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By Martin Ferguson

 

Martin Ferguson

 

In my ideal dream I’m having sex with Mickie James in the middle of a field while a herd of Rhynos clashes with a herd of potted plants in the background, all while “Dream Weaver” plays. Unfortunately, however, the potted plants are too expensive as are the guys who sing “Dream Weaver”, and it would take slaughtering countless women to get enough eggs to clone an entire herd of Rhynos. Then I’d have to go to the Supreme Court to convince them that playing God is okay when nobody’s currenly filling the role. And even then I’d have to wait 20 years or so for the Rhynos to be developed enough to go through with it. But yeah, I’ve already got Mickie’s number. Definitely.

 

Anyway, WWE and the movies go hand in hand. Just look at the laundry list of movies a wrestler’s been involved in: No Holds Barred. Suburban Commando. Tag-Team. Hell Comes to Frogtown. Blade Trinity. See No Evil. Jornada del Muerte (haven’t heard of that one? Long story short: Triple-H in a western. Check it out in theaters (and on Wrestlecrap) in 2007).

 

What’s In WWE’s Theater This Week?

 

My Hooker Ex-Girlfriend: Matt Hardy had it all. A mid-card slot on the Raw brand, a knee injury that had him out on the shelf for almost a year, and a younger brother in another company who was constantly stoned out of his mind. What a life. But one day, when the wife of his best friend Adam Copeland called him and told him Adam had been sleeping with his longtime girlfriend Amy Dumas, Matt snapped. A year later, Edge is WWE champion, Lita's getting paid to stand in Edge's corner and do nothing, and Matt's getting a fluke pinfall over Ken Kennedy on Smackdown and Ken still gets the better deal out of it. Matt should clearly have known better than to overreact, however, as it's not like Edge is the first Canadian in WWE to steal another guy's girl or anything. Is it any coincidence that him and Benoit used to be tag champs together? I think not.

 

Lady in the Water: But enough of my fantasy to drown Kelly Kelly, let’s move on.

 

You, Me, and Rene Dupree: When Rene Dupree is fired after somebody comes to the realization he's been off TV for the past year, he is invited to stay with his friend Kenny and his fiancee, the bipolar clinically insane lesbian known as Mickie James, until he can find a job. What happens when you mix a male cheerleader who, whenever somebody says his name, four other guys show up and announce their names as well (it gets awkward when he watches South Park), a psychopath obsessed with Trish Stratus, and an American-hating Frenchman who always seems to have a boner? Hilarity!

 

McMahon Returns: In a moment that unsurprisingly pisses off smarks and marks alike, Stephanie McMahon-Levesque makes her glorious(ly shitty) return to WWE programming. Thrill as a very pregnant Steph wins a bikini contest! Warm your heart as Triple-H gets more screen time than ever (which at this point would mean that he'd be on-screen for the entire show)! Learn the true meaning of evil not from 9/11 but from Vince McMahon's 1993 steroid trial! Cry (with joy) as the nefarious Lex Luger returns and does to Stephanie what he did to Liz! Wonder why he goes by Gregory instead of Shane!

 

Jobbers of New England: Undertaker's Chest: You get this next week.

 

John Cena Must Die: It's August 21, 2006, and people worldwide are pissed. John Cena, infamous for his bland promos, formulaic matches, the Five Knuckle Shuffle (not this  (Tm. James Walker)), and the fact that he is the only man to ever fuck up an STF, much less every time he tries it, has just won back his WWE title, in his home state of Massasuckass no less. To make matters worse, at Unforgiven he is defending against none other the Samoan savage known as Umaga. That’s when the IWC decides that before September 17, 2006, the date of Unforgiven, John Cena must die.

 

Little Man: Rey Mysterio, the smallest man on the roster at only 5'6" and 165 lbs. After winning the Royal Rumble which he dedicated to his deceased friend Eddie (who may or may not have impregnated Rey’s wife and scarred his son for life), Rey went on to win the World title at Wrestlemania 22 from Kurt Angle. Now that Rey’s World champion, he gets squashed by... well, just about everybody. Now that’s smart booking!

 

The Devil’s A Panda: WWF, the World Wildlife Fund, has long been on Vince McMahon’s bad side. Since 1994, WWE, then also known as the WWF, had numerous run-ins with them over the usage of the initials. When the wrestling company was forced to change their name to World Wrestling Entertainment in 2002, Vince was furious. So much so that he set out to destroy all the pandas, the WWF’s mascot of sorts. Rumor is he’s sending Dick Cheney and Paul Heyman to do it so he can kill two birds with one stone.

 

Miami Price: The Rock wants huge money to come in and help save the WWE. Vince McMahon is a cheapskate who doesn’t believe in paying his talent anywhere near as much as they deserve, and doesn’t even provide benefits or pay for hotels, despite having himself receiving three separate checks from the company a month, and one for his wife as well. Who will win this battle of wits!? Probably Rock. Just ask Goldberg, Scott Steiner, Steve Austin, or Hulk Hogan. If Vince decides he needs you, he’ll give you what you want.

 

Monster (Without) Blouse: Imagine it. You’ve paid big money for that front seat to SummerSlam, and you’re having a good time. Carlito and Johnny Nitro have just had a *** encounter, and now is time for a bikini contest to cool the crowd down before Hulk Hogan blows the roof off the place. Trish, Mickie, Melina, Maria, and all the other hot women are involved, as are Candice and Torrie. Suddenly, familiar music hits and out comes a pair of women no fan ever wants to see again. Mae Young pulls up her shirt, and walks over directly in front of you. That kind of horror puts The Exorcist to shame.

 

Jake the Snake’s on a Plane: “Don’t worry, that’s not anthrax. That’s just my cocaine stash.” It’d be Ed Leslie all over again.

 

How to Eat Guy’s Worms: But enough of my fantasy to bone Trish Stratus, let's move on.

 

Cars: Imagine this: you’re traveling down the interstate, driving 55 mph. This guy behind you begins honking the horn, and you hear shouting from the car behind you, telling you to speed up. You reach a stop sign, and though there is no one in sight, you stop. The guy behind you gets out of his car, opens your door, and pulls you out, chops you across the chest three times then locks you in a figure-four, all while wearing a red coat, red underwear, and those same red boots he wore in the Undertaker-Austin Backlash 2002 match. Then the Minnesota Wrecking Crew pulls up and beats your leg with a chair, and you spend the next few months talking about getting down to ‘bidness’ before going to your employer’s rival and having to wear polka dots. I don’t doubt that this is how it actually happened.

 

Let’s Get Ready to Pimp It!</DX>

 

Just check out the main page. Good stuff all around, and I don’t feel like listing them all whenever chances are I won’t leave anything off anyway.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).