RAW IS STAR WARS!

by Sean Carless

(originally posted in May 2005)

With Lead WWE Writer Brian Gerwirtz allegedly on the outs, Vince McMahon and company now look to be unfortunately left without someone to pen their flagship show: Raw is War. But that may all soon change...

You see, in an *EXCLUSIVE* to The Wrestling Fan.com, our crack team (addicted to said substance) of wrestling reporters-- led by our man on the scene that we'll just call "Bill Apter" for the sake of his literal identity-- have actually discovered the identity of Gerwirtz's replacement, through good old fashion reporting, and of course shameless blackmail. It has been revealed, that starting next week, GEORGE LUCAS, director of the FAMED Star Wars films… and a couple of other movies no one remembers, will come aboard and take over any and all WWE writing duties after the release of Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith!

And if you think about it, this partnership is natural. After all, between all the wooden acting, nonsensical plot-holes, and complete revisionist destruction of any and all memories we hold dearest in our childhood, have there ever been more natural business partners than George Lucas & Vincent Kennedy McMahon?

With that in mind, we've recently learned of Lucas's intentions to remold the WWE in his own image, (bar the unsightly neck beard) as he has even submitted several character overhauls to WWE creative not just limited to all in-ring romances being built around sand and its coarseness and the firing of Mick Foley (there's only room for one bearded fat guy in flannel 'round these parts, bub!). Unfortunately though, there have been several problems thus far attempting to implement all  of these changes-- including Lucas' projected 500 million dollar WWE budget and the fact that all shows will now be shot on a green screen. (Animating actual realistic charisma and  human emotion for Randy Orton we understand will also cost WWE another projected 200 million). WWE's solution however is to simply increase the PPV's to 5 per day at a price of $250,000.00 per show-- in an effort to soften the blow somewhat. (Starting next week, we’ll see the return of "In Your House", immediately followed by "In Your House, again", "Still In Your House", "In Your House and probably going to be staying over" And finally, "I might as well just move in.")

In any event, here are several of the other changes WWE fans have to look forward to, complain about on message boards, and then go on to continue to have an MSN conversation with a woman whom will ultimately be revealed to be a 57 year old man hoping to molest them (don't ask):

Vince:"The booking committee is the gateway to many opportunities some consider to be unnatural...."

Hunter: "Is it possible to learn this power?"

Vince: "Not from the locker room."

Hunter: "Is it possible to still pin them anyway?"

Vince: "We'll see."

With that, Hunter began his trek to the darkside, (not  his feud with Booker T.) and soon he'd stand by Vince's side as Dark Lord of the dressing room.

However, apparently, after years of ingesting growth hormones and anabolics, in addition to countless injuries, things have unfortunately taken their toll on this once promising hero to the IWC. (allowing Steph to ride missionary we understand also destroyed his respiratory system completely-- requiring artificial means of breathing and then strangely enunciating every syllable in a promo) . To remedy this, Lucas has since reconstructed Triple H completely, transforming him from a selfish mechanical killing machine that feasts on hate and threatening blond guys to well, the exact same thing really. The new suit is said to be somewhat cumbersome and slow, however-- but thus far, no one has really noticed the difference in Hunter's ring style, bar his insistence of still trying to wear trunks over a bulky robo-codpiece.

 The cost of this procedure has unfortunately come at a steep price:  2/3rds of the locker room-- whom we understand were subsequently released and/or frozen in carbonite (DartHHH still insisted on pinning them all anyway on their last day with the company) to pay for DartHHH's new mechanical suit --in addition to a complicated straw system that will still allow him to nonsensically consume water (bottled on the Planet Naboo) and then spit it on the audience through his modulator. (There was also talk of creating the industry's first-ever "Light Sledgehammer" but that was curtailed when DartHHH accidentally severed his own hand when he instinctually placed it over the end when using it.).

Obviously, DartHHH needed a main rival, so whom better to lead the charge than the man who has made Hunter tap out many times before only to be shuffled back down to mid-card for no reason? Umm, ignore that last part. Besides, since Benoit didn’t mind relocating to Atlanta by way of Edmonton, why not just move the family to Tatooine? You know, where the dry desert climate would at least help Benoit’s apparent sinus issues (and prevent anymore stars from receiving any unwanted "farmer’s handkerchiefs.") .

Anyway, now assisted with the force, Benoit's repertoire is THAT much more impressive. (namely his newly adapted Crippler "Cross-force.") His only vulnerability at this point seems to be his reach with the lightsaber-- thanks to his somewhat ill-proportioned arms. "It's a little hard to take him seriously as a swordsman when the saber is maybe two feet away from his chest." said Dean Malenko who asked to remain anonymous.

Unfortunately for the current U.S. Champion, he was recently left with no gimmick when a cameraman accidentally crushed and killed his employer JBL with a specially designed Imperial walker meant to get unique shots from the air. This unfortunate tragedy left Orlando with no onscreen gimmick and really no reason to be still employed.... or alive... well, until George personally took him under his wing, and rechristened Jordan "Orlando Calrissian!" From there, it is said that Lucas decided to fire every African American performer on the roster; because, as in every Star Wars movie, there is only room for one token black guy. Makes sense to me.

WOOOOODA:

Being that he is probably only several birthdays away from the ripe old age of 900 anyway, could there be a better Yoda than the 16 time World Champion (discounting his reigns in the outer rim territories...) Ric Flair? And why not? Dude's been effortlessly carrying giant loads for YEARS anyway--so why not pull a starfighter out of a bog with your mind, too?

That said, this character is actually expected to breathe new life into the now rechristened "60 parsec man"-- whether he's unleashing his patented "Figure Force" leglock, or spouting his *brand-new* catch phrase: "Woo, or Woo not. This is no try." And look out for his graceful exit from the sport where he takes three steps, faceplants, and then disappears forever, leaving only his robe behind! Should be something.

*Stewardesses beware when he asks if you want to see him swing his "lightsaber".

One of the conditions of George's employment was that he find something for "Daddy's little girl" to do. That being said, the PERFECT role has seemingly come about. The DEATH STAR. I mean, think about it. Stephanie has arguably reached a size where she apparently has a gravitational pull anyway, so why not?

Enter the vaunted STEPH STAR, a bulbous mass of destructive energy, that possesses enough firepower to destroy an ENTIRE COMPANY's storyline continuity. It is also said that DartHHH Vader spends most of his free time inside the Steph Star anyway, so it just fit.

Recently , Lucas was said to hold a conference with the WWE cruiserweights and has somehow convinced them that it'd be in their best interests to don the furry costumes. He was said to personally pull Rey Mysterio aside (who is said to be THE perfect fit for the Wicket costume) and asked him to tone down the Lucha style offense, before suggesting that he perhaps try to instead defeat his larger opponents using intricately laid booby-traps like logs and trip-wires.

Thus far, the only complications were Paul London, who was said to suffocate and die while in costume. On a related note, Vince McMahon went on record saying: "So, you say this Paul London person actually worked here?..."

Originally, George Lucas had intentions of making Lita the "Sarlacc"; you know, the huge gaping hole that feeds on men? It was just natural and required no special effects. However, he instead decided to just repackage Lita as "Princess Leia Lotta Guys." He felt it was the obvious choice, because after all, whom better to lead a separatist movement, than a person who separates their legs every chance they get?

-Anyway, thus far, these are the major changes expected to be implemented in the coming weeks. Some of Lucas's other ideas unfortunately have not come to fruition, particularly transforming Muhammad Hassan into "Hassan Solo." Things were said to fall apart when the young Arab American became infuriated when Lucas presented him with his new ship: The Millennium Camel.

Also, Lucas was said to be within inches of rehiring A-Train, approaching the former Albert about being recast as a Wookiee. Things were said to go somewhat awkwardly after Lucas asked Train to return the Chewbacca suit he was wearing to the prop department when he was finished. Albert tried to explain that he hadn’t tried it on yet, and was then seen leaving the scene somewhat hurt.

So, in closing, I think taking on George Lucas is a bold move on the part of the McMahons, but what the hell? It's not like the viewers weren't seemingly leaving for a galaxy far, far away, anyway....