Ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion. I’ve been missing from this site for far too long, I know. Truth is I’ve been hiding in a cave, in a deep meditation, to focus my writing energies and become a master. That was pretty boring though, so I’m really glad I brought a stack of Playboy magazines with me.
I’m excited as hell to be back doing this week’s Impact Recap, but have no fear, your regular guys, whatshisname, will be back next week. I’m just kidding, the British Bullfrog does a great job and I’m more jealous than I’d like to admit. But seriously, what the hell is a British Bullfrog anyway? I’m guessing it’s slang for some form of VD.
I’m not going to ramble in the introduction though. So let’s get right down to business … right after I take a huge steaming shit. But you won’t even know that’s happened because obviously the writing doesn’t keep going when I’m in the washroom. So, amazingly, you’ll be none the wiser that I’m going to go “drop the kids off at the pool.” And I’m back. World record for fastest shit it must seem to you, eh? Just ah, don’t go into the washroom for a good 30 minutes, even though hours will have past by the time you read this.
Wow, I spent WAY too long on a dookie joke. Let’s move on.
NOW is the time of Impact’s Beginning!
Clips from last week’s show are shown, including the Angle interview that sparked many online speculations about Angle’s choice of toothpaste. Or his sanity. Whatever.
Tenay announces that “management” has decided that if Joes doesn’t return the Heavyweight belt tonight, he’ll be fired. Oh noes, I see a feud between Joe and … who’s the boss over at TNA, Dixie Carter? Joe could reform (D)XXX and fight the (wo)man using juvenile humour! I smell ratings. No wait, I left the washroom door open, sorry.
Now there’s a random three-way between Raven, Abyss, and Runt. You know the drill: punch, punch, kick, Black Hole Slam, file some taxes, punch, punch. The real story here? Jake the fucking Snake Roberts. This guys got one foot so far in the grave he can talk to his dead snake in the afterlife. Apparently, snakes can speak English there … or something. Good thing he brought a new snake. I guess not all pets can be like Lassie, who must have lived for 40 years. Oh, what’s that you say? You mean … there’s no Santa? YOU BASTARD!
After he scares off Abyss he gives Runt a DDT. I don’t know why. Guess he really didn’t want to be a referee. Could you imagine if real life worked like that?
“Hey Remy, can you do the Impact Recap this week.”
Remy grabs Sean in a head lock and performs a vicious DDT.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Guess my version went a little different.
Backstage we see Kurt Freakin’ Angle get out of a limo. Seriously, I think that’s his middle name.
There’s a vignette for some dude named Austin Starr. PROTIP: If this guy doesn’t wear a wife-beater to the ring, something is terribly wrong.
Christian Cage vs. Norman Smiley:
So apparently this is an “Orlando Street Fight” match. Who knew all those old people loved street fights
so much they have their own “
Ah, should also mention that Smiley is decked out in a football uniform. It might as well be a French maid’s
outfit though, for all the good it does him. HA, I hope you just got a visual of Smiley in a French maid’s outfit and
Unprettier followed by the One Man Conchairto leads to the pin for Cage. Very short match.
For some reason Cage then tries to put Smiley in a straight jacket (borrowed from Angle?) but Sharkboy is out for the save. Shark gets his ass kicked though and is almost given the straight jacket when Rhino comes out. This time, Christian runs.
Eric Young is facing Larry Zybsko in a loser gets fired type match. Eric says Joe says he won’t give the title back. I bet this went like a game of “Telephone” though, with Joe originally saying “now where did this 12” black dildo come from?” Followed by, “Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s Jarrett’s.”
Backstage. Video Games. Pointless segment. Lethal, Dutt, Lynn, Senshi. Ah, Jay Lethal takes on Senshi next. I guess that’s what all this was about.
Jay Lethal vs. Senshi:
Okay, this kind of pissed me off. I like Lethal; think he’s a great wrestler. And Senshi’s good too, but I don’t think he needs to squash (literally) Lethal like he did here. Ah … don’t mean to go all op-board on you there. Fart, poop, penis. That’s better.
Senshi hits his Ki Krusher after Lethal misses a head butt, and that’s all. This match was not even two minutes long. If this match were in inches instead of minutes, it would just barely be longer than William Regal’s penis.
After the match we get another beat down. Sabin comes to make the save and gets his ass handed to him as well.
Paparazzi Productions does some hype work. Nash has been funnier. Like when he tore his quad.
The upcoming PPV is hyped. I’ll include the card at the end.
A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels & James Gang vs. LAX & AMW:
Clusterfuck to start with everybody going at it. After a commercial break in the early goings of the match we have Hernandez and Daniels in the ring. BG breaks up a Dragon Sleeper as Styles and Harris are tagged in. AJ’s kicking all kinds of ass and hits a sweet Asai DDT on Homicide. Harris gets nailed with a Pele, but Storm is in to nail Styles with a Superkick. There’s some confusion between Harris and Homicide that allows Styles to roll Homicide up for the win.
LAX turns on AMW after the match, even hitting a Border Toss on Gail. Hell of a bump for her to take. I’d like for her to take a bump from me. Does that even make sense? Intercourse. I would like to have sexual intercourse with Gail Kim.
That joke turned out way creepier than I had intended. Notice how I didn’t change it though, teehee.
Sting vs. Jarrett is hyped.
Samoa Joe comes out to the ring now for the final segment of the show. Will he return the title belt? Tenay has some documents for Joe and it’s not made clear what they are. Doesn’t matter though because Joe tears them apart and refuses to return the belt.
A video for Kurt Angle hits as the arena is darkened. But it’s not just a video, Angle is in the Impact Zone! He’s wearing his ring gear as he comes up through the stage (ala Mysterio, but without the Mexican jumping).
Angle and Joe are face to face in the ring and without either speaking a work, Angle headbutts Joe and follows up with an Angle Slam. Joe’s been busted up hard way, but he gets up and hits a leaping Enziguri followed by a Kokina clutch.
Jarrett runs into the ring to steal his belt back as Angle and Joe continue to go at it, both looking pretty even in this fight. Security is out to try and break it up as the show ends.
I’ll admit, I marked out. Good thing I had a box of tissues ready beside me for … I mean, I just got over a cold, I swear!
Great way to end the show. They air a Fozzy music video as they do their highlights. Don’t get too excited though, it doesn’t look like Jericho will be wrestling in TNA.
And for those of you who are Angle marks like me, you can find my tribute to him HERE.
Bound for Glory Card:
Senshi © vs. Sabin
MONSTERS BALL: Joe vs. Runt vs. Abyss vs. Raven w/Jake Roberts as Ref
8-MILE STREET FIGHT: Rhino vs. Cage
6-SIDES OF STEEL/NWA TAG TITLE MATCH: LAX (Homicide y Hernandez) w/Konnan vs. Daniels and AJ ©
AMW vs. Team 3D vs. The Naturals vs. The James Gang – added at the end of Impact
CAREER vs. TITLE: Sting vs. JJ © w/Kurt Angle as Special Enforcer
So that is it folks, just like that I’m done. I feel good, but kind of dirty, just like I had sex with an ex-girlfriend. She’s all yours again, Bullfrog. Wipe her down and she’ll be good as new!
Be sure to check out the main page. My good friend Joe has made a LIFE ALTERING alteration in his life. It’s comedic gold, so check him out. Plus, Sean’s updated the entertainment section where he makes movies so bad they’re funny even more funny. Only Sean could do that.
So, until we meet again (probably in a dark alley where you’ll offer me oral sex for $5), take care. Hey, who says I don’t know my readership. As always, I remain,
Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).