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Welcome to the Recapitation! Before we get up to our eyeballs in entrails, I've gotta give a HUGE shout-out to Jim Valley, of the regionally legendary "Total Chaos" show. In addition to being one of the funniest guys around, it was only through his support that I didn't just outright slit my wrists while watching this PPV. That's right, thanks to Jim, I'll live to review the "Best Damn Wrestling Event Ever" this week, and you know what, on second thought, fuck him. Anyway, it's time to put up orange cones everywhere so we can drop the blade on Victory Road!


Jeremy Borash and Shane Douglas hosted the pre-game countdown show. AMW cut a promo backstage. James Storm introduced the new worst catchphrase in wrestling, "Sorry about your damn luck." Was he trying to warn us? Jimmy Hart came out as the first surprise of the night. Jimmy taunted that he knew who Piper's mystery guest was going to be, but he wouldn't spill the beans. Disappointingly, Vince Russo did not leap on this opportunity to make one last "bean" insult toward the luchadores. Well, not on camera, anyway.

The feature that opened the show was put together quite well. It said A.J. Styles "could have been an Olympian, but his true passion is in the ring." Was that a shot at Kurt Angle? If so, it wasn't a very good one. Monty Brown played in two SuperBowls, but his heart is in the ring. Jeff Hardy "lives life like a rock star." Well, that's the first shoot of the night.

Announcers Mike Tenay & Don West welcomed us from ringside. Tenay channeled the ghost of Tony Schiavone with the "You are looking live at." spiel. That's how Tony opened almost every PPV he called. West thoughtfully wore a tin-foil shirt and tie that were suitable for baking a potato in, should the need arise. The lads then ran down tonight's PPV lineup. Um, guys? If we're watching this, we already bought the damn thing.

Finally realizing where his true talents lie, Shane Douglas was covering the parking lot all night, while Scott Hudson did the backstage interviews. Douglas was on the scene to see Jeff Jarrett's limo pull up out back. Jarrett looked anything like a World champion with a pair of day-glo orange jeans. My corneas still hate me for this.

1) Hector Garza won the 20-man XD Gauntlet at approximately 26:15 (no opening bell). I've gotta break this up just to make it easier on everyone's eyes.

Order of entry:

1. Kazarian
2. Sonjay Dutt
3. Puma
4. L.A. Park
5. Jerelle Clark
6. Miamoto
7. Michael Shane (w/ Traci)
8. Hector Garza
9. Nosawa
10. Mikey Batts
11. Alex Shelley
12. Matt Sydal
13. Sonny Siaki
14. Jason Cross
15. Shark Boy
16. Psicosis
17. D-Ray 3000
18. Amazing Red
19. Spanky
20. Chris Sabin

No Chad Collyer, who left the company. Dammit, you assholes! When I pay $30 to see Chad Collyer in an XD Gauntlet, I wanna see Chad Collyer in an XD Gauntlet! Guys entered the ring every 60 seconds. It was over-the-top battle royal rules until the last two men, at which point the match would end by pinfall or submission.

Miamoto looked like a bargain basement Great Muta. Cheap, guys. L.A. Park was the real story of the opening moments of this match. The announcers called him "La Parka" despite the trademark issues that force him to call himself "L.A. Park" nowadays. Ironically enough, the most heated struggle in this match was the former Parka vs. his current parka. The poor guy just couldn't get his damn jacket off to save his life. Jerelle started the highspot fest with his 630 splash on Puma.

When Shane hit the ring, he and Kaz teamed up to throw out Puma, Jerelle, and Miamoto, all in the space of about 10 seconds. Dutt tried to skin the cat, but Shelley dropkicked him to the floor. Kaz backdropped Park(a) over and out. The crowd booed, but it was the right kind of heat, as they were totally into the Skull Captain. Siaki was the designated powerhouse of the match, dominating more ass than an aggressive proctologist. Siaki gave Kaz a SICK backdrop into a corner. Kaz landed right on his head. Siaki gave Shane a nice throw into a Samoan drop, then ejected Nosawa.

Garza monkey-flipped Batts over the top. Cross came in and gave Siaki a ridiculous spinning headscissors where they twirled around like three times. Sydal missed a nice corkscrew Asai moonsault, then took a sick clothesline from Siaki, and a sicker brainbuster from Cross. Shelley had been on the floor, selling an injury. Then he popped up and illegally eliminated Sydal from the floor. Lemme get this straight: Shelley played possum just to get the drop on Sydal, who was probably #20 on everyone's list of favorites to win the thing? The hell?!

Nice "hey, I remember that guy" pop for Psicosis, who danced well with Garza. Just in case someone might ask, Psi had his famous horny mask back on again, even though he lost it in a hair vs. mask match to Billy Kidman on Nitro some years back. This is a rare example of bookers totally shitting on previous continuity.and me handing them a roll of Charmin in 100% agreement.

Traci and her rack saved Shane from elimination. D-Ray joined the match so he and Shark could do the afro battering ram spot. Both were soon launched over onto the apron, but they saved each other from the floor in a nice spot. Then they both stepped back in the ring and were sent flying over and out by a Siaki double-clothesline. That's the best they've booked D-Ray to date.

Red kinda limped-in. He's probably injured again. Cross shoved Shelley off the top rope, eliminating him. Well, the important thing is that Shelley screwed Matt Sydal. That's what people will remember about this match. It was about this time that the announcers started rightly putting over Kazarian as the ironman. Thankfully, Spanky came out and he's back to the shorts he used to wrestle in from his WWE days (as opposed to last Friday's Impact when he wore Maven-sized trunks). Spanky danced with Shane as Tenay did a great job of putting over their rivalry from their days in the TWA together.

Good pop for Sabin as the final entrant. Brief chant of "Hail Sabin" from the crowd. Sabin is perennially underutilized. He's good in the ring and the crowd is into him. Sabin hit his tornado DDT on Shane, kicking Siaki, Cross, and Kaz in the process. That's one of those moves that's a cred-killer if you really stop and analyze it, but it looks cool, so the fans like it. Siaki got gang-banged and was supposed to get eliminated by a Sabin/Spanky double-dropkick, but he totally fucked it up. The lads improvised, and a double-clothesline ejected him. Spanky gave Shane an awesome reverse-hurracanrana to eliminate Shane. Fans chanted "Spanky." Um, TNA? FEUD THE HELL OUT OF THESE TWO.

Time for the gratuitous you-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me spot. Hokay, let's see if I can make sense of this: Spanky and Red set up Kaz for a double-superplex off the second rope. Then Cross climbed up and grabbed Red from one side while Sabin climbed up and grabbed Spanky from the other side. So Cross and Sabin were going to belly-to-back superplex Red and Spanky respectively, while Red and Spanky superplexed Kaz in the same move. Then Chester confessed to the murder of Peter, but Jessica didn't believe him at first. Finally, Psicosis positioned himself under Cross, while Garza likewise positioned himself under Sabin. So when the move came crashing down, at the end of the day, Garza and Psi powerbombed Sabin and Cross off the second rope, while Sabin and Cross belly-to-back superplexed Red and Spanky, as Red and Spanky vertically superplexed Kaz. When they all came tumbling down, I called that move the "World Trade Center," which offended my entire party. Go me! Tenay called it the "Tower of doom." The crowd went apeshit for the move, and were on their feet chanting "TNA." Right here, it really looked like TNA was going to hit one out of the park tonight.

After that spot, you knew an "abandon ship" sequence was going to follow. Psi clotheslined Cross over the top. When Cross hit the floor, one of the refs angrily yelled, "Get outta here, Cross!" That cracked me up for some reason. Red took out Psi with an enziguiri, knocking him off the apron. Red hurracanrana'ed both himself and Kaz over the top to the apron, but Kaz kicked Red to the floor and saved himself. Spanky went for sliced bread #2 on Sabin, but Sabin shoved him over the top to eliminate him. Next was spot of the match as Sabin did the Kurt Angle Spider-Man climb to the top, giving Kaz a German superplex off the top and into Garza. Kaz is the fucking MAN. Sabin is pretty damn close. Garza crotched Sabin on the top rope, then dropkicked him to the floor, leaving Garza vs. Kaz as the final.

The announcers marveled at Kaz going the distance. If TNA gets its shit together, a couple years from now, we'll look back at this as the match that made Kazarian. Garza hit the best-looking high moonsault you'll see in 2004 for a nice nearfall. Garza was also wearing HHH's symbol on his trunks for some reason. Kaz hit a SWEET slingshot DDT for another nearfall. Garza rolled-through a reverse rollup attempt, then dropkicked Kaz to the back of the head. These two totally ruled. Finish saw Garza miss his corkscrew moonsault. Kaz Oklahoma-side-rolled him, but Garza rolled through for the pin. Garza was presented with a trophy which, shockingly, was not destroyed by one of the other competitors. Garza gave a ringside interview to the Spanish announce team about his victory, which they translated for us whiteys. Anyway, this was a good, fun opener and the crowd totally dug it. Sure was a bitch to review, though. (David)

They replayed Dusty's campaign ad, then Hudson updated us on the DOA voting. The voting, by the way, is sponsored by the video game "Backyard Wrestling 2." Yeah, that's the perfect sponsor for a wrestling PPV. Hey, TNA? You guys do know that we're not SUPPOSED to endorse kids killing each other in their backyards, don't you? Well, we're not. Anyway, Dusty has the lead at 54.8%. Hudson said that Dusty carried Texas, while Russo carried New York. Oh, for God's sake. No wonder Chad Collyer doesn't wish to be associated with this nonsense any longer. Hudson said there was a "web server breakdown" in Stamford, Connecticut, which was a shot at the WWE for Taboo Tuesday.

Hudson then brought in Kid Kash & Dallas & The Naturals to promo their upcoming 8-man tag match. Kash hijacked the segment and did a woot (worked shot) interview, calling the Nats "rookies." Kash went on to say he's a 15-year veteran and thus, the de facto captain of their team. Kash legit hates the Nats, as he feels that they didn't earn their spot. I'm putting it nicely. Go over to www.bbrownvideo.com and pick up the Kid Kash shoot interview immediately for all the TV-MA details. In the days leading up to this PPV, there was talk of having Kash vs. Ron Killings in a singles match, but Kash is perpetually in the doghouse, to the point where some didn't want him to have a PPV payoff at all. They eventually settled on the following 8-man match as a morale booster to give a payday to as many guys as possible. I think they should have just had Kash and Killings start the match. And end the match. And never tag out. See, then everyone would have been happy.

2) Ron Killings & Johnny B. Badd & Erik Watts & "Empire Saint" Pat Kenney beat Kid Kash & Dallas & The Naturals at 4:39. What a great way to debut Kenney's new gimmick; lost in the crowd of a clustershmazz. As Kash walked to the ring, he ripped up a sign that said "DUDE". Don't look at me, maybe a guy named "Dude" killed his parents or something. Watts was still wearing his "DOA" jeans from the time he was doing the "Director Of Authority" gimmick. You remember that one. They teased that they were bringing in "Eric" in a position of power, hoping idiot fans would buy the next PPV thinking it was Eric Bischoff. Even if they HAD Bischoff, does he mean anything for PPV buys? They used this match to point out that Kevin Nash was AWOL. The lads all dosey-doe'ed until they got to Watts vs. Dallas for the "big man" matchup. Ohhhhhhh, hell. Thankfully, they weren't in there long enough for the crowd to realize they were in the ring together. Dallas hit the move of his career when he missed a surprisingly good-looking moonsault on Kenney. Big ups to Big D for stealing the show. Killings finally got the hot tag, and cleaned house, giving Stevens an axe-kick for a nearfall. JBB hit the Badd mood (top-rope Frankensteiner) on Stevens that took waaaaaaay too long to set up. This led to Killings giving Stevens his "lie detector" finisher (pedigree knockoff) for the pin. Not good, but considering Erik Watts was involved, it could have been much worse. (Chris)

Douglas was out there stalking limos. He presumed Kevin Nash was in one, but couldn't get past the chauffeur, who insisted that Nash wasn't in the limo. Ten years ago, he was a cutting-edge champion who threw down the NWA belt in defiance. Now he's getting punked out by hired help. And people say there's no karma in wrestling.

They showed a night-vision camera shot of Abyss, who was apparently locked away in a room somewhere, masturbating. Well, the good news is that we finally know the stips for the Monster's Ball match. The bad news is that apparently, the stips are that the competitors were all locked away without food, water, or sleep for 24 hours. Excuse me for a moment.

WHAT THE FUCK??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even from a storyline standpoint, why the hell would anyone agree to this? "I hate you so much, I'm going to starve myself for 24 hours! That'll fix your wagon!" I guess we now know why they never bothered to announce these stips on the TV leading up to the PPV. Oh, and I should mention that if Raven, Abyss, or Monty had anything to do with that "Total Nonstop Interaction Weekend," then they would have exposed the business. The bastards.


3) Mascarita Sagrada pinned Piratita Morgan in the minis match at 2:58. Just plain awful. When the minis phone it in, you're in trouble. This match featured the worst victory roll spot ever by any wrestler of any size. The "big" comedy spot saw Mascarita pretend to be dead, prompting PM to convince the referee to pray with him. Mascarita then came back to life and freaked them both out. Great. Where were they when Ray Traylor needed them a couple months ago? Finish saw.ah, who cares? (kevin)


Dusty still has 54.8% of the vote. So basically, they updated us to tell us that nothing has changed. Not sure if it was intended as a knock on CNN, who didn't update the electoral votes for hours at a time on 11/2/04, leading to a perturbed Larry King asking Wolf Blitzer why in the hell they were stuck in neutral. It got ugly for a second. We can only hope TNA signs King vs. Blitzer for the December PPV.

Hudson then interviewed 3 Live Kru. Konnan said that they'd bring the gold home to the "3LA (sic) camp." Poor Killings didn't even get any mic time.

Back in the Impact Zone (well, I guess tonight, it's the Road Zone), Don West's shirt slowly turned purple. In preparation for the Thanksgiving Day parade, TNA then brought out their Scott Hall blimp. I kid you not, people. If he gained 80 lbs, 20 were in his face alone. I guess we know what happened to the 24-hours' worth of food that Monty Brown, Raven, and Abyss couldn't eat. I hereby dub him.CholesterHall. So CholesterHall came out and said Kevin Nash was a no-show (hey, just like Starrcade 97, when Nash was supposed to put over The Giant!). CholesterHall further stated that he invented the ladder match (bullshit, although he did win the most famous one at WMX). CholesterHall concluded, "May the best Jeff win." He didn't speak into the mic as apparently, his new manboobs prevented him from properly raising the mic to his mouth. Just as well. He probably would have eaten it.

4) Konnan & B.G. James beat Bobby Roode & The Other Guy (w/ Coach Scott D'Amore) to win the World Tag Title at 6:57. This was an important match, because I needed to freshen up my drink, balance my checkbook, and change my oil. Roode set B.G. up for the northern lariat, but Konnan grabbed his leg. B.G. went for his pump-handle slam, so D'Amore crawled in the ring. Killings ran-in and chased off the Coach, but it was enough to distract B.G., who broke up the move. Roode finally leveled James with the northern lariat (which the cameras missed), and went for an encore on Konnan, but K-Dawg sidestepped him and hit the K-factor for the pin (a faceplant which is a total ripoff of X-Pac's "X-factor," both in name and execution). The fans popped big, as they're into the 3LK. Lousy match that lived down to its low expectations. (Chris)

Next up was a night-vision promo from Raven. You know, the dark green effect that gives people Satanic glowing eyes. Raven did look pretty cool, I must say. Rave spoke a poem that was worse than any of Lanny Poffo's material, but still better than any of John Cena's rhymes this year. Raven quoted himself twice. Goddamn, these are the worst match stipulations in the history of man.

Russo's campaign ad was replayed. Don't worry, kids, it's almost over. Just think about stuff that makes us all happy, like ice cream, puppy dogs, and www.bigbreastlovers.com.

Time for "In The Pit" with Roddy Piper. Fans chanted "You're a legend" at Hot Rod. His mystery guest was Jimmy Snuka. Piper buried the X Division by saying the XD guys were good, but no one could jump off stuff like Snuka. Piper handed Snuka a coconut and wanted absolution in the form of Snuka hitting him with a coconut. Hey, remember when these guys were on the same Survivor Series team that one year? This would have been one hell of an angle to do back then. By the way, that was 15 years ago.

Anyway, Piper begged Snuka to conk him, but Snuka just stood there. He may or may not have pooped himself. As of press time, we still haven't received clarification. Piper went on to say that the original coconutshot had haunted him for years. So why didn't he just say that was why he became a junkie when he was on HBO last year? Had he done that, he would probably still be working for WWE today. Okay, maybe not. But I can guarantee he would have at least gotten to do one angle with Randy Orton. Hey, work is work.

Kid Kash interrupted the festivities. I dunno, if I were going to give someone a live mic on my first three-hour PPV, it wouldn't be a guy who just did a four-hour shoot interview ripping on how much he hated working for me. Seriously, guys, www.bbrownvideo.com. Kash saved the segment by calling Piper an "old fart" and ripping on Snuka for "falling off of a steel cage at MSG." Kash asked where was Snuka when he did a "20-foot-high hurracanrana through a table?" Kash said Snuka couldn't carry his jockstrap. There was actually a moment where I was scared for Kash as Snuka was eyeing him up and down. In Snuka's current state of mind, he could have looked at the person with blond hair standing before him and had a flashback, thinking it was his girlfriend. And we all know how THAT story ended. Kash tried to slap Snuka, who blocked him and chopped the hell out of him.

Michael Shane & Kaz ran-in and doubled on Snuka. Piper tried to help Snuka. Dutt made the save by taking down Shane & Kaz with an Asai moonsault, then double-clotheslined them over the top rope. Goddamn, how many bumps is Kaz gonna take tonight?! Kash gave Dutt a coconutshot, which made Piper go bonkers. Um, moreso. I guess not only did Piper fail to gain his redemption, but because he brought the smoking coconut into the ring, he was responsible for it happening again. Now he'll never quantum leap home.

It was kinda funny as Kash rolled out of the ring and went to Kaz & Shane for approval, asking, "Wha'd ya think? That was cool, wasn't it?" But Kaz & Shane were royally pissed at the Kay-Eye-Dee. They told him that it wasn't cool and "It's on you." Hey buddy, use all the tables, ladders, and chairs in the world, but no coconuts. That's not how we play. Kash protested that he wasn't the one who brought the smoking coconut into the ring in the first place. Yeah, that'll hold up in court.

This was an okay segment except for the fact that Snuka, the Pit's interview subject, NEVER ACTUALLY SAID A DAMN WORD.

Monty Brown was the final night-vision promo. I still can't get over what a stupid concept this is. I wasn't really paying attention, but I think Monty warned that there was nothing more dangerous than an Alpha-Male with a porpoise. Sick fuck.

A promo aired for their next PPV, "Turning Point" on 12/5/04. Hey, let's have a PPV with the initials "T.P." That will keep them from making fun of us!

Next up was a feature on Trinity, who promised a "New York knockout". She totally rules.

5) Trinity (w/ The New York Connection) pinned Jacqueline at 1:51. The NYC tried to cut a promo as the crowd chanted "Disco" at Glen Gilberti. Trinity yanked the mic out of GG's hand. Like I need another reason to worship her. They teased that no one answered the challenge. The NYC lifted her up on their shoulders and they posed, but Jackie ran in from the crowd and knocked 'em all down. Gilberti bumped his ass off for Jackie. Christ, between this and CholesterHall telling us that Nash wasn't there, this really IS 1997 all over again! Tenay pointed out it was just a few months ago that Jackie beat Chavo Jr. for the WWE Cruiserweight Title. TNA - Where the big boys play! The girls kicked at each other (badly). Finish saw Johnny Swinger snap Jackie's neck off the top rope, allowing Trin to hit a moonsault for the pin. Total crap, even though I got to look at Trinity for a few minutes. (Chris)

Dusty has increased his lead to 55.5% of the vote. Hudson was talking about contacting Jeb Bush when XXX did us a public service by interrupting this malarkey to cut a good promo on AMW. With Christopher Daniels, Elix Skipper, and Scott Hudson all standing next to each other, I amused myself by adjusting the tint on my TV set and pretending they were the Blue Man Group.

A feature aired to hype the Monster's Ball, including the ghost voice (Jim Mitchell?). Have I mentioned that I totally hate the stips for this thing?

6) Monty Brown won the no-DQ Monster's Ball match over Raven and Abyss at 9:25. All three guys acted like they were blinded by the lights at first, having just come from their respective caves. Sweet jerking Jesus, do I hate this match already. A mysterious figure in a black robe and hood was watching from the rafters. He never unmasked. I do know that it wasn't Roddy Piper, because his robes and hoods are all white. This was the hardcore car crash you'd expect it to be. Scary spot saw Monty throw a chair into Abyss' face, which then bounced off 'Byss and for a second, it looked like it was going to spiral into the crowd. Goooood, Yogi. Monty accidentally pounced the referee. Always great to have a ref bump in a no-DQ match. Assbags. Monty gave 'Byss a running powerslam, which the announcers put over huge. Fans chanted "pounce." Monty went for said pounce, but Rave kneed him in the back, allowing Abyss to hit the black hole slam. 'Byss covered Monty, but there was no ref. Abyss retrieved his sack and dumped out a bunch of thumbtacks onto the mat. Fans chanted "Holy shit." Um, Orlando? You're not supposed to chant that until someone actually takes a bump onto them. Just calm your asses down. Abyss tried to superplex Monty onto the tacks, but Monty held him off long enough for Raven to sneak in and powerbomb 'Byss onto his own tacks. The fans went nuts, and for some reason, they showed close-ups on some fans who were visably disgusted. A second ref ran-in to count Raven's pin on Abyss, but 'Byss kicked at two. Apparently, once someone takes that first bump into the tacks, they don't hurt anymore. Raven and Monty proceeded to dance around like the tacks weren't there at all. Rave set up a table in the ring against one of the corners, then knocked Abyss off the apron through another table at ringside. Monty then immediately pounced Raven through the in-ring table for the pin. Coulda been worse. I still can't get over how asinine those stipulations were. (Mike)

Douglas was still trying to get into the limo. He slipped and yelled "Goddamn." Maybe he just learned about the Monster's Ball stips, too. Don Harris came out and argued with Douglas, apparently because he hated the stips more than Douglas did. I had a similar fight with Jim.

Next was a nice feature on the "Total Nonstop Interaction Weekend." It looked like a good time was had by all. This was the best move TNA made all year, as it was a big step toward bonding with their Orlando fans.

Hudson interviewed XD champion Petey Williams & D'Amore. Hudson said that even though he was the champ, Petey was still considered the underdog. That's an old carny bit. When an announcer says the champion is the "underdog," that means "the champ is going over, even though the challenger is more popular." D'Amore threatened that if Styles won the match, he would go back to Canada, never to be heard from again. This news upset Petey, probably because it meant he'd have to cut his own promos.

7) XD champion Petey Williams (w/ D'Amore) pinned A.J. Styles to retain the title at 9:49. I told ya so, but I can't take all the credit for this call. They totally gave it away 15 minutes ago on their own PPV. As for "why," hey, I don't have ALL the answers. This was indeed total nonstop action. The lads opened fast by trading various kicks and rollups. The fans ate it up and asked for some to take home in a doggie bag. Styles hit that picture-perfect dive of his over the top to the floor. D'Amore took his expected cheapshots at Styles. Petey tied Styles to the tree of woe, then stood on his genitals and started to sing "O Canada." Great stuff. Fans loudly dueled with chants of "Let's go A.J." vs. "Let's go Petey." That ruled on so many levels. Imagine a classic match from the ECW Arena, only with better production values. Petey went for the anthem spot again, but Styles actually did a sit-up and gave Petey a German waistlock throw backwards. NICE. Styles gave Petey the Pele kick while Petey was on the apron. Styles hit the springboard forearm for a nearfall. Petey came back with a tilt-a-whirl counter into a Russian legsweep. Petey then did the "reel him in" spot, which is the setup for the Canadian Destroyer flip piledriver. The lads each went for their respective finishers, but no dice. Styles had Petey pinned with a reverse sunset flip, but D'Amore distracted the ref. Petey tried to use the hockey stick, but the ref confiscated it. D'Amore then tossed the XD strap to Petey, who gave Styles a beltshot for a nearfall. The fans popped huge for A.J.'s kick-out. I mean, to hear the pop, you'd think the babyface WON. Styles crotched Petey on the top rope and went for a superplex, but D'Amore grabbed Styles' leg and Petey shoved him off the ropes. Petey then hopped down from the second rope and hit the CD, all in one fluid motion. FUCKING AWESOME. Team Canada came out to congratulate Petey. Styles gave D'Amore the Pele kick, then bailed. Easily the show-stealer, though stealing this show was "petty theft." (Kerry)

You know, had they stuck with two-hour PPVs, the show would have ended here and we all would have been far better off for it.

They showed backstage footage of the Jeffs getting ready for their main event. Jarrett calmly taped up his wrist, while Hardy turned into The Incredible Hulk.

A feature aired chronicling the AMW-XXX war.

8) America's Most Wanted ("Wildcat" Chris Harris & "Tennessee Cowboy" James Storm) beat Triple X ("Fallen Angel" Chistopher Daniels & "Primetime" Elix Skipper) in the last-team-standing match at 11:12. Apparently, it was not only the old "Texas death match" rules, but it was conducted under elimination rules as well. Meaning that after a pinfall/submission, the victim has a 10-count to get back on his feet, or he's eliminated. When both members of a team are eliminated, the match is over. Tenay said that Storm had attended his grandmother's funeral earlier today in Tennessee. I guess that means match #3's "dead mini" bit was stupid AND tasteless. Storm superkicked Daniels with his bad leg. Sigh. AMW went for their "death sentence" finisher on Daniels (a top-rope guillotine legdrop; the Midnight Express' "veg-o-matic" move), but Skipper made the save. Harris came off the top and legdropped Skipper's head into the mat. Storm gave Daniels a move that looked somewhat like Nova's old "Kryptonite krunch" finisher and pinned him at 1:47. Daniels beat the count and the match continued. XXX took over with Skipper slamming his own partner onto Harris. Fans chanted "Fallen Angel." XXX gave Harris the powerplex (suplex/crossbody) for a nearfall. Storm got the hot tag and was in control until Daniels dropkicked his bad leg. XXX gave Storm a double-team suplex/powerbomb move, and Daniels pinned Storm at 5:33. Storm beat the count while selling his leg. Skipper tied up the ref so Daniels could again chairshot Storm's leg. Seeing as how that's like the 17th time XXX has done this to Storm over the last month, you'd think the guy would have started to wear thicker kneepads by now or something. Daniels pinned Storm at 6:07, but this time, Storm was counted out and eliminated. Daniels missed the BME (best moonsault ever), and Harris speared him for a nearfall. Harris knocked Skipper off the top rope into the guardrail and gave Daniels a legdrop (which the camera mostly missed). Harris pinned Daniels at 7:34, and Daniels took the 10-count to get eliminated, making it Harris vs. Skipper. Oh sure, it takes a chair to an injured leg to eliminate Storm, but a legdrop takes Daniels out of the game. Skipper legit hit his noggin on the rail, so just for good measure, Harris powerbombed him on his head twice. Someone at ringside kept screaming, "Take it home! This match sucks!" PT turned a suplex attempt into his "play of the day" finisher (which Carlito Carribean Cool ripped off), but he totally blew it. The fans totally turned on this thing, chanting "boring." PT brought a chair into the ring, but dropped it when Harris kicked him. Harris gave PT his "Catatonic" slam on the chair. Life imitated art because Elix actually WAS catatonic once his head brutally hit the steel back of the chair (as opposed to the flat seat of the chair). This gave PT a legit concussion, and once backstage, he didn't remember anything about the match. Harris "pinned" Skipper after the move at 10:50. Skipper actually kicked out at two, but the bell rang and they called it a pinfall anyway. This looked soooooo bad, but that has to be expected when one of the competitors gets his brain slammed against his skull. Skipper took the 10-count and the match was over. Daniels ran-in and attacked Harris with a chair. Storm ran-in and was similarly laid out. XXX handcuffed AMW to each other and laid in the boots. Security finally threw XXX out of the ring. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I think that when you're doing a blowoff match in a big feud, multiple falls kinda defeat the purpose of determining who's better. Suppose XXX got 9 pins on AMW, but AMW won the match with 2 pins. It kinda ruins down the whole "winners = better team" hype. Similarly, there was a "last-man-standing" match at this year's Royal Rumble with Shawn Michaels against HHH. Like this one, that was supposed to determine who was better, once and for all. Like this one, that also had multiple falls. Like this one, that too, was left inconclusive and their "real" final blowoff match was offered on a future PPV. I hated it 10 months ago, and with all due respect to these four, they're good, but they're no Shawn Michaels. Bad enough that they had no intention of delivering on the advertised stakes of this match (more on that below), but this match was just plain ill-conceived and fell apart like a prom dress. No real storyline or psychology. It was just highspot, pin, highspot, pin. What the fuck is this? ROH? (kevin)

Hudson interviewed Jarrett, who had nothing to say.

From the hexaring, Tenay announced that Dusty had won the election and was the new DOA. Backstage, a stonefaced Russo passed his pen and notepad to Larry Zbyszko, shook his hand, and walked off. It's funny, I tried the same thing with Sean last week, but he threw them back at me told me I'm not getting out of this gig. Appropriately enough, Dusty's first act as DOA was to basically tell us that the last-team-standing match to decisively determine who was the best team in TNA was a big scam. Dusty booked a "six sides of steel" cage match between AMW and XXX for the next PPV. Hail to the splotch!

A feature aired on Jeff 1, Jeff 2, Nash, the belt, the ladder, a partridge and a pear-shaped CholesterHall.

9) World champion Jeff Jarrett beat Jeff Hardy in a ladder match to retain the title at 18:34. I knew I was in for a doozy when Hardy showed up already spaced-out and ran back and forth, throwing all the ladders around the area into the ring. Actually, the ladders were supposed to stay in the aisles until one man could beat down his opponent and retrieve the ladder. That's the whole point of a ladder match. Borash did the ring intros once both were in the ring, like ECW and Japan. No Hall or Nash at first, and that's about the best thing I can say about this match. Speaking of spaced-out, this match deserves that treatment, too.

They did the same ladder spots you've seen a thousand different times, and done a thousand times better. Hardy was covered in green body paint for this match. As the match went on, it was like an old Ultimate Warrior match, not just because the painted guy was clearly legitimately insane, but because the paint started rubbing off on the other guy. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe Jarrett has just been in this spot for so long, he's finally getting moldy. Schreck Hardy (TM Jim Valley) was on offense for the opening minutes. Jim also correctly pointed out that if this match took place in the WWE, one or both would have to change their names because wrestling fans can only deal with one first name. So it would have to be William Hardy vs. Garrison Jarrett or something.

They did this one weird spot where Hardy used the ladder as pincers on Jarrett, then stood on his back. It wasn't really good or bad; just different. Jarrett eventually swantoned Jarrett (who was laying on the ladder) and went for the climb, but CholesterHall finally did a jiggle-in and gave Hardy the Razor's Outsider edge off the ladder. Good thing Hardy was already up there, because there's no way CholesterHall could have lifted him up off the mat for the move. Hardy set up the teeter-totter spot that made his career back at No Mercy 99. Alas, this time, the ladder clearly missed Jarrett by at least a foot, but he sold it anyway. THEN THEY SHOWED IT ON THE FUCKING REPLAY AND IT LOOKED EVEN WORSE!! In calling the replay, Don West, who didn't give me any ammo all show, excitedly yelled, "Great shot, guys!"

Credit where it's due, the crowd stayed hot and did the "dueling chants" bit again. CholesterHall yanked Hardy out of the ring and laid in the hambones. Hardy no-sold and ran back in the ring to shove Jarrett off the ladder. Jarrett was supposed to crotch himself on the top rope, but it didn't quite work out that way. It looked like he could have torn his hamstring, but he was fine. As Hardy climbed, Jarrett pushed him off the ladder and onto CholesterHall. CH was supposed to catch Hardy. Key word: "supposed." Hardy set up a chair and hit the poetry-in-motion to the floor on both Jarrett and CholesterHall. Hardy then dragged a super-huge ladder out from under the ring and set it up on the floor. The Jeffs each climbed a side of the ladder on the floor (um, why?), and what followed was a big spot where the ladder toppled over onto CholesterHall, sending all three sprawling for a second. I say "for a second" because Hardy popped right up and ran back in the ring. Then poor Jarrett had to jump up and go chasing after him. All that was missing was the "Benny Hill" music. Oh, and don't worry about CholesterHall. His new organic body armor protected him from harm.

The Jeffs then did the side-by-side-ladders-in-the-ring bit. Hardy kicked Jarrett low and went for a sunset powerbomb, but Jarrett totally fucked it up. He just kinda hopped back off the ladder, landing on his feet. THEN he took a bump. I can't fucking believe I watched this. To his credit, Tenay covered for Jarrett as best he could, claiming Jarrett blocked the move. What followed next inspired me to invent a new word:

Jefflexia: When two Jeffs don't learn from their first fuck-up, go for the move again, and fuck it up even worse the second time.

The lads tried the sunset powerbomb again, this time from the apron to the floor. They blew it AGAIN, and again, it was Jarrett's fault, but who's gonna tell him? Hardy went for the climb again, so CholesterHall brought a chair into the ring. Hardy gently kicked it into his face. A VanDaminator it was not. Hardy gave CholesterHall the twist-of-fate, but rather than sell it, Hall did a squat-bounce and then popped up and did a little jitterbug dance type thing. Those Cliqueheads are the masters of not putting the other guy over.

Jarrett went for the kabong as Hardy climbed again, but Hardy kicked the guitar away. So Jarrett instead gave Hardy a chairshot and started to climb. Then some really horrible techno synthesizer music hit and Kevin Nash did the world's slowest walk-in with a guitar in each hand. West surmised that he was bringing one for Jarrett and one for CholesterHall. CH, by the way, mocked Nash by pointing to his watch. Looks like the Outsiders started the post-show party well before the show started. In the most anticlimactic turn ever, Nash immediately handed a guitar to Hall, not even teasing for a second that he was aligned with Hardy. I could almost hear the spirit of Bobby Heenan asking, "But who's side is he - Fuck it, where's the bar?"

Hardy was about to grab the belt when Jarrett, Nash, and CholesterHall each took a turn giving Hardy a laughably-bad kabong. It looked like an independent film piñata party from hell. And no, I didn't skip a step. The viewing audience was given no clue as to why we magically went from Jarrett on the ladder to Hardy on the ladder. It was more important to show Nash do his amble-in. If Jarrett was about to win the match, why did Nash - who turned out to be on his side - interrupt him when he was climbing the ladder? Anyway, once Hardy had been kabonged into No Career Land, Jarrett grabbed his title and won the match.

Kevin Trashed took the mic and said Hardy was green with envy because Hardy was standing next to him earlier at the urinal. I'm not making this up. Nash-hole further said, "Oh yeah, it's us. We take over and we take all the money!" And you thought WWE morale was bad this week. The Oldsiders threw out the clichéd open challenge.

God bless him, A.J. Styles came out still selling the Canadian Destroyer. Styles threw out a series of kicks, and in my mind, I thought "Okay, A.J.'s career will be coming to an end in, there's the big boot." 3LK ran-in and were all laid out by JJ and friends. That's right, people. Despite being fresh as daisies and having a four-on-three advantage, the babyfaces still got murdered. Does this remind you of anything? It should.

But wait, it's not over yet! The parking lot cam showed us an ominous pair of black boots exiting the limo. A warbling version of "Pomp And Circumstance" hit and out walked former WWF/WCW World champion and gangsta rap icon "Macho Man" Randy Savage. He looked like a cross between a hobo and a water buffalo. All these months, Monty Brown tried to tell me that TNA was really the Serengeti, and I mocked him. Monty, I owe you an apology. And your company owes me 30 bucks.

Now let's be realistic, here. I know there are a handful of PPV main events that were worse than this one (like the Doomsday cage match at Uncensored 96, for example), but this match was still right down there with the worst of the worst. And when you factor in the ramapercussions of the fact that between their first three-hour PPV and the exposure from "Best Damn," this is easily the biggest week in TNA history, and therefore, this match will probably turn out to be more damaging to a company than any other PPV main event ever. Still wonder why I call this column "Clustershmazz?" (kevin)

PPV MVP: Kazarian. How many other guys this year have gone coast-to-coast and carried 19 guys to an entertaining battle royal? Well, okay, Chris Benoit. I'll give you that one. But the point is that the XD Gauntlet was a tremendous showing by Kaz, and the no-brainer pick for best performance of the night. It wasn't lost on the hot Orlando crowd, who gave him a standing O for his effort after the match (which didn't make the air for some reason). PPV LVP: CholesterHall. I'm no fan of Hardy, but there is absolutely no excuse for CholesterHall going out of his way to sabotage Hardy by making a mockery out of his moves. Dishonorable mention to his buddy who stands next to guys at urinals.

Overall over-analysis: Not only did this get me to swear off any future TNA PPVs, but now I don't even wanna watch Survivor Series next week. Or any more wrestling for a while. That's it, I'm gonna lock myself away and go without wrestling for 24 hours. TNA should personally thank every fan in attendance because the red-hot crowd helped make this thing a lot more watchable than it really had any right to be. It's a cliché, but a hot crowd can help a show while a tough crowd can kill one. Remember SummerSlam 04? The XD stuff was good, but the rest was a waste of time. The Clique bitches are as bad as ever and it looks like they're gonna add another promotion to the kill count. I'll really be surprised if TNA is still around at this time in 2005. Victory Road turned out to be a dead end, and from someone who genuinely wanted this company to succeed, it's a damn shame.

This Observer's Thumb......is WAY down.



This week: Oh, and don't worry about Randy Savage; he's already done with TNA. More on this next week. But if you actually WANT your Macho quota filled, who am I to judge? You can go to the Vault and read about his disastrous outing as a VJ for Coliseum Video here.

For all intents and purposes, we saw the official end of CholesterHall's career on Sunday. If you want to see the beginning of it (as far as the big stage, anyway), head over to the Vault and read my latest "real" Coliseum review.

Next week: I never learn. We'll see if the WWE can "top" Victory Road with their latest Survivor Series. Well, they probably already have, but what the hell, we'll feign suspense. It'll get Recapitated all the same.

Also next week, the second half of TNA's "biggest week ever" gets reviewed. In addition to getting caught up on Impact, I'll take a look at the abortion that was "The Best Damn Wrestling Event Period."

The following week: Blade goes up, blade goes down. Blade goes up, blade goes down. "The Rise And Fall Of ECW" DVD set takes its turn under the slice-and-dice of the Recapitation. And after the last seven days, WE FUCKING DESERVE IT.

December: There's still one more "Behind The Pyro" to go in 2004. And you spell it H-B-K.

Right now: Keep checking with Sean on the main page for all the latest firings around the world of sports wrestletainment. After this week, there can't be enough for my tastes.

The self-proclaimed "Trivia MANGOD" has been writing about wrestling off and on for 14 years and counted. Harry has written for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and had trivia pieces posted on LAW and Wrestling Observer;

*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).