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WWE Superstars Recap for November 19, 2009

Yes, people, I’m back…whether you like it or not.  I’m “Great” Scott and I’m going to spend the next hour telling you about a show that you could, if you had any damn balls, watch on your own.  I’ll let it slide this time, but next time…

As I’ve done in previous weeks, let me start the recap with “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.  This week we have a FIRST!!  The history books will remember this day, as I’m going to recommend something that you should AVOID.  Not only avoid, but avoid like the PLAGUE.  This past weekend, I watched one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen—Observe and Report.  Dear God, what a horrible movie.  On top of it being depressing (and yes, I realize it’s trying to be a DARK comedy, but it was too stupid to pull it off) and not at all funny, there’s about 15 minutes of straight up fat man penis.  In the 80s, raunchy comedies used to have at least topless women…now, it’s all about body plums and bare man-ass.  I was Roger Ebert, I’d cut my damn thumbs OFF after watching this movie.  It’s the wrestling equivalent of…actually, it was so bad I can’t even think of a wrestling-related metaphor.  It was horrible.

Now that I’ve saved you three to twenty dollars and 90 minutes of valuable time, let’s head down to the ring for our opening bout…

Uh oh, first, we learn that our main event is Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry.  Poop.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Zack Ryder

Hey, the ECW announcer chick changed her final syllable inflection!  Yay!  Oops, never mind…she did it with Zack Ryder’s last name…so she’s batting .500.  Man, they need to get some more guys on ECW, STAT…these feuds go on for decades, it seems. 

Zack immediately bails as Shelton advances.  Rosa distracts Ryder long enough for Benjamin to bring him back in with a hip toss.  Shortarm clothesline and suplex by Benjamin to follow up.  A Benjamin pin attempt gets 1.32.  Ryder fires back with punches and a supl….oops, Benjamin reverses it into a neck breaker.  Very nice.  Benjamin with a rear chinlock, from which Ryder escapes, only to get Samoan dropped.  Another Benjamin pin attempt gets 2.04.  Benjamin locks on an armlock/chinlock combo.  Ryder escapes by getting to the ropes.  The ref steps in, allowing Ryder to pop in a cheap shot and go to work on Shelton.  Benjamin fights back, but Ryder back body drops him to escape a powerbomb attempt.  Benjamin skins the cat and gets back in the ring.  Ryder charges and is sent to the floor.  Benjamin tries to follow up with a baseball slide.  Ryder, however, dodges and shoves him into the “steel” ring steps.  Both men are in AGONY, so let’s watch some commercials.

Man, Superstars even gets boring COMMERCIALS!  Since I’m bored with them, let me talk about RAW on Monday…it seems as if it should’ve been a hit, what with a host that actually knows something about the product, a Santino match (well….sort of), Hornswoggle getting wrecked, a spot-fest main event, and Randy Orton getting his ass handed to him (even if they botched Kofi's intro).  However, the show just didn't feel right.  I  don't know why…I think it was because they were trying too hard.

We’re back, and Ryder is in control.  Rosa Mendes is pleased (that she has a job still).  Ryder works a seated abdominal stretch until Benjamin gets up and elbows out.  Benjamin bounds off the ropes…and right into a Zack Ryder knee.  For some reason, Ryder works the neck, despite working the back and abdomen two seconds earlier.  Benjamin punches out, and then punches some more.  Ryder tries to regain control, but Benjamin leaps off the ropes…and misses completely, but Ryder sells it otherwise.  Benjamin hits the stinger splash, but the two men collide in mid-air with dueling cross body blocks.  All of a sudden, Rosa gets a phone call….the hell?  She starts trying to get Ryder's attention, going so far as to toss the phone in the ring.  Maybe it’s the "Don’t taze me bro!" guy wanting his gimmick back.  Anyway, Ryder backs Rosa into the corner and tells her to get out of the ring, and Benjamin attacks.  Ryder moves out of the way, and Benjamin leaps to the second rope to avoid smashing Rosa.  Ryder takes advantage by flinging Benjamin to the mat and getting the three count.  Normally, I would take points off for a stupid ending, but that was literally a first for me.

Winner:  Zack Ryyyyye-durrrrr (As pronounced by the ring announcer chick)

Rating: 

The match was average, but a slight bump in score because of the clever ending.  They seldom work an inane diva’s storyline into a match…but they did here.  Sure, it was hokey, but I can't say that I've seen a phone worked into an ending since the days of Paul E. Dangerously.

Ask a Diva…the less said the better.  I will say, that when Beth Phoenix tries to look like a woman, she succeeds.  She’s the anti-Chyna.

The chick from Bones looks like Katie Lea Burchill.

Survivor series quiz….which Survivor Series main eventer are you…let's look at the questions…

   Do you have a closet full of jean shorts?

   Have you ever kicked a friend or business partner through a barber shop window?

   Have you ever dated a transvestite?

   Do you refuse to allow younger people to ever beat you at anything?

   Are you a fan of Vanilla Ice, Snow, or Marky Mark?

   Have you ever married your boss's daughter to get ahead at work?

   Do you use your influence at work to get jobs for untalented friends or family members?

Funny, I answered the questions and it said I would be the Gobbledy Gooker…damn it.

Then they talk about the worst Survivor Series team names. I went to WWE.com and looked at that.  They said Rude’s Brood was a crappy name.  Screw you, WWE.

We get a Rey/Batista video package…I’m actually getting together with some friends to get the Survivor Series PPV, and this is the “The Pizza’s Here” match.  I’m literally looking forward to the Diva’s match more than this.  Batista is essentially an unlikable version of Lex Luger.  His promos suck, he can’t wrestle, and from what I’ve heard, he’s a real-life douche bag.  One good part of the video package sees Rey flip the table, cartoon-style, onto Batista during the "contract signing" or whatever the hell it was.  It was funny to see Batista’s legs waggle from under the table. 

Oh Christ, I’m being punished for my sins because the WWE still thinks it’s worthwhile to trot Eddie Guerrero’s fat cow wife out here to scream at us.  She’s introducing a new scent called Escobar….oh wait, that’s just the theme music for a crappy generic Puerto Rican wrestler.  Let’s get on to a match that I’m sure is going to suck.

Eric Escobar (with a woman that’s a cow) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang (who pretends to be a cowboy)

The two men lock up.  Punches from Escobar and a missed clothesline lead to a Yang kick that misses by a mile, but Escobar sells like a champ.  Escobar on the attack, finishing with a move that actually looks pretty cool that’s sort of like a backwards STO.  Dragon sleeper.  Yang hits some knees to the head to attempt an escape, but Escobar hits two backbreakers and a clothesline to maintain control.  Escobar lays down a beating in the corner, but Jimmy fights back with an elbow and flying dropkick.  Punches from Yang and some more crappy kicks…man, old Jimmy is fighting loose tonight.  A leg lariat in the corner and a flying cross body get JWY a 2.57 count.  Yang goes for his moonsault, but Escobar rolls out of the ring.  Yang tries to continue the attack, but the screaming banshee at ringside prevents it from happening.  Yang watches Escobar for about 10 seconds before Escobar remembers that he's supposed to clotheslines Yang off the apron.  Back in the ring, Escobar hits a running forward dropkick on Jimmy Wang Yang for the three count.

Winner:  Eric Escobar

Rating: 

I hate Vickie.  I didn’t really care for the match, either.  Oh, hold on…they’re making out.  I’m going to perform ANOTHER first and actually lower the score due to the fact that seeing Vickie kiss ANYTHING is truly vomit-inducing.  Can’t they just give her some money and cut her loose?

NEW Rating: 

That was disgusting.

Drew McIntyre video package that consists of precisely three moves…clothesline, kick, double-underhook DDT.  Dude, Sheamus’ video package had one more move than that.  And this guy is a future champion?  Really?  Well, I guess one guy did it with punches, a boot, and a leg drop…sigh.  Well, tell me when this guy's going to be a champ so I’ll know when I shouldn’t care anymore.

ANOTHER video package on the stuff that has happened at Madison Square Garden on RAW.  Since I actually watched the main event, I’m not too keen on sitting through the highlights…but I will persevere.

The two main events at the PPV really intrigue me, as do the two traditional matches.  The WWE has the chance to shake things up a little on Sunday…but I’m not getting my hopes up.

Oh boy, main event time.

Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Cody Rhodes tries to be more interesting by chewing gum.  Whew, that’s one hell of an image change, chief... I barely recognized you.  Oh, I guess they haven’t gotten done hosing down Mark Henry yet, so we need to go to commercials.

They need to create a freecreditreport.com commercial soundtrack.  I would totally buy it.

Potholes sound like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.

Before Henry comes out, we see the shitty ending of last week’s match.  MVP botched whatever he was doing, so he ended with the dreaded small package.  Henry in, looking like the red M&M from the commercial…too bad he couldn’t team with Viscera in a yellow singlet…

Match begins with some weak-ass Rhodes punches and Rhodes running away like a little bitch.  A kick attempt leads to Rhodes getting tossed across the ring.  Another punch leads to a press slam, but Rhodes breaks out a thumb to the eye, and then runs into a shoulder block.  Rhodes stumbles to the corner, and Henry charges, but Rhodes gets the feet up.  Rhodes goes up top, but gets flung across the ring AGAIN.  Henry hits a clothesline and Rhodes retreats again…after this STELLAR action, we need to take a commercial break.

Hannibal Lecter can’t pronounce “Chianti” correctly (it’s “key-on-tee,” not “kee-ant-ee”).

I’ve said it three times already; skip the GTA sequels and get Saint’s Row 2…trust me.

We’re back, and Henry boots Rhodes in the face so he can run away AGAIN.  Come on…

As Henry tries to pursue, Rhodes kicks the stairs into his legs, but then Rhodes can’t get Henry back in the ring.  Henry hits a headbutt, but Rhodes clips the big man’s leg.  Rhodes goes to work, but Henry continues to fight out.  I think Henry actually fell on part of Rhode’s leg…ouch.  Rhodes dropkicks the leg and hits a knee off the second rope.  Henry rolls out of the ring and Rhodes follows with some punches…but Henry shrugs him off.  This match actually got tolerable all of a sudden.  Rhodes elbows the knee, then yanks it to get a 2.67 count.  More working on the leg and a cross body to a seated Henry.  spinning toe hold-type hold from Rhodes, who is launched from the ring by Henry, then flung around some more.  Henry tries for a powerslam, but he ACTUALLY SELLS THE KNEE!  Rhodes stalks Henry, but runs right into a shoulderblock.  Henry then DOESN’T sell the knee, as he deadlifts Rhodes from a lying position and hits the World’s Strongest (Smelling) Slam for the win.

Winner: Mark Henry

Rating:  

That match was better than it had any right to be.  It wasn’t bad at all…but it wasn’t great at all, either.

Before I get to watching The Office, let me quickly hand out some awards.

The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Using a cell phone call to end a match…PURE GENIUS.  No, there’s no sarcasm there.  Seriously, though, Shelton and Zack put on a decent enough match.

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Lots of contenders here…Vickie, Eric Escobar, sub-par matches, too many video packages.  I’ll let them fight amongst themselves for this prestigious award.  I’m sure the match will be filled with boring moves, botched spots, and at least one commercial break.

Folks, have a great week.  I don’t know if there’s going to be a show next week, so if I don’t do my column, I want everyone to have a “Great” Thanksgiving.  I know I will!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).