WWE Superstars Recap
for December 17, 2009
Good evening, readers, “Great” Scott here, and on time
for a change!
The last few weeks have been hectic as all hell, but
I’ll take 60 quality minutes to recap what is actually
becoming a watchable show. Last week’s
episode of Superstars was really good…I hope WWE can
follow up.
This
week’s Recommendation of the Week is another “AVOID”
recommendation.
My wife rented Year One last weekend…it was one
of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ridiculously
unfunny.
That’s all I’m going to say.
So, let’s get to our first match of the night…
Cryme Tyme vs. Mike Knox and
Dolph Ziggler
Okay, the logic of this match makes absolutely no sense
whatsoever.
Ziggler has won three weeks in a row and how he’s
stuck in a tag match with Captain Caveman? Well, Dolph
Ziggler is quickly become my favorite wrestler, so I’m
at least happy he’s on the show.
JTG
and Ziggler start.
Ziggler is quickly arm dragged and flying
shoulder blocked.
Ziggler retreats to the corner. Ziggler fakes a
test of strength, kicks JTG, and takes him over with a
fireman’s carry.
Ziggler tags to Knox, who hits some hossy moves
before tagging back to Ziggler. Ziggler with a
beatdown and some taunting on Shad. Ziggler makes me
smile by hitting the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap. Ziggler clamps
on a chinlock, but JTG escapes and makes the tag. Shad beats
Ziggler senseless, culminating in an overhead throw.
Shad hoists up Ziggler, but Knox blind tags his partner
as Shad stuns Ziggler over the top rope. Shad turns
around just in time to get cross body blocked by Knox.
Apparently, Knox realizes that it’s time for a
commercial, so he holds his ample gut and we head out.
I moved to a place where my credit would stink and
nobody would care…but it wasn’t a renaissance fair, it
was
I tried to order 257 pizzas from Domino’s and they told
me to fuck off…bastards.
We’re back, and Ziggler has Shad in a camel-clutch type
hold. JTG
gets up, but Ziggler dropkicks his leg out of his leg
(RIP Owen Hart).
Knox comes in and hits a “big” splash. He follows up
with some more generic big man shots and a bear hug.
Knox tags back to Ziggler, who goes for a quick pin. Ziggler follows
up with a series of elbows, finishing it…by tagging to
Mike Knox.
Knox clamps on a rest hold that Shad punches his
way out of, only to fall pray to an absolutely amazing
dropkick by Mike Knox. Holy shit! That was
actually really good!! Ziggler tags
back in, and finishes his four-elbow-drop move from
earlier. He
clamps on a rear naked choke, but Shad gets up and flips
him over.
Both men are down and in opposite corners. Ziggler charges,
but Shad clotheslines his head off. Both men tag,
with JTG getting the better of the exchange with a
series of punches.
Knox tries to come back with a corner charge but
JTG moves and hits a dropkick and a head slam out of the
corner. JTG
tries for a pin, but Ziggler breaks it up. Ziggler tries to
get involved some more, but Shad hits his STO-esque
finisher on him.
Knox clotheslines Shad out of the ring, but when
he tries to hit a big boot on JTG, JTG moves and hits
his Side Effect-esque finisher for the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Rating:
This match was pretty much by the numbers, but Mike
Knox’s dropkick adds half a Doc Brown. So far, so good.
Oops, I spoke too soon, as we’re treated to a preview of The Marine 2: The
Movie That’s Too Shitty for John Cena to be In. I think Santino
Marella would’ve been better in this movie, but that’s
just me.
Vance Archer is in the back…and he’s generically
walking! This guy must’ve
went to the Randy Orton School of Emoting. Let’s see who
he’s fighting and if I’ll care.
The best Christmas movies ever? Die Hard,
Christmas Story, and Christmas Vacation. If you haven’t
seen any of these three movies, you are a terrible
person and nobody likes you. RENT THEM TODAY!
Fans from 50 states and 22 countries are going to be
disappointed…just a prediction.
Vance Archer vs. Tommy
Dreamer
Man, this Archer guy oozes boring. Listen up WWE,
because I’m going to tell you something…showing no
emotion, using a limited boring move set, and beating
the crap out of jobbers does not make you “intense.”
Tieup to start.
Archer backed to the corner. Archer with a
knee lift and some shots to the back. Dueling hip
tosses end with Archer throwing Tommy by his face. Dreamer fights
back with a kick to the knee, but Archer returns to the
offensive with a knee and punches. Archer is worn
out already, so he clamps on a rear bear hug. Dreamer fights
out, and hits a sloppy sunset flip. Archer shrugs
him off and hits some elbows and a leg drop. Archer sends
Dreamer to the ropes and hits a back elbow. A pin attempt
gets 1.99.
Archer with another rest hold…a bear hug. Dreamer punches
out, so Archer hits a belly-to-belly suplex. A pin gets 2.01.
Archer with more punches and some yelling…whee.
If these announcers say “masterpiece of agony”
one more time, I’m going to shove a pencil in my ear
drums.
Dreamer fights back with more boring punches, and
then hits a bulldog. Archer fights
out, but Tommy hits a DDT that gets 1.03 before Archer
gets hit foot on the bottom rope. Dreamer goes to
the top to go for a frog splash, but he misses. Archer hits a
clothesline and another in the corner. He follows up
with a boot to the face. Archer puts
me…err, I mean Tommy Dreamer out of his misery with the
reverse DDT (Dull Dull Tepid) for the victory.
Winner: Vance Archer
Rating:
That match was “bleh.”
Vance Archer is dull and just doesn’t have the
personality to pull off this “intense” gimmick…he’s just
boring.
The
main event tonight is a rerun…MVP vs. Jack Swagger. The first match
wasn’t too bad.
Hopefully, they’ll work the kinks out this time.
The phrase “Knight F. Mohawk” is the most awesome phrase
ever conceived.
Mr. T is frickin’ cool. He’s awesome in
Not Another Teen Movie. In semi-related
news, I can’t wait to see the A-Team movie…they might
finally get a retro flick right…since they totally
fucked up G.I. Joe and Transformers.
I’m realizing that the WWE has given me an early
Christmas present…the second week in a row with no Ask a
Diva segment!!
Merry Christmas to ME!!
Video Package for Sheamus…man, Cameron is giving this
guy hell over on the RAW Rant. I agree with
Cameron to a point…Sheamus is at least a horse of a
different color…or lack thereof. Anything to put
the belt on anyone but Cena or Orton is fine by me. They might’ve
rushed him a bit, but at least they’re elevating guys.
However, I’m thinking Dolph Ziggler might’ve been
a better guy to elevate…at least he’s been around for a
while.
Next, we get a RAW recap. Dennis Miller
went over like a lead balloon. WWE needs to
study their demographic a little more before trotting
out these guest hosts…maybe Stephen Hawking next week?
And Maria as Diva of the Year? I guess we know
who’s giving Vince BJs this month. Seriously, where
the hell has she even been? I wouldn’t kick
Maria out of bed for eating crackers, but she’s about
fifth on my depth chart (Mickie James, Gail Kim, Melina,
and Katie Lea)…hell, she’s probably tied with Beth
Phoenix and Natalia…
Our main event is up next.
Jack Swagger vs. MVP
Wouldn’t it be cooler if MVP had a number 1 on the back
of his tights with MVP as his name…at least that would
match his character a little better…it wouldn’t,
however, make his outfit look any less fruity.
A little trash talk to start, followed by some
douchebaggery by Swagger. Big MVP chant as
he backs Swagger into the corner. Swagger tries to
jump MVP, but MVP clotheslines him and takes control.
Swagger hits a boot as MVP is distracted by the
ref.
Swagger clamps on a front facelock that he turns
into a side headlock. MVP fights out
and hits a hip toss, slam, and a crappy splash/knee
thing. He
follows with a suplex and a floatover that gets 2.21.
Swagger fights back by tossing MVP to the corner
and punching his lights out. Swagger tries to
whip MVP to the opposite corner, but MVP motes and hits
a flying clothesline. Swagger quickly
regains control with a knee to the breadbasket. Swagger tries to
toss MVP, but MVP skins the car, only to get
clotheslined back out. Time for a
commercial!
Video package for Zack Ryder…another guy who should get
a push…at least he’s got a clearly defined character. He needs to drop
the “Woo woo woo” thing, but he’s got potential.
Verizon keeps goofing on AT&T’s coverage, but my Verizon
phone isn’t such hot shit, either. I hope the
Verizon bigwigs don’t live in glass houses…
We’re back, and Swagger is working the arm of MVP with a
hammerlock of sorts. MVP gets up and
elbows out, only to get kicked and taken back down. MVP gets to the
ropes, but that doesn’t stop Swagger from kicking the
piss out of him.
Swagger stays on the attack, locking the
hammerlock back on. Swagger sends
MVP arm-first into the corner, then goes outside to rack
MVP’s arm over the ring apron. This match is
moving a tad on the slow side. Swagger with
some kicks to a prone MVP. MVP punches out,
but Swagger takes him back down and clamps on an
overhand wristlock. MVP back up, but
knocked down again with a Swagger clothesline. Swagger looks
beat…which baffles me. He locks on
another hammerlock, but MVP reverses a charge to the
corner, then back body drops Swagger. MVP follows up
with some punches, a clothesline, an elbow, and a knee.
He signals, and hits, the Ballin’ Elbow, but Swagger
rolls under the ropes.
MVP grabs him, but Swagger racks MVP’s arm over
the top rope.
Swagger tries to follow with the gutwrench
powerbomb, but MVP flips out, only to get clotheslined.
Swagger tries to follow up with his Vader splash
in the corner, but MVP yanks him down for a pin. Swagger kicks
out, but is promptly kicked in the face by MVP. Wow, that kick
NEVER hits.
MVP follows up with The Playmaker for the win.
Winner:
MVP
Rating:
That match was about average, but it picked up at the
end…I’ll give it an extra half Doc Brown as a Christmas
gift.
Well, that show wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t all that
great, either.
Before I get out of here, let me hand out my
awards.
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness
Award: The opening
match was pretty good…but it’s narrowly beaten by Mike
Knox’s super sexy caveman dropkick.
Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Three words:
“Masterpiece of Agony.”
Well, I’ll see you folks on Christmas Eve. Good luck
getting your Christmas shopping done!! If you don’t
celebrate Christmas, happy holidays to you!! Have a “great”
week.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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