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CANDY
White Vans
And Candy: (05/15/06) by James Walker Hey
there, kids. I’ve been doing this column for a while now, and if there’s one thing that’ll always elude
me, it’s the ability to plan in advance. Most of the time, I’ll wake up from a groggy haze on Sunday morning,
and regurgitate a week’s worth of bad wrestling jokes, and call it a day. However, sometimes, there just isn’t
much to say. So that’s why I’ll let pictures do the talking for me, and somehow still have the balls to say that
I’m awesome. This
week, WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: CAPTAIN CAPTION! “I
want a choo-choo train, a go-go gadget doll, and some offence in our match” “I
swear man, I don’t know who stole your fried chicken” “I
AM NOT A BLOWFISH” “I
wonder how much I could pawn this chair for.” London
& Kendrick, still struggling with the concept of “kissing ass”. “Look
Joey! The Girl Scouts are in the rafters!” “For
a cheeseburger, right?” “See
Joey? It really DOES taste like a cherry!” “Oh
yeah, and she really likes it when you grab ‘em like this.” The
World’s Saddest Wheelbarrow Race “I
LOVE YOU JOHNNY DEPP” “Hey.” “Hey.” “Wanna
go piss on some Randy Savage merch?” “For
sure.” “And
I thought Pettingill was bad.” “If
I squint a little, she looks like Christy Hemme” Since
I’ve done my part, I have an assignment for YOU, my handsome readers. Whomever can come up with the best line for this
picture will be TWF’S OFFICIAL CAPTAIN CAPTION! I’ll even make YOU
a picture in paint! SO GET TO IT! White Vans
And Candy: (05/08/06) by James Walker They can
change the dress code. They can change all the standards for a good main event. They can even change stigma that stereotypes
aren’t necessary. But once in a short while, a new talent comes along that changes the wrestling business. That man is the
Great Khali. And this week, The Great
Khali built the 7 wonders of the world. As for the 8th, he fathered AND mothered Andre the Giant. The Great
Khali commissioned the universe to be created (He and God were roommates in college, and he got a kickass price on it) as
“some place to get away from it all”. Nelson Mandela
tottttaaallly read The Great Khali’s book, “How to go to prison and people love you for it.” In English,
it translates into “The Bible.” Fucking copycat. The Great
Khali invented Polio, then cured it The Great
Khali started teaching cows to expel methane gas, knowing full well the inevitable hole in the ozone layer would occur. He
did it just so he’s got a weekend “fixer upper” project to do in a few decades. The Great
Khali won the Nobel Prize in “Taking Care of Business” over Randy Bachman. The Great
Khali killed that tiny asian guy in The Great
Khali’s incomprehensible speech is actually the universal language of the future – it’s a mish mash of English,
Esperanto, and Wookie. The reason
why The Great Khali’s offence looks so unconvincing is because he’s the half brother of Street Fighter’s
Blanka, and there’s an electric current surrounding him… even the slightest chop will send a man convulsing on
the floor. The Great
Khali has targeted cruiserweights because his father was a cruiserweight. One time, his father told him to eat his peas, so
Khali powerbombed him. This justifies all his actions. Before Frodo
threw it into Guglielmo
Marconi hired The Great Khali in 1901 to yell messages really loud so they could be heard across the You know
that song, “I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more”? Those guys wrote the song after they saw The Great
Khali playing a game of tennis with himself. He uses the If you record
The Great Khali speaking, and play it backwards while watching the Wizard of Oz, a pizza delivery kid will accidentally give
you an order for free. The Great
Khali makes chocolate mousse simply by breathing heavily into a chocolate bar. The Great
Khali is both a Sith Lord and a Jedi Master. You know
the saying, “having to swat women off like flies”? The Great Khali is so handsome; he literally has to do that.
With baseball bats. The Great
Khali and Thor were once neighbors. Thor borrowed Khali’s hammer from his shop, and never returned it. What a dick. Chuck Norris
once tried to roundhouse kick The Great Khali. That’s why Chuck only has 2 legs now. The Great
Khali loves strawberry waffles so much, that he once got a managerial job at an IHOP so he could eat them whenever he wanted.
However, he quit that job after he improved that IHOP so much, that it was forced to rename itself “The Pentagon”. Despite what
Kurt Angle claims, he is not the only gold medalist in WWE history. The Great Khali won gold and bronze in the 1904 Olympics
in “being the Great Khali.” His homemade cybernetic clone from the future took home silver. You know
that whole “Sword in the Stone” legend? That was no stone; it was the Great Khali’s abs. Neil Armstrong
gained his fame because The Great Khali was playing catch with the moon, and Armstrong was a good ball. It was The
Great Khali who ended Goldberg’s winning streak. Many people think that was Kevin Nash, yet it was simply a Khali when
he was battling bulimia, AIDS, and ugliness. Khali won that battle, too. The Great
Khali got really sick once, and he coughed up One time,
The Great Khali beat up some guitar playing hippies, and there was a tape recorded in the background. It was later released
as “Stairway to Heaven” The Great
Khali’s sweat is rich in vitamin B12 and emeralds. Before he
goes to bed, The Great Khali drinks a glass of warm milk and the The Great
Khali is composed of 98% GreatKhalium. The other 2% is believed to be a mixture of Dark Matter and Scurvy. White Vans
And Candy: (04/24/06) by James Walker I’ve
always wanted to contribute more reviews and such, but I’ve always wondered how I could go about this… and then,
as I was in Blockbuster, opportunity slapped me across the face like a hooker when you hand her a wad of monopoly money. Yes
folks, I laid my eyes upon THIS: If you didn’t
laugh at that, get the fuck out of this column. If you did… WHITE VANS AND CANDY REVIEWS: SANTA’S SLAY Before I
begin to describe this movie, I need you all to stop laughing about the concept of BILL GOLDBERG as AN EVIL SANTA. Get all
the Jewish irony out of your system, and even the fact that he’s only ever briefly played a heel. Laugh it up. Here,
I’ll help you with a picture. … … … you
good yet? No? … Ok, I think
we can start. Okay, so.
The movie starts off none other than FRAN DRESCHER AND CHRIS KATTAN. Cause, you know when a film begins with The Nanny and
Corky Romano, it’s got to be good. Ol’ Billy manages to break up a Christmas dinner by breaking through the fireplace,
perform a forward roll on the dinner
table (it’s the most athletic Bill has ever looked) and somehow murder the entire family. Not just normal murder, oh
no, we’re talkin’ a flaming Fran, a drumstick brain squish, and in a moment of hilarity, he kills Chris Kattan
with an errant kick. See Bret? You didn’t have it SO bad! Now, we get
a little bit of explainin’. We find out that Santa is actually the son of Satan, and exactly one thousand years ago,
Whisker Biscuits himself lost a bet with an angel, damning him to be good & kind, and give gifts to every child of the
world once a year. However, the bet had worn off, and now there was Hell to pay. (Oh, by the way, the town is called Hell.
Just cause, I suppose) Now, you may be asking yourself... what kind of epic bet did Satan’s own flesh & blood place
before an angel to create these severe repercussions? Maybe wager to prove the true alignment of the human spirit? Or maybe
even a battle between them, to determine the ethereal heavyweight champion of the world? Nope… THEY BET
ON WHO WAS THE BETTER CURLER. You heard
me. The sport where you push a rock down ice and use brooms to modify the smoothness of the path was the deciding battle that
gave rise to Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick. Fuck that Coca-Cola shit. The male
lead’s grandfather knows all of this information, and only he. Oh, he’s also a “crazy inventor”, which
isn’t stereotypical of B-movies at all, right? Right? We casually grace over a “Chestnut Gun”, which Grandpa
explains works on the principle that “a chestnut has explosive properties if it’s heated without puncturing the
skin”. Same thing can be said about my penis, but I don’t use it as a weapon.. often. Anywho, the
main character – Nicholas Yuleson (how ironic that he’s now fighting for the honor of Christmas?!!!1) –
works in a Jewish deli with some chick. Let’s call her… Twinksters. Sounds reasonable to me. Twinksters has a
thing for Nick, but Nick is an oblivious cunt who would rather go home to his crusty grandfather, than go get some sweet,
sweet not-really-underage-but-let’s-pretend nookie. Seriously. Basically,
Goldberg goes around and kills people for 45 minutes. Whether it be by squishing them with his evil-bison reindeer, throwing
a Christmas tree star like a ninja, or by tapping into the great explosive know as “lumps of coal”, Santa is knockin’
off the naughty list. Oh, speaking of naughty, the film’s highlight comes when Goldberg goes to a strip club. Barging
in, uttering the line “hoes hoes hoes!”, and proceeding to beat down the silicone into a fine mush. All this leads
up to him jumping up on the stage, and being afraid to touch the Stripper’s Pole.. so he SANITIZES the freakin’
thing. I laughed, and that’s all that matters. I must point
out that ALL of these murders are random. It seems Santa is completely focusing on this one tiny, insignificant, and non-existent
town, and pointlessly killing anyone he can, such as the owner of the Jewish deli. In a mark-out moment, Bill actually SPEARS
the guy… after diving through the glass display case. You know, if Goldberg had done half the shit he does in this flick,
he might have gotten over with the IWC. Anyways, the deli owner ended up getting STABBED WITH A MINORAH. So, while
Bill is out doin’ his thing, Nick, Twinksters, and Grandpa are trying to figure out what to do. Nick says that Santa’s
powers are only good on Christmas day, meaning that it’ll run out at 7 that day – for Santa’s time zone
is a few hours ahead. They also have a bomb shelter which Grandpa has constructed, equipped with cameras and a well stocked
supply of food. Think about
this folks… They have to survive about 4 hours more of danger, they have no means of stopping the villain, and they
have a completely secure & equipped bomb shelter to hide in. Now, what do the heroes do? THEY GO GOLDBERG
HUNTIN’! Ahh, B-flick
logic at it’s best. Now, I probably started to pay less attention around here. I mean, let’s face it, it’s
pretty hard to swerve us when the road never existed. To put it bluntly, this story is kinda like driving in the middle of
the desert. If memory serves me right, the whole gang ended up at a school’s ice rink. I’ve never been to a high
school with it’s own hockey arena, but hey, it’s not like I live In the ice
rink, there’s trouble a brewin’. We have an epic standoff, not seen since the days of Meat VS Steve Blackman,
Bret Hart VS Will Sasso, or Vader VS A Cream Puff. But then, this sleigh SWERVES right into a cactus, and it’s revealed
that the Angel that Santa fought years ago... IS ACTUALLY GRANDPA!!! What? You
don’t know any thousand year old holy spirits who spend their time inventing chestnut explosives in an unheard of North
American town? Pfft, why don’t you go outside, geez? Oh, by the way, that was a spoiler. But it’s not like you
don’t read the Smackdown Spoilers, and this movie is one of the few shows out there with less viewers than Smackdown,
so I’m sure it’s ok. Nick says Goldberg’s powers should have run out by now, seeing as at his home, it’s
December 26th. Goldberg then laughs and says it’s a common misconception, and the “North pole is where
all the time zones converge, where it’s Christmas day, all day!”, despite the fact the movie had already establish
he lives in Greenland. Continuity Don’t Mattuhhhh. All this leads to a curling rematch of the millennium… Bill
Goldberg (w/ evil bison) VS Grandpa (w/A steel plate, he’d better hope) Using the
divine powers of HELL, Goldberg rips a role in the ice, and it leads STRAIGHT TO HELL, FIRE, AND BRIMSTONE, BY GAWD. The goal
of the match is to throw the rock as close as possible to the hole, without going in. Whoever is closest wins. Grandpa takes
the rocks... lines it up… checks the wind… pushes off… puts on the spin.. MY GAWD, GRANDPA JUST THREW THE
PERFECT ROCK! It’s RIGHT on the edge! Beautiful! Goldberg
can’t come back from this! He lines up his throw… AND BY GAWD, HE GRABS GRANDPA BY THE SCRUFF OF THE NECK, AND
THROWS HIM TO THE EDGE! GRANDPA IS HANGING OFF! THE REF CALLS FOR THE Winner: No
Contest Post match:
Here comes the grandson, Nick! Goldberg’s power overwhelms him, and he gets taken down. OH NO! GOLDBERG IS LINIG UP
HIS SIGNATURE FLAME BREATH! HE’S GONNA SET THIS KID ON FIRE, BY GAWD! SOMEBODY CALL THE EMTS!!! Wait, what’s
this? Nick pulls out the chestnut gun from his coat! Goldberg spits fire! Nick shoots the chestnut! THE CHESTNUT HITS THE
FLAME, AND GOES DIRECTLY INTO GOLDBERG’S CHEST! NICK WITH THE MORAL VICTORY! … yep.
Anyways Twinksters and Nick are sharing a moment, and Nick says she “kisses like a guy”. Uhhh. In other
news, Grandpa gets saved, but evaporates anyways (don’t ask, I stopped a long time ago), and somehow, Goldberg survived
this, and decided to fly to... Overall,
this movie was fucking ridiculous. I mean, it’s got Goldberg as an evil Santa. It’s ok to still be laughing at
that – I still am. But when you toss on, well, everything else, this movie has quickly become one of my favorite ‘holy
shit, this is horrible’ flicks. If you’re into that type of deal, and you think like we do at TWF, you’ll
love this movie. If not, well, go be an artsy fag who discusses the underlying passion hidden amongst the sub-plot of the
new David Lynch film. Me, I’ll be giggling to menorah stabbings. I mean, how can you not laugh at this: I rest my
case. White Vans
And Candy: (04/17/06) by James Walker We
wrestling fans have been graced by some of the best interview segments ever in the media: Piper’s Pit, The Highlite
Reel, and Café du René. However, today, the bar is raised. Today, the world will witness the greatest media concoction since
media itself. You see, as big as Hulk Hogan or the Rock may ever be in That
man is James Lipton. WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: INSIDE THE WRESTLER’S
STUDIO James Lipton: On the fourteeth of October.. the year
two thousand and five.. in the city of James Lipton: If you want to witness art in it’s
truest form, which will make you shed the most beautiful single tear imaginable, you must watch The Boogeyman versus Nunzio for it is truly a delight for the soul. Tell us about that evening. Boogeyman: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack, jump
over The candle stick! Read Peter
Pan Relax in
the spa I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: No truer words have ever been spoken
by man, beast, or even the almighty. Speaking of worms, I must say, that was a brilliant inclusion – something Leonardo
Da Vinci wishes he could have imagined. Those worms have been used on many occasion, and perhaps in the most breathtaking
sequence, you delicately placed them down one Ms. Jillian Hall’s skirt. This very event made the collapse of the World
Trade Centers seem like Tim Allen accidentally hammering his thumb. Prey tell, describe this evening for all of us. Boogeyman: This little piggy went to the market This little
piggy went home This little
piggy had roast beef AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE! Listen to
some Wham Adjust your
bra I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: Oh ho ho, you sir, are truly a delight.
If God himself created the world in seven days, he must have spent six of those simply on you. Now, these events with Jillian
Hall.. it simply did not end with worms in her nether regions. No sir, you performed the most the equivalency of a thousand
simultaneous brain transplants, while blindfolded, when you removed Ms. Hall’s facial blemish with your educated bicuspids. Please, for the sake of humanity, tell us about this event. Boogeyman: Baa, baa, Black Sheep Have you
any wool? Yes sir,
Yes sir, Three! BAGS! FULL! Enjoy spam Praise Jehovah I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: That may have been the most riveting
story of all time. To show you my respect, tonight, I shall burn my original copy of War and Peace, and defecate on the ashes,
all in your honor. These events with Ms. Hall eventually led to perhaps, the greatest technical display since the International
Space Station, at the Royal Rumble. You sir, with unfathomable tenacity and a sheer brilliance of the physical arts, battled
one John Bradshaw Layfield in an epic duel of two fiercely bitter enemies, making Jesus Christ and Judas seem like drinking compadrés. With the grace only you can offer, recount those events for us, and we’d be forever humble. Boogeyman: Row, Row, Row your boat Gently down
the stream Merrily,
merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream! Visit If yous a
tru playa I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: If I had a daughter, I would sell my
soul in exchange for you to simply hold her hand in public. Now, after you had finished your business with Mr. Layfield, you
went on and dealt with your issues with Booker Huffman. Infact, one blistery evening, in perhaps the most hilarious practical
joke since playing hide and go seek with the captain of the Titanic, you filled the Huffman family vehicle’s rear hold
with your patented worms. If I may digress, I haven’t laughed that hard since the time Martin Sheen stabbed that hooker
in the arm pit. Now please, take us through your emotions that night. Boogeyman: On top of Spaghetti All covered
with cheese I lost my
poor meatball WHEN SOMEBODY SNEEZED! Digest your
bran Patent your
idea I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: If you are not given sainthood when you
leave this earth, I shall personally see to it that the Church ceases to be. Your actions against Mr. Huffman did not go unnoticed,
and in Boogeyman: In Born and
raised On a play
ground WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS! Buy a few
grams Watch Willy
Wonka I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: If I could go back in time, I would take
your placenta from birth, preserve it, and build a holy shrine to it that would make the Boogeyman: We played the first thing that came to our
heads Just so happened
to be The best
song in the world IT WAS THE BEST SONG IN THE WORLD! Take the
tram Light the
Minorah I’m
the Boogeyman And I’m
comin’ to get’cha! James Lipton: If there was a noble prize given for
greatness in the field of greatness, you sir, could still slay all the kittens across the land and walk away the winner. Now…
if you do me the kindness, I’d like to delve into the psyche of the man whom I wish could be my grandfather, father,
and son, all at once. It’s something I call... Word Association. First…
Tough Enough. Boogeyman: I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE! James Lipton: Sharmell. Boogeyman: THE NOOKIE! James Lipton: Kurt Angle. Boogeyman: Girl, you know it’s true! James Lipton: Linda McMahon. Boogeyman: Ooh, oooh, ooh, I love you! James Lipton: Darren Drozdov. Boogeyman: Walk down to! James Lipton: Goldust. Boogeyman: James Lipton: Rob Van Dam. Boogeyman: Then we’ll take it higher! James Lipton: Marty Jannety. Boogeyman: Then we’ll take it higher! James Lipton: I am so humbled in your presence sir…
I feel as if I’m speaking to the messiah himself, except this time, I’m the one deserving to be on the cross for
not being a fraction of his greatness. Finally, I must ask one last question… if there’s one parting message you
could leave for humanity, what would it be? Boogeyman: Little Bunny Foo Foo, Hoppin’
through the forest Pickin’
up the field mice, AND BOPPIN’ EM ON THE HEAD Klu Klux
Klan You Got Nada I’m
the Boogeyman AND I’M COMIN’ TO GET’CHA! James Lipton: … You had me at Little Bunny Foo
Foo.
March 06, 2006 White Vans And Candy:
(03/27/06) by James Walker
Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug
themselves up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our
hearts. What happens to our favourite useless jobber after he’s fired? Did The Berzerker go back to raping and pillaging
villages in the WHITE
VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW… VI! Rikishi Rikishi
had it all: fans, a push, experience, and a man-thong. But somewhere along the lines, he went from rubbing his ass into people’s
faces for money, to rubbing his ass into people’s faces for food. You see, after years of floundering in the mid-to-upper-mid
card, the WWE released Rikishi and no one seemed to care. While people say it’s because his act had gotten stale and
that he didn’t tell the WWE he was getting surgery, Rikishi knew better. You see, Rikishi knew that is was just another
example of Samoan Segregation. That’s
why Rikishi has become a Samoan Equal Rights Activist! Tossing aside his tassle-laced diaper for a conservative suit and letting
his words rub feces into the face of his opposition, some are heralding Rikishi as the second coming of Martin Luther King,
Jr. Rikishi’s fury stems from the stereotype that all Samoans are overweight maniacs who dish out their patented “Samoan”
drop regularly (Apparently, it is introduced to 3rd graders in their Physical Education class). His work isn’t
going unnoticed either – apparently, he’s convinced a young Samoan wrestler to simply go by “Joe”
now. Other wrestlers like Haku, Rosey, and Prince Iaukea have reportedly admitted that getting hit on the head actually hurts,
in an effort to bridge the gap in society. And there’s a giant positive in this for Rikishi – unlike some Racial
Activists, he’s already been shot and lived to tell about it. Survival of the fittest, y’all. Blue
Meanie If
there’s ever a guy who lucked out in the wrestling business, it’s the Blue Meanie. Let’s face it –
the guy is in bad shape, isn’t skilled in the ring at all, and is not physically imposing in the slightest. However,
he’s still relatively well known, despite accomplishing next to nothing. Part of me respects that, but the other part
of me wants to make fun of him for that – and will! After his years of low-card jobbing in ECW, low card-jobbing in
the WWF, and getting punched by JBL, what’s the guy been doing? Well,
Meanie has kinda gone off the deep end. See, after being dumped by his porn-star girlfriend and failing to land a WWE contract,
Meanie’s depression grew. These feelings turned into anger towards the people who have had success over him. Instead
of targeting wrestlers like one would presume, his jealously cumulated against one group; a group who stole his gimmick: The
Blue Man Group. A picture is worth a thousand words, and instead of detailing the results, I’ll show you a picture taken
at the scene. In no way was this photo doctored in paint, at all. Teddy
Hart A
few years back, Teddy Hart was making major waves on the net for his “loose cannon” antics, and yet, we’ve
heard little to nothing from the guy of late. See, this is the guy who got physically ejected form an ROH event after no-selling
a beating, and continuously acts “in character” so much that one may believe he’s not playing any character
at all. It seemed inevitable that WWE would pick him up, just to get a few indie marks to buy some tickets, and only job him
out to Funaki to prove how superior they were. However, Teddy Hart is about as common place as JBL on CNBC these days. So,
why the sudden disappearance from the spotlight? Believe
it or not, Teddy Hart has been working as an F.B.I. agent! You see, the Pentagon felt that their operative missions were severely
lacking in the hurricarana department, and now terrorists regularly eat some vicious spinning heel kicks in the name of JUSTICE!
However, his missions have kept him a little busy, thus his relative non-existence on indie cards. Reportedly, he got the
idea from watching the Mission Impossible films, where Tom Cruise would get repelled from the ceiling. Personally, I don’t
know if this is the wisest of decisions – his family has never had the best of luck with that sort of thing… Gillberg I
know I say this a lot, but honestly – does anyone really care? I really don’t think so. Moving on. Bill
Watts Former
wrestler & promoter, Bill Watts’ name will forever remain in wrestling folklore. While his wrestling never lit up
the world, he definitely made his mark as a promoter - for all the wrong reasons. The most obvious detriment to his abilities
is that he actually banned moves from the top rope, a decision never fully explained, reasoned, or useful. On top of it all,
the man was so reportedly racist that they had to give Ron Simmons a title run in WCW in an effort to prove that he wasn’t,
much like the Steroid Trial/Bret Hart championship situation. After all of that, where is he today? To
the surprise of many, Bill has traded in his cowboy boots for a sniper rifle. While some wrestlers use it as a nickname, Bill
Watts has truly become a “Hitman”. You see, his undenying fury towards black people and high flyers has come to
a climax, and slowly but surely, Bill is disposing of ‘undesirables’ in this business. Need proof? When’s
the last time you Scorpio was a name in Billy
Kidman When
people think of the WCW Cruiserweight division, people think of Billy Kidman. Along with Rey Mysterio, Dean Malenko, and Chris
Jericho, Billy Kidman introduced a new era of this sport. While he never was the most charismatic guy, you knew he’d
give you an athletic match with some fun spots – what more could you ask for in the mid card? When he moved to the WWE,
he had some on-again-off-again success – the Cruiserweight belt found it’s way back to him, and he even had a
tag title reign. However, he never seemed to have any actually direction, and he was eventually let go from his contract.
So what’s he been up to recently? Billy
Kidman is doing absolutely nothing, and loving every minute of it. Think about this – he’s got a freakin’
playboy model as a wife, and SHE brings home the cheques. Instead of clamoring to get back into the game, Billy is simply
sitting on the couch all day, growing an obscenely large beer gut, and demanding that his wife make him a pastrami sandwich
after she fellates him on the couch. One would think I’d make fun of his lazyness, but I’ll be damned if the guy
doesn’t have the life now. TNA has called his home in an effort to get him into the company, but Billy has been SO lazy,
he hasn’t even bothered to pick up the phone. That’s my kind of guy. Billy Kidman, you’ve got the life.
Killer
Bees Jim
Brunzell and Brian B. Blair may not be the most decorated tag team of all time, but they were one of the most entertaining
to watch. These guys had 3 year run in the WWF, and while they never picked up the titles, they were definitely a corner stone
of the tag team division. Along with the Hart Foundation, British Bulldogs, and the Rockers, these teams put the fun back
into fundamentals. However, they were sadly split up into singles wresters for no good reason, and their careers never recovered.
So what ever became of these guys? Jim
Brunzell is untraceable these days, so the general assumption is that he’s become one with nature in a pursuit of eternal
peace, as all retired wrestlers do. However, Brian Blair is another story. Some people say he’s a politician in Bruiser Brody You
know, he took a vacation to There
you have it, folks. You know, the more you think about these inductees, there more you gotta give ‘em your respect.
We would pay attention to these guys for maybe 45 minutes a month, for maybe 3 or 4 years, and yet here they are, still on
our minds today. They never acknowledged our existence, and knew nothing about us, but they’ll never know that they’re
a part of our lives. I suppose you could say the same thing about me towards my readers, but you’d be wrong: I stalk
each and every one of you. By
the way, I like the way you did your hair today. White Vans And Candy: (03/13/06)
by James Walker Hey there, buckeroos. You know, there’s a running gag amongst us TWF writers (well, mostly Joe and myself)
that my gimmick is gimmick columns. I can’t actually stick to one format, so I create a bunch of neat little ideas,
that when come Sunday afternoon and my column is to be put up in 7 hours, I can fall back on. And I’m about to
prove this again. White Vans And Candy:
(03/06/06) by James Walker Hey there, losers. Would you look at this – here I am, taking some VERY valuable time
out of my busy schedule to write a little column for you, again. I mean, really, do you understand how lucky you are? TWF
is the only website who gets this treatment, and trust me, THOUSANDS of others are BEGGING me to write for them. And yet,
I get no respect for all my work. I mean, here I am, one of the most handsome, powerful, and handsome men on the planet, and
I’m devoting all this time to you, free of charge. Who do you think I am, that little douche-bag I send this to, James
Walker? This week, WHITE VANS AND CANDY THROUGH THE EYES OF VINCE MCMAHON, PART 2 As usual, there’s countless filthy rumors floating around the internet, and I think
it’s time to put them to rest just like Undertaker filling Paul Bearer’s cement tomb. That was such an emotional
moment. Rumor #1: Triple H buried John Cena with his promo on Raw Are you retards serious? I thought you were all
smarter than this. I was hoping you’d have figured out that we’re pushing John as the “underdog who always
overcomes the odds”, which despite popular belief, isn’t an oxymoron AT ALL. Wrestlemania is the Superbowl of
wrestling, and it’s here where you want to see THE marquee match up. It’s here you’ll see John Cena face
his ultimate test – the mighty, the powerful, and the gorgeous TRIPLE H! You’re telling me that as soon as the
odds are literally impossibly high, Cena has no chance? (Such as what you got? Damn, that’s a fine tune.) Triple H is
John’s ultimate test – it’s a true David VS Goliath. Except here, David has no stones, because my rings
don’t have gravel littered about. WHO SAYS I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY WORKERS?! Some people have said that when Hunter said John’s “biggest move is pumping up
his Reeboks”, that it stopped his momentum dead in his tracks. I beg to differ! This was simple product association!
Reebok is a multi-billion dollar business, and now people will associate John Cena with them – this will surely garner
him the admiration of all the athletic types! Or how about when John just sat there and took all of Triple H’s barbs
in stride, and repeated all those “facts”? Lots of people seem to think John wasn’t standing up for himself,
but you clearly don’t see the genius of the situation. By John telling the honest to goodness truth, this will win him
over with the 18-34 law enforcement officer & trial judge demographic. All we’re trying to do is garner some new
viewers, GEEZ. Plus, if you don’t think John Cena will get his payback, you’re gravely mistaken. Fully expect Cena to get a fluke pinfall over Hunter in a tag team match the Raw before
Mania. We did the same with Booker T before his Wrestlemania match with Hunter, and I don’t have to tell you how great
that was! Rumor #2: The Randy Orton/Rey Mysterio feud is tarnishing the legacy of Eddie Guerrero If I’ve heard of a big pile of mule shit, it’s this. When I die, I can only hope
for a tiny Mexican to look horribly pathetic compared to a mediocre pretty boy. Ideally, they’d act it out while Drowning
Pool played an acoustic version of the old Wrestlemania theme song. Oooh, also, I hope a young Levesque fetus lights might
casket on fire, and becomes the next mega-heel in this company. That’d be super. But I digress. Ok, so what, we’re totally profiting off of the use of Eddie’s name. You can’t
expect that I’d actually ‘support Vickie Guerrero and her children’ out of my own pocket, could you? And
if his kids aren’t a) old enough to go to Deep South Wrestling or b) young enough to go on a date with Jerry Lawler,
I had to find another way to get what’s mine. Thems the breaks. Come on, I’m not heartless. If someone like Chavo Guerrero ever came up to me and said
he didn’t like it, I’d stop the angle. Well, that’s what I’d tell him, before Randy Orton squashes
him in 3 minutes. Hee hee. Rumor #3: The ‘Wellness Program’ will not give equal treatment to all workers Well, ok, yeah, you’re right about this one. Big deal. Rumor #4: Mark Henry VS The Undertaker will be the worst Wrestlemania match, ever. Yeah, worse
than Bigelow VS Taylor. I’m not kidding here. What’s so bad about this match? You have got the Undertaker – a 4 time champion,
the most intimidating presence in the business, a legitimate legend of the sport, and a perfect 13-0 at Wrestlemania versus
a guy who’s all big and strong and stuff! MY GOD I’M ABOUT TO ORGASM! And what about “Mark Henry is a black hole of talent”? Helloooooooooooo, do you
NOT remember Viscera VS Mark Henry in a Press Slam Challenge, during June of 1999? I sure as hell don’t, but that sounds
AMAZING! On top of it all, The Undertaker has a GREAT track record of facing men slower than he –
Giant Gonzales, King Kong Bundy, Kamala, Papa Shango, Psycho Sid, The Bezerker, Mr. Hughes, Big Show, Albert, and Mabel. (Triv
bit: Mabel and Viscera are played by the same man! Won’t find inside information like THAT anywhere else!) I am, as the kids say, “stoked” for this match. It will rule ALL kinds of ass.
And hey, speaking of ass… Rumor #5: The Kiss My Ass Club is retarded. So, let me get this straight. You are all upset because I get my employees to pucker up and
physically kiss my very sculpted ass – big deal! I mean, who among us can say they’ve never forced someone they’ve
payed to put their lips on their bare flesh? I’m simply promoting the oldest profession in human history. When wrestlers
talk about ‘putting their body on the line’, it’s more than you really think. You think those ‘My
Sacrifice’ videos were about how hard they work in the gym? HA. But hey, quit acting like you're disgusted. Your constant complaints about my svelte ass reminds
me too much of a certain tanning salon attendant who doesn't know what's good for her. Not that I'm admitting to anything.
Never. And think about this – it could be a lot worse. I could have had Pat Patterson go out
there in my place. And he could be facing the other way. Ok kids, I’ve had enough of you. I’ll be around again to dispel all these filthy un-truths and
pro-lies you think you have the right to speak. It’s like you think there’s some amendment in the constitution
that gives you the right! You can get a hold of me at vince-mcmahon@hotmail.com, where
I’ll completely ignore you and ban you from WWE.com.
February 01, 2006
WHITE
VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: HE’S GRRRRRREEEAT!
And that man stars today in
March 13, 2006
March 27, 2006
This week, 
THIS WEEK,
I pee clearly
Every disease has no life
A bitter
pill and an awkward cream
And I'll leave em all
Leave it em on my behind
On this day
Every lump has
no life
Another chance to pee without screams
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel my sex drive
I'll
never tap that which shant be seen
Crabs won't waste my life again
I won't go down, my face would get stained
On
this day
I pee clearly
Every disease has no life
A bitter pill and an awkward cream
And I’ll leave em all
behind
On this day
It's been healed for me
Every wart has no life
Another chance pee without screams
Another
chance to feel
Chance to feel my sex drive
Herpes will kill me, all I could be
Lift these bandages, let
it breathe
Liquid Nitrogen will freeze,
Warts and any other disease!
On this day
I pee clearly
Every
sore has no life
Bitter pill
And an awkward cream
And I'll leave em all on my behind
On this day
It's been
healed for me
Every disease has no life
Now the chance to pee without screams
Now the chance to feel
Chance to
feel my sex drive
Against a tanning
machine, I’m in the wrong?
Disinterested attendants spreading lies about me are BITCHES
You'll find a cash settlement
in time
Now, buy a lawyer for this case now, girl
'Cause is just a matter of time
'Cause I got no pants,
no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants at all,
yeah
C'mon, c'mon, come and get it, come on
C'mon, c'mon, come and get it, come on
C'mon, c'mon, come and
get it, come on
C'mon, c'mon, come and get it, come on
No pants that's.... (yeah)
'Cause I got
no pants, no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants at all
I got no pants, no pants
at all, yeah
I know I’m preaching
I got the
book
That drives the atheists wild
I got the faith
But I’m still unfaithful
I send pills
Up
and down their drinks
I'm just a Jesus boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy (Job boy)
I'm just a Jesus
boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy (Job boy)
It makes em hot
It fucks up their liver
Their knees get
weak
Whenever GHBK is around
Jesus, see me walk
Vince, hear me talk
I’ll go up to heaven
Even
with my hypocritical whine
I'm just a Jesus boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy (Job boy)
I'm just a Jesus
boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy (Job boy)
Eat McMahon’s ass out, Shawn
Hands off the grapefruits.
I'm
just a Jesus boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy (Job boy)
I'm just a Jesus boy (Jesus boy)
I'm not your Job boy
(Job boy)
Sobriety
is a mystery
Trippin’ with monkeys that no one sees
Vince makes a fool of RVD
PCP, Heroin, and blow
Steroids
have side effects too, you know
Testicles cease to be
I see a line of my coke
With this contract, I’ll
never go broke
Looking back to see where I puked
Sobriety, Sobriety
See the rules change
‘Wellness
Program’, it’s my disdain
But you know it’ll all stay the same
We know what it means
Just a way
to fire Snitsky
Uncompromising? Unrealistic.
I see a line of my coke
With this contract, I’ll never
go broke
By myself, I cannot stand
Sobriety, Sobriety
I
am WWE’s Attention Span,
Fight for the rights of our top man.
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Forget what's
right-forget winning tonight
When your push slows down and it hurts inside,
You can’t take a stand-
it won't help to cry.
If you ain’t my friends then I’ll hurt your pride.
I gotta be a dick - I can't let
it slide.
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Fight for the rights of our top man.
I am WWE’s Attention
Span,
Forget what's right-forget winning tonight
Well I feel justified 'bout right and wrong
And I don't
change for very long.
I've got something deep inside of me,
Patterson gives me a winning streak!
I am WWE’s
Attention Span,
Fight for the rights of our top man.
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Forget what's right-forget
winning tonight
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Fight for the rights of our top man.
I am WWE’s
Attention Span,
Forget what's right-forget winning tonight
If you ain’t my friends then I’ll hurt
your pride.
I gotta be a dick - I can't let it slide.
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Fight for the rights
of our top man.
I am WWE’s Attention Span,
Forget what's right-forget winning tonight
Yes it's a really bad show tonight
Yeah,
it's the B-Show
Come on turn it off and go out to the bar
Well get ready for nothin'
That you haven’t
seen before
You won't see it Friday
Whatever, I bet it blows
The B-Show
Wellllll, well it's the B-Show
Yes
it's a really bad show tonight
Yeah, it's the B-Show
Come on turn it off and go out to the bar
Well get
ready for nothin'
That you haven’t seen before
You won't see it Friday
Whatever, I bet it blows
The B-Show
It's all about the
peekaboo game, and how you play it
All about sperm counts, and if you can take it
All about ultrasounds, and if you
can interpret it
It's all about the pain, and Steph’s gonna hate it
I am the peekaboo game, you dont
wanna play me
I am your child, no way you can shake me
I am a mother, no way I’ll fellate thee
I am fatherhood
and I know you can't take me
Look over your shoulder, ready to run
There’s a little Hunter, Stephy’s
new number one
I am mini-game and now I make the rules
So move on out, and get a napkin for the drool.
Trying
to figure out what my move's gonna be
Come on over sucker why dont u ask me
Dont you forget theres a price you can pay
Cuz
I am the game and I want to play
{Rattle solo}
Time to play the peekaboo game
Bwahahahaha
Time
to play the peekaboo game
It's all about the peekaboo game, and how you play it
All about sperm counts, and
if you can take it
All about ultrasounds, and if you can interpret it
It's all about the pain, and Steph’s gonna
hate it
I am the peekaboo game, you dont wanna play me
I am your child, no way you can shake me
I am a
mother, no way I’ll fellate thee
I am fatherhood and I know you can't take me
To play the game you're
gonna be the same
You're gonna change your name you're gonna die in flames
Bwahahahaha
Time to play the
peekaboo game
Time to play the peekaboo game
Time to play the peekaboo game
Time to play the peekaboo game
Bwahahahaha
Time
to play the peekaboo game!
BWAAAAAHAHAAAAAAA
VINCE MCMAHON PRESENTS:
February 06, 2006
February 14, 2006
February 27, 2006
