Coming soon! The Hogans are just your
average All-American family. Only with the inherent ability
to absorb heavy punishment and pick up extremely heavy
objects...
From the people who brought you The Osbournes, comes
Hogan Knows Best! A real look at the day to day
life, and pitfalls of the world’s most famous
professional wrestler, and his family. Hogan Knows
Best looks at the Hogans home life, from the
perspective of the stark raving Hulkster himself;
from his nagging wife, Linda, badgering The Hulkster
to do more around the house:
Linda: "
If you can bodyslam a 700 pound Giant, surely you
can take the garbage out!"
Hulk: "Get off my barn door back, Linda!"
From there, enter his two teenage children,
Brooke, 16; who the overprotective Hulk refuses
to let date, mostly due to her natural
biological inclination to rip her shirt off; all
the way to Nasty Nick,14, who despite his best
intentions, possesses an all too trusting nature
that leads to many of his friends inexplicably
turning on him…
Each week, we’ll get a window into the life of
the Hulkster, as he deals with a slew of
everyday problems, from paying his bills, to
slamming morbidly obese people. This summer, be
sure to tune into the ONLY reality programming
that matters, Hogan Knows Best!
Episode 1: “Brooke of Love”- Part 1:
Brooke's date with pop star boyfriend Aaron
Carter goes awry when the young man gets too
frisky, causing the Hulkster to go berserk.
 What we can expect: After what is seemingly a wholesome evening, the two
lovebirds exchange an extremely awkward
handshake, as a strange voice is heard yelling
out: “The Madness meets the Mania!” From there,
Aaron decides to go for second base, attempting
to grope Brooke, who in turn blocks the three
consecutive advances, then punches Aaron several
times, before having him run face first into her
foot and dropping the leg. Hulk, who was
listening from the bushes (hand no doubt cupped
to ear) hears of Aaron’s randiness (not Savage)
and goes insane, chasing after Aaron’s speeding
Porsche and leaping onto the hood! Aaron is then
unfortunately caught, bodyslammed, and killed.
Episode 2: Brooke of Love Part 2:
Distraught over the fact that her boyfriend
Aaron was destroyed by the incredibly stiff
offense of the Hulkster; she is unfortunately
now left without a prom date as the big day
approaches. And if this isn’t bad enough, she
wakes up the morning of the big event with a
giant semi-circle of scalp where her long blond
locks used to be! Hulk then gently explains to
her that male pattern baldness is nothing to be
ashamed of. Ultimately, Hulk arranges for Nasty
Boy Brian Knobbs to be her date that evening,
and hilarity ensues as he rubs Brooke’s face
into his ample armpit while attempting to attach
her corsage.
Episode 3- Hulk’s Giant Cock!: Hulk's pet
rooster downs anabolic steroids, transforming it
into an unrelenting monster, and terrifying the
quaint Florida neighborhood.
What we can expect: Tragedy strikes when The
Hogan family’s beloved pet rooster devours a
cocktail of Hulkster-sized anabolics, causing
the now 8 foot cock to become as radio-active as
the Hulkster himself!
After Hulk pleads with the
monstrous chicken to come to its senses, Hulk
unfortunately makes the hard choice to take him
down after the rooster tears off Hulk’s shirt
and crucifix in the ultimate act of betrayal!
One scoop slam and leg droppage later, all is
right with the family again, as they cope with
the loss by enjoying a nice chicken dinner (for
the next 400 consecutive days.).
Episode 4: In Hulk We Trust: An exasperated President Bush
turns the reigns of Presidency over to The
Hulkster, who in turn ends the war in the gulf
by airing his match with Sgt. Slaughter, as
terrified Iraqi’s immediately surrender, praying
to Allah that they too don’t suffer a similar
fate.
What we can expect: Hulk, shocks the country by
painting the white house “red and yellow” before
explaining his controversial actions in a press
conference. Hogan is also grilled on the tough
issues, including abortion, social security, and
even euthanasia, confusing the crowd with his
explanation of the latter topic: "Why should
I limit myself to just the youths in Asia, man?
Hulkamania knows no bounds, dude! The Little
Hulksters are EVERYWHERE, man!"
 Episode 5: Red & Yellow
Versus Red & Evil:
Nasty Nick unwittingly opens a Hellgate in the
Hogans backyard, forcing The Hulkster to journey
to the underbelly of Hell and face all the
forces of darkness and despair!
What we can expect:Nasty Nick curiously plays the
song "I want to be a Hulkamaniac" backwards,
which unfortunately opens an inter-dimensional
portal, and starts an unholy war between Hell
and Earth! Hulk eventually takes matters into
his own hands, journeying into the pits of Hell
itself and dispatching Satan with the
unstoppable Hulk Hogan offense! (Special cameo
by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who poses
with Hulk after the battle of Armageddon)
Rumored Future Episodes:
Hulk battles the Tsunami: Hogan is brought into
deal with the Tsunami disaster based on his
uncanny past successes against natural disasters
(Earthquake & Typhoon respectively.) After much
struggle, (and after prophesying it at
Wrestlemania 4) Hulk carries many victims to
safety aboard his “barn door back.”
 Hell in a Blood Cell:
After years of injecting himself with God knows
what, it’s Hulk himself who gets injected into
the body of a cancer patient after being shrunk
down to microscopic proportions, in an attempt
to annihilate the bad cells from the inside out,
and destroy the disease forever.
It’s a race against the clock, as the Hogans
begin to panic at the prospect of the Hulkster
returning to full size and in essence blowing up
the patient (much like the Hulk himself after
the 20 minute mark.)Ultimately though,
the AWESOME power of HULKAMANIA…and additional
chemo…. get the job done!
Check your local listings and stay tuned to VH1
for more HOGAN KNOWS BEST!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears
those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal
Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS. |
