Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


WWE Superstars Recap for October 22, 2009

Greetings to you, the half dozen or so people who have nothing better to do than read my recap of the WWE’s junk drawer show.  We’re on the heels of what was a joke-a-minute episode of RAW. HHH steamrolls up-and-comer John Cena.  Marty Jannety makes his comeback on a show hosted by SNOOP DOGG…I wonder where they met?  To put the cherry on the suck sundae, we get Hornswoggle dressed up like a gangsta'.  Man, RAW had EVERYTHING this week!   

Anywho, let’s get to “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.  This week, it’s easy-peasy.  I recently discovered an AWESOME musician—MC Lars.  I don’t know how long the guy’s been around, but the album I found online—This Gigantic Robot Kills—is absolutely frickin’ awesome.  If you need proof of how awesome this guy is, just YouTube the song title “True Player for Real.”  His music is absolutely fantastic stuff.  I highly recommend it.

So, enough about really good music, let’s get on to some really sub-par sports entertainment!

Before we get to the wrestling, we get a video package honoring the recently deceased Captain Lou Albano.  While I think it was a nice gesture, I question the line, “often imitated, never duplicated…”  Who the hell ever tried to imitate Captain Lou?  Was there a manager named Admiral Steve that I never heard about?  The closest I could come was Steve McMichael as an announcer in ECW…both blathering and incoherent.

Okay, enough sentimental stuff…let’s get to some acti…err, a diva’s match.

Kelly Kelly vs. Gail Kim

Awesome logic here, as these two will be on the same team at the PPV.  Perhaps they're teasing a Gail Kim heel turn…which would…errrr…pretty much do nothing.  I will say, though, that Gail Kim is absolutely gorgeous, but that doesn't matter because she's a strong, independent woman…

Anyway, we start with the de facto tie up, which is followed by a headlock takedown by Gail Kim.  Kelly escapes with a headscissors.  Kim escapes and the two divas exchange trips, ending in a stalemate and a show of sports(wo)manship by Gail Kim.  The ladies restart with another Gail Kim headlock, followed by a shoulderblock and pin attempt.  Kim wrings the arm, but Kelly gets to the rope and flips out.  Kelly misses on a charge to the corner and Gail does some neat flippery to try a pin.  Kim tries to follow up, but Kelly does a sloppy back flip to taunt Gail Kim.  Kelly charges and goes to the second rope, only to get sent off.  Gail locks on a chinlock as Michael Cole tries to shill the shitty ironman match…boy is that match going to be a train wreck, I predict.  Kelly backs Gail into the corner, but the former TNA knockout turns it around and tries a hurricanrana off the top.  Unfortunately for her, Kelly holds on and Gail crashes to the mat.  Kelly tries a rollup after about two minutes of positioning, but it doesn’t get the job done.  A double clothesline straight outta' the 80s knocks both women down.  Completely horrible shots are exchanged…followed by two equally horrible clotheslines from Kelly.  Some crappy positioning and running around leads to a flippsy doodle head scissors by Kelly Kelly.  Gail tries to fight back with a cross body off the second rope, but misses.  Kelly puts a foot on Gail's back, and leaps up with a leg drop to the back of the head. The announcers call this the Kelly Killer…at least it’s not the Zig Zag or the Skull-Crushing Finale…I guess.

Winner:  Kelly Kelly


That match was a hot mess…in every sense of the word.  After the match, Kelly cries because her parents were in the front row.  That was the best she could do in front of her folks?  Okay.  I feel bad that Gail Kim doesn’t have a belt, and has to sell to the likes of Kelly Kelly…maybe she shoulda’ stayed in TNA.

Did you know that more teen males watched RAW than baseball?  I feel sorry for baseball.

Now, I have to serve penance for my sins by having to sit through a Randy Orton/John Cena video package…set to music no less.  I looooove how they say this one of the greatest rivalries in WWE history.  I don’t think six fans not related to either of these two guys gives a shit about this rivalry anymore…if they ever did in the first place.  Sorry, WWE, Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon this is not.  I will, however, say there is one decent part of this package…I actually purchased the Royal Rumble PPV during Cena's return from injury months before he was supposed to come back…that was actually pretty cool.  Other than that, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE ANY OF THIS ANYMORE!!!  Dear God, if this goes on after the iron man match (I still want someone to let me know how much of that match is spent in a chinlock), I will never watch WWE product AGAIN…no more AWESOME Superstars recaps, people!!

That video package got me so down that I can’t even recap the commercials…my ability to care about anything has been sucked out of my body.

The last two Wrestlemanias have sucked…let’s see if the next one is any better.

Next, let’s get to some ECW action.

The Red and Black Attack (Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov) vs. The Golden Oldies (Tommy Dreamer and Goldust)

Okay, that announcer chick has a crazy sexy voice.  It’s good to see the two evil stereotypes aren’t fighting local talent this week.  Big Zeke tries some power stuff to start, but the face team uses some trickery to get the advantage, including the worst cross body in the business by Dreamer.  Zeke misses a clothesline on Goldust, and Goldust works the arm before tagging to Dreamer, who hits a horrible flying clothesline.  Man, there must've been a sale on horrible moves this week at the MoveMart.  Dreamer tries to work the arm, but gets slammed for his trouble.  Zeke tags out to Kozlov, who misses an elbow, allowing the good guys to take back the advantage.  A quick tag, but Kozlov still manages to shove Dreamer to the corner.  Dreamer hits some punches, but big Zeke tosses him to the corner and hits an avalanche, a big punch, and a knee choke.  He distracts the ref long enough for Vladimir to get some illegal shots in, and then Zeke tags out.  Belly to belly throw by Kozlov is followed by a bearhug from behind.  Dreamer tries to punch out, but is kneed and slammed.  Jackson comes in and hits some slow big man offense.  He follows this with a scream (more like a bellow) and hits a corner clothesline on Dreamer, who is moving so slow he’s almost going backwards.  Jackson locks on a butterfly lock, and tries a British Bulldog powerslam that I can’t figure out if he botches on purpose…Dreamer manages the tag to Goldust and Jackson tags Kozlov, who eats some punches (including Goldie's lay down jaw jack) and a bulldog.  Jackson distracts the ref while Kozlov tries his finisher, but Dreamer attacks him from behind, allowing Goldust to hit a reverse STO…for the win.  WTF?!? 

Winners:  Goldust and Tommy Dreamer


After the match, the good guys get jumped by the “unstoppable” evil team that gets stopped pretty much every week.  Seriously, what’s the point of pushing Goldust and Dreamer?  Dreamer is becoming as mobile as a sofa.  I think Goldust could be given one more push before being sent out to pasture, but I’m sure they’ll never do it.  As that match went, it was pretty horrible…everything about it…it was slow, poorly paced, and the ending made no sense on any level.  Terrible.

I had a choice between getting Boarderlands and Raw vs. Smackdown…I went with the wrestling game.  I created my guy, then started the CAW storyline…which is pretty funny so far.  I shoved the IC belt in Vince's face, which made me chuckle.  The game also makes me a little mad, because it provides more evidence that Santino is one of the most talented on-mic performers, and he's nothing more than a backstage punchline.  Is he really THAT poor of a wrestler?

The seven-on-seven "bragging rights" match is going to extremely interesting…but I don't know if it's going to be interesting in a good way, or in a "I went to school with a kid that ate his own boogers and talked to garbage cans" kinda' way.  They didn’t think Dolph Ziggler deserved to be in a PPV match a few months back, but they’re going to throw two newbies on team Smackdown?  That's an "interesting" decision.  I guess you can just leave them on the apron, but why not put a couple of guys who deserve a shot in there?  I guess since Team RAW is pretty obviously going to win, why put likable guys in there? Whatever, enough ranting…

Matt Hardy and R-Truth are in the back, and they’re WALKING!  They’re going to fight Team nOOb, NEXT!

The Uncharted 2 commercial is pretty funny.

Matt Hardy and R-Truth vs. Eric Escobar and Drew McIntyre

Oh boy, another Puerto Rican bound for the mid-card…and he’s teamed with Vicki Guerrero?  That’s a recipe for success.  I remember McIntyre’s first run in the WWE…he was teamed up with “Squire” David Taylor…I guess Vince thinks we forgot that he was demoted once already.  Whatever.

Escobar and Truth to start.  Truth gyrates like the Boogyman, then locks on a headlock.  Escobar punches out and hits a shoulderblock.  Truth returns the favor with a hip toss and a flying headscissors.  Truth runs through his "hip hop" offense (the flips and the split duck under), which leads to a kick to the face of Escobar and a pin attempt.  Truth tags to Hardy, who works the arm of Escobar.  That doesn’t last long, as Escobar manages a tag to McIntyre, who works the arm of Hardy.  Hardy backs McIntyre to his corner, and he and R-Truth pull off a double hip toss.  Then, they launch Drew to the outside.  Escobar goes to check on his partner, so the faces follow up with a double baseball slide dropkick.  While the faces celebrate their success, we’re sent to commercial land.

This hillbilly hot tub Quizno’s commercial is wearing on my nerves.  I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…get the spongemonkeys back!

Jack Swagger shhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmells like a winner, or so he says.

We’re back, and Eric Escobar eats a drop toehold, and misses a corner charge.  Drew McIntyre tries to interfere, but he’s whooped for his troubles.  The distraction, however, allows Escobar to hit an arm DDT and tag to MacIntyre.  Drew lands some shots in the corner, and then continues to work the arm of R-Truth.  I’m noticing an underlying theme in this match.  A tag to Escobar follows.  Escobar locks in a chicken-wing-esque hold, but Truth escapes with a jawbreaker.  R-Truth tries a sunset flip, but Escobar blocks it and continues to work the arm.  Man, this match is boring.  Escobar tags to McIntyre, who switches it up by punching R-Truth in the back of the head.  Unfortunately, this leads to more working the arm.  The King makes me laugh by saying the Escobar plays spin the Mylanta bottle with Vicki, who has stayed relatively silent at ringside.  Thank God.  R-Truth escapes the hold, but the two men clothesline each other and we get the slow-mo tag attempt.  Truth makes it and tags Hardy, while Escobar tags McIntyre.  Hardy hits some clotheslines, an elbow, and a corner clothesline.  He caps it off with a bulldog that looks like it messed up a bit.  McIntyre escapes, but runs into a boot on a corner charge.  Hardy hits a second rope elbow to the head and a moonsault?!?  Wow.  Everything breaks down on the pin attempt.  Escobar runs in and quickly back out.  R-Truth tries a suicide dive on Escobar, but it ends badly as Escobar moves out of the way.  Hardy looks to be in command, but Vicki continues to cackle like a banshee, which distracts the ref.  McIntyre shoves Hardy into the ropes, Escobar stuns him over the top rope, and McIntyre hits his double underhook DDT for the win.

Winners:  Eric Escobar and Drew McIntyre


That match was dull until the last minute or two, which brought it up to being relatively tolerable.  I don’t know if that was enough to justify the two nOObs being on the Smackdown team, but it’ll have to do.

Before I get out of here, let me hand out some awards!

The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  Slim pickings today…I'll have to announce co-winners: Matt Hardy's moonsault and Gail Kim's hotness.

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  It's a battle royal of crap for this award!!  The divas match, Tommy Dreamer's declining mobility, the stupid booking of two "unbeatable" monsters losing almost every week, a woefully average main event, Vicki Guerrero, a terrible Cena/Orton video package…the list goes on and on.

That’s it for this week’s episode of Superstars.  Have a “great” weekend.  I’ll see you back here next week, same “Great” time, same “Great” channel.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).