WWE Superstars Recap for October
22, 2009
Greetings to you, the half
dozen or so people who have nothing better to do than
read my recap of the WWE’s junk drawer show. We’re on the
heels of what was a joke-a-minute episode of RAW. HHH
steamrolls up-and-comer John Cena. Marty Jannety
makes his comeback on a show hosted by SNOOP DOGG…I
wonder where they met? To put the
cherry on the suck sundae, we get Hornswoggle dressed up
like a gangsta'.
Man, RAW had EVERYTHING this week!
Anywho, let’s
get to “Great”
Scott’s Recommendation of the Week. This week, it’s
easy-peasy.
I recently discovered an AWESOME musician—MC
Lars. I
don’t know how long the guy’s been around, but the album
I found online—This Gigantic Robot Kills—is absolutely
frickin’ awesome.
If you need proof of how awesome this guy is,
just YouTube the song title “True Player for Real.” His music is
absolutely fantastic stuff. I highly
recommend it.
So, enough about
really good music, let’s get on to some really sub-par
sports entertainment!
Before we get to
the wrestling, we get a video package honoring the
recently deceased Captain Lou Albano. While I think it
was a nice gesture, I question the line, “often
imitated, never duplicated…” Who the hell
ever tried to imitate Captain Lou? Was there a
manager named Admiral Steve that I never heard about?
The closest I could come was Steve McMichael as an
announcer in ECW…both blathering and incoherent.
Okay, enough
sentimental stuff…let’s get to some acti…err, a diva’s
match.
Kelly Kelly vs. Gail Kim
Awesome logic
here, as these two will be on the same team at the PPV.
Perhaps they're teasing a Gail Kim heel
turn…which would…errrr…pretty much do nothing. I will say,
though, that Gail Kim is absolutely gorgeous, but that
doesn't matter because she's a strong, independent
woman…
Anyway, we start
with the de facto tie up, which is followed by a
headlock takedown by Gail Kim. Kelly escapes
with a headscissors. Kim escapes and
the two divas exchange trips, ending in a stalemate and
a show of sports(wo)manship by Gail Kim. The ladies
restart with another Gail Kim headlock, followed by a
shoulderblock and pin attempt. Kim wrings the
arm, but Kelly gets to the rope and flips out. Kelly misses on
a charge to the corner and Gail does some neat flippery
to try a pin.
Kim tries to follow up, but Kelly does a sloppy
back flip to taunt Gail Kim. Kelly charges
and goes to the second rope, only to get sent off. Gail locks on a
chinlock as Michael Cole tries to shill the shitty
ironman match…boy is that match going to be a train
wreck, I predict.
Kelly backs Gail into the corner, but the former
TNA knockout turns it around and tries a hurricanrana
off the top.
Unfortunately for her, Kelly holds on and Gail
crashes to the mat. Kelly tries a
rollup after about two minutes of positioning, but it
doesn’t get the job done. A double
clothesline straight outta' the 80s knocks both women
down.
Completely horrible shots are exchanged…followed
by two equally horrible clotheslines from Kelly. Some crappy
positioning and running around leads to a flippsy doodle
head scissors by Kelly Kelly. Gail tries to
fight back with a cross body off the second rope, but
misses.
Kelly puts a foot on Gail's back, and leaps up
with a leg drop to the back of the head. The announcers
call this the Kelly Killer…at least it’s not the Zig Zag
or the Skull-Crushing Finale…I guess.
Winner: Kelly Kelly
Rating:
That match was a
hot mess…in every sense of the word. After the match,
Kelly cries because her parents were in the front row.
That was the best she could do in front of her folks? Okay. I feel bad that
Gail Kim doesn’t have a belt, and has to sell to the
likes of Kelly Kelly…maybe she shoulda’ stayed in TNA.
Did you know
that more teen males watched RAW than baseball? I feel sorry for
baseball.
Now,
I have to serve penance for my sins by having to sit
through a Randy Orton/John Cena video package…set to
music no less.
I looooove how they say this one of the greatest
rivalries in WWE history. I don’t think
six fans not related to either of these two guys gives a
shit about this rivalry anymore…if they ever did in the
first place.
Sorry, WWE, Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon this
is not. I
will, however, say there is one decent part of this
package…I actually purchased the Royal Rumble PPV during
Cena's return from injury months before he was supposed
to come back…that was actually pretty cool. Other than that,
NO ONE WANTS TO SEE ANY OF THIS ANYMORE!!! Dear God, if
this goes on after the iron man match (I still want
someone to let me know how much of that match is spent
in a chinlock), I will never watch WWE product AGAIN…no
more AWESOME Superstars recaps, people!!
That video
package got me so down that I can’t even recap the
commercials…my ability to care about anything has been
sucked out of my body.
The last two
Wrestlemanias have sucked…let’s see if the next one is
any better.
Next, let’s get
to some ECW action.
The Red and Black Attack (Ezekiel Jackson
and Vladimir Kozlov) vs. The Golden Oldies (Tommy
Dreamer and Goldust)
Okay,
that announcer chick has a crazy sexy voice. It’s good to see
the two evil stereotypes aren’t fighting local talent
this week.
Big Zeke tries some power stuff to start, but the
face team uses some trickery to get the advantage,
including the worst cross body in the business by
Dreamer.
Zeke misses a clothesline on Goldust, and Goldust
works the arm before tagging to Dreamer, who hits a
horrible flying clothesline. Man, there
must've been a sale on horrible moves this week at the
MoveMart.
Dreamer tries to work the arm, but gets slammed
for his trouble.
Zeke tags out to Kozlov, who misses an elbow,
allowing the good guys to take back the advantage. A quick tag, but
Kozlov still manages to shove Dreamer to the corner.
Dreamer hits some punches, but big Zeke tosses
him to the corner and hits an avalanche, a big punch,
and a knee choke.
He distracts the ref long enough for
Winners: Goldust and
Tommy Dreamer
Rating:
After the match,
the good guys get jumped by the “unstoppable” evil team
that gets stopped pretty much every week. Seriously,
what’s the point of pushing Goldust and Dreamer? Dreamer is
becoming as mobile as a sofa. I think Goldust
could be given one more push before being sent out to
pasture, but I’m sure they’ll never do it. As that match
went, it was pretty horrible…everything about it…it was
slow, poorly paced, and the ending made no sense on any
level.
Terrible.
I had a choice
between getting Boarderlands and Raw vs. Smackdown…I
went with the wrestling game. I created my
guy, then started the CAW storyline…which is pretty
funny so far.
I shoved the IC belt in Vince's face, which made
me chuckle.
The game also makes me a little mad, because it
provides more evidence that Santino is one of the most
talented on-mic performers, and he's nothing more than a
backstage punchline. Is he really
THAT poor of a wrestler?
The
seven-on-seven "bragging rights" match is going to
extremely interesting…but I don't know if it's going to
be interesting in a good way, or in a "I went to school
with a kid that ate his own boogers and talked to
garbage cans" kinda' way. They didn’t
think Dolph Ziggler deserved to be in a PPV match a few
months back, but they’re going to throw two newbies on
team Smackdown?
That's an "interesting" decision. I guess you can
just leave them on the apron, but why not put a couple
of guys who deserve a shot in there? I guess since
Team RAW is pretty obviously going to win, why put
likable guys in there? Whatever, enough ranting…
Matt Hardy and
R-Truth are in the back, and they’re WALKING! They’re going to
fight Team nOOb, NEXT!
The Uncharted 2
commercial is pretty funny.
Matt Hardy and R-Truth vs. Eric Escobar
and Drew McIntyre
Oh
boy, another Puerto Rican bound for the mid-card…and
he’s teamed with Vicki Guerrero? That’s a recipe
for success.
I remember McIntyre’s first run in the WWE…he was
teamed up with “Squire” David Taylor…I guess Vince
thinks we forgot that he was demoted once already.
Whatever.
Escobar and
Truth to start.
Truth gyrates like the Boogyman, then locks on a
headlock.
Escobar punches out and hits a shoulderblock.
Truth returns the favor with a hip toss and a
flying headscissors. Truth runs
through his "hip hop" offense (the flips and the split
duck under), which leads to a kick to the face of
Escobar and a pin attempt. Truth tags to
Hardy, who works the arm of Escobar. That doesn’t
last long, as Escobar manages a tag to McIntyre, who
works the arm of Hardy. Hardy backs
McIntyre to his corner, and he and R-Truth pull off a
double hip toss.
Then, they launch Drew to the outside. Escobar goes to
check on his partner, so the faces follow up with a
double baseball slide dropkick. While the faces
celebrate their success, we’re sent to commercial land.
This hillbilly
hot tub Quizno’s commercial is wearing on my nerves.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…get the
spongemonkeys back!
Jack Swagger
shhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmells like a winner, or so he says.
We’re back, and
Eric Escobar eats a drop toehold, and misses a corner
charge.
Drew McIntyre tries to interfere, but he’s
whooped for his troubles. The distraction,
however, allows Escobar to hit an arm DDT and tag to
MacIntyre.
Drew lands some shots in the corner, and then
continues to work the arm of R-Truth. I’m noticing an
underlying theme in this match. A tag to Escobar
follows.
Escobar locks in a chicken-wing-esque hold, but
Truth escapes with a jawbreaker. R-Truth tries a
sunset flip, but Escobar blocks it and continues to work
the arm.
Man, this match is boring. Escobar tags to
McIntyre, who switches it up by punching R-Truth in the
back of the head.
Unfortunately, this leads to more working the
arm. The
King makes me laugh by saying the Escobar plays spin the
Mylanta bottle with Vicki, who has stayed relatively
silent at ringside. Thank God. R-Truth escapes
the hold, but the two men clothesline each other and we
get the slow-mo tag attempt. Truth makes it
and tags Hardy, while Escobar tags McIntyre. Hardy hits some
clotheslines, an elbow, and a corner clothesline. He caps it off
with a bulldog that looks like it messed up a bit. McIntyre
escapes, but runs into a boot on a corner charge. Hardy hits a
second rope elbow to the head and a moonsault?!? Wow. Everything
breaks down on the pin attempt. Escobar runs in
and quickly back out. R-Truth tries a
suicide dive on Escobar, but it ends badly as Escobar
moves out of the way. Hardy looks to
be in command, but Vicki continues to cackle like a
banshee, which distracts the ref. McIntyre shoves
Hardy into the ropes, Escobar stuns him over the top
rope, and McIntyre hits his double underhook DDT for the
win.
Winners: Eric Escobar and
Drew McIntyre
Rating:
That match was
dull until the last minute or two, which brought it up
to being relatively tolerable. I don’t know if
that was enough to justify the two nOObs being on the
Smackdown team, but it’ll have to do.
Before I get out
of here, let me hand out some awards!
The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Slim pickings
today…I'll have to announce co-winners: Matt Hardy's
moonsault and Gail Kim's hotness.
The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: It's a battle
royal of crap for this award!! The divas match,
Tommy Dreamer's declining mobility, the stupid booking
of two "unbeatable" monsters losing almost every week, a
woefully average main event, Vicki Guerrero, a terrible
Cena/Orton video package…the list goes on and on.
That’s it for
this week’s episode of Superstars. Have a “great”
weekend.
I’ll see you back here next week, same “Great”
time, same “Great” channel.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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