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WWE Superstars Recap for November 5, 2009

Happy November, loyal readers…perhaps I’m being optimistic by pluralizing that, but, what the hell.  Welcome back to another Superstars Recap.  I’m “Great” Scott, and I’m actually looking forward to this week’s episode of Superstars.  I did my pre-show research (five minutes on WWE’s Web site) and I think I’ll like this episode…three good matches on tap.  I only hope they don’t ruin it with a pointless squash or Divas match.  Only time will tell.

As always, I’d like to start with “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.  This week, it’s Dragon Age: Origins for the XBOX 360.  I’m addicted to this game.  If you like Bioware’s stuff (Mass Effect, Jade Empire, Knights of the Old Republic), than you’ll love this game.  If you like to play games that are more than just running around shooting stuff, you’ll love this game.  If you like games that give you choices and variety, you’ll like this game.  It’s had a few rough patches (all I can say is BE READY BEFORE YOU ENTER THE MAGE’S TOWER), but so far, two thumbs up.

With that out of the way, let’s get on to tonight’s action.  We’ll start with…YES!!

Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guererro

I can’t believe how much funnier face Santino is than heel Santino.  Chavo’s being funny, however, not so much.  I’m pretty sure that’s because Chavo is stuck with the comedy anchor that is Hornswoggle.

We start with your typical tieup…no, Santino with the spitting cobra pose!!  Nice!  Sweep the leg!!  Chavo slaps away the pose, but can’t follow up…so Santino busts out the pose ONE MORE TIME!!  Please, Santino, don’t’ hurt `em!!  Chavo uses some heel offense to get the upper hand, but Santino fights back by angrily smashing Guerrero’s head to the turnbuckles.  Chavo regains control with a back elbow and some stomps.  Chavo follows that with a European uppercut and a pin attempt. An odd belly-to-belly by Chavo is followed with another pin attempt.  Santino catches Chavo napping and tries a backslide, but fails to get the duke.  His momentum is short lived, as Chavo busts loose with a nice dropkick.  Chavo clamps on a chinlock, and then pounds Santino when he gets to a vertical base.  Chavo decides he hasn’t been “heelish” enough, so he begins taunting and smacking Santino in the head.  He returns to the chinlock and Santino gets an AUDIBLE chant.  Santino totally oversells the chinlock (like he’s asleep), but HULKS UP AND GOES ON THE WARPATH!!!  Santino lights into Chavo with a flurry of punches ala Dusty Rhodes, does a more complex version of the cobra pose, his split, and a hiptoss.  Unfortunately, his saluting chop dive thing misses.  Chavo back up with some stomps.  Chavo decides he’s going to finish it by going to the outs…no, he gets back in the ring to reposition Santino and Santino locks on the deadly small package for the WIN!!!  LET’S PLAY THE TROMBONE!!!  Santino RULES!!

Winner:  Santino


Santino’s new “Spitting Cobra Punch” is awesome…and I can’t get enough of the trombone after the win.  Sure, that match was average at best, but an extra half Doc Brown for the comedy factor.

Ask a Dumba….err, Diva.  It sucked, but did I really have to say that?

GTA downloadable content?  Listen to “Great” Scott; go get Saint’s Row 2 instead.

The jobless rate is skyrocketing and Geico hires a Gila monster?  They suck.

No time for smartass comments, we’re back!!  This time we have…

Jack Swagger vs. Primo

Ummm….this match wasn’t on the WWE Web site.  This was, however, just on last week…well, their last match was okay, so perhaps I’m being too hasty.  Let’s see if they deliver.  Primo starts with a go-behind, an angry shove, and some taunting to start, as if he realizes he lost to Swagger in the past.  I haven’t seen this in a while in WWE, but is this CONTINUITY!?!?  Wow!  Swagger gets pissed and falls prey to a drop toehold and falling headbutt by Primo, who follows up with an armlock. Swagger slams Primo to escape, but he misses with an elbow drop, and then gets flying head scissored by primo.  Primo tries to follow up, but he’s caught on a corner charge and slammed to the corner.  Swagger proceeds to straight up BEAT DOWN Primo in the corner, which he follows with not one, but TWO Vader splashes in the corner.  Ol’ Jack breaks out a seated abdominal stretch that he heels up by tugging at Primo’s Caribbean facial features.  Primo, however, refuses to quit, so Swagger hits him with a cross-face forearm and some kicks.  Swagger follows with a belly-to-belly and some douchy pushups.  Swagger lifts primo and tries to ram him to the corner, but Primo sunset flips out, and goes for a pin attempt.  Primo follows with a flying Tatanka chop and a springboard body press out of the opposite corner.  Primo starts to run the ropes like a crazy man, but Swagger catches him in what appears to be a backbreaker, but Primo starts to reverse it into what appears to be another headscissors, but Swagger, not to be outdone, reverses THAT into the position for the gutwrench powerbomb.  Primo can’t reverse THAT and gets gutwrench powerbombed for the Swagger win.

Winner:  Jack Swagger


Another good, by-the-books wrestling match.  I’m liking Swagger more every week (as long as he doesn’t talk), and I feel sadder and sadder that the WWE chose to break up the Colons.

I’m sure this will kill my credibility, but I actually didn’t think that Raw’s Got Talent skit wa that bad.  So it didn’t serve any purpose, but the crowd was actually into it…they actually LAUGHED at Chris Master’s bobbing chesticles.  Come on, it was sorta’ funny.  Chavo’s selling of Khali’s chop and “Jack”Swoggle….come on!!  We can’t be TOO jaded here.  The main event was actually kinda’ good, too.  Lastly, the WWE needs more big men like Sheamus.  Sure, he’s no CM Punk, but the guy can actually move pretty well and he does look a little different than the tan, long hair clones that WWE turns out.  I wish they would’ve left him on ECW for a while, because RAW’s overloaded as it is, but what do I know?

Another GTA game?  Like I said three or so paragraphs back, save your money and buy Saint’s Row 2.

WWE must be in charge of the commercials, since those are re-run ad nauseum like the matches.

Wow, we get ANOTHER rerun, this time with the Did You Know? segment.  Crazy.

Oh, here’s some variety, as we’re going to see…

Paul Burchill vs. Tyler Reks

Dude, these two announcers are both MAD tools…and Tyler has lost his surfer dude sleeveless shirt, double bummer.  This should be good…wow, quick tieup.  Reks quickly takes control with a punch and side headlock.  He follows with a shoulder block and head smash to turnbuckle.  He goes to the second rope (the “medium rent” district), but Burchill trips him up and hits a shortarm clothesline.  Burchill reminds us he’s a heel by choking Reks on the ropes and punching him all the while.  Katie Lea gets a slap in and Paul follows with more shots and a neckbreaker.  Burchill locks on a cobra clutch, but Reks fights out.  Burchill with a headbutt and pounding in the corner, but he can’t follow up, as Reks hits a dropkick and a reverse suplex (that’s still cool…even though this one was sorta’ sloppy).  Pin attempt gets 2.56.  Both men back up.  Paul kicks Reks in the midsection…and hits the danger buster outta’ nowhere….for the win?!?  Um, that was sudden.

Winner:  Paul Burchill


That match wasn’t bad, but it ended way too quickly and awkwardly.  I hope no one got hurt.

Are they going to break up DX AGAIN?!?  HHH and Shawn Michaels might be good, but man, it’s been DONE…but that seems to be the WWE theme lately.  I will say something, at least the two Survivor Series main events seem interesting; but are they really teasing breaking up two more tag teams?  Just stick it out Cryme Tyme, and you’ll be tag champs by default!!

Parts Unknown is about three miles away from The Outer Reaches of Your Mind.

Yoshi Tatsu video package.  How can this guy be a successful face without some overblown move that takes five minutes to set up that is super low impact (like Kingston’s double leg drop, the Tyler Reks’ elbow, the Ballin’ Elbow, the People’s Elbow, or The Worm)?  People actually like performers that are just talented guys?  Huh…weird.

Batista’s six-second heel turn…that no one cares about.  How can he be a deacon and be so mean?  TESTIFY!

Man, this video package is going on forever and this heel turn took like two shows…okay, good it’s over and we’re heading to a completely different strata of talent, as it’s time for…

Chris Jericho vs. Finlay

I used to like these two when I was playing WCW vs. NOW on N64 (waaaaaay back in the day).  If only the WWE would bring back La Parka and Disco Inferno, I’d be a happy camper.

I didn’t know we bombed Cancun…interesting.  Oh, wait, it’s a PLAY ON WORDS!!!  See, he’s ACTING like he was at war, but he was just on vacation!!!  He was using PUNS!!!  Stormed the beach!  Bombshells!!  I GET IT!!!  Smell the sarcasm?!?  That’s what I thought.

We’re back, and Jericho is still sulking in the ring.  Finlay is sporting some super-slick new evil black tights.  We get a replay of Drew McIntryre beating the tar out of Finlay.  Bummer.

Match starts with Jericho sliding out of the ring like a wuss.  A tieup sends Jericho to the corner, but he reverses out and shoves Finlay. Some awkward posturing leads Jericho to go between the ropes.  Reset.  Kicks and punches by Jericho are countered by a Finlay takedown and quick pin attempt  Finlay follows with a European uppercut and pin attempt.  Jericho returns the favor with a takedown and seated sleeper.  Finlay escapes by bending Jericho’s thumb back!  Nice!  I like defensive moves stole from the Darkman movie!  More European uppercuts and a short clothesline from Finlay.  He follows with a knee to Jericho’s face and another pin attempt.  The Irishman stays on the offensive with a forearm shot and yet another European uppercut.  Some woman in the crowd is annoying the SHIT out of me with her screaming.  Finally, Jericho tries to stop the momentum with the walls of Jericho, but Finlay spins out.  Jericho sidesteps a Finlay charge and tosses him out of the ring, but when Jericho tries to follow up with an inside out splash, Finlay does his old “catch the guy in the ring apron” move that was way cooler when he used to catch Rey and beat him to a pulp.  Since we have this time to spare, let’s go to a commercial…

A fat slob with a bladder problem?  Rush Limbaugh is in GTA Liberty City Stories?  I learn something new every day.

Alicia Fox isn’t very good at reading cue cards (or Tele-prompters, as the case may be).  She does, however, do a pretty mean axe kick.

We’re back, and Jericho has a cobra clutch/sleeper/Million Dollar Dream sorta’ hold locked on.  Finlay tries to fight up, and gets some knees and a punch off before going for a pin.  Both men stand, Finlay is immediately enziguried.  Jericho lays in some kicks, taunts, and smacks to the Irish dome of Finlay, who starts to look pissed. Jericho simply continues to kick him.  Finlay fights back, but Jericho busts out a NICE dropkick to stop that.  A pin gets precisely 2.00.  Jericho stands on Finlay’s back as he’s draped over the bottom rope, and then Jericho grabs Finlay’s legs and stuns him under the rope.  Look at Jericho go!  More punches and kicks from Chris, followed by the “my work here is done” pose.  Unfortunately for Jericho, Finlay hits a clothesline and gets a 2.786 count.  Finlay follows up by sending Jericho to the corner, but he misses an elbow.  Jericho hits a senton splash, and then locks on a dragon sleeper.  Finlay punches out, but gets kicked and flung to the corner.  Jericho misses and Finlay rolls him up for a 2.857 count.  Finlay lays in some shots and then hits the rolling forward slam for a 2.88 count.  Finlay goes for his seated splash, but Jericho snares him in the Walls of Jericho.  Finlay gets to the ropes.  Jericho tries a charge, but Finlay hoists him up for the Celtic Cross.  Jericho slides out and hits the Code Breaker for the win.  The obnoxious bitch in the crowd continues to scream like a banshee.  If I were sitting near her, she would be eating my “Bring Back Bastion Booger” sign.

Winner:  Chris Jericho…for a change


That match was really good…one of the best you’ll see on this show.  Relatively good psychology and pacing and some good moves.  Really good stuff.

The final chunk of this recap is going to be tough for a change…

The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Actually almost everything is worth this award…this week was pretty darned good.

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  That bitch who wouldn’t stop screaming during the last match.  My wife even heard it and said it was probably recorded…I couldn’t even imagine why. 

You folks have a “great” weekend…I’ll be recovering from a bruised rib I received on the basketball court.  Hopefully, I’ll be at 100 percent for next week’s recap.  I’m out!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).