The following "products" have been
just around the corner, what better way to spend your few
remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite
line-up of pay-per-views this year) then on the following
quality merchandise?! After all, if we don't move this
stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time
to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and
well, I don't think we need to tell you what that means!
(Seriously. We're not telling you. Everything is fine!
Every Monday night, the ladies of
the squared circle get "Raw". But now you don't have to! Introducing
the penultimate collectors item for those of us who love to
pretend our bodies are an amusement park. Introducing the Divas
Experience kit! Each "kit" comes with an animated
trash can (with pictorial "inspiration" just in case something
"unsexy" is on WWE programming at the time) to dispose of any
evidence of your evening, the highest quality hand lotion,
tissue paper for excess, and a lone sock, to sop up your
bounty. After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness! (Although, we
don't know this for sure. God hasn't answered our phone-calls since
we jobbed him out at Backlash.).
ORTON XMAS STOCKING... For
If you're like Randy Orton, when you
see a loved one, you probably can't wait to
affectionately throw your arms around them...and bring the
moment to a blindingly tedious halt with a series of extended
chinlocks. But hey, that's Randy. For everyone else
though, there's the RKO Christmas Stocking, to show that "special
lady" in your life what you really think of her. After
all, who is she to turn you down?! Doesn't
she realize you're a 3rd generation wrestling star and that
means she should instantly jump into the sack? How many World
titles did she have by 25 anyway? Yeesh.
"Fill" your stocking accordingly,
and send her a message she won't ever forget! And the best part?
You'll never have to hear her tell you that you didn't get her
shit for Christmas again!
Order now, and Randy will personally
sign your stocking, and also squeeze 2/3rds of a tube of
sun-tan lotion into the contents. Just because you're such a tease.
Get over yourself.
t'd be scientifically impossible for Lita to make love
to every WWE fan out there (although, from what I understand, she is
willing), but now she doesn't have to! You see, we here at WWE
have came up with the next best thing: The inflatable Lita blow-up
doll. Rigorously tested in Mexico (much like it's namesake),
and made of the finest plastic (much like it's namesake),
and able to withstand extreme temperatures (once again, much like
Lita herself. Well, she did "marry" Kane. Just puttin' two and two
together!) the Lita inflatable is widely considered the best,
and most durable* sex doll on the market! (at least according
to Jerry Lawler and his extensive "field
Each doll comes with a money (in the
bank?) back guarantee. Lita inflatable is guaranteed to hold up
under the most, umm, Extreme (2Xtreme?) conditions, and requires
less maintenance and constant repair than the real McCoy! It's
*Lita inflatable comes with a jar of
Vaseline, cleaning solution, and a patch kit, in the case it blows a
hole (and not your best friend!).
Just when you thought the "hilarity"
of the "Vince loves cock" T-shirt had finally
started, err I mean stopped, WWE head of talent
relations, John Laurinaitis has got in on the gag! We're proud to
introduce the Johnny Ace "Worthless Ass-hole" T-Shirt! After all,
why should the Chairman of the Board be the only one ridiculed with
an absolutely terrible animal pun?
Designed by the boys in the back
themselves, be the first fan to proudly display your "support"
for John Laurinaitis with this *Exclusive* shirt! Wish your
integrity well in all future endeavors!
The *real* Carlito may not give a
shit anymore, but we know you have to, so finally, there's a tool to
keep your bowl pristine and sparkling: The Carlito Toilet
Each Carlito brush is made from
excess amounts of the 300 pound Haku wig, and is guaranteed
to do any job! (except to Chris Masters. Everyone beats
Bonus function: Carlito brush is
SPRING-LOADED, and will proceed to nonsensically flip in the air
repeatedly, for NO GOOD REASON. It doesn't make any sense,
sure, but damn if it isn't cool (tee hee) to watch! Let's
see our competitors do that!
ain't your father's ECW anymore! In fact, it's not "yours"
either, or anybody's for that matter! It's ours, and damn it, we're
not changing for anyone! But that doesn't mean you can't buy some
With the success of the
Sandman's inflatable Singapore cane (made of HARDCORE RUBBER) WWE shop have
stepped up yet again, and developed some new products in the ECW
line! Yes sir, we
have some EXTREMELY GOOD DEALS FOR YOUR KIDS! Introducing "child
friendly" merchandise from the people who brought you Kelly's exposť, and
not that silly "wrestling" thing you remember. Your kids eyes will light
up (LITERALLY) when they see this brand new "hardcore" merchandise under
the tree. It's a new ECW! Make sure you bring your kids! And while
you're there, you might want to steer clear
of that man in the Hawaiian shirt and straw hat as well as
the guy in the dark shades with the beard; It can only end badly for you.
Trust us. EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-CUB!
FINALLY, there's a big bag of broken
glass...FOR KIDS! Yes sir. Introducing, the Taipei
Bag O'Fun! Hours of quality entertainment or no money back! (it's
the one thing we're keeping to with the old ECW.
You'll just love the look of
amazement and wonderment on your child's face, as your little
tyke comes face to face with his own mortality! The laughs will
never end as he and his siblings/friends "suit up" and
reenact their very own Taipei death match! And remember kids, if you
don't draw blood, you're doing it wrong!
Each bag comes with crazy glue
(for two more dollars you can SABU-SIZE it!) and athletic
tape for a truly authentic experience!
MY FIRST ECW
Now your kids can experience ECW the
way it was MEANT to be seen! Introducing "My first ECW Box-cutter".
A tool for helping your child develop believable "drama" in their
But remember kids: SAFETY FIRST.
When slicing a friend and/or yourself, be sure to make the
incision in the HAIRLINE. And here's a tip!: a
small cut mixed with sweat can produce a significant
blood-flow! You'll be the hit of the playground for
*Goes great with the "Taipei Bag
For those kids too young to handle
razor blades (under 4), but still want the all important visual of a
true crimson mask, WWE is proud to present: A GENUINE
PACKET OF HUMAN BLOOD! Just open up the heavy plastic sack and
spread it about your head and face for maximum effect! It's that
To keep to strict disease laws, each
packet is *personally* filled and inspected by highly respected WWE
Hall of Famer "Cowboy" Bob Orton! With "Ace" on the job, you better
believe your child's in good hands!
Note: Keep product away from
The Undertaker at all times. For whatever reason, he seems put off
RVD'S GIANT BAG OF
Whether he's rolling thunder, or
rolling papers, when it comes to the squared circle, no one gets
higher than Rob Van Dam! And he's got the DUI to prove
Take the next step with your love of
"Mr. Money in the Dank", and saddle the dragon
Giant Bag of Ganja!
Taken directly from his private stash
in a secret subterranean locker beneath his parents house
in Battle Creek Michigan!
Normally, we here at WWE frown upon
drug use, but our recent case studies show that those who are
totally wasted tend to not get off the sofa and change the
channel. So go for it!
Order now, and Rob will send you...
something! (He's probably stoned. It could be anything!
Keep your fingers crossed!).
THE WWE ENJOYMENT
With buyrates slipping, and house
show attendance down domestically, WWE has recently formed a
partnership with the Church of Scientology (McMahonism conquers a
new religion!) in an attempt to change all this, and also gain
an edge in the lucrative "brainwashing" and "mind control"
And with that said,
introducing: The WWE Enjoyment Enhancer, a two day reprogramming
that is GUARANTEED to work... or they'll find your body in a bath
tub somewhere? (Ask this guy).
The WWE Enhancer, slowly and
stubbornly "purifies" you of your "Bretans", A.K.A., the evil
spirits that makes you care about things like "psychology" (and
who better to re-educate you on psychology than
Scientologists!), "work-rate" and "Wrestling", and reprograms you
accordingly until you are (sports) entertained by the product. Soon,
asses will be hilarious. Poop will be the cat's meow. And double
entendres featuring not-so-cleverly veiled jabs at homosexuality
will be your bread and butter. Your days of loving wrestling, err,
Sports Entertainment are FINISHED!, err,wait; we can't say
"finish" can we?; Umm, they're done anyway. So
order now! And for those strapped for cash... Wait. We can't say
strap either. Anyway, we have a payment plan.
SPRAY-PAINT FOR KIDS!
Now you, your little brother, and
your friends can follow the example of total anti-authority
and rebellion, that only a devout Christian and the
Son-in-Law of the owner of a billion dollar empire can
provide! Introducing, DX spray-paint for KIDS! Your perfect present
for DXmas (We're taking that over too! Besides, you're better off;
Santa has poor conditioning, a terrible look and can't
So what are you waiting for? Go out
and spread some DX mayhem! Spare no one! From your mom and dad, to
your baby sister, to your grandma (she'll have two words for you: No
dessert!) DX spray-paint works in ALL situations! Put the "fun" back
in funerals! Watch the entire zoo staff try to desperately scrub the
graffiti from an endangered species! It's Awesome!
So, order now, and spread some
mischief! And while you're there, destroy every pair of children you
see in your path! Even if it's four all at the
same time. Sure it's not believable and does no one any good,
but damn it, it's fun! Suck it!
WORLD'S GREATEST WRESTLING
From the people who brought you the
acclaimed "World's Greatest Wrestling Managers" DVD comes: The
World's Greatest Wrestling Douchebags!... A tribute to those
individuals we here at WWE wish would just
Contained within: Brock Lesnar being
cut from the Minnesota Vikings, looping repeatedly to the Benny
Hill theme! Lex Luger's 'Lex Express' is ran over and
obliterated by Steph and Hunter's clearly
superior "luxury bus"! Vince McMahon reeducates Jeff
Jarrett on "spelling" by mysteriously spelling "Goonnee" (not
this) on the simulcast RAW/Nitro in 2001! Homosexual
Mexican illegal immigrants are secretly dispatched to
Warrior's Scottsdale home! And witness the self-destruction of Randy
Savage...LITERALLY. (Vince placed a bomb inside him in
A REALLY GREAT IDEA!
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt,
it's also the source of an unending supply of material for the
Chairman of the Board when it comes to certain "sore
Introducing: "A Really Great Idea"
(Seriously. It was. Trust us.: The XFL Story!".
Join Vince McMahon and Steve
Lombardi (because he apparently lives in these studios) as they
tackle The XFL; the Best football you never saw in your life! What
more could you want? Credibility? Bah!
Plus, coming soon: "Twenty Years Too
Soon: The WBF Story". And "The Rise And Fall Of... My Pants. Isn't
It Super Hilarious?!" The follow-up to the "McMahon"
THE ULTIMATE ANTHOLOGY!
There are legends. Then
there are people you barely remember from your childhood
because they lost every match. Then there is
Join WWE as we look at the
amazing historic two year WWE career of the "Man from
the Everglades" as he lost his "undefeated streak" in every match,
for 700 days straight without anyone bothering to keep track of any
Contained within: Skinner's "legendary" battle
with Bret Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only
official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his
opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with "Mr.
Perfect" Curt Hennig, where he illegally used a gator claw as his
only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his
opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with Owen
Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official
offense, before ultimately losing clean to his
opponent's finisher; Skinner's "legendary" battle with Randy
Savage, where he illegally used a gator claw as his only official
offense, before ultimately losing clean to his
opponent's finisher; and of course, Skinner's "legendary"
battle with Bret Hart, where he illegally used a gator claw as his
only official offense, before ultimately losing clean to his
opponent's finisher; Wait. We already said that one (he did it
more than once...).
Coming soon: "It's Been Twenty F*cking Years.
Can't You Just Call Me Terry Taylor Now?: The Tale of Red
Finally, there is a
two-disc DVD to celebrate the many contributions of the Billion
Dollar Princess! Like, umm, that one angle; no, that storyline she
wrote in 2003; umm, no; umm, the time Jericho made fun of her boobs?
Disc 1: Footage of Stephanie
personally cutting the long blond hair of Simon Dean, Christian and
Test, among others. Her amazing work with chimpanzees (She has
taught them to write a TV show! Three of them in fact!). Plus,
*Exclusive never-before-seen footage* of her conceiving
Aurora Rose, with running commentary from a hand-held wielding
Vince McMahon! "What a maneuver!"
Disc 2: The cumulative highlights of
Stephanie's 5 year writing career. Running time: 35
If you loved the DVD on the
controversial life and times of Brian Pillman in "Brian
Pillman: Loose Cannon"... chances are you saw a lot of people who
had sex with Missy Hyatt. That's the DVD. Yup.
Contained within: Missy Hyatt
hilariously sketches detailed drawings of the genitals of two
generations of sports entertainers in a game of dirty Pictionary.
(and just because she can.).
THE HISTORY OF THE
For more than 2 years, the WWE
Light-Heavyweight Title was the most coveted and
important championship in the company, bar every other one they
had. FINALLY, WWE takes a look at the LEGACY of this prestigious
championship with a 3 disc DVD set! Witness the WARS between
Gillberg and no one for a year and a half! Scotty 2 Hotty held it. I
think. Xpac doesn't bother bringing it back in 2002! It's all
JOHN CENA RUBBER
Hey, we know it's tough being a John
Cena fan these days. And we know some of the kids at your school
actually have hair in strange places now, but you don't. We can't
help you there, but we can try and help you not get your ass
kicked too severely. Introducing special monogrammed John Cena
bracelets. So, get the word (WORD) out, because there are three
If you're a staunch
unabashed supporter of the Doctor of Thuganomics, try
the "Never Been Laid" version. Stand up for your boy! Whether
you're ten years old,
or just a plain fat and ugly
woman, now you can show your support for John with this
bracelet, and defiantly yell "Yes, I'm a virgin and no one loves me.
But I'm a member of the chain gang and that means something. I
think." (it might actually be better if you didn't say
that on second thought.).
Also available: "This isn't mine. I
swear!" and "Please Don't Kick My Ass" for those closeted fans who
are afraid of backlash, or are quite frankly tired of spending
2/3rds of the day housed in their locker! (perhaps if you educated
your feet ala Rob Van Dam you'd be able to run
Order now, and we'll throw in a
complimentary "lock pick" for easy locker escapes, and an
autographed picture of John swimming in a vault filled with
money! Order now!
Sean Carless is a
man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald
spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling,
411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.