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WWE Superstars Recap for 11/12/2009

Pip, pip, cheerio and every other British stereotype you can think of!  Sit your arse down and get yourself a pint of ale, because we're live (or not) from England this week!  Before we get to ye olde action, let me give you this week's "Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week.

This week is a toughie…I've been spending most of my free time with Dragon Age: Origins.  I did just finish a relatively short Dean Koontz book that was pretty good.  The Face of Fear is one of Koontz's older books, but it's pretty good.  It's a short read and it's not sci-fi or over-the-top horror like most of his books.  It's more of a suspense thriller.  I can recommend it pretty highly.

So, now that we have that out of the bloody way, let's pull up our knickers and get on to the scrum.

Matt Hardy vs. David Hart Smith

So, Smith is no longer "D.H.," huh?  Okay.  Natalya is looking hotter than usually, while Matt is looking chubbier and orange-r than ever.  Smith goes right to the arm to start.  Matt reverses into a headlock, which he keeps locked on for a good 30 seconds.  Smith, powerhouse that he is, can’t even shoulderblock Matt down.  Hardy clamps on the headlock again, but Smith escapes.  A Natalya distraction doesn’t work, and Hardy punches away at his Canadian nemesis.  Smith reverses an Irish whip and goes to work on Hardy with punches and the slowest corner avalanche I’ve ever seen.  Token European uppercut and elbow lead to the inevitable chinlock.  Hardy escapes, but Smith hits a knee and goes for another Irish whip…oops, Hardy got his feet up and hits a neckbreaker.  A Hardy second rope leg drop gets 2.77 count.  Hardy stands in position over the fallen Smith for about 30 seconds before Smith remembers he’s supposed to send Hardy out. Hardy to the outside, but he quickly scampers back in and stays on he offensive.  Hardy goes up to the top, but a Tyson Kidd distraction leads to a NICE superplex by Smith.  The force of this super-intense move is so super-intense that we have to go to commercial.

I don’t know about the Wii Winter Olympics game, but archery is fun on the new Wii Sports Resort!

Ci Ci’s pizza is, in the immortal words of Kevin Malone from The Office, “a hot circle of garbage.”

We’re back, and Smith has a camel-clutch-sorta’ move locked in, but he immediately switches to an abdominal stretch.  Hardy escapes with a move that is quite impossible because of the laws of physics, but Smith regains control with a powerslam.  Smith takes a few seconds to mock Hardy, who tries to pop off a DDT, but fails.  Smith hits a textbook northern lights suplex (What textbook has a northern lights suplex in it?), but it can’t get the job done.  Smith hits another suplex and some shots to the back of Hardy.  I’m noticing that Matt Striker is in full heel announcer mode here…which probably doesn’t matter to anyone.  After Hardy gets back to his feet, Smith lifts him and sits him on the top rope in the corner.  Matt hits some elbows and goes for a moonsault that doesn’t come anywhere close to hitting Smith.  Smith, however, sells the move like a champ.  Striker tries to explain the botch as being a "moonsault-headbutt combo," but I’m not buying.  Matt connects with punches, a neckbreaker, and his second rope elbow to the head of Smith.  A Twist of Fate doesn’t work, but the Side Effect does, but it only gets 2.89.  Tyson Kidd with another distraction, which gets him clotheslined off the apron.  This gives Smith enough time to hit a big boy boot.  The ref, however, has his attention turned to the evil Canadians, who he has decided to send to the back.  This gives Hardy enough time to roll Smith up for the three count…and THE WIN!  Matches that end in with a small package pin are awesome!!

Winner: Matt Hardy


That match was better than average.  I’ll even forgive the botched moonsault and the timing issues.  The ending was sorta' cheap, but good psychology with Hardy selling the Batista beating.

You know what?  The Ask a Diva segment is becoming like Charlie Brown’s teacher…all I hear is wah wah wah wah wah wah.  I’m not even listening anymore.  Gail Kim, however, is smokin’.

Zack Ryder is in the back and he’s woo woo walking.  One of the divas is talking to him, but I don’t remember which one it is…even though she was just yammering a few seconds ago on the AAD segment. 

Roddy Piper is going to host RAW on Monday, which is okay…I guess.

Zack Ryder vs. Shelton Benjamin

That announcer chick needs to stop with that weird inflection at the end of everyone’s name.  It’s cool at first, but EVERY time…not necessary.  Ryder starts with punches and kicks.  Benjamin fights back, but is quickly tossed to the outside.  Benjamin leaps right back in with a takedown, some punches, and a suplex.  Benjamin sends Ryder to the corner, tries a charge, misses, leaps to the second rope, and is finally thrown off by Ryder.  Wow, that last sentence had a lot of verbs!  Ryder continues to control the match with a neckbreaker, a pin attempt, a chinlock that turns into a side headlock, and a choke on the bottom rope.  Ryder goes for another pin, but Benjamin kicks out.  Ryder locks on another rear chinlock, but Benjamin lifts him up into an electric chair drop position. Ryder, however, slips out and hits the leg clothesline thing that Rob Conway used to do.  Ryder clamps on another rest hold that allows him to say “woo woo woo” and meet his quota.  Benjamin gets back up, sends Ryder to the corner twice and snapmares him out.  Ryder recovers, but walks into a belly-to-belly suplex.  Benjamin builds up steam with punches, kicks, a chop, and a leaping move off the second rope that really wasn’t anything…botch count: two.  A little bit of messing up finally leads to Ryder whiffing on a shortarm clothesline.  Benjamin goes for a powerbomb, but Ryder head scissors Benjamin and himself out of the ring.  Benjamin slips back in the ring, but Ryder stops to say, “woo woo woo, baby,” to Rosa Mendes. Flirting with the woman causes Ryder to fail to hear the count.  The count reaches 10 and Ryder is still outside.  Ryder should shout, "DON'T DQ ME, BRO!!"

Winner: Shelton Benjamin (by countout)


That match wasn’t bad either, but there were more botches in this one.  I would’ve forgiven them and given this match three Doc Browns, but the ending was stupid…

After the match, Ryder gets pissed and goes after Shelton, but Benjamin pops him with Paydirt instead.  Ryder is consoled by Rosa after the match…woo woo woo.

Sleep number beds aren’t all that great…It feels like you’re sleeping on an overinflated (or underinflated) rubber raft.  I wasn’t impressed.

We get a Did You Know that I didn’t care enough about to pay attention to…sorry.

Next, a Sheamus video package that consists mainly of clubbing blows, boots, and his finisher.  The single different move is the powerbomb on Jamie Noble, who weighs like 90 points.  I still like Sheamus, though.

We head to the back, where we meet two of the three members of the UTEA…Unable to Emote Association.  Ted DiBiase, Jr. actually shows a little emotion…which means he might just get kicked out of the club.  How dare he smirk!!  The only things members of the UTEA are allowed to do are stare and do those stupid Eskimo kiss nose-to-nose things.  Your punishment?  A swift Garvin Stomping!

Ted DiBiase (with El Amigo Generico) vs. MVP (with El Gordo Bandito)

MVP’s outfit looks a whole lot fruitier without sleeves.  Dude, try a singlet.  Jerry Lawler reminds us that he once fought in a Survivor Series against a clown with midgets…good times.  Match starts and I wasn’t paying attention.  When I return my attention to the match, DiBiase has MVP in the corner. He Irish whips MVP, but it doesn’t work, which allows MVP to hit a flying clothesline and get a 2.75 count.  MVP tries an Irish whip of his own, but he runs into a million dollar boot. However, he doesn't stay dazed long, as he back body drops DiBiase as he charges.  MVP with a bodyslam and a knee to the chest that gets a 2.52 count.  Headlock takedown by MVP, who forgets that he’s the good guy and shouldn’t be doing rest holds.  Dibiase gets up and hits a knee and some punches.  MVP tries to make a comeback by hitting a big boot, but DiBiase holds on to the ropes.  Rhodes pulls DiBiase to the outside, but MVP hits a VERY NICE flying bodypress over the top rope.  The move is so awesome, that we are given some commercial time to ponder just how awesome it was.  Thank you, WWE.

We’re back, and DiBiase tries a suplex, but MVP rolls him up.  MVP with knees to the midsection and a snap mare into a 1.99 count.  MVP tries for the corner boot, but DiBiase moves and hoists MVP out of the ring.  Rhodes does nothing, which is par for the course for him.  DiBiase to the outside, where he racks MVP’s arm over the security barrier and sends him to the post.  Ted tosses MVP back in and tries for a pin that doesn't work because we still have time to kill.  DiBiase knees the arm and then hits some mounted punches.  DiBiase with a boot to the face and a pin attempt that gets 2.586.  DiBiase continues to work the arm with a hammerlock, but MVP gets to his feet.  DiBiase stops MVP’s shit cold with an arm DDT.  Another pin attempt by DiBiase fails.  DiBiase lays some elbows and kicks to MVP’s arm…this match has….sloooooowwwwwweeed tooooooo aaaaaa ccccrrrrrraaaawwwwwlllll. 

DiBiase with more walking around, and Rhodes actually does something by wrapping MVP's arm around the post.  The ref, of course, goes to yell at Henry, who’s not doing anything….awesome.  MVP fights back with some punches, but with the arm that's NOT HURT!!  WAY TO SELL MVP!!!  DiBiase hits a clothesline and goes back to working the arm.  MVP stops DiBiase’s momentum with that ridiculous overhead throw that sorta' resembles a belly-to-belly but bellies are not touching here.  MVP with more punches…a clothesline, an elbow, and a cross chop ala Chris Benoit.  MVP decides to go for the Ballin’ Elbow, which connedcts.  MVP goes for the Plyamaker, but Ted shrugs it off.  DiBiase charges right into an MVP boot.  MVP doesn’t get the pin, but Rhodes gets on the apron to argue.  Mark Henry comes over and does something that doesn’t look like it was correct that takes Rhodes out.  DiBiase tries a neckbreaker, but MVP slips out…this is getting confusing.  Some more stuff happens, MVP slaps on a sloppy small package and gets the win.

Winner: MVP


The stupid endings are getting on my nerves.  I expected more out of the main event.  This match was slow and uninteresting.  Some good spots, but mostly boring.

Well, there goes an hour I won't get back…before I go, let's give out some awards.

The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  MVP’s flying bodypress was pretty good.

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Lots of botched moves tonight and three sub-par match endings.

Thanks for reading, folks.  I hope you all have a jolly good weekend!!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).