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WWE Superstars Recap for December 17, 2009

Good evening, readers, “Great” Scott here, and on time for a change!  The last few weeks have been hectic as all hell, but I’ll take 60 quality minutes to recap what is actually becoming a watchable show.  Last week’s episode of Superstars was really good…I hope WWE can follow up. 

This week’s Recommendation of the Week is another “AVOID” recommendation.  My wife rented Year One last weekend…it was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Ridiculously unfunny.  That’s all I’m going to say.

So, let’s get to our first match of the night…

Cryme Tyme vs. Mike Knox and Dolph Ziggler

Okay, the logic of this match makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Ziggler has won three weeks in a row and how he’s stuck in a tag match with Captain Caveman?  Well, Dolph Ziggler is quickly become my favorite wrestler, so I’m at least happy he’s on the show.

JTG and Ziggler start.  Ziggler is quickly arm dragged and flying shoulder blocked.  Ziggler retreats to the corner.  Ziggler fakes a test of strength, kicks JTG, and takes him over with a fireman’s carry.  Ziggler tags to Knox, who hits some hossy moves before tagging back to Ziggler.  Ziggler with a beatdown and some taunting on Shad.  Ziggler makes me smile by hitting the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap.  Ziggler clamps on a chinlock, but JTG escapes and makes the tag.  Shad beats Ziggler senseless, culminating in an overhead throw.  Shad hoists up Ziggler, but Knox blind tags his partner as Shad stuns Ziggler over the top rope.  Shad turns around just in time to get cross body blocked by Knox.  Apparently, Knox realizes that it’s time for a commercial, so he holds his ample gut and we head out.

I moved to a place where my credit would stink and nobody would care…but it wasn’t a renaissance fair, it was Sri Lanka.  Sri Lanka is the country with the coolest name EVER.

I tried to order 257 pizzas from Domino’s and they told me to fuck off…bastards.

We’re back, and Ziggler has Shad in a camel-clutch type hold.  JTG gets up, but Ziggler dropkicks his leg out of his leg (RIP Owen Hart).  Knox comes in and hits a “big” splash.  He follows up with some more generic big man shots and a bear hug.  Knox tags back to Ziggler, who goes for a quick pin.  Ziggler follows up with a series of elbows, finishing it…by tagging to Mike Knox.  Knox clamps on a rest hold that Shad punches his way out of, only to fall pray to an absolutely amazing dropkick by Mike Knox.  Holy shit!  That was actually really good!!  Ziggler tags back in, and finishes his four-elbow-drop move from earlier.  He clamps on a rear naked choke, but Shad gets up and flips him over.  Both men are down and in opposite corners.  Ziggler charges, but Shad clotheslines his head off.  Both men tag, with JTG getting the better of the exchange with a series of punches.  Knox tries to come back with a corner charge but JTG moves and hits a dropkick and a head slam out of the corner.  JTG tries for a pin, but Ziggler breaks it up.  Ziggler tries to get involved some more, but Shad hits his STO-esque finisher on him.  Knox clotheslines Shad out of the ring, but when he tries to hit a big boot on JTG, JTG moves and hits his Side Effect-esque finisher for the win.

Winners:  Cryme Tyme


This match was pretty much by the numbers, but Mike Knox’s dropkick adds half a Doc Brown.  So far, so good.

Oops, I spoke too soon, as we’re treated to a preview of The Marine 2: The Movie That’s Too Shitty for John Cena to be In.  I think Santino Marella would’ve been better in this movie, but that’s just me.

Vance Archer is in the back…and he’s generically walking!  This guy must’ve went to the Randy Orton School of Emoting.  Let’s see who he’s fighting and if I’ll care.

The best Christmas movies ever?  Die Hard, Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation.  If you haven’t seen any of these three movies, you are a terrible person and nobody likes you.  RENT THEM TODAY!

Fans from 50 states and 22 countries are going to be disappointed…just a prediction.

Vance Archer vs. Tommy Dreamer

Man, this Archer guy oozes boring.  Listen up WWE, because I’m going to tell you something…showing no emotion, using a limited boring move set, and beating the crap out of jobbers does not make you “intense.” 

Tieup to start.  Archer backed to the corner.  Archer with a knee lift and some shots to the back.  Dueling hip tosses end with Archer throwing Tommy by his face.  Dreamer fights back with a kick to the knee, but Archer returns to the offensive with a knee and punches.  Archer is worn out already, so he clamps on a rear bear hug.  Dreamer fights out, and hits a sloppy sunset flip.  Archer shrugs him off and hits some elbows and a leg drop.  Archer sends Dreamer to the ropes and hits a back elbow.  A pin attempt gets 1.99.  Archer with another rest hold…a bear hug.  Dreamer punches out, so Archer hits a belly-to-belly suplex.  A pin gets 2.01.  Archer with more punches and some yelling…whee.  If these announcers say “masterpiece of agony” one more time, I’m going to shove a pencil in my ear drums.  Dreamer fights back with more boring punches, and then hits a bulldog.  Archer fights out, but Tommy hits a DDT that gets 1.03 before Archer gets hit foot on the bottom rope.  Dreamer goes to the top to go for a frog splash, but he misses.  Archer hits a clothesline and another in the corner.  He follows up with a boot to the face.  Archer puts me…err, I mean Tommy Dreamer out of his misery with the reverse DDT (Dull Dull Tepid) for the victory.

Winner:  Vance Archer


That match was “bleh.”  Vance Archer is dull and just doesn’t have the personality to pull off this “intense” gimmick…he’s just boring.

The main event tonight is a rerun…MVP vs. Jack Swagger.  The first match wasn’t too bad.  Hopefully, they’ll work the kinks out this time.

The phrase “Knight F. Mohawk” is the most awesome phrase ever conceived.  Mr. T is frickin’ cool.  He’s awesome in Not Another Teen Movie.  In semi-related news, I can’t wait to see the A-Team movie…they might finally get a retro flick right…since they totally fucked up G.I. Joe and Transformers.

I’m realizing that the WWE has given me an early Christmas present…the second week in a row with no Ask a Diva segment!!  Merry Christmas to ME!!

Video Package for Sheamus…man, Cameron is giving this guy hell over on the RAW Rant.  I agree with Cameron to a point…Sheamus is at least a horse of a different color…or lack thereof.  Anything to put the belt on anyone but Cena or Orton is fine by me.  They might’ve rushed him a bit, but at least they’re elevating guys.  However, I’m thinking Dolph Ziggler might’ve been a better guy to elevate…at least he’s been around for a while.

Next, we get a RAW recap.  Dennis Miller went over like a lead balloon.  WWE needs to study their demographic a little more before trotting out these guest hosts…maybe Stephen Hawking next week?  And Maria as Diva of the Year?  I guess we know who’s giving Vince BJs this month.  Seriously, where the hell has she even been?  I wouldn’t kick Maria out of bed for eating crackers, but she’s about fifth on my depth chart (Mickie James, Gail Kim, Melina, and Katie Lea)…hell, she’s probably tied with Beth Phoenix and Natalia…

Our main event is up next.

Jack Swagger vs. MVP

Wouldn’t it be cooler if MVP had a number 1 on the back of his tights with MVP as his name…at least that would match his character a little better…it wouldn’t, however, make his outfit look any less fruity. 

A little trash talk to start, followed by some douchebaggery by Swagger.  Big MVP chant as he backs Swagger into the corner.  Swagger tries to jump MVP, but MVP clotheslines him and takes control.  Swagger hits a boot as MVP is distracted by the ref.  Swagger clamps on a front facelock that he turns into a side headlock.  MVP fights out and hits a hip toss, slam, and a crappy splash/knee thing.  He follows with a suplex and a floatover that gets 2.21.  Swagger fights back by tossing MVP to the corner and punching his lights out.  Swagger tries to whip MVP to the opposite corner, but MVP motes and hits a flying clothesline.  Swagger quickly regains control with a knee to the breadbasket.  Swagger tries to toss MVP, but MVP skins the car, only to get clotheslined back out.  Time for a commercial!

Video package for Zack Ryder…another guy who should get a push…at least he’s got a clearly defined character.  He needs to drop the “Woo woo woo” thing, but he’s got potential.

Verizon keeps goofing on AT&T’s coverage, but my Verizon phone isn’t such hot shit, either.  I hope the Verizon bigwigs don’t live in glass houses…

We’re back, and Swagger is working the arm of MVP with a hammerlock of sorts.  MVP gets up and elbows out, only to get kicked and taken back down.  MVP gets to the ropes, but that doesn’t stop Swagger from kicking the piss out of him.  Swagger stays on the attack, locking the hammerlock back on.  Swagger sends MVP arm-first into the corner, then goes outside to rack MVP’s arm over the ring apron.  This match is moving a tad on the slow side.  Swagger with some kicks to a prone MVP.  MVP punches out, but Swagger takes him back down and clamps on an overhand wristlock.  MVP back up, but knocked down again with a Swagger clothesline.  Swagger looks beat…which baffles me.  He locks on another hammerlock, but MVP reverses a charge to the corner, then back body drops Swagger.  MVP follows up with some punches, a clothesline, an elbow, and a knee.  He signals, and hits, the Ballin’ Elbow, but Swagger rolls under the ropes.  MVP grabs him, but Swagger racks MVP’s arm over the top rope.  Swagger tries to follow with the gutwrench powerbomb, but MVP flips out, only to get clotheslined.  Swagger tries to follow up with his Vader splash in the corner, but MVP yanks him down for a pin.  Swagger kicks out, but is promptly kicked in the face by MVP.  Wow, that kick NEVER hits.  MVP follows up with The Playmaker for the win.

Winner:  MVP


That match was about average, but it picked up at the end…I’ll give it an extra half Doc Brown as a Christmas gift.

Well, that show wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t all that great, either.  Before I get out of here, let me hand out my awards.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  The opening match was pretty good…but it’s narrowly beaten by Mike Knox’s super sexy caveman dropkick.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Three words: “Masterpiece of Agony.” 

Well, I’ll see you folks on Christmas Eve.  Good luck getting your Christmas shopping done!!  If you don’t celebrate Christmas, happy holidays to you!!  Have a “great” week.



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).