V7(ahhhhh) – “Kickboxer” starring RVD.

Later this year, RVD will visit my neck of the woods as part of the Armageddon Australia Expo (Be There AND Be Square). Australia doesn’t get these ubernerd conventions very often, and I’m very curious to see whether they really are what film and TV has made them out to be: a gathering of pasty, squeaky voiced, Thundercats loving, Star Wars memorising, Buffy ogling, black t-shirt wearing freaks who would rather choose an X-Files marathon over natural sunlight. Oops, I think I just did a Rex Kramer.

Anyway, I would gladly brave this horde of intergalactic chair moisteners just to hear what career prospects RVD has now that he’s left WWE. Strangely enough, I was happy to hear Rob’s time was finally up at World Wrestling Entertainment, which saw him involved in more burial storylines than Freddy and Jason put together. But the way they got rid of RVD could have been handled a bit better. Despite being a multiple ECW champion and having been subjected to some of the most brutal wrestling matches in history, a CRIPPLING KICK TO THE HEAD BY RANDY ORTON suddenly calls for an early retirement. But I’ll get to that later. Sabu was another talent who parted ways with WWE, and he would most probably follow RVD. But the questions is, where would they go?

Since RVD has always been likened to Jean Claude Van Damme, and since Sabu… has a moustache (?), it got me thinking about a 1989 film that was so good it needed not one, but TWO unknown directors. “Kickboxer” stars Jean Claude Van Damme as Kurt Sloane, a trainer for his cocky brother and US kickboxing champ, Eric (Dennis Alexio). The two decide it’s time to go global, so they head to Thailand to fight the country’s vicious champion, Tong Po (Michel Qissi). When Po ends up crippling Eric, Kurt seeks the help of Thailand ’s best kickboxing instructor to help him avenge his brother’s injury.

We begin with Sabu’s latest successful title defence. With RVD standing proudly in his corner, the champ takes questions from the press.

ANNOUNCER: Here is your winner, he is the homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, dance recital, American Idol, joy ridal, other sidal, “Said I Loved You But I Lidal”, poontang pidal…

RVD: (cutting in) OK, we get it.

REPORTER #1: Hey champ, how come you don’t use a trainer anymore?

SABU: (points to the sky)

REPORTER #2: Now that you’ve beaten everyone there is to beat, who’s next?

SABU: (points to the sky)

REPORTER #3: Have you thought about going to Thailand? I understand they have some of the best fighters there.

SABU: (points to the sky)

REPORTER #4: Sabu, with East Timor in the middle of a year-long and often-violent power struggle, do you believe Former President Xanana Gusmao and his former Fretlin allies will ever settle their differences?

(long pause)

SABU: I think that the biggest problem for youth in East Timor is unemployment. I'm sure that if those political parties could put aside their differences and discover how much the young generation can deliver, it would mean a great deal to their struggle for a democratic future.

(even longer pause)

REPORTER #4: Uh, OK. RVD, would you and Sabu consider going to Thailand to fight?

RVD: Yeah, it sounds like a cool place to visit.

REPORTER #5: You do realise the penalty for carrying marijuana in Thailand is death?

(ALL laugh)

RVD: (sobbing) You bastards!

(CUE CHEESY STAN BUSH MUSIC)

So RVD and Sabu (reluctantly) head for Thailand. After a couple of days training they arrive at Bangkok stadium where Sabu will face the country’s best fighter. The two head for their dressing room, to which RVD gets a bucket of ice for Sabu. As he walks back to the dressing room he hears a series of loud thuds echoing from down the hall. RVD slowly approaches the room where the thuds grow louder and louder. He looks through the doorway to see a tall, slender man surrounded by smashed furniture and other broken hotel items. The man is so hell-bent on destroying the room for no apparent reason, he continuously kicks a concrete pillar holding up the roof. But the man suddenly stops, sensing the presence of another. He turns around to see RVD looking on with fear.

Just when RVD thought it couldn’t get anymore terrifying, the man turns on a nearby stereo which  starts to play a horridly bad series of sounds claiming to be his entrance music.

STEREO: HEY! Noting you can SAY! Nothing’s gonna CHANGE WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO MAY! *something something* SHINE! *something something* DRINKING BRINE WHEN YOU BURN INSIDE MY LAIGHT!

RVD races back to Sabu’s dressing room to tell him what he just saw.

RVD: Sabu, don’t so it. I saw the look in his eyes. This guy’s fucking crazy. I’m am absolutely convinced your hardcore skill is no match for his limited repertoire. I don’t care what you have to say to me, I will not allow you to fight him.

SABU: (points to the sky)

RVD: (wiping away tears from his eyes) You always did have a way with words.

RVD and Sabu make their way to the ring where Orton awaits. The bell rings and Sabu launches into some breakneck offence by bouncing off the ring’s ropes and executing a series of graceful dives from the top turnbuckles. Suddenly the momentum stops as Orton puts Sabu into a headlock. This is followed by a reverse chinlock, then a side-Russian headlock, a shooting star chin-lock, a gorilla press headlock, no, wait, A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT, followed by a drop toe headlock and several other tedious holds. Despite the insultingly slow pace, teenage girls around the arena cannot stop screeching for Orton. Sabu tries to fight back, but the lack of ECW fans in the arena means he can’t get a clapping-induced fight-back. Orton decides to get creative by delivering SHARP KICKS TO SABU’S HEAD which are DEVASTATING. SERIOUSLY. They REALLY, REALLY HURT. 

Anyway, RVD can do nothing but sit back and watch as Sabu’s energy is drained… slowly. Ever. So. Slowly. Rob can’t take any more of this torture and throws in the towel. Orton has none of it and kicks the towel out of the ring before delivering a devastating RKO to Sabu. An enraged RVD climbs into the ring and goes after Orton.

RVD: Hey! Asshole! ASSHOLE! You can’t do that.

ORTON: (smiling cockily) You say I can’t do that. Well let me tell you somethin’. I can, because I’m the Legend Killer! I have killed the legends of The Bezerker, Dink the Clown AND Golga. Next I will take on the powerhouse that is DROZ. That’s right, I said I will take on Droz. Because I am the Legend Killer. The Legend Killer am I. Am Legend I the Killer.

Orton poses to the crowd with his patented “massive beach-ball” stance. Devastated by Sabu’s multiple injuries, RVD runs to the nearest convenience store and buys a jar of crazy glue to mend his wounds. When that doesn’t work he decides to take him to an actual hospital. After being told by the doctors that Sabu will never walk again, RVD swears revenge on Orton.

(CUE CHEESY STAN BUSH MUSIC)

Defeated, RVD wanders through the streets of Bangkok visiting various temples. Due to his excessive moping, he ends up getting lost in the highlands of the Thai jungle. In the distance he sees a small shack, which he walks towards cautiously. Suddenly RVD is struck by what he thinks is an acid flashback, but he is actually caught in some kind of rope trap that suspends him upside down.

Rob hears someone approaching, and rethinks whether this is an acid flashback, because he can’t believe who is standing in front of him.

BISCHOFF: May I help you?

RVD: (confused) Eric Bischoff? What are you doing here?

BISCHOFF: During my days at WCW I had so much money I bought some property here in Thailand. When I wasn’t attending strip clubs with my wife I spent most of my years here shaving spider monkeys and training them to become future cruiserweight contenders. Can you believe Torrie Wilson ended up marrying one of ‘em. (laughs) Yeah, she’s such a slut.

After Bischoff releases him from the trap, RVD explains his situation to him.

RVD: …so I need to fight Orton, but I’m not sure how.

BISCHOFF: Well, lucky for you I’m a black belt.

RVD: (pause) A black belt? You?

BISCHOFF: Yeah. Didn’t you ever see much epic matches against Teddy Long and Vince McMahon?

(RVD tries to hold in his laughter)

BISCHOFF: (frustrated) Alright! Fine! A black belt is easier to get a hold of these days than copies of Brooke Hogan’s latest single. I got 43 inside I’m using a coasters, you want one?

RVD: Eric, I have to beat Orton. But I’m just too quick and agile. Sabu didn’t stand a chance against Orton’s shoddy, unimaginative wrestling.

BISCHOFF: (pointing into distance) Take this path. Go to the village. At Eugenia’s store, get groceries.

RVD walks down the pathway leading to a small town square. He sees the small grocery store Bischoff referred to, where he’s greeted by a… woman?

EUGENIA: Who are you?

RVD: (pointing thumbs at himself)

TOWNSPEOPLE: ROB! VAN! DAM!

RVD: Is this Eugenia’s store?

EUGENIA: Yeah, my name is Eugenia. My favourite wrestlers are the Rock, Mankind, Papa Shango and…

RVD: (cutting in) Uh, I was sent here by Mr Bischoff to get his groceries.

EUGENIA: Uncle Eric sent you?

RVD: He’s your uncle? Well, he’s going to help me fight someone.

EUGENIA: (scratching his head) Uncle Eric is going to teach Rob Van Dam how to fight? Isn’t that like the Batista teaching the Rock how to cut promos?

Their conversation is interrupted by two Thai men from a local gang who have come to collect ‘protection money’ from Eugenia’s register. A chivalrous RVD grabs one the men’s hands and delivers a sharp split-kick to the side of his head. He punches the second man in the face before leaping to the other side of the shop. As the henchmen advance on him, RVD grabs a nearby steel chair and throws it towards them. Although it lands on the ground, one of the henchmen foolishly picks it up allowing RVD to deliver a VanDaminator to the chair. Luckily the shop is wide enough for him to also deliver a rolling thunder and a monkey-flip. FAN LAW #443-1F = Muay Thai is no match for overdone wrestling moves. The men flee the scene, leaving RVD to deal with a furious Eugenia for messing up her store.

The next morning RVD awakes for his first day of training with Bischoff. RVD looks on intently as he sees Bischoff out the front of his shack doing a series of slow, relaxation movements with his hands and feet. RVD decides to try and mimic his movements.

BISCHOFF: (turns around to look at RVD) What are you doing?

RVD: (confused) Aren’t you doing Tai Chi?

BISCHOFF: No, I’m doing the Great Khali’s rapid workout routine.

RVD: “Rapid” workout?

BISCHOFF: You told me yesterday Sabu was no match for Orton. You are much like Sabu: quick, agile and a ridiculously entertaining wrestler. But this will not do against Orton. If you want to defeat Randy Orton, you must fight fire with fire. By “fire” I mean “shoddy unimaginative wrestling”.

Bischoff puts RVD through a series of rigorous training regimes, but no matter how hard he tries Rob can’t shake his natural quickness. It is here Bischoff decides to take extreme measures by making RVD train underwater, forcing him to slow right down.

RVD slowly masters the art of shoddy uncoordinated wrestling. Bischoff believes he is ready to take the next step: training in Stoned City.

BISCHOFF: This is Stoned City. Where many ancient warriors come... to get absolutely baked. While you train here, listen.

RVD: Listen to what?

BISCHOFF: Just listen. With your mind, your heart, your whole being. You must learn to be slower than any chin or headlock. That way, he will get hit.

Bischoff suddenly pulls out two massive joints which he lights and starts waving towards RVD. Rob is forced to defend himself against the massive blunts being swung at him, where he slowly becomes more and more dazed as the smoke circles around him.

RVD: (severely baked) Wait… I think… I think I hear something. No, that’s just the munchies talking.

BISCHOFF: You are now ready for the final test. I will take you to a special place.

Bischoff takes an already-wasted RVD to a local bar, where he plans to slow him down to the next level. Bischoff starts ordering shots of a spirit he calls “Kiss of Death”, which he feeds to RVD relentlessly until he can take no more.

JAKE THE SNAKE: Damn, that guy’s wasted.

For his final test, Bischoff says RVD must dance with some of the ladies in the bar. As RVD starts dancing, Bischoff develops a frighteningly intense look on his face. Bischoff starts tweaking his nipples and licking his lips as he watches the women dance. Bischoff then starts “touching himself”, causing the men in the bar to get very angry. They advance on Bischoff, but RVD jumps in to fight them off. But his fighting style has changed. RVD’s natural agility and speed has somehow meshed with the weed and booze, making his fighting style a blend of shoddy yet stylish wrestling. And of course, no RVD fight could be complete without a gratuitous shot of him doing the splits.

A few days later a wheelchair-bound Sabu comes to visit RVD. While he is impressed with RVD’s new fighting style, Sabu takes him aside to talk to him about his upcoming fight with Orton.

RVD: What’s up Sabu?

SABU: (points to the sky)

RVD: (laughs) Yeah, good one. Ya got me.

SABU: (shaking his head) (points to the sky again)

RVD: Yeah, it does look like rain.

SABU: (rolls his eyes) (points furiously to the sky)

RVD: (confused) Timmy’s fallen down the well?

SABU: (annoyed) I DON’T WANT YOU TO FIGHT ORTON!

RVD: What? Sabu, he put you in that wheelchair for life.

SABU: That’s right. And I don’t want you beside me. I should have listened to you. Now it’s your turn to listen to me. He’s not going to let you out of that ring alive.

RVD: Sabu, I’m in the most mediocre shape of my life, more mediocre than Orton. I’ll win that fight for you, and for me.

EUGENIA: Rob! Come quick!

RVD races toward Eugenia’s voice to see a man dressed in traditional Thai robes hand a manuscript to Bischoff. The messenger leaves as Bischoff worryingly reads the manuscript.

BISCHOFF: (to RVD) You will fight the old ways.

RVD: Oh God! Orton’s been fighting the old way his entire career! In Sabu’s match he did more rest-holds than the entire Warrior vs. Hogan saga!

BISCHOFF: No, the ancient Thai way. You must have your hands wrapped in resin and hemp…

RVD: (giddily) Hemp?!

BISCHOFF: …and dipped in broken glass.

SABU: (seethingly points to the sky)

RVD: He’s right! This is bullshit! Orton thinks he’s hardcore? I’ll show him.

As RVD and Bischoff undertake more training, a bunch of Orton’s men ransack Bischoff’s hut, kidnapping Eugenia and Sabu. Hours before the fight, the men drag Eugenia into a darkened room where Orton awaits. Eugenia trembles with fear as Orton steps towards her with an evil glint in his eye. He slaps Eugenia hard across the face and tears her shirt. But just when Eugenia assumes the worst, Orton grabs her gym bag and takes a massive dump in it. Orton then delivers an RKO to Eugenia, furthering his status as the woman-who-flirted-with-a-living-hardcore-legend killer.

Hours later RVD and Orton enter the ancient arena to prepare for their fight. RVD is obviously distressed by the kidnapping of Sabu and Eugenia. But he grows even more nervous when he looks in his corner to see Bischoff has also disappeared. After administering the glass-ridden hemp gloves, RVD and Orton step into the ring. RVD nervously leaps into his usual agile self, but Orton immediately capitalises with the first of several headlocks.

As the fight continues, Bischoff cautiously prowls a factory next door to the arena in search of Eugenia and Sabu. Sure enough he peers inside to see his niece and the wheelchair-bound wrestler being kept hostage by several guards. Bischoff hotwires a nearby car and puts a brick onto the accelerator, causing the car to careen into the side of the building and take out most of the guards. Sabu also springs into action, picking up his steel wheelchair and throwing it at a guard brandishing a shotgun. Foolishly the guard catches it, allowing Sabu to deliver a hard kick to the chair and sends the guard flying. FAN LAW #5467-9T = Overzealous wrestling moves can counter firearms.

Back in the arena, Orton is draining RVD’s energy quickly with his umpteenth headlock. When the bell rings signalling the end of the round, RVD flops to the ground. Orton stands over RVD, cockily posing for all the 14-year-old girls in the audience.

ORTON: (to RVD) You bleed like Eugenia…

RVD: (screaming) NOOOOOOOOO!

ORTON: …right after I gave her an RKO.

RVD: (breathes a sigh of relief)

ORTON: Eugenia, good fuck…

RVD: (screaming) NOOOOOOOOO!

ORTON: …ing gym bag.

RVD: (sighs) Oh for Christ’s sake…

RVD goes to his corner, already feeling defeated. As the bell sounds for the next round, he steps back into the ring dreading yet another series of draining chokeholds. But just as all seems lost, a sharp whistle comes from the crowd. RVD turns to see Bischoff and Eugenia carrying Sabu on their shoulders. Sabu then supplies RVD with the words to motivate him for victory.

SABU: (points to the sky)

RVD then gets an idea. He goes to Eugenia and asks her to set his gloves on fire. Hesitantly, she sets the hemp gloves alight, causing clouds of smoke to waft around his face, putting him into the same dazed zone he was during training. He turns to face Orton, who is visibly shaken by RVD’s sudden demeanour. The crowd catches on to the sudden change in the air, and they start chanting in Thai for RVD.

EUGENIA: What are they saying, Uncle Eric?

BISCHOFF: “No Tsu Cao”, the Kite Warrior.

EUGENIA: (confused) The Kite Warrior?

BISCHOFF: Yeah, look at him. He’s as high as a kite!

(drum and cymbal)

RVD stumbles around the ring, throwing random kicks and punches towards Orton. As Orton tries to advance on RVD to administer his patented holds, he is struck several times by RVD. A frustrated Orton goes to his next faze of moves… oh wait, he doesn’t have one. So he starts to try and land his DEVASTATING KICKS TO THE HEAD, but RVD is simply too wobbly to be kicked at the right moment. As Paul Hertzog’s music swells, RVD lands a series of devastating spins kicks to Orton’s head.

Orton finally drops to the ground, allowing RVD to climb to the top rope and land his five-star-frog-splash and gain the victory. The Thai men chant “No Tsu Cao”, the smarks cheer, the ECW faithfuls go nuts and the 14-year-old girls cry and bawl.

(CUE CHEESY STAN BUSH MUSIC)

THE END

CREDITS