BACK-LEG FRONTKICK: SUMMER OF SEAN! (06/09/06) FEATURING: TWF TRUE That's
right Fuckies, the day you thought would never come has arrived! And No, you're
not finally getting laid you poor hapless bastard, but the "Two-Time Fanny
Award Winning" column of chocolaty ice cream goodness, The Back-Leg
Frontkick has returned for a limited time, for
your...enjoyment? I don't know. What I do know is that as of this moment, The
Summer of Sean is *OFFICIALLY* here. This is gonna be my time. Time to
taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The
Summer of Sean! Wait, I already said that part. Well, too bad I'm saying it
again! (and ripping off Seinfeld). Anyway, some of you might be
saying, "What is this Summer of Sean he speaks of?" And although I really know
none of you is really saying that, just play along anyway. You see, TWF's own
James
Walker and I have opted
for the Summer to trade places. So you see, he'll now be rich and
exceptionally good looking. Ok, we're only trading jobs, whatever. But I
just wanted to use that joke, so sue me. In any event, our friend Mr. Walker
will be recapping the Summer PPV's and I will in turn be returning to write
semi-regular columns and satires (Like This!) and by "semi-regular" I mean whenever I want. Deal
with it. So, with that said, "The
Summer of Sean" will basically just be me throwing together various brain farts
and passing it off as a column to amuse myself. The topics will vary, although I
am planning to take one exclusive look at the 2006 Divas Search in my typical
mean-spirited fashion (as I did last year, Click HERE) as well as doing another
"Completely Random News" piece, once again like I did last year (Click
Here). So stay tuned or
something! And before we get into the
thick of things, my condolences to the family and friends of John Tenta, who
passed away yesterday. I always thought a lot of John Tenta and actually
received an email from him earlier this year after he read one of my satires
linked through my good friend Derek Burgan at Wrestlecrap. The irony
of this situation is that I was actually planning earlier this week on
posting a mock WWE Films movie (as seen HERE. )
featuring Earthquake in this very column, for which I hope he would have
gotten a kick out of. It was a mock up of the upcoming 'Snake's on a
Plane' film, only rechristened "'Quake's on a Plane" and would
feature Mr. Tenta being called in to stop the plane full of reptiles by
utilizing his patented snake squashing technique as seen here. So, with that said, Rest in
peace, big guy. And God's speed! Onto the
column! TWF TRUE
News has recently came down
the wire that Kane is contemplating retirement in 2007; deciding that perhaps
he’s accomplished all that he’s ever wanted to in the sport. And why not? Right
now, Kane is on top of the world. He’s one of the most consistently “over”
wrestlers in history; he has a successful movie out (firmly planting himself as
one of the all-time great on-screen masturbating serial killers), and he’s
amidst an angle that seems to be catching everyone’s imagination. I mean, just
who is this “new” Kane? A demon conjured from Kane’s tortured psyche? Someone
from his past, attempting to seek vengeance? Queen band member
Brian May? The possibilities were
endless. However, as of yet, we have no idea. All we do
know is that Kane is once again the center of attention. But what we don’t know
however is many details about Kane himself. You see, WWE has seen fit to only
release small details about the character’s past, with often revised canon
contradicting what we’ve already been told. But hey, that’s where TWF comes in.
I recently dispatched the full TWF News team to seek out as many “facts”
as they could, in hopes that we could FINALLY fill in the many blanks in Kane’s
history, and perhaps shed light on WWE’s version more so. Here’s what we’ve
discovered: IN THE
BEGINNING The one consistency in Kane
& Undertaker’s back story is that both parents were incinerated in a fire,
and that Kane himself was caught in the blaze, but managed to survive. From
there we have conflicting versions at to who started the fire, with everyone
from Kane, to Undertaker to Paul Bearer all allegedly starting the blaze. With
that said, we here at TWF have discovered TWO different theories, and we’ll
leave it to you, the reader to deduce which is more likely plausible. But first, in order to
properly tell the story, we have to go back to the beginning. You see, the
Callaway’s were a normal All-American family, albeit with the ability to
regenerate their bodies from grievous bodily harm and propel lightning from
their fingertips. Other than that though, just like you and I. The family
patriarch was a man named Royce Callaway, professional mortician by
trade and weekend underground shoot-fighter. As the inventor of MMMA
(Mixed-Mortuary Martial Arts) Royce was in the unique position that if he
accidentally choked his opponents to death, he was able to cut out the
middle-man and just embalm the body himself free of charge. Anyway, shortly after getting
married, Royce soon learned that his beloved wife was with child, and as such,
he decided to finally buckle down and open his own funeral parlor in Nine months later Mrs. Callaway gave birth to healthy 85
pound baby boy, whom baffled doctors alike by being born wearing what appeared
to be full tights. As Kane grew older his parents were baffled by the infant’s ability to stand
in his crib and ignite all four corner posts ablaze at once. This ability
coupled with his tolerance for pain was said to be inherited from Mrs.
Callaway's side of the family, who were believed to originally be a combination
of Druid and circus strongman. Anyway, it was happy times.
The family was closer than ever, and could be seen every Sunday tossing around
the football and playfully throwing projectile lightning at one another.
However, things soon went sour when Royce had to fire Paul Bearer, as he kept
raising an urn and bringing the corpses back to life. An act that almost put the
fledgling ultimate-fighting mortician out of business. It’s at this point the story
gets confusing. The official police statement on the ensuing “fire”, stated that
the young Undertaker was practicing ultimate fighting in the garage, (he was
never able to get it right, but god bless him, his heart was in the right place)
and accidentally knocked over flammable chemicals that eventually were ignited.
However, there is ANOTHER version. It’s been said, that Bearer, upset at his
termination, attempted to poison the mind of young Undertaker, and set up a
complicated plan to gain revenge. You see, if Undertaker had one great love
(besides the super natural and incorrectly applied submission holds) it was
Pogos, the delicious deep fried hotdogs wrapped in corn meal. In fact, many a
day after school, he and Kane would enjoy the timeless treat, with often Kane
cooking all six in a package at once by simply raising his arms in the air. In
any event, Bearer told Undertaker that Kane had eaten the LAST ONE, and that the
brand had discontinued making the product. This INFURIATED the Deadboy (Man
would come later), and thus Undertaker did what any
normal 7 foot child with inherited dark magic powers would do in the same
situation: He set his house on fire and murdered his parents. I mean, we’ve all
been there. Boys will be boys, after all. Anyway, as the house burned to
ground, young Undertaker, remorseful over what he had done, left the scene and
wandered the desert aimlessly for 6 years until the lure of high school
basketball caught the young man’s fancy. Once out of High school, Undertaker
would exotically dance at S&M Bars to earn extra
money to enter the world of Professional wrestling (it was in these fetish bars
that young Undertaker met many "Bikers" and sparked his interest in
Motorcycles). Meanwhile, Bearer pulled Kane from the fire, and whisked the
tragically burned child away, having him locked in an institution (where he was
raised) so he could head out to Texas, to make a living off another family of
Deadmen (the Von Erichs). FAMILY TREE As previously mentioned,
Undertaker & Kane’s “father’s” heritage is a mix of Irish and Brazilian
(needless to say, copious amounts of alcohol and ground based jujitsu doesn’t
mix too well) and can be traced back for generations. Their mother’s however is
not as easy. Earliest records available
seem to suggest that her earliest recorded relatives were Puritan immigrants
Jebediah & Good Wife Mary Taker, who settled in THE LOST YEARS WWE has never really explained what happened in the interim
between the time of the fire, and his WWF debut, only briefly touching on Kane’s
teenage years with Katie Vick in 2002. We’ll now attempt to fill in a few
blanks. After spending a good portion
of his life in a mental institution, Kane now made the only natural progression
an awkward basket-case of raging emotions could: He went to high school. Kane
attempted to fit in as best a giant pyro-kinetic demon that’s impervious to pain
could, but still managed to stick out amongst the other regular
sized non-undead students. And as such, there were some especially
difficult times when he was mocked. One of which was wearing his gym shorts over
his expansive one-piece unitard. In class he tried his best,
but often the teacher would not call on Kane to answer questions, as every time
he raised his hand the chalkboard would burst into flames. In any event, it was
during these formative years that Kane discovered his two great loves: Cosmetic
dentistry and the "Ladies". The “lady” in question of course was Katie Vick, who
much like Kane was also ridiculed. You see, I recall reading somewhere that
Katie suffered from a rare muscularity disorder that made her appear to resemble
a mannequin. The two “freaks” soon fell in love and graduated as high school
sweethearts. However, tragedy would
eventually strike once the two attended college. You see, after spending Spring
break together, partying hard in The official autopsy report
had stated that traces of semen were found on Katie, but even though Kane had a
voracious sexual appetite, it is highly unlikely that Kane had post-mortemly
abused Katie as HHH had once accused. For one, removing his unitard was a real
production, and thus Kane wouldn’t have had time to gear down before the
authorities arrived. The other discovery is that Kane, in an attempt to save for
dental school, found out that he could sell his semen to a sperm bank for
cash (he once informed his horrified friends that he had a towel that was
probably worth some ten thousand dollars) and according to Kane, the sample,
came flying from his glove compartment and exploded all over Katie earlier that
day as the two rolled over a rough patch of road. Kane explained that she
couldn’t wipe it from her dress as she had no moveable joints on her body. The
police ultimately bought Kane’s story and he was released. Obviously distraught, Kane
would bury his pain by joining the Alpha Beta Delta Burke Fraternity house,
where he cracked up his brothers with his ability to light a bong with his
finger tip. (a skill that came in handy during his tenures with X-Pac and Rob
Van Dam in later years.). EARLY CAREER &
RECONCILIATION Although dentistry was his
passion, Kane ended up giving up his dream, and not just because some 25
patients died while under his care. (His controversial choke-slam extraction
technique is still a hotly contested issue amongst the dental community to this
day.). In any event, Kane decided that he would instead become a professional
wrestler, and like every other plumber, garbage man or hockey player to ever
enter the WWE, he also automatically knew how to wrestle, despite catch-as-catch
can wrestling skills not being that common amongst most trades people. Go
figure. He began his career as Unibomb, but ultimately discarded that character
after learning the hard way that explosives and dude’s who can naturally produce
fire from their hands aren’t exactly a great match. With that said, people would ask for YEARS just how
Kane could wrestle under various identities without showing any of the scars or
signs of burns he allegedly had. Well, apparently, Kane, while in University,
was the protégé of a brilliant scientist named Dr. Peyton Westlake, who in turn
taught Kane all he knew about synthetic skin. And as such, Kane fashioned
himself a mask, complete with a blond halfro, and a full bodied synthetic suit,
and competed as Isaac Yankem in 1995. Eventually, he was forced to leave WWE,
after his synthetic skin began melting under the hot ring lights,
leaving the “skin” hanging and saggy. It’s said that after Kane discarded
the skin, RIC FLAIR picked it out of the garbage and continues to wear it to
this day. Eventually, Kane made it back
to the WWE, this time as his TRUE self, and once again hooked up with his
estranged father, Paul Bearer to wage war with the Undertaker for years.
Ultimately, Kane & Undertaker settled their differences once and for all,
with Kane getting Taker’s blessing to carry on the family mantle of premier
super natural being when Undertaker briefly became mortal after meeting his wife
Sara; (who was said to be very obsessive compulsive about her furniture, and as
a result, Taker's fast and loose powers of the Darkside would not fly in her
house. ). Today, they’re all one big
happy family, with the two brothers apparently having had a good chuckle at the
attempted homicide twenty years prior over some eggnog at Christmas. Good for
them. UNMASKING & INFLUENCE. The single biggest event in
the career of Kane was obviously when he was finally forced to unmask. However,
this didn’t explain how once unmasked, his “scars” miraculously disappeared.
Many theories floated around. One of which was that the sheer AWESOME power of
Triple H’s PEDIGREE caused the molecules in his face to completely restructure
because of the nuclear-like impact. Of course this rumor was started by HHH
himself so take it for what it’s worth. However, the TRUTH is actually much
simpler. It turns out that Kane just had not washed his face in twenty years.
(see here) Who’d have thunk it? However, even more SHOCKING
then seeing Kane’s real face, was the HAIRCUT underneath. With all the
focus on Kane’s tragic burns, his unique male pattern baldness that sees a
perfectly edged symmetrical receded hairline was all but ignored. However, what
Kane didn’t realize (and unfortunately he sheared it off before basking in the
attention he would have received) is that many Hollywood A-Listers adopted his
patented Skullet, and it soon became a PHENOMENON not seen since the “Rachel” in
1994. Here are but a few celebrities who had at one time adopted Kane’s patented
‘do: MARRIED LIFE Despite appearing to be a
heartless monster, deep within, The Big Red Machine secretly pined for a normal
existence. He needed a woman. His last two relationships had been a disaster
(with his last girlfriend Tori running off with X-Pac, who was well on his way
to making a career of picking up his best friend’s sloppy seconds) so he decided
to take things into his own hands. And after personal ads led nowhere, (his
listed turn-ons of “fire, necrophilia, digging up my parents corpses and setting
their caskets on fire on the Raw stage, and long walks on the beach…” didn’t
seem to go over too well. Go figure.) he decided the "dating" scene wasn't for
him. Kane, like most men his age, decided ‘enough was enough’ and it was
time to grow up. He was more determined than ever to settle down and force a
woman to have his child. It was time to be a And as such, he began courting
Lita, (She was perfect for him. I mean, he was already used to burning
sensations anyway) and as you very well know, the two were eventually married,
after he destroyed her true love and forced her to have intercourse with him.
You know that same old story. Romance was indeed in the air!
Things were said to blossom fast, and on the honeymoon, Kane made the marriage
*official* by setting her loins ablaze with his fiery lust…LITERALLY! And due to
the size of her affected area because of years of youthful indiscretions, it
apparently took the entire Niagara Falls Fire Department some 6 hours to put out
the blaze! Unfortunately though, things soon began to fall apart. Their once
beloved and cherished memories of blackmail rape and evil chicanery
were replaced with the hum-drum reality of married life. Lita was heard on many
an occasions bellowing: “You don’t take me anywhere nice anymore! You just want
to set fires!” However, they still had their child to keep them together. And
the best part is that if the child possessed mommy’s trait of getting injured 5 times a
year, Kane’s inherited super-healing prowess would make it moot. God bless those
unholy powers! Anyway, to make a (incredibly)
long story short, as we all know the marriage eventually dissolved soon after
Gene Snitsky terminated the pregnancy with a steel chair, and Lita took up with
Edge. What we didn't know is that the divorce settlement was said to be
amicable, with the only debated issue being Kane insisting on keeping
Lita’s collection of some 3000 Luchador masks for which she marked
“trophies”. With that said, a year has
passed, and Kane has since picked up his wild swinging bachelor ways. It’s said
he sometimes sleeps with 5 maybe 6 dead bodies a week now. You go get 'em,
tiger. Ok, then. I hope that clears
up a few of the misconceptions about the Big Red Machine. We live to inform, and
by that I mean the complete opposite dictionary definition of the word. That's
right. This past
Monday I found myself in a dilemma. You see, it was past midnight, and Cameron
Burge’s RAW recap had yet to reach my email inbox, so being neurotic like I tend
to be (although Gersh
did eventually come to
the rescue) I started feverishly jotting down notes in the thought that I would
be forced to saddle this abortion of a broadcast and recap it this week. And as
per decree of my Summer of Sean mandate, this extra energy dispensed, threw off
the balance of my world and generally wrecked my evening as far as doing nothing
was concerned. So, in any event, luckily, as previously mentioned, it turns out
I didn’t have to do Raw after all, and my evening of scratching my balls and
watching some Canadian-based soft-core pornography on ‘SexTV: the channel’
looked to be back on again. But what of my notes, I asked. Well, since I did
actually spend some time putting them to paper, it’d be a shame to put them to
use, right? Right? (This is the part where you agree with me). So, with that said, I have
decided to just put my jumbled RAW takes and observations in here. Because God
knows no one else wants them. The show opens up with the
rapidly aging Shane McMahon approaching HHH about tonight’s ‘Kiss my ass club’.
I read the very talented Peter Kent at 411 compare Shane to one Mr. Fantastic.
If only that was the case. Now, Stephanie just has to follow Shane’s Fantastic
Four example and become the Invisible woman. And by that, I mean forever. Just
saying. We open up with the official
contract signing between Rob Van Dam & John Cena. Hey, here’s a question;
why does anyone even show up to these anymore? Every time one goes down, one
dude gets obliterated. It’s kind of like how every party Angela Lansbury goes to
on Murder She Wrote ends in a murder. Yet they keep inviting the bitch. Wait,
what were we talking about again? Oh, ya, Paul Heyman calls out
good ole Mr. Money in the Dank, Rob Van Dam. He then whispers in Rob’s ear as he
sits down “so, since you got money in the bank now, does that mean I still
have to pay you?” This may have only happened on my version. Cena then comes out and the
two trade barbs. Cena says “I fear nothing and regret less!” And I believe him.
He’s straight up O.G., yo. He comes from a place where there’s a
drive-by every five minutes. And sure, it’s just an old farmer on a riding
mower, but he’s relentless, yo. That Anyway, Cena admits that he
was a huge ECW fan, and respects what those letters stand for. Heyman than tells
Cena he’ll give him his first taste of ECW. He then hops on a plane to make
Rollerball without signing any checks. Ok, I lied. The taste he meant was in the
form of Balls Mahoney, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu & Terry Funk, whom I
understand is still currently making his way down the arena stairs. And oh ya,
Cena gets annihilated by the ECW contingent. However, I’ve drawn the conclusion
that Sandman must have been drinking and thus seen TWO John Cena’s out there;
because he missed the real John Cena by like ten inches. Imaginary John
Cena was not so lucky however. Also missing his mark was Sabu with the
Arabian Skullcrusher, which for this night only was rechristened the Arabian
flying armpit of good intentions. By me. Yup. But wait! Here comes the
Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin
is up next. And apparently we’ve traveled back in time one exact calendar year.
The fucking booking of this company feels just like the movie Groundhog
Day. Quick, someone throw a toaster oven in the Creative team’s bath tub. If my
theory proves true, they’ll just start the day all over again. And if I’m wrong?
Well, no harm, no foul. Oh, by the way, Carlito wins with his unnamed back
breaker known to 1200 people as the lung blower. It’s also the name of a sexual
device I currently have en route to my house. That’s right. Hey! Kane’s actually got a
movie out! Man, they really should get the word out. There’s probably one person
out there who hasn’t seen this trailer. Oh, and my favorite part? The Australian
broad stating that when Kane grabbed you, it felt like he had no care for your
well being. Quick, send Kane to SmackDown! Apparently this is the philosophy in
which you get a main event push! HHH is backstage with Vince.
He says there’s no way he’s kissing Vince’s ass. Normally, he would, but Vince’s
rectum is just not ready yet. Pay your dues hairless ass. Anyway, Vince reveals
he’s just gotten an “Assial” (He shaved his face? Badyum cha.). HHH then
protests, so Vince says if he can beat The Big Show, the Kiss my ass club is off
for tonight. HHH is up against Big Show
next, and by Gawd, JR doesn’t disappoint again with the mindless Big Show
compliments. His ring is a size 23! His hands are like toaster ovens! Wait, I
thought they were Frying pans? Apparently Show has a kitchen appliance for every
limb. No wonder he’s obese! Think of how easy it’d be to cook food if you had a
toaster oven for hands! He should try and get his hands down to at least a
George Foreman grill. He might live longer. Anyway, the Spirit Squad
interfere almost instantly, and cost HHH the match. Apparently the world would
cease to exist if the Squad did not appear on RAW. HHH is now EMOTING FURIOUS
ANGER, and barges into Vince’s office. Vince informs him that the ass-kissing is
still on, or he’ll never wrestle for a championship again. Something tells me
that might not stick. Call me crazy. After the match, our friend
and the world’s most dangerous hitchhiker (who wouldn’t stop for an Asiatic
thumb?) Samoa Joke (Umaga) blindsides Duggan and gives him the THUMB~! How
ironic. Jim Duggan done in by a big thumb. Ok, I have nothing. JR pimps the return of the
Divas Search, where, and I wish I was kidding, “stars are made.” Stars? Oh how I
wish that was literally the case. You know, as in a billion miles away from
Earth. Kurt
Angle is here! The crowd erupts, and SmackDown flatlines. He was 7. God Speed.
Kurt is then approached by Mick Foley, whom he calls Mrs. Foley’s big hairy
prostitute. That was also the first rejected name for After the break, we find out
that Randy will answer Kurt’s open challenge at One Night Stand. Apparently
Kurt’s open challenge to ANY kind of ring also included the one you push shit
out of (directly into gym bags.). Makes sense to me. Kane comes out to face Lance
Cade who is wearing the head of Waylon Mercy this evening, after succumbing to
WWE’s unwritten rule of ‘thall shalt not have long flowing blond hair’. He ends
up “winning” by count out when the talking mask distracts Kane and he leaves the
ring. Kane ends up going backstage,
and is yelling for Fake Kane (Enak?) to stop playing mind games. We then see
Fake Kane slowly get closer to Real Kane until he attacks him. Whatever. It
would have been funnier if Kane tried to get away, then fell and sprained his
ankle. Oh, horror movie clichés, oh how I love thee. On a side note: Thankfully,
this week, someone got Fake Kane to run his wig under a faucet first. The Highlanders are coming to
America! And sheep breathe a sigh of relief. But wait. TWO Highlanders? I’ve
seen ‘End Game’ this can only end badly. But until the day they cut each others
heads off, I’m just glad to see a real team in this company. Charlie Haas, who looks like
he’s traded in his All American Academia for a cardboard box and a shopping cart
full of cans, is up next against Johnny Nitro, whom I was disappointed to see
lose last week. My dream of an 82 week undefeated streak has been dashed. Oh,
and apparently, as he was careening into the ropes, Homeless Charlie launched
Lillian Garcia off the apron. RIGHT NOW THERE’S SOMEBODY SAYING “SHE KNOWS HOW
TO FALL”. HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU LEARN TO FALL ON A Anyway, they cart Lillian out
and Charlie gets booed unmercifully. He also jobs to Nitro after Melina feigns
an ankle injury and causes a distraction. After the match, Charlie goes home to
his pregnant wife Jackie Gayda, and accidentally shoulder tackles her through
the living room wall after being asked to bring her some water. I wouldn’t make
this up. ;) After the break, we see
footage of Lillian being helped to the back. Charlie then backs his car over her
as he exits the arena. Ok, I’ll stop the Haas jokes. (for now.) Victoria comes out accompanied
by Mickie James to face Beth Phoenix who is accompanied by Trish Stratus. Beth
has yet to face her toughest foe however: Complete and total fucking apathy.
Seriously though, have they even explained to us WHY we’re supposed to cheer
her? Anyway, not a bad match if you discount the crowd. In Space they can’t hear
you In the back, Shane & Vince
conspire. Vince offers to show Shane his ass but Shane declines. In some
cultures it’s a right of passage. In other places it’s a night out in San
Francisco. I don’t know. Shane then says he’ll get “it” done. We now see Triple H in his
locker room… getting ready? Who knew burying your head in someone’s ass merited
a change of clothes? Anyway, Shane comes in, and while HHH is distracted, Shane
puts roophies in his water bottle. Remind me to go on a double date sometime
with these McMahons! HHH then takes a swig of said compromised water, and Shane
takes a call from Vince. We then see Triple H spit out the water and switch
bottles with Shane. SUBTERFUGE ! After the break, Jerry Lawler
calls out Tazz and accepts his challenge for One Night Stand. Jerry then breaks
into a diatribe about rules and how “choking people out is illegal”. Hey, you
know what else is illegal? Sodomizing a 14 year old girl. Just saying. It’s now time for the event
you’ve all been waiting for: (no, WWE insists. You’re really looking forward to
this) the Kiss My Ass Club. Vince goes over several of the past members, only
forgetting off camera member Johnny Ace, who is said to actually prefer living
inside the anal passage of Vince McMahon. Vince calls out Triple H, and soon
Trips begins to “act” drugged, and “passes out”. Vince then drops trough, and
just then Shane becomes intoxicated, and starts laughing and pointing at Vince’s
asshole. Apparently, Shane just ingested some of RVD’s cheeba. Shane then tweaks
his nipples (seriously) and passes out. Just then Triple H rises and pedigrees a
bare assed Vince. The show then ends. Wow. A show built entirely around being
drugged and then being left face down, unconscious, bare assed and humiliated?
Reminds me of most of my dates. And yes, that’s the note we’re going out on
here. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...... Last year, I introduced a
feature where I looked at a figure from pro wrestling's past, and let
you know what they've indeed been up to since. OK, I don't really do that. It's
more like make fun of others misfortunes (Someone's got to show up at Virgil's
autograph signing eventually....). Anyway, today's topic is JULIE
HART. And unless you saw the Bret Hart "Wrestling With Shadows" documentary, you
likely have no idea who this woman is. Well, as if it wasn't obvious by that
lead in, Julie Hart was indeed Bret Hart's wife ( Ex-Wife). And if you did see
said documentary, you'll remember her as the woman who told Triple H that "GOD
WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN." (Hey, God it's been 9 years, what
gives?). Anyhoo, the reason I'm
profiling her is because she just opened a new website, JulieHart.ca and as such
has entered the public domain...which means she can be ridiculed. God bless
Satire. But for the record, I'm sure
Julie is a lovely woman, and I'll be honest, despite the fact that being Bret
Hart's love factory has apparently taken it's toll on her, there's a picture of
her on her frontpage, that I'd mount as if I were the Jungle cat
in this
very picture
of the "Fam". And speaking of which, noteably absent from
any and all mention is one Bret Hart (maybe he wasn't comfortable?). I
mean, without being mean, Julie wouldn't even have a forum to put herself
over if she wasn't in fact once the recepticle of Bret Hart's
loving. So, as a tribute to Bret, I've doctored a photo and
added a comedy Bret Hart option, exchanging one emasculated creature
between Julie's legs for another:
But wait, there's more!
Apparently in an interview recently given, Jade Hart (top far left), the
eldest daughter of Bret, and arguably the only physically attractive biological
Hart alive, recently revealed that many members of her immediate family are
interested in becoming involved in the business, including herself, who she'd
like to see portrayed in an Elizabeth role (only not dead.) You
go girl! However, of all the Hart
children, the one seemingly most physically suited to the sport of kings is
BEANS HART, as seen here in arguably THE
SINGLE MOST TERRIFYING PICTURE EVER. (Seconds later
she picked up the photographer and tore him in half with her bare
hands.) Standing at some 18 feet
tall, and with a reach of some 50 yards, Beans is clearly the most
physically imposing presence in history. I mean, just check out those mitts! She
could juggle God with those meathooks! And according to Jade, Beans was ALL OVER
Randy Orton at the Hall of Fame. And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I state
that in lieu of a Beans bearing down on you, the Legend Killer clearly
shit his pants well
before he could ever reach a gym
bag. But that's not all! Bret's
niece, and daughter of one DYNAMITE KID, is interested in perhaps getting
involved as well. Here's a picture. Wow, doing
those horse steroids certainly paid off in the right places for young...
Bronwyne? Them's some *****+ titties. It's just a shame she looks so much
like Dynamite. But what the hell, it'd be like the best of both worlds. That
body coupled with Dynamite's world class workrate. She can ride me like Matilda
anytime. But for the record, for all the rumors that
Dynamite Kid was a sadistic bastard, look no further for evidence than him
naming his daughter something that at first glance looks to read "brown eye"
(which for the record I'd bury my member in, "shades of Dynamite" or not.). Ok,
ok, I'll stop picking on the poor lass. Because Dynamite could ...But hey, this was supposed to be about Julie, so I'll go back to
her; and to close things off, I'll leave you with this incredibly unflattering
photo. And you know,what? This picture looks extremely familiar to me, where
have I seen it before?.....
................Wait a second! I
remember!:
She was AWESOME in Matrix Reloaded! I don't know why Bret
would EVER divorce a woman capable of dispersing her molecules. What a
fool! Haha, well, that was a big waste of time. But hey,
fuck you, whatever. I'm just upset that Jade wasn't the one named "Beans"
because I had this really tasteless "Pork and Beans" joke I was planning on
using. Maybe next time. Ok, Fuckies, that's it for this first installment of the
"Summer of Sean" Back-Leg Frontkick's. I'll be back....sometime? That's right.
And while you're here, be sure to check out everything and everyone
on the frontpage, because every time you don't God kills a
kitten. See y'all soon. But first... ....Your Moment of
Zen (your check's in the mail, Jon)
I'm Sean.HOLLYWOODHOLLYWOODcrosses symbols didn’t
exactly help his cause.). In any event, the villagers tried in vain to murder them
over the years, by setting them on fire, burying them alive, and running them
over. It never worked. Anyway, the whole thing culminated in some twelve
Pilgrims forcing Jebediah into a casket. However, he was back some 8 months
later anyway, looking pretty much the same as before, bar trading in his grey
pantaloons for some purple ones.3 INCH THICK CRASH MAT CONCRETE! [/Jim Ross]scream not give a fuck. Beth ends up winning with the
Michanoku Driver that was known as the Beth Valley Driver in OVW. Anyway, it
turns out that Beth broke her mandible in this match; a tragic injury for any
woman to have. (although, it does mean less talking, so that’s a plus.).run roll over
here any time and kicks my ass give me a stern talking to.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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