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BROCK LESNAR:
WRESTLING
WITH FOOTBALL.
By Sean Carless

(originally posted in Spring 2004).
 
It is said that it's Brock Lesnar's dream to play in the NFL, but after a week in training camp "The Next Big Thing" is seemingly having some difficulty in adjusting to his new surroundings. Mainly, an out and out refusal to wear pants on the field. But hey, who'd want to tackle or receive a ball from the ass-end of a dude only wearing the smallest briefs imaginable? Maybe it's a smarter strategy than we could ever imagine...
 
That said, although Lesnar is clearly athletically gifted, and his heart is in the right place (freeze-dried in a bar fridge in Vince McMahon's office) Brock has apparently been responsible for several "incidents" that have been raising more than a few eyebrows. Regular eyebrows that is, and not "people's" one's. Because that'd be absurd. Clearly. Anyway, at this point, it is not known whether Lesnar will be able to make the full transition to Pro Football until certain "instincts" subside. These "incidents" are briefly listed below and have not been altered in any way other than being completely fabricated and made up. Ahem.
 
Lesnar's Recent Follies:
 
"F-5 Yard Line".
Despite being told many times, Lesnar refuses to stop charging line-men in his own "unique" manner, which includes scooping them up and twirling them through the air. He also misunderstood the referee's call of a flag on the play, hearing the word "fag" and going berserk." I don't like Gays !" Lesnar growled. Before bending over again, and fondly thinking back to his days of pantslessly cinching and grinding men in the completely un-gay world of Amateur Wrestling.
 
Also, Brock has been reprimanded on several occasions for discussing impending plays with the RIVAL team, eventually coming to his own defense by spouting that his only intention was to "put together a believable game." The following was transcribedfrom this controversialmoment:
 
**Lesnar approaches other team's huddle**
 
Brock: "So, guys; here's what's going to happen. You catch the kick off, and you get about say 40 yards out. Then I'll tackle you and retrieve the ball. Then for the next, I don't know, 10-15 minutes, I'll get the heat and go to about the 95 Yard line, when suddenly you make the hot tag to your line-men. From there, you'll make the big babyface comeback, catch the ball, give me a Rock Bottom, and get the touchdown.
That's the finish."
 
 
Opposing Teams' Quarter-Back: "Umm, Football is real, Brock."
 
Brock: "Holy fuck, since when?!..."
 
Very sad.
 
"Dying to see the Big Game".
Recently, Brock was responsible for somewhat of a P.R. nightmare when he hurled a visiting "Make A Wish" Foundation youngster down the steep Stadium stairs. Brock's defense was that he thought it would generate some great "Heel Heat" for the team, and that at his previous vocation, "that's what you did with crippled retards". Perhaps, wiping the child's blood on his own chest was not the best recourse either...
 
 
"Here Comes The Plane!"
Much to the dismay of his Coaches and other players, Brock has opted on several occasions to park his sprawling Private Jet on the 50 Yard Line. 
 
"Like it's going to fit in the fucking parking lot!" said Brock ignorantly.
 
The only person even mildly amused by the situation seems to be current Smackdown color analyst, Tazz, who constantly shows up at games and runs onto the field and yells "HERE COMES THE PLANE!" to little reaction. " What? dat's no good? Well, what if I said sumfin about it bein' off a da chain or a reo rocketbusta? No? Well, I can say odder 'tings dat don't sound retahded, you know! Really, it's true! Dey just don't
ever let me" said a disgruntled Tazz, before breaking into tears and taking his own life while Paul Heyman explained the way he was choking himself was illegal in judo but legal in wrestling. Or something.
 
"Brock Tease".
Despite Brock's best intentions, Brock's "hand-picked" Cheerleader has proven to be somewhat distracting to his own team-mates (as seen right), and thanks to her seemingly dissolving in the Team's hot tub backstage, many players were not able to utilize it to loosen up their muscles and subsequently half the squad is now on injury reserve. 
 
Brock's reply to the situation was also met with disdain: "How was I supposed to know she'd disintegrate? Since when does plastic melt at really high temperatures? This is all BS. I coulda just put 'em in the Brock-lock if they were so fucking insistent on gettin' stretched out. All they had to do was ask!".
 
 
"An Explosive Performance".
Much to the terror of almost everyone involved, Brock apparently misunderstood the Coach's request for Lesnar to "go for a long bomb", which unfortunately wielded some disturbing results. "I don't get it." said Brock after the tragedy. "Big Show used to blow up all the time in the ring with me, and no one ever died...".
 
 
"The Funky Chicken's for Pussies".
Although most NFL players utilize their own trademarked "End Zone dance", Brock's is apparently none too popular. His repeated climbing of the goal post, and subsequent "Shooting Star Press" and "50 foot face-plant" has proven to be an unpopular routine amongst disgruntled players. Especially for those who attempt to catch the
plummeting Lesnar, or the team mascot that was unfortunately killed by its impact. "I don't see what the big deal was with the Mascot" said Brock. "Vince used to always tell us guys in masks weren't worth shit. I just don't get it. So what if he could do cool flips and appealed to the crowds? He's just not credible. Ask Vince, he'll tell you all about it..."
 
Anyway, the Coach apparently suggested a fair compromise where Lesnar is only allowed to leap in the event he's wearing the parachute from his plane, but a reliable source has come forward and stated that on March 20th, Vince McMahon apparently exchanged the pack for a bag filled with cement and anvils. How weird.
 
That all said, we here at the Wrestling Fan.com hope that Lesnar finds his legs out there, or at least covers them with some pants, and becomes the "NFL SUPERSTAR" we all know he can be. He just needs to stop putting QB's in bear-hugs and acting befuddled as to why the game's not instantly over when they "tap out".
 
Good luck, Brock!
 
I'm Sean
 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).