Whatcha gonna do when the lightnin' flash
And your bridges burn and ya start to crash
And a pill won't take that pain away
But it makes you feel good in a different way
Who ya gonna blame when the man calls time
And the clock runs down and your soul is mine

And how ya gonna pray when ya hands are tied
And you look in my face…I LIED!!

FINAL DEATHWATCH UPDATE:

That’s a wrap, folks.  Today was the final Impact on FSN, as their contract expired.  Oh, TNA is still around, but the question is exactly when and where they’ll wind up next.  TSN wanted another six-month commitment, but TNA chose to seek their fortune elsewhere and cancelled the scheduled 5/31/05 TV taping in Olrando.  The biggest immediate concern is that this leaves TNA without TV for three weeks before their next PPV…maybe.  It seems to be a lock that TNA will soon wind up on WGN, but the official announcement has yet to be made.

If you’re just now joining us for the first time…eh, don’t bother.  Thanks for the click, but really, what’s the point?  Do you truly want to get emotionally invested in these characters and storylines only to have your heart ripped out, leaving you crying in your cappuccino at a table with Matt Hardy and Simon Diamond?  Okay, fine, it’s your life.  Just don’t come bitching to me next Friday when you tune in to find a documentary on surfing, or whatever stupid crap FSN tends to run on afternoons.

If you haven’t already, go probe my Hard Justice over HERE.  You heard me.

FINAL NWA TNA IMPACT ON FSN (5/27/05)

Final Impact opened with a recap of last week’s malarkey as Jeff Jarrett, who has been the face of the company for their entire existence, fell into the black hole slam of Abyss.  Ironic, no?  I just now noticed that there’s a clip of Sabu in the open of the show.  When was the last time he wrestled for TNA, anyway?

1) B.G. James & Ron Killings beat AMW at 3:29.  Killings snatched the mic away from BG during his intro, and instantly became my favorite wrestler ever.  Truth said, “Oh, NOW you wanna talk,” and tossed away the mic.  Very nice.  The Kru bickered throughout the match, and announcers also emphasized that AMW had words with each other after last week’s loss to Team Canada.  Not much to the match.  Nothing was wrong with it, but nothing stood out, either.  Finish saw James Storm pass a chair in the ring to Chris Harris, but Harris hesitated to use it, which allowed Killings to axe-kick him into said chair (right in front of the referee) for the pin.  AMW argued while Killings seemingly left BG to celebrate alone.  Killings then took the mic and put BG on the spot, but before BG could answer, he shoved Killings aside and took the bullet from an Outlaw run-in clothesline.  Outlaw got the better of Killings until Konnan made the save in his return.  Konnan immediately did his “shoe-throw” spot, which Don West excitedly howled was, “the ultimate sign of disrespect!”  Be that as it may, if the crowd digs it, the shoe thing is fine for a comedy spot, but not for a returning babyface who wants to destroy the heel who put him on the shelf.  Fans threw a couple shoes in the ring for the Kru.  It’s official, I hate this spot.  Killings shoed BG (which the cameras missed), so West brayed that BG was just “coldcocked” with a shoe.  BG then made West look like a moron by immediately recovering and walking over to the Kru who were stomping Outlaw.  That’s another thing about that spot.  Now Konnan is stomping Outlaw with his sock.  Now do you believe me?  Anyhoo, Konnan and Killings shoved BG down and bailed on him.  Nice metaphoric visual as the Kru left down one aisle while Outlaw left down the other, with a confused BG in the middle of it all.  (Mike)

A commercial for Slammiversary aired, explaining the rules for the King Of The Mountain main event.  Basically, if one wrestler scores a fall on another, the fall-ee must go to a penalty box for two minutes, while the fall-er has two minutes to try and climb a ladder and hang the belt on a hook dangling above the ring.  Like a reverse ladder match, I guess.

Backstage, Terry Taylor interviewed AMW who were yelling at each other.  The Red Rooster chided the lads for their “slump.”  Those who live in glass henhouses, Terry.  Chris Harris poo-poo’ed Terry, but Storm said they needed to change.  Storm vowed to “start” with a rematch against 3LK at the PPV.  As the interview ended, AMW went off in different directions, which is always a nice, subtle sign of an impending turn/swerve.

2) Zach Gowen pinned Romeo at 2:39.  How appropriate is it that the one-legged wrestler is on the final Impact, a show that no one thought would have ANY legs?  Romeo bullied Zach until he came back with a tornado DDT and a leg lariat off the second rope.  Don West helpfully suggested that Romeo should “take it like (Zach) is a man with two legs and just go at it!”  Great plan, but what happens if Romeo goes for a figure-four?  Finish saw stumpy knock Romeo off the ropes and hit his moonsault for the pin.  Good “freakshow” pop for the Zachster.  West said the ‘sault reminded him of Trinity at Lockdown, while Mike Tenay called it a “picture-perfect moonsault.”  I beg to differ, Professor.  If it was a perfect picture, the guy would have two legs.  Just saying.  Also, I thought it was funny that the lads talked up Zach’s “Impact debut,” seeing as how this was the last Impact.  (David)

The Rooster interviewed Chris Sabin, who said, “I should’ve known better than to trust (Traci).  It’s my fault – no one else’s – but I won’t make the same mistake twice.”  That was Trinity’s cue to interrupt Sabin, and ask him to make the same mistake twice.  At the Rooster’s crow, they rolled the footage from last week of Michael Shane and Traci talking smack about Sabin and Trin.  After thinking it over for two seconds, Sabin said okay, but just business and “nothing more.”  Meaning what?  No anal?  Trin said they’d shake on it, and proceeded to shake her whatnots at him.  I don’t know if I’ll ever again have the chance to say this, but I LOVE TRINITY~!  Seriously though, out of all the Stephanie angles where a woman betrays/humiliates a man, this was the best babyface retort I’ve seen yet.  He learned from his mistake and now there’s hell to pay.  Maybe.  But still, compare that to a guy crying in the locker room, or emo-whining on his website about his FGF, FCF, GHB, or whatever.

Coach Scott D’Amore joined the announce table.  In a totally unrelated story, D’Amore is the head of the new booking committee.  Lance Hoyt vs. Bobby Roode is officially on for Slammiversary.

3) Lance Hoyt pinned Bruno Sassi (w/ Big Tilly) at 2:13.  From now on, when a guy is over for no apparent reason, I’m going to say they have “Hoyt charisma.”  At least he was in there with the better worker of Phi Delta Slam.  I almost made it through that sentence with a straight face.  Bruno took over with a low blow behind the referee’s back, prompting D’Amore to make the shoot comment, “If (Hoyt) is struggling with Bruno, how is he gonna have a chance against Bobby Roode?”  Speaking of Phi Delta Suck, it turns out that the reason they were brought back to Hard Justice was that DDP was upset about doing the job in his match, so they let him diamond-cut three guys (PDS and Outlaw) before falling to the asspounce.  Hoyt came back with a shoulderblock, then polished off Bruno with an impressive moonsault.  Wasn’t that the finish of the last match, too?  After the match, D’Amore distracted Hoyt, allowing Roode to attack Hoyt with a hockey stick while D’Amore taunted him.  (Chris)

Time for the final second half of the final FSN Impact.  They showed stills from the Raven angle last week.  I understand they do that for PPVs because they want to sell the replays.  But for a free TV show?  The hell?  Anyway, they showed “unseen footage” from last week, where Raven was leaving the building in an SUV.  Dude, SUVs are NOT a good fit for Raven’s character.  “I ONLY GET SIX MILES TO THE GALLON!  QUOTE THE RAVEN, NEVERMORE!!”  He should have a broken-down jalopy that his father used to beat him against or something.  Anyway, Rave almost mowed down Camera Man (I guess that’s his name because it’s what Raven kept calling him), then cut a promo into the camera while Camera Man was still laying on the ground.  Raven vowed revenge on Dusty, pointing out that since he quit, he has “no allegiance to anything.”  Sooooooo…it’s just like before except he’s not getting a paycheck anymore?  I kid, but I liked this.  It was original and even at his hokiest, Raven can still out-promo 90% of the industry.

The Rooster interviewed NWA Tag champs The Naturals.  The Nats are officially babyfaces now.  I can safely say that because I know they can’t contradict me next week.  The Nats cut a promo on Team Canada (their PPV challengers), and promised, “He sat us down and went over a game plan,” referring to their new mystery advisor.  Thank god Russo isn’t around anymore, because then the payoff would be Jim Neidhart under a yellow mask as “He.”  The best payoff this angle could have is if their new guru turns out to be someone closely associated with Candido in the eyes of fans, like Shane Douglas or Tom Prichard.  But since they referred to mystery Yoda as “he,” I guess Tammy’s out.

4) NWA World Tag champions The Naturals beat David Young & Lex Lovett in a non-title match at 2:24.  Granted, Young Love isn’t the best measuring stick, but my first instinct is that the Nats make better weasel punk heels than noble lion babyfaces, but hey, life is what happens while you’re making other plans.  Chase Stevens pinned Lovett after a Natural Disaster.  Petey Williams & Eric Young ran-in for yet another post-match-pre-PPV brawl.  The Nats held their own until A1 ran-in to give the Cannucks a three-on-two advantage.  A1 jackhammered Andy Douglas, and Petey gave Chase one final FSN Canadian Destroyer for old time’s sake.  Petey had his hair done up like Yoshi Kwan for some reason.  (Mike)

Another backstage Taylor interview, this time with Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown.  They should call these things “The Rooster Coop” or something.  Jarrett vowed to regain his title at the PPV and blasted Abyss for not drinking his kool-aid.  In a nice little show of heel condescension, Jarrett said that Monty knew which side was the right one and concluded, “Let’s go, Monty,” before Monty got a chance to speak.  JJ left, but rather than follow along, Monty cut a brief promo saying there was only one Alpha Male.  Rooster should have replied that he was the Alpha Cock.  Okay, that’s the last Rooster joke, I promise.

5) NWA World champion A.J. Styles & Sean Waltman beat Jeff Jarrett & Monty Brown at 8:37.  Waltman came out with a towel, then clumsily dropped it, and threw it to the crowd.  Douche.  Fans were chating “A.J.” before the intros were over.  One last FSN commercial break for the road.  I am SO not going to miss that goddamn Blue Hippo commercial that offers to approve me for a “brand name” computer for “only $35 a week.”  That’s $1,820 a year, tools.  The Js started, with Jeff quickly tagging Monty after eating a nice dropkick.  Jeff and Monty have a nice chemistry together, as the sneak hiding behind the powerhouse.  Monty powered out of a Waltman pin and leveled him with a clothesline.  Abyss watched from the aisle, so Orlando fans did their “Abyss” chant.  Embarrassingly bad spot saw Monty try to block Waltman’s bronco buster by catching him low with a boot, but Waltman leapt completely over his leg, then sold it anyway.  Heat on Surreal Sean until he suplexed out of Jarrett’s sleeper.  AJ got the hot tag and cleaned house, culminating with a springboard double-clothesline.  Jarrett lowbridged Styles, leading to another Sean-Monty blown spot.  Between this match and their Lockdown finish, these two should probably just be kept as far away from each other as possible in the future.  But at least this time, the improvisation worked.  Monty was supposed to catch Waltman’s crossbody for a fallaway slam.  (You know the same move Waltman’s buddy Scott Hall once broke his neck with.)  Monty lost his grip on the greasy little critter, but used his legit superhuman strength to complete the move anyway.  The final result actually looked like a nice fallaway fisherman’s slam.  While Monty did his “bad posture” pose to the camera, Jarrett covered for two, effectively trying to steal Monty’s pin.  Monty called for the pounce, but Jarrett grabbed his guitar so Monty aborted said pounce and held Waltman for the impending kabong.  JJ got into a tug-of-war with the ref, allowing Waltman to low-blow Monty and pull off the old switcheroo behind JJ’s back.  Of course, JJ won the tug-of-war and spun around to accidentally kabong Monty.  The crowd popped huge for the clever spot.  Waltman clamped down on Jarrett so Styles could give Monty the spiral tap for the pin.  I think the story here was that Monty was on the right track, but Jarrett snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.  The announcers didn’t really play it up as they should have.  As the show closed, Waltman coveted his partner’s championship belt before forking it over.  Waltman-Monty spotlexia aside, this was a solid match with a great finish.  The intrigue between everyone made for a great build to Slammiversary, to boot.  (Kerry)

Overall over-analysis: It’s hard to get sentimental about a show that never really had one of those unforgettable moments (Hall invades, Austin stuns McMahon), but still, this is more of a buzzkill than a relief for me.  I enjoyed recapping the show more often than not, and I’m sad to see it go.  If/when TNA returns to broadcast cable, we’ll have coverage of it right here.  So as is the current battle cry for TNA fans, stay tuned.

As for today’s show, the new booking committee delivered once again with a strong, focused show that was all about selling the PPV.  Well, and having a one-legged guy squash a talented guy who deserves better.  But if nothing else, the main event alone ended the TNA/FSN relationship with a bang.

This Observer’s Thumb…………………is up.

-HDS-

Slammiversary PPV lineup (6/19/05):

King of the Mountain match for the NWA World Title:

A.J. Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Monty Brown vs. Abyss vs. ? (rumored to be Sean Waltman)

XD Title: Christopher Daniels vs. Chris Sabin (w/ Trinity) vs. Michael Shane (w/ Traci)

NWA World Tag Title: The Naturals (w/ He?) vs. Petey Williams & Eric Young (w/ D’Amore)

AMW vs. Konnan & B.G. James

Ron Killings vs. Outlaw

Lance Hoyt vs. Bobby Roode (w/ D’Amore)