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 The following "products" have been discontinued. Go Figure...

 
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of pay-per-views this year) then on the following quality merchandise?! After all, if we don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think we need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. We're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
 

 DIVAS EXPERIENCE KIT!

Every Monday night, the ladies of the squared circle get "Raw". But now you don't have to! Introducing the penultimate collectors item for those of us who love to pretend our bodies are an amusement park. Introducing the Divas Experience kit! Each "kit" comes with an animated trash can (with pictorial "inspiration" just in case something "unsexy" is on WWE programming at the time) to dispose of any evidence of your evening, the highest quality hand lotion, tissue paper for excess, and a lone sock, to sop up your bounty. After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness! (Although, we don't know this for sure. God hasn't answered our phone-calls since we jobbed him out at Backlash.).

Order now!

 RANDY ORTON XMAS STOCKING... For Her.

If you're like Randy Orton, when you see a loved one, you probably can't wait to affectionately throw your arms around them...and bring the moment to a blindingly tedious halt with a series of extended chinlocks. But hey, that's Randy. For everyone else though, there's the RKO Christmas Stocking, to show that "special lady" in your life what you really think of her. After all, who is she to turn you down?! Doesn't she realize you're a 3rd generation wrestling star and that means she should instantly jump into the sack? How many World titles did she have by 25 anyway? Yeesh.

"Fill" your stocking accordingly, and send her a message she won't ever forget! And the best part? You'll never have to hear her tell you that you didn't get her shit for Christmas again!

Order now, and Randy will personally sign your stocking, and also squeeze  2/3rds of a tube of sun-tan lotion into the contents. Just because you're such a tease. Get over yourself.

 INFLATABLE LITA DOLL!

Clearly, it'd be scientifically impossible for Lita to make love to every WWE fan out there (although, from what I understand, she is willing), but now she doesn't have to! You see, we here at WWE have came up with the next best thing: The inflatable Lita blow-up doll. Rigorously tested in Mexico (much like it's namesake), and made of  the finest plastic (much like it's namesake), and able to withstand extreme temperatures (once again, much like Lita herself. Well, she did "marry" Kane. Just puttin' two and two together!) the Lita inflatable is widely considered the best, and most durable* sex doll on the market! (at least according to Jerry Lawler and his extensive "field investigation").

Each doll comes with a money (in the bank?) back guarantee. Lita inflatable is guaranteed to hold up under the most, umm, Extreme (2Xtreme?) conditions, and requires less maintenance and constant repair than the real McCoy! It's true!

*Lita inflatable comes with a jar of Vaseline, cleaning solution, and a patch kit, in the case it blows a hole (and not your best friend!).

Order now!

 JOHN LAURINAITIS T-SHIRT!

Just when you thought the "hilarity" of the "Vince loves cock" T-shirt had finally started, err I mean stopped, WWE head of talent relations, John Laurinaitis has got in on the gag! We're proud to introduce the Johnny Ace "Worthless Ass-hole" T-Shirt! After all, why should the Chairman of the Board be the only one ridiculed with an absolutely terrible animal pun?

Designed by the boys in the back themselves, be the first fan to proudly display your "support" for John Laurinaitis with this *Exclusive* shirt! Wish your integrity well in all future endeavors!

Order now!

 CARLITO TOILET BRUSH!

The *real* Carlito may not give a shit anymore, but we know you have to, so finally, there's a tool to keep your bowl pristine and sparkling: The Carlito Toilet Brush!

Each Carlito brush is made from excess amounts of the 300 pound Haku wig, and is guaranteed to do any job! (except to Chris Masters. Everyone beats him.). 

Bonus function: Carlito brush is SPRING-LOADED, and will proceed to nonsensically flip in the air repeatedly, for NO GOOD REASON. It doesn't make any sense, sure, but damn if it isn't cool (tee hee) to watch! Let's see our competitors do that!

Order now!

 
 
This ain't your father's ECW anymore! In fact, it's not "yours" either, or anybody's for that matter! It's ours, and damn it, we're not changing for anyone! But that doesn't mean you can't buy some stuff!
 
With the success of the Sandman's inflatable Singapore cane (made of HARDCORE RUBBER) WWE shop have stepped up yet again, and developed some new products in the ECW line! Yes sir, we have some EXTREMELY GOOD DEALS FOR YOUR KIDS! Introducing "child friendly" merchandise from the people who brought you Kelly's exposť, and not that silly "wrestling" thing you remember. Your kids eyes will light up (LITERALLY) when they see this brand new "hardcore" merchandise under the tree. It's a new ECW! Make sure you bring your kids! And while you're there, you might want to steer clear of that man in the Hawaiian shirt and straw hat as well as the guy in the dark shades with the beard; It can only end badly for you. Trust us. EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-CUB!
 

TAIPEI BAG O'FUN!

FINALLY, there's a big bag of broken glass...FOR KIDS! Yes sir. Introducing, the Taipei Bag O'Fun! Hours of quality entertainment or no money back! (it's the one thing we're keeping to with the old ECW. Sorry.)

You'll just love the look of amazement and wonderment on your child's face, as your little tyke comes face to face with his own mortality! The laughs will never end as he and his siblings/friends "suit up" and reenact their very own Taipei death match! And remember kids, if you don't draw blood, you're doing it wrong!

Each bag comes with crazy glue (for two more dollars you can SABU-SIZE it!) and athletic tape for a truly authentic experience!

Order now! 

 MY FIRST ECW BOX-CUTTER!

Now your kids can experience ECW the way it was MEANT to be seen! Introducing "My first ECW Box-cutter". A tool for helping your child develop believable "drama" in their playtime!

But remember kids: SAFETY FIRST. When slicing a friend and/or yourself, be sure to make the incision in the HAIRLINE. And here's a tip!: a small cut mixed with sweat can produce a significant blood-flow! You'll be the hit of the playground for sure!

Order now!

*Goes great with the "Taipei Bag O'Fun"!

 PACKET OF HEMOGLOBIN!

For those kids too young to handle razor blades (under 4), but still want the all important visual of a true crimson mask, WWE is proud to present: A GENUINE PACKET OF HUMAN BLOOD! Just open up the heavy plastic sack and spread it about your head and face for maximum effect! It's that easy!

To keep to strict disease laws, each packet is *personally* filled and inspected by highly respected WWE Hall of Famer "Cowboy" Bob Orton! With "Ace" on the job, you better believe your child's in good hands!

Note: Keep product away from The Undertaker at all times. For whatever reason, he seems put off by it.

 RVD'S GIANT BAG OF GANJA!

Whether he's rolling thunder, or rolling papers, when it comes to the squared circle, no one gets higher than Rob Van Dam! And he's got the DUI to prove it.

Take the next step with your love of "Mr. Money in the Dank", and saddle the dragon yourself!

Introducing: RVD's Giant Bag of Ganja!Taken directly from his private stash in a secret subterranean locker beneath his parents house in Battle Creek Michigan!

Normally, we here at WWE frown upon drug use, but our recent case studies show that those who are totally wasted tend to not get off the sofa and change the channel. So go for it!

Order now, and Rob will send you... something! (He's probably stoned. It could be anything! Keep your fingers crossed!).

 
 

 THE WWE ENJOYMENT ENHANCER!

With buyrates slipping, and house show attendance down domestically, WWE has recently formed a partnership with the Church of Scientology (McMahonism conquers a new religion!) in an attempt to change all this, and also gain an edge in the lucrative "brainwashing" and "mind control" market.

And with that said, introducing: The WWE Enjoyment Enhancer, a two day reprogramming that is GUARANTEED to work... or they'll find your body in a bath tub somewhere? (Ask this guy).

The WWE Enhancer, slowly and stubbornly "purifies" you of your "Bretans", A.K.A., the evil spirits that makes you care about things like "psychology" (and who better to re-educate you on psychology than Scientologists!), "work-rate" and "Wrestling", and reprograms you accordingly until you are (sports) entertained by the product. Soon, asses will be hilarious. Poop will be the cat's meow. And double entendres featuring not-so-cleverly veiled jabs at homosexuality will be your bread and butter. Your days of loving wrestling, err, Sports Entertainment are FINISHED!, err,wait;  we can't say "finish" can we?; Umm, they're done anyway. So order now! And for those strapped for cash... Wait. We can't say strap either. Anyway, we have a payment plan. I think.

Order now!

 

 DX SPRAY-PAINT FOR KIDS!

Now you, your little brother, and your friends can follow the example of total anti-authority and rebellion, that only a devout Christian and the Son-in-Law of the owner of a billion dollar empire can provide! Introducing, DX spray-paint for KIDS! Your perfect present for DXmas (We're taking that over too! Besides, you're better off; Santa has poor conditioning, a terrible look and can't work.).

So what are you waiting for? Go out and spread some DX mayhem! Spare no one! From your mom and dad, to your baby sister, to your grandma (she'll have two words for you: No dessert!) DX spray-paint works in ALL situations! Put the "fun" back in funerals! Watch the entire zoo staff try to desperately scrub the graffiti from an endangered species! It's Awesome!

So, order now, and spread some mischief! And while you're there, destroy every pair of children you see in your path! Even if it's four all at the same time. Sure it's not believable and does no one any good, but damn it, it's fun! Suck it!

 
 

 DVD:THE WORLD'S GREATEST WRESTLING DOUCHEBAGS!

From the people who brought you the acclaimed "World's Greatest Wrestling Managers" DVD comes: The World's Greatest Wrestling Douchebags!... A tribute to those individuals we here at WWE wish would just die.

Contained within: Brock Lesnar being cut from the Minnesota Vikings, looping repeatedly to the Benny Hill theme! Lex Luger's 'Lex Express' is ran over and obliterated by Steph and Hunter's clearly superior "luxury bus"! Vince McMahon reeducates Jeff Jarrett on "spelling" by mysteriously spelling "Goonnee" (not this) on the simulcast RAW/Nitro in 2001! Homosexual Mexican illegal immigrants are secretly dispatched to Warrior's Scottsdale home! And witness the self-destruction of Randy Savage...LITERALLY. (Vince placed a bomb inside him in 1988).

Order now!

 DVD: XFL: A REALLY GREAT IDEA!

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, it's also the source of an unending supply of material for the Chairman of the Board when it comes to certain "sore topics".

Introducing: "A Really Great Idea" (Seriously. It was. Trust us.: The XFL Story!".

Join Vince McMahon and Steve Lombardi (because he apparently lives in these studios) as they tackle The XFL; the Best football you never saw in your life! What more could you want? Credibility? Bah!

Plus, coming soon: "Twenty Years Too Soon: The WBF Story". And "The Rise And Fall Of... My Pants. Isn't It Super Hilarious?!" The follow-up to the "McMahon" DVD.

Order now!

 

 SKINNER: THE ULTIMATE ANTHOLOGY!

There are legends. Then there are people you barely remember from your childhood because they lost every match. Then there is Skinner.

 

Join WWE as we look at the amazing historic two year WWE career of the "Man from the Everglades" as he lost his "undefeated streak" in every match, for 700 days straight without anyone bothering to keep track of any records.

 

Contained within: Skinner's "legendary" battle with Bret Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with Owen Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with Randy Savage, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his opponent's finisher; and of course, Skinner's "legendary" battle with Bret Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his opponent's finisher; Wait. We already said that one (he did it more than once...).

 

Order now!

 

Coming soon: "It's Been Twenty F*cking Years. Can't You Just Call Me Terry Taylor Now?: The Tale of Red Rooster."

 DVD: (STEPHANIE) MCMAHON

Finally, there is a two-disc DVD to celebrate the many contributions of the Billion Dollar Princess! Like, umm, that one angle; no, that storyline she wrote in 2003; umm, no; umm, the time Jericho made fun of her boobs? YES.

Disc 1: Footage of Stephanie personally cutting the long blond hair of Simon Dean, Christian and Test, among others. Her amazing work with chimpanzees (She has taught them to write a TV show! Three of them in fact!). Plus, *Exclusive never-before-seen footage* of her conceiving Aurora Rose, with running commentary from a hand-held wielding Vince McMahon! "What a maneuver!"

Disc 2: The cumulative highlights of Stephanie's 5 year writing career. Running time: 35 seconds.

Order now!

 

 MISSY HYATT: LOOSE.

If you loved the DVD on the controversial life and times of Brian Pillman in "Brian Pillman: Loose Cannon"... chances are you saw a lot of people who had sex with Missy Hyatt. That's the DVD. Yup.

Contained within: Missy Hyatt hilariously sketches detailed drawings of the genitals of two generations of sports entertainers in a game of dirty Pictionary. (and just because she can.).

Order now!

 THE HISTORY OF THE LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!

For more than 2 years, the WWE Light-Heavyweight Title was the most coveted and important championship in the company, bar every other one they had. FINALLY, WWE takes a look at the LEGACY of this prestigious championship with a 3 disc DVD set! Witness the WARS between Gillberg and no one for a year and a half! Scotty 2 Hotty held it. I think. Xpac doesn't bother bringing it back in 2002! It's all here!

Order now!

 JOHN CENA RUBBER BRACELETS!

Hey, we know it's tough being a John Cena fan these days. And we know some of the kids at your school actually have hair in strange places now, but you don't. We can't help you there, but we can try and help you not get your ass kicked too severely. Introducing special monogrammed John Cena bracelets. So, get the word (WORD) out, because there are three currently available!

If you're a staunch unabashed supporter of the Doctor of Thuganomics, try the "Never Been Laid" version. Stand up for your boy! Whether you're ten years old,or just a plain fat and ugly woman, now you can show your support for John with this bracelet, and defiantly yell "Yes, I'm a virgin and no one loves me. But I'm a member of the chain gang and that means something. I think." (it might actually be better if you didn't say that on second thought.).

Also available: "This isn't mine. I swear!" and "Please Don't Kick My Ass" for those closeted fans who are afraid of backlash, or are quite frankly tired of spending 2/3rds of the day housed in their locker! (perhaps if you educated your feet ala Rob Van Dam you'd be able to run faster!)

Order now, and we'll throw in a complimentary "lock pick" for easy locker escapes, and an autographed picture of John swimming in a vault filled with money! Order now!

 
I'm Sean.

 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

 
http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/