BATTLE OF THE WWF SUPERSTARS 1992

Approx running time: 2 hrs

Approx time period covered: 1992

Released: 1992

Host: Sean Mooney

Mooney opened from the poopdeck (huh-huh, huh-huh) of the U.S.S. Intrepid Sea Air Space Museum.  Mooney previewed the tape and threatened to tell us more about the Intrepid in the next two hours.  Oh, goodie.  And before anyone asks, yes this was the same U.S.S. Intrepid where they did the Yokozuna bodyslam challenge on 7/4/93.

1) Hulk Hogan & IC champion Roddy Piper b World champion Ric Flair & Sid Justice (w/ Harvey Wippleman) [2/19/92].  There are limits to even Ric Flair’s superhuman carrying abilities.  Good psychology when Flair and Piper were in there, bad everything else when Hogan and Sid were in there.  How’s this for a clustershmazz of terms: There was a false Hogan Nasty finish when Hogan covered Flair after the boot/legdrop, but Sid broke up Hogan’s pin with the weakest chairshot ever and put Flair on top for a near-fall.  Flair and Sid threw Piper out of the ring and gloated, allowing Hogan to blindside Flair with a weak clothesline for the pin.  Flair sold said weak clothesline as if he was in a train wreck…which I guess he kinda was.  (Mike)

Mooney gave us a history lesson about the time the U.S.S. Intrepid courageously attacked a Japanese Carrier.  Now I finally know how non-wrestling people feel when I pelt them with wrestling trivia.

WrestleCrap alert!  Special feature: “The Bushwhackers’ Aerobic Workout.”  Those zany New Zealanders crashed an aerobics class and forced a room of leotard-clad women to do the Bushwhacker strut with them.  This was the one time I would have actually understood had the ‘Whackers tried going around licking people in their vicinity, yet they didn’t do it.

2) The Nasty Boys & The Beverly Brothers (w/ Jimmy Hart & The Genius) b The Bushwhackers & Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter [3/9/92].  Oh dear sweet loving Jesus, no.  Look, I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for this site, but this is where I draw the line.  I’m not gonna do it.  I’m just not.  Instead, I think I’ll fast forward through this thing and make up my own match as I go along, and you know in your heart that I’m doing the right thing.  Fast start as Brian Knobs hit a beautiful Asai moonsault to the floor on Butch.  Butch sold like a champ, but fought back and drilled Knobs with a Takaiwa triple-powerbomb into a Death Valley driver.  Both guys tagged, and Slaughter countered Sags’ attempted flying hurricanrana by superbombing him off the top rope.  Duggan tagged in and hit a breathtaking shooting star splash on Sags.  Luke finally got the hot tag and the crowd went nuts.  Luke is the most over guy in the history of the company.  Far as the eye can see, men held up their “Luke is God” posters while women took off their tops in hopes of catching Luke’s eye.  Luke gave each of the heels a bionic elbowsmash, then pulled down his straps to activate his super-Luke-strength.  Luke let out a “Whoooooooa” and Luked up.  The fans were blowing the roof off the arena.  Luke grabbed a Nasty Boy in each hand, then kicked off his boots and wrapped one foot around the neck of each Beverly as well.  Then, in a move so incredible it had to be seen to be believed, Luke used his super-Luke-strength to lift all four heels in the air and give them his patented chokeslam/suplex/piledriver move.  Then out of nowhere, Wild Pegasus and Mitsuharu Misawa ran-in and traded spots for 40 minutes.  Amidst all the confusion, Knobs caught Butch unaware and pinned him after a Van Terminator.  Um, one of them was on fire, too.  See, now wasn’t that so much better than reality?  Oh, and if you actually care, what really happened was a clustershmazz of a match with awful cred-killing spots like a slo-mo four-way train wreck, and the ‘Whackers whipping each heel into a Duggan/Slaughter “Red Rover” clothesline.  Knobs beat Butch with a Nasty finish after Sags used the megaphone.  Now you know why I call it the “Nasty finish.”  In all seriousness, this was an awful, awful match.  One of the worst I’ve ever seen, without exaggeration.  (kevin)

3) Davey Boy Smith b Shawn Michaels (w/ Sherri) by DQ [2/18/92].  Ah, a Shawn Michaels match.  Just what I need to rinse the previous unpleasantness out of my mind.  Nothing really innovative, but Michaels was awesome as Davey’s “bump bitch” and he made the Bulldog look like a million quid.  Finish saw Sherri jump on Davey’s back for one of those obvious DQ finishes I hate.  Davey tried to powerslam Sherri, but Michaels saved her.  Good match.  (David)

More Intrepid history.  I don’t even care enough to pretend I’m pretending to care.

WrestleCrap alert!  Special feature: “Tailor Of The Wrestlers.”  This was a day in the tortured life of Needles The Tailor.  Needles was a nervous little hapless fella, perpetually bullied by heel wrestlers.  Credit where it’s due, this was a fun goofy little skit, and actually one of the better things on this thing.

4) Bret Hart & The Natural Disasters b The Mountie & The Nastys (w/ Jimmy Hart) via CO [2/18/92].  Well, at least it was better than the damn eight-man tag.  The Mountie was a hoot, singing some of his “I’m The Mountie” theme music over the mic.  Jacques Rougeau had three of the best heel themes ever with “All-American Boys” (for the Fabulous Rougeaus team), “I’m The Mountie,” and “We’re Not The Mounties” (for the Quebecers team).  Mooney set up the match by mentioning that the Disasters were formerly managed by Jimmy Hart.  Um, so was Bret.  Even when Mooney calls something right, he still asses it up.  Sigh.  Guess who was the star of this match, kiddies?  Poor Bret.  Poor me.  Poor match.  Finish came when Quake tried to hit his sitdown splash on Mountie, but all the heels bailed and took the countout.  Bret and Bret alone kept this watchable.  (Mike)

5) Repo Man b Virgil [?/?/92].  It was all downhill after Repo’s intro theme ended.  Darsow played the Repo character so over-the-top, you hadda love the guy.  Virgil was wearing an I-mask, as this match took place soon after Sid broke Virgil’s nose in an angle.  Hey, let’s just blame Sid for breaking your workrate, too.  Yeesh.  Finish saw Repo met a Virgil charge with a back elbow and pinned Virg by placing his feet on the ropes.  Another lousy match.  (Chris)

6) “El Matador” Tito Santana b Skinner [4/29/92].  WrestleCrap vs. WrestleCrap!  No matter how many Matador matches I sit through, I still find it hard to believe that this was the same Tito Santana whose name was chanted by a screaming Baltimore crowd when he regained the IC title in 1985.  Mooney and Lord Al were so into in this match, they gossiped about which cameramen have recently been promoted.  I’m serious.  Total snoozefest.  Santana finally gave this dog the Old Yeller treatment with his “El Paso Del Muerte” finisher.  (Chris)

Mooney is still singing the praises of the Intrepid, talking about how she no-sold many Kamikaze attacks.  There is no room for educational material on a WWF video.

7) Randy Savage b Berzerker (w/ Mr. Fuji) [?/?/92].  This was the beginning of the end for Savage’s prime as a worker, but dammit, he was still the man.  Savage sold ‘Zerk’s offense as only he could, and he actually made the guy look like a monster.  Lame ref bump when ‘Zerk picked up Savage for a slam, and Savage’s feet lightly brushed against the ref, who dropped like a rock.  Fuji accidentally threw salt in ‘Zerk’s face, allowing Savage to come off the top with Fuji’s cane, then drop the big elbow for the pin.  Good enough for what it was.  Savage is truly one of wrestling’s elite.  (David)

8) Tatanka b The Warlord [2/19/92].  Dammit, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this lineup?!  Um, don’t answer that.  This was during Tatanka’s early-90s superpush when he was undefeated for nearly two years.  Imagine them doing that angle with a guy nowadays, with two prime time shows a week and a PPV every month.  I’m surprised the Goldberg streak lasted as long as it did.  What I’m getting at is that watching any Tatanka match pre-1993 automatically lacks suspense simply because you know he’s not gonna lose.  The fact that Warlord was the other half of this match didn’t help, either.  Warlord’s push is one of the great unsolved mysteries of the biz, just like the contents of Baby Doll’s envelope.  At one point, Warlord actually talked to his bicep before clubbing Tatanka.  Even Lord Al was confused by that spot.  Warlord locked in a couple of those time-stands-still restholds of his, just in case this match was in danger of gaining heat.  Finish saw Tatanka roll-through a bodyslam and roll up ‘Lord for the pin.  Yet another horrible match.  (Chris)

Mooney signed off from the Intrepid.  Damn, and I would have bet money someone was going to throw him overboard to close out the tape, too (seriously).  That’s right, this tape was put together so lazily, they couldn’t even be bothered to abuse Sean Mooney during its production.  And that’s just sad.

Overall over-analysis:  The Needles skit was amusing, but the Bushwhackers skit was not.  The Michaels and Savage matches were good, every other match was not.  This wrestling tape was so bad, it actually left me burnt out on my hobby of watching wrestling tapes for a little while.  They kinda had the first and last match backwards, as star-studded tag matches have historically been saved for the “main event” on most Coliseum releases containing such a match.  Bottom line: From what I’ve seen so far, this is one of the five worst videos the WWF ever put out.  If you rent this willingly after reading this, you are either a masochist, a fool, or worse of all, some hopeless schmuck who wants to see every single Coliseum Video in existence (like me).  May God have mercy on your soul.

Grade: F

-HS-

(Match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com)