Coliseum Video: GRUDGE MATCHES (1993)

 Approx running time: 2-hrs-plus

Approx time period covered: 1991 – 1993

Released: 1993

Hosts: Sean Mooney & Lord Alfred Hayes

Before we get going here, I’d like to mention that the original “Grudge Matches” release (1986) was one of the best Coliseum Videos of all time.  The video lived up to its name, covering wars like Hogan-Muraco, Santana-Valentine, and Sammartino-Zbyszko.  It was put together well and featured red-hot blowoff matches to some of the greatest feuds in WWWFE history.  Just remember that, okay?  Better yet, read about it HERE.

Lord Al welcomed us from a suspicious background.  We’re supposed to believe that Lord Al is live from the Thames in England.  Lord Al was appalled that a disheveled Mooney showed up late and said, “You look like a tramp!”  I’m not making that up.  Mooney previewed some of the matches, but Lord Al was disgusted didn’t care.  Not a good sign for us, peeps.

1) Randy Savage b Papa Shango at 5:38 [9/22/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Did Shango put a “country music song” curse on Savage, causing him to lose his title, his wife, his hair, and his fashion sense?  Gorilla Monsoon committed credibilicide during this by saying, “After I saw what (Shango) did to the Ultimate Warrior and what I saw he did to a couple of youngsters on national television (?!), it sort of raised my expectations of just how big a part voodoo plays in this 20^th century.”  You heard it from the Gorilla, people.  Voodoo is good for me, and voodoo is good for you.  Did anyone else notice how when Savage started wearing the loud colors and shirt in the 90s, he basically wrestled the Hogan match each time out?  He starts fast, takes a beating, mounts a comeback and wins with his finisher (the big elbow).  That’s what happened here, anyway.  Crap.  Even Savage couldn’t be bothered.  (Chris)

2) “El Matador” Tito Santana TLD “Terrific” Terry Taylor (The Artist Formerly Known As The Red Rooster) at 10:19 for some reason [10/12/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Because had Santana not ended his undefeated streak on Saturday Night’s Main Event, Taylor might still be managed by Bobby Heenan Heenan today?  Lord Al and Mooney were more incoherent than usual in the booth.  Lord Al opened by saying, “It’s always good to annoy your opponent so that he loses his temper.”  I guess that explains why Lord Al always did his damndest to annoy the listening audience.  Mooney claimed that Taylor taunted Santana by saying that he “could not outmaneuver a cow.”  Santana took down Taylor, prompting Mooney to extrapolate, “Well, he didn’t look like a cow right there!”  Nothing gets by you, Sean.  Well, except talent, wit, and timing.  Even though Vince killed these guys with their Wild Kingdom gimmicks, they were still two of the better workers in the company and usually had decent matches.  This was no exception.  A crossbody from Santana woke up the crowd.  Taylor took over by yanking Santana headfirst into the buckles.  Looney Mooney actually tried to explain this grudge match by saying that somehow Santana’s bag ended up in Taylor’s locker room, leading to a shoving match, and thus, a challenge.  The hell?  On one hand, I somewhat want to give Gooney credit for trying to make this match seem more important than it appeared on the surface.  On the other hand, fuck him.  Was that the best he could do?  If neither of these guys had a match to begin with, why the hell were they in the arena in the first place?  Santana hit an outside-in sunset flip for a near-fall, but Taylor cut him off with a fall-away clothesline and a swinging neckbreaker for near-falls of his own.  This is when it was good.  Santana blocked a corner splash and mounted his comeback and hit “El Paso Del Muerte” (sp?) but Taylor was saved by the bell.  You mean to tell me that Terrific Red Terry Rooster Taylor can’t do a fucking job on a throwaway Coliseum Video?  Dammit, this was a grudge match!  One guy’s bag ended up in the other’s locker room!!  There was a score to be settled!  DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS, YOU GODLESS SONS OF WHORES!!!  The match had its good points, but it drops a notch due to both the lame finish and awful commentary.  Lord Al and Sir Sean were the worst broadcast team in WWWFE history.  (Mike)

3) Big Bossman & Virgil b The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius) by DQ at 8:40 [2/18/92]. 

A poem from The Genius:

The Brothers Beverly have finally got some competition

The Big Bossman and Virgil are a team

Although they may be strong as bulls and equally intelligent

I have a plan to hurt their self esteem

How the hell is this a grudge match?  Well, Mooney had another explanation.  (The damn match hasn’t even started yet, and Mooney has already given me a whole column’s worth of ammo.)  Mooney slanderously stated that the Bevs must have broken a law in order to get Bossman to find a partner because “We rarely see (Bossman) involved in tag team action.”  We do?  What about that whole freakin’ year Bossman and Akeem were The Twin Towers, #1 contenders to Demoliton’s Tag title?  Godammit, Mooney, you suck.  Virgil got beat on until hot-tagging BBM.  They did the four-men-in-the-ring stuff until Genius attempted to throw BBM’s nightstick to Beau, but Boss intercepted and cleaned house.  The Bevs were DQed because Genius threw the stick in the ring, I guess.  I don’t care, I’m just glad it’s over.  What a freakin’ waste.  (Chris)

Special Feature: Mooney’s Honeymoon.  Lord Al scoffed at Mooney’s necktie and inquired about Sean’s wife.  Lord Al, you dirty dog!  Lord Al was most amused by the fact that Mooney gave his wife the credit cards and allowed her to go shopping in England’s high-dollar district.  Who the hell did Vince think his audience was for this crap, anyway?  This segued into a horrid skit from Prime Time where Bobby Heenan supposedly sent a camera along to chronicle Mooney’s honeymoon.  Okay, first of all, who the hell would marry Sean Mooney?  Two vignettes followed, consisting of Mooney throwing a cameraman out of his bedroom.  Paris Hilton could have learned a thing from Sean.  We never actually saw Mrs. Mooney (kinda like Vera, Norm’s wife on Cheers).  The running joke was that Mrs. Mooney had a perpetual headache so Mr. Mooney couldn’t get any.  Words fail me.

4) Bob Backlund b IC champion Shawn Michaels via CO at 9:34 so Michaels retained the title [1/5/93].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Did The Howdy Doody Show give Michaels nightmares as a child, leading to this aversion therapy?  Did Backlund declare war on all long-haired hippies?  Sherri hadn’t even finished orgasming on Shawn’s classic intro, and Lord Al was already burying Backlund.  “He’s not my idea of an All-American Boy.  I would like someone who’s a lot tougher.  With a lot more spine and backbone to him.  This fellow doesn’t have a killer instinct.”  Usually I’d use this to fire off another cheap “Lord Al doesn’t like gals” joke, but instead, I’d like to speculate why Vince would bring back Backlund just to bury him.  True, Backlund didn’t want to drop the strap to Hogan in the 80s leading to Iron Sheik’s cup of coffee with the belt.  Do Arabs drink coffee?  Fine, cup of booka, then.  If it was a petty Vince burial, that’s hardly out of the ordinary, but Backlund got a monster heel push in 1994, even regaining the World title at Survivor Series that year.  This makes no damn sense.  Anyway, Lord Al notwithstanding, this was a fun little match.  Michaels already had “it” and a blind man could see that he was going to be huge.  Good storyline with the cocky punk vs. the no-nonsense veteran.  Backlund just plain outwrestled Michaels, sending him into a tizzy.  Michaels took over with an elbow off a break.  This was interesting in that it was totally “old school” with the heel only getting one up on the babyface by cheating, yet the crowd ate it up because both guys were great and convincing in their roles.  Backlund powered out of a front facelock and got a near-falls off a double-underhook suplex.  Michaels backdropped out of a piledriver attempt, grabbed the belt, and took a powder.  The insane thing is that Backlund literally just stood there slack-jawed while Michaels was counted out.  Then Backlund woke up and dragged the “Boy Toy” back to the ring, atomic dropped him, and counted his own “fall.”  When the result was announced, Lord Al mocked Backlund’s “Low IQ (for) thinking he’s the champion.”  I have never said this before and I will probably never say this again, but LORD ALFRED HAYES, YOU ARE 100% ON THE MONEY.  Backlund hit Michaels with the belt, and Michaels staggered out with the belt.  You know, I don’t think there was one mark on the planet who honestly wanted to see Backlund beat Michaels for the gold.  Good-not-great match,

   (David)

5) Bret Hart b Repo Man at 8:32 [9/2/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Because Demolition lost their last Tag Team championship to the Harts at SummerSlam 90, forcing Smash to get a day job repossessing cars?  Did R-Man repo Bret’s wife’s treadmill, causing her to gain 200 lbs in one calendar year?  The lazy bastards didn’t even bother to re-do the commentary on this 1992 Prime Time Wrestling match.  Gorilla and Lord Al were talking about the “satellite hookups with Razor Ramon and Macho Man Randy Savage.”  The hell?  By my count, Gorilla and Lord Al mentioned that Bret was a “former IC champion” 392 times during this match.  Did they think that got the guy over?  Gorilla finally explained the true evil of Repo Man to His Lordship by suggesting that Repo Man repoed things that should not have been repoed.  Sure, when you put it like THAT.  I dunno, this was one of those matches that was just kinda there.  Not good, not bad, about as good a Darsow match as you’ll see (you know, he even stunk up the ring with Ricky Fucking Steamboat on Rampage 91).  Bret won by reversing an awkward small package out of nowhere, just in case anyone cares.  (Mike)

6) Tag champions The Natural Disasters & High Energy (w/ Frankie) b Money Inc & The Beverlys (w/ Jimmy Hart & Genius) at 9:35 [7/21/92].
Another poem from The Genius:

An eight-man tag is dangerous for everyone but me

That’s why I’m the Genius with the Brothers Beverly

Now Jimmy Hart and IRS and Million-Dollar Man

Shall thwart the competition and incorporate my plan

How the hell is this a grudge match?  Money vs. Disasters?  Sure, they had a feud, but what the hell are the other four guys doing in this match?  Owen and Tenta are Canadians for fuck’s sake, the IRS poses no threat to them.  Maybe it was one of those weird rules where the guys who wore suspenders had to feud with each other (IRS vs. Owen & Koko).  Hey, laugh all you want, it was pretty much the same premise that launched the Bossman-Mountie feud.  Anyway, this turd was the “Fan Favorite” match, meaning that supposedly a fan wrote in and requested this match.  Then again, they have a lot of retarded fans.  Fun opening shmazz saw the Disasters double-avalanched the Bevs, then HE monkey-flipped ‘em out.  The heels took over on Koko with double, triple, and quadruple-team beatings because for some reason, the black guy always got the shit spot in tag matches (ask Virgil).  Lord Al criticized Koko’s suspenders and poofy pants.  I mention this for no reason whatsoever.  Typhoon got the hot tag, but had blown up before Koko’s hand left his.  They all filed in for the eight-guys-in-the-ring shmazz.  Okay, now why the fuck didn’t they do that when poor Koko was getting the bejeezus beat out of him?  Racist pricks.  Blake was designated “gang bang bitch” in this match.  First, Owen & Koko double-dropkicked him, then Typhoon splashed him.  Finally, Quake dropped the butt-splash.  The Disasters then graciously allowed Koko to pin Blake.  Great, not only was he the designated beating bitch of the match, but now he might as well be a Make-A-Wish kid who can’t win matches on his own.  As if this thing wasn’t bad enough, I was then subjected to the sight of the Natural Disassbags doing “The Bird.”  Screw this noise.  (Chris)

7) Kona Crush b “Model” Rick Martel via CO at 7:32 [10/13/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Because Martel lost his last WWF Tag title to Demolition at Wrestlemania IV, and Crush was a member of Demolition at one point, though not at the point they feuded with Martel?  You know, this goddamn tape just may be the most pointless one ever.  Worse than Jake The Snake.  Worse than Brutus The Barber.  Worse than George The Ani –  Okay, maybe not.  Lord Al immediately chastised Crush as “not much of a wrestler.”  I must be losing my mind, because this is the second time I’ve agreed with Lord Al during this tape.Mooney retorted, “You just slam someone about their livelihood and don’t think that they’re gonna take offense to that?”  Gee, Sean, I never thought of it that way.  All these years I’ve been rating the matches on a scale of Von Erichs and insinuating that I would like to be reincarnated as Molly Holly’s bicycle seat.  But I never stopped to think that there were feelings involved.  Dear God, what kind of a human being am I?  Well, no more.  I’m turning over a new leaf right here, right now.  No more sarcasm.  No more snide remarks.  No more urinating upon the efforts of these tremendous gladiators who bust their rear ends night in and night out for we, the fans.  Right, let’s start by reviewing this Coliseum classic with the vigor and verbiage it truly deserves.  The wily veteran Martel flummoxed the mighty orange-clad powerhouse by evilly cartwheeling his way around the ring.  Yet the noble Crush was not having any of these monkeyshines and ROCKED Martel with a ferocious clothesline!  Realizing that the powerful Crush’s power was too powerful for him, that dastardly Martel gained the upper hand by slimily sneaking out of the way as the overzealous Crush crashed into the devastating buckles of turn!  Martel then locked in a devastating rear chinlock on “The Original Hawaiian Punch!”  Agonizing moments pass, with Crush still helpless in the devastating chinlock.  I left the room to get a drink.  They’re still in the damn chinlock.  Aha!  Freedom!  The mighty Crush has powered out of said chinlock!  The valiant Crush grabs the devious Martel, fully ready to exact his righteous revenge!  Crush…locks in a bearhug.  A long bearhug.  Freakin’ Care Bears don’t hug each other this long.  Aw, fuck, who am I kidding?  I can’t do this.  THIS FUCKING MATCH SUCKS MORE FUCKING BALLS THAN A NITRO GIRL WITH CREDIT CARD DEBT!!!!  DAMN YOU, BRIAN ADAMS!  DAMN YOU FOR RUINING MY SALVATION WITH YOUR SHITTY SELLING AND OVERALL LACK OF TALENT!  ALL DEAD VON ERICHS ARE ON YOUR MULLETED HEAD, YOU COCKSPIT!  Great, now we’re all going to hell and it’s all Crush’s fault.  Anyway, lousy match ended when Crush press-slammed Martel and Martel took a powder.  The truly sad fact is that this will not be the last match on the tape to have a countout finish.  (Chris)

8) “Matador” Santana b The Berzerker (w/ Mr. Fuji) by DQ at 7:31 [11/13/91].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Because Santana lost his last WWF Tag title to Demolition at Wrestlemania IV, who were managed by Fuji?  This tape might as well have just been called “Six Degrees Of Demolition.”  Hell, it’s more appropriate than “Grudge Matches.”  Santana taunted Zerker with his cape, which Lord Al suggested would be “daunting to anyone.”  Yeah, I know that a fruity neon pink cape would send be running like a Frenchman IF I HAD A HUMONGOUS FRIGGIN’ SWORD IN MY HAND.  The match was about what you’d expect.  Santana wouldn’t back down despite being overpowered.  I actually had a chuckle at BZ’s interplay with Fuji during this thing.  Santana finally made a comeback by atomic dropping BZ’s crotch on the ropes.  Real heroic, Tito.  You have brought great shame upon the humble village of Tocula.  Boring match ended when Santana went for “El Paso Del Muerte,” but Fuji tripped him with the cane.  The cane hooked around Santana’s ankle, so he then simply picked it up and beat the huss out of Berzerker with it.  Why the hell would anyone hire Fuji as their manager?  (Chris)

9) Shango b Marty Jannetty via CO at 4:43 [11/24/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Did Marty take offense to Shango wrestling in whiteface?  Blah match.  Marty did what he could.  When Jannetty made his comeback, Michaels strolled down to ringside, preening into the camera with his IC belt.  Shawn was the man.  MJ hit Shango with a nice missile dropkick from the top to the floor, then made a beeline for Michaels.  Jannetty gave his ex a Frankensteiner on the floor and punched him in the head several times.  Lord Al and Gorilla’s call of the carnage produced the best comedy of the tape.

Lord Al (indignantly): “Why is he doing that?  Why is Jannetty doing that?

Gorilla: “‘Why is he doing that??’  The guy threw him through a plate glass window!!  What do you expect?!”

Lord Al: “Well, that was a long time ago!  He didn’t have to attack him from behind like that, Gorilla!”

Ya know, I gotta side with Gorilla on this one.  But the important thing is that FINALLY, the grudge match business is about to pick up!  Here we go!  Michaels vs. Jannetty!  A full-blown grudge match with history, heat, and a library of classic matches!  Psyche.  This led to absolutely nothing later on the tape.  Well, except more frustration for those watching it.  (Mike)

Lord Al got a parking ticket.

Special Feature: The Repo Cam.  This was actually the best thing on the tape.  Repo bullied some deadbeat into following him around for a day.  Good, kooky fun.  [Note: This whole segment also aired on Invasion Of The Bodyslammers.]

10) Typhoon b Kamala (w/ Harvey Wippleman & Kim Chee) at 4:38 [11/24/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Is Typhoon a damn dirty racist?  During the intro, Wippleman threatened ring announcer Howard Finkel again, building their awful feud.  Ah, what a difference five years makes.  Back on Best Of The WWF, Volume 12, the first two matches featured Kamala beating Ricky Steamboat and Tito Santana, respectively, in their babyface primes.  Nowadays, ol’ Moonbelly can’t even beat the former Tugboat, future Shockmaster.  And now, back by popular demand, is the complete and total list of every actual wrestling move in this match:

1. Dropkick.

2. Avalanche.  (Does this count?  Ah, what the hell.)

3. Clothesline.

4. Schoolboy.

The first quarter of this match consisted of the lads unsuccessfully trying to bodyslam each other, with Ty throwing in the world’s sloppiest clothesline for good measure.  Gorilla astutely pointed out that ‘Phoon wasn’t really blocking the slam attempt, he was just standing there.  Good call, Geno.  Nothing like alerting your viewers to the fact that one of your wrestlers is DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  The one highspot of the match saw Ty hit a standing dropkick, and for the slightest second, the crowd cared.  Hey, credit where it’s due, that was impressive for a guy of Ty’s size.  Besides, it was one more highspot than I expected to see in this thing.  Kamala took over on Ty for the second and third quarters of the match.  While Ty was taking a beatdown, Lord Al took us right inside the thoughts of the sailing superstar.  “I think Typhoon is trying to decide whether to get to his feet to try and avoid those, or just lay there and maybe hope for some oblivion or something to rescue him.”  Hey kids!  Lord Alfred Hayes wants you to embrace oblivion!  You heard it from His Lordship, death is the ultimate sweet release from your meaningless existence!  Good thing the PTC never picked up on Lord Al’s subliminal messages to the youth.  Anyway, this brought us to the fourth quarter, which was Ty’s comeback.  KC jumped on the apron, Kamala bumbled into him, and Ty mercy-killed the match with something that I guess was supposed to be a schoolboy.  Upset with the loss, KC started shoving around Klutzmala, which appalled Gorilla.  Gorilla finally shoved KC back and chased off Wippleman.  “Never wake a sleeping tiger,” warned Gorilla.  Um, whatever.  This was part of the build to the end of Kamala’s run as the world’s worst heel, and the beginning of his run as the world’s worst babyface.  This gets upgraded from a (Chris) for being less than five minutes, actually having a highspot, and not having a lot of pesky wrestling holds, which made it a lot easier to review.  I appreciate it, guys.  At least Typhoon didn’t do The Bird after this one.  (Mike)

11) IRS vs. Virgil was next [1/8/92].  How the hell is this a grudge match?  Well, Virgil used to feud with DiBiase, who is the tag partner of IRS.  Also, “Virgil” was the name of the booker who saddled Rotunda with the “Captain Mike” gimmick.  Not that an evil taxman gimmick is that much better, but still, you can’t blame the guy for wanting some vicarious revenge.  Irwin’s pre-match heel spiel said, “I know why you people support Virgil!”  I immediately yelled “Because he’s on welfare!”  Okay, now I’m just being a prick (TM Sean Carless).  Okay, this match opened with – Aw, fuck it.  I can’t do this anymore.  I give up.  No more.  Tap out.  I sat through George.  I sat through Jake.  But dammit, a man has his limits! 

Ah hell, I can’t lie to you guys.  I got a copy of this video that cut off 90 seconds into this match.  Um, I guess that’s a wrap.

Overall over-analysis: You may ask, “Harry, how can you grade this tape if you didn’t even see the full thing?”  My reply to that is, “Go fuck yourself.”  You heard me.  TWO Papa Shango matches.  TWO Typhoon matches.  They didn’t even overlap (not that that part’s necessarily a bad thing, but still).  And the thing that really scalds my dogs, TWO Tito Santana matches where not only was he doing that stupid matador gimmick, but the guy didn’t even go over clean in either match (yet Typhoon was 2-0-0).  Now compare that to my beloved GM86 video, where Santana was the star among stars.  This sequel was just plain offensive.  Worse than Psycho III.  Worse than Police Academy 2-7.  Hell, this was Blues Brothers 2000, baby.  The lousy matches, the screwjob finishes, and oh yeah, THE COMPLETE AND UTTER LACK OF GRUDGE MATCHES!  My sources tell me that this video is also marketed overseas as WWF Inside The Steel Cage II.  Tell you what, if anyone actually has the testicular fortitude to sit through this, feel free to let me know how it turned out.  Accurate results preferred, but not necessary.  The only rule is that you MUST use my Von Erich scale to rate the remaining matches.  Go brush up on it HERE  then send your best efforts HERE. Kindly put “GM93 review” in the subject line.  Check back in a few weeks, and the best ones will be posted here.  Until then…

Grade: F

-HS-

Special thanks to the world’s sexiest latina, Cara, for her help with my research into El Matador’s finisher.  I’m serious.

Match dates courtesy of www.prowrestlinghistory.com

*****