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DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/13/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, America's #1 source of wrestling news that 80% of Americans don't give a rat's ass about. As you should know by now (and how could you not, what with this being my 20th fucking column), I am Catherine Perez, the now black-haired wonder. Not as awesome-sounding, I know. I'm sure many of you have read from Anvil's Swagbag that I will be taking over the Smackdown Rant for a few days... weeks... months... hell, I don't know how long it'll be. However, don't fret, Deadface Walking will continue as well. You heard it right, bitches: double the Catherine, jam-packed into one splendiferous week of fun~! Those had better be tears of joy.

Dave Meltzer has reported that King Booker quit the WWE after being told that he was to be suspended for 60 days as punishment for the Signature Pharmacy bust. In a Deadface Walking exclusive, I will now reveal a transcript of Booker's final moments in the company:

Booker: Damn, bitch, why do I always gotta be jobbin' to Triple H?!
Stephanie McMahon: Hey, uh, Book... about that whole Signature Pharmacy thing...
Booker: Bitch, I didn't do NUTHIN'~!
Sharmell: Tell her, baby!
Stephanie: Yeah... look... you're suspended. That's 60 days without pay.
Booker: ...how the hell am I supposed to keep PWA running? I ain't robbin' Wendy's again!
Stephanie: Man, I don't know, what the hell am I? Nostradamus?
Booker: Man, kiss my black ass. I QUIT.
Sharmell: YOU TELL HER, BA--- ...what?! Maaaaan, now I gotta be doin' bikini contests and shit...

What a sad state of affairs. Well, at least Booker's still got his Hippity Hoppin' clothing store. Oh, and, Booker was then quoted as saying, "Vince McMahon, we comin' for you, nigga~!111 ...Fuck."

TNA had promised Adam "Pacman" Jones a title, explaining why he currently holds one half of TNA's Tag Team titles despite the fact that he didn't bother to even clothesline a bitch. Fuck Pacman, his title, his Winnebago, his face, his suckerpunched strippers, and his football jersey! Boy is making me damn near nauseous.

As announced on TNA's recent PPV whose name escapes me, iMPACT~!1 will be getting TWO HOURS starting on October 4th. You can look forward to less X Division, more Angle, and more washed-up, fat assholes running the show. Speaking of which, Kevin Nash is currently pushing for TNA to sign Scott Hall and Sean Waltman. Oh, goody. Hall, who is turning 49 soon, made his in-ring return to WWC in July after losing his stung-by-a-jellyfish pounds. Waltman, while not turning 49 soon, is still fucking boring. How sad is it that every time I want to type "Waltman" I accidentally type "Walmart"? Subliminal fortune telling on Waltman's next place of employment? Believe it.

Shelly "Not Ariel" Martinez is currently advertising herself over the internet as a woman with a 34DD chest who will accept payment from men to "wrestle" her. Uh... huh... She also says she is clean and professional with submission wrestling experience. If Anvil's Swagbag's fixation on his imagined perception of my breasts is any indication, I don't think men really care about how much experience Shelly's got. While I'm on the subject of Miss Martinez, here's a link to one of Shelly's recent blog entries, where she reminisces about farting in Brent "Gunner Scott" Albright's face. Ah, sweet memories...

Nicole "I'm a woman, I SWEAR~!" Bass called in to Howard Stern's show a few weeks ago, begging Stern to give her $900 to keep her husband from going to jail. At first, Stern refused to lend her any money, saying that, if he did, "a million other wackos" would start calling in and begging for money. Stern's stylist offered $300, and a caller pledged another $300. Jesus Christ. Stern finally buckled under the pressure and chipped in the last $300. Later on, Stern let everyone know that Bass is determined to start a new life, and is now working at one of those 900-line phone chat gigs after quitting her job as a personal trainer. Hey, anything to keep men from seeing the sheer monstrosity that is Nicole Bass, right?

I might have reported this many times before, with all reports proving to be untrue. However, I'm reporting this one last time, in the hopes that maybe, this time around, it'll finally come true. It is expected that TNA will FINALLY debut their Women's Division with a match or two once their two-hour deal begins. Please, God, let it be true this time. I would love nothing more than a Women's Division with some real wrestlers that don't have to rely on how enormous their jugs are to get over with a crowd. TNA is reportedly interested in grabbing a few SHIMMER athletes (*COUGH*HIRE DAFFNEY~!*COUGH*) for their new division. I hope they pull it off right; I don't want to think that ALL mainstream women's wrestling blows.

Stephanie McMahon has stated that Vinnie Mac is looking forward to testifying before Congress, and would do so while wearing a clown wig. I would assume that the wig would be used to hide that unsightly mass of Red Sea-parted hair that Vince is currently rocking on his head. If this was Stephanie's first attempt at stand-up comedy, I would suggest that she sticks to her day job of firing people and making women cry.

Kristal Marshall has revealed in her kayfabe blog that R&B group Jagged Edge will be performing at her and Teddy Long's wedding ceremony. This ceremony takes place in about 2 weeks, so make sure to set your TVs to Sleep Mode when the show begins. And from a Kristal to a Crystal: Crystal Loutham will now be handling interviews in TNA. On her first day, she is said to have done a better job than Leticia Cline did after months of working. Leticia is still employed by the company, but she could be getting her walking papers soon. Speaking of walking papers...

Hardcore icon The Sandman has been fired. Honestly, I saw this coming a mile away after he was drafted to Raw. I'm sure TNA will be thrilled to have him debut as Das Sandemann.

Jim Ross believes that ECW's hardcore matches would cease to be special "if one sees them every week, and these matches increase the odds of a wrestlers [sic] getting injured." Riiiiight. J.R., you are aware that hardcore matches aired just about every week for nearly a decade, right? I certainly haven't ever heard of any old-school ECW fan saying, "Dude, why don't they tone it down with all the hardcore action? I'd like to see a shitty, 3-minute borefest every now and again." If anything, I think ECW should air more hardcore matches - REAL hardcore matches, not the craptacular aluminum slapfests that air once in a blue moon. God damn it, why is everyone so ass-backwards in WWE?

And now, this week's least interesting news bit. Want a retard at YOUR second-rate wrestling event? Well, too bad; Vince Russo's busy. BUT, there is still hope! Integrity Bookings is pleased (seriously?) to announce that Nick "U-Gene" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! U. GENE.) Dinsmore is currently available for autograph sessions, wrestling matches, and pro-wrestling clinics. Get yourself a piece of U-Gene (HAHAHAHAHA) today~! Interested parties can contact TalentRelations@integritybookings.com, and then proceed to dunk their heads into battery acid. And now, Eric Bischoff's least-favorite nephew joins us for this week's edition of...


Thanks for taking the time to answer some questions, uh, U-Gene... haha. Glad you could find the entrance.


U-Gene: I LIKE EGGS.

That so? Yeah, so how've you been since you got the boot from WWE?

U-Gene: EGGS I LIKE.

...m'kay.

U-Gene: LIKE I EGGS.

Cut it out, you moron; I know you're not really a retard.

U-Gene: Uncle Eric says I'm special.

It's too bad that no WWE fan agreed. So, what are you planning to do with your time off?

U-Gene: I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD~!

Hey, that's in Florida, right? I suppose you'll be making a pit stop over at the iMPACT Zone?

U-Gene: No way, I want to see Spongebob Squarepants!

...Spongebob isn't a Disney cartoon. It's a Nickelodeon cartoon. You'd have to go to Universal Studios or something. You know, closer to TNA. Sounds tempting, eh? I hear they pay a hefty sum for some WWE rejects.

U-Gene: Vince paid me in Cheetos!

...are you telling me that you're virtually broke?

U-Gene: I'm fine and... finansh... fi-nan-cia-lly supported by my mommy. Mommy says I'm special too!

Oh, you're so full of shit. You're fired from WWE, dude. You don't have to keep up the retard charade anymore.

U-Gene: ...I don't?

No. You don't. For the love of God, go out and live your life like you used to. You're so embarrassing.

U-Gene: Seriously... like... I can act normal now?

Yeah. You can.

U-Gene (crying tears of joy): OH MY GOD, I'M FREE! I'M FREEEEEEE!!!!11111

...

U-Gene: What the fuck am I doing sitting here with you?! I'M FREE! I CAN LIVE NOW! Look out, world, NICK DINSMORE IS BACK~! I'm going to be the biggest star the indy wrestling world has ever seen!

It's not like anyone knows who the hell Nick Dinsmore is; you're better off being a retard anyway.

U-Gene: ...oh, God, you're right. Christ, this is so depressing. Do you have any pain killers on you?

No.

U-Gene: Ugh. I'm out of here. I've got pharmacies to rob.

Wait, what about my interview?!

U-Gene: I don't know, interview the camera guy. See ya~!

...ungrateful prick. WELL. Join me next week when I sit down with James Mitchell and the mysterious Judias Mesias, or whatever the hell his name is!

Thank you for reading this week's short-as-hell (thank you, college) Deadface Walking! Unfortunately, I've got more college and a Smackdown recap to mentally prepare for, so... just visit the main page for all the great updates of the week, and then some! Toodles!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).