BULLFROG: So, which female wrestler would you most like to partake in S & M sex games with?
ANGLE: I'm fine thanks, how are you?
Right. Anyway. TNA. Earlier today at city hall Detective Sting investigated public records that can tell us what Abyss did. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I mean, sorry to go all Anvil on you but JESUS CHRIST how stupid can this fucking angle have gotten. We have a massive emotional build up to Abyss revealing the secret and it ends in a trip to your local library. BOLLOCKS. Anyway, highlights of last weeks show, are you sitting comfortably, then we'll begin.
Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring to start us off properly on this weeks Impact. The fans, he claims, want to know why on earth he saved Kurt Angle. It is because Angle didn't beat him at Final Resolution, he just ran out of time but now he has all the tie in the world. He wants to give Kurt a fair title shot and he is the very unofficial enforcer at the PPV. He's sure that Angle will destroy Christian Cage without Tomko and once this has happened they can fight for the NWA Title. Nice one, completely bury the title fight and tell us a great angle so it'll be predictable if it does happen or we'll be disappointed if it doesn't. Brilliant.
My future guest on this very recap, Kurtston Q Anglesworth III comes out. He says he assumed that his feud with Joe was over, what better way to tie it up than a stalemate, eh. Angle reckons Joe is Christians consultant, and warms him that he just better not get involved in the match but Joe says he is no liar and at the PPV he will be his best friend then he'll take the title away from him. I can't work out whether or not I like them telling us what's supposedly going to happen. Now Cage is out with Tomko and he says Joe is not his consultant cos he's not bloody good enough but the consultant is close to Angle. And now it's time for everyones favorite formulaic brawl between Joe and Angle.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Abyss and a somewhat disgruntled Father James Mitchell. Mitchell wants Sting to meet them in the prison yard at Against All Odds. Oh yeah that's a reasonable and safe thing for him to do. Mitchell says its one thing to piss him off but an entirely different kettle of pain to piss of Abyss. Sting may think he's opening up heaven by revealing the secret but really he's igniting heaven on fire. All this over cheerleader necrophilia. What, I'm assuming.
We see footage of Cornette meeting with Serotonin earlier that very day. He gently points out that they are employed as wrestlers not as some kind of crazed S&M party and Raven needs to earn his pay by wrestling Rhino.
RHINO vs. RAVEN w/ S&M PARTY
Rhino gores every member of Serotonin he can see then Raven hits the ring but WAIT its AJ Styles dressed as Raven. That is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever seen since I started recapping this show. Jesus. He then canes the holy hell right out of the War Machine then waffles him with a chair.
Cage is bullying the staff in the TV truck. How very DX. He bosses them around and demands more cameras on him and refers to them as geeks. No references to oral sex though which means they are not the most unfortunate TV truck team in professional wrestling.
It's Paparazzi time and Shelley is in the back with Jeremy Borash and Eric Young. He's buying condoms. Lolz. Eric Young needs extra small ones. LOLZ. Miss Tennessee and some other people walk into the store and make jokes. Slick Johnson is there and he mocks Young, makes gay jokes and leave. That was so funny it looped round and became unfunny again. Yup.
CHRIS SABIN vs. SENSHI vs. JERRY LYNN vs. AUSTIN STARR
Clusterfuck, anyone? Sabin throws a ton of people out of the ring but Lynn rolls him up for a two count, then hits a dropkick for another one. This is seemingly tag rules as Starr and Sabin stay on the apron. Lynn and Senshi trade counters and another near fall. Sabin tags in and starts hammering down Senshi, stomping him down before Starr gets a chance to have a go at Senshi. Running dropkicks for two but Starr makes the fatal mistake of celebrating and Senshi kicks him to the metaphorical curb. Starr tags in Sabin and Senshi takes another beating before being put in a chinlock by Sabin who mocks Jerry Lynn while he's at it. Senshi tags in Lynn who comes in and hits Sabin with a dropkick then a TKO for a two count/ Senshi and Starr brawl Sabin misses a cradle shock which allows Jerry Lynn to get a roll up for the win.
WINNER: JERRY LYNN
Leticia is with my favourite team of all time, the hilarious VKM. BG wants to apologize to Christ Hemme. Kip continues with the sexism but BG wants none of it and leaves. Interesting...
We see a video package showing an injured Konnan saying an attack on him is an attack on the whole LAX nation. They will strike when Team 3D least expect it. They've broke up AMW and AJ/Daniels and Team 3D are next. He's coming alright, and Hells coming with him (5 people got that).
Detective Sting makes his way down to the ring and says he is fucking shocked at what Abyss did. It turns out that Abyss pumped three bullets into a man and put him into a coma. And that man was.....HIS FATHER! Dear me. Abyss charges the ring and beats the holy hell out of the holy man. Abyss beats him all the way backstage, chokeslamming the preacherman through a table. Mitchell appears and it's a Fireball to Sting~!
Tenay and West are APPALLED as we see footage of Sting being loaded into an ambulance. Christian Cage wants them to send the ambulance back for Chris Daniels who we get an interview with afterwards.
CHRISTIAN CAGE vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
Right hands from Daniels then a hip toss off the ropes. Cage is sent into the ropes but hits the Fallen Angel with a back elbow. Daniels gets a slam and a sling shot elbow for a two count. Daniels starts beating on Cage in the corner then goes up top only to get hit by the belt with Tomko. Cage grabs Daniels then Joe runs in with a chair. He sis down and Cage lays the boot into Daniels and we go to commercials. We return and Cage is in full control of the match. Borash asks why Joe is here and he responds that he wants to make a point to his good friend Kurtston. Cage is talking trash and goes for a suplex but its countered into a roll up. Cage and Tomko talk as Joe looks on, Cage slaps Daniels but gets an STO for his troubles. Jabs by Daniels then a sweet leg lariat. Running knee strike then the DVD but it only gets a two. Daniels hits a running Asai moonsault but still can only get two. He hits the Uranage but misses a picture perfect moonsault. Cage gets a schoolboy for two but the unprettier is countered into a Koji Clutch. Joe keeps Tomko at bay but Cage hits a low blow, Unprettier and one two three.
WINNER: CHRISTIAN CAGE
Cage steals Joe's towel and then gives him a cheeky thumbs up. Angle hits the ring and stares down Joe. They argue but thankfully no brawl whilst Daniels looks upset. The end.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The possible breakup of the VKM
SHOW LOWLIGHT: The pure unsaturated silliness of the Abyss murder angle.
We are informed that mere minutes before the show came on air none other than Sting attacked Father James Mitchell, slapped him around and threw him in the boot of a car. Because I'm British it's not a trunk it's a boot, if you have any complaints about my use of a dialect that over half my readers wont understand you can e-mail them to my ass. Or James Walker (I'm sure he's sick of hearing how awesome he is, about time he had a chance to open some hate mail, even if it isn't for him). Anyone, a camera crew will be following the minister and his kidnapper, God it's like a night out in Chicago.
Jeremy Borash is backstage with Team 3D who are none too happy with their little brother Runt. Goddamnit, of all the people to turn out to be an idiot who would've thought it'd be the one called Runt. And after kicking Brother Sensible out in case he dropped the ball. Apparently they have been screwed by everyone for over ten years, but never expected their own family to screw them (shat all over my Brother Sensible joke), they had the title but Runt cost them and if he gets in their way it will be the last thing he does. Cue video of Runt screwing his brothers. Incest!
LAX vs. TEAM 3D
ONCE AGAIN a match starts with a sneak attack from behind as Team 3D sneak out from the back to attack LAX, who were announced by Moody Jack. Brawling on the floor in a very technically sound and gripping manner, Homicide and Devon are in the ring and Brother Runt runs out, who the fuck saw that one coming, but Ray grabs him and drags him to the back but that allows Homicide to get the advantage. Splash combo from LAX who are now firmly in control of the former reverend. Ray comes back out and Homicide tags in and starts hitting the right hands before Hernandez comes in to hit the slingshot shoulder block for a two. A splash is missed by Hernandez and Devon takes down Homicide and everyones down. Devon tags in Brother Ray who hits a backdrop to Homicide and Samoan Drop to Hernandez. Homicide hits a big rana but Ray sells it in the same way Lita sells sex safe advice and hits him with a clothesline. Homicide is tossed to the floor and his parnter gets slammed but Moody Jack is at ringside to distract Team 3D. Jack gives Hernandez a slapjack and he proceeds to muller Ray with it for three.
Jeremy Borash is backstage again, he must dream of one day being released to stand in the ring. Abyss is beating the shit out of every object he sees and screaming his tits off cos he can't find Mitchell. That's a...reasonable reaction.
Gail Kim and Jacqueline are brawling in the ladies room. What a feud this is going to be. Tenay and West talk about the pay per view and Hemme's speech. We then get a sit-down interview with Hemme who thinks women DESERVE RESPECT then I pull out my nail gun and aim it at my eyes. Oh yes, the VKM are here. Kip James says....actually you know what I don't care. I really do not give a shit and I went to get a Coke. There I said it.
Christian Cage is on his way to the ring to tell us 'I told you so'. His first opponent is going to be Kurt Angle who is, apparently, the biggest ass he ever met. Angle comes out to defend himself against donkey accusations and reminds Cage to be careful who he calls out, least unsanitary actions be performed on his wife. Ech. He says that Cage better give that title a thorough polishing because he's getting it taken away at the next PPV then spits on him. Yes, spits on him. But it's ok though, cos Cage says he can get all up in Kurt's mind and has enlisted the help of a consultant. This consultant is intense and can't stand Kurt Angle and he wrestles just like him. Eric Angle. Bet you. Cage says Goldberg and Lesnar as the crowd chants RVD but he doesn't quite divulge it. Angle locks in the Ankle Lock but Cage escapes.
Sting has taken Mitchell to the prison that Abyss was at. I imagine this whole thing will have to do with Abyss becoming someone's bitch and the dvd is of a porn film made. Yeah, that'll be it. Mitchell says 'Chris Parks' was here for 6 years but it's nothing to do with Sting. Mitchell says Abyss is nothing, an animal that he uses as a meal ticket. Sting, though, sees a man in Abyss, a SIX FOOT EIGHT man. Sting handcuffs Mitchell to a fence and says he will get his answers from Abyss. Because it worked so well all those other times, right? Tenay says Sting is on the way back to the Impact Zone.
It's paparazzi time and Alex Shelley has a gift for Jeremy Borash. Nash says it's time for the X Division boys to go off and make their own way in the world. It's time, apparently, for an extreme makeover. Starr appears and attacks Senshi, they brawl but Dutt and Lethal break it up.
Angle is backstage yelling at Cornette. Well actually he's always yelling so really it's become talking for him. Cornette doesn't know who he's enlisted but tonight Kurt has to battle AJ Styles. No reason for it, just thought he'd make a random match.
LANCE HOYT vs. JAMES STORM w/MISS TENNESSEE
Miss Tennessee is Jacqueline Moore. Or is Jacqueline Moore, Miss Tennessee? If a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound? If I go to America, kill Michael Cole then flee to Mexico will I get found out? Ah the philosophical debates. Anyway Storm does the customary attack before the bell but he gets clotheslined and flapjacked. Hoyt goes up top but Jackie gets him right where it hurts then Storm moves in with a reverse corner DDT. Jackie nails Hoyt as the ref is distracted and Storm takes advantage with some right hands. Hoyt hits a big boot and Torborg jumps over the railing to distract him whilst Jackie distracts the ref. Peirsinkski runs in and nails Hoyt with a chair shot to set up for a super kick by Storm.
WINNER: JAMES STORM
Gail Kim attacks Jackie but Storm tosser her into the ring then hits an 8-second ride on her as Perskinski and Toborg beat down Lance. Petey runs in to save Gail but gets low blowed and super kicked.
Borash is backstage (surprise!) and he's hyping our main event. Eric Young is here and Miss Brooks is just driving him bonkers! Next week he and JB will go shopping for condos. AJ comes in, kicks Eric Young and says it is truly a great day because he gets to face Angle. Filling the shoes of legends like Scotty 2 Hotty and thousands of other fantastic jobbers. After some formulaic arrogance we see Sting return to the arena and go to our main event.
KURT ANGLE vs. AJ STYLES
Angle takes down Styles to start, slaps him then lets him get up only to clothesline him a couple of time and hit some uppercuts. Angle is fully in control, throwing AJ into the ropes and hitting him with a belly to belly then some blows to the back. Tomko then walks out for the purpose of distraction as Angle hits some more uppercuts. AJ gets some right hands but misses a corner splash setting up for an immense release German by Angle. Angle calls on Tomko but AJ hits a low blow with the ropes and is in full control when we return from commercials. Angle fights out of the chinlock but gets hit with an Enziguiri for a two count. AJ hits a springboard forearm for two which pisses him right off. Tomko distracts the ref but AJ misses a chairshot and Angle hits the Olympic Slam.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Angle starts laying into Tomko but Cage runs out and a beatdown is initiated. AJ joins in but Rhino comes out and sees to him then Joe runs out and clears the ring of Cage and Tomko. Joe stares Kurt down and Cage asks if Kurt has a clue yet and security hits the ring.
Sting comes to the ring and calls out Abyss who obliges coming to the ring with a chain. Sting wants to know what Abyss is hiding but he's saying no, so Sting SWERVES, HE SWERVES GODDAMNIT and hits Abyss with a bat and decides to go find out for himself. Probably seems obvious to him now.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Main event would've been decent but was cut in half by a commercial break
SHOW LOWLIGHT: I do not care for swerves. Not at all.
This recap is dedicated to Bam Bam Bigelow. Although let's be honest, he'll probably be back. In Heaven, Soon as one of those dead munchkins from the Wizard of Oz gets snippy and jumps on his back, Bam's gonna fall right through and land back on Earth. So dont grive too much
1.) A wrestling federation previously known for its high paced action and excellent technicians, then Vince Russo took over and fucked the original values in the ass constantly until they were shivering crying wrecks of their original selves. Pretty much what Pat Patterson did to Sylvain.
2.) The breasts and posterior of a woman or a very fat man.
After that long rambling excuse for a Pat Patterson joke, I'm going to recap TNA. Care to read?
Tonight's edition of Impact starts off with Kurt Angle in Jim Cornette's office. Cornette says he has a job for Kurt tonight (haha, Kurt Angle do a job on Impact, yeah right) he tells us that successful completion of this job will result in an NWA Title match. That's what HHH kept saying to RVD every time he pinned his ass in the centre of the ring.
KURT ANGLE vs. MATT BENTLEY w/SEROTONIN
Kurt Angle vs. Serotonin? I thought the whole point of going to TNA was him not having to battle drugs. 2006 maybe over, but I'm still recycling it's jokes. Kurt hit s a german and some uppercuts to start but Bentley capitalizes with a clothesline after his teammates distract the olympic gold medalist. Bentley locks in an INTENSE CHINLOCK but we get the Hoganesque comeback cliche then some rolling German Suplexes from Angle. Devine and Kazarian run in but they also get Germaned into oblivion (just like the Jews in WW2). Olympic Slam, Ankle Lock, Three Count, VICTORY.
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Team 3D are with some military equipment outside. Brother Ray talks about LAX ruining America. THOSE FUCKING FOREIGNERS! They come into my country, support my service industry by doing the jobs no one else wants to and generally improve the economy and MY TAXES ARE PAYING FOR THEM. Bastards. Then we see footage of Raven caning Matt Bentley. This is like the reverse of the original S & M Basham Brothers. Actually its not because if it was a complete reverse it would be a good angle.
JAMES STORM, CHRIS SABIN & AJ STYLES vs. PETEY WILLIAMS, CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & RHINO
You'll never guess how this starts. OK, I bet you'll be able to if you read any of my recaps from the last few months and see how every tag match starts. You got it?
In the end, Sabin and Rhino are in the ring and we can start a wrestling match. Rhino hits him with a clothesline and tags in Williams who locks in an armbar then tags Rhino back in. Sabin beats him into the heel corner and AJ lands a clothesline before tagging in and getting a near fall. Rhino battles back with a spinebuster and tags in Chris Daniels. Daniels beats down Storm and Sabin then applies the Koji Clutch. Sabin breaks it up but Petey ranas him right on out of the ring. AJ runs out of nowhere and clotheslines Petey directly after Williams hits a rana to the outside. Storm lands ten punches on Chris Daniels then gets a tag to Styles. Rhino gores Storm out of the ring before any double teams can take place but then he gets clotheslined out of the ring but AJ. Staredown between Styles and Daniels and AJ gets a low blow for the win.
WINNERS: AJ AND FRIENDS
Jeremy Borash is in the back with Jim Mitchell who is holding the NWA Title belt. He says Abyss needs to either 'come home' or his secret will be revealed. They should add it to the TNA DVD line they wouldnt stop shilling a few months ago.
Now it's time for the final round of the Paparazzi Championship Series. The last part of the series will be competed in an intense and heated game of Texas Hold 'Em. Nash does TV-style commentary to the game which annoys the wrestlers no end as he's in the room with them. Low Ki and Alex Shelley are tied at the end of the game so they play high card. Shelley wins that round which results in a tie between Shelley and Austin Starr. Nash announces the tie will be broken in a 10 minute time limit match at the next PPV with judges at ringside. Lovely.
Time for a sit-down interview with Chris Harris. He tells us that the loss of sight in his eye may result in him never returning to the ring. Big deal, get your face fucked up by a ladder then I'll be impressed.
We return to the Impact Zone and Konnan has been severely battered by Team 3D. I assume this is because Konnan needs to take some time off to get his hip replaced and a kidney transplant. He's the most entertaining member of LAX and the feud will suffer with him out of it. On the bright side, he'll be among friends as every doctor in this country is a fucking immigrant. Dudley Boys continue to stress that they are rather patriotic. They talk with pride about their country and how all the mothers take time to educate their daughters in how to suck dick.
Hooray! VKM time! Someone kill me! With a spoon! SHOCKINGLY Shawn Michaels has not responded to their challenge. They are going to declare victory at the PPV. If this means the end of this angle, it's a victory for us all.
TRAVIS TOMKO vs. ABYSS
Christian has been banned from ringside for this match. By 'banned' they mean put him in a cage at ringside. Just sending him to the back would do. It would be so easy to make a pun based upon the name of the wrestler imprisoned and the name given to the structure which he has been placed in. Almost...to easy. Christian resists being put in a CHRISTIAN CAGE (not so easy I'm not going to say it) until Cornette cashes in his favour from Angle and Kurt runs down to put him in the CHRISTIAN CAGE. CHRISTIAN CAGE.
Jim Mitchell and Abyss do not enter together and we get another standard TNA spot as Tomko attacks Abyss during his entrance. They go in and out of the ring and just start throwing eachother into things. They go back inside and Abyss blocks a torture rack. Tomko rakes the eyes but Abyss comes back and hit the chokeslam for a nearfall. Tomko goes to get a chair but Abyss kicks it in his face for another nearfall. Kurt Angle is still here from when he put Christian Cage in the Christian Cage LOLZ and Samoa Joe runs out and attacks him. They brawl, and Angle drops the keys to the Christian Cage which Christian Cage picks up and uses to escape. Christian clatters Abyss with a chair before he can hit the Black Hole Slam. Sting appears and hits Christian with a bat. Joe and Angle aren't here any more for some reason. It looks as though Sting and Abyss are going to celebrate together but Abyss turns around and gives him the Shock Treatment. A TWIST!
WINNER: Wait...there was a match going on?
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Great build up for Joe/Angle
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Not enough heat going into the PPV.
Samoa Joe is very annoyed that Kurt broke his hooker's ankle last week. That's what he was paying her for dammit (Samoan Submission Fetish Machine?)! Joe wants to hurt the Woman Beating Drug Taking Machine (he's sounding more and more Irish each day). Cornette says that Angle has a match and Joe better not mess it up. That's the subtlety equivalent of 'Don't you eat that pie!'.
Roode banishes Brooks from ringside before making some bitchy side comments calling her fidelity into question.
RHINO vs. ROBERT ROODE w/ MISS BROOKS w/ MANAGER CLICHÉS
Hammerlock by Roode to start us off but Rhino escapes and hits a headlock then a shoulderblock. Roode attempts a hip toss but all he gets is a clothesline. Chops by the War Machine and Robert is slammed into the corner. Rhino goes for the Irish Whip but it's reversed and he has a rather painful looking collision with the corner. Snap mare and a neck snap by Roode but Rhino comes back as Bobby celebrates. Corner gore then a spinebuster from Rhino and the Gore is set up. Brooks runs out to try and stop him and Rhino manhandles her. Roode tries to break it up and gets rolled up for his troubles. Roode is not to interested in his managers apologies.
Styles runs out to attack Rhino but gets hit with a belly to belly after only a few seconds of attack. Rhino sets up for the gore but Roode comes back to beat down the War Machine. Rhino is double teamed and AJ hits a Styles Clash.
Jeremy Borash interviews Eric Young outside Cornette's office. Apparently a 'friend' of Eric has a problem with a woman, but he denies it is about him and Brooks. He says his 'friend' is not skilled in these areas and JB is the love doctor. Everything about Borash just screams 'stud'. Brooks appears, she seems to have quickly gotten over her previous misadventure, and threatens to fire Young who promptly hits up Borash for some money.
Borash is with Samoa Joe as we return from commercials. Joe says Angle is a coward and made things personal by hurting someone Joe loves (we don't know anything about this person and have never seen them before but hey). He says he's supposed to leave but wont until his job is done. Dammit, Joe, he's going to know you're up to something if you announce it in an interview! When will these wrestlers learn.
Oh great, the VKM are here. Blah blah they called out Vince but he didn't answer. The longer Vince leaves there challenge unanswered the bigger the problem will get. Holy shit, you mean you might actually do something! They offer one million dollars for any of 'Vince's Boys' to show up. Then they call out Shawn Michaels. Boring boring boring kill me boring. I hate this angle.
Things are about to pick up though as the Paparazzi Series continues. It's musical chairs and Nash sings Amazing Grace. Senshi refuses to play and just sits before leaving. Shelley is next out and Starr wins. Sadly, no Backlund rules.
Pre-taped interview with Gail Kim from earlier today is up next. She says she's been with America's Most Wanted for over a year but the last 5 months have been rough. She has no explanation for why Storm did what he did but luckily Storm turns up anyway. He tells Kim that TNA has no women's division (ouch) and she needs to go back to the Golden Wok (OUCH). He says she has 7 days to answer him, despite not asking a question, then leaves.
MEXICAN STREET FIGHT
HOMICIDE vs. RUNT
Runt attacks his opponent during his entrance and gets a huge dive off the top. He lathers Homicide with a chair then chokes him out with a wire. Homicide turns things round with a backdrop on the ramp then throws a ladder on Runt. Brutal chair shot by the So-Called Mexican then the ladder is tossed back in the ring. Runt hits an Acid Drop but Hernandez and Konnan come out. Not like that. Konnon distracts the ref and it's border toss on the ladder! SICK! For the three count.
WINNER: HOMICIDE and fans of hardcore wrestling.
Team 3D come out to stop LAX destroying Runt, but it's OK cos LAX were too lazy anyway. Get it..cos...cos they're Mexicans. Well they're not but you know.
Abyss and Mitchell are outside a prison and we get more on the enticing SECRET that no one cares about. Seriously, after necrophilia there's nothing a monster could do to surprise me. Mitchell yells at Abyss and says the bongs with Sting will be broken! Christian and Tomko only know a little bit (the bit he was stupid enough to put on a DVD) but Mitchell knows the whole story. Apparently it's a story of blood horror and betrayal full of unforgivable sin. Sounds like a night out in South London to me. Abyss slams him into a fence and does a brilliant monster scream. If this video is on YouTube, find it.
Cornette tells us that Tomko will be banned from ringside at the PPV. Problem solved.
As Angle makes his entrance Joe runs out and attacks him. I like that, no point pretending we don't know what's going to happen just getting straight into it. Joe slams angle over the announce table then into the steel post and then into the crowd. We go to commercials as they continue to brawl it out and when we return they're still going at it. Cornette says let the fuckers fight and protect the fans. Or something like that. They brawl right through the arena to outside. Angle chokes Joe with his shirt then applies the ankle lock but Joe escapes and nails him with a chair. This is a FANTASTIC brawl. Joe rips at Angles eyes but the Ankle lock is once again applied. Joe bites Angle on the head (~!) then Joe slams Angle through a table. THAT was a hell of a brawl I must say. Put both these guys over spectacularly.
Cornette is in the ring with Angle then Joe appears and YET MORE BRAWLING. Cornette decides enough is enough and yells that they must be separated. He announces they will have a 30-Minute Iron Man match at the PPV. Not a hardcore match, not a cage match, not even a Hell In A Cell. The most brutal of all matches. 30 Minute Iron Man. Wait...
Tomko and Cage run out and beat down Angle but Sting comes out to the rescue. The Christian and the Drug Addict stand tall to finish.
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: That was one hell of a brawl.
SHOW LOWLIGHT: I hate Miss Brooks. So many clichés.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).