Neil Cathan checking in with you monthly dose of Totally Nonsensical Action. I
love the silly opening PPV videos. Lots of Elvis jokes set to good blues music.
Tennessee crowd are red hot for tonight’s
Oh fuck this! X division match to open. They are stupidly hard to follow.
Williams vs Kaz: X-Division Title match
Trading holds. Series of quick moves and pin attempts, both men
dodge each other’s finishers. Both men pretty equal until Kaz is sent outside, with Petey scoring a rana to the outside
form the ring. Huge face pop. Drop that move as a face. I’d drop the destroyer too, as both get huge face pops. Neckbreaker
and a two count on Kaz. Fans are really into the show tonight, with duelling chants. Rolling across the back to dropkick looked
kinda awkward. Both men are down for an eight count. Kaz with strikes and a huge spinebuster for two. Slingshot DDT on Williams
gets a two. Williams tries a slingshot of his own, and is caught with a cutter for his troubles. Really weird move that looks
more like Williams is fucking Kaz, gets two. Kaz sets up for the Flux Capacitor, Williams for a Canadian destroyer from the
top. Doesn’t get it. Back on the mat, a destroyer is turned into a sunset driver, gets two. Rhaka Khan distracts ref,
Steiner slides Williams a pipe, Kaz gets hit. Sick blade by Kaz, who kicks. Quick rollup, but Williams slaps on a sharpshooter.
Kaz escapes, hits a Wave of The Future from nowhere to huge pop. Williams kicks. Sunset flip, rolled through by Petey, who
scores a Canadian Destroyer for three.
Winner and still X-Div champion: Petey Williams.
and Rhaka Khan beat the crap out of Kaz, before Abyss returns in white mask and asylumy outfit to make the save.
Young has found Elvis! Turns out he was behind the sofa all this time. Eric points out a chair with “reserved for Elvis”
Kevin Nash video. Then a Kevin Nash interview with J.B. Nash talking about how the business is all about money.
Here’s a good gimmick, just turn how the guy actually is up to 11.
Video for Knockouts emphasising how it’s
all about wrestling with them.
Video of Graceland. Up next:
Beautiful People and Moose
vs Roxxi/O.D.B./Gail Kim
Oh crap! That’s Mickie Freakin’ Knuckles. The Knockouts division just
got a little bit more awesome. If TNA ever books a hardcore match between her and Awesome Kong, I’ll renounce all bad
things I’ve said about the booking. That said, the knockouts booking is always solid.
Beautiful people duck out,
leaving Moose with the faces, who wail on her. Good babyfaces wail on one person on their own. Beautiful people try to leave,
but get kicked around by Kim and O.D.B for their efforts or lack thereof. Roxxi is a pretty Gothy Ricky Morton(y). Enter your
heroine and mine, Gail Kim, who is the world’s best house on fire. Crowd are loud for their first time in this
match for Gail Kim. Heels work Gail’s knee. Heels pull the ropes back as Gail tries to reach them from a single leg
crab. Mickie Knuckles applies a muta lock, and a surfboard stretch. Gail escapes with a rana in a great spot. Fresh from finding
Abyss, here’s O.D.B, demolishing everyone. O.D.B with a drink and a super thesz press. Oklahoma stampede gets a three
Winners: Babyfaces. Screw that, I’m not writing all their names again.
Rhino talks about
how he’ll break everyone. He still has issues that affect him at home. The shattered remains of potted plants rolling
all over his house can testify to that. Don’t worry if you didn’t get that joke, it’s so old that One Night
Stand was ECW last time it was relevant.
L.A.X vs Team 3D TNA tag title match.
slow wrestling starts us off, and the fans want tables. Hey, haven’t I seen this exact match before? About twenty times.
I’ll keep you posted for when something excited happens. Don’t hold your breath though. Or do. Just have that
your death isn’t my fault in writing. Print the following out and sign:
“I, the reader, accept full responsibility
for the boredom of L.A.X vs 3D causing my death. Neil Cathan is not to blame for my sad passing. I pledge to give all my worldly
possessions and any hot sisters I have to Neil Cathan.
crap, a match was happening while I wrote all that. I’m just in time to actually catch L.A.X fly onto Team 3D. A brawl
is quick to unfold, although the creases from being folded cause it to not be all that good. Back in the ring, where Homicide
is once again Mortoning up. Homicide is not allowed to make the tag. Poor Homicide. Goes on for some time, and seems like
forever. It’s not that it’s bad; it’s that I’ve seen it before, and before, and before. I’m
all for two guys working each other a lot of times. But when it was Benoit vs. Booker, or Aries vs. Danielson, or RVD vs.
Lynn, there was a common factor. They’re all really good workers. Team 3D are what a shadow of their former selves would
look like if the shadow had eaten their former selves, and put on all the weight and L.A.X are all just good workers, not
really good workers. That one word makes a lot of difference you know.
Devine tries to do a run in, but Hector stops
it. Salinas does the Wassup on Brother Ray. We have a clusterfuck-tacular ending, with L.A.X rolling 3D up when they go for
Winners and still champions: L.A.X
Less than half way through the show and I kinda wish it was
over. The opener was good, but I’ve seen that last match more times than I’ve seen Nurse Witch Komugi. And I love
that show more than anyone should. And I’m man enough to admit it.
Robert Roode is going to prove to everyone
that he is “For Real.” Aww crap, we know what the last person to use that catchphrase did.Kong challengers. Two of them. One’s
been training in MMA, and the other’s a hometown girl. They call the MMA lass up for it. Actually goes for a proper
MMA takedown, but is not Kong sized, so it doesn’t work. Beats her up outside the ring, looks utterly brutal. Implant
buster ends the match. Kong goes straight from the ring to deal with the other fan, who does much better than most of the
other challengers, and takes a much more brutal beating for it. Awesome Bomb.
That was much more of an angle than a
Eric Young comes out to introduce Elvis to us. Elvis impersonator comes out to big time heel heat. Elvis impersonator
in the ring with Awesome Kong. That might just have been a mistake. Calls Kong a “little lady”. Kong gives him
the little lady bomb. That was fun.
Christian sit down interview. It’s a really good promo, but that should come
as no surprise.
Video for the Jay/Val marriage thing, with Sonjay being jealous twit. Huh, aren’t they doing
another marriage love triangle-angle-featuring-angles?
Ace Young, Kamala, and Jake Roberts who doesn’t look
too bad, and even looks sober. Kamala looks really happy to be in a tux. Seriously, he just keeps showing it off. No shoes
though. Koko B Ware, and if he sings “Love is like a piledriver” it’ll be the best wedding ever. George
Steele has really, really aged. He was the third guy in a Savage love triangle, so that’s pretty cool. Best Man Sonjay
Dutt and Maid of Honor (Who’s Ring of Honor I’d like a crack at) Man, this site’s been a bad influence on
me. Bride and Groom make their way out. Sonjay looks really twitchy, before interrupting. Sonjay tells Val he loves her, and
begs her not to marry Jay. Jay pushes him away, but Sonjay jumps Lethal. Ace Young, who got a heel reaction, is knocked out
by Sonjay to big face pop. Kamala and Koko B. Ware take Sonjay out, and here’s Jake, to put Damien on Sonjay. George
does his turnbuckle shtick, before wrecking the wedding set to pieces. Ok then.
Booker T cuts a good promo. Talks
about how ratings have increased. Yeah, hear how they popped a 1.3 rating that one time? Yeah, me neither.
Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
AJ Styles? Without stupid comedy
gimmicks? Wrestling Kurt Angle? Yes please. Old School hooded waistcoat for AJ, and the AJ hood lift. Love Old School Styles.
This should be good. Tomko kicked from the ring by Earl Hebner. Crowd are hot for AJ. For two guys who hate each other, these
two are wrestling very cleanly. Lovely mat work. Angle goes to the outside after Styles schools him, and Angle makes his way
back into the ring. Strikes from Angle, who goes running and eats an utterly beautiful dropkick from AJ, who starts throwing
punches. Tomko gets in AJ’s face, but he’s not worried. He is however, distracted, and Kurt uses this to cheap
shot him. Styles ducks a turnbuckle charge and hits a springboard forearm. Kurt bumps Styles to the outside, and distracts
Hebner, but not long enough, as Hebner sends Tomko back.
Angle beats on Styles, throwing him back in. Argues with
Hebner, and Styles scores a beautiful ¾ flip dive. Back in the ring, and a two count. Backbreaker, and this is as good as
it promised to be. Stupidly high knee drop gets two. Duelling chants, but the chants for AJ are much louder. HUUUUGE back
body drop puts Styles down. Angle keeps Styles on the mat. Styles fights back, and goes running, but is caught with a belly
to belly. AJ has done hard way blood from the nose. Kurt dominating Styles like they both have with Karen.
tries to struggle away, but Kurt just keeps the strikes coming. On top rope, and they trade shots, before AJ turns a superplex
attempt into the super facebuster. Trading punches, fans so into the heat that they cheer every time Styles hits, and boo
for every Kurt shot. Styles has the advantage, and scores a pumphandle gutbuster. Verti suplex turned into a neckbreaker by
Kurt. 1,2 germans before AJ does a switch and lands a release german. Kurt scores a release german of his own for two. Kurt
props Styles up, and catches an enzuiguri from nowhere. Styles charges Angle in the corner, and is belly to bellied into the
turnbuckle, hitting them with a thump. AJ turns the Angle slam into a DDT for two. Styles signals for the clash, Kurt backdrops,
Styles rolls through, Kurt goes for the Angle lock, and Styles rolls him out. Styles scores a “That’s Phenomenal”
on Kurt, who plays possum, letting Styles go up top, only to Angle slam him from the top. AJ kicks and the fans are earbreaking
loud. Straps down, and an angle lock slapped on. AJ goes for the Jay counter to the Angle lock. Angle kicks out, and Styles
hits the Pele. Angle grabs the ropes to break the pin. Clash is countered into an angle lock. Styles pushes Angle off, who
bumps into Hebner. Enter Karen with chair. Motions for Kurt to take it, he tries, but he blocks. AJ goes for the roll up,
and turns it into a clash for the three.
Winner: AJ Styles
Holy shit, that was good. Go find a way to
watch that match if you missed it. Post match, Styles and Karen hug, Kurt chair shots Styles, and Tomko rushes the ring, fighting
security off from getting into the ring.
Samoa Joe talks about KOTM and how he’s going to win. Good for him.
KOTM hype video
King Of The Mountain Samoa Joe vs. Booker T vs. Robert Roode vs. Rhino vs. Christian
Cage Kevin Nash as special enforcer
Rhino over dramatic spiel. The over dramatic spiels are great. Everyone
else gets one too. The Roode push has been done really well. That guy’ll be TNA champ some time, the bookers are high
on him. And the bookers finally building their own stars is great. Long overdue, but great.
This is pretty much gonna
be your clusterfuck spotfest. So just the big spots and rough structure for you.
Brawl starts. Cage and Rhino work
together on Roode. Cage takes a bump on the knee badly. Rhino gets the better of an encounter with Booker. Rhino and Joe in
the ring. There’s a match I’d pay to see. Well, I’d have to pay to see it anyway. But I’d actually
want to. Joe takes everyone out one by one in the ring, but gets no pin. Rhino runs right into a Book End. Booker takes belt
from Nash, and they have a bit of a stare down. Joe and Booker fighting over ladder, and Christian dropkicks it into both
of them. Rhino back in with Christian, and the partners fight. Rhino sets up for a gore, but is crotched by Joe, who catch
uranages Christian. Three others brawling outside, and Joe dives onto all three. Christian onto top of penalty box, and scores
a plancha onto all four from there. Christian ladder shots Joe, pushing it into the ring. Roode chair shots the ladder Christian’s
holding, knocking it into his face for a three count. Rhino rolls Roode up. Roode won’t go to the penalty box, so Nash
beats him down and throws him into it. Rhino starts crawling to the top of the ladder, but Booker pushes him off. Joe locks
the clutch onto Booker, but Cage frogsplashes off the top of the box onto both men, pinning Booker. Roode blocks Christian
from climbing. Joe germans Roode off the ladder. Joe stops Christian, but gets Gored. Booker steals the belt from Nash, clocks
him with it for uh, some reason, and Booker starts belt shotting everyone in sight. Booker starts climbing, but Nash hits
the Jacknife Powerbomb off the ladder onto him. Joe refuses to take the pin from that, and goes for a musclebuster on Cage.
Cage escapes, but is gored from the apron through a table. Joe musclebusters Roode off the ladder, and hangs the belt to retain
Winner and still champion: Samoa Joe
The last two and the first match were awesome. I could
have happily missed everything else.
Right, well I was Neil Cathan (And still am to the best of my knowledge), you
were my legion of loyal fans, and that was TNA Slammiversary. As always, check out all the other cool shit on this site, and I’ll see you all for Victory Road.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).