WWE RAW RANT: (07/02/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
“I killed MY whole family with a BROKEN FREAKIN’ NECK.”
I’m pretty sure TNA
sandwiched those comments somewhere between a Voltron reference and some horrible plot contrived gimmick match. But anyway,
we’re here, and I apparently have to actually get back to work or something. I mean CHRIST. I finally get a break and
now suddenly they just expect me to not be a lazy bastard.
Raw 07.02.07
Our
big push tonight is Cena having overcome the odds at Vengeance. Cena really should gamble more at this rate, he’d break
the fucking house.
Show opens with a recap of Vengeance main event. The sound on this segment sounds like it was spoken
into a fucking toilet paper roll, it’s that bad. The show properly opens with theme and pyro and here is Mr. Kennedy.
There’s this horrible sound echo still for some reason.
Kennedy complains he never got to cash in his Money in
the Bank saying that the people placed a lot of stress and pressure on him, causing him to compete when he wasn’t ready
(but at least everyone survived it). He says his actions from now on will serve himself only and he will be the next WWE Champion.
Cena comes in to call Kennedy the new guy and eventually announces him as Mr. Cameltoe with the biggest shit-eating grin I
have ever seen. This actually manages to start a fucking CAMELTOE CHANT. Cena says the rumor has it that Kennedy likes to
talk a lot and he’s a big mouth. Cena points out we’re on Monday Night Raw for the second time in case you forgot
and thought you were watching Law and Order still. Cena puts Kennedy’s word to the test tonight. Cena says that according
to him and the fans, Ken’s (where is Barbie?) word is worthless.
Booker T finally interrupts during the stare
down (Cena blinked first). Booker says he’s the only one royal enough to challenge since he’s never lost to Cena
one on one and even made him kiss his feet. Cena tells him to kiss his championship ass. Booker officially challenges and
Orton cuts in as soon as he pulls the needle out of his fucking arm. Randy rambles on but all I’m hearing is “BLAH
BLAH BLAH I still have the same inflection in my voice I always do! If I drag out the ends of words I sound more serious BLAH
BLAH….” Eventually Lashley interrupts. Bobby says he’s the only former champ in here who has never lost
his title, he was simply stripped of it. He says he will not rest, he will not SLEEP FOR AN INSTANT, until the one nostril
led bandit is brought to justice, er I mean, until Cena loses to him. Suddenly, William Regal’s music hits and nobody
seems to care.
Regal says Coach is on holiday and he’s in charge. AWESOME. Is it just me or is Regal’s
hair swelling?
Old Willie says there will be a beat the clock challenge for all the contenders to see who signs the
contract at the end of the night to compete for the WWE title at the Great American Bash. Regal calls Orton Sunshine and tells
him his match is next as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Baseball is for chumps.
Back to the
show where the screen errors and we have the Raw logo floating in midair for a second. We can hear JR before we see Orton,
but the logo continues to float for a bit. Randy is set to face Jeff Hardy.
Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy
Orton
obviously goes for speed with a fucking headlock. Hardy tries a rollup and gets two before Orton throws him to the floor then
back in again for two. Hardy sends Orton to the floor and dives through the ropes with a dropkick. He proceeds to suicide
dive and toss Orton back in for two. Jeff stomps on Orton and dodges in the corner only to run into a clothesline which gets
double two counts for Hardy. Orton follows with a leg drop for two again and then does some sort fo body scissors/arm bar.
Amazingly it is not a headlock at all. Hardy fights out to chants. Orton switches to a bear hug. Orton keeps hitting scoop
slams and pinning for two three times in a row like that ever beat ANYONE. JR goes on about Orton’s legs like a prepubescent
school girl.
A body scissors gets a two count. I went to the bathroom and came back and this hold was still going
on. Hardy escapes and hit’s a crazy neck breaker for two, following with the mule kick and the slingshot dropkick to
the sternum for another two. Its been six minutes now. Facebuster suplex sets up for Hardy to go up top. Orton rolls to the
apron so Hardy grabs him only to be hung up. Orton pins for two. Whisper in the Wind gets two for Hardy. Jeff goes for the
Twist of Fate but Orton spins out of it into the RKO at 7:06.
Winner: Orton
In the back, w see Melina and Maria
on their way to the ring. Before we go to commercial they run the “Don’t try this at home” segment, re-cut
to no longer include [NO DATA FOUND]’s neck injury.
Random Commercial Thought: Our penguins at the zoo look like
they have a disease.
Back to the show where they replay Candice defeating Melina for the title. Speaking of which,
she comes out to absolutely no reaction what so ever. She also seems to be trying out the Madonna look in outfit choices tonight.
She’s joining the announcers at ringside while Melina comes out sporting her new Bride of Frankenstein look. Maria trots
out and keeping with my description of the horrible outfits: DAMN.
Melina vs. Maria
Maria jumps on Melina for
trash talking and Melina beats her off, doing a spinning throw with the legs, but Maria just kinda falls right in front of
her. Melina botches a kick to the stomach and Maria kinda flails around in the ring. You know, I’m like, not even paying
a bit of attention to this. I think Maria did some kind of crappy standing bulldog before tossing Melina to the turnbuckles
and punching her some. Melina slips out and drops Maria into a snake eyes before Melina finishes with the “Legs Wide
Shut” as I’d like to call it.
Winner: Melina
Melina and Candice have a stare down at ring side. Then
Candice gets pushed over the ring wall and they fight at ringside with Melina getting slung into the wall. Candice celebrates
on the announcer’s table with her belt as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: As I am typing this,
my sister is sitting here as if I’m not working, crying a pity story at the top of her lungs into her cell phone. Oh
yay.
Back to the show where they run a segment about Triple H recovering from his injury last year. It’s the
same one they ran quite a long time ago with more graphic surgery footage this time. In the back, Dusty Rhodes is introducing
Cody to Hacksaw Jim Duggan and then Orton comes over and demands to be introduced. He says Cody will be better than Dusty
one day just like he is better than his father. He calls himself a Legend (blank) saying they know the rest. Cody tells Orton
to lay off his dad. Dusty says Orton is disrespectful. Orton slaps Dusty like a girl. Dusty has to hold Cody back who’s
name I wouldn’t even know if I hadn’t read the info on his house show appearance.
E announcers replay Santino’s
win for the IC belt followed by how he got squished by Umaga last time.
In the back, Maria is consoled by Santino and
she begs him not to challenge Umaga since he doesn’t get another rematch. Santino says he must prove he can beat Umaga
and deserves to be IC champ. He then gives Maria a kiss. Shortly thereafter someone shoots Maria in the head and sinks her
body to the bottom of the nearest lake.
Random Commercial Thought: RIP THINGS IN HALF.
Back to the show. Umaga
is out and at least he seems to have taken his grill out (poor George Foreman). Santino is out afterward, I gotta wonder what
is with the gay jogging jacket. He has Icarus on his arm. Fuck you Led Zepplin!
Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella
vs. Umaga (Intercontinental Title Match)
Santino attacks fast and grabs the waist, but Umaga throws him off with pure
fat. Sainto’s usual kicks don’t do much before Umaga grabs hi on the third one. Santino rolls out of the way of
a head butts and dropkicks Umaga to the floor. Umaga grabs his head behind him through the ropes and tosses Santino into the
table. Umaga rams him into the ring post, grinding his face in. Back in the ring, Santino gets put in a nerve hold. He tries
to get the advantage by dodging a corner charge. Santino comes off the top ropes into a Samoan Drop. Umaga adds injury to
um…injury with an Ass Crash. Umaga finishes with the Spike for the win.
Winner: Umaga
Random Commercial
Thought: Adam Sandler at the King of QUEENS in a gay movie? Gold.
Back to the show. King threatens to hit JR with a
Samoan Spike. Replay of Orton winning. It’s a good thing the clock doesn’t count Booker’s fucking entrance,
since he’d already be over the time by now. Sharmell gets slightly prettier every time I see her. It’s like they’ve
been slowly carving off her excess facial parts and adding them to her boobs. Booker’s opponent is Val Venis who I didn’t
even know still had a job. Orton got Hardy and Booker gets VAL?! That’s like one guy having to face Muhammad Ali and
the other facing Glass Joe.
Val Venis vs. King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell
They trade blows and Booker scores two
with an inside cradle. Booker pins after a super kick for another two before laying in with the forearms and chops. Why does
Booker always pause after the chop like he just had a brilliant idea, or a brain fart? Val Venis hit’s a back body drop,
but as he tries to build momentum, he’s shut down with a clothesline for two. Venis eats ring post with his shoulder.
Booker starts work the chest with kicks and rolls into an arm bar but Val makes the ropes with his foot. The King chokes Val
out on the ropes. Booker suplexes and pins for two. Booker still has four minutes. Val tries to rally with punches and a reverse
elbow says no, getting another two. Booker misses the hook kick and Venis counters a back body drop with a kick. Harlem Side
Kick misses and Val hit’s a clothesline. Val goes to a neck breaker and pins for two of his own with three minutes remaining.
Val runs into a knee to the chest, but Booker walks right back into a boot to the face. Booker hit’s a reverse kick
to the gut and the scissors kick though to win it.
Winner: Booker at 4:30
Sharmell announces the King as the new
WWE Champion. In the back, Super Crazy is talking to Kennedy and wearing a fucking Poncho. Kennedy tries to explain the rules
of Beat the Clock saying they will be wrestling each other. Kennedy asks him to save himself the pain and humiliation asking
Crazy to lay down for him instead. He says he’ll slide him a few pesos for it. (The 1 Million (800 American Dollars)
Peso Man!). He seems to agree but makes an odd face after Kennedy leaves and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: How the hell do you segue Son of Sam into the Yankees?
Back to the show. Crazy runs out after Kennedy and
they dance around making a big show of it before Crazy has to be told to stop. Kennedy grabs a microphone but the time has
started. Kennedy tells him never to disrespect him again. He then goes to introduce himself and Crazy rolls him up for three.
Well.
That was special. We get a breakdown of the upcoming Raw locations all of which are conveniently very far away from Atlanta
and Edmonton.
Random Commercial Thought: Transformers. All the Decepticons look like the same fucking robot.
Back
to the show. They recap what happened to Kennedy. Sharmell and Booker are talking to Shelton Benjamin who will be taking on
Lashley. Booker tells Shelton he doesn’t need to beat him, but if Shelton can last long enough to run the clock, he
says Shelton will get the first title shot against Booker T. Shelton stoops so low as to kissing the ring on Booker’s
hand who has a seemingly orgasmic shudder afterward. Sharmell and Booker have a kinky make out before we go to Dusty and Tard.
Dusty says he wants Randy in the ring next week. His face looks like he opened the fucking Arc of the Covenant. Carlito is
in the back bitching to Jillian. Carlito doesn’t want to face Sandman tonight saying he just met him last week (holy
shit, they deleted an entire week from existence now). Sandman shows up and opens a beer which spills on Carlito, saying he
loves to fight (Finlay is suing). Carlito says his own name and that he’s cool, spitting an apple. Sandman retaliates
with spitting beer. Once Carlito stops writhing around like he’s been doused with holy water, he finds Ron Simmons there
to give a word of wisdom and it’s off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Marvel’s Video Game Plan
- “We have a new movie but we forgot to plan a game! Um….just remake X-men Legends again.”
Back to
the show where Carlito is in the ring. Sandman arrives through the crowd, stopping for two beers along the way while he walks
the railing.
Sandman vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Both men tie up and Sandman looks way out of place doing a
tie up at all. Sandman has to be pushed off and they tie up again. This time, Sandman is forced to the corner. Sandman eats
a fist in his face and Carlito starts laying in. Carlito tosses Sandman to the mat and pins for two, going to a chinlock (take
a shot).Carlito eventually grabs the Shinai and Sandman snatches it from him, smashing Carlito in the head.
Winner: Carlito
In
the back, Lashley is on his way.
Random Commercial Thought: Why does Lunesta have these psychopathic butterflies running
around putting people to sleep? Have you ever seen any of those people wake up again? No!
Lashley is out. Shelton
is out next and the match is one.
Bobby Lashley vs. Shelton Benjamin
Both men wriggle around like fish. Lashley
manages to push Shelton to the match twice for no count. Shelton slides to the floor to milk the count while the ref holds
Bobby back which happens ALL the time. Shelton gets the shit punched out of him and Shelton slides through his legs only to
get a belly to belly. Lashley goes for a spear but Shelton jumps over the ropes to the floor to milk the count more. Lashley
goes to the floor and chases Shelton around, but Shelton catches him off guard. Lashley tries for a back drop that Shelton
counters into a sick DDT for two. Bobby recovers and starts clothes lining Shelton, hitting a Canadian Gutbuster. Shelton
kicks out at two. Benjamin takes Lashley down for two himself and deciding he has this one in the bag, he goes up top. Leaping
off into some kind of fucking ballerina spin, Lashley spears him in midair for three.
Winner: Lashley at 4:05
We
see Cena on his way to the ring for the signing as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I spaced out, but
I’m pretty sure it involved aliens and alcohol.
Back to the show where we get a video package for Triple H COMING
SOON (TO AN EMPTY HOUSE SHOW NEAR YOU). Regal is in the ring announcing Bobby Lashley and Cena. Cena says he hopes it will
be a great match and signs before Lashley says it makes two of them. He signs and Kennedy comes out with Booker T. Kennedy
says this is a farce. Cena tells them to shut up. Cena speaks for Bobby (because seriously, no one wants to hear him), inviting
them to come get some. Cena and Lashley fight off the heels. Lashley then spears Cena. Cena writhes in pain as Lashley celebrates
and the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Jeff/Orton was better than I expected so I guess that was something,
but overall it was a half-assed show.
Lowlight of the Night: Kennedy jobs to Super Crazy? Is there ANY legitimate excuse
for that? I know he can’t wrestle right now, but ANYTHING else would have been fine.
Eugene Award: Vince suddenly
disappears again, leaving Coach in charge….who suddenly disappears and just randomly leaves Regal in charge?
Go ahead….watch it. You know you want to you curious bastards. Tonight’s show is supposed to feature King Booker and Kennedy vs. Cena and Bobby Lashley, despite the fact that one half of those men aren’t supposed to be able to wrestle tonight. After pimping that match all week though, the preview during Law and Order says it’s Lashley against King Booker one on one. Some of you may be wondering how yours truly is doing tonight (Okay you probably don‘t care you unappreciative assholes!), the answer to which is: The Amusement Park I was working for went bankrupt today, leaving me to join Scotty 2 Hotty in a hopeless attempt to plug my few undesirable talents for money.
Will Write Recaps for Food!
Raw 07.09.07
Welcome to the Cajun Dome! Where the wrestling is exactly the same only it leaves a more bitter, burning taste in your mouth….oh wait it does that already too. After theme and pyro we go to ringside where Bobby Lashley is soon on his way to the ring. King Booker is on his way out next as JR touts the King of the Ring tourney.
King Booker vs. Bobby Lashley
Booker ties up and forces Lashley to the corner only to eat a power slam for two. Lashley keeps the pressure on and slings Booker around like her was Booker Bear, nailing another running power slam for two. Booker hit’s a reverse kick and knees to the midsection, only to run into a reverse elbow for two from Lashley. Lashley scoop slams Booker hard enough to actually somehow get a pop out of the crowd with it. Lashley follows with stiff forearms (as apposed to noodly arms….ARMS….LIKE….NOOOOODLES). Lashley scoops Booker into the Dominator and nails it but only gets two.
Deciding he’s had enough, Lashley goes into a stalling suplex, only for Kennedy to run in and hit him from behind. Kennedy runs to the outside and Lashley leans over to grab him, but Booker hits him from behind. Coach interrupts the fight saying that Lashley decides a fighting chance. He mentions the cancelled main event, saying he sent Cena to Los Angeles and the match will now be back on with a (life) partner of Lashley’s choosing. If he can’t find one it will be a handicap match. Lashley tries to get back in the ring and Booker assault him only for Bobby to clothesline him to the floor.
Random Commercial Thought: I think I need a new deodorant. The crap I’m using seems to be working about as well as sprinkling powdered sugar in my armpits.
Back to the show where Regal is talking to Coach,. After he asks Coach to spin the wheel and rewards him with a life supply of Rice-a-roni, Regal says he enjoyed his stint as GM. He calls Coach’s decision effective but not creative. Coach then says Regal has a match against Sandman, saying that’s effective too. We get a replay of Umaga winning the title before going to ringside for his arrival. Santino is out for his rematch and in this outfit he looks like a deflated Batista that will Kick. Your. Pasta.
Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Santino Morella (Intercontinental Title Match)
Santino gets the shit beat out of him with chops and a beat down in the corner. Maria comes to ringside, apparently powered by Prada to root Santino on. Umaga slams a knee into the chest and slams Santino face first into the turnbuckles. Santino gets tossed around like a toy and Umaga slams him down to go up top. Umaga goes for a flying head butt and Santino dodges. Santino runs into an assault, bouncing off the ropes every time Umaga shoves him off. Santino hits a running dropkick and Umaga finally hit’s a super kick to end that. Ass Crash and the Thumb of Doom are soon to follow.
At this point Morella is looking more like Luigi than Mario. In the back, Lashley wanders to the generic “Raw Locker Room” as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Monk, who has, despite his name, never been to Tibet.
Back to the show where they run a pimp for the August issue of WWE magazine featuring Rey Rey. Back to the ring for Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. They plan to face the Highlanders, back from their graves (most likely resembling Stonehenge).
World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. The Highlanders (Non-title Match)
Cade goes to a headlock on Rory before hitting a hard reverse elbow. Cade gets a fireman carry take over. Rory forces Cade to the ropes and foregoes a clean break, hitting a shoulder block to the midsection. Murdoch tags in, but Rory sends him to the floor. Murdoch gets a headlock takeover into a…headlock (take a shot). Murdoch runs in with an elbow shot in the corner and goes back to a chinlock (take another shot). Jaybuster gets Rory free and in tags Robbie. Robbie hits dropkicks and clotheslines, trying to pump the crowd, but they don’t seem interested. Maybe if he chopped his opponent’s head off. Rory runs in and gets kicked out by the ref so Cade and Murdoch hit the Hi and Low or whatever its called on Robbie for the win.
In the back, Santino is comforted by Maria who wants to go out, but he says he’s embarrassed he lost twice in a row and people think he doesn’t deserve the IC title. He asks her to come to his hotel room since he shouldn’t be alone, otherwise he might lock his dreaded signature rollup on a toddler.
Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice. Oddly does not feature anything being lit on fire.
Back to the show where Shelton and Haas are in the back, Haas making fun of him for kissing Booker’s hand. It’s Benji’s Birthday (Thanks for discovering electricity dude!) today and Haas gives him a gift of kissing his own hand. Shelton gets pissed and says he’s so confident that if he doesn’t win, he’ll kiss Haas on the lips. Haas agrees to thiss for some reason and I die a little inside.
They run a video package about the history of Cena in the WWE, beginning with his debut against Angle before we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: All I’ve got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels….okay I’ll take that.
Back to the show where we get a retarded Snitsky package. Snitsky is then on his way to the ring, looking like The Thing with teeth as yellow as a fucking Gorilla’s. Super Crazy is his opponent who actually gets a chant. There is no match here, just Crazy being pummeled in the spine then finished off with the Coat Hanger. Snitsky comes back and does it again for good measure. JR says last week was one of the most embarrassing moments in the history of Raw (besides airing a tribute to a child murderer but who’s counting?) when Orton slapped Dusty. We then see Dusty on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Taco Bell! It will give you diarrhea so bad you’ll be able to run a marathon to that bathroom.
Back to the show where Dusty arrives and redefines the word Filibuster for some reason. He calls out Orton, but while we wait on that, may I point out it looks like somebody clubs Dusty with the whole fucking ugly TREE? Dusty starts talking about something, but I was really paying attention. Orton says he’s heard it all before while Dusty lists off the legends Orton has disrespected. Seriously though, this exchange is less entertaining than watching someone get a rectal exam. Apparently Orton challenges Dusty to a match at the GAB and Dusty makes it a Texas Bullrope match. Cody shows up and Orton tells him to fuck off. “There’s only room enough for one Metrosexual!” Cody bitchslaps Orton. Randy decides to retreat from the duo as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Wait, what was I doing?
Back to the show where Paul London is out to wrestle Shelton Benjamin. JR calls London half of “Kendrick and London”. Holy shit what a great team name!
Shelton Benjamin vs. Paul London (Gay Pride Match)
Shelton works the arm and goes to a front facelock on the ground, switching to a side headlock (take a shot). Shelton sends London to the mat with a shoulder block, but London takes a cheap shot to get up. London slams Shelton to the apron with sharp kicks. Benjamin gets back in the ring and forces Paul to the corner for some stiff shots. The ref breaks them up and London fights free only to be picked up and dropped into a back breaker. Shelton works the arm again with an arm bar after ramming it into a turnbuckle. Shelton almost gets caught in an inside cradle for two, but Shelton nails a super kick. Armbar slam follows and Shelton starts stomping London into the mat. London tries to hit a kick, but Shelton catches it. London switches a mule kick up into a rollup for three.
Winner: London
In the back, Crazy is being helped along when Kennedy attacks an says last week was just a misunderstanding in the language barrier, before stomping him in the head.
Random Commercial Thought: Commercials are for the weak!
Back to the show where Shelton and Haas end up not making out, but Haas does make him kiss his hand instead, only to psyche Benji out. Farooq arrives for a word of wisdom. At ringside, Mickie James and Candice are here for a match but Melina comes out with Jillian Hall to say she will challenge for her lost title at GAB but can’t compete tonight because of a severely sprained ankle, her replacement being Beth Phoenix as a heel now….and apparently also as Power Girl?
Mickie James & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix w/ Melina
Mickie starts off with Beth and tries to fight off both blondes before Beth hit’s a chicken wing slam. Mickie dodges a corner charge from a tagged in Jillian, clothes lining Jillian. Candice makes the tag and clotheslines Jillian all over and sending Phoenix to the floor. Candice Russian leg sweeps for two but Beth breaks it up. Mickie tackles Phoenix to the floor and Jillian hit’s a side slam for two. Jillian gets pissed at the count so Candice rolls her up for the win.
After the match Beth nails Candice from behind with the belt. Melina reveals she is just fine and I just noticed she looks like Cher now. Afterwards we see Bobby Lashley talking to Arn Anderson, possibly trying to gain advice on the nearest doctor that can snip his vocal chords. I can only hope.
Random Commercial Thought: Who’s Your Caddy joins Soul Plane and Norbit on the list of movies that directors should have to publicly apologize for ever creating.
Back to the show. Sharmell is asking Booking what’s wrong. He’s about to ask him when Kennedy shows up, saying Crazy is taken care of. He says they were made to look like fools but Booker says it was just Kennedy who was foolish. Elsewhere, Regal is in the ring. Fellow hair aficionado Carlito is at ringside as the Sandman approaches.
William Regal vs. The Sandman
Regal attacks Sandman as soon as he enters, going straight into hard punches. He sends Sandman down to two one counts. Sandman starts elbowing out, but a single hard shot sends him back down. Regal pins for another one count, hitting hard knees to the gut. A knee lift catches Regal off guard. Sandman goes down to the floor and clubs Carlito with the Shinai when he approaches so he just clubs Regal with it as well.
Sandman celebrates with his “Cane” that so isn’t a Shinai with the guard removed. Nope.
Random Commercial Thought: Milk can KILL YOU.
Back to the show where we get a video package for Lashley now, featuring his horrible voice over and over. Cena s then interviewed from Larry King and asked about Lashley after he shoots down King’s joke. He says hell address Bobby Lashley next week and is asked if he agrees if Bobby is an uncrowned champion. He says he agrees. Afterwards they rundown the GAB card and King Booker enters the ring as we head off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Fun Fact - the first commercial cost only nine dollars.
Back to the show, Kennedy makes his entrance. Michael Bugger suddenly drops from the sky and sues his ass. Lashley is out next by himself. Some idiot brought a dry erase board as a sign, which makes sense for changing on the flu, except you can’t read it. Kennedy and Booker want the bell to ring, but Lashley tells them to wait before Jeff Hardy’s music hits. Kennedy has to be held off from attacking Hardy when he shows off on the turnbuckles.
King Booker & Mr. Kennedy w/ Sharmell vs. Bobby Lashley & Jeff Hardy
Booker starts off with Jeff Hardy and they exchange quick blows before Hardy gets a two count. Booker forces Jeff to the corner by pulling the hair, kicking him in the corner. Kennedy tags in and starts wailing on Hardy with rights, stomping him down to the mat. The crowd rallies big for Hardy as Kennedy stomps into Hardy in the corner. Jeff catches a kick and mule kicks Kennedy. Slingshot dropkick to the sternum gets two. Hardy drags Kennedy to tag in Lashley. Booker drops away from a tag and Kennedy gets crushed with a clothesline and a snap suplex for one. Kennedy hit’s a knee to the gut and manages to get to the corner, but Lashley throws Kennedy into Booker. Lashley tags in Hardy and sets up the Poetry in Motion on Kennedy for two.
Hardy lays into Kennedy and gets whipped into a cheap shot from Booker on the apron, allowing a big clothesline by Kennedy. Kennedy tags in Booker and actually flips Lashley off. Booker slams Jeff down for two. Whisper in the wind gets a huge pop as Booker for some reason crawls to the wrong corner. Lashley and Kennedy are tagged in and Kennedy eats a Spear in the corner. Kennedy eats all of Lashley’s signature moves, even the Torture Rack back breaker but it only gets two when King Booker breaks it up. Booker and Hardy spill to the floor. Kennedy escapes a dominator and Lashley finally finishes it up with a spear.
Lashley and Hardy celebrate together as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event, while not all that exciting had it’s moments and Hardy was the most over guy out of the group.
Lowlight of the Night: Snitsky was there. Nuff said.
Eugene Award: Pointless Gay angle on The World’s Greatest Tag Team. WTF?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (07/16/07) By Cameron Burge
But I guess there can’t be anything more American than a generic white guy who wears caps and a big black guy who’s had everything he loved taken from him. Welcome to America Bitch!
Raw 07.16.06
Show opens with theme and pyro and they pimp the face off between Cena and Lashley before The Game hits. The shitty remixed song gets everyone’s hopes up when King Booker steps out instead. You were expecting King Kong? Booker is insulted by the blasphemy at him being called King of Kings. He says there is only one king in WWE and on Monday Night Raw (Jerry Lawler?). He claims to be that saying he won’t sit by and watch Triple H use that title, before stripping Hunter of any association with the word. What the fuck is he French now? Language Police? He then goes on to say there is one other small matter, Jerry the King Lawler. Well at least I predicted that one. He says he respects Jerry and as a sign of respect is asking him to remove King from his name. Because obviously that’s a legal part of his name he was born with. Jerry says he’s been a King for thirty years and doesn’t see a reason why they can’t coexist. Booker says a Kingdom can’t be split down the middle (unless it’s Ireland) and they need to make this easy so they can both go about their business. Jerry says he can’t control what everyone else calls him and he won’t call himself that on the show anymore. As a token of submission (CROSSFACE) he “axes” him to kiss his ring. King refuses and Booker orders him. Jerry still refuses.
Booker punches him in the face with a microphone and King fights him off. The refs manage to pull him off and Booker somehow was sent flying head over heels by one punch from Lawler. Afterwards we get a segment where they interview Ric Flair who will win between Cena or Lashley and he totes Lashley’s chain for a long time despite saying Cena will win (Just read the fucking script Ric) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Jennifer Lopez operates on the same premise of Angelina Jolie - “I’m pretty who cares what the film’s about? I might take my clothes off!”
Back to the show. King says he had to do what he did best (get old?) and JR is speechless to the claim so they move on to Umaga retaining his title against Morella. Next is a Four Way elimination match for a shot at the title. First up is Jeff Hardy. Shelton Benjamin is out next with Charlie Haas and following are Morella and Regal. Regal seems to have absconded with one of Ric Flair’s robes.
William Regal vs. Santino Morella vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (Four-way Elimination #1 Contender’s Match)
Match begins with Shelton clothes lining Hardy and they both go over the ropes to the floor. Regal gets taken down into an Arm bar by Morella and they escape to the floor as well. Hardy and Shelton move back into the ring with Hardy and Shelton meeting with a double cross body. Regal slides in to drop an elbow on Hardy for two then do the same to Benjamin. Morella rolls Regal into an inside cradle for two. Snap Suplex sends Regal rolling to the floor when Benjamin attacks from behind. Shelton suplexes Santino for two.
Morella hit’s a sharp kick to the knee and then follows with knees to the face. Her hit’s a flying forearm, but Shelton is able to roll up Morella for two. Morella reverses into a rollup and Regal super kicks him. Regal rolls up Morella for three. Shelton hits Regal with a back breaker and gets two. Hardy comes back in mounting Regal with punches in the corner, but Shelton drop him in an electric chair. Regal pins for two as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Number 23 - QUICK! Make it infinifilm maybe someone will buy it if it has a shiny box!
Back to the match. Regal and Shelton are concentrating on Hardy trying to get the pin. Regal takes over, dropping a hard knee for two when Shelton appears and starts wailing on him. Shelton and Regal knock heads with each other out of the corner. Hardy starts fighting them both off and beats Regal into the corner. Mule Kick sends Shelton to the floor. Hardy back body drops Regal and goes for the slingshot dropkick, but Regal dodges and pins for two. Twist of Fate eliminates Regal. Shelton comes off the top into the Blockbuster for two. Shelton keeps punching on Hardy but the Whisper in the Wind gets the momentum back. Haas tries to cheap shot Hardy but is knocked to the floor. Jeff sends Shelton out as well then comes over the ropes on them. Shelton is tossed back into the ring and Hardy bombs the Swanton which gets two for Shelton.
Shelton looks pissed as he stumbles back up. Shelton looks to have Hardy set up for a powerbomb but Hardy just forces forward into a slow motion rollup. And I mean Slooooow motion. Like old lady driving on the high way slow.
Winner: Hardy
Next we get an interview with Edge over who will win between Cena and Lashley. He thinks that even though he can’t stand Cena, but still thinks he will retain (more water) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: El Cantante is about a famous Latin American couple….Ricky and Lucy Ricardo.
Back to the show. Speaking of El Cantante, the little replay of Orton/Rhodes is brought to us by them. I think Orton came from a family that communicated through hitting. Orton rambles on about how he’s recently already killed Michaels and RVD (Police are currently on his trail). He’s gonna kill Cody apparently too (Why doesn’t the FBI get on this guy already?!). In the back Maria is trying to convince Morella he isn’t a loser. Apaprently they watches Trnasformers last night and Morella thinks the cars transforming is a miracle. (Like Dr. Miracles, but that involved oral sex. http://youtube.com/watch?v=S7TUlDB1M54 ). He says he wants to quit before offering her to stay the night with him. She agree for pancakes. Elsewhere Batista speaks up about the Cena/Lashley match. He goes with Bobby Lashley.
Random Commercial Thought: I saw this preview for I Know Who Killed Me that gave away the entire movie’s entire plot. And let me tell you. It sucked. It sucked hard.
Back to the show. We come back to Snitsky telling us that [NAME DELETED] WASN’T HIS FAULT. Oh, and he talks about how he likes hurting people (which honestly doesn’t help his case). As if that wasn’t enough, now he’s on his way to the ring. He’s taking on Val Venis and I can only assume the premise of this match is to see who can blind the other with his head first.
Val Venis vs. Gene Snitsky
Val gets a hard kick to the jaw in the corner and comes off the rope, but Snitsky catches him and rams Val right into the corner. Venis is sent slamming around and a hard shot to the back when he bounces off the ropes. Val tries a reverse elbow and gets clotheslined. Snitsky finishes with the Coat Hanger for the win.
Winner: Snitsky
Snitsky lands another one after the match. By the way could somebody get something for those erm…(Oh so not caused by steroids) growths on Snitsky’s chest? Cody cuts a promo on Orton like William FUCKING Shatner. All he needed was a green woman (Maybe Ashley, she’s pretty green).
Random Commercial Thought: Man I can’t really stand some of the movies this season. And who the FUCK thinks that Rob Zombie should have been allowed to remake Halloween?
Back to the show where King is in the ring, but I was too busy watching you tube to care. Apparently he is describing a Texas Bullrope Match that needs more Cowbell (but to get me to watch it I’d need more Cobell). He describes all the things he’s seen Dusty do with it before Orton comes out. They then replay Orton killing Michaels and RVD with KICK TO THE HEAD. Which obviously means Michaels has probably ended countless careers. Cody Rhodes (whom JR called Cody Runnels) apparently has an entrance video….consisting entirely of his name. And he also seems to have stolen the Riddler’s Costume.
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Dusty rhodes
The match starts off slow with Orton eventually slamming Cody down. Her kicks him in the side then pulls Cody up through the ropes for clubs to the chest. Orton slings Cody to the floor and stares Dusty off. Cody slams Orton’s head into the apron and ducks clotheslines in the ring. Dusty goes for a cross body and hits nothing. Orton goes to his slow stomps on Rhodes. Actually is there anything NOT slow about Orton? He’s so slow it’s like normal speed with him after a while. Cody starts wailing on Orton when he stares at Dusty so Orton hit’s a power slam to shut him back down.
Cody eats a back body drop and some more chest stomps as Orton hypes up the estrogen in the crowd by showing off. Orton clubs Cody some more in the chest and slaps him in the head. Orton falls back to a headlock on Cody (take a shot). Cody elbows his way out only to take a kitchen sink back down to the mat (maybe he can wash some other tights that don’t blind). Orton drops a knee and instead of pinning just wails on Cody some more. He shows off for another female pop. Cody goes to the Rhodes Punch combo on Orton. He whips Orton to the corner and gets flipped up to the apron. Cody leaps up top and hit’s a Missile dropkick for two.
As this match seems to drag on into a new dimension of time, Cody finds Orton hitting a European uppercut on him. Orton drags Cody into an Inverted backbreaker and stares off with Dusty before finally going into the RKO for the win.
Winner: Orton
A bunch of women in the audience orgasm in their seats. Orton tries to run up for the boot, but Dusty turns on him and scares him off. Fusty calls Orton in and Randy backs off down the aisle. Steve Austin is asked about the match and goes with Cena as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: So there’s this commercial for Kansas Casinos. It wants me to vote for them. But then there’s this other one that uses a voice like Casino’s cause cancer, telling me not to.
Back to the show where Melina and Phoenix (Not the X-man) is here for a action against Mickie and Candice (apparently its one on one though).
Melina w/ Beth Pheonix vs. Mickie James w/ Women’s Champion Candice Michelle
Mickie tries a victory roll on Melina for two to start off. Melina wrenches the arm, but Mickie kicks her way free and flips out. Mickie slams her into the turnbuckle before slamming Melina down. As much as this match CAPTURES my mind (and by that I mean, I’m mostly kind of dosing through it), Melina manages to nail Mickie with something and gain the advantage. Melina uses a modified headlock (take a shot) but Mickie fights out and drags her down by the hair. Melina kicks to the midsection, but a neck breaker by Mickie gets two. Mickie hit’s the Mickie-canrana in the corner but gets tripped by Beth. Melina clubs Mickie from behind before finishing with Legs Wide Open for the win.
Winner: Melina.
Side note. The GAB promo says “Plus, Batista Bombs could be bursting!” I think he should go to a hospital in that case.
Random Commercial Thought: The Hills Have Eyes 2. Uh. NEXT.
Back to the show. They replay what happened on Smackdown. Regal is in the back talking to Hacksaw. He asks to take the board so Coach can have it bronzed in tribute. Hacksaw nobody puts their hand on his hardware. Eventually Regal ends up demanding he put his massive piece of wood in his hands right now and Ron Simmons shows up to give a word of wisdom. I kind of wonder if these segments would be better with RICHARD Simmons. Foley says Lashley will win.
Random Commercial Thought: There’s a fucking 800 number for the local welding school.
Back to the show. Carlito is here to face the sandman and Gershon posed me with this: “Hey what would happen if someone forgot to get Carlito an apple?”
He’d take a bite out of crime and spit THAT at you. Sandman, who is from Philadelphia (which lost it’s 10,000th game yesterday and Sandman seems to be on the fast path to that lately), arrive next.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Sandman
Carlito starts off hard, beating the hell out of Sandman all around the ring. He pounds him down in the corner before going to the center of the ring with a chinlock (take a shot). Sandman fights free and scoop slams Carlito (holy shit a wrestling move!). Sandman tiredly climbs to the top and Regal arrives to beat him down.
Winner: Sandman
Carlito and Regal just start destroying Sandman when Duggan arrives with his MASSIVE wood for the save. Just like Dr. Miracles. JBL calls the winner as being Cena.
Random Commercial Thought: Blaxplotation for the win!
Back to the show. They show Crazy beating Kennedy. Kennedy introduces himself before Super Crazy (CRAZY!) arrives.
Super Crazy vs. Mr. Kennedy
Rolling heel kick by Crazy into a headlock by Kennedy (take a shot). Kennedy this a shoulder block and rumbles over Crazy into a corner. Crazy tarts some swift strikes and catches a kick from Kennedy until Kennedy smacks him in the face. Kennedy leaps onto Crazy and stars wailing on him. Kennedy and Crazy fight into the corner and Kennedy puts him in an abdominal stretch (As opposed to the Abominable Stretch which requires a snowman). Kennedy sends Crazy to the mat and tries to land a flying forearm drop, but Crazy puts his knees up. Crazy goes erm….nuts and starts clothes lining Kennedy in the corner. Springboard moonsaults come in a pair from the first to the second rope. Crazy tries a third from the top but Kennedy racks him. Kennedy hit’s a reverse suplex from the top and pins for three.
Winner: Kennedy
After the match they run down the GAB card (with a truck hopefully) and pimp the showdown as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Jean Claude Van Damme in the same crap you’ve seen over….and over…
Back to the show where they do Triple H as The Million Dollar Man (not Ted Dibiase) as a return video. Coach is by the entrance at a podium and two podiums are in the ring. Coach introduces Lashley and Cena and poses the question to Cena if he thinks he will lose. Cena says that’s a great questions (because sarcasm is SOOOOO dead). Cena ends his promo by crying then saying “God Bless America”. He proceeds to award Coach no points (DENIED). Lashley knocks his podium down and starts back talking Cena. Lashley challenges for a fight and Coach gets pissed, saying that this is his and they are ruining it. Lashley goes after him and Coach says he better back off or lose his shot. Cena tells Bobby to be more concerned with him than Coach or else he will leave without the belt. Lashley is hauled off by refs and Cena cuts a promo on Lashley. Lashley bursts back out down the ramp and he and Cena stare down. Somebody get Bobby’s face some fucking cream. They try to brawl but are pulled apart as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Four-way elimination match while not all that great was the best they had to offer.
Lowlight of the Night: Orton’s slow-motion squash.
Eugene Award: King Feuding with King Booker? WHY?! Why don’t we just throw the Burger King in the match and make it a triple threat too?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (07/23/07) By Cameron Burge
Anyway John Cena once again proved that much like that dead gambler from that episode of the Twilight Zone, he never loses, only instead of himself, it’s the audience who’s been thrust into hell by this predicament. Bobby Lashley was rumored to have been found crying over a Mohito in the nearby pub shortly there after.
Raw 07.23.07
Coach opens the show in an office that he apparently decided to decorate with Rey Mysterio and abstract art. Which is which? You decide. Coach says he’ll be watching every match tonight very closely (so close he can smell the crappy booking!) to decide a new #1 contender for Summerslam. He pimps the Champion Only Match before it’s theme and pyro. King tells us Cody and Randy will face off one on one tonight (and Cody is so lame, the picture for him is the shot from when he slapped Orton). In the ring a fine banquet has been set up thanks to the constant threat of Viscera to such things no longer being a matter on Raw. Booker heads to the ring as we recap what happened last week with King.
King is invited into the ring (by the name Jerome) to share the table with King Booker. Booker has to order him a new microphone by royal decree before going on to say why he should be King. He states why The Kings, Jerry, and Triple H are all false kings and he is the true King. This speech actually took like ten minutes, but I managed to condense it down for you guys, reader’s digest style because I’m just cool that way. Jerry says he can make this real simple and a King is only as good as his Kingdom, so if the people don’t think of him as a King then he’s not a King…unless he can find a sword in a rock. Which nobody’s impaled the Rock with a Broadsword so far so Booker’s out of luck. Jerry calls him a pain in the arse. A fight breaks out and King starts chucking Booker from the ring. We see the divas getting ready for tag action as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure there are 23 reasons why that movie sucks.
Back to the show. The divas are out…Santino included.
Mickie James & Maria w/ Santino Morella vs. Melina & Beth Pheonix
Mickie and Phoenix start off with a shoving match before Beth picks her up and throws Mickie to the corner. Melina tags in and Mickie goes on offensive with forearms but a boot from Melina stops it. Mickie back kicks Melina in the stomach and tags in Mario. A double back body drop hits Melina and Beth kicks Maria from the outside. Morella is pissed because Melina is pulling Maria beautiful hair (freaky fetish!). Beth tags in with a slam on Maria for two, locking in a headlock (take a shot). Maria and Melina tie back up and my sister bursts into the room to tell me something unimportant so I completely forgot what was going on. Mickie tags in when Maria escapes from Melina. Mickie sends Beth off the apron and a double arm chop gets two on Melina. Maria tags in as Mickie monkey flips Melina and Maria hit’s a flying cross body for two when Beth runs in. Mickie is ejected from the ring by the ref as Beth and Melina try to double team but Morella trips Beth. The ref kicks Beth out literally (he kicked her!) and Maria bulldogs Melina for the win.
Winners: Mickie and Maria
Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Holy shit TNA is here next week! I quit caring.
Back to the show. They show how Cody protected Dusty getting a kick to the head. Cody meets up with Randy in the back to claim he’s afraid of him. Perhaps he’s afraid of his HORRIBLE LINE DELIVERY. Randy gives him one last chance to back out which doesn’t fly. Elsewhere, John Cena is interviewed by Tard an asked for this week’s lotto numbers. Okay maybe that didn’t happen but it’s about as interesting as Cena comparing the rednecks to broke back mountain. He goes on to say he will take on anyone Coach throws at him as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m still trying to figure out what the hell these Scion commercials are talking about half the time.
Back to the show where Hacksaw and Sandman (sounds like a Spiderman Villian Team Up) are set to take on regal and Carlito. What is this? A prop match?
Sandman & Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. William Regal & Carlito Caribbean Cool
Sandman and Regal start off with Regal beating him down to the match. Sandman botches an uppercut and knocks Carlito off the apron shortly there after. Regal forces Sandman to the corner and tags in Carlito who works the Sandman over. Regal tags back in and he and Sandman collide, both tagging back out. Carlito meets up with Hacksaw and finds himself getting crushed in the corner with mounted punches. Regal is knocked off the apron to fight with Sandman until Hacksaw gets caught in the corner with a very sudden Apple Jack.
Winners: Carlito and Regal
JR says Carlito could be the next number one contender (yeah for Hair of the Year award) before pimping the card as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: My flavor - “It tastes like my cat!”
Back to the show where in the back, Carlito is talking to Regal about being the number one contender. He goes to take a bite of an apple before saying that things going his way is cool, but when he spits off to the side, it hits Bobby Lashley. Carlito runs away to the ring and apologies publicly to Lashley for what he did. Carlito says if he accept to not say or do anything (like my last girlfriend! Rest her soul). Lashley uses his new modified music to signal his arrival. Carlito leaps over the ropes to get a few shots in on Lashley, but when he goes to throw Lashley into the stairs, He leaps directly over them and catches Carlito by the hair. A dominator later leaves Carlito in the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If you see one Wrestler movie this year, make it Half Dead 2. Because Goldberg needs money to stay relevant.
Back to the show where Randy is on his way to the ring to completely squash Cody Rhodes again.
Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton
Randy starts off with a strenuous series of headlocks (take a shot) and Cody escapes, landing a dropkick. Randy goes on to just start destroying him instead with Cody trying to get the quick pin out of nowhere at one point, but he only manages two. Randy hit’s the inverted backbreaker and starts his dissecting stomps while Cody sells it like someone filled his tights with electric eels (Penis joke? You decide). Cody goes on the offense again…right into a foot. He smacks to the turnbuckles hard and Orton starts to lay in with uppercuts, forearms and stomps. Cody drags himself up and flips over Randy for a roll up for two. Orton hit’s a clothesline from hell for two of his own. Orton goes back to a headlock (take a shot) but Cody escapes and manages to stun Orton long enough to go up top. Cody flies off like superman only without any of the powers or cool hair. An RKO follows to finish things up.
Winner: Orton
After the match, Orton sets up for the Kick O’ Doom, but Dusty makes the run in to save. Dusty hits the punch combo and sends Orton to the floor, but while checking on Cody, Orton sneaks in to kick him in the head from behind…and by kick in the head I mean he CLEARLY steps right over him and hits nothing at all. Paramedics rush in as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: And now. And Anime Moment. “OMG KAWAIIIIII!” This has been. An Anime Moment.
Back to the show where they replay what happened to Dusty and how nobody really cared at all. Maybe it will fix that inexplicable constant double black eyes he has. To cheer us up I case you were down (maybe you have gas) Kennedy is out for his match. What is with his theme song anyway? It’s kind of like a backwards trek into the 1980’s with the way they sing it. Kennedy introduces himself as the next #1 Contender for the WWE Title. Jeff follows out next but he doesn’t get anything special.
Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Kennedy
Jeff and Kennedy start off as JR and King put over their Owen Hart voices for a while longer. Jeff knocks Kennedy down and keeps going for the midsection leg drop but missing allowing Kenendy to get a two count. He finally hits it and Kennedy takes back over. Kennedy kicks his way out of the corner, starting to work Hardy over, both men exchanging several hammerlocks. Kennedy tosses Hardy to the floor and slides out as Jeff comes in to confuse him only to eat a slingshot dropkick. Jeff leaps over the ropes as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Krusty says, eat more junk food, die young, make a pretty corpse.
Back to the show where Jeff tries to springboard over Kennedy out of the corner only to get caught and hit with a heavy slapjack. Kennedy knees him in the back of the head against the ropes before picking up two. Kennedy stays on the offensive, tossing Hardy to the corner, but Jeff goes for the whisper in the win, only to botch. Her falls split legged and folds up on his head. OUCH. Kennedy g goes for a pin but Jeff’s foot is under the rope so he pulls it up. The ref gets a two count. The Whisper spot is redid with success this time, followed by a slingshot dropkick to the sternum. Hardy hits a face buster and goes up top, but Kennedy rolls to the floor. Hardy runs the rail and the fight spills down the aisle. Hardy ends up slamming Kennedy into the ring entrance and running back to the ring to win by count out.
Winner: Hardy
They show us Dusty being loaded in an ambulance (by a wood wielding Hacksaw no less) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I Know Who Killed Me opens everywhere this Friday. Even that really crummy city. You know the place I’m talking about.
Back to the show. Londrick is here to take on TWGTT (Yay acronyms!)
Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Haas is able to survive some early offense from Kendrick before dragging him in the corner. Shelton tags in and tires a headlock (take a shot). Shelton spins out into a heavy dragon whip, which is amore of a super kick for two when London breaks up the tag. Haas tags back in and takes Kendrick down to the ground with a headlock (take another shot. You wasted yet?). Kendrick hit’s a modified enziguiri on Haas and tags in London. London sends Shelton to the floor and starts hitting elbows and dropkicks on Haas. He slides under Haas and hits an inverted atomic drop into a hurricanrana. Londrick team up on Shelton when he runs in to send him to the floor again. Kendrick goes over the ropes on Shelton, but misses entirely. Haas forces London to the rope, Shelton leaping over Haas to hang him up on the ropes, Haas finishes with the German Suplex pin for three.
Winners: Haas and Benjamin
Random Commercial Thought: Hard Boiled. Not just an egg anymore.
Back to the show where once again we mourned the tragic loss of Shamu the whale….I mean Dusty Rhodes. After the recap King Booker comes out to challenge Jerry to a match next week. For some odd reason JR takes this moment to declare how long a week is in hours. Coach is asked in the back who the new challenger is and he claims to have made his decision. It’s Chuck Norris. OR at least I wish it was. Coachman says he won’t say until he’s told Cena. He gets accosted by Candice who begs not to go to the match as we then see the heels on their way to the ring. Umaga apparently has asthma (like Megatron) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I think all milk should be made from dried up old men. We’d get some use out of Ric Flair again.
Back to the show. Lillian kicks us off for this match. If you can really it call it one.
Intercontinental Champion Umaga & Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle (No Disqualification Intergender Handicap Match)
Longest. Title. Ever. Cena tries to take on everyone when he gets there while Candice hides in the corner. Cena dodges the assault until Umaga crushes him. Cade decides to be the legal man….in this no DQ match. Cade suplex Murdoch onto Cena after making the tag and Murdoch starts clubbing him in the face. Umaga tags in after Cena is crushed by the turnbuckles. Umaga runs him over then tags in Murdoch who gets a two count on Cena. Cena starts to rally and takes out the rednecks until Umaga runs in. Cena tries a cross body and gets caught in a samoan drop. Candice tries to get away from Cade and Murdoch until she is hide in in the corner and they hold her in place for the Ass Crash when Jeff Hardy arrives, chair in hand to bash Umaga all the way down the aisle. Hardy starts throwing the chair and rallies to huge pops before chasing Umaga to the back.
Candice has escaped so Cena starts slinging the Rednecks around, seemingly whoever had the kryptonite having wandered off apparently as all of his powers have returns. Cena chucks one and FUs the other for the win.
Winner: Cena
Cena celebrates but Orton comes from behind with an RKO. Coach arrives to declare Randy the new Number one Contender. Would Orton’s centerpiece on the belt be a headlock? Or a gaping black hole of talent? Randy decides to stare silently for a while as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The only highlight I can personally come up with for tonight was an excellent tag team showing from Londrick and TWGTT.
Lowlight of the Night: Marella becomes the newest man who’s only purpose is to be in the diva division.
Eugene Award: Battle of the Kings. Why. God Why.
WWE RAW RANT: (07/30/07) By Cameron Burge
Raw 07.30.07
The show opens with a recap of who is the number one contender. Because boots to the head KILL.as long as you are Randy Orton. Cena hits the ring to cut a promo on Orton. He breaks the fourth wall by talking about how every Number One contender does the same damn thing like pre-written robots. He goes to spout a catchphrase and Carlito interrupts saying tonight it's the new and improved Carlito's Cabana with John Cena as a guest. He calls out some scrubs to build the set. Carlito says Cena is a liar because he doesn't win all of his Championship matches saying he beat Cena for the US belt on his debut. HOLY SHIT CONTINUITY RUN AWAY. Cena hits us with a machine gun barrage of pop culture references. Carlito claims he should be the number one contender and then Kennedy comes down to differ. They argue and Cena finally tells them Orton deserves his spot. Cena says Kennedy doesn't become Number one contender by a microphone falling from the ceiling..or by falling from the ceiling yourself. Cena asks Carlito what the hell he's done since three years ago. Cena decides to put Kennedy in a match against Lashley and himself against Carlito because the champion can just do crap like that as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Hot Fuzz comes out of my drier every day.
Back to the show. Where the six Woman Diva tag match is going to happen whether we want it to or not after a recap of Morella helping Maria win last week. (One Man Diva). Me and JR are equally confused which is Beth and which is Jillian.
Maria, Mickie James & Women's Champion Candice Michelle vs. Melina, Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix (Six Diva Tag Match)
Maria starts off with Jillian Hall, dodging a charge in the corner and trying to roll her up. Maria tags out to Mickie who gets rammed by Jillian to the heel corner (HAHA Rammed..). Mickie takes on Melina and starts to take over with clotheslines. Candice tags in and nails a flip over hair pull on Melina. Beth Phoenix knees Candice in the back, allowing Melina o scoop slam her and tag in Phoenix. Phoenix cartwheels into some sort of elbow drop for two. Knocking Candice back down Beth knocks Mickie to the floor and goes back to Candice but she escapes and both tag. Maria crushes Melina with clotheslines and a clusterfuck commences (my personal favorite type of Diva interaction.oh wait). Somewhere along the line a double team on Maria by Beth and Melina as a Facebuster/flapjack (I call it Chlamydia Johnson) gets the win.
Winners: Phoenix, Jillian & Melina
Random Commercial Thought: Hot Rod. Another movie from people who brought you the same crap over..and over..
Back to the show where Santino is arguing with the ref. Morella says he's disgusted with all the cheating, like the NBA and it's the ref's fault. He says the ref should have seen what happened. But damnit Santino it was in the script give him a break. Santino is interrupted by Umaga and asks someone to get him away from him, saying he wants to talk about Maria not this guy. The ref takes Santino's microphone from him and tells them to ring the bell for a match. HAHAHAHA.
Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Santino Morella (Non Title Match?)
Umaga super kicks Santino in the face and crushes him with an Ass Crash. Best. Face. Ever. Umaga follows with a slam and the spike for three.
Winner: Umaga
Well, I'm sure glad anyone can make any damn match they want now. Who the fuck needs Coach? Cena and the ref got it covered.
Random Commercial Thought: I'M BRET RATNER! Whoo! Coolest man in Hollywood! Look at me I'm Bret Radner!
Back to the show. Coach is on the phone talking about the main event when Cody Rhodes comes in. Coach says he was shocked by what happened last week. He shows Cody the footage of his and Orton's feud in a replay. If by feud you mean, one sided ass kicking. Cody is told he needs to win a match tonight or hit the showers. Elsewhere, Orton says he hates to be redundant (why start now?) but he's killed Michaels RVD and Dusty. SGT Slaughter randomly appears (Wild Slaughter Appear! What Will You Do?) and says everyone knows he hates maggots (And Knowing is half the battle. The other half is a gun). So he's going to take on Orton tonight as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: CHICKEN!
Back to the show where Daivari magically exists again (although with 100% less hair). Cody comes out to cut off Daivari's foreign promo (He was just saying Eat at Joe's assholes). You know, you can really tell Cody is Dusty's son, especially since he's got that similar constant double blackeye syndrome like he decided to give the wrong prostitute an Angry Pirate last night.
Cody Rhodes vs. Daivari
Cody unleashes with hard rights and lays into Daivari but Daivari catches him with a slam for two. Cody rebounds and manages a cross body for two of his own. Daivari begs on the ground and goes for a cheap shot, but Cody catches the foot. Cody hit's a hard power slam and fires up (fortunately someone pours sand on him) and finishes things off with a DDT.
Winner: Cody
Random Commercial Thought: I'm not even really sure what the hell some of these commercials are for. But apparently I could have been a manager for TNA wrestling tonight if someone had let me know about the contest sooner. I could have managed some random jackass!
Back to the show where Kennedy is out to announce himself as the REAL (slim shady) Number one contender. He goes to do the echo, but Bobby interrupts with his music to get us underway.
Bobby Lashley vs. Ken Kennedy (KENNEDY)
Lashley starts off strong with rights on Kennedy, but Ken fights back. Lashley powers through it and catches Kennedy in the corner when he tries to float over. Lashley decks him with a right, hitting a clothesline in the corner. Lashley uses his torture rack drop and sets up for the spear but Kennedy rolls to the floor before he actually SAW AN OBVIOUS SET UP. Kennedy rams Lashley shoulder first into the steel steps when he follows out, crawling back into the ring for the ref to begin his count. What is Kennedy king of the count out finish or something? Lashley crawls in and Kennedy puts on an arm bar. IF only Kennedy knew the more he stacks up the odds against Lashley the more his odds of winning exponentially increase. Lashley lifts him up but Kennedy comes down on the arm again for two. The ref checks on Lashley and Kennedy goes back to the work, hammering the shoulder and putting on a half nelson.
Lashley throws Kennedy off and tosses him from one side of the ring to the other. Lashley hit's a back body drop and sets up the spear but he runs right into a kick to the shoulder. Kennedy rolls him over into a pin for three! Holy shit!
Winner: Kennedy
After the match, Kennedy announces himself while the ref checks on Lashley and we check out some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Year of the Three-quel.
Back to the show. Snitsky says our pain is his pleasure. He jacks off every time we watch a Khali match. They replay what happened to Bobby before JR recaps what's going on with the Kings. (Look out Burger King). JR calls the show down a royal Rumble (with significantly fewer participants) as booker arrives and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I have Balls of Fury but every time I use them I get arrested.
Back to the show where we get a King of Kings promo. Jerry arrives and I'm happy to see they had the class to color coordinate.
Jerry Lawler vs. King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell (King of Over the Hill Match)
Jerry and Booker tie up and Jerry disintegrates into a fine powder. Seriously. King (which one?! HA!) gets pissed with all the dancing around and socks Booker in the face. They tie up again and Booker forces Jerry to the corner and takes a cheap shot. Jerry fights out with right hands, sending Booker to the corner himself. Booker gets whipped to the corner, catching Lawler with a reverse elbow and heel kick for two. Booker starts pounding away at his fellow king. This is kind of like a chess match. With a white and black king and a big square playing field..and body odor.
Booker sets up the Scissors kick and Lawler dodges, lighting up with right and lefts, punching Booker into the mat, removing his strap. Lawler hits an elbow drop for two, thinking her had three when Booker got his feet on the rope. Lawler tries a clothesline and eats a super kick. Booker starts stomping into Jerry and puts hi in the corner for a beat down until the ref finally calls for the bell because he won't break it. Winner: Lawler
After the match Booker pounds Lawler into the match (kind of like prison!) and celebrates down the ramp before Jerry rushes down to beat the hell out of him as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell does HSN need to rain fucking dots on all of their products?
Back to Heat. I mean, uh Raw. Well it's hard to tell. Cryme Tyme is here to face some jobbers.
Cryme Tyme vs. Random Schmucks
JTG hit's a sliding uppercut on Jobber number one, before Jobber number two tags in. Shad tags in and crushed him with a couple of clotheslines. Shad hit's a power slam and knocks Jobber number one completely out with a right hand when he runs in. JTG comes in with the tag and they hit the Joint Roller for three. Winners: Cryme Tyme
JTG and Shad write a song consisting of one line. Hey didn't have much time to prepare. They auction off the Jobber's White boots with black soul (HA) as the "I just got beat by Cryme Tyme" boots for money. They drop the price from 1000 dollars to twenty after signing them. This segment itself stretches on into infinity as we go on to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: A sexy Hamburger would need some big titties for me to care.
Back to the show. Orton is out to face Sgt. Slaughter proving that Transformers isn't the only part of the 80's that can be dredged back up.
Slaughter pretty much gets slaughtered right away, Orton kicking his tiny legs out from under him. The Sergeant rolls around on the ground beneath Orton's stalking stomps. Orton puts Slaughter in a headlock (take a shot) that looks a lot more like a choke. Slaughter rallies out eventually and fights out, catching Orton in the cobra clutch (HAIL COBRA). Orton manages to make it to eh ropes and head butts his way out of the hold. After that, it's just an RKO to the end.
Winner: Orton
Post match, Slaughter gets hit with a kick to the head that does more damage than even that one evil ninja from GI Joe.
Random Commercial Thought: I'll burn YOUR notice.
Back to the show where they replay the tragedy of Slaughter. I'm guessing by now the nondescript WWE Hospital should be freaking packed.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Cena taunts Carlito into a corner and backs off before Carlito comes back in. Cena puts a headlock on (take a shot) and gives Carlito a noogie (He then of course follows up with a wedgie and puts Daivari in a locker). Carlito gets tripped right into an STFU which Cena just ends by messing his hair to tease him. Carlito gets a shot to the gut in and starts punching Cena into the corner. Cena hits a bulldog. Orton apparently never left ringside and taunts standing up when Cena chases Carlito outside. Carlito takes a back body drop. Cena punches Carlito to the corner and catches him with a fisherman's suplex. Cena and Orton stare down before Cena goes back to Carlito. Carlito nails him in the gut and Cena whips him into a sidewalk slam. Carlito manages to catch Cena with a neck breaker for two. Her lays in with some punches for two more.
Carlito goes to a chin lock (take a shot). Cena fights free with strength and hit's the flashback into the generic offense that we haven't seen in a while. Protobomb goes into the You Can't See Me but Orton tries to get in. Cena tries to grab him and Carlito takes the opportunity to hit the Apple Jack for the win.
Winner: Carlito
Carlito spits his apple in Cena's face. The ref hold Orton back at ringside while Cena gets up and stares at Carlito on the ramp all pissed at the apple. Cena smirks as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Carlito gets the pin over John fucking Cena. Cena and Lashley BOTH LOSE ON THE SAME NIGHT. It's a sign of the Apocalypse.
Lowlight of the Night: Cryme Tyme selling boots for so long I felt like I actually WAS watching the HSN.
Eugene Award: Sgt Slaughter jobbed out for seemingly no reason. How many times can you do this match before people stop caring? Once.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
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CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
