a giraffe. Abyss hip tosses AJ out and it's down to Abyss and Lance Hoyt in our main event. Let me say that again just to let the full impact sink in: Abyss and Lance Hoyt in our main event.
 
 
Abyss hits an avalanche but Hoyt comes back with a flying forearm. Lance hits the ten punches in the corner thing but Abyss hits him with the big boot. Abyss gets a chair but the referee takes it then Hoyt gets a kick of his own on Abyss which he follows up with a really nice moonsault. He goes for the superkick, the second most meaningless finisher after the spear, but he gets caught in the torture rack then goes for another avalanche but eats a dropkick. Jim Mitchell then distracts the referee and Lance hits a Van Terminator. Seriously. There was a time that I would ridicule or get annoyed by that but that goddamm stupid battle royal thing just killed me inside. Abyss sells it like Butchers sell cabbages and hits the Black Hole Slam for the three.
 
WINNER OF THIS UNBELIEVABLE SPECTACLE OF SHEER INCOMPETENCE OF BOOKING STAFF: Abyss and whatever was on the other channel that everyone switched to.
 
 
But don't worry, the standards of the show are going to improve right now because we have...an interview with Jeff Jarrett. Would someone..please...kill me? JJ is close to tears as they tell us that he's going home instead of pursuing a rematch. He tells us how he's carried the company but may have dropped the ball occasionaly. Yeah, like Nazis occasionaly killed Jews in concentration camps. He's going home. He acted it well but I'm just not buying victim-Jeff. Tenay and West get some screen time and they talk about their newfound respect for JJ. Thanks for telling me what to think you fascist bastards!
 
 
Kurt Angle appears as the drug addicted silver lining to the fuck off big cloud that this show has been. He says he came to TNA to wrestle for the best audience in the world. He didn't thank Mick Foley for the lessons in cheap pops though, how rude. He also came to TNA to kick the ass of everyone on the greatest roster in the world, most of all Samoa Joe. The crowd chant 'Joe's gonna kill you' and Angle calls Joe a 'bleeder' which is so shockingly offensive Joe runs out. The whole locker room has to run out to break it up and that's the show, folks. 

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 Remy's Tneh! Impact Report

 

10.19.06

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion. I’ve been missing from this site for far too long, I know. Truth is I’ve been hiding in a cave, in a deep meditation, to focus my writing energies and become a master. That was pretty boring though, so I’m really glad I brought a stack of Playboy magazines with me.

 

I’m excited as hell to be back doing this week’s Impact Recap, but have no fear, your regular guys, whatshisname, will be back next week. I’m just kidding, the British Bullfrog does a great job and I’m more jealous than I’d like to admit. But seriously, what the hell is a British Bullfrog anyway? I’m guessing it’s slang for some form of VD.

 

I’m not going to ramble in the introduction though. So let’s get right down to business … right after I take a huge steaming shit. But you won’t even know that’s happened because obviously the writing doesn’t keep going when I’m in the washroom. So, amazingly, you’ll be none the wiser that I’m going to go “drop the kids off at the pool.” And I’m back. World record for fastest shit it must seem to you, eh? Just ah, don’t go into the washroom for a good 30 minutes, even though hours will have past by the time you read this.

 

Wow, I spent WAY too long on a dookie joke. Let’s move on.

 

NOW is the time of Impact’s Beginning!

 

Clips from last week’s show are shown, including the Angle interview that sparked many online speculations about Angle’s choice of toothpaste. Or his sanity. Whatever.

 

Tenay announces that “management” has decided that if Joes doesn’t return the Heavyweight belt tonight, he’ll be fired. Oh noes, I see a feud between Joe and … who’s the boss over at TNA, Dixie Carter? Joe could reform (D)XXX and fight the (wo)man using juvenile humour! I smell ratings. No wait, I left the washroom door open, sorry.

 

Now there’s a random three-way between Raven, Abyss, and Runt. You know the drill: punch, punch, kick, Black Hole Slam, file some taxes, punch, punch. The real story here? Jake the fucking Snake Roberts. This guys got one foot so far in the grave he can talk to his dead snake in the afterlife. Apparently, snakes can speak English there … or something. Good thing he brought a new snake. I guess not all pets can be like Lassie, who must have lived for 40 years. Oh, what’s that you say? You mean … there’s no Santa? YOU BASTARD!

 

After he scares off Abyss he gives Runt a DDT. I don’t know why. Guess he really didn’t want to be a referee. Could you imagine if real life worked like that?

 

“Hey Remy, can you do the Impact Recap this week.”

Remy grabs Sean in a head lock and performs a vicious DDT.

“Sure, I’d love to.”

 

Guess my version went a little different.

 

Backstage we see Kurt Freakin’ Angle get out of a limo. Seriously, I think that’s his middle name.

 

There’s a vignette for some dude named Austin Starr. PROTIP: If this guy doesn’t wear a wife-beater to the ring, something is terribly wrong.

 

Christian Cage vs. Norman Smiley:

 

So apparently this is an “Orlando Street Fight” match. Who knew all those old people loved street fights so much they have their own “Orlando” version. I shouldn’t be surprised though. Didn’t Pony Boy retire there? Vague reference ++.

 

Ah, should also mention that Smiley is decked out in a football uniform. It might as well be a French maid’s outfit though, for all the good it does him. HA, I hope you just got a visual of Smiley in a French maid’s outfit and … AAAAAAAGH, OH GOD IT JUST HIT ME.

 

 Unprettier followed by the One Man Conchairto leads to the pin for Cage. Very short match.

 

For some reason Cage then tries to put Smiley in a straight jacket (borrowed from Angle?) but Sharkboy is out for the save. Shark gets his ass kicked though and is almost given the straight jacket when Rhino comes out. This time, Christian runs.

 

Eric Young is facing Larry Zybsko in a loser gets fired type match. Eric says Joe says he won’t give the title back. I bet this went like a game of “Telephone” though, with Joe originally saying “now where did this 12” black dildo come from?” Followed by, “Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s Jarrett’s.”

 

Backstage. Video Games. Pointless segment. Lethal, Dutt, Lynn, Senshi. Ah, Jay Lethal takes on Senshi next. I guess that’s what all this was about.

 

Jay Lethal vs. Senshi:

 

Okay, this kind of pissed me off. I like Lethal; think he’s a great wrestler. And Senshi’s good too, but I don’t think he needs to squash (literally) Lethal like he did here. Ah … don’t mean to go all op-board on you there. Fart, poop, penis. That’s better.

 

Senshi hits his Ki Krusher after Lethal misses a head butt, and that’s all. This match was not even two minutes long. If this match were in inches instead of minutes, it would just barely be longer than William Regal’s penis.

 

After the match we get another beat down. Sabin comes to make the save and gets his ass handed to him as well.

 

Paparazzi Productions does some hype work. Nash has been funnier. Like when he tore his quad.

 

The upcoming PPV is hyped. I’ll include the card at the end.

 

A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels & James Gang vs. LAX & AMW:

 

Clusterfuck to start with everybody going at it. After a commercial break in the early goings of the match we have Hernandez and Daniels in the ring. BG breaks up a Dragon Sleeper as Styles and Harris are tagged in. AJ’s kicking all kinds of ass and hits a sweet Asai DDT on Homicide. Harris gets nailed with a Pele, but Storm is in to nail Styles with a Superkick. There’s some confusion between Harris and Homicide that allows Styles to roll Homicide up for the win.

 

LAX turns on AMW after the match, even hitting a Border Toss on Gail. Hell of a bump for her to take. I’d like for her to take a bump from me. Does that even make sense? Intercourse. I would like to have sexual intercourse with Gail Kim.

 

That joke turned out way creepier than I had intended. Notice how I didn’t change it though, teehee.

 

Sting vs. Jarrett is hyped.

 

Samoa Joe comes out to the ring now for the final segment of the show. Will he return the title belt? Tenay has some documents for Joe and it’s not made clear what they are. Doesn’t matter though because Joe tears them apart and refuses to return the belt.

 

A video for Kurt Angle hits as the arena is darkened. But it’s not just a video, Angle is in the Impact Zone! He’s wearing his ring gear as he comes up through the stage (ala Mysterio, but without the Mexican jumping).

 

Angle and Joe are face to face in the ring and without either speaking a work, Angle headbutts Joe and follows up with an Angle Slam. Joe’s been busted up hard way, but he gets up and hits a leaping Enziguri followed by a Kokina clutch.

 

Jarrett runs into the ring to steal his belt back as Angle and Joe continue to go at it, both looking pretty even in this fight. Security is out to try and break it up as the show ends.

 

I’ll admit, I marked out. Good thing I had a box of tissues ready beside me for … I mean, I just got over a cold, I swear!

 

Great way to end the show. They air a Fozzy music video as they do their highlights. Don’t get too excited though, it doesn’t look like Jericho will be wrestling in TNA.

 

And for those of you who are Angle marks like me, you can find my tribute to him HERE.

 

Bound for Glory Card:

 

X-TITLE MATCH: Senshi vs. Sabin
MONSTERS BALL: Joe vs. Runt vs. Abyss vs. Raven w/Jake Roberts as Ref
8-MILE STREET FIGHT: Rhino vs. Cage
6-SIDES OF STEEL/NWA TAG TITLE MATCH: LAX (Homicide y Hernandez) w/Konnan vs. Daniels and AJ
AMW vs. Team 3D vs. The Naturals vs. The James Gang – added at the end of Impact

CAREER vs. TITLE: Sting vs. JJ w/Kurt Angle as Special Enforcer

 

 

So that is it folks, just like that I’m done. I feel good, but kind of dirty, just like I had sex with an ex-girlfriend. She’s all yours again, Bullfrog. Wipe her down and she’ll be good as new!

 

Be sure to check out the main page. My good friend Joe has made a LIFE ALTERING alteration in his life. It’s comedic gold, so check him out. Plus, Sean’s updated the entertainment section where he makes movies so bad they’re funny even more funny. Only Sean could do that.

 

So, until we meet again (probably in a dark alley where you’ll offer me oral sex for $5), take care. Hey, who says I don’t know my readership. As always, I remain,

 

Remy

 Send Feedback to REMY

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.


 TNA Impact Report
British Bullfrog

 

10.12.06

 

Hey there wrestling fans and welcome to another Impact recap! I'm taking a break from watching every episode of Lost on DVD to recap this show, it's fine though 'cause I can get all the stupid storylines and unrealistic characters I need right here. Except of course for the one who was a raving drug addict. Unless Angle does make his debut this week, of course. Now I've made the compulsory opening joke let's get on with the show.

Samoa Joe is in the ring to talk about why he took the belt from the jackass Jeff Jarrett. Doesn't he realise 'jackass' is a forbidden word in the Impact zone after the response those skits got. He says he stole the title because he is more legit than anyone who has ever held it, yet he's never won it. He says he'll give it back to the winner of the Bound For Glory match providing he gets a title shot. Christian Cage comes out and wants to know if Joe thinks he didn't deserve the title, Joe replies in the affirmative and Christian gets all cranky and challenges Joe for a ladder match. Joe excepts and I think we have a main event to look forward to.

Jeremy Borash is here with LAX, standing in front of a Mexican flag. Before they can cut a promo reminding us that, yes, they are Latin American AJ and Daniels run in and kick the shit out of them. That'll show them for being Mexican.

They brawl right out into the Impact zone then into the ring. Styles and Daniels get the advantage as Daniels hits a pescado on Homicide. The teams brawl in the crowd and LAX use the fence around the spanish announce table to isolate Daniels who can't get out. Doesn't he know, it's easy as hell to get into Mexico but if you wanna get back in you better be prepared for at least an hour of passport control. Hernandez and Homicide beat the holy hell out of Daniels as we cut to a video package.

It's a Sting/Jarrett video package to be precise, and then Ron Killings pimps the match. Now Rhino's supposed to do the same but he just yells at Christian then gores a plant pot. Or not.

Bobby Roode is in the hizouse to reveal his new manager. Oh no wait, we won't, he's going to tell us at the PPV. Here's a novel idea: a match.

CHRIS SABIN. SONJAY DUTT, JAY LETHAL & SHARK BOY vs. THE PAPARAZZI, LOW KI & PETEY WILLIAMS
Jerry Lynn tells that bunch of jackasses that the fan's think they're a bunch of jackasses. Chrudat. Shelley and Lethal start us off with Lethal getting the early advantage. Low Ki distracts him though and Shelley hits the low blow and tags in Williams who gets hit with a dropkick from Jay. Shark Boy gets the tag and bites Williams in the ass, tee hee, Dutt and Devine are in and Dutt hits a moonsault. Devine tags in Low Ki who hits a back elbow on Dutt and stomps on Petey's nuts. Devine comes back in and hits some knees, a snap suplex then misses a kneelift and gets hit with a dragonrana. Sabin gets the hot tag and hits a tornado DDT and gets a two count. Everyone goes ape-crazy and gets in the ring, Sabin hits the La Mijistral on Dutt for the win.
WINNERS: The Paparazzi, Low Ki & Petey Williams

Oh noes! It's Kevin Nash! He's wearing an X Division shirt and says that the devision has sucked since he left. Next week he'll be holding a press conference for the upcoming Kevin Nash Invitational X Division Gauntlet Match. Russo's hiring was evened out by Angle's coming but this has officially blown the sucks/rocks balance out. Another Sting/Jarrett video package and then a second match.

THE DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH w/ SIMON DIMOND vs. RON KILLINGS & LANCE HOYT w/NO CHANCE OF LOSING
Killings and Hoyt get attacked before the bell and Killings gets tossed out of the ring. They use a nice combo thing on Hoyt and then we cut to the back (?). Brother Runt, Abyss and Raven are shouting the odds at eachother and trying to rally against Samoa Joe. Back to the ring and Hoyt hits the Diamonds with a double lariat, Killings gets the tag and hits a flatliner on Young. Elix goes for the sneak attack but The Truth hits dropkicks on both the Diamonds. Hoyt hits an F5 type move and Killings hits a sunset flip for the win.
WINNERS: RON KILLINGS & LANCE HOYT

Post match Killings shakes Elix's hand.

Another Sting/Jarrett shillfest with Kip James ranting on Double J. BG James interrupts him and calls him an ass. Why would he defend Jarrett after JJ he claimed BG's songs for his own back in the day. Looks like they'll be splitting up The James Gang, they were never as good second time round anyway.

The drug addicted nutcase box is indeed ticked as we see a pre-taped inteview with Kurt Angle. He talks about winning six WWE title and being told he wasn't all that special. Yeah they...they didn't push him at all. He says he jumped ship to TNA because he had nothing left to do in the E and everyone in TNA had the 'eye of the tiger'. He acknowledges he was addicted to extra strength vicodin but apparently he swears he's sober. Yeah, right, and I have better things to do than sit in a dark room and write this recap. He also says TNA has 'doctors on him 24/7', seems a bit drastic for someone who's supposedly clean. Angle claims Vinnie Mac told him that 'and Olympic gold medal and a cup of coffee don't mean shit' and tells Vince to watch what happens now he's in a company that doesn't mind employing a raving addict (not in those exact words). Christ he sounds bitchy! Still some good footage though, get a watch of it if you can.

SAMOA JOE vs CHRISTIAN in an UNSANCTIONED LADDER MATCH
They trade punches to start and a big old shoulder block by Joe. The belt is hung above the ring, I assume they put it up there themselves seeing as it's unsanctioned. Christian grabs a ladder and Joe does a totally sweet suicide dive in to it. After commercials there's a ladder in the ring and Christian is stamping on Joe's face. Christian props the ladder up in the corner but he gets whipped right into it. Joe boots the ladder into Christians crotch and you just know that hurt. Joe starts climbinb but Christian hits an inverted DDT off of the ladder. Double KO, you know what that means! No not an MS paint picture, that's James Walker, it means I go downstairs and make a sandwhich. I'm back and Christian once again moves the ladder into the corner and climbs it but Joe revocers and throws him off into the ring. And Joe sends the ladder down on Christian with a senton! SWEEEET! Christian hits Joe with a ladder and Christian starts to climb but gets cut off by Joe who then hits a kick to Christians face while Christian is on the ladder, if they were in the Hammerstein you just know there'd be a 'this is awesome' chant going down. Joe's about to grab the belt but then Abyss runs in and hits a black hole slam on the man from Samoa. Abyss goes after the belt but Raven and Spike appear and powerbomb the monster off the ladder. Then they start fighting eachother until Abyss pulls Raven out and they brawl outside of the ring. Spike hits a cross body on both men from the ladder, nice spot. Christian starts to climb the ladder again, I almost forgot about him, and he grabs the belt. Joe climbs up after him and also grabs it, then Rhino runs in and gores Christian allowing Joe to snatch the belt.
WINNER: SAMOA JOE

Not a bad show this week, and there was absolutely no Jeff Jarrett! Not a bit! I'm going to go praise various gods from various religions (I don't want to risk upsetting whicever the real one is or he'll give Jeff the belt back) for this act of mercy. Or maybe I'll just sit on my fat ass and watch Lost.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: No Jarrett and the main event, Christian always delivers in a ladder match.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Didn't see the point in those Jarrett/Sting hype packages.

Until next time, Frog Minors, good day to you all.

Send feedback to British Bullfrog


 TNA Impact Report
British Bullfrog
British Bullfrog

10.05.06

 

Hey there wrestling fans and welcome to another fun packed TNA Impact Rant! This week mathematicians every where have been in outrage over TNA's claim that there ring has '6 side's but only one angle' and Samoa Joe still has the world title. You can't keep the title away from a manipulating bastard, just ask Bill Goldberg. With the HHH cheapshot safely under my belt we'll get on with the show.
 
 
Jeremy Borash opens the show with Jim Cornette. Cornette is shouting at some wrestlers about all the big stuff going down in TNA. He says that because of all the things that are happening in the promotion, the loser of a match between the jobbers will get thrown out of the company. If you get kicked out of WWE, there's always a TNA spot but if you get kicked out of TNA, you're days are numbered, sunshine. Then Abyss and Father Mitchell walk in and the evil reverend strikes a deal with Cornette, if Abyss can get the NWA title from Samoa Joe then he gets the first title shot after Bound For Glory. Cornette agrees and calls Mitchell 'the sleaziest man he knows'. Ba-ZING! And our first match is going to be a tag team match scheduled for one fall...
 
 
FRANKIE KAZARIAN & MATT BENTLEY vs TEAM 'For the last fucking time we're not The Dudleys' 3D
 
Shane Douglas is providing guest commentary with the Naturals. Bentley and Brothery Devon start us off the crowd is hot hot hot for Team 3D. Devon hits back elbow then a clothesline thena an elbowdrop for a count of two. Beltey fighs back with some punches and tags in Kazarian, they both get clotheslined by Devon and Brother Ray gets tagged in. Bubba gets the suplex and a few elbows before going for a cover. Kazarian gets the chops in the corner as AMW and Gail Kim come out to spectate. Back in the ring Kazarian hits Bubba with a bicycle kick. I've never seen a bicycle kick someone, but I doubt it looks like that. The James Gang come out as well. Bentley dropkicks Bubba and makes a tag and Kazarian choking. I never get why that's illegal in wrestling matches. You can turn him upside down and drop him on his head, you can chuck him about thirty feet out of the ring though the table but choking?! Well that's just dangerous. Team 3D get the 3D and the win. Not a bad match and a pretty good start to the show.
 
WINNERS: TEAM 3D
 
 
Ray's on the mic and talks again about how they're working their way up from the bottom. They challenge any team out there to a show down and Hard Justice. Devon testifies.
 
 
Rhino's cutting a promo, which means we're either getting a classic or some boring shit. He's standing in Detroit and says pretty much nothing. It'll be some boring shit then.
 
 
Back to the ring and James Mitchell and Abyss are standing in the centre of it. Mitchell says either Samoa Joe comes out or Abyss is going in their to get him. Joe comes out. They really need better security over there, fans get beat up every other week and now the title belts been stolen. If it becomes any more of a crime zone they'll be renaming it TNA iRELAND! Anyways Joe eats a chokeslam and Abyss gets the belt back. Jarrett comes out to get it but pisses Abyss off. Abyss attacks Double J and then goes after Joe but the dude from Samoa hits a powerslam and leaves with the belt. Jarrett....taken down....cleanly....damm I need a lie down.
 
 
Christy Hemme tells us someones gonna get fired later on in the show. Hopefully not by fax.
 
 
We see footage of LAX injuring AJ in Mexico City. They beat him down as he's cutting a promo with some big trophy. He gets punched a lot and sort of falls down. Goddamm Mexicans, first they do a lack lustre job on my lawn and now they cant even beat a man down properly. I hope the guys at my local Mexican don't read that line, they spit in my tacos enough already.
 
 
LAX vs TYLER BLACK & JEFF WATSON
 
Not much point recapping this blow for blow, as it's a total squash. One of them gets a Hama-Chan Cutter and the other gets a Crucifix Toss and that'll be the last we see of Tyler & Jeff. They didn't even give them music. Or maybe I just can't hear it.
 
WINNERS: LAX
 
 
Christy Hemme poses the question: 'Who is leaving TNA?' The suspense is killing me. If you count 'mild interest' as suspense, and as a wrestling fan you pretty much have to.
 
 
LOSER LEAVES TNA
 
ERIC YOUNG vs NORMAN SMILEY vs SHARK BOY vs DAVID YOUNG vs ELIX SKIPPER
 
Apparently this match is because there's too much 'dead weight' on the TNA roster. Damm straight, 230lbs of dead weight known as Jeff Jarrett. The crowd are chanting 'don't fire Eric'. Larry Zbyszko is at ringisde to distract Eric Young and Shark Boy goes after him. Sharkboy reverses a wheelbarrow necbreaker and goes for the Diamond Dust but Young blocks it. Eric gets hit with the Irish whip and Larry catches him with a golf club and Shark Boy roles him up for the victory. Did...did they just fire Eric Young?
 
LOSER: Eric Young, and those of us that enjoy being entertained.
 
 
The aforementioned 230lbs of dead weight and Christian are being interviewed in the back. Apparently they have to team up in the main event, Jarrett rambles incoherently for a bit, saying how the new timeslot was down to him, until Cage cuts a promo on him telling him to shut the hell up.
 
 
RON KILLINGS & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS vs. JEFF JARRETT AND CHRISTIAN CAGE
 
Chain wrestling from Jarrett and Daniels to start us off, then JJ gets some kneelifts in the corner. Daniels flips out of an armbar and gets a leg lariat for a mighty count of one. Another kneelift and Jarrett tags Cage, but Christian gets caught in a drop toe hold and Killings gets tagged in. Double arm drag and elbow drops on the man who formerly reeked of awesomeness. Killings hits a powerslam and then does the obligatory 'knock teh other heel of the apron' thing. Christian throws Ron out of teh ring and commercials. We're back and Killings is getting pounded and, indeed, grounded by the heels. Jarrett tags himself in and hits a sitdown splash. Killings comes back with a very botched suplex-y style move ('you fucked up, you fucked up'). Killings gets the hot tag and Daniels comes in and knocks out all the bad guys. He goes up top with Christian and goes for a superplex but Homicide runs in and hits him with a slapjack. Christian sets up the frog splash but Jarrett steals the pin. Cheeky.
 
WINNERS: Christian & Jeff Jarrett.
 
 
I just realised we haven't had a single normal rules one on one match in this show yet. Anyways Christian and Jarrett have a tiny little stare down but then JJ calls Samoa Joe out. Joe comes in and attacks Jarrett but Jarrett dodges him and grabs the belt. Then we have a ROAD RUNNER CHASE AROUND THE BUILDING, with Joe painting a highway and running down it but then Jarrett smashes into it. That...didn't happen at all. In actual fact Christian attacks JJ from behind with an Unprettier and steals the belt. Then Rhino comes out and gores Christian the hell out of there. Three people having the belt in three minutes, what is this the Attitude Era? Joe grabs the belt in all this confusion and steals it again. Jarrett then sits dejected in the ring and Mike Tenay goes, 'Oh Jeff, you so cerazzy!'. That didn't happen either.
 
 
We're going to have a winner of the manager search next week! So a new face for TNA? Well, the WWE have been firing quite a few people lately.
 
 
Well that is all and all is that. But you don't have to brave the dark scary outside world, oh hell no, because there's tons of other great material right here on The Wrestling Fan.com including killer recaps for Raw, Smackdown and ECW. Also, if you haven't already, you really should read Sean Carless's inhumanly hilarious Unforgiven PPV rant.
 
 
That's all from me. Stay classy, San Diego. That is to say, Wrestling Fans. 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).