V8(ahhhhh) – “8 Mile” starring John Cena.

Welcome to the latest edition of DONE – now 20% more occasional!

Have you noticed how every title has gone to hell in the WWE? Think about it. On RAW, you’ve got Cade and Murdoch as tag champs, Umaga as the IC champ and Candice Michelle as the Women’s Champ. Over on Smackdown it’s even worse with Horn-fucking-swaggle as the Cruiserweight champ (?!) and The Great Khali as the World Heavyweight Champ (???!!).

Call me crazy but if I were running a wrestling promotion, I would want my title holders to be useful outside the ring as well as inside. Can you imagine if we have another incident like last month and these freaks had to appear on Larry King Live?

LARRY: Umaga, how did you first get into wrestling?

UMAGA: LORMAFAGATANDA FORTU! ARGWELIT VA SAMOA!

LARRY : Fascinating. Hornswaggle, as a performer with a genetic disability, do you find the wrestling schedule to be too much for you?

HORNSWAGGLE: YEEEEEE TIITTAA YATATA TA BE SURE TA BE SURE!

LARRY: Hmmmm, yes. Khali, do you believe a wrestler can live a long and healthy life?

KHALI: BLARGHUL YUWALKA MINDAD!

ANNOYING TRANSLATOR: The Great Khali says your question is heavily inappropriate, and would like to direct you to Section 18-G of the WWE wellness program, which states a wrestler is to be tested for illegal narcotics at random or he will face suspension and prosecution from the proper authorities. With this in mind, a wrestler must choose whether he should take the risk of injecting illegal substances into his body.

LARRY: He said all that in ten syllables?

KHALI: (clears throat)

ANNOYING TRANSLATOR: (laughs) The Great Khali says it reminds him of a witty anecdote he heard while spending last summer inPrague…

Anyway, as sick as I am of John Cena (who’s slowly closing in on Triple H’s record of burying the most talent within his WWE title reign), he is the best talent currently holding a WWE belt. Sure, he could use a few more moves in his arsenal of shoulder blocks, and he could stop getting his comebacks from Wayne’s World, but whether you love or hate him (Christ, I’m starting to sound like JR) there’s no denying that Cena has the qualities of a champion.

But with this in mind, I’ll also never forget when he came onto the scene in 2002 as a white freestyle rapper – it just so happens that was the same year 8 Mile came out. Plagiarism? What plagiarism?

The movie, starring Eminem, was a loosely-based adaptation of the rap superstar’s life before he rose to fame. So let’s see what would happen if the Reebok pump was on the other foot.

We take you now to the bathroom of a Detroit rap club called The Shelter, where a young John Cena is jogging on the spot. He’s psyching himself up before he goes on stage to present his much-hyped battle rap lyrics. Cena is an aspiring rapper, and hopes his rhymes will earn him a contract with World Wrestling Entertainment. Those like Cena rap to build a name for themselves on the street… because when hardened criminals see you can rhyme “ladies” with “Mercedes” they feel less inclined to shoot you.

Anyway, Cena emerges from the bathroom and awaits onstage for his opponent. The tension in the air is electric, but is suddenly shattered by the entrance music of the venue’s executive assistant, Johnathan Coachman.

SPEAKERS: AWWW JEEEA, BACK-BREAKIN’, EVERYBODY ON DEY FEET, YEAH THE WOOOOORLD IS WATCHING ME, THE WOOOORLD IS WATCHIN’ ME. AWWWW JEEEA, BACK-BREAKIN’ (fades (thank God))

COACH: John Cena, because I am the executive assistant, I am in charge of arranging tonight’s battle raps.

CENA: (confused) Isn’t that a GM’s job?

COACH: (pause) Just for showing that example of perceptiveness Cena, I’m putting you… IN A MATCH TONIGHT!!!

CENA: (sarcastically) Wow. You’re putting a two rappers in a battle rap. There’s no way I saw that coming.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

CENA: (growing excited by crowd reaction) Yeah! And you’re gay, Coach!

(CROWD FALLS STONE SILENT)

CENA: Dammit.

A battle works like this: two rappers are given 45 seconds each to verbally insult one another using improvised rap lyrics. Cena has a reputation of being a brilliant lyricist, but has never been successful in front of a live crowd. His first battle rap is against up-and-comer Shelton “It’s All About Da” Benjamin. 

COACH: Shelton, you have 45 seconds.

(DJ starts playing rap backbeat)

SHELTON: Ima murda this man!

(CROWD hoots)

SHELTON: (clears throat) AIN’T NO STOPPIN’ ME, NOOOOOOOOOO. YOU CAN’T ROB THE MAN (NO STOPPIN’), YOU CAN’T ROB THE MAN (NO STOPPIN’) YOU CAN’T ROB THE MAN (NO STOPPIN’) AIN’T NO STOPPIN’ ME, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This continues for another 30 seconds, with Shelton somehow thinking “best” rhymes with “less” and “respect” rhymes with “test”. Once again, the crowd is stone silent after his 45 seconds expire.

COACH: Uhhhh, yeah, that was… worse than the Diva Search. OK John Cena, you also have 45 seconds.

(DJ starts playing rap backbeat)

Despite the relatively easy task at hand, Cena stares blankly into the crowd, unable to come up with a better rap. The crowd grows restless and starts chanting “choke, choke, choke”, causing Cena to finally lose his nerve and leave the stage. The crowd roars with disdain, but the commentary team seems to think otherwise.

JR: Well, King, it appears John Cena has received a mixed response from this crowd.

(Majority of the crowd continues to boo maniacally)

CROWD: (chanting) KILL CENA! KILL CENA!

JR: Like I said, a mixed response from this capacity crowd. I can’t believe there are people within this arena who are capable of showing any hatred towards a superstar who has so much heart, so much guts and so much determination. And you can take this to the bank, John Cena will never back down from a fight!

KING: He just did.

JR: (shoots KING a dirty look)

KING: (nervously) Uhhh, I mean… PUPPIES!

An embarrassed Cena leaves the club. With nowhere else to go, he heads to a local trailer park called “8 Mile” where his mother, Stephanie, lives in a mobile home with her daughter, Lily, and boyfriend, Greg. Cena opens the door and walks in to find his mother having sex with Greg, causing the two to immediately stop and look in Cena’s direction. Cena stares back, stunned. An embarrassing tension fills the room, and of course, only one thing can break it.

FAROOQ: DAMN!

Moments later Stephanie and Cena talk outside, until Greg comes along and interrupts them.

GREG: John, what the fuck are you doing here? You ever heard of knocking?

CENA: Me and Janeane broke up.

STEPH: Oh, I’m sorry, John. You looked like you had a good thing going.

CENA: (teary) I performed “Right Now”, that rap song I wrote for her. She hated it. She said… (voice quivers) …she said it was stupid.

GREG: (laughs) Well, you did seem to lose your edge in the last few stanzas. The least you could have done was rap on your own instead of getting Trademarc in there to carry you through to the bridges, and what was with that cheesy backbeat?

CENA: (annoyed) What the hell do you know about rap music?

GREG: I used to listen to it when I was a teenager back in Massachusetts.

CENA: (furiously) NO! NO! I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO USED TO LISTEN TO RAP AS A TEENAGER IN MASSACHEUSETTS! IT WAS ME! NO-ONE ELSE WHO WAS WHITE AND LIVED IN THE NORTHEASTERN STATES LISTENED TO IT! I WAS DIFFERENT DAMMIT! I WAS DIFFERENT!

Cena’s hissy fit is interrupted by his younger sister Lily coming outside to see what all the fuss is about.

CENA: (composing himself) Hi Lily. Hey baby. What are you doing up?

LILY: (sleepily) You woke me.

CENA: I’m sorry, baby. C’mon, let’s go to bed.

LILY: Did Janeane like your song?

CENA: (sadly) No. No she didn’t, baby.

LILY: I told you to change that backbeat.

CENA: (annoyed) Man, fuck this! My album made it to the Billboard top 200!

GREG: So did the Crazy Frog, asshole!

The next morning Cena gets up and goes to work at the local steel-pressing plant. While walking to the bus stop, he is approached by his friend, the Trademarc. The two have shared a long relationship where the Trademarc has touted himself as a businessman with major connections in the pro wrestling industry.

TM: Man, what happened to you last night? I heard you got caught out. Some people have been saying some fucked-up shit.

CENA: Yeah?

TM: Man, why you still going to The Shelter? You need to stay at home, you know the Trademarc’s gotcha. I’m telling you, I’m on my way. And I’m taking you with me. You’re the franchise baby!

CENA: The Franchise? I’m taking the fucking bus to work man.

TM: Listen, I was just on the horn to my promoter friend. Did I tell you I’m the one that tipped him on Paul Neu?

CENA: (laughs) What, “The Rapmaster” PN News? That guy couldn’t hold a mic let alone a beat.

TM: Yeah, well, I also got that fat man Big Daddy V out of flipping burgers at Mickey D’s. The promoters liked what they saw, gave some cash out and boom, just like that Big Vis became 1995 King of the Ring because of me.

CENA: Yeah, and now he’s on ECW in fucking dire need of a bra.

TM: Cena, c’mon man. If they thought they were hot, wait until they get a taste of you!

CENA: Man, they’ll probably push me into the mid-card and team me up with someone obscure like Bull Buchanan.

TM: Pffft, c’mon man. Like that would ever happen.

Cena gets on the bus and starts listening to his music, jotting down lyrics that come into his head. At that particular moment he was working on a new song that was inspired by an episode of the A-Team. While the backbeat plays through his headphones, he could already feel snippets of profoundly original material come to mind.

(something something something) I'm a bad man

(something something something) I'm a bad man

(something something something) I'm a bad man

I'm a bad man, I'm a bad man

Yeah, check it out. It's Bumpy Knuckles baby

And I want you to say hello to the BAD, BAD, MAN - C'MON!

CENA: (laughing hysterically) “What you talkin’ about, Gary?” Mwaaahahaha. Damn, I’m good!

Later that night Cena and his friends go to a club to blow off some steam, but while he’s there an attractive blonde catches his eye. The two give each other coy glances from across the room, but it’s not until later on when they meet in the parking lot that they finally speak to each-other.

KELLY: You’re John Cena.

CENA: Yeah?

KELLY: My name’s Kelly Kelly.

CENA: (laughs) So good you have to say it twice, right?

KELLY: No, it’s just so I don’t get confused. Anyway, I heard you’re a dope rapper.

CENA: Who told you I was a dope rapper?

KELLY: Word gets around. I love rap. I used to listen to it when I was younger.

CENA: (furiously) NO! I WAS THE ONLY WHITE TEEN TO LISTEN TO RAP! HAVEN’T YOU SEEN MY DVD?! I WAS SPECIAL, DAMMIT! EVERYONE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER! NOW THEY WANT TO BE ME! THEY WANT TO BEEEEE MEEEEE!

KELLY: (nervously) No, no. Uhhh, I mean, I didn’t listen to the heavy stuff like Public Enemy and Ice T. I used to listen to the softcore groups like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

CENA: (breaks down in tears) Oh God! Oh God! This isn’t happening! THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! AND WHO THE FUCK IS ICED COFFEE?!!

KELLY: (hugging John) Cena, shhhhhh. Cena, calm down. It’s OK. Listen, when you win your championship, I really want to be there. You’re gonna be great. I got a feeling about cha. Just like I did with Mike Knox.

CENA: (wiping away his tears) You mean that?

KELLY: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

The two end up sleeping together – Cena being attracted to Kelly’s dopey stare and buck teeth, and Kelly being attracted to Cena’s arms that are way too big for his body.

A few days later Cena arrives home from work to find the Trademarc and Kelly waiting for him. His mother and baby sister are sitting with them, and they appear to have been chatting for quite some time.

STEPH: (to CENA) Well, if it isn’t The Franchise.

KELLY: (laughs) You call him the Franchise too?

STEPH: I gave him that name.

TM: Yeah, because he’s a money-making machine, right?

STEPH: No, I started calling him that when he got into rap music. One time he wrote me a song about boogers and farts and gays. I thought was very funny.

KELLY: Awwww, how cute. How old was he?

STEPH: Oh, it was just last year.

Cena leaves the trailer, embarrassed and angry. The Trademarc and Kelly run after him wanting to explain themselves. The Trademarc tells Cena that he told his promoter friend about him, and that he arranged some studio time for him to record a demo. Cena immediately gets to work and starts coming up with some of his best work yet.

I mean, you can’t get more original than titles like “Don’t Fuck With Us” and “This Is How We Roll”. Genius.

Anyway, a few nights later Cena arrives at the radio station. While walking down the corridors he sees PN News and Big Vis in one of the studios being interviewed about their “successful” transitions from “rappers” to “wrestlers”.

DJ: Aiight, aiight, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got PN News and Big Vis in the house, y’all. Now fellas, we proud of y’all hittin’ the big time over at the WWE, but what we wants to hear is some dope raps from y’all.

VIS: (nervously) Uhhhh, yeah, OK. After you News.

PN: (looks at Vis in a panic) Uhhh, yeah. Uhhh, dope raps. OK, OK, I got one. Yo, check this out. I went to this bar, and it was really far, so I took my mom’s car, and… uhhh, the keys were in a jar… uhhh, I went and got my friend Thomas, cuz I said that I would promise, to go and… go and… uhhhh, buy some… hommus. 

Cena keeps walking and continues to look for Trademarc and Kelly. But Cena stops dead in his tracks when he finally spots them in one of the recording booths fucking like rabbits. Cena is slugged with a mix of heartbreak and anger at what he’s seeing, so he decides to take care of the situation by applying his patented five-knuckle shuffle.

After disposing of his Kleenexes, Cena goes home.

Hours later Cena picks up his little sister from his neighbour’s trailer, but as he walks back to his own he sees a large black SUV pulling up behind him. Cena tells his sister to go in the house and lock the door, leaving him alone with a group of large black men who emerge from the SUV. Cena recognised many of them as part of the “Free World”, a group of serious battle rappers who appear regularly at The Shelter.

The last to get out of the car is Trademarc.

TM: What up, bitch? Did you like what you saw back at the studio?

CENA: (muttering) Fuck.

TM: I guess we can see you after all, muthafucker. Did I ever introduce you to my boy, Bobby Lashley?

LASHLEY: (smiling) Trademarc said you lived in a trailer with your mom (laughs). But we didn’t believe him.

CENA: Yeah, well, Trademarc told me you looked like Deebo from “Friday”. Guess he was right about that too.

(LASHLEY looks at TRADEMARC with fury)

TM: (nervously) Don’t just stand there! Kick his ass!

The six men start brawling with Cena. As they continue to lay into him, Lily is seen in the trailer screaming for them to stop. Later, every other child under the age of 12 within the trailer park also screams for them to stop beating Cena down.

TM: Where’s your chain gang now, bitch?

After five straight minutes of all six men kicking, punching and clubbing Cena with anything they can find, they eventually stop. But Cena being Cena, he somehow finds the energy to stand up ready to fight. Another five-minute beat-down passes, and again Cena emerges to his feet. After another half-hour of the same tactics, the men finally give up and get back into the SUV.

TM: Yo, don’t forget to come to The Shelter tomorrow night. (laughs)

At this point, Cena was finally fed up. After so many instances of humiliation, anger, betrayal and public masturbation, he finally decides to take matters into his own hands and beat Trademarc and the “Free World” crew at their own game.

The following night Cena signs up for the battle rap at The Shelter, where first off he will face “Free World” member King Booker.

COACH: Alright, alright! Settle down please! Ladies and Gentlemen, first on the microphone tonight with 45 seconds, King Booker.

(DJ starts playing rap backbeat)

BOOKER: (rapping)

Good evening my loyal subjects, this is your King

Please don’t forget to come and kiss me on my ring

John Cena is a peasant, he is a rogue, a scoundrel

And his theme music sounds like a discombobulating alarm bell

From whence did this beggar come into my midst?

I’m the King, Sharmell the Queen, you’re not even a Prince.

John Cena, all I ask is that you leave my palace be

Because there’s nothing in this world that means more to me

Why these people cheer for you, I’m baffled

It’s as though you won the title in some twisted raffle

It’s time for these people to simply realise

That as a King, all I do is rule, I don’t empathise

(CROW HOOTS)

COACH: Alright John Cena, see if you can top that. Your 45 seconds start now.

(DJ starts playing rap backbeat)

CENA: (rapping)

The only thing loyal in this room are those who supported me

The chain gang made sure Cena’s here to chew up the scenery

You come out here saying you’re the man, you’re noth-ING

And you’ve been devoid of Ebonics since King of the Ring

So you got the balls to say that I’m a scoundrel?

Well, at least I’m not whiter than muthafucking cow’s milk!

When I see you, all I see is a guy named Booker

And that “Queen” next to you looks like a $2 hooker

All this time I’ve know why I’m supposed to curse ya

You’re black, I’m white, but for some reason we’re vice versa

So Booker, in conclusion, you don’t have that much at stake

Because your matches have always served as the perfect toilet break

(CROW HOOTS)

The crowd’s approval sees Cena go to the final stage of the battle, up against the champion, Bobby Lashley.

COACH: Alright, alright! Now Bobby Lashley, because you’re the defending champion, you get to choose who goes first.

LASHLEY: (coldly) (to CENA) Let that bitch go first.

(CROW HOOTS)

COACH: Alright. John Cena, you’re time is now.

Something suddenly clicks in Cena’s head, where he looks at Coach with wide, bright eyes. What Coach just said would not only help him overcome Lashley, but it would be the catalyst of his annoyingly overplayed theme song. The DJ starts playing the backbeat and Cena launches into some more raps.

CENA: (rapping)

Your time is up, my time is now.

You can't see me my time is now.

It's the franchise, boy I'm shining now.

You can't see me my time is now.

Yo, everybody listen up, it’s about to go “bang!”

Put your hands up if you in the chain gang!

Every hysterical female and 14-year-old boy in the audiences puts their hands up

CENA: (rapping)

Yo, this guy ain’t no muthafuckin MC

I know everything he's got to say against me

I am white, they do call me Young MCena

And yeah, but rhymes can be a little bit meaner!

No, I wasn’t the only white teen to listen to rap

And yeah, I am wearing a fake Starters cap

I did get jumped by six guys after Trademarc fucked my girl

But I'm still standin’ here screamin’ “fuck the Free World!”

Lashley, don't you even try to judge me dude

You don't know what kind of shit I’ve been put through

But I know something about you there, Lashley

They call you the dominator, but that ain’t because you bashed me!

I am the franchise, and you’re just a hater.

But Pat Patterson agrees you are the “dominator!”

What's the matter Bobby? You embarrassed by these things?

Why don’t you take your ass back to Colorado Springs?

Man, you got less charisma than last year’s Diva Search.

I got more rhymes than Big Vis has got girth.

It’s no secret I’d make a better champ than you

Because you’re just a black Brock Lesnar, Angle?

ANGLE: It’s true! It’s true!

CENA: (rapping)

Just to prove my point, listen to this, kid

(to the CROWD) Did Brock have pyro when he jumped on the apron…?

CROWD: (screams) YEAH! HE DID!

(CROWD HOOTS)

Coach motions to the DJ to cut Cena’s music because his time has expired, but Cena is so pumped up, he decides to keep going.

CENA: Fuck the beat! I’ll go A Capella!

Fuck Lashley, fuck bash me, fuck a trailer, fuck everybody

I'm a fucking try-hard rapper and I say it proudly

And fuck this battle, I don't wanna win, I'm outty

Here tell these people something they don’t know about me.

Exhausted, Cena throws the mic to Lashley and sits down, waiting for him to start. The crowd is absolutely shocked and impressed with Cena’s impromptu lyrics. Without a second to waste, Coach signals for the DJ to start the backbeat up once again. The crowd awaits in anticipation for Lashley’s reply. Lashley, stunned, looks on nervously as the crowd grows more and more impatient. Finally, he speaks.

LASHLEY: You say your name is Cena, and you love to fight. I say you’re name is Cena, and you’re a bastard!

(CROWD FALLS STONE SILENT)

CROWD MEMBER #1: Ohhhh, snap! Yeeah boooooyyy!

For his absolutely appalling attempt to trump Cena, Lashley is booed off the stage. He was so embarrassed by what happened that night that to this day when he picks up a microphone, he becomes completely devoid of charisma and personality. On the flipside Cena did extremely well, proving he had the proper mic skills to be a top wrestling superstar – that was until the WWE writers got to him. The rest as they say is history.

THE END

CREDITS