BEHIND THE PYRO: SHAWN MICHAELS
The
show stopper. The main event. The icon that can still go. Grand slam champion. Two-time Royal Rumble winner. Few men in this
business can go resume-to-resume with Shawn Michaels. So they settled for legit beating the piss out of him instead. Tonight,
it’s all here. The belts, the bruises, the bumps, the bullshit. Today’s piece is brought to you by the letter
“B,” the number “9,” and the movie “City Slickers.” As we slam the door on 2004, Shawn
Michaels loses his smile, and finds himself…BEHIND THE PYRO.
Shawn was trained by the legendary Jose Lothario, who most fans remember from his stint in WCW as the masked “Mr. JL.”
Shawn’s big break came when he and Marty Jannetty joined forces as The Midnight Rockers and were pushed to the moon
(well, Minneapolis) in the AWA. Shawn & Marty became famous for having great bloody brawls. Sometimes even against their
opponents! Urban legends state that the lads would beat the holy hell out of each other backstage until the rest of the locker
room pried them apart, cleaned them up, and sent them out to cut a promo together.
After getting stuck in the WWF’s
revolving door for a bit, the boys finally made the big time in 1988. Vince took a long, hard look at The Midnight Rockers
and took the risky gamble of repackaging them as “The Rockers.” WWF yes-men and yes-women alike hailed Vince as
a genius. The Rockers quickly became crowd favorites for having good mullets and good matches. Fans really took to them as
rock stars. At SummerSlam 90, color commentator Roddy Piper even compared them to “Mick Jagger and David Bowie”
after they were squashed by Power & Glory in six minutes.
1990 as a whole was something a dubious year for The
Rockers. They actually beat The Hart Foundation for the Tag Title in late 1990, but the belts were returned to the Harts and
the match was scrubbed from continuity altogether when Vince decided not to fire Jim Neidhart after all. A couple months later,
the lads were 50% of the first team in Survivor Series history to be completely shut out when Shawn & Marty & Jimmy
Snuka & Jake Roberts lost to Rick Martel & Warlord & Hercules & Paul Roma. Suspiciously, these stats were
left off of Shawn’s “superstar profile” at wwe.com.
The Rockers had the greatest tag team split ever in late-1991 when Shawn confronted Marty, clad in an Arthur Fonzerelli black
leather jacket (a sure sign of an impending heel turn). The Shawnz superkicked his longtime partner and pitched him through
a window. Sherri Martel caught Shawn on the rebound and became his manager, officially kicking off Shawn’s singles push
in 1992. It was one of Shawn’s TV matches that finally answered a question about Lord Alfred Hayes that fans had been
asking each other for years.
Gorilla Monsoon: “Give me a break! Sherri has a heart tattoo RIGHT ON HER CHEST!
Do you see that, Your Lordship?
Lord Alfred Gayes: (Horrified) “I DON’T LOOK AT SUCH THINGS!!” (Nervous
laughter)
As the 90s rolled on, “extreme wrestling” and hardcore bumps became all the rage. Shawn was quick
to jump on the bandwagon, in front of no less than 78,000 fans. Shawn battled Rick Martel at SummerSlam 92 in a match that
stipulated “no hitting in face.” As his career rolled on, “Not in the face” became Shawn’s unofficial
catchphrase.
Shawn dropped Sherri and picked up his first official WWF championship when he beat Davey Boy Smith for
the IC strap on the final Saturday Night’s Main Event.
Trivbit: The Shawn-Davey history is the only feud in WWWFE
history that saw one guy beat another guy on three different occasions to win three different championships.
10/27/92:
Shawn pinned Davey to win his first IC Title.
5/25/97: Shawn & Steve Austin beat Davey & Owen Hart to win
the World Tag Title.
9/20/97: Shawn beat Davey to win the European Title.
So what happens when you become
successful? Your old buddies come out of the woodwork to get in on the gravy train. Marty Jannetty returned and was supposed
to win the IC strap from Shawn at the Royal Rumble 93 (and thus, lead to a switchback at WM9), but…well, Jerry Lawler
put it best in a radio interview:
“One guy showed up drunk, and the other guy won the match.”
Trivbit:
The first championship match in Raw history saw HBK successfully defend his IC Title against Max Moon on the debut episode
of Raw (1/11/93).
Shawn’s value to the company was evident as he curtain-jerked three Wrestlemanias in a row
(WM7 – WM9). His record still stands to this day. Shawn was also instrumental to those early Monday Night Raw shows,
with his in-your-face attitude and state-of-the-art-workrate. New York fans thanked him by loudly chanting “Shawn in
gay.”
Trivbit: The first title change in Raw history saw Marty finally beat Shawn for the IC Title on 5/17/93
when Curt Hennig interfered on MJ’s behalf. This happened on the same night that saw Sean Waltman kickstart his WWF
career with one of wrestling’s best-remembered upsets over Razor Ramon. The two surprise wins established Raw’s
“anything-can-happen” atmosphere, which propelled the show into becoming the consistently highest-rated weekly
show in the history of cable television. 
HBK regained the IC belt, and then was stripped of it a couple months later. Somewhere in there, he also had the single most
disappointing match in SummerSlam history when he beat Curt Henning on a countout in 1993. Shawn eventually returned to the
land of milk and honey (and drugs! Don’t forget the drugs), but by this time, lucha libre superstar Razor Ramon had
claimed the IC Title for himself. This led to a ladder match at WMX. Given the task of following such classics as Earthquake
vs. Adam Bomb, and Bam Bam & Luna vs. Doink & Dink, the boys had their work cut out for them. They performed adequately
enough, though the true star was the ladder (now retired).
Shawn was supposed to win the WWF World Title at WM11, but
he didn’t. Then he was supposed to win the King Of The Ring tournament at KOTR 95, but he didn’t. He WASN’T
supposed to get the shit beat out of him in a Syracuse nightclub, but he did.
One of wrestling’s best-remembered
real streetfights saw Shawn attacked outside a Syracuse nightclub. There is an old school mentality that states that if a
wrestler loses a legit fight to a non-wrestler, he has disgraced the business. Over in TNA, Kid Kash recently communicated
this to Johnny Devine and Andy Douglas. The incident with the Syracuse Seamen caused Shawn’s reputation as a creampuff
to reach such amazing levels, he actually became a spokesperson for Little Debbie Snack Cakes in Switzerland.
Shawn
persevered, however, marching on to win the boring 1996 Royal Rumble, and thus, achieving his boyhood dream by making it to
the World Title match at WM12 (we’ll just pretend that the previous year’s boyhood dream didn’t happen).
True story: I actually flew from Vegas to Anaheim for the Bret-Shawn Ironman match. The crowd HATED it. As the match rolled
on, it was obvious that they underbooked the hell out of this beast, with no falls until the “sudden death” close-out.
For a WM main event, the lack of heat was just plain unsettling until the easy pop when Shawn won the strap.
Lady Luck
gave Shawn a bad case of genital warts in 1996. As the top dog of the WWF, the blame fell on his head when Raw got murdered
in the ratings by Nitro when the nWo broke out huge. The stress was multiplied when Vince had the bright idea of booking Shawn
and Sid to do a double-switchback over the World Title. (Kinda like Morales-Muraco, only worse. And dumber.)
Then,
the unthinkable happened. Shawn lost his smile. The industry ground to a halt. An unhappy professional wrestler?? Such a thing
was unheard of!
Bret vs. HBK was set for WM13, but clearly, the ring was no place for a smile-less grappler.
With
Shawn out of the picture, the deck was reshuffled to Bret vs. Austin, which turned out to be a five-star classic, and the
single greatest match in WM history. It was also the catalyst for wrestling’s greatest double-turn ever, which kicked
off a creative high point for the company that they have yet to equal. Good job, Boy Toy.
Shawn won his third WWF World Title when he
made Bret Hart submit to a sharpshooter at Survivor Series 97. There is absolutely nothing more to this story.
Shawn’s
career hit a speed bump when he speedily bumped off a casket at RR98. This left him as a question mark for the next month’s
PPV. This left the WWF with a dilemma. Who could they turn to who could equal the charisma and main-event quality of Shawn
Michaels? Why, Savio Vega of course! Kwang-No-More filled in for HBK in the main event of the first No Way Out PPV on 2/15/98.
(This part actually happened, sadly.) The Wrestling Lariat was first on the scene to cover this event with the headline “Which
Way Out?” Insiders say that Shawn’s association 
with Los Boricuas led to him finding Jesus years later.
Shawn then lost the World Title to fellow cripple Steve
Austin at WM14 in a cortisone-on-a-corner match. It would be his last WWF match for four years. Still though, at least it
was better than the Aluminum Man match from WM12.
You always become what you most hate. I guess that means I’ll
one day turn into a big-nosed prima donna who is married to a dumb broad with big fake gazongas. Actually, that doesn’t
sound so bad, but I digress. The point is that Shawn sold out to “the man” and became WWF Commissioner in late-1998.
Did he usurp Sarge? Did they ever tell us? What do you think?
The most idiotic public comments of Shawn’s career
came after SummerSlam 99 (which saw Mankind win a triple-threat over Steve Austin & HHH to capture the World Title). Shawn
actually criticized Austin for not jobbing the gold to HHH directly. Hey, just for shits and giggles, let’s see what
Shawn’s own track record looks like in the “putting the other guy over for a title” department.
Shawn
Michaels WWF Title Loss #1: Shawn lost the IC Title to Marty Jannetty on Raw when Curt Hennig interfered and cost HBK the
match. Michaels regained the strap la couple weeks later (1993).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #2: Shawn was stripped
of the IC Title (1993).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #3: Shawn & Diesel vacated the World Tag Title when they
split up. Shawn threw his belt into the trash for good measure (1994).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #4: Shawn forfeited
the IC Title to Dean Douglas after getting his ass kicked in a nightclub (IYH 4, 1995).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss
#5: Shawn lost the World Title to Sid (Survivor Series 96) so he could win it back two months later in front of his hometown
crowd (Royal Rumble 97).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #6: Shawn lost his smile and vacated the World Title (Thursday
Raw Thursday, 2/13/97).
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #7: The World Tag Title was held up when Shawn tried to get
out of his contract after Bret beat his pansy ass. Shawn & Steve Austin were champs at the time (1997).
Shawn
Michaels WWF Title Loss #8: Shawn was supposed to lose the Euro Title to Owen Hart to set up a Shawn-Owen program for the
World Title. Shawn said no. So then “Plan B” was for Shawn to lose the Euro belt to HHH, so HHH could in turn
lose it to Owen. So what happened was a joke of a match where HBK laid down for Frankenschnozz in 1997. (Kinda like Hogan’s
finger vs. Nash’s chest a year later.) Oh, and for those of you keeping score, HHH didn’t lose the belt to Owen,
either. Instead he had Goldust come out as “Hunterdust” and wrestle Owen in his place. Owen beat HD and Commissioner
Slaughter ruled that it was a surrogate title defense, so the belt changed hands. HHH then won it back from Owen a week before
WM14.
Shawn Michaels WWF Title Loss #9: Shawn lost the World Title to Austin clean (WM14). This was the only time
Shawn ever lost a WWF title in an honest-to-God (who Shawn now supposedly worships) wrestling match, and didn’t win
it back right away.
Naturally, Shawn’s comments about Austin/HHH went over like a narc in a locker room, and
he was back in the company doghouse again.
Somewhere in here, Shawn found his smile, and everything was rainbows and
lollipops again. It turned out that his smile was hiding vertically in the hot pants of Nitro Girl Whisper. First place he
shoulda looked.
At Taboo Tuesday (10/19/04), the show-stopping main-eventing
headliner headlined the main event of the worst-grossing PPV show in WWWFE history.
Don’t worry, though, the young
guy (Randy Orton) and the old guy (Ric Flair) will get the blame because their match went on last. And so the dance of Shawn
Michaels continues…
So no matter what you think of Shawn Michaels, his talent and his resilience are second to
none. After all, even when you beat the insides out of a creampuff, it still springs back into shape.
-HDS-
***
And now as a special bonus, here is one of my most popular trivia six-packs ever.
"WHO WANTS TO BEAT THE CRAP OF SHAWN MICHAELS?" TRIVIA – THE QUESTIONS:
Let's talk
HBK. To date, Shawn Michaels is the only "grand slam" champion in WWF history (i.e., he's the only wrestler to ever hold the
WWF World, IC, Euro and Tag titles -- until Hunter wins the Tag straps by himself, anyway). Michaels has headlined every major
WWF PPV, and you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who produced more four-star-plus PPV matches in his day. His place in the
WWF Hall Of Fame is a lock. So why does everyone always want to beat the crap out of him? Here's a six-pack about HBK-beatings
(and the results thereof), which almost edged baseball as our National pastime in the 90s.
1) How To Win Friends And
Influence People. Chapter One; Don't Do This. Which WWF tag team roughed up HBK in the locker room, circa late-95? 
2) Here he comes to save the day! Yeah, right. Notice how The Sandman went through his full five-minute beer-drinking
intro before making a save? Meanwhile, the guy he's supposed to be saving is getting the bodily fluids knocked out of him
while Sandy is busy smoking and standing on guardrails. Sandy might as well have been hanging' with HBK that fateful night
in late '95 when HBK was beaten up, down, and all points in between by "nine Syracuse thugs" (well, only one guy actually
beat up HBK, but because Shawn is a WWF superstar, we'll forgive the spin doctoring). Now then, which two wrestlers actually
were with HBK when this happened (for all the good they did)?
3) As a result of the smackdown in Syracuse, HBK forfeited his IC title to Dean Douglas at IYH 4. Well, actually, Douglas
had heat with the Clique and HBK didn't want to put him over. Had things gone according to plan (jeez, how many trivia questions
start with that prefix, anyway?), Douglas would have beaten HBK for the IC and later challenged World champ HBK in 1996, under
the premise that Douglas had already beaten HBK for a title. Hmmmm...heel beats face for the WWF IC belt. Face later goes
on to win the WWF World title. Heel then challenges World champion face as "the only man to have beaten him for a title in
the past." Why does this sound familiar? Probably because it was the exact same premise for a World title feud several years
earlier. Name the participants.
4) When a Syracuse thug beats you, dammit, you stay beat! HBK vacated the WWF World title in 2/97, claiming to have "lost
his smile." This premise was later goofed on by a certain wrestler in a WWF PPV angle (i.e., someone else "lost their smile"
when something very specific happened). What the hell am I talking about?
5) In 1997, our real-life Mikey Whipwreck vowed to Vince McMahon "I'll never work for your (expletive deleted) ass again"
and tried to get out of his WWF contract by claiming an "unsafe work environment" after - you guessed it! - someone beat the
crap out of him. Two-part question: Who was the beater this time out and how did this incident alter the WWF title picture
at the time?
6) For all intents and purposes, HBK's career-ending bump was during his 1998 Royal Rumble World title casket match against
The Undertaker. What happened?
The tough part was only doing six,
Harry
*
"WHO WANTS TO BEAT THE CRAP OF SHAWN MICHAELS?" TRIVIA - THE ANSWERS
1) How To Win Friends
And Influence People. Chapter One; Don't Do This. Which WWF tag team roughed up HBK in the locker room, circa late-95?
2) Here he comes to save the day! Yeah, right. Notice how The Sandman went through his full five-minute beer-drinking
intro before making a save? Meanwhile, the guy he's supposed to be saving is getting the bodily fluids knocked out of him
while Sandy is busy smoking and standing on guardrails. Sandy might as well have been hangin' with HBK that fateful night
in late '95 when HBK was beaten up, down, and all points in between by "nine Syracuse thugs" (well, only one guy actually
beat up HBK, but because he's a WWF superstar, we'll forgive the spin doctoring). Now then, which two wrestlers actually were
with HBK when this happened (for all the good they did)?
A: "British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith & Sean "1-2-3 Kid/X-Pac"
Waltman. I guess they're useless OUTSIDE the ring, too.
3) As a result of the smackdown in Syracuse, HBK forfeited his IC title to Dean Douglas at IYH 4. Well, actually, Douglas
had heat with the Clique and HBK didn't want to put him over. Had things gone according to plan (jeez, how many trivia questions
start with that prefix, anyway?), Douglas would have beaten HBK for the IC and later challenged World champ HBK in 1996, under
the premise that Douglas had already beaten HBK for a title. Hmmmm...heel beats face for the WWF IC belt. Face later goes
on to win the WWF World title. Heel then challenges World champion face as "the only man to have beaten him for a title in
the past." Why does this sound familiar?
A: Because it's the exact same premise that allowed former IC champion Rick
Rude to chase World champion The Ultimate Warrior in 1990. According to a published Douglas interview, this was to also be
the plan for the Dean to chase World champ Shawn in 1996. Who knows?
4) When a Syracuse thug beats you, dammit, you stay beat! HBK vacated the WWF World title in 2/97, claiming to have "lost
his smile." This premise was later goofed on by a certain wrestler in a WWF PPV angle (i.e., someone else "lost their smile"
when something very specific happened). What the hell am I talking about?
5) In 1997, our real-life Mikey Whipwreck vowed to Vince McMahon "I'll never work for your ass again" and tried to get
out of his WWF contract by claiming an "unsafe work environment" after - you guessed it! - someone beat the crap out of him.
Who was the culprit and how did this alter the title picture at the time?
A: Tonight's designated Shawn-beater was
Bret Hart. This was the day after the 1997 King Of The Ring PPV, and it resulted in both men being pulled from that night's
Raw. Also, Michaels & Austin were WWF Tag champs at the time. Michaels flew home and changed his phone number (yes, really).
The Tag straps were then held up, decided when the winners of a quick tournament (who turned out to be Owen Hart & Davey
Boy Smith) faced Austin and a partner of his choosing. This was the night that Foley debuted the Dude Love character and captured
the first of his eight WWF Tag titles.
6) For all intents and purposes, HBK's career-ending bump was during his 1998 Royal Rumble World title casket match against
The Undertaker. What happened?
A: HBK was backdropped over the top rope, hitting the small of his back right on the
edge of the casket. Ouch.
So who wants to beat the crap out of Shawn Michaels? Judging from the response I got, damn near everyone.
Originally
posted on www.wrestlingobserver.com in April, 2001.
Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer
who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the
Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay
in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing
for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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