While it has come to my attention by no one in particular that I am perhaps overstepping my bounds with regard to nonsensical jibbering and copious capitalization of a rather cynical nature in an attempt for satirical anger, I have little intention of letting it interfere with my ulterior purpose behind the greater "violence" of my words.

James Swift, I called you out. Answer my callout and fight me, or be a little bitch.

Since he did not acknowledge me at all in his recent Rocktagonal column, I'll replace all my nonexistent commercial thoughts with "Reasons Jim Swift is a Bitch", in the hopes that I will prod his prostate and/or ego sufficiently to provoke a vulgar response from the horse's ass.

TNA TIME START~! I didn't watch it on TV last night because I discovered I hated doing it. So I tried to Youtube and OH MY GOD it seems like there's a huge mess of botched uploads, many missing sound and such.

So in this starts, Mick Foley comes out with a slightly bearded Earl Hebner, his Morbidly Obese Squad of Security, and a few morbidly obese clowns for some reason. Also for some reason, the video clips out to a CNN newscast for about a half-second. That was definitely the highlight of these first five minutes.

Mick Foley says he's regained his smile (from his pants) and calls out AJ Smiles and Samoan Taz.

First AJles comes, then Samoan Joe. And again with the Taz towel. Then out comes Kurt Angle, called out by Foley, and called TNA's second greatest acquisition. TNA fans chant "Angle sucks!" with his music a-melodically. That means awkward and completely not melodically with his music.

Speaking of awkward, did anyone watch RAW on Monday? I watched about a total of two or three minutes of it. Highlights include: Randy Orton dribbling like a cretin missing several chromosomes, then getting hass-anded to him by John Cena, then him winning the WWE Championship in a clusterfuckery match, then a replay of Donald Trump buying Raw Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

That was my experience.

Now Jeff Jarrett comes out. Speaking of which the episode's name is "Welcome Back, Jeffrey!" Jeff Jarrett has something to say: "Hayave yew absolutely lawst yer freekin' mahnd?"

Mick Foley has huge confetti pyrotechnics shoot to celebrate Jeff Jarrett's return from last week! It's so beautiful, man. Mick Foley talks about peace, love, and understanding, then proceeds to talk about acts of violence, particularly booking a main event, in which wrestling will occur. That is quite peaceful. Samoan Joe and AJ Smiles will team up against two people and their problems. Handy Capable match? Stink and Angel. They have problems, too.

Foley says it sounds TREMENDOUS, but then says it's a three-way tag team dance. lolwut? Oh I see now, he's going to add another team: Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. BANG BANG! HAVE A NICE DAY! OWWWWWWWW HAVE MERCAAAY! Except he didn't say any of that. That sucked.

Foley offers them to put their hands into a circle and go 1-2-3 TEAM! No one is a team player? Aw what an asshole Jarrett is, leaving the ring. Kurtle does it! You say you're better than Kurtle? You bleached sack of shit. Fuck Jarrett. Asshole. Samoa Joe asses it up again by throwing his fat fist in Kurt Angle's face. Fatty fat fat fat.

SUDDENLY WE'RE BACKSTAGE! Jay Bee is with the Nu-Trench Coat Mafia, with Dr Stevie, the woman, and Raven sitting all Virginia Tech-y. Daffney talks, with face makeup literally fully white, and huge black circles over her eyes and black lipstick. It's far more distracting than any other thing she says. Sorry if you were expecting some kind of "recap". She also proceeds to reference "Natural Born Killers" by mentioning Micky and Mallory Knox. Raven starts mentioning Jethro Holiday for some reason, mentioning that a "Clockwork Orange Fun Match" is anything but fun. That makes sensenot.

Raven can smell and taste Chris Abyss. Ew. Raven channels a bit of Kane (C&C) in his speaking nature, but his message is too generic "I'm a bad guy, boo!" to be of any worth. He says they have addictions to sadism and masochism. He then says the only way to get over addictions is to get clean, go to jail, or die. So Raven is checking Chris and he into an addiction clinic. That will make a hell of a match at the next PPV.

James Swift is a Pussy: Fucker is a mark for ECW. He's so gushy and lovey towards ECW that I almost get diabetes just reading through his man-love to ECW and Paul Heyman. You pansy.

Video package for Shane Douglas and Christopher Daniels feud. I think he kayfabe fails to see the fact that his situation is entirely different from Daniels Daniels in that Daniels was randomly fired, whereas Shane Douglas left of his own volition like a whiny bitch.

Some kind of match, I guess, with the announcer calling him "Danhuls". Amazing Red doesn't even get a jobber entrance. He gets nothing.

Children, it appears as if I will have to start recapping TNA LIVE because it seems there is a crackith down on TNA on the Youtubes, and the sound is being ripped out of all the videos half-way through.

On a totally related note, wouldn't it be funny if one day I accidentally recapped WWE Superstars instead of iMPACT! and submitted it anyway? I know I would.

I'll be back soon after having downloaded the episode from a forums.

Daniels vs Red

They start out happy-dappy ROH-y "let's slap hands" before starting. Then a headlock by Danielssan on Redsan, slams him down, Red does flippy-dippy, includiong an armdrag, then reverses something into a dorpkick, then does a flying spinny-doo onto the outside. It LOOKED good, but he moved so slowly, it was hard to believe it could work very well.

Daniels back in, Red kicks him up, then Daniels catches him with a clothesline. Daniels then kicks him when he gets up, pins but loses. I mean loses a 3 count. Because he didn't get a 3 count. That's what he tried to do, but he didn't get it, so it's a loss, see?

Daniels gets in turnbuckle with Rod, but Red reverses, and starts kicking him again. Does a variety of different kicks, from the dorpping variety to the spinny backwards variety, then a hurricanrana off the top rope onto Daniels Daniels. Then a weird-ass move where it looked like Daniels slammed his ass down, but was apparently a screwy-looking DDT. Failburu.

Daniels reverses an irish whip, and catches him in an Undertaker's hometown driver, then an extreme bowel movement for the win. But not for his pants.

WINNAR: Christopher.

ZOMFG Shane Douglas is on screen in a clearly pre-taped thingy. He accepts Daniels Daniels' Slammiversary challenge, then offers up the worst threatening catchphrase ever in "This sunday, you will get... hahahaa... franchised."

Backstage now with Lauren and T..Taylor Wilde? I think it's her. But what is she doing standing near Awesome Kung and Cheerleader Arabia? I thought they were feuding for the past half a year or so. lolwut? Kong speaks in what I presume is supposed to be a Japanese accent, saying "Monsta will kill princess first, then monsta will kill monsta last".

James Swift is a Bitch: He dares to post UFC recaps on a wrestling site! What's that? Prefectly allowable comparative sports involving violence and competition sharing a spot on a similarly themed website? NOT IN THE ASS PIT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING CUNT-SOAKED BACK-DOOR-HAVING-YARD!

TNA's resident sperm dumpster is already in the ring and calls out Sting. Sting comes out, and Morgan starts talking fast, clearly wanting to join the MEMers. His argument is that he's 7 feet, 300 pounds, without an ounce of fat, and Sting is.... yeah. Just "And YOU?!" Clearly implying Sting is old and fat. Why you no good son of a fuck!

Morgan says they said he couldn't join the Mafior without being a champion, then SHOOTS by saying "How am I supposed to be a world champion without anyone to give me the opportunity to be a world champion?" Implying that somehow there are people backstage who just write shit like "Okay, now YOU will be champion for five months, then YOU for a month, then YOU for the next three months"? What is he, stupid? That's absolutely crazy! Haha, STOP SHOOTING MATT MORGAN!

Morgan says Sting don't respect himself or the Mafia, because they don't let Morgan in. This reminds me of a debate I had on the Youtubes with the idiots who are all like "SHOW US YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, OBAMA!" And I show them the short-form copy and they're all like "THAT DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING" even though it proves taht there is a real certificate, but they don't allow just anyone to pull it out, so they give the short-form, but they're still all "BLAH BLAH HE'S A CHOCOLATE MUSLIM WHO WILL KILL AMERICA" or some shit. And it's all a conspiracy from the very beginning because the NEW WORLD ORDER was behind it all, and even had Obama's grandparents put a notice of birth in the local newspapers on the DAY OF HIS BIRTH BACK IN 1961 in Hawaii.

The New World Order is behind it. Someone, round up Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall, before they take over the world governments. It would also make TNA a whole lot more watchable.

And there, I tie my pseudo-job recapping TNA with conspiracy theories, 2012 Mayans Illuminati Freemasons Skull and Bones New World Order Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

Oh yeah, and Morgan said he was better than Sting, challenged Sting to a match at Slammiversary, Sting threatened to eat his finger, then said he'd give Morgan his spot in the Mafior if he beat Sting, then Sting tossed his ass out of the ring when he tried to run at him. Way to secure a surefire loss, Morgan. Fag. And stop cumming backstage.

James Swift is a Bitch: He whines and bitches about the HORRORS of his everyday life. Like HE'S so goddamn special because he's got his own column n shit! You don't see ME complaining about MY life... every day! You don't see ME complaining about MY life without making it funny or sarcastic or... Shut up! You're a bitch, Swift.

Jeff Jarrett and Jay Bee backstage. I don't know why. Jay Bee then tells Jarrett all the things Foley did to him last week and this week, including writing notes. What the fuck? Jarrett and Foley will tag up tonight in a match!

Jarrett comes up with the most bullshit excuse for not firing Foley, saying he has too much compassion for someone as crazy as Foley. Yeah, I, governor of California, feel sorry for Charles Manson, too, being as "crazy" as he is, I think I'll just let him out of jail.

I put "crazy" in quotations because neither Foley nor Manson are crazy.

Not Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange Match Jethro Holiday vs Raven

Jethro Tull comes at him on the ramp and hits Raven a bunch with a trash can, until they are both in the ring. This is what I get for looking away to smack my dog around---I completely missed that random sides of the ring are covered in cage walls, with weapons on them. SHUT UP I've never seen any TNA Raven matches except from Lockdown 2005 and Breaking Point. Jethro Murdoch hits Raven with trash can lid, then goes for another weapon ONLY TO GET smacked by Stevie Richards on the outside with a Kendu stick. Raven chases him out to the outside, does a Russian leg sweep to him onto the guardrail, which looked fun. Now some cane hits. Onto the head now, and I swear I saw some wood break off. "Slick Johnson" is our referee. They fight a little, but I missed it. Raven sat on a chair, now he's stuck between the cage wall and the ropes as Murdoch brings him in and starts slowly beating on him. Like no one is for Jethro Murdoch despite him being the... face? Definitely not the heel. He gets thrown through the cage wall, which crashed out onto the outside, and Raven pins for the win. POW, RIGHTINA KISSA! WINNAR: The Raven

Daffy comes out to put a straitjacket on Trevor Murdoch. Hey, remember when he gave Lauren swine flu? That was great. Best TNA promo ever. ZOMG Here comes Chris Abyss to rescue his fellow fat white piece of shit.

James Swift is a Bitch: I'm running out of shit to say, so I'll just make shit up. Swift, your ECW tenure sucked! You didn't recap ANYTHING! You just made up stories about how old ECW was the best thing ever and recapping NewCW was like watching your kind-of friend skin your other best friend's face and wear it while raping you in your pee-hole and laugh all into the night.

Promo with Don West making JOURNALISM HISTORY in his awesome interview with Samoa Joe, which consists of him asking generic questions and Joe being awesome while ominous music plays in the background.

Then the Beautiful People walk around backstage, with Angelina Love saying how she doesn't trust these biotches as far as she can throw them in her tag team match. One of them asks Kong or Taylor, and she says she's talking about her partners; ie, them. Mystic prediction time: The Beautiful People will break up.

Another backstage with Lauren asking Chris Abyss about the mixed bashy-boo match with Daffy and Taylor vs Chris and Raven. Chris steals Mankind and starts squealing all Mankind-y. Holy shit, when he screams, he sounds almost exactly like Chris Farley! Fat jokes abound. He unravels a bandage around Lauren's arm, revealing a huge bruise, and he says when they do stuff like that to her.... and I quote.... "IT MAKES ME WANNA CRYYYYYYYYYYY!" Badass, muthafucka.

Also, when he was a kid, his mother taught him a double-negative, "don't never hit girls", so Chris began assaulting women for the rest of his life. Or something completely different. My version is a better visual.

Daffney's music sounds like a genericized version of a generic version of a Marilyn Manson song.

Daffney and Angelina Love vs Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong

This just isn't working out. I mean, they book Kong like she's the Great Khali and Yokozuna and the Undertaker all in one, and none of the Knockouts can ever do shit to her. It's fucking ridiculous. Daffney gets shoved with as much power as Hogan shoving Shawn Michaels. Taylor Wilde comes back in to wrassle with her.

Daffney gets in, beats her ass up, then tags in Love, they team up and do double irish-whip crush on the turnbuckle. Love superkicks Wilde, then pins for two. Angelina is tagged in and kicks the shit out of Taylor, then starts punching her weakly. Miss a clothesline, they do a double thingy and they both die. I think I mentioned one or two of those twice. Taylor tags in Kung, while The Horrible People spray Arab Melissa with hairspray, and Kung fails to bomb Love, but ends up Implant Bustering Daffney instead. For the win.

WINNARL Awesome Kong and Taylor Wilde

Somehow the Horrible People are double teaming and killing Kong, and do a droptoe thing to her on the chair. Random Tara Attack and she punches up them in such a weak-ass way. They run away and suddenly it's TARA AND KONG FACING OFF! But since they play her music, it's clear they ain't gonna fight and this is done.

Backstage with The Dudley Boys, who are going to Japan to likely lose those tiny belts of theirs (see, because Japanese people are so tiny), then go to Slammiversary to lose their bigger titles to Beer Money. I forgot what the promo consisted of.

James Swift is a Bitch: I can't think of anything else to say. Stop being a bitch and face me.

Video package for Cory Deaner being a redneck and finally catching a dress. I wonder why they're doing this.

THEN... backstage. So Cal Val is interviewing Lethal Consequences and Murder Guns, and Jay Lethal keeps jabbering wildly all Macho Man-y. She and Jay fight, because she picked the Indian who got subsequently fired rather than the guy with actual staying power in TNA. He continually interrupts the interview. Val tells him to put underwear on.

James Swift is a Bitch.

Back again and So Cal Val with Beer Money who have become heels again. Brother Devon arrives with Buh Buh Ray and confronts them, wondering where Beer Money have been. James Storm claims they've been buying beer, whiskey, and midgets. Devon is never happy, he says. Oh snapsz! James Storm said that next time they'll come back and be Beer Money's bitches. Then Team 3D come back and killshit them.

That was quite hilarious, at least to me! I mean, really, did you really expect Beer Money would try not to take said money that they gave to them as a gift? I mean, it's not like they STOLE it, nor is it like the tag team championships aren't on the line! For some odd reason, it seems the contrary would have applied what for if not the intenser part involving said statements beforehand, that just because they "respected" each other, that somehow they're not supposed to be hostile to one another.

This isn't fucking Ring of Honor! As much as I love ROH wrestling, that whole "Code of Honor" thing was such a dumb and awkward-ass thing.

Speaking of which, I think Consequences Lethal's entrance music is great. And amazing. And I really should watch more TNA wrestling on TV instead of drooling over how awesome and awful the backstage bullshit and such is. But it's just so awesomely awful~!

That "~!" was totally accidental, by the way.

Lethal Consequenzes and Motor City Machine Guns vs Team Dudley Boys ----

Uh oh, Buh Buh Ray comes out beating up on Robert Rude, and then Devon tosses James Storm out. I doubt this will be an eight man clustershmizz match, as it's revealed Bear Money and Team D were supposed to tag. Bear Money gain the advantage and killshit 23D, only for Lethal Consequenzes to jump on them outside and killshit them.

ZOMG Suicide arrives and killshits Sabin, then does his weak-ass rolly-dorp thing on Robot Shelley. Devon rolls Lethal in, and apparently match has started.

---- and Beer Money

Devon and Buh Buh get in, double team Consewquenzes, then back body dorp Jay Lethal, then 3D Robot Shelley, pin and win.

WINNARS: Team #D and Bare Money

Backstage now with So Cal Val with AJ Styles and Taz. AJ delivers generic "Competition" promo. Taz is called Joe, for some reason. Oh wait, it IS Joe. He pulls off the Taz towel, then talks to AJ about how he's sorry and he has AJ's back and all.

James Storm is a Bitch: Why won't you answer me, HUH? You think you're better than me? Remember that time I e-mailed you the answer to Lance Storm's entrance music in ECW? I love Rob Zombie! I love White Zombie, too! You're a bitch, is why. Bitch.

Back in the back with Foley hiring some random old guy who looks kind of like an old, unmuscled Goldberg as his head of security, because the morbidly obese security guards standing a few feet away apparently aren't good enough for him.

Jay Bee asks what the hottest thing on the internet right now. Porn! Pirating! 2 girls 1 cup! Faces of Death! Anything but TNA wrestling! Foley suggests Trina Michaels videos. Jay Bee says the Tweety Bird, the Myfaces, etcetera. Then he mentions Foley's nipple tweaks, and his own tweets.

OH MY GOD THAT'S SICK! OH MY GOD THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY! It's some kind of caricature drawing of Mick Foley and Jeremy Borast with ugly deformed heads and such. THe Mick Foley looks like Ron Jeremy. Kip James is apparently the new maintenance man. His big time TV spot job? Removing AJ Styles' picture from the wall and replacing it with the caricature. OH YEAH! I'M AN ASS MAN! DIN DIN! YEAH I'M AN ASS MAAAAN! DIN DIN! YEAAAH! Total Nonstop ACTION.

Speaking of totally nonstop action, here's Jeremy's Ass with Kurt Angle backstage in ANOTHER talking segment. Angle talks SERIOUS TIME all calm-like, calm cool collected about facing Joseph. But he guarantees that the men Joe killed are gonna be in Detroit Rock City. And he's gonna kick Joseph directly into his big fat little kiester, yah, uh huh.

Match time and everyone comes out with their long entrances and such. Fun fact! This commercial-free download of the 2 hour episode of TNA iMPACT is 1 hour and 22 minutes and 2 seconds long.

Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett vs Sting and Kurt Angle vs Samoan Joe and Styles

Another good thing about having it on AVI is that I get to go back when I miss the opening parts of the match to do a google search on Daffney. She looks older in the photos on her TNA photogallery, but she looks a lot more muscular, wearing a chainmail bikini-top thing.

Foley and Sting start with the traditional WRESTLING LOCKUP. Then a TRADITIONAL PUNCH. By Foley on Sting. Happy Hannukah. More lockups on the turnbuckle. They fight. Bulldog on Foley. Foley gets arm wrenched by Sting. Tag in Angle. Angle slows down, stands and lets Foley recover, then they lockup and Angle takes command. Lead. Control. But Foley armwrenches him and does an armbreaker.

Jarrett gets tagged in, elbows on Angle's arm. Tags Foley back in. Foley punches Angle's side, now gets him int he turnbuckle. Foley runs at him, but Angle moves and Foley hits the turnbuckle, now Angle is stomping on him and kicking and such and Foley is clinging to the ropes.

Kurt tries to hit AJ and Samoa, but they dodge, and Angle gets clotheslined. Now Jarrett gets tagged in and starts fighting with Angle. Goes for an inverted Russian leg sweep but fails and Angle gets in ankle lock but Jarrett reverses and Angle tries to do an Olympic Slam but Jarrett stops that shit cold. Foley comes to the announcer's table to say what a great and reliable partner Jarrett is. This is great, because he's obviously wasting time while Jarrett gets shitkicked.

James Storm is a Bitch: Bitch-ass bitch ass bandit of bitches. You a bitch. You are a bitch. You were a bitch. YOu will be a bitch. Or will you? Who knows. You do. Bitch.

Back, and Jarrett is in an ankle lock now, while Foley complains that Slippery Penis is telling him to get in the ring. Foley is about to, but sits back down when Jarrett escapes. Foley finally comes, but Jarrett gets up and kicks Angle away anyway. Jarrett tags in Samoan Joseph, who killshits Sting, then goes for a bomb thing, bombing Kurt onto Sting.

Foley ends up back at the announcer's table, and Jarrett comes ANGRY and beats up Foley. The Morbidly Obese security guards get put away literally by mere punches. Jarrett then does a weak-ass chairshot onto Foley and each of the morbidly obese security guards.

Samoa Joe gets a muscle buster on Kurtle for the win.

WINNARS: Samoan Joseph and AJ Style

That match was a lot shorter than my play-by-play did justice for, which should have been none because it deserved none.

What part wasn't bad: Opening match with Daniels Daniels and Red. Six matches this week, compared to the usual 0-4? What a feast!

What part wasn't good: I seem to be giving up on caring about a lot of the storylines. They just seem to be evolving faster than Pokemon. Not even a mention of Eric Young this week means that that "feud" is forgotten and dead to me. The Beautiful People are inexplicably headed towards breakup why? No real reason. Raven's promo had great delivery, but the content was the same old shit of "I'm crazy, you're crazy, I like pain". Chris Abyss completely stealing Mankind's gimmick for his promo.

What part was apathetic: Stuff n junk

Now I deliver my final call-out to James Storm; come out, coward! Let me knock your ass up and win! In a contest of "I'm better than you are at everything, especially sex and violence" whereas you continue to ignore me! Am I the Eric Bischoff to your Vince McMahon? That would make sense if you worked as hard as McMahon! Oh, bitchass. BITCH ASS! Your rear end is rather related to a canine of the female persuasion! What do you say to THAT, bugnuts?

THE END. OR IS IT?