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DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/01/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome once again, fuckhats (it's a term of endearment~! Kind of), to another week of Deadface Walking! I'm Catherine, and I still can't stop laughing at Undertaker's Batman voice from last Friday. Looook at meeeeee, womaaaaan!111 Brilliant. Since WWE's obviously got a secret agenda to one-up The Dark Knight, I'd like to nominate Paul Bearer for the role of The Penguin. Danny Devito, eat your heart out... before Paul does~! Yes, I know he lost like 300 pounds ages ago. Let's begin!

Now that Cena's out for a few months over some neck injury (GET WELL SOON~!) -- and there's really no need to further explain the most circulated news of the week -- it was announced on Raw that Rey Mysterio would be taking Cena's place in the championship scramble match. Wait. So these assholes, with their ability to call the missing Mysterio up and put his ass in a match, knew where he was the whole time... yet they never bothered to save him from Kane? IS CONTINUITY ALIVE, OR IS IT DEAD?!?! WWE has failed Kane yet again. Let's try not to be too surprised when Kane and Mysterio forget anything ever happened and team up to squash Charlie Haas, who'll probably be wrestling as Char'Lo Brown or Haascore Holly or Haas-saw Jim Duggan. Gawd. How are we supposed to get behind anything Kane ever does if the rug's always pulled out from under him?

Kane: Rey Mysterio's not here anymore... he's been mangled beyond recognition... pushed beyond the limits of his own broken psyche... oh, but, um, I guess you can catch him over at catering while he's fixing himself some coffee.

He's a big, red monster... with a soft side, apparently! Thanks for returning little Rey-Rey before Adamle 'demanded' him back, Kane! Is this some kind of joke? On a side note, we should all consider ourselves lucky that Mysterio turned out to be alive and not dead; who knows what unspeakable horrors Kane would have, uh, thrusted upon Mysterio's corpse (see what I did there?)? Won't someone please hand Kane a storyline that won't test the boundaries of how far a fan's intelligence can be insulted? You know something's wrong when Edge is portraying a better psycho in the span of three weeks than Kane has in the last four years. Not that I'm complaining about Edge being the better psycho. I mark HARD for Edge and his crazy psycho antics. All that being said, I am pretty interested in seeing where this storyline goes. Huge contradiction, I know, but if there's even a slim chance that Mysterio could come back as Kane's evil, sadistic lackey for no reason, you can consider me intrigued, especially if the kids in the crowd start to cry. Of course, considering Rey's lack of acting ability, we'll most likely just get one of his riveting promos consisting of, "Kane, you thought you could break my spirit? 'Cause you couldn't! Now it's my turn... to break YOUR spirit~!" as he stands there with a band-aid over his eye and his ribs taped up. Beautiful.

Monday Night Raw on Sci-Fi garnered a 2.8 cable rating~! Enjoy it, Sci-Fi, because, as Chris Jericho would put it, you'll never see ratings like that ever, eeeeeeeeeever a-GAIN. I don't recall fucking Ice Spiders or that steaming shit log Mansquito getting ratings like that! SUCK ON THAT. Way too much enthusiasm on my part, I know. Let's move on.

Mick Foley and TNA have come to an agreement, and he'll be debuting after his WWE contract expires on September 1st. GET READY FOR KINDMAN!!! Not wanting to miss their chance to milk this potential cash cow, TNA has already begun working on t-shirt and other merchandise ideas for him. Using that time to instead write a decent storyline for him to jump into, so we don't all think Foley made the biggest mistake of his entire life by joining a company that makes Kurt Angle look like far less of the wrestling superstar he is? PHOOEY AND PSHAW~! We clearly haven't had enough of Mick Foley t-shirts over the years! Knowing TNA and their inability to put enough effort into their merch ideas, however, I can only assume the shirt will look like this:



And keep an eye out for TNA's The Best of Mick Foley 3-disc DVD, chock full of highlights from Mick's first week of employment! You won't want to miss TNA's exclusive footage of Mick arriving in Universal Studios via taxi cab! It's just that amazing.

It looks there there are some rumblings of Stone Cold Steve Austin possibly wrestling at Wrestlemania 25. According to
The Sun, Austin's reportedly appearing at Cyber Sunday on 10/26 -- as advertised by Phoenix, Arizona's U.S. Airways Arena website -- to start off what'll lead to a one-fight-only return in a Flair-like send off at Wrestlemania 25, which takes place in his hometown of Houston, Texas. Seeing as I'll be attending 'Mania, I'm all for this; there's nothing quite like getting to witness a historic event at my first-ever wrestling show. Of course, since this is a one-fight-only deal, and everyone who knows Austin always talks about how he won't wrestle unless he's 100%, I'm going to be expecting his match to obliterate Michaels vs. Flair because of the blinding awesomeness. My spending of $816 for that Wrestlemania package now depends on it, damn it!

Of all the news to come out about TNA's iMPACT video game, the only one I've ever felt was worth reporting is the following: the final opponent to defeat in this game is none other than J-E-DOUBLE F J-A-DOUBLE R-E-DOUBLE T, Jeff Jarrett~! Biiig surprise there, right? If he can't rule over the show with an iron fist, then, by gawd, he'll decimate the roster in video game form! Says IGN.com of Jarrett's video game character, "Sure, like most of the TNA roster, he looks great, but his moves are pretty average and seemingly obsessed with testicle shots." Seemingly? This is a guy whose catchphrase included the word "slapnuts"! And he looks like a fucking St. Bernard in the game. Needless to say, this and the whole Suicide storyline - and the fact that it's a fucking TNA game featuring TNA wrestlers in TNA storylines with TNA match stipulations and overall TNA fuckery - are pushing me towards not wanting to buy this game. I'll rethink my opinion on this if Midway adds a special Shut The Fuck Up feature on the voice-over commentary from Don West and Mike Tenay, because Lord knows no one wants to hear West's take on how disturbed and demented Suicide might be.

Rejoice, NOAH fans and ROHbots, for it looks like WWE won't be taking your precious Takeshi Morishima from you like the table scrap pilfering grab-asses they are! Morishima's tryout didn't exactly garner positive reviews, since he's, umm... fat. Some officials actually felt disrespected because Morishima, at 320 pounds, showed up looking like the Michelin Man. Who can blame them? I know I feel like I've been slapped in the face when guys like Big Daddy V slosh around the ring like a sack of Jell-O that's been slammed into a tree Jason Voorhees-style. I completely fail to understand how no one within WWE knew that Morishima's a chubby chub beforehand, but after that whole Braden Walker fiasco, WWE's reluctance to hire the horizontally challenged [/political correctness] is more than understandable. Another NOAH and ROH wrestler, Go Shiozaki, defeated Carlito in less than three minutes in a dark match. Reports say WWE isn't interested at all in Shiozaki, and Vince supposedly said the guy was "too Asian." Between this and telling Carlito to "spic it up", Michael Hayes clearly has nothing on Vinnie Mac.

Here's a report for the sad state of affairs file, and your least interesting news bit! Funaki turned 40 years old this week! I'd avoid any "gifts" from Johnny Ace for the next month if I were 'Naki. Vince McMahon also celebrated his, uh... 61st? 62nd? 80th? birthday this week. His party most likely ended with the largest mass induction to the Kiss My Ass Club to date. "It's time for the birthday cake! But this year, you all have to lick the frosting off my lily-white ass!" Oh, God, I'm going to be sick.



It's time yet again for Hey Man, Nice Shoot! I'm Catherine, sitting down this week with Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz, and... exactly who are you guys?

Bourne: [Stares longingly into a nearby camera.] Hi. I'm Evan Bourne, and tonight, I'll be interviewed by Catherine Perez, a former TWF Writer of the Year. And I'll defy the odds... 'cause I defy gravity.

...okay...

Bourne: Yeah.

Your face is hysterically small. And Ricky, who exactly are you?

Ortiz: I'm Ricky Ortiz!

You sure are. Any major accomplishments in WWE so far?

Ortiz: I've got a 4-0 undefeated streak on ECW! And I've got a WWE-licensed towel!

Doesn't amount to much, but okay. Evan, you're apparently the high-flyer of the brand. How'd you get Vince to allow you to perform the Shooting Star Press after guys like Billy Kidman and Juventud Guerrera ruined it for everyone?

Bourne: I'd... I'd rather not say.

Oh. Like thaaat. You poor thing.

Ortiz: I've got a lot of fans, you know! I call them Rick-and-Rollers!

Because you trick them into thinking they're getting something awesome until you make an entrance or because you're going to be as irrelevant as Rick Astley in two years?

Ortiz: ...man, that's cold.

Come on, I'm just kidding! I have no reason to rip on your performance on ECW, especially since I've never seen a single match of yours. Ever. Evan, do you mind turning away from me so I don't die laughing at your comically microsized face?

Bourne: You want me to turn my chair around or something?

No, no, that'd be rude of me. But really... what the fuck is up with your face? Why do you look like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. movie? Did someone bulldog you through a splintered table and the doctors could only salvage half the original face?

Bourne: I... what... what?
Ortiz: I'm not exactly seeing what you're seeing, Catherine.

How can you not? LOOK at his face! Here, allow me to show you exactly what I mean:



Bourne: Come on, that's obviously doctored!
Ortiz: No, no, I do see what she means.

ACCEPT IT; YOUR FACE IS HILARIOUSLY MINISCULE. I can't take you seriously as a WWE wrestler---

Bourne: Superstar.

You keep telling yourself that. I can't take you seriously as a WWE Superstaaar when your face reminds me of a toilet not flushing all the way!

Bourne: What?!
Ortiz: BAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Bourne: I don't have to take this kind of abuse from you! I defy gravity! I defeated Chavo Guerrero!

So? A lot of Divas have accomplished anti-gravity in the chest area, and everyone's defeated Chavo at this point in his career!

[Bourne storms out, crying his teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy eyes out.]

Bourne: I'll be back! You'll see! I'll be a big star! HUGE STAR!!!

Too bad you can't say the same about your face! Wow, I feel pretty accomplished. That's all for this week's Hey---

Ortiz: Hey, what about me?! I didn't even get to share all my awesome Ricky Ortiz merchandise ideas! I know I didn't travel five hours to sit here and listen to you point out Evan's frighteningly tiny mug!

And I want to thank you for traveling those five hours to listen to me make fun of Evan's face. I guess I'll hear one of your ideas.

Ortiz: Sweet! Okay, so, when all my awesome merch starts selling, kids are going to need something to hold it all in, right?

I guess so.

Ortiz: Damn right. So what better to serve this purpose than...

[Ortiz pulls out a large wicker basket with his face slapped onto the front.]

Ortiz: ...my RICKER BASKET~! Get it? Wicker? Ricker?

...I'm beyond words. Ricky, your merch ideas are so terrible, you really should consider a job on WWE's creative team. I'll even write you a letter of recommendation. That's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week as Iwelcome back Batista to the show~!

Ortiz: So you don't like it?

Hell no.

Thanks for reading Deadface! I almost feel bad about that whole 'fuckhat' thing. And if you feel bad about cursing me under your breath after reading the 'fuckhat' thing, feel free to send me some feedback, and maybe you'll get a Ricker basket in the mail. Or not. Also make sure to check out the main page for the rest of the staff's updates for the week, because there's a pot of gold in one of those columns and you've gotta read them all to find it~! I'm Catherine Perez, blatant fucking liar, and I've got tons of graphic design work to get to. Ugh.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).