If
you missed the last few weeks of NWA TNA Impact, go HERE. If
you missed both TNA’s last PPV and their last several weeks of TV, you probably aren’t reading this, either. In that case, I can safely say that your mother uses her hand on sailors to earn crack
money. RECAPITATION: NWA TNA Hard Justice PPV Now
then, time for the countdown show hosted by Jeremy Borash and Don West. Mike
Tenay joined them for the open. No Shane Douglas or Scott Hudson tonight for
some reason. One fan sign taunted “Worst Wrestling Ever,”
while another fan held up a black armband with the word “CANDIDO” on it.
For some reason, they still call the They
replayed the outstanding sitdown interview with Tito Ortiz, where he put over the business in general and TNA in specific. From there, a nice feature aired hyping the XD Title match tonight, with Christopher
Daniels defending against Shocker. A) Shark Boy pinned David Young to win a spot in tonight’s Gauntlet match at JB
did more shilling while one of the TNA models stood next to him, overacting to everything he said while never speaking. She acted like a mime and looked like a transvestite.
If that wasn’t enough, directly behind them in the crowd was this guy with a red shirt who looked like a composite
of every stalker’s mugshot you’ve ever seen at the Post Office. Very
disturbing, indeed. Terry
Taylor (who could pass for Jerry Springer’s stunt double) interviewed Jarrett.
Do you realize that between the two of them, that’s like 27% of the surviving WCCW wrestlers? Jarrett demanded to know where Tito Ortiz’ dressing room was.
The tension was underwhelming. JB
and DW closed the countdown show with one last preview, including the first official announcement that Outlaw & Monty
Brown would face B.G. James & DDP on the show. Sure, The
PPV opened with a classy tribute to Chris Candido. The Impact Zone was empty
with a lone spotlight shining down on a chair set up in the ring. The chair displayed
one of the NWA World Tag Title belts, Candido’s trademark towel, and a photo of the man.
A 10-bell salute commenced. Very, very, VERY well done. This was a major credit to TNA and everybody who works there. Sahadi’s
“Hard Justice” feature taught us why humans are so violent. Also,
it showed a guillotine blade dropping without giving props to the Recapitation. They
are, like, SO getting sued. One fan sign for Candido read, “NO GIMMICS
(sic) NEEDED: THE WORLD NEEDED YOU.” 1) Petey Williams & Eric Young (w/ Coach Scott D’Amore) beat Aportion & Sucky Siucki at
“Earlier
tonight” a limo pulled up, delivering Tito Ortiz to the Zone. From there,
we saw clips of both A.J. Styles and Jeff Jarrett walking in. The hell? The REFEREE gets a limo, but your champion and challenger have to walk to the building? Nice priorities, you dongs. 2) Michael Shane & Trinity beat Chris Sabin & Traci in a mixed tag match at The
announcers plugged the next PPV, Slammiversary ( Tito
Ortiz met Dusty Rhodes, who officially gave him his referee shirt for the evening. This
segment is destined to go down in history as TNA’s first drinking game. Every
time one of them says “Hard Justice,” take a shot. Brain cells are
overrated, anyway. Terry
Taylor interviewed Raven. So we have a raven and a rooster. Now we just need “Birdman” Koko B. Ware and Road Warrior Hawk, and we’ll have enough
guys for one of those corny “theme” Survivor Series teams from the early 90s!
Anyway, Rave buried the hell out of Hardy, saying that he didn’t have the balls to face him tonight. Hardy, by the way, was suspending for no-showing this event. 3) Raven pinned Sean Waltman (replacing Jeff Hardy) in the “House Of Fun” match at As
The Kru Turns was recapped, focusing on the Outlaw stirring up steph amongst the 3LK.
Backstage, DDP was mad because B.G. James sent his cell a message that he was having “travel problems”
and wouldn’t make the show. I don’t blame DDP for being upset. On my plan, it costs ten cents every time I reply to a text message. Fortunately, Ron Killings just happened to wander by and vowed to defend the honor of the 3LK by teaming
with Page and working for four guys in the subsequent tag match… 4) Monty Inc. (“Alpha Male” Monty Brown & “Outlaw” Monty Sopp) beat DDP & Ron “The
Truth” Killings (replacing B.G. James) at They
aired a pre-taped sitdown interview with Mike Tenay and The Naturals. Everyone
solemnly put over what a great guy Candido was and how he will always be the “third Natural.” This may be the controversial hot topic of the week, but they made an angle out of things, implying that
“another legend” reached out to the Nats. Personally, I thought it
was done tastefully enough, but all the same, I think I’ll be avoiding certain message boards until the heat dies down
and everyone starts complaining about Judgment Day next week. As for their new
mentor, my gut says it’ll be Tammy, but her gut may prevent that from happening. 5) NWA World Tag champions The Naturals (Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas) beat Backstage
again, David Young tried to keep Ortiz out of Jarrett’s dressing room. His
level of success in doing so was consistent with that of his character. Monty
Brown was leaving Jarrett’s room just as Ortiz met the champ. We can only
wonder what Jarrett said about his “POUNCE” trunks behind closed doors. 6) XD champion “Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels pinned Shocker to retain the title at What,
no more episodes of “The Wacky Backstage Adventures Of Tito Ortiz”? I
thought for sure we’d see him meet the popcorn guy and the dude who runs the t-shirt booth and vow to both that he would
“deliver hard justice” for the 284th time tonight. 7)
Abyss won the 20-man #1C Gauntlet For The Gold at 26:50. Order
of entry: 1.
Bobby Roode 2.
Zack Gowan (TNA spelling) 3.
Eric Young 4.
Cassidy Riley 5.
Elix Skipper 6.
Shark Boy 7.
“A1” Alistar Ralphs 8.
Chris Sabin 9.
Petey Williams 10.
Sucky Siucki 11.
Lance Hoyt 12.
Michael Shane 13.
Jerrelle Clark 14.
Mikey Batts 15.
Outlaw 16.
Trytan 17.
Ron Killings 18.
Aportion 19.
B.G. James 20.
Abyss Gowan
was a surprise entrant at #2. I’ve gotta wonder how the newly-formed booking
committee sussed out this one. “Hmmm, who can we bring in that would be
an even bigger surprise than Phi Delta Slam??” For those of you unfamiliar
with the man and his legend, Zack lost a leg to cancer, but he still followed his dream and became a pro wrestler. Oh yeah, and his wealthy mother spoiled him rotten. As Gowan
hopped back onto my screen, I suddenly found myself wishing that Sucky Siucki would have just one more match in TNA. Ah well, it’s not like I don’t have half a hard drive full of unused Gowan
jokes from 2003. I still wanna see the spot where his opponent hits a big move,
but Zack manages to unstrap his prosthetic leg and toss it across the ring so that it lands on the bottom rope, thus forcing
the referee to stop the count. See? Told
ya. Anyway, Zack was the first man eliminated, but I’m not going to do
the “I thought BOTH feet had to hit the floor” gag because everyone else already has or should. Sabin
hit his tornado DDT on Roode, kicking off of everyone in the ring in doing so. That’s
gotta be the best-looking totally improbable spot in wrestling. “TNA”
chant. Long recap short, Team Insane
pop for Hoyt’s entrance. The guy is suddenly crazy over for some reason. He press-threw Eric Young to eliminate him, then cleaned house on the rest of TC. Shane entered by hitting Outlaw
came in and zeroed in on Hoyt. Outie gave Batts a spectacular cobra clutch slam,
then obliged the fans who chanted “one more time.” A couple Impacts
ago, Batts carried Coleslaw to his best TV match in years. This was his reward/punishment,
I guess. Outlaw pitched Batts as Trytan entered as the “Designated Diesel”
of the match. Shitean ran amok, laying out everyone. Killings entered and ate a nice press into a powerslam from Trytan.
As Trytan celebrated, the hosers Cannucked-up on him and ejected him from the match.
Aportion entered and whiffed a superkick on Hoyt. Outlaw lowbridged Aportion
soon enough. B.G.
James was the surprise #19 entrant. Didn’t they just do the thing where
BG was the last “surprise” entrant in a match on their last PPV? BG
and Outlaw had a brief staredown before both getting attacked by other guys. Hoyt
eliminated Roode with a big boot, but Roode did the “sore loser” bit and pulled Hoyt’s hair, allowing A1
to give the match a Hoytectomy. Fans didn’t like that at all, but it was
the right kind of heat. From there, the focus shifted to BG and Outie running
the ring. The announcers talked about their history as a tag team, leaving out
the part that they actually never had a tandem finisher. Tonight was actually
the most teamwork they’ve ever showed together if you don’t count them pushing a dumpster off a ramp. And you shouldn’t. In a clever spot, they casually threw
out the last two members of TC and had yet another staredown. They’re going
to set some sort of staredown record this year, if they haven’t already. This
time, however, the entering Abyss double-clotheslined them both over the top to postpone their angle and set up Abyss vs.
Killings as the final. Good, smart booking.
After the Traci swerve, tonight was not the time to pull the trigger on another turn, reunion, or whatever they wind
up doing with Dogg Ass. Killings
did a nice job of playing the lionheart against the fresh monster. After getting
pounded on, Truth had a hope spot with a sweet leg lariat, but Abyss caught him with a big boot. Abyss tried to bring in his chain, but the ref confiscated it. The
ref took a minute to remove the chain from the ring. Dude, it’s not that
difficult. Just throw the damn thing away.
During this, Abyss brought in a chair, but Killings got the drop on him and used the chair first. Ref bump set up a spot where ‘Byss chokeslammed Truth on the chair for a nearfall. Abyss tried the old Earthquake sitdown splash, but Truth crotched him with the chair. They blew it the first time, but got it right on take two. From
there, Abyss caught Killings off the second rope in a black hole slam for the pin. Fans
now wave their arms while chanting, “Whoooooooa…go Abyss…Whoooooooa…go Abyss.” It had its moments, but this was nowhere near as good as the Gauntlet match on their first PPV. Then again, that one came down to Kazarian (who left the company) vs.
Hector Garza (who was fired). (David) 8) A.J. Styles pinned Jeff Jarrett
to win the NWA World Title at Borash did the ring intros after their entrances, a la Japan/ECW. Tito broke up a shoving match, then gave the guys their instructions.
Fans chanted “Fuck him up, AJ, fuck him up” out of the gate. Jarrett
stalled Zbyszko-style. AJ controlled until Jarrett caught him with a press into
a gutbuster on the knee. Jarrett worked the leg and eventually slapped on the
figure-four. As they squirmed, both men scooted their butts around on the mat,
not unlike a dog with a bad case of worms. AJ reversed it, and Jarrett made the
ropes. When Jarrett was on the floor, AJ leapt onto the apron, setting up a nice
spot where JJ clipped his leg. As AJ tried to re-enter the ring, Jarrett kept
knocking him off the apron. Tito finally caught Jarrett and choked him back to
the other side of the ring. AJ yanked Jarrett outside, where Jarrett shoved him
into the post. Jarrett grabbed his guitar, but Tito wasn’t having it. AJ snatched the guitar and stopped just short of accidentally kabonging Tito. Tito scolded AJ, who ultimately destroyed the guitar against the post to take it out
of the game. That was good. Back
inside, AJ hit that great springboard forearm of his, followed by a spinkick. AJ
hit a sloppy quebrada DDT for two. The lads escaped each other’s attempted
finishers. A slew of nearfalls followed, then a double-sell. The guys danced, culminating with Jarrett hitting AJ with his own Styles Clash for two. Follow-up saw AJ counter Jarrett into his own stroke for two. AJ
set up for the Styles Clash yet again, but Monty Brown ran-in and mistakenly pounced Jarrett.
Shoulda read his ass when you had the chance, Jeff. As Tito was ejecting
Monty from ringside, AJ had Jarrett pinned. Another ref ran-in and started to
count, but Tito yanked him out of the ring. AJ confronted Tito, who shoved him
into a low-blow from Jarrett. The fans groaned and so did I, fearing the worst. Jarrett set AJ for a superplex, and shoved away Tito (which the cameras missed). Jarrett again shoved Tito, so Tito KO’ed Jarrett with one punch. AJ climbed to the top and brought back his old “spiral tap” flippy-dippy dive for the pin. AJ and Tito shook hands, and Tito raised his hand.
Fans popped HUGE as Tito strapped the belt on “The Phenomenal One.”
This was far below the level of AJ’s usual PPV match. Good in some
spots, outright boring in others (Jarrett seemed to be sandbagging it). For this
match, fans came to see the result more than the match itself, so they went home happy.
The show ended as AJ celebrated to a standing O. (David) PPV MVP: Sean Waltman. No one really outshined
anyone else, but Sean deserves special commendation for having a good garbage match on almost zero notice. PPV LVP: For the second month in a row, it can only be Sucky Siucki. Making me sit through TWO matches with him on one PPV has pretty much soured me on the TNA pay-per-product
for now. The guy can’t even walk to the ring anymore. But on the plus side, at least he didn’t kill anyone tonight.
(Far as I know, anyway.) Overall over-analysis: This was both TNA at its best (Candido tributes/Traci turn) and
its worst (Sonny Siucki/Phi Delta Slam). Unlike past PPVs, there was no “must-see”
classic, nor anything so terrible it totally stunk up the joint (by comparison, Lockdown had both). The mixed tag turn and Tag Title matches are keepers, but nothing else really made me feel vindicated for
throwing my money at them. The show was largely just a backdrop to put the belt
on AJ, and even though his win wasn’t squeaky clean, it was the right move for the right guy. That alone was a major step in the right direction for the future of this company. This
Observer’s Thumb…………………..is neutrally in the middle. -HDS- THE CLUSTER-PLUGGER: So
where does TNA go from here? Find out in the latest Impact review over here. Before
the WWE’s month-long rostershmazz, I take a look back at how last year’s draft played out. That hits the Shmazz on Remember
the best match of Raven’s career? It was part of the memorable “ECW Gangsta’s Speaking
of ECW, their “One Night Stand” PPV also gets Recapitated on Go
read Sean’s brilliantly off-the-wall “Raw Is Star Wars” piece immediately. His photoshops get passed around like Lita when the ECW roster
needed a urinal, but there’s only one place to see them as they were meant to be seen, in all their hilarious glory.
Before we get started here, I’d just like to publicly thank TNA for putting on a show
with the single gayest name in PPV history. “Hey, Sean, come on over Sunday! I’m getting hard, just us! Hello? Hello??”
They recapped the Jarrett-Styles history, followed by the excellent Sahadi feature on “The
Phenomenal One” that aired on the
Siucki tripped as he was walking to the ring.
Jokes about Candido’s ghost continue to run wild throughout the industry.
West called the Team Canada guys “former tag champs.” And
last month, Shane Douglas said that Petey & Eric were the CURRENT “tag champs.” Memo to TNA: Petey Williams & Eric Young were NEVER your tag team champions together. Eric & Bobby Roode were, but to date, Petey has never held your tag title. Assbags. Aportion botched a lucha launch early, causing the
fans to boo the holy hell out of the babyfaces. To be honest, I kind of resent
them putting Siucki in an unadvertised match on the PPV. His poorly trained ass
oughtta just be gone altogether. My mild annoyance turned to seething hatred
when, at
Terry
Taylor interviewed Team I’m really not trying to sound like Warrior with all the homophobic jokes tonight, but
the fact of the matter is that DD’s tee proclaimed “One Jack Off,” while Brown’s trunks had the word
“POUNCE” printed in large text right on his ass. They used this match
to plug the fact that DDP has his second book coming out this year. I’ll
totally get behind this hype if they bring in Positively Kanyon for the obvious angle.
The fans chanted “Truth.” Okay. DDP is washed up, Outlaw passes out on the floor of restrooms and
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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