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WWE Superstars Recap for December 3, 2009

What's up, folks?  "Great" Scott is here and he's at least 10 pounds heavier, post-Thanksgiving.  Since it hurts to move, I don't mind sitting on the couch and watching WWE's equivalent to Thanksgiving leftovers.

I was lazy with editing last week's recap, so you can read it HERE.

Just because I'm a self-serving bastard, this week's Recommendation of the Week is the same as last week's…read my article about surviving the holidays.  It will change your LIFE!!  Link to it HERE.

Legacy vs. Evan Bourne and Primo

Man, talk about two guys getting by on name against two guys with fifty times more talent that can’t get anywhere.  Rhodes and Primo start things off.  Arm workage by Rhodes to start.  Primo escapes with a head scissors and gains control with a headlock takedown.  Rhodes backed to the face corner, where Primo and Bourne hit a drop toehold/leg drop move.  Rhodes escapes and tags to DiBiase, whose ass is quickly kicked by Evan Bourne.  Borne tags to Primo, who kicks diBiase and tries for a pin.  An Irish whip out of the corner leads to a boot and clothesline by DiBiase.  Ted tags to Rhodes and the two perform some mud stomping in the corner.  Another quick tag back to DiBiase.  Another tag to Rhodes.  Rhodes with a side Russian leg sweep and a tag back out to DiBiase.  DiaBiase with some basic heel offense.  Primo flips over DiBiase and tags to Bourne, who kicks the crap out of DiBiase until Rhodes low bridges him.  Even goes flipping to the outside, so let’s flip to some commercials.

The Domino’s mix-and-match deal…get your choice of poop, crud, or dung!  Yum!

I was born too early…car trips for me meant reading and doing stupid puzzles…now there’s frickin’ PSPs and DVD players…ummm, I think I’m officially old.

I was going to go to Stonehenge, but I forgot Clark Grizzwold knocked it over…bastard.

We’re back, and Rhodes has a chinlock clamped on, but Bourne quickly escapes.  Some tricky maneuvering leads to a DiBiase clothesline.  This allows DiBiase to clamp on another rest hold.  Bourne gets back up, but is promptly beaten back down by DiBiase, who tags to Rhodes.  Rhodes steals his partner’s father’s fist drop, and then hits a suplex.  A rolling knee drop by Rhodes is followed by a pin for 2.13.  Bourne hits a kick and some punches, but Rhodes blocks a blow and locks in a CROSSFACE CHICKEN WING!!!  Shades of Bob Backlund!!  Bourne rams Rhodes into the corner and escapes.  Rhodes charges Bourne in the corner, but he moves.  Bourne almost gets the tag, but Rhodes recovers and pulls him back.  DiBiase is back in the ring to beat on Evan some more.  This match is actually good.  Dibiase stands on Bourne’s face and yells at the crowd.  A pin attempt gets 1.99.  DiBiase tags Rhodes again and some nice double teaming follows.  Rhodes with a pin attempt that gets 2.006.  Another tag to DiBiase, who chokes Bourne on the second rope in a manner most evil.  DiBiase arrogantly tries a suplex, but Bourne knees him in the head and hits a nice low running elbow.  Both men tag, and Primo is una casa de fuego.  Primo continues with a flying elbow, some clotheslines, and some dropkicks.  Rhodes tries to fight back, but Primo hits a flying crossbody off the top rope and a dropkick on Dibiase, who is trying to interfere.  Rhodes reverses an Irish whip, but Primo maintains control.  Bourne comes in and launches on to DiBiase, who is outside the ring.  Unfortunately, this distracts Primo long enough for Rhodes to sneak up from behind to hit his CrossRhodes for the win.

Winner:  Legacy

Rating: 

That match was really pretty good…it had everything a good tag match should have.  I’m not a huge fan of Legacy, but they didn’t do bad tonight.

The Ask a Diva segment was even more agonizing than normal.

Zack Ryder is in the back, and he’s walking!!  Rosa is with him, and she’s talking!!

A Jeff Hardy DVD?  Now?  Really?  I still can’t get a damn Ted DiBiase DVD, but Jeff Hardy’s gone a week and he gets one!?!  Come on!

What’s so good about “bees’ knees?”

Did you know that more people watched Superstars than any show on three shitty networks?

The Hurricane vs. Zack Ryder

Why do they give The Hurricane a cool entrance only to hand him his ass every match?  Man, he is completely underused…I think I actually hate the WWE creative team.

Tieup to start.  Hurricane backed to the corner and shoved by Ryder.  The Hurricane reorts with a side headlock.  Ryder escapes, but the Hurricane hits his hurri-pose and an armdrag.  Hurricane stays on the arm until Ryder hits a pair of knees and a suplex.  A Ryder elbow drop misses.  Hurricane hits a leg drop and clamps on a front facelock.  Ryder backs Hurricane to the corner.  Ryder attempts a cheap shot out of the corner, but Hurricane escapes, only to be leg lariated by ryder.  Ryder continues the assault with a forearm to the back and a bevy of kicks.  A pin attempt gets 1.04.  Ryder works the back, but Hurricane escapes and lands some punches before Ryder sends him to the corner.  Hurricane regains control with a clothesline, a punch, a Thesz press, and some mounted punches.  Ryder tries a corner charge, but Hurricane hits a screaming European uppercut and a bulldog.  The Hurricane heads to the top, but Ryder cuts him off.  Ryder tries for a superplex, but Hurricane blocks it and headbutts him down.  A cross body block by The Hurricane is followed by a shining wizard kick that sends Ryder to the outside.  While Hurricane waits for Ryder to get back in, a “masked assailant” that is in no way Paul Burchill attacks The Hurricane and hits a move that is in no way anything like Paul Burchill’s finisher.

Winner:  The Hurricane (by DQ)

Rating: 

An average match, but I’m going to give it an extra half doc brown for actually advancing a storyline…even if it is the “already gone on too long” Hurricane/Burchill feud.

My Celtics are winning by six with four minutes left in the first quarter.

I return to WGN just in time to catch a DX video package…whee!

Now I get to sit through the RAW Rebound.  I have to say that I don’t hate the elevation of Sheamus as much as some people…it’s better than ANOTHER Orton vs. Cena match.  However, if Sheamus screws this up, he’ll be the next Braden Walker.  I’m also pissed about how Carlito was buried.  Especially since he’s done as much to advance the Sheamus/Cena feud as anyone else.  I’m also kinda’ pissed that Sheamus just walked off…isn’t he supposed to be an unbeatable monster?  But Kozlov and Jackson are unbeatable monsters that get beaten every week, I guess, so it makes sense it a WWE way. 

Undertaker vs. Batista in a deadly….chair match.  Dear sweet Jesus.

Enough shilling, it’s time to get to our main event…

Matt Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler

Let’s see, last time Hardy main evented, he produced a real turd-tastic match with Kane.  Hopefully, Ziggler will be a better dance partner.

We get some commercials before the match starts, include one in which John Cena says, "That is the code in which I live by," which is completely ridiculous…he tries to avoid putting a preposition at the end by saying, "in which I live," but then ruins it by putting a "by" on the end.  Awesome.

I don’t think a Boll Weevil could take an aardvark…but that’s just me.

Stupid ass Blitzen…he needs to get his shit together.

Man, there is a lot of orange in this ring.  Hardy gets a chant!  A tie up and an arm wringer by Hardy to start.  Hardy stays in control for a little bit until Ziggler backs him to the corner and belts him with a cheap shot.  A heel pin by Ziggler angers Hardy, who throws a wild haymaker.  Ziggler ducks and hauls ass.  Hardy tries to bring Ziggler in with a suplex, but Ziggler reverses and goes on the offensive.  Unfortunately, Ziggler puts his head down and Hardy kicks him and sends him to the outside with a clothesline.  Hardy follows with a baseball slide and bounces Ziggler's head off the apron.  Hardy hits a second rope elbow and signals for the Twist of Fate, but Ziggler retreats the corner.  Hardy continues the assault with a nice seated powerbomb as Ziggler tries to hold the corner ropes.  Ziggler is in a bad way, so let’s go to some commercials.

Mark Cuban is hosting RAW…I suppose you could do worse.  He’ll be Ric Flair compared to Vern Troyer.

Any movie where Batman and The Fonz work at a morgue seems like a winner to me.

The Celtics are now up by eight with 9:40 left in the second quarter…I should be watching this.  My loyalty to the three or four of you who read my recaps is staggering.

Back to the action, and Ziggler has a chinlock on.  Hardy escapes, and tries to superplex Ziggler.  Ziggler fights back and sweeps Hardy’s leg, sending Hardy crashing to the mat.  Ziggler hooks both legs, but doesn’t get the win.  Ziggler screams and chokes Hardy out on the ropes.  Ziggler taunts Hardy, allowing Matt to land some kicks and punches.  Ziggler rams Hardy back-first into the corner and starts pounding him.  Ziggler hits a slam, removes his elbow pad, and then hits his patented elbows…with a delay on the last one.  A pin attempt gets 2.69.  Ziggler locks on a chinlock/leg scissors combo.  Hardy is up and out with a throw.  Punches are exchanged, but Hardy hits a pair of clotheslines and some elbows to regain control.  Hardy hits a sleeperhold drop, but can’t get a three count.  Hardy goes to the second rope, right into a Ziggler kick and a head slam to the mat.  A pin attempt can’t get it done for Ziggler.  Ziggler goes for another slam, but Hardy fights out.  He goes for the Twist of Fate again, but Ziggler escapes.  Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but Hardy holds on to the ropes.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate AGAIN, but Ziggler uses a backslide and gets the win.  Perhaps the third time ISN'T such a charm.

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler

Rating: 

That was a good match, too.  Very good.

Before I take my leave of you, let me hand out some awards.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Actually, the whole show gets the award!!  The whole show is pretty awesome!  This might be exaggeration, but who cares?

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Nothing was all that bad…ummm…let’s give it to Paul Burchill’s stupid new masked man gimmick.

Have a “great” weekend…or else…

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).