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Neil Cathan here, bringing you, the people, the peeps, Total Nonstop 5 Day old action! Yes, right here, in this hallowed tome, you will find the news that you knew you just had to wait 3 days to hear! It's TNA's 2nd Final Resolution this year, making Final Fantasy more Final than these resolutions. But don't worry, I'm sure that the name will be the most sensible thing that happens in this thrilling three hours, as we look at TNA Frontline get brushed off like fleas in order that the heel stable looks oh so cool. Hey TNA, WCW called! They want their booking back! Just kidding. They're dead. Which TNA will be soon, freeing me from these monthly hours of pain! Hurray!


So with a song in my heart, and a sense of impending doom, I bring you...TNA Final Resolution (At least until the three instalments in 2009)~! On with the show!


Video of war speeches, with Rhino's promo over it. Could Rhino finally be presented as a main eventer again? Please?


We're in the impact zone tonight. And we start off with Feast or Fired. Why? Why would they bring this back after the failure that was last year? Why would this exist in the first place?


The wrestlers in this match are so important that they get no name plate thing. If TNA can't be bothered to tell you who's in this match, I can't either.


Feast or Fired match. A bunch of guys fighting each other.


Ok, so there's four poles. Smell the Russo booking. Three contain title shots, one contains a pink slip. Seriously. Th goal of this match is to not win, because you might get fired. There's a lot of brawling. Big "Fallen Angel" chant is the only thing interesting so far. Good to know I'm not the only one who misses the original Daniels gimmick. Homicide dives onto about 6 guys. Hernandez then border tosses Rave onto all those guys, and gets one of the cases. Lance Hoyt does the whole 'destroy everyone' thing. Dear Don West, wrestling has enough gay stigmata as it is. Please don't talk about Jimmy Rave "nailing him(Black Machismo) in the back" and "creaming him". Rave gets an awesome suplex counter to the Lethal Combination. Curryman gets a case. Homicide ace crushers Machismo off the top rope. Homicide gets the case, standing on Dutt's back to get it. Guns take out Lance Hoyt, and then heat Rave with a combination powerbomb and sliced bread from the corner. Doomsday Dropkick on Machismo. Guns work together to get the case, but Machismo steals it at the last moment, much to the frustration of the Motor City machineguns and me.


Winners: L.A.X., Curryman, Black Machismo




Guns looked pissed. Then again, if anyone was booked the way they are, I reckon they'd be pissed off too. Briefcase 2 is going to be opened, which is Jay Lethal's. Lethal gets into the ring with the pissed off Macineguns. and J.B. The Guns argue that is should be their case, and the fans chant for L.A.X. After only about a year, they actually open the case to reveal a tag title shot, to the rage of the Guns. The fans chant bullshit. JB runs the Guns down. Way to present them as a big deal, the companies biggest joke is making fun of them. And they then do nothing. Fuck buggery.


Promo backstage with Sharmell and Beautiful People. It's too long a promo, and there's no intensity.

Getting to look at Velvet Skye isn't making this fun for me. THAT IS THE EXTENT TO WHICH THIS BORES ME. And insertion of Sarah Palin makes this worse. Apparently she's coming to Impact on Thursday. Swerve or not, I'm not going to watch iMPACT this Thursday.


Sharmell, Beautiful People vs ODB, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde. 5 woman, 1 ODB tag match.


Knockouts division feels empty without Gail Kim. I'm a sad Neil nowadays when I watch a Knockouts match. Oh no, it's this again! It's so familiar from the last time. We get one face holds Angelina's arm, with the other hitting a sledge from the top about twenty times. ODB is a manlier version of Ricky Morton, playing face in peril. Enter Sharmell, who hasn' been involved yet, does a very brief and shitty looking ground and pound, then tags in Angelina. ODB gets the hot double clothesline, tags in Taylor Wilde. Brawl, which ends up with ODB and Sharmell in the ring together. Enter Cute Kip, who ODB sees off quickly. A man beating up a woman like that is just wrong. I'd press complaints if I was Cute Kip. ODB chases Sharmell backstage, and Taylor rolls Angelina up for three.


Winners: ODB, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde.      

Machineguns pin JB against the lockers, and get him to tell them where Foley is.


TNA X Division Title: Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Eric Young.


Fans behind Eric Young, and the announcers are talking about how Sewell, the ref, has a grudge with Bashir. Guess what the finish will be? Eric controls, hitting a snap powerslam crisply for two. Good wrestling action, and this is a nice solid one on one match, and an hour into my evening, the only one I've seen. Eric Young thrown into the railing, turning the tide back to Bashir. Waistlock, and Young starts to break out or some offense, but Bashir cuts it off. Confronts Sewell, and gets a two count. Tenay claims the bow and arrow is a surfboard. This is mostly because Tenay sucks. Young flips out of the hold, hitting a dropkick. Nice move. Kip-up, and Eric mounts a comeback. Huge back suplex and Young goes up top for an elbow. Kip-up, back suplex, top rope elbow? Someone's bee watching HBK matches recently. Young overshoots the moonsault, and Bashir covers for two. Quick roll-up by Eric Young for two. Wheelbarrow neckbreaker, Bashir has his foot on the ropes. This match is actually dragging me forcibly back into caring about this show. Nice, paced out match. Bashir puts Eric Young out, and argues with Sewell, pushing him. Young goes for a sunset flip, Bashir holds onto the ropes, and Sewell kicks his arms out, allowing Young ot get the win and the title.


Winner: Eric Young.

 Bashir beats Young down, there's some brief offence from Sewell, who lands chops and a backdrop before getting nailed with the belt.  Bashir then pretty much owns both of them, biting Sewell's bleeding head, and leaves with the title and Sewell's blood all around his mouth. Cornette and security take the title away.


Hype video for Christy Hemme vs Awesome Kong. Focuses on AJ working with her to improve her wrestling.


TNA Women's Title Match: Awesome Kong vs Christy Hemme.


Don West makes sure to bury Hemme with is commentary. Hemme attacks Kong to no effect. We get the crossbody from the top to Kong on the outside which...works? It never worked for Gail Kim. So she's better than Kim now? Gay. Fans pretty behind Kong, so the whole "upset everyone wants to see" story isn't really working. Hemme dodges a corner charge, and stands on the second rope to kick Kong in the head. Corner Tornado DDT looks pretty good. Hemme with a splash from the top for what would be the finish, but Rhaka Khan and Raisha Saed pull her out and attack her. Hemme back on the ring, but the heels rush her for the DQ finish.


Winner by DQ: Christy Hemme.


Way, WAY too short. Not one of those matches where I just don't care, and don't bother calling the moves, I pretty much got everything there. It was just really short. They're held apart from a brawl, to chants of "Let them fight".


JB backstage with Kurt Angle, Angle seems like a psycho, which isn't much of a step for Angle, I suppose. "Flame that burns within me for Jeff Jarrett. I am obsessed by Jeff Jarrett. I think about Jeff Jarrett morning, day and night." Wrestling. It's not gay. Honest. Angle says that Mick is "taken care of" If he swerve heel turns to join the Mafia, I'll uh...bitch and moan about it I guess. Man, I need something more threatening.


Uh, hype video guy? Saying the tag champions are "the very definition of tedious" isn't great marketing.


TNA World "Definition of Tedious" title match: The 'Blueprint' Matt Morgan and Abyss vs Beer Money Inc.


Abyss goes straight after Storm from the get go and we have a brawl, kiddies. Faces send heels outside. Abyss goes after Storm, Roode follows, and Morgan just stands there. Beer Money Inc. are chased back to the ring, and Morgan planchas onto both of them on the outside. That was coincidental. Beer Money just leave, rather than have to carry work with Morgan. Good choice. Andrew Charles rings the bell to restart the match, and if the heels don't return by ten, they lose the belts. Which can now apparently be lost by countout. Teasing people actually fighting, but it doesn't happen due to excessive amounts of sucktitude. Apparently the X Division title has been suspended. A title decision so important, it's only covered in  passing comment by the announcers. Morgan uses his superior DNA to steal Nicole's jokes powerslam Roode. Enter Abyss. Abyss owns Roode, and Storm gets a beer. Double team shoulderblock on Roode for two. Big heel heat for Beer Money. Jacqueline gives the distraction, allowing Beer Money to regain the advantage, as Roode takes him out before tagging in Storm. Storm talks to ref, allowing Roode to post Morgan's leg. Beer Money=great heel champions. Roode in, and Morgan uses his similar sounding name to channel Morton. Abyss is such a monster that he lets the ref tell him not to enter the rig and beat someone up. Rocket Launcher gets two. Morgan suplexes both heels. Abyss in, Storm flees, leaving Roode to be killed by Abyss. Storm breaks up the Shock Treatment, but gets flapjacked. Roode eats a chokeslam. Tastes like chicken. Shock Treatment on Storm, Roode breaks it up. Abyss blocks the beer bottle shot, and grabs the bottle. Jacqueline gets in the way, Storm slips brass knucks on and lands the knucks shot for three.


Winners and still TNA World Tag Team Champions: Beer Money Inc.

Mick Foley promo! Yay. Machine-guns appear. It's like all the awesome in the company is congregating in one room. They push for the results of the first match being overturned. Foley threatens that Shelley will get what's coming to him...next thursday on iMPACT. This would be the third time they've plugged impact on the PPV. Someone needs to sit TNA down and tell them that you use TV to build towards PPV, not the other way around.


Shelley as a cocky heel is awesome. Cuts a great promo. Enter Jim Cornette, who tells us he's "not Mick Foley". Never would've noticed that, thanks Jim! I love Alex Shelley. Awesome promo by Shelley. Cornette goes to get security. From anyone else, this'd suck. But it's the guns, so it kinda rules. Lights out, Suicide swoops down from the roof on a wire, and owns the guns.


Rhino promo. Apparently the background to this match is Jeff Jarrett's three little girls. Man, they've insinuated themselves into every aspect of the company. They've learnt well from their father.


Kurt Angle vs Rhino, Mick Foley as Guest Enforcer. If Rhino wins (Yeah, right), Angle leaves TNA, if Kurt Angle wins, he gets to fight Jeff Jarrett at Genesis.


I've been saying since Angle came into TNA that he could have a great match with Rhino if it was presented properly. Hope this can live up to my expectations.


Fans are behind Rhino. If Rhino could get a decent push behind him, that'd be awesome. Rhino overpowers Angle in the opening of the match. Dueling chants. Quick shoulderblocks and takedowns. So far, Rhino has the match under control. Angle turns it around by pushing Rhino off the top rope to the floor. Angle whips Rhino into the barrier, and Rhino kicks out at two in the ring. Side headlock on Rhino on the mat. Rhino powers up, and delivers an angle slam like move, but has no effect. Rhino strikes, and teases a comeback, but gets caught with an overhead belly to belly. Angle beating Rhino down in the corner, but Rhino mounts another brief comeback.  Fans really behind Rhino, and we get a double down spot. Trading shots in the middle of the ring, and a clothesline by Rhino followed by a spinebuster puts the match back in his favour. Shouldercharge in the corner on Angle. Angle scores a german from nowhere, and puts the straps down. Olympic slam turned into a belly to belly. Rhino misses a Gore (Gore! Gore!), and is put in the Angle Lock. Rhino pushes out of the Angle Lock, and drops Angle from a powerbomb position onto the turnbuckle. Anle blocks the Gore with a kick to the shoulder. Seriously, that's all it takes? Hits the Angle Slam, gets two. Angle positions a ref for the gore instead of him. Angle puts Rhino down, and grabs a chair. Foley goes to stop him. Rhino gets a roll-up, and Foley counts two. Angle caught by his own trick as he goes up top, but Rhino was playing possum. Superplex gets two for Rhino. Al FUCKING SNOW! OH MY SHITTING GOD! Yeah, I'm an Al Snow mark. Al slaps Foley and  goes into the crowd. While Foley goes after him, Angle chairshots Rhino and follows with a Angle slam.


Winner by Al Snow: Kurt Angle.

Al fucking Snow. Awesome.


Angle cuts a promo, where he calls Foley an "old son of a bitch". Mick Foley is less than three years older than Kurt Angle.


Ok, the announcers are pushing that the feud between Foley and Snow is built off all the comments made by Foley about Snow in his books.


Main event mafia promo.


Hype video for TNA Frontline vs Main Event Mafia.


TNA Frontline promo about whether they can trust 3D. Incredibly gay moment between Ray and D-Von.


TNA World Title: AJ Styles,Samoa Joe and Team 3D vs Sting, Booker T, Kevin Nash and Booker T. If Frontline wins (Yeah, right), Styles wins title. If Main Event Mafia wins, Sting retains.


Crowd well and truly behind AJ Styles, who starts with Booker. Styles and Booker have a great, quick exchange mid ring, ends with a fantastic dropkick by Styles and a tag to Bubba. Sideslam on Ray, and Steiner is in. Bubba dodges the elbow and uranages Steiner. Double shoulderblock with Joe on Steiner. Joe trashes Steiner in the corner, and Joe tells Steiner to tag in Nash. Sting enters, because apparently he wants Joe to kill him. Joe obliges. Eye rake brings Sting back on control, and starts working Joe over before tagging Nash. Nash works Joe in the corner, but it doesn't last. joe wants Nash so bad that he almost immediately tags in D-Von. D-Von takes out Booker and Steiner, who try to interfere. Numbers game allows Nash to hit the big boot on D-Von Dudley. Steiner in, and belly to bellies D-Von for two. D-Von playing face in peril in the corner. Fans start to rally behind D-Von. D-Von able to push Steiner off the top and score a diving headbutt. Tags in Ray, who is a house on fire. Ray calls an audible "Die you son of a bitch!"  Stop exposing the business. Joe in, beating up Nash. And Booker. Steiner crotches Joe on the post. Nash does...something. Something lame. It gets two. Joe's getting beaten down in the corner now. Ray tries to save Joe, but it's not enough. Booker tries to trade shots with Joe. Big mistake. Enter Steiner, who belly to bellies Joe from the top for two. Joe stops a top rope splash from Sting with the knees, but Sting drags Joe back to the corner. Goes to the wrong side, and gets more of a beating. Catches Steiner in the corner with a uranage. Tags in Styles, who kills everyone. Stinger Splashes for the Mafia., and does the shout. Beautiful suplex gets two on Sting. Styles blind tags Joe, who catches Sting with an insane suplex, and we have an 8 man brawl. Booker T eats a 3D. Steiner T-Bones D-Von, Bubba Full Nelson slams Steiner, Nash chokeslams Bubba. Styles flying forearms Nash. Sting Scorpion Deathlocks Styles. Super kick by Joe, who sets Sting up for the musclebuster, but Nash lowblows Joe, allowing Sting to Deathdrop Joe for three.


Winners: Main Event Mafia.



All in all, the show was ok, and I loved seeing Rhino as a main eventer, but it was just...dull. Too much crap, which undid the fact that some of it was good, and nothing great,


As always, the rest of the site is awesome. Go check out their fine work.


See you in 2009!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).