Holy crap! This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to having a job!

…I mean, Hello there, future fans! Joe here, TWF 2005 SATIRE SEARCH winner, and soon-to-be victim of the inevitable lynch mob. I suppose first meetings warrant an introduction, so here goes.

My name is Joe Merrick (yup, nice to meet you too). I’m 18, and I hail from the land of barristers, Queens, Judges with funny wigs, and comedians that are actually funny. Yep, that’s right, the UK. Yeabitch.

"The fuck? They gave the job to a faggy, no-talent, punk-ass limey kid?!’, I hear you cry, in a loud and happy voice. To this, I offer a thoughtful ‘Fuck you’.

Anyway, the first issue I address really should have something to do with wrestling, shouldn’t it? I mean, really…so therefore, I would like to outline, if I may, two things that PISS ME OFF BEYOND BELIEF, in the first ever TWF Low Blow! (Featuring Joe):

HEI! Den. HEIdenied. HEI! DEN! NIED!

It’s common knowledge amongst fans that the LO-freakin’-D are legendary in the business. It’s also common knowledge (as of recently) that nostalgia really is a money maker. Look at the spot with Orton vs. Taker, with Bob Orton using the cast. Or Kamala returning, as well as Jake Roberts, Sgt. Slaughter…LOD got a HUGE crowd reaction when they faced RVD and Kane on RAW. WWE ain’t as stupid as you might think. They know as well that nostalgia = ratings. So, it was inevitable that LOD would be back to gain some ratings. Unfortunately, a problem occurred. One of them went and popped his clogs. So, what do they do to remedy this? They replace one half of the team with a guy who can’t eat chocolate without looking as though he’s been standing behind a farting hippo.

Don’t get me wrong, Heidi is amusing. But all this ‘This is for Hawk’ shit is pissing me right off. There’s paying respects and there’s blatant use of a dead man’s name in an effort to give a shitty angle meaning.

Going on a bit of a rant now (expect a lot of these), I must add that Heidenreich is a COMPLETE PUSSY, and for this I have proof. Let me explain, that I’m a very rough looking dude. Especially for my age. I look like a 37-year old serial killer, and I make Bam Bam Bigelow look like Heath fucking Ledger. Well, for shits and giggles, I decided to submit a pic to be a ‘friend’ of Heidenreich.

I got DENIED.

I thought about this, I mean, there are no kids on the gallery, so who was I offending? Then it hit me. I scare the Bejesus out of a 6’7 psychopath. I can just picture him at a computer….

Heid: AAGH! Bad man! Scary man! Make HEIDENREICH make chocolate in tights!

Cole: there, there, sweetheart, just come back to bed…

I AM-UH the IMMORTAL-UH!

I have a theory of a conspiracy in our midst. Laugh if you will (or throw objects yelling ‘SHUT UP!!’ whatever lights your candle), but I see some merit in it.

HOGAN AND HHH ARE THE SAME PERSON.

Think about it. You honestly thought HHH was just going to walk away, leave RAW and the fans well the hell alone? About the same chance of Val Venis winning a fucking match, mate.

But hasn’t thee noticed that ever since HHH toddled off, Hogan has arguably been the main focus? Check out WWE.com. The headlines were ‘Hogan this, Hogan that’. He’s just a geriatric Hunter. I mean, wasn’t Hogan only supposed to be there for a gimmick storyline? Instead he ends up preventing other wrestlers from having some fucking focus on RAW. He can’t even lift his leg up properly for a big boot!

At this point you’re either thinking ‘hmm, good point, noob’ or ‘you bribed Sean didn’t you?’ Well, take a look at this damning evidence:

Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Hollywood Hulk Hogan

H. H. H. You can’t make this shit up, people! Well, alright maybe you can but that is BESIDES THE POINT. In some ways, Hogan (or HHHogan) is a hell of a lot worse because at least HHH has the decency to fall down or bleed or even SELL for Christ's sake! Hogan just runs, no, waddles around shaking his fists and pointing those orange turds sticking out from his sides (I believe he refers to them as 'pythons') at the audience. YOUR SHIT IS RUINED, BITCH

Well that’s all for today. And so begins my treacherous journey into the depths of opportunity, glory, tastelessness and sexual references (90% provided by Sean) known as TWF.

Toodles

….Can I get my DVD now?