Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



WWE Superstars Recap for December 10, 2009


Okay, so this recap is very late.  There are two reasons for this: I like the Boston Celtics far more than I like recapping this crappy show and Hulu doesn't post shows until four days after they've aired.  One sub-reason for the late posting is that WWE doesn't show full episodes of shows on its Web site, further telling me that WWE is completely retarded.  So, I'm watching the HULU version of Superstars, so I'm assuming I won't be recapping the commercials tonight.


My Recommendation of the Week is the same as it's been the last two weeks.  Read my awesome column on surviving the holidays.  It could save your LIFE!!  Read it HERE.


Now that I've done my public service for the day, let's get on to the show.


Dolph Ziggler vs. Finlay


Okay, at least I'll be watching a decent match to start things off.  Apparently, Dolph Ziggler has taken John Morrison's place as "Superstars Guy That Fights Every Week."  I suppose I could do worse.


Collar and elbow tieup to start.  Finlay forces Ziggler to the corner, but the two combatants keep the tieup locked on.  Ziggler hits some shots in the corner, but Finlay takes him down.  Ziggler retreats to the ropes.  Finlay angrily kicks Ziggler's head and the two restart.  Ziggler with kicks and a headlock takedown.  Striker points out that Finlay's arm is being wrenched.  Finlay tries a surprise pin, but doesn't get the duke.  Finlay fights his way out and takes Ziggler down.  Ziggler gets to the ropes and Finlay's forced to break.  Ziggler tries a surprise takedown out of the corner, but Finlay stops him and hits a European uppercut and a short arm clothesline.  Two more European uppercuts lead to a pin attempt.  Ziggler fights back and sends Finlay to the outside.  Ziggler tries to follow up with a baseball slide, but Finlay catches Ziggler in the ring apron and beats the crap out of him.  Ziggler gets back in the ring and tries to ambush Finlay with an elbow drop, but Finlay moves out of the way.  Finlay tries to get back in the ring again, but Ziggler puts a shoulder into Finlay's gut and slams his head to the post.  Ziggler wrenches Finlay's arm over the bottom rope and goes for a pin, but only gets 1.12.  Ziggler goes to work on Finlay's arm, but Finlay forearms out.  Ziggler hits a dropkick to regain control.  Ziggler Irish (IRONY?) whips Finlay into the corner, but the two clunk heads and both men are down.  This gives us time for a commercial break…


Ah, crap, I gotta' sit through WWE commercials on Hulu.  Since I'm doing this recap late, I learned that Sheamus actually beat SuperCena on Sunday.  I only have one word to say about that….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Too damned funny.  Points to WWE for an ending that most people wouldn't expect.


Ah, double crap, now there's a Dove commercial…and it appears that normal soap leaves um…."scum" stains on you.  It looks as if they could've left a letter off of that…and I'll let you figure out that little puzzle.


We're back, and Ziggler's still working the arm.  Ziggler proves why he's my favorite wrestler right now by hitting the Mr. Perfect neck snap.  He also rolls over for the pin just like old Curt used to do.  Ziggler goes to the second rope, but he leaps right into Finlay's boots.  Finlay hits a WICKED toss, some clotheslines, and his butt splash.  Finlay charges Ziggler in the corner, but Ziggler gets a foot up.  Ziggler tries to go to the second rope again, but Finlay trips him up.  Finlay tries another charge, but Ziggler moves and hits the Zig Zag for the win.


Winner:  Dolph Ziggler




I think this is the best match I've seen on Superstars.  It's a shame that Ziggler continues to stew in the midcard.


We're back, with an MVP interview!?  He sounds a lot like Red Foxx.  MVP decides to take a cheap shot at Swagger's lisp.  Come on, I thought only crappy Web recappers like me took cheap shots like that.  I guess not.


Another commercial...this one for Dove shampoo…wheee!


We're on to the next match after the break…


The Hart Dynasty vs. Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang


So Jimmy Wang Yang is an Asian rapper redneck now?  Agonizing.  Also, is this the best you can do in the tag team division, WWE?  Seriously? 


SMJ with a front facelock takedown, quick tag to JWY, who hits a sunset flip and an amrbar.  SMJ with a snapmare and a kick to the back.  Lots of quick moves by SMJ, who tags in to JMY, who hits a standing splash.  JWY stays on the offense and Kidd retreats to the outside.  Yang tries to stay on the offensive, but Natalya trips and SLAMS Yang!  Awesome!  Kidd tags to Smith, who starts the beatdown.  Big slam by Smith is followed by a chinlock.  Yang tries to fight out, but two knees and a pair of belly-to-belly suplexes stops that quickly.  Smith hits a modified Samoan drop and tags to Kidd, who goes for a splash, but hits nothing but denim-clad knees.  Yang makes the tag, and SMJ hits some shoulder blocks and a flying head scissors.  He follows that with a cool move that looks sort of like Kurt Angle's Olympic Slam.  SMJ goes for the cover, but Smith makes the save.  Yang dropkicks Smith out of the ring and follows up with a flying body press.  SMJ tries to suplex Kidd, but Tyson escapes and kicks him right in the chin.  Kidd hits a modified stunner and gets the three count.


Winners:  The Hart Dynasty




Wow, another really good match…especially considering that "Slam Master J" was involved.  I'm amazed so far.  I almost feel bad that I skipped this for my Celtics game…almost.


Another John Cena commercial…that's actually a public service announcement.  I promise to NEVER try to be a black guy or not sell my friend's moves.  I also promise to never star in crappy movies that I'm so embarrassed with I won't even be in the sequel.


The Slammy Awards are coming tonight…whoop-dee-doo.


Shit, now we have to sit through a Randy Orton video package.  Randy Orton's father told him he would be a star?  Cowboy Bob, you are a LIAR!!  Orton also says that no one is better than him…debatable…unless we're talking about chinlocks and apathy.


More video package goodness, as we're treated to a review of last week's RAW.  At least Mark Cuban was into what he was doing…and he seemed to know at least a little about the product.  The WWE also whipped out some CONTINUINTY!!  I don't frickin' believe it.


Lastly, I don't like that they let Cuban put Sheamus on his ass, but the bit was actually pretty cool.  The segment did its job, overall…in my humble opinion.


Well, we're on to the main event, which is…


Jack Swagger vs. MVP


Before the match, we get to listen to the lisp-addled speech of Jack Swagger.  Jack Swagger tries to defend his lisp, but becomes the butt of the joke, anyway.  Swagger says that he doesn't need catchphrases, but uses one at the end of his rambling speech…ha.


Batista/Undertaker video package.  This match literally couldn't be any more boring.  Undertaker can't sell a chair shot properly to save his life…why put him in a match involving chairs?  Whatever.


Another Dove commercial…fun.


We're back, and Swagger is still posing like douche.  This is taking forever.  I guess MVP complained about having to go for over 15 minutes.  Finally, MVP is out, with his uber-gay outfit.  Come on, man, put the sleeves back on or go to a singlet.  Or, go with the top with a pair of track pants…or something.


Okay, after 30 minutes of introductions, the match is underway.  Swagger starts with a go behind and shove.  MVP charges and Swagger retreats.  The one fan in the crowd with a brain has a sign that says "Swagger Ziggler deserve better."  Amen.  Swagger with a side headlock takedown.  MVP escapes with a head scissors, but Swagger hits another headlock takedown.  MVP battles back up, shoving Swagger into the ropes.  Swagger hits a shoulder tackle, but is hip tossed twice by MVP before bailing to the outside.  MVP with his wacky pose while Swagger clears the cobwebs.  Another tie up, and Swagger clamps on an overhand wristlock.  The crowd starts up its second "MVP" chant.  MVP fights out and starts the beatdown, which is punctuated with a flying clothesline.  MVP goes for the Ballin' Elbow, but Swagger rolls out of the ring to escape.  MVP, however, has other ideas, as he hits a nice flying cross body over the top rope.  This allows us some time for more commercials.


During the break, we get a Jack Swagger video package and another Dove commercial.  These are followed by a Cena/Sheamus video package. 


We've back in time to see an MVP suplex.  After a pin attempt, MVP locks on an arm bar.  Swagger punches out, and beats on MVP in the corner.  Swagger tries to follow with an Irish whip, but MVP esca…no he doesn't.  Swagger catches MVP and hits a powerslam to the turnbuckles, then to the mat.  Swagger follows the slams up with a double chicken wing, which he turns to a pin attempt.  Swagger stays on the offensive with two clubbing blows, but MVP turns the tables with a belly-to-belly throws, some haymakers, a backdrop, a clothesline, and a HHH-esque knee.  All of this offense sets up the Ballin' Elbow.  Swagger goes for the Playmaker, but Swagger holds on to the ropes.  Swagger goes for a clothesline, but MVP ducks and does for a rollup.  He gets a 2.45 count, and a 2.78 count on a second attempt.  Swagger hits a knee to the midsection and the Vader splash.  Swagger tries for a neckbreaker that looks really fake, but MVP holds the ropes in a horrible spot.  MVP hits a wicked boot to Swagger's face (which might actually help to properly align Jack's Gary Busey teeth), and gets a 2.996 count.  MVP stays on the attack, but Swagger drops him on the top turnbuckle.  Swagger hits the gutwrench powerbomb for the win.


Winner:  Jack Swagger




That match was good, but it didn't really do much for me.  The one dopey neckbreaker spot was kinda' silly…and the pace was a little more sluggish.  I think if they would've pared down the intros and had more wrestling, that would've been better.


Well, there you have it.  Let's give out some awards so we can blow this pop stand.


1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  The whole card was good, but the first match was probably the best on Superstars so far.  Also, an honorable mention goes to no Ask a Diva segment on Hulu.


Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Watching this on Hulu with its endless video packages, especially those with Cena and Orton.


That's it for the delayed recap…I'll be back this week at my regularly scheduled time.




Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).