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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/14/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Get yourself a snack and sit your ass on down, it's time for another edition of Deadface Walking, the only column read in high-definition. How is that possible? HTML's come a long way, kiddies. As always, I am Catherine Perez, the columnist who is scraping the proverbial barrel when it comes to witty introductions. Well, this week sure has been a crazy week for pro-wrestling. As crazy as it is, though, it's a real bitch for me, a columnist who reports news and rumors (more emphasis on the rumors, I suppose), to comb through various news sites throughout the week and find that there is only ONE "important" story to report. Blame Vince McMahon and his shit-eating Smirk of Doom for that. Now, that brings us to...

I'm assuming Vince McMahon's, uh, "death" would be the biggest story this week. Honestly, I'm all for getting a McMahon the hell off of my TV screen, but what the hell? According to WWE.com, Vinnie Mac's limo explosion has been attributed to a car bomb, which, I hear, is MUCH deadlier than the cancer that was reported to be part of the Crazy McMahon storyline [/bad attempt at sarcasm]. Who could have done such a despicable thing~?! Actually, you know what'd be freakin' hilarious? If this whole thing turned into some kind of 2Pac death theory angle, complete with Vince sightings in the Bahamas. Anyway, back to who could have offed Vince. I'm 99.9% positive (give or take 98.9%) that the evil fiend behind the bombing is none other than Smackdown General Manager (and Diva Search mack daddy) Theodore Long. Ain't no pasty-ass muh'fucka gon' be tellin' a brotha that he can't mack it to Kristal~!1 B'lee dat. As funny as it sounds, there are actual reports of wrestling fans believing that an actual death was televised for the world to see. If that were the case, those two guys who were sitting outside on the lot would have started screaming bloody murder and calling for help, wrestlers and officials would have run outside, the camera would shift over to King and J.R. so they could address us in Somber Voice, and CNN would have confirmed Vince's death by now. In actuality, the stunt was taped on late Saturday night and spliced into the live footage, and no one was harmed. Calm down, kids. Christ, there were even over fifty phone calls to the Wilkes-Barre Police Department regarding the bombing - many of which might have been from reporters looking for funny quotes - as well as hundreds more to WWE. While this angle will more than likely unravel into a whodunnit like "Who Shot J.R.?" (as you all know, it was me), I'm sure Vince'll be back in a few weeks on a wheelchair, half his face scorched a la Harvey Dent/Two-Face, sporting some fancy new cancer from the gas and fire fumes or some crazy thing like that. TAKE THAT, SOPRANOS~!

WWE's been on quite the insult streak as of late, as far as their magazines go. In their History of Champions magazine, there is a bit on champions who didn't deserve their title wins. Within it is human eyebrow Maven Huffman, who was a three-time Hardcore Champion. Says the magazine, "Folks, there was nothing hardcore about Maven." How positively EVIL! Well, I'd have to agree; Maven is to hardcore as pudding is to extreme. The magazine goes on to insult the Headbangers ("painted posers"), Oklahoma ("a tubby wannabe legend") and Madusa ("a washed-up lady wrestler in chaps"). Ouch. In WWE Magazine, their warehouse portion uncovers an old WCW Thunder logo sign, along with the following:

"Who could forget WCW's late '90s B-show WCW Thunder - where you could catch such titans as Horace Hogan and Lash LeRoux duke it out to see who could make viewers change the channel the fastest? And now the sign - now in its rightful place, forgotten on a junk heap in northern Connecticut - was there for it all."

Oooh, burn~! WWE Magazine sure stuck it to WCW, now defunct for years! Honestly, what exactly does ripping on a dead company do for these people? Probably the same thing ripping on WWE's B-show, Smackdown, does for me and many others. I'm sure that, many years from now, we'll be reading:

"Who could forget WWE's God-awful B-show Smackdown - where you could catch the Matt Hardy and Joey Mercury Best of 74,523,945 Series, "X-Pac Heat Magnet" Mike Mizanin wasting everyone's lives, and the Boogeyman eating cancerous oatmeal cookie growths off of a woman's face? The giant Smackdown fist - now in its rightful place, permanently lodged in Michael Cole's ass - was there for it all."

Stomper the Kangaroo (biggest ring rat I've ever seen) is now road kill! This brain fart from the minds of those oh-so-creative TNA dudes was used last month to pump the crowds up and all that good stuff. Hey~! Isn't that what the wrestlers are there for? Freakin' duh. Kangaroos aren't even good mascots for wrestling. What we need is Vince Russo and Dutch Mantel on a pole, in cheerleading outfits, crying for mercy. Believe me, it'd get the crowds pumped. I'm out of my seat and clapping just from thinking about it. Honestly, though... leave mascots to sports teams and high schools. Speaking of which, back in high school, we didn't even have an animal. We had a stupid
lancer. We'd never get a Disney Channel musical made about us...

Shane McMahon may have to play babysitter for the Jackass gang until SummerSlam is over with, the poor bastard. Steve-O has been pissing a lot of people off in the backstage area, especially on June 4th when he brought a camera crew and secretly (how is bringing a camera crew into an arena secretive?) filmed wrestlers going over finishes, and creative team members going over promos and matches with the wrestlers. Oh no, now everyone's going to know the truth about the wrestling business~!111 Steve-O attempted to film some wrestlers changing outfits (please don't tape William Regal), but was caught. The Jackass vs. WWE match was nearly scrapped before Shane made the save by talking Vince (LOLZ isn't he dead~?! Man, it's hard mixing kayfabe and backstage shit in this column) out of cancelling the match. The Jackass members signed for the angle are Steve-O (obviously), Wee Man, Ryan Dunn, Bam Margera, Chris Pontius and Preston Lacey. Honestly, if WWE seriously wanted a little ratings spike, they'd have Bam act as the leader of the crew; then all the prepubescent teen girls would tune in weekly to see what happens to their precious skateboarding star. Johnny Knoxville, who's usually the star of the Jackass shows and films, is still in talks with WWE about the whole thing. I'll admit that I'm a bit of a closet Jackass fan, but even I can't help but think that this angle's going to bomb harder than a WWE Films DVD viewing party inside a dynamite storage facility in Hiroshima. Stay tuned for the next chapter in the "Shane McMahon: What the Shit Have I Gotten Myself Into?" saga.

Attention indy wrestlers and future one-night-only jobbers: get the hell away from WWE's catering area! A number of indy wrestlers at the 6/5 Smackdown tapings were helping themselves to some food when John Laurinaitis arrived like a bat out of hell and yelled at them for eating. I'm sure it went something like: "HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing?! NO FOOD FOR YOU! Only wrestlers who've paid their dues can eat around here! GO STARVE OR SOMETHING!!!" Also, since the 6/5 tapings took place in Orlando, there was a worker in the arena who also helps TNA with their backstage errands. Johnny Ace singled the guy out by saying something to the extent of "WWE would never send their employees to eat from TNA's catering~!111" It was at that moment that Mark Henry and Viscera began to whistle suspiciously before disappearing into the Smackdown locker room.

Some pervert was arrested on the night of June 8th in Lisbon, Portugal for touching Candice Michelle's breasts. Good going, Lawler; now EVERYONE's going to know that you lust after young women. Oh... it wasn't Lawler? And you already know he lusts after young women? Wow. I learn something new every day. With so many men in WWE carrying bologna tits (I'm looking at you, Mark Henry...), this anonymous perv that isn't King could've, at the least, grabbed a handful of manboob and had the same experience that might have ultimately led to his arrest. I'm sure men would take it as a compliment, though. "See that? Dude just touched my tit. People love me." Anyway, it's not cool to touch a Diva's boobs, guys, or any woman's boobs for that matter. You think they won't feel your gentle touch, considering all the silicone in there? They do. It's overinflated, not numb to the touch. What you have to do is give 'em a nice compliment - something that isn't "I'm conducting a field test of how many women have pierced nipples" or, God forbid, "I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right LOLOLOL~!!" Ugh.

The buyrates for Backlash are in, and it appears that the show did a disappointing 190,000 buys (approximately), and is now the least watched WWE PPV (not counting December to Dismember Myself) since 2004. Yes, lower than 2006's No Mercy with its 195,000 buys. Then again, the 190,000 buys are a preliminary estimate, so, who knows? Maybe it'll bump up to 190,001 buys. Great job on your first tri-brand show, WWE. Great job.

Out of three writers that WWE hired weeks ago, two were recently fired. Ric Garni, a sports broadcaster and huge Ric Flair fan, supposedly didn't fit in well. Well, I'll be damned. George Wellingford, a Hollywood writer, exposed the fact that he had no clue as to where he was or how things work in WWE, and thus was given his walking papers. The idiot was backstage at Raw, going around telling wrestlers "see you tomorrow at Raw." Who hired this guy?! It's shit like this that makes me wonder if Stephanie truly is qualified for her job. Hollywood writers with no wrestling knowledge are the reason why wrestlers like Shelton Benjamin and Cryme Tyme never get a decent push. We're watching low-quality bullshit written by assholes like Wellingford, who don't know a single thing about the shows we watch, and the folks at WWE actually have the nerve to wonder why we're not liking the stuff. What's next, a fuckin' kangaroo running around the crowds?

This week's least important news bit of the week goes to the toymakers at Jakks, who have cancelled its X-Pac action figure for the Classic Superstars series. No reason was given out, but I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to know why. Domestic Abuse Barbie would sell more than an X-Pac action figure. A Brokeback Mountain playset would sell more than an X-Pac action figure. Baby's First Chainsaw would sell more... well, you get the point. I don't know a single soul who would shell out twenty dollars for that thing. What can you possibly do with an X-Pac action figure anyway - play Free Clinic?



Now that that's over with, it's time to move on to...



In a pre-recorded interview, conducted just days before his "death" (lolz0rz), I sit down with the man who had brought you such memorable moments as Wrestlemania '85, the Attitude Era, the... InVasion... uh, Mae Young giving birth to a hand, Triple H's Reign of Doom, Viscera going out with Trish Stratus... Trish barking like a dog... Katie Vick... um, Emo Kane... and other stuff I'm uncomfortable with speaking about... Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Vince, really, it's an honor to have you here to share your unbridled wisdom with the Wrestling Fan fans. How are you doing today?

McMahon: My name is Vincent... Kennedy...

That it is. Vince, you have brought us so many memorable moments, and many others that we can't forget, no matter how hard we try. Would you care to explain the kind of thought process you go through when you're brainstorming for ideas to entertain wrestling fans all over the globe?

McMahon: As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain, but that's just perfect for an Amish like me. You know, I shun fancy things like electricity!

Did you just quote Weird Al's "Amish Paradise"? Dear God. Anyway, let's talk about what's been happening with you recently. In the last few days, you have been accused of being a complete nut case, mentally deranged, a raving lunatic, absolutely bananas, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, not right in the head, out to lunch, having a few screws loose, mad as a hatter and... totally off your rocker, as we saw on last Tuesday's ECW on Sci-Fi. Vince, I must ask... do you honestly think people want to see you ranting and raving like a complete loon? Why won't you just go home? You're obviously in dire need of a vacation.

McMahon: Do you own a championship belt?

Uh, no... why?

McMahon: I'm booking you in a match against Umaga and the Great Khali for the Women's Championship.

WHAT?! You can't do that to me! I'm not even a wrestler! I'm not even your employee! I don't even have the belt... I don't even REMEMBER who has the belt!

McMahon: You're just saying that to trick me. I know you're the Women's Champion, damn it, and I'm... (excruciatingly long pause)

...did this guy just go catatonic on me? Look at him, he actually froze in mid-blink and everything! Where's Linda? HEY, MRS. MCMAHON!

Linda: You rang?

Yeah, my interview's going up in flames and it's all Vince's fault! I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind seeing him burst into flames, the bastard!

McMahon: CHICKEN TITS! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (He then runs away.)

Jesus Howard Christ... I swear, if you stand close enough to Vince's head, you'd hear the ocean. Folks, I guess that's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot. Thanks a lot, Vince, you ass. Check back next week for what should be an exciting double interview with "The Animal" Batista and... Josey Scott of Saliva? Help me.

Thank you for reading Deadface Walking, kiddies. Remember that all questions, comments and death threats are to be directed to my e-mail inbox or
MySpace. Make sure to check out this week's updates from Cameron, Sean, and Gersh, all available on the main page. I'm Catherine Perez, blonde popstar slayer, and I need to find a new barrel of witty intros and outros.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).