WWE Superstars Recap for November 19, 2009
Yes, people, I’m back…whether you like it or not. I’m “Great” Scott and I’m going to spend the next hour telling you about a show that you could, if you had any damn balls, watch on your own. I’ll let it slide this time, but next time…
As I’ve done in previous weeks, let me start the recap with “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week. This week we have a FIRST!! The history books will remember this day, as I’m going to recommend something that you should AVOID. Not only avoid, but avoid like the PLAGUE. This past weekend, I watched one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen—Observe and Report. Dear God, what a horrible movie. On top of it being depressing (and yes, I realize it’s trying to be a DARK comedy, but it was too stupid to pull it off) and not at all funny, there’s about 15 minutes of straight up fat man penis. In the 80s, raunchy comedies used to have at least topless women…now, it’s all about body plums and bare man-ass. I was Roger Ebert, I’d cut my damn thumbs OFF after watching this movie. It’s the wrestling equivalent of…actually, it was so bad I can’t even think of a wrestling-related metaphor. It was horrible.
Now that I’ve saved you three to twenty dollars and 90 minutes of valuable time, let’s head down to the ring for our opening bout…
Uh oh, first, we learn that our main event is Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry. Poop.
Hey, the ECW announcer chick changed her final syllable inflection! Yay! Oops, never mind…she did it with Zack Ryder’s last name…so she’s batting .500. Man, they need to get some more guys on ECW, STAT…these feuds go on for decades, it seems.
Zack immediately bails as
Man, Superstars even gets boring COMMERCIALS! Since I’m bored with them, let me talk about RAW on Monday…it seems as if it should’ve been a hit, what with a host that actually knows something about the product, a Santino match (well….sort of), Hornswoggle getting wrecked, a spot-fest main event, and Randy Orton getting his ass handed to him (even if they botched Kofi's intro). However, the show just didn't feel right. I don't know why…I think it was because they were trying too hard.
We’re back, and Ryder is in control. Rosa Mendes is
pleased (that she has a job still). Ryder works a
seated abdominal stretch until Benjamin gets up and
Benjamin bounds off the ropes…and right into a
Zack Ryder knee.
For some reason, Ryder works the neck, despite
working the back and abdomen two seconds earlier. Benjamin punches
out, and then punches some more. Ryder tries to
regain control, but Benjamin leaps off the ropes…and
misses completely, but Ryder sells it otherwise. Benjamin hits
the stinger splash, but the two men collide in mid-air
with dueling cross body blocks. All of a sudden,
Winner: Zack Ryyyyye-durrrrr (As pronounced by the ring announcer chick)
The match was average, but a slight bump in score because of the clever ending. They seldom work an inane diva’s storyline into a match…but they did here. Sure, it was hokey, but I can't say that I've seen a phone worked into an ending since the days of Paul E. Dangerously.
Ask a Diva…the less said the better. I will say, that when Beth Phoenix tries to look like a woman, she succeeds. She’s the anti-Chyna.
The chick from Bones looks like Katie Lea Burchill.
Survivor series quiz….which Survivor Series main eventer are you…let's look at the questions…
· Do you have a closet full of jean shorts?
· Have you ever kicked a friend or business partner through a barber shop window?
· Have you ever dated a transvestite?
· Do you refuse to allow younger people to ever beat you at anything?
· Are you a fan of Vanilla Ice, Snow, or Marky Mark?
· Have you ever married your boss's daughter to get ahead at work?
· Do you use your influence at work to get jobs for untalented friends or family members?
Funny, I answered the questions and it said I would be the Gobbledy Gooker…damn it.
Then they talk about the worst Survivor Series team names. I went to WWE.com and looked at that. They said Rude’s Brood was a crappy name. Screw you, WWE.
We get a Rey/Batista video package…I’m actually getting together with some friends to get the Survivor Series PPV, and this is the “The Pizza’s Here” match. I’m literally looking forward to the Diva’s match more than this. Batista is essentially an unlikable version of Lex Luger. His promos suck, he can’t wrestle, and from what I’ve heard, he’s a real-life douche bag. One good part of the video package sees Rey flip the table, cartoon-style, onto Batista during the "contract signing" or whatever the hell it was. It was funny to see Batista’s legs waggle from under the table.
Oh Christ, I’m being punished for my sins because the WWE still thinks it’s worthwhile to trot Eddie Guerrero’s fat cow wife out here to scream at us. She’s introducing a new scent called Escobar….oh wait, that’s just the theme music for a crappy generic Puerto Rican wrestler. Let’s get on to a match that I’m sure is going to suck.
Eric Escobar (with a woman that’s a cow) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang (who pretends to be a cowboy)
The two men lock up. Punches from Escobar and a missed clothesline lead to a Yang kick that misses by a mile, but Escobar sells like a champ. Escobar on the attack, finishing with a move that actually looks pretty cool that’s sort of like a backwards STO. Dragon sleeper. Yang hits some knees to the head to attempt an escape, but Escobar hits two backbreakers and a clothesline to maintain control. Escobar lays down a beating in the corner, but Jimmy fights back with an elbow and flying dropkick. Punches from Yang and some more crappy kicks…man, old Jimmy is fighting loose tonight. A leg lariat in the corner and a flying cross body get JWY a 2.57 count. Yang goes for his moonsault, but Escobar rolls out of the ring. Yang tries to continue the attack, but the screaming banshee at ringside prevents it from happening. Yang watches Escobar for about 10 seconds before Escobar remembers that he's supposed to clotheslines Yang off the apron. Back in the ring, Escobar hits a running forward dropkick on Jimmy Wang Yang for the three count.
Winner: Eric Escobar
I hate Vickie. I didn’t really care for the match, either. Oh, hold on…they’re making out. I’m going to perform ANOTHER first and actually lower the score due to the fact that seeing Vickie kiss ANYTHING is truly vomit-inducing. Can’t they just give her some money and cut her loose?
That was disgusting.
Drew McIntyre video package that consists of precisely three moves…clothesline, kick, double-underhook DDT. Dude, Sheamus’ video package had one more move than that. And this guy is a future champion? Really? Well, I guess one guy did it with punches, a boot, and a leg drop…sigh. Well, tell me when this guy's going to be a champ so I’ll know when I shouldn’t care anymore.
ANOTHER video package on the stuff that has happened at
The two main events at the PPV really intrigue me, as do the two traditional matches. The WWE has the chance to shake things up a little on Sunday…but I’m not getting my hopes up.
Oh boy, main event time.
Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry
Cody Rhodes tries to be more interesting by chewing gum. Whew, that’s one hell of an image change, chief... I barely recognized you. Oh, I guess they haven’t gotten done hosing down Mark Henry yet, so we need to go to commercials.
They need to create a freecreditreport.com commercial soundtrack. I would totally buy it.
Potholes sound like Reese Witherspoon in
Before Henry comes out, we see the shitty ending of last week’s match. MVP botched whatever he was doing, so he ended with the dreaded small package. Henry in, looking like the red M&M from the commercial…too bad he couldn’t team with Viscera in a yellow singlet…
Match begins with some weak-ass Rhodes punches and
Hannibal Lecter can’t pronounce “Chianti” correctly (it’s “key-on-tee,” not “kee-ant-ee”).
I’ve said it three times already; skip the GTA sequels and get Saint’s Row 2…trust me.
We’re back, and Henry boots
As Henry tries to pursue, Rhodes kicks the stairs into
his legs, but then
Winner: Mark Henry
That match was better than it had any right to be. It wasn’t bad at all…but it wasn’t great at all, either.
Before I get to watching The Office, let me quickly hand out some awards.
The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Using a cell
phone call to end a match…PURE GENIUS. No, there’s no
The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Lots of contenders here…Vickie, Eric Escobar, sub-par matches, too many video packages. I’ll let them fight amongst themselves for this prestigious award. I’m sure the match will be filled with boring moves, botched spots, and at least one commercial break.
Folks, have a great week. I don’t know if there’s going to be a show next week, so if I don’t do my column, I want everyone to have a “Great” Thanksgiving. I know I will!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).