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September 09, 2006
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British Bullfrog

 

09.30.06

 

Hey there, Wrestling Fans and welcome to another superfantastic edition of Bullfrog's TNA Recap. The only TNA recap that contains pipe smoking, tea drinking and scone eating to an excess. After last weeks somewhat lack lustre Impact this week's shall certainly be at least interesting. You all know why, and if you don't I'm not going to tell you. Alright I will, but only because it makes me feel so giddy: KURT ANGLE IS COMING TO TNA. KURT FUCKING ANGLE! Oh man that's good. 
 
The show opens with a video package about KURT FUCKING ANGLE COMING TO TNA! Then over to Don and Mike who give us a quick recap of No Surrender, with Joe's stealing of the title belt being heavily mentioned along with the shiny new timeslot. Can I get an opening match? 

JEFF JARRET vs. LANCE HOYT
 
Jarrett jumps Hoyt as he enters the Impact Zone and irish whips him into the barricade. I don't know why it's called an Irish whip, surely it's only Irish when it's causing pain to a woman. Jarrett's gives Lance a good strapping then hits him in the gut with a chair. They brawl in the crowd for a bit and we all get treated to a shot of Jarrett's undergarments. Cover yourself, man!  Hoyt goes flying into that wall they always brake and then he gets a whippin' at ringside. Double J chokes him on the apron and the referee ends the match. I don't recall it starting but, hey, I'm not one to obsess over minor details.
 
WINNER, apparently: JEFF JARRETT 
 
 Now to type the sentence I always know will lead to nothing good: Jarrett is on the mic. He's showing of the scars he picked up at No Surrender, yeah real impressive I banged my head on an open window I didn't see last week, you don't see me acting like I'm all tough. It was incredibly painful, but I didn't even wince. Jarrett says that Jim Cornette has to help him retrieve his precious belt or Joe will be 'left lying in a pool of his own blood'. This is so unrealistic, there's no way Jarrett would ever be careless to EVER let Joe get hold of the title belt. Ever. 
 
 Now it's the Bount For Glory press conference. Buff Bagwell and Lex Luger are there. After several complaints made by the latter at said conference, TNA t-shirts now come in larger sizes. After the name of the show was made completely clear to Mr. Luger, the conference began. Jim Cornette announces a few matches: Samoe Joe is going up against Raven, Brother ' Don't Call Me Spike'  Runt and Abyss in a Monster's Ball match. Sweet. Low Ki will defend the X title against Sabin and Sting will face Jeff Jarrett in a title versus career match. 
 
 Match two's coming at you like a hyper active mark who just drank six cups of coffee and met John Cena but first we get Austin Aries telling us we gone be Starr Struck at Bound for Glory. 
 
SAMOA JOE vs RAVEN
 
It's a stare down to start and you can feel the leftover tension from two years ago. Forearms and chops are traded and Joe comes out on top. Raven hits back with a clothesline but Joe hits a massive enzugri that ends up with Raven hangin upside down in the ropes. Joe boots him out of the ring and goes for a suicide dive, but the former nest leader blocks it with a chair. Apparently the ref has decided that that didn't count as a DQ. The fuck? Last week a run in ended a No Holds Barred match! Then Spike runs out and takes Raven down with a chain neckbreaker which the referee didn't see because he was distracted with Joe. Joe then locks in the Kokina Clutch, and Raven taps out.
 
WINNER: SAMOA JOE 
 
Spike then get's in Joe's face but gets the ol' bee-hatch slap and then gets thrown out of the ring and on to Raven. Abyss comes out and gets all up in Joe's face, they brawl and Abyss gets sent out of the ring with a kick-ass Yakuza kick. The other three men start brawling and Joe leaves. Cornette asks him for the belt as he's on his way out but Joe refuses. 
 
Now we get a video package of the Cage/Rhino fued. It puts a lot of stress on Rhino's 'serious head injury'. We also see Rhino challenging Christian to an 'Eight Mile Street Fight'! I reckon Rhino can out wrestle Cage, but it'll take a hell of a lot to beat Captain Charisma in a rap battle. 
 
TEAM 'DON'T CALL US THE DUDLEYS' 3D vs BRANDOM THOMASELLI & VAUGHN DORING
 
The team of Thomaselli & Doring, who so should be taken seriously, are ambushed before the bell by Dem Dam Team 3D. The crowd are chanting 'Welcome Back'. A double team from T3D and then a Devon hits a move what I don't know the name of. Doring gets in but gets hit with a shoulderblock and in comes Ray. He hits a flapjack and a german then boots Thomaselli off of the apron. The Team 3D hit the Move 3D and that'll be all, folks.
 
WINNERS: TEAM 3D 
 
Now for a sentence I luuurrrvv typing: Brother Ray get's on the mic. The former Bubba says they're going to work they way up the ladder from the bottom and get a tag team title shot. Just like The Naturals only this time it's with a team I like! 
 
Hey, now we get to see Luger talking instead of just sitting there! Why is this a good thing? I DON'T KNOOOOOW! He and Bagwell both think Sting will be victorious at the pay per view. 
 
Then we go backstage with Jeff Jarrett and Eric Young. Jarrett tries to palm off the job of getting back the belt off to Eric but he's having none of it. Main event, anyone? 
 
LOW KI, JOHNNY DEVINE & ALEX SHELLEY vs. JAY LETHAL, SONJAY DUTT & CHRIS SABIN 
 
I have a puppy next to me. If they do any Jackass shit in this match I will eat him alive. You have been warned. Christian is doing some commentary on this match, what he's not doing is raising his eyebrow and telling people to Just Bring It, but give him time and he will be. Shelley and Lethal trade armbars then do a double kick up. They tag Ki and Dutt in at the same time, but we keep getting shots of Cage. Then Rhino runs out and gets held back by security. Isn't there, like, a match going on or something? Commercials. We're back and Rhino and Cage are brawling and we are only getting occasional glimpses of the match. Eventually security drag them to the back and we can focus on the main event. Johnny Devine hits an edge-o-matic on Dutt  to set up a double kneelift from Shelley in the corner. Dutt makes a comeback by avoiding a charge then hitting a misslie dropkick. Sabin tags and takes out of both the Papparazzi, Devine its a firemans carry DDT and Shelly gets an enzuguri. Low Ki interrupts the pin and starts beating on Lethal until Dutt takes him out. Shelley hits Dutt with a dropkick and now it's Ki and Sabin. Coincidentally, these guys have a match at the next PPV. Sabin gets kicked in the gut and a briefcase gets thrown in the ring. There is confusion and Devine is rolled up for the pinfall. I don't know if that exactly counts as a Jackass stunt but I'm hungry so I'm gonna go ahead and eat Mr. Snuffles.
 
WINNERS: JAY LETHAL, SONJAY DUTT & CHRIS SABIN 
 
After that damm confusing match we get a package from the Ultimate X match at No Surrender. We go to the press conference, adn Cornette schedules a rematch at Bound For Glory. IN A STEEL CAGE! A cage! That was brutal...in 1989. Zing. 
 
In the last bit of the show, the press conference is now in the ring. Cornette is there with "wrestling legends" Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell. Luger turns up late because he couldn't open the door to his dressing room. I'm milking this shit as much as possible. Cornette tells us that Luger and Bagwell have been training with Sting. They then talk about Kurt Angle. It appears the WRESTLING MACHINE! WOO! YEAH! I'M GONNA RULE YOUR ASS! WOO! will be the special inforcer for the Jarrett/Sting match at Bound For Glory. Jarrett then runs out and confronts Cornette about the whole 'someone else has the championship but me' thing. Bagwell and Luger get involved and Jarrett takes them out. Oh so that's why Cornette kept putting them over, so JJ could crush them. Joe runs out and trades punches with Jarrett as the show goes off air. 
 
SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Great to see Team 3D back.
 
SHOW LOWLIGHT: Opening match was pointless as a transparent curtain. 
 
E-mail me your feedback, I'm desperately lonely. So is everyone at the forum so you should join that too.

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 TNA Impact Report
British Bullfrog
British Bullfrog

 

09.23.06

 

Hey there, Wrestling fans and welcome to another TNA Impact Report! I’m your host with the most, The British Bullfrog. Now, a statement was released earlier this week that there would be a HUGE announcement tonight at No Surrender!I decided to brainstorm a few ideas as to what this announcement might be. Has Jeff Jarrett finally had his operation and become Jeffina? Has Samoa Joe finally admitted that he’s not Samoan and changed his name to Yugoslavian Krunk? Then I actually found out what it was by reading the spoilers and banged my head against a wall with a rusty nail in it for three hours. I ain’t gonna tell you if you don’t already know, just enjoy TNA as it is while you can.

 

Show opens with a video package about the feud between Jeffina and Krunk. Rhino and Monty Brown then each get short promos about their upcoming Falls Count Anywhere match, with Christian interrupting Monty Brown. It seems the two of them have some kind of deal going down.

 

Jeff(ina?) comes out as we enter the Impact Zone. He cuts a promo about TNA fans and management being the source of all his problems. Apparently having to defend his belt is an absolute outrage. I swear to god as I looked into his eyes I saw Paul Levesque staring straight back at me **shudders**. Jarrett then challenges anybody in the studio to a fight and who woulda though it, Samoe Joe comes out. Joe gets a whippin’ with a leather belt, yet another planted fan tries to save Joe but that bastard Jarrett whips him anyway. He hurt a fan! Wow, this never stops being shocking. Jarrett’s act of ultimate heartless evil gives Joe time to recover and Double J gets chucked into the crowd and eats an elbow drop. Big ol’ kick to the champ and then he gets strapped on the outside. Of course, Jeff Jarrett is invincible and Joe gets hit with the DEATH GUITAR! It may be made out of the shittiest wood in the world but it’s still the most effective weapon in wrestling. Joe’s neck meets the guitars neck and GUESS WHICH WON ( Jim Ross). You know for a second I thought they’d make Joe look like the better wrestler and…oh wait no I didn’t.

 

PETEY WILLIAMS vs JAY LETHAL

We got some by the books formulaic X-Division action starting us off tonight. Petey knocks Lethal out of the ring and hits a sling shot rana. They go back inside and Petey, to quote Joey Styles, ‘crushes the mans balls!’. Williams dominates until Lethal hits a hip toss into a cartwheel dropkick. Lethal bounces around all over Petey for a bit until Jay misses a moonsault. Williams tries to hit the destroyer but Lethal counters with a missile dropkick, then a dropkick to the back and a wicked-cool DDT. Petey goes for another Destroy but he’s distracted by Dutt and Sabin who have a bowling ball. Dutt and Sabin distract the referee as Lethal rolls the ball into Petey’s gonads. wow that was as funny as when dx sed vince luved cock LOLZ! If the crowd were any quieter in that match they’d have had doctors out checking their pulse.

WINNER: JAY LETHAL

 

Low Ki is talking to Jeremy Borash, he does not approve of the Jackass antics going down. I don’t approve of blatant product placement in storylines either, Ki. Sabin, Dutt and Lethal turn up and goof around. There is nothing funny about goofing around. Nothing.

 

ERIC YOUNG vs NORMAN SMILEY

Chain wrestling at the beginning with Norman starting off working Youngs arm but Young turns it into a headlock and then hits a shoulder block. Smiley regains the advantage with some European uppercuts but Young mocks Smileys strut in retaliation. I never get whats supposed to be so offensive about stealing another mans taunt/move, but then that’s why I’ll never be succesful in the wrestling business: I have common sense. Then…a videotape falls out of Youngs pants. I shit you not. Young then hits a wheelbarrow neckbreaker for the win. Pointless pointless pointless.

WINNER: Eric Young

 

This show has absolutely sucked donkey balls so far, both matches have been pointless and bland and the segments have all been pretty damm poor. Ok, I just checked my TV and I’m definitely not watching Smackdown, although you sure as hell could’ve fooled me. Shane Douglas is backstage with Borash talking about that ridiculous gimmick match the naturals have at No Surrender. Young runs in looking all hot and bothered, he says Jarrett needs to see his tape because his carrer’s on the line! ZOMG! But don’t worry because Borash has a little scheme to get the tape seen by Jarrett. His materplan is…..y’all getting excited, huh?......it is……to show the video after the commercial break. That’s the plan. Not as exciting as I’d hoped to be honest.

 

The video itself though is really fucking funny. There’s no way I could do justice to it so watch it on YouTube, cos it really is the best thing so far about the show. Now it’s main event time, baby!

 

RHINO vs MONTY BROWN in a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH

They brawl right the way down to the ring and Brown gets the advantage with a neckbreaker. Tenay points out that Earl Hebner is the referee. That explains why the ref is holding a sketch pad and trying to trace the outline of Rhino’s logo. Rhino tosses Brown out of the ring and it’s commercials. We’re back and both men and a table are in the ring. Brown sets up for a superplex through the table but the man beast fights it off. Brown then tries a TKO through the table but Rhino again counters, this time with a belly to belly. He sets up for a gore through the table but it is not to be as Monty sidesteps and Rhino meets a solid wood table and GUESS WHO WINS ( Jim Ross, again). Brown covers but only gets a two, Rhino comes back immediately with a spinebuster. He sets up for another gore but Christian shows up and pulls Rhino out of the ring. Cage and Rhino brawl and, hang on a sec, Hebner calls for the bell. Brown wins by DQ. A DQ in a hardcore match? EC-DUB, EC-DUB!

WINNER: MONTY BROWN

 

Borash is backstage with a bloody Samoa Joe. You’d think he would’ve washed at some point during the show. He says he’ll spill a bucket of blood for every drop Jarrett and his evil guitar of death spilled. Sweet. Holy shit, it’s the end of the show and it’s the first time I’ve used a positive adjective. Yeesh.

 

Finally, LAX are in the ring and they seem to be having some kind of a fiesta. This shows been so poor I feel like a siesta. Oh yes, I know my stuff. They appear to be hanging an effigy of Uncle Sam. Konnan tells us that the US Constitution says all men are created equal, but only unless you’re white in the fine print. Also, the decleration of independence has a treasure map on the back (what, haven’t you seen National Treasure). Konnan goes apeshit on Uncle Sam until Styles and Daniels run out. They take out Hernandez and Homicide but end up getting the holy hell beat out of them. AJ then gets hung from the Ultimate X cable like a pinata while LAX go to town on him. Nice. The end.

 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The last segment was good.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Everything else. Generally this was a pretty poor edition of Impact, with not one of the matches delivering.

 

Don’t forget to check out all the other quality content here at TWF, or join the forum where you’ll be treated with open arms and a warm atmosphere. Unless you’re French.

 

My name is The British Bullfrog. Goodnight, Wrestling Fans.

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 TNA Impact Report
British Bullfrog
British Bullfrog

 

09.15.06

 

Good evening, Wrestling fans! My name is British Bullfrog, it's Thursday night and I got me a date with a laptop. So without further ado I'm gonna distract myself from my pathetic social life with some rasslin' (you know, the same thing you're all doing)!.

 

The show starts off setting a pace for thrilling fast paced action...two old guys rambling! It's Mike Tenay and Don West chatting about the main event. It's a HANGMAN'S HORROR. The rules are simple, Raven thinks of a word and Abyss has to guess what it is but every time he gets a guess wrong...he gets hit with a chair! Ah if only, the real rules are you have to choke your opponent until he's unconscious. Then we get a promo for the Styles & Daniels/LAX and time for a match surely now it is.

 

KAZARIAN & MAVERICK MATT vs. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & AJ STYLES

 

Match starts with Kazarian and Daniels squaring up. Backy and forthy until AJ & Daniels hit a pretty cool move wherein AJ sits on the top turnbuckle and then Daniel shoves Bentley into Styles's knees. Then Daniels lies down on his back and AJ jams Bentley’s face into Daniels's knees. It looked cooler than it sounds. Then the advantage goes back to the heels with Daniels getting caught in the tried and tested 'worked down in heel corner'. Then it's a good old fashioned 'oh....oh....is he gonna make the tag...yes he..oh wait...YES HE DID'. Styles gets the Facejam` on Kazarian but Maverick breaks up the count. All four men brawl and Styles and Daniels hit Total Elimination on Bentley. Daniels gets the BME, Styles gets the frog splash, 1, 2 and 3.

 

WINNERS: CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & AJ STYLES

 

Backstage, Eric Young and Larry Zbyszko are having a bit of an argument when Jarrett interrupts. My god what the hell is that man wearing. I mean, the shirts I've come to expect but a backwards baseball cap?! Jarret seems to be taking the same stance on clothing as Vince has taken on the DX storyline: 'What's not good about acting like a five year old?'. Jarrett says Young and Zbyszko are the ones who got him into the match with Joe and they have to help him out of it. Young is ordered to go find Sting and Larry has to make sure Jim Cornette cancels the Fans Revenge match. Silly Jarrett, doesn't he know it's already on the poster. Match two, pronto!

 

CHRIS SABIN vs. ALEX SHELLEY

 

I should note that Johnny Devine and the Paparazzi cam are missing this week. Christ knows Tenay has. Low Ki comes out to scout Sabin for No Surrender. Its back and forth mat wrestling at the beginning until Sabin hits Shelley with a headscissors, sending him over the top. Nice spot as Shelley hits a suicide dive over the top. They go back into the ring, Shelley goes for a lionsault but Sabin avoids it. Sabin then gets a slingshot dropkick and a sweet looking Yakuza kick in the corner. Up on the ramp Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt seem to have Johnny Devine trapped in a shopping cart. How bizarre, this is just like that new movie that's coming out, you know the one they were watching last week. Jesus, if I didn't know better I'd say there was some kind of shifty business going down. Devine takes a ride into the ring post, Shelley gets distracted and Sabin gets the La Majistral for the victory. Sure it's blatant advertising, but it's a fairly original way to distract a man. Then Eric Young comes out with the Paparazzi Cam and abducts Alex Shelley. I have no idea what the hell is going on.

 

WINNER: CHRIS SABIN

 

Next up after that rather overcrowded ending segment is a sweet Christian/Rhino video package. They show footage from when they were wrestling in the indies which was nice, then Rhino says that Christian has become everything they used to hate, and Christian responds in his typical 'check it out I'm The Rock' way. This has to be the best thing on TNA at the moment, a really brilliantly built feud. Main event time!

 

ABYSS w/FATHER JAMES MITCHELL vs. RAVEN in a HANGMAN'S HORROR MATCH

 

Abyss comes out with that godamm vicar. Godamm vicars and there...wandering hands...no...no...no I don't want to get in the bath with you. Sorry, got lost in my own head there for a minute. Chains and dog collars have been provided to assist in the choking process. How thoughtful. Raven enters through the crowd but Abyss jumps him. They brawl in the crowd for a bit before they spill over the guardrail. They brawl outside, Raven hits a Russian legsweep into the railing, then they get in the ring and the match sounds. Abyss breaks something I can't quite make out over Ravens head and then we go to commercial. We be back and Abyss is beating the holy hell out of a bloodied Raven with a chair. Just to be clear I meant the wrestler, he hadn't just started hitting the shit out of a passing bird. Just thought that needed clarifying. Abyss goes for the sit down splash but Raven gets him in his unholy balls with a chair shot on the way down. Abyss gets the dog collars slapped on him, tying him to the ring ropes. Raven goes apeshit on Abyss with a trash can. There's always a trash can. Always. Mitchell tries to stop it but gets tied to the ropes as well, but Abyss gets out and attacks Raven from behind. Abyss tries to get the collar on but gets hit in the balls again. No more little Abyss's. Shame. Raven goes for the chairshot but Abyss boots it in his face. Big old bump to the floor for Scotty and Abyss wraps the chain around his throat. Ding ding ding!

 

WINNER: ABYSS

 

Brother Runt pops up and pounds Abyss good and hard in the head with a chair. He helps Raven up but then TURNS ON HIM WITH AN ACID DROP! Dammit, isn't anyone in this company loyal?

 

Jeremy Borash is here with LAX, who are partying latino style with dancing girls and Mexican flags. Just in case you had forgotten they weren't American. Konnan cuts a short promo. I can't summarise so I'm gonna have to hand this one over to B.A. Barachus.

"HE THINK THEY GONE WIN"

Thanks, B.A.

 

And finally Jim Cornette is out for a Town Hall Meeting. They've let the fans come right up to the ring which is quite cool. Jimmy says that Double J's popularity ranks somewhere in between 'Osama Bin Laden and crotch rot'. ZING! First off Cornette tells us that Earl Hebner is back in the hizouse as it turns out he wasn't working with Double J at all. Then Samoa Joe comes out and says that he wants to punish Jarrett's crimes against the fans. Next week we'll see Rico come out and punish him for his crimes against fashion. Oh no I didn't! Now Zybyszko is out to stand by his man. Larry tries to rough up Cornette and miraculously fails to notice that one angry Samoan is standing right behind him. Joe straps Larry out of the ring, and Jim encourages the fans to chase Larry to the back. Jarrett comes out with a chair though and fends off the crowd. He then shoves down a female fan with a leather strap. For god's sake, what's next? Jarrett dressing up as Hitler and have him eat a baby? Mike Tenay nearly has a heart attack at the pure outrage of what Jarrett has done. Someone needs to tell this guy it's a work.

 

Well that's it for this week, folks. Remember if you like this recap send your money to The Wrestling Fan.com. Speaking of which, be sure to check out the other quality recaps and columns on offer on this site.

 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The opening tag match was decent.

 

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The incredibly confusing ending to Sabin/Shelley.

 

My name is The British Bullfrog. Good night, Wrestling Fans.

Send feedback to British Bullfrog


 TNA Impact Report
British Bullfrog
British Bullfrog

09.09.06

Well, good evening wrestling fans. Don't just stand there! Sit down, pour yourself a cup of tea, help yourself to a scone and generally makes yourself comfy in The Biggest Tea Party Of The Summer: BRITISH BULLFROG’S TNA RECAP NUMERO UNO! I am well aware I slipped from upper class white guy to Spanish in a number of seconds, but if Chavo got away with it then so can I. However, let’s not beat around the bush (giggle), let's get down to bidness! ( Dusty Rhodes).

 

The show opens with Jeff Jarrett talking about the Polygraph test. Blah blah blah Jarrett bullshit then Eric Young shows up and offers to help Jarrett prepare for the test. I can't help but find this whole idea just a tad far fetched. A far fetched wrestling storyline? What's next, a world champion who only knows about three moves and is being pushed as a face even though everyone hates him. The worlds gone mad, by gar. But no time to watch that tumbleweed, the first match is a-coming, by golly!

 

NWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS LAX vs. KRAZY K AND PJ MACK

 

Before I recap this I have but one thing to say: Krazy K and PJ Mack?! I don't know why they were so late for the handing out of ring names, but they need to get some watches. Unbelievably, this match doesn’t really feel like a heated even contest, crazy and PJ get demolished with a Cop Killer from Homicide and a Gringo Killer by Hernandez. A large squashing sound resonates throughout Orlando, but the residents mistake it for the usual squelching they hear whenever one of the millions of elderly citizens head to the bathroom.

WINNERS: LAX

 

After the match Konnan gets on the mic and asks why Styles & Daniels are on the poster No Surrender but LAX aren't. Take it away Vince Russo:

 

"I'M AN AMERICAN, OK, WHEN I SEE A POSTER I WANNA SEE AMERICANS ON IT, Y'KNOW'

 

That's enough out of you, Russo. Konnan goes onto talk about the Ultimate X match. The basic point of it is they're pretty fucking confident, esse. Styles and Daniels come down and run off LAX. They then hang one of the belts from the Ultimate X wires across the ring and LAX are to pussy to go up and get them. It's worth noting that the structure was up for the whole show. Oh wait no it's not.

 

Borash is backstage and talks to Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt and Chris Sabin who are watching Jackass. Jerry Lynn walks in and wants to know why they aren't preparing for their matches, they say their watching for ideas. Ahehehehehohohehehe [/Hibbert]. Roll match number two please, Jeeves.

 

FRANKIE KAZARIAN & MATT BENTLEY & AMERICAS MOST WANTED vs THE JAMES GANG & SHARK BOY & NORMAN SMILEY

 

I think this every time I see him but, Shark Boy?! Come back Krazy and PJ, all is forgiven. Unlike the previous offering, this match is rather even. Don't tell anyone, but I actually like James Gang. It's mostly nostalgia for the Outlaws, but I always like watching them. We get some good old fashioned back and forth action until James Storm hits a superkick on Smiley but Harris steals the pin.

WINNERS: KAZARIAN, BENTLEY & AMW

 

After the match AMW have a bit of a fall-out. God there's got to be a better way to split up a team than this. It's been done more times than Lita, for crying out loud. Then again so have jokes about Lita, but their still funny. In the end Harris bails and leaves Gail Kim to try and calm down Storm.

 

Cut to an office somewhere and we're treated to a vignette of Jarrett taking the Polygraph test. Eric Young is there for 'moral support' and is giving Jarrett advice and trying to stop him answering questions. Man this is one absurd idea.

 

Mike Tenay is backstage interviewing the Franchise. Shane says that if The Naturals were not able to beat seven other teams to be at the top of the division again, he’d pull the plug. Seven teams?! Christ alive, in WWE all you have to do is turn up on Raw with a friend and some ring attire and you’re on top of the tag division.

 

Next week is Raven vs. Abyss in a Hangman’s Horror match. For all these segments I forgot I was watching a wrestling show but, by gar they’ve gone ahead and started a match.

 

RON 'K-KWIK' 'THE TRUTH' 'K-KRUSH' KILLINGS vs. CHRISTIAN 'CHRISTIAN' CAGE

 

This match is proof, if it was needed, that WWE don't know jack. The former K-Kwik and Cage were both curtain-jerkers, mid-carders for the company and here they are main eventing Impact. Didn't they do well for themselves (course WWE doesn’t always misjudge talent. Ron is all pissed with Christian for what he did to Sting so he’s wrestling a very aggressive style tonight, at one point not releasing a hold when he should do, which the referee broke up. From there, Killings dominates Christian for most of the match until Cage hits an Inverted DDT from the top rope, which was followed by a stack load of taunts. Cage hits the unprettier for the win.

WINNER: Christian Cage

 

After the match my favorite former vampire sets Killings up for the Conchairto but Rhino makes the save. Cage runs away in a manner not unfitting of a young woman.

 

My homeboy Jimmy Cornette (I'm playing how-many-ethnic-stereotypes-can-i-be-in-one-recap today) struts on down to the ring. He officially announces Christian Cage vs Rhino at No Surrender. Sweet. But now, the moment you've all been waiting for....no not the end of the show, the results of the polygraph test! Cornette calls Jarrett out and you can almost hear the excitement, course that could be because the music’s so damm quiet but whatever. Eric Young comes out with Jarrett. Cornette announces that three questions were most important, the first being whether Jarrett was involved with Christian Cage turning on Sting. Jarrett said no and the test said it was.........TRUE! Question number two was whether Jarrett was involved with Earl Hebners actions. Jarrett asks why he would be involved in T-Shirt bootlegging and Cornette clarifies that he was talking about Slammiversary. Jarrett said he wasn't and it was.....I swear I'm gonna have a heart attack........TRUE! And now, wrestling fans, the final question. Was there a conspiracy between Larry Zbyszko and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett said no. The test said.................... OMFG HE LIES! Now Jarrett’s all mad and he chases Young right on out of the ring. Cornette says it's tough to be a wrestling fan in 2006 and Jarrett will have to wrestle in a non title match with the fans around the ring with straps in a Fans Revenge Match against Samoa Joe. Bitchin'.

 

And so, dat be dat as we say in the hood. A really good show which built hype for No Revenge, while still maintaining a high standard as a stand alone show. Killer.

 

SHOW RATING: ***1/2

 

HIGHLIGHT: The main event packed a pretty mighty punch.

LOWLIGHT: Nothing was really bad, the whole Polygraph test thing was a bit on the silly side for my tastes, but it did lead nicely into Jarrett/Joe at No Surrender.

 

My name is The British Bullfrog, good night wrestling fans.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).