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CLUSTERSHMAZZ!

 
RETRO RECAPITATION:
ECW GANGSTA’S PARADISE
ECW Home Video
1 hour, 40 minutes
Taped 9/16/95 at the ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA

 
This was an important show for E-C-dub, as it was their first show at the Bingo Hall since Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, and Dean Malenko split for WCW.  Did Paul E and the survivors have what it took to keep the fans popping?

 1) Bull Pain pinned The Broad Street Bully at 8:13. 
 
BSB used his hockey stick, Bull used a chair, and announcer Joey Styles mocked Jim Ross.  Bull DDTed BSB through part of a table at ringside (#1).  Joey helpfully suggested that a fun way to watch an ECW show was to count the number of broken tables.  Joey further calculated that the number of broken tables on an ECW show equaled the number of screwjobs on a WCW PPV.  How could you not dig this promotion?  I think I’ll take Joey up on his offer during this review.  The restless crowd started chanting “boring.”  Bull hit a nice flying clothesline off the apron to the floor.  BSB immediately came back and attacked him with a chair.  There’s that legendary ECW no-selling in action.  Bull sat BSB in said chair and ran the length of the apron with a terrible clothesline.  Fans chanted “Bull Shit.”  What took ‘em so long?  Bull lifted BSB into a piledriver-like position and dropped him torso-first onto the rail.  BSB, clearly the world’s most invulnerable man, immediately recovered and hit Bull with somebody’s beverage.  BSB bungled a sequence through the ropes, earning a “you fucked up” chant.  Bull hit a superplex off the top, which got some applause from the minority of fans.  Nice finish saw Bull drag BSB from the apron into the ring in suplex position, then plant him with a gourdbuster for the pin.  Uninspired brawl with plenty of lousy-looking spots.  (Chris)
 
 
2) D.W. & Dudley Dudley (w/ Chubby & Big Dick & Sign Guy Dudley) squashed Donn E. Allen & Chad Austin at 4:48. 
 
Okay, 50 words or less, exactly what the hell did Chubby Dudley add to the act?  Can anyone tell me?  Didn’t think so.  DWD, on the other hand, was the star of the Dudleys before Buh Buh and D-Von came along.  DWD started before tagging in Dudley Dudley (whose gimmick, by the way, was that he was the only legitimate Dudley boy, and thus, the leader of the team).  This match featured the debut of one of my favorite fan signs: “CONDOMS PREVENT DUDLEYS.”  DD beat on Austin at ringside while DWD whomped Allen in the ring.  A table was broken somewhere in this (#2).  Finish saw DWD slam Allen to set up DD’s pin after a “sloppy splash” off the top.  (Waldo)
 
 
3) Hack Myers beat J.T. Smith via countout.  4:58 aired from what was a 10-minute match. 
 
Before the match, JTS took the mic and demanded that fans chant “shah” for him instead of Hack (they chanted that every time Hack hit an offensive move).  Kinda like the old Iron Sheik “no say U-S-A” spiel.  JTS, who was doing a “klutz” gimmick, did a spot where he slipped off the ropes while yelling at the fans.  Brawl went into the crowd where Hack backdropped out of a piledriver attempt.  That got ‘em an “ECW” chant.  JTS went up for a moonsault, but accidentally-on-purpose fell off the top and went through a table at ringside (#3), getting himself counted out.  Ring announcer Bob Artese wrongly said it was a “disqualification.”  What aired was not good, and those were the highlights??  (Chris)
 

 
4) Jason & The Eliminators beat Taz & The Steiners. 
 
A measly 3:18 aired from this 20-minute match.  Too Cold Scorpio cheapshotted Taz to start the match.  Angle was Taz wanted revenge on Scorpio for breaking his neck, but Scorp struck up some kind of deal with Jason and the Elims.  They teased a 4-on-1, but the Steiners “had Taz’s back.”  Finish saw Scorp do a run-in and kick Taz in the back of the head, allowing Jason to get the fluke pin.  Most of the highlights consisted of the Einsteiners throwing around the Elims.  Not sure why Heyman thought it was a good idea to show clips of the team that was in for a one-shot deal beating the hell out of ECW’s next big tag team, but whatthehellever.  No rating.  Whereas the almost-five minutes of Hack-JT at least told the story of their match, this was just a jumbled up clipfest.  Too bad, as the full match was probably good.  Especially had they shown the Elims, oh I dunno, GET IN SOME OFFENSE.  Who knows?  Maybe the Steiners only agreed to the match if no footage of them selling would see the light of day.  Wrestlers can be strange like that.  Still though, the fact that this was sliced and diced while we were “treated” to the full Bull Pain vs. Broad Street Bully match goes down like a Mark Henry hoagie.
 

 
5) The Pitbulls beat Raven & Stevie Richards (w/ Beulah) to win the ECW Tag Title in a 2/3 falls double-dog-collar match.
 
Had the Pits lost, they would have had to split up. 19:46 total was shown, as commercial breaks separated the falls when the match aired on ECW TV.

This was the match that saw months of angles beautifully come to a head. The bout started with Raven and Pitbull #2, as they did an angle where Richards ditched the match. Pitbull #1 went to the back and dragged “The King Of Swing” out into the ring. In a quickie, Raven pinned PB2 at 2:10 after piledriving him through a table (#4) in one of the best-looking table spots you’ll ever see. PB2 evened it up by pinning Richards at 4:19 after a superbomb through another table (#5) in one of the OTHER best-looking table spots you’ll ever see. It was almost like they wanted to get the first two falls out of the way so everything could explode in the decider.

The Dudleys (disciples of Raven) ran-in and attacked the Pits.  The Duds helped R&R superbomb the Pits. In a convoluted follow-up, the Pits no-sold their own finisher (huh?) and gave all the heels a contrived-as-hell-looking double-double-DDT. The Pits superbombed the Duds, which was kinda dumb to me. If the Pits are your new champs, why have them decimate their first logical challengers before they even win the damn belts in the first place?

The Pits superbombed Raven for a nearfall, but they came up just shy of the table, and Rave’s skull clipped the table’s edge in a scary-looking visual. Raven smothered PB2 with an ether-soaked rag. Joey fired off his classic “Take that crap to Smoky Mountain” line. Raven tried to put PB2 through double-decker tables at ringside, but the top table wouldn’t cooperate (or break). On the second try, Raven put PB2 through the bottom table (#6), salvaging the spot as best as could be expected.  PB1 crotched Richards and suplex-slammed him through another table (#7).  Francine attacked Beulah for the catfight. Raven DDT’ed Francine.

With PB2 out of the match, Tommy Dreamer ran-in and chained himself to Raven, continuing their feud. Dreamer kneedropped Raven’s nest and gave him a DDT for the clean pin (first time TD ever pinned Raven in the Bingo Hall). I know what you’re thinking. As great as their feud was, it’s not terribly heroic for your fresh-as-a-daisy babyface to run-in out of nowhere and pin his archrival. That was the whole point. It was a tease. Pennsylvania State Athletic Commission referee Bill Alfonso (w/ sometimes-bodyguard Big Dick Dudley) ran-in and disallowed TD’s pin. Fonzie was tremendous as the uberheel referee. Fonzie tried to bring order to the chaos, with the gimmick that the chokeslam was banned, and if any wrestler laid a hand on him, he’d shut down the promotion.

“Extreme Commissioner” Todd Gordon ran-in for this angle-within-a-match and argued with Fonzie. Fonzie shoved Todd, prompting TD to leap to Todd’s defense. Well, he did literally leap up when Big Dick chokeslammed him. Fonzie posthumously reinstated the chokeslam for “tonight only.” So naturally, this opened the door for 911 to run-in and do what does best. When 911 chokeslammed Fonzie, reports at the time said it was the loudest pop in the history of the ECW Arena (!!).

After that, they went straight to the finish as PB2 ran-in to rejoin the match. 911 and TD helped stack Richards on Raven’s shoulders for a “super-duper-bomb.” It wasn’t so much a “bomb” as it was a “plop,” but still, there was only so much they could do to top themselves at this point. The Pits double-pinned R&R as Todd and TD counted the fall. The place erupted.

This was ECW at its finest. Simply put, this was the best-booked match I’ve ever seen and, IMO, the single most definitive ECW match ever. If there was any doubt about ECW’s future after the Benoit/Guerrero/Malenko “acquisition,” this match showed that ECW was still alive and well.  A must-see. (FRITZ)
 

 
6) Rey Misterio Jr. pinned Psicosis at 10:18. 
 
Didn’t think anything could follow the previous match, didja?  You weren’t alone.  Looking back, only these two against each other could have possibly been up to the task.  Storyline seemed to be that Psi was using his size to manhandle Rey, but he just couldn’t seem to put RMJ away.  The two pulled out one innovative move after another and had the appreciative crowd in the palms of their hands.  Rey started his comeback with a picture-perfect springboard hurracanrana that you have to see at least once before you die.  These two worked so smoothly together, they really looked like they were immune to gravity altogether.  Rey hit a springboard plancha into the second row, earning a monster “ECW” chant.  Finish saw Psi shove Rey off the top rope, but when he climbed up himself, Rey scrambled up and caught him with a hurracanrana off the top for the pin.  Standing O from the crowd.  I consider this the most important lucha match in my lifetime, because it showed America just how great lucha-style wrestling could be.  This match was simply amazing, and it holds up 10 years after the fact.  Here you had two of the greatest luchadores ever in their primes totally tearing down the house.  You could almost FEEL them becoming superstars in the U.S. as the crowd pops kept getting bigger and bigger.  Another must-see, and combining this with the previous Tag Title match made for arguably the best diverse one-two punch on a single show in American history.  (FRITZ)
 
 
 
 
As Joey raved about the previous match, he was informed that there was some ruckus backstage involving New Jack and The Public Enemy.  They threw to the back just in time to see New Jack punch out the camera.  I love ECW angles and all, but sorry, I’m just never going to be able to suspend my disbelief long enough to buy New Jack as camera-shy.  So Joey threw to the ECW Fan Cam backstage as Plan B.  We got a glimpse of Johnny Grunge yelling before Fan Cam took a dump, too.  Joey demanded that his own personal camera-bitch follow him backstage so they could get to the bottom of things.  While they scampered off, the schedule for then-future ECW dates flashed on the screen.  Why they included that part on a home video destined to be around long after those events had already passed is another mystery.
 
Okay, we’re finally backstage in the thick of things.  Jack and Johnny were having a shouting match while Rocco Rock stood there looking goofy.  A pull-apart ensued.  As Joey did his best Charlie Minn impersonation, he noticed Steve Austin was standing above him in a ripped yellow tank top.  Austin cut a frenetic promo in full Hogan style, vowing that “Steve-a-mania” would run wild.  The real punchline is that he was 100% right.  When Austin broke out as WWF World champion in 1998, he became the single highest-grossing wrestler of all freakin’ time.
 

 
7) Mikey Whipwreck & The Public Enemy beat ECW World champion The Sandman (w/ Woman) & ECW TV champion Too Cold Scorpio (replacing Mustafa Saied) & New Jack in a “Gangsta’s Paradise” cage match with weapons at 15:08.
 
Mikey came out with dreads in TPE gear.  The back of TPE’s jerseys advertised “The Mac Daddies Of Violence,” while Mikey’s said “Help Me…Not.”  Woulda been funnier had they just left it at “Help Me.”  This was during the classic ECW angle where Mikey asked TPE to help him become a scumbag so he would be appropriately equipped to beat Sandman at his own game.  During their intro, Mikey hugged ring announcer Bob Artese, and in doing so, mugged him, taking his wallet and watch.  TPE were proud of their protégé and a hoodie group hug ensued.
 
As the heels came out, Joey put over the significance of the World champ and TV champ being on the same team.  ECW always – and I mean ALWAYS – put over their gold like it was well, gold.  Scorp was a ringer for Mustafa Saied, who was the Neidhart/Jannetty/Stevie Ray of the Gangstas tag team.  So this was a “Gangsta’s Paradise” match at an event called “Gangsta’s Paradise,” yet only one Gangsta was in the main event.  Fair’s fair, if WCW had pulled something like this, ECW would have been all over them for it.  Then again, had WCW pulled something like this, it would have been infinitely better than 90% of the crap they DID pull on PPV.  (45 days after this event, the Giant fell off the roof of Cobo Hall, but returned to help the Yeti make a manwich out of Hulk Hogan with their “double bearhug” at Halloween Havoc 95, but I digress.)
 
New Jack worked the mic as only he can, followed by Rocco calling Woman a “raggedy-ass ho.”  Actually, she looked pretty damn good tonight.  Anyway, this was a wild brawl as you’d expect.  Woman periodically slid Sandman’s Singapore cane into the cage to jab at Sandy’s opponents.  Yeah, that wasn’t suggestive or anything.  Johnny and Jack both juiced, and left the cage to do the Bingo Hall Brawl.  They wound up fighting by the famed Eagle’s Nest (where Joey broadcasted from).  Back in the ring, Mikey hit a nice flying hurracanrana off the top onto Sandy, who pretty much no-sold and suplexed a table onto Mikey, Foley-style.  Scorp was handing out superkicks like GHB at a wrestler’s daughter’s slumber party.  Rocco accosted Sandy with a frying pan.
 
Spot of the match saw Scorp and Rocco struggle on the top of the cage, ultimately falling together through three tables that were stacked in a pyramid.  One table only broke off at the corner, so Rocco obligingly dropkicked Sandy, who sent himself through it to complete the matching set (#8-10).  TPE double-suplexed Sandy for the old “Rockerplex” spot as Mikey came off the top with a crossbody to complete the move.  False finish saw Mikey gave Sandy a Frankenmikey from the top of the cage while Sandy was standing on the top turnbuckle for a nearfall.  Mikey sold frustration for a bit, then came off the top of the cage with a splash onto Sandy for the pin.  Jimmy Snuka it wasn’t, but Joey still excitedly put over the fact that Mikey just pinned the champ.
 
After the match, Sandman managed to lock himself in the cage with Mikey.  Woman passed him the cane and Mikey was again his redheaded stepchild for the night.  Sandy braced his cane in one of the corners, then leapt off the cane to drop a leg on Mikey.  TPE finally chased off Sandy.  Johnny put over Mikey by saying “Heyyyyy, champ,” accurately suggesting Mikey would be the next champ.  The “house party” celebration started, but the heels came back to poop the party.  Scorp climbed the cage, so Mikey suplexed him into the ring.  Next thing you know, Mikey was caning Sandy at ringside.  When Scorp jumped out of the cage, he crashed into one of the security guys and instinctively legit punched him, thinking a fan hopped the rail.  Ah well, at least he still has a big dong (according to Mick Foley).  Joey signed off as the carnage made its way down the aisle.  As far as ECW-style garbage matches went, this one was entertaining, if a little clustershmazzy.  (David)

 
Final number of broken tables = 10
 
Overall over-analysis: Four forgettable matches, one annoying butcher job (the Steiners six-man), and two full-blown “must-see” classics.  Sure, losing Benoit/Guerrero/Malenko hurt, but this show was proof positive that Paul would always have something up his sleeve to get fans on their feet chanting their three favorite letters.  For that reason alone, this show stands tall as one of the most important nights in ECW’s all-too-brief history.
 
As far as finding a copy, good luck.  ECW releases in good quality are a bitch to hunt down, but this one is definitely worth the effort.  Come on, where else can you see a show with New Jack, Rey Jr., The Eliminators, Raven, Mikey Whipwreck, The Steiners, Psicosis, Sandman, Taz, and Steve Austin doing a Hogan spoof?
 
This Observer’s Thumb……………………is up.
 
-HDS-

 
Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
 
 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).