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WWE Superstars Recap for October 29, 2009

Well, well, well, if you’re reading this, you’re obviously a glutton for punishment and you deserve everything you get.  I’m “Great” Scott and I’m here to recap WWE Superstars so you can spend an hour of your life doing something more productive…like clipping your toenails or cleaning your rain gutters.

Bragging Rights has come and gone and…I really actually don't care.  Only five matches?  One third of the PPV was a Cena/Orton match?  No ECW?  No Mickie James?  I'm hearing that the card wasn't all that bad, but I'm just sick of the SOS on WWE TV.

Speaking of SOS, I went to WWE's Web site before the show and it seems as if we're going to see all rerun matches as we've seen on Superstars before.  Whee!

However, as you know if you've read my recaps before, I need to make "Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week.  This week is another music recommendation: Bowling for Soup's new album—Sorry for Partyin'.  There are a couple of sub-par songs on the CD, but it's really good otherwise.  I highly recommend it.

Man, no foolin' around tonight, as we're starting with a match straightaway.

Jack Swagger vs. Primo

While Swagger poses like a douche, the announce team tells us that our main event is the same one we’ve seen about 35 times…with two other guys thrown in to fool us into thinking we’re seeing something different.

Swagger starts with some amateur wrestling takedowns and some douche bag slaps to the back of Primo's head.  Primo answers with a punch and a monkey flip.  Swagger is sent to the corner, so Primo charges and then mounts the second rope and punches away at the All-American American.  Swagger tosses Primo off mid-punch, but Primo dropkicks his foe's knee and goes for a pin that doesn't get the job done.  Primo clamps on an armbar, and gets a nice chant from the crowd.  A sunset flip by Primo gets a 1.32 count.  More armbarrage by Primo.  Swagger fights his way out, and catches primo with an Oklahoma Stampede-ish powerslam.  Swagger follows up with a Vader splash in the corner that gets him a 2.53 count.  Swagger follows with some typical heel offense, including some wicked cross-face forearms, a few quick elbows, and a leg drop.  He continues the heel offense with a front facelock, some clubbing blows to the back, and a clothesline to the back of Primo’s head.  Another Swagger legdrop misses, as does a corner charge.  Primo hits a springboard Tatanka chop, a leaping back elbow, and a dropkick.  Swagger catches Primo out of a springboard bodypress, but Primo slips out for a pin.  Toothy McLispsalot hits a wicked boot as Primo bounces off the ropes and finishes things off with a gutwrench powerbomb.

Winner:  Jack Swagger

Swagger celebrates his win by running around the ring like a dork…which is kinda’ funny. 

Rating:  

That was a really good opening Superstars match…actually, it was just a good match overall.  I like how this show is…ugh, Kelly Kelly is up next.  Never mind.

I’m not even going to comment on the Ask a Diva segment…it was actually more inane that it normally is, if you can believe that’s possible.

They’re making a movie called Ninja Assasin?  Why not continue with the redundancy and call it Ninja Karate Kung-Fu Killer Assassin Hired Gun Who Murders People Guy? 

WWE wants to kill my first-match buzz by showing “highlights” of the Orton/Cena match from Bragging Rights.  I couldn’t care less.  `Nuff said.

Holla holla!  It’s time for a sub-par Diva’s match!

Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox

At least Alicia Fox has some sorta’ personality…sorta'.  A quick armbar and takedown by Alicia.  Kelly hits some horrible punches, then slowly climbs the ropes, flips, and escapes, which is a move she pretty much ripped off from Gail Kim, who did it last week.  A dropkick by Kelly is followed by a backbreaker by Alicia.  Alicia locks in a rear chinlock as the announcers tell us that Kelly Kelly wants to be a broadcast journalist.  And why not?  She's just as talented as Bobby Heenan…right?  Hey, where are you going!??!

Anyway, Kelly escapes Alicia's chinlock and goes for a VERY sloppy pin out of an Alicia body slam attempt.  Alicia grounds Kelly again…and some more crappy wrestling happens that I’m not even going to bother to recap.  Kelly sorta’ redeems herself with a spinning headscissors, but two crappy clotheslines remind me of how terrible she is.  Kelly screams like a banshee and tries a flipping elbow, but Alicia gets her knees up and Kelly crashes into them.  Alicia hits an axe kick that’s actually better than anything Booker T ever did and gets the win.

Winner:  Alicia Fox

Rating: 

Kelly Kelly gets negative two Doc Browns, Alicia Fox gets three Doc Browns, hence the rating…Kelly Kelly needs to back to dancing pointlessly on ECW; she is absolutely terrible in the ring.

After the match, we get a recap of Batista turning on Rey…whoopee frickin’ doo.  WWE can really find amazing ways to make people not care about characters…just have them feud with Batista.

You would think Stephen King could spell the word “cemetery” correctly…that guy will NEVER make it. 

Yes!  The Geico cavemen!!  I wish they would get rid of the eight other ad campaigns they have going on and stick with these guys.

Did you know that last month, Jerry Lawler whacked off to Diva pictures over 1,000 times…or maybe I’m just ad libbing…

Our next match is ECW…and we have a new tool announcer that doesn’t look like he could name four wrestling moves.  Ugh.

Zack Ryder vs. Tyler Reks

Tyler is forwarding his surfer dude persona with a sleeveless white shirt.  Good for him

 

A tie up starts the match and leads to a Reks shoulderblock and armbar.  Reks continues to cleverly work the arm, even as Ryder tries to punch out.  A dropkick by Reks sends Ryder to the outside.  Reks whiffs on a baseball slide and Ryder hits a wicked boot to the chest of Reks.  Ryder rolls his opponent back in and goes to work with strikes, kicks, and taunting.  A pin attempt gets 2.05.  Ryder follows up with a chinlock, but Reks fights out with a side suplex.  Both men are slow to get up.  Ryder gets up first and tosses Reks to the ropes, but the surfer hits a flying clothesline and follows up with a reverse suplex.  (I've seen that move TWICE here on Superstars!  Lucky me!)  Reks follows up with a sliding punch to the midsection, a head slam to the mat, and a funky fresh elbow drop.  Ryder gets his knees up as Reks charges him in the corner, which gives Ryder enough time to hit the Zack Attack (outta' nowhere) for the win.

Winner:  Zack Ryder

Rating: 

This match didn’t get a ton of time, because we had to squeeze that AWESOME diva's match in, but it was good for what it was.  Man, if that stupid divas match wasn’t in there, this would be one of the best shows so far…even though we’ve seen the two matches before. 

Oh boy, The Osbournes are hosting RAW next week.  If Snoop was able to get Marty Jannetty, Ozzy should be able to get Jake Roberts out of rehab to fight someone…that would be EPIC.

Technically, it should be "Five"-Hour Energy…good technical writing says that you should write out numbers from one to nine…just saying.

Michelle McCool as a zombie…ummmmm…no comment.

We get a video package of The Big Show.  I actually watched a YouTube video of Big Show dropkicking Test in a match about 110 pounds ago.  It was actually pretty sweet.

Hey, Matt Striker is on SmackDown now.  I don’t think I really care…which seems to be the theme tonight.

The Bragging Rights seven vs. seven match actually looks like it was pretty good…I’m amazed they didn’t let RAW win.  I’m also surprised they let Jericho get the pin.  He’s been reduced to a complete tool lately.  Good for him.

It’s time to learn what, indeed, is up, as our next match is…

R-Truth and Cryme Tyme vs. Mike Knox and The Hart Dynasty

I wonder who has more hair…Mike Knox in his beard or A-Train on his entire body…man, the commercials were boring.  Let’s see if The Hart Dynasty can actually win back-to-back matches.

JTG and Kidd to start.  JTG locks in a headlock and takes Kidd over and down.  Kidd escapes and screams…as he is apt to do.  Another tieup leads to Kidd not breaking clean and hitting a knee and some punches.  He ducks his head and JTG capitalizes with some punches and back/neck breaker combo-type move.  Kidd is sent to the ropes, but he wisely tags in Mike Knox.  Knox locks in a Hoss-like side headlock.  JTG tries to punch out, but Knox hits a headbutt.  JTG manages to kick Knox away and tag to Shad, who hits some more big man shots.  Knox, however, is racist, so he boots Shad in the stomach.  Knox hits an elbow, a knee, and a kick before locking in a chinlock/knee to the back hold.  Shad fights out, but Knox tosses him to the heel side outside the ring.  Because both big guys need a rest, we’re going to go to commercials.

The commercials this week just don’t inspire me…sorry.

Why do we need ANOTHER Rey/Batista video package?  WHAT DID WE DO WRONG!?!?

We’re back, and Shad has Knox in an armbar.  During the break, we missed the typical big man spot where a big man tries to powerslam someone outside the ring, but the big man is sent to the post.  Knox backs Shad to the heel corner, where he tags to Smith, who works over Shad in the corner.  Shad fights back, but Kidd kicks him from behind and Smith hits a suplex that gets 2.53.  Smith starts to work the back, and then locks in a camel clutch.  Do they have camels in Canada?  Maybe a Canuck Clutch?  Shad battles out, but Smith hits an elbow and a punch before tagging to Kidd. Kidd pops Shad with a kick and quickly tags to Knox, who hits a pretty nice standing splash…for a hoss.  Knox flings Shad to the corner and then locks in a bearhug.  R-Truth is really earning his money this match.  Shad elbows out, but Knox stays on the offensive.  Knox punches JTG just for kicks, but Shad hits a side suplex after the distraction.  Knox makes the tag to Kidd, but Shad tags R-Truth.  Punches abound followed by some breakdancing.  R-Truth goes through his offense, but Mike Knox randomly comes in and hits a boot to stop that shit cold.  Everything breaks down, as Smith boots JTG in the face.  Smith ends up on the outside as he tries to clothesline R-Truth.  Some pin attempts follow, but R-Truth ultimately hits the whirling dervish flying elbow (the Lie Detector) on Kidd to win the match.

Winners:  R-Truth and Cryme Tyme

Rating: 

That match was good, too!  Wow, that was one of the best episodes of Superstars I’ve seen.  I really thought three rerun matches were really going to try my patience, but even I can admit when I’m wrong.  That was a pretty good show; I’ll admit it.

Before we go, let's award some…errr, awards.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Every performer except Kelly Kelly.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Kelly Kelly

You folks have a “great” weekend.  I’ll do the same.  See ya’!

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).