WWE Superstars Recap
for October 15, 2009
Hello,
everyone!
I’m back to watch the show that the WWE uses to
store the crap they can’t fit into their other three
shows! Last
week’s show was woefully average…let’s see what they can
serve up tonight…
Let’s take care of a couple of pieces of business before
we continue.
First, a moment of silence for “Captain” Lou
Albano…okay, that’s enough. Rest in peace,
Lou…we’ll miss you (even though we haven’t seen you for
years).
In what I’m sure is unrelated news, Aerorubber Rubber
Band Company’s stock value plummeted today…odd.
Lastly, I’ll give you “Great” Scott’s
Recommendation of the Week. Haven’t really
had much time for entertainment, so I’m going to
recommend a Web site that I frequent: www.80stees.com. It's a great
site for many things pop culture-related. A G.I. Joe shirt
they put for sale last week had “The Battle” written on
the top with a pie graph that had “Knowing 50%,” “Blue
Lasers 25%,” and “Red Lasers 25%.” If you’re
younger than 25, you probably have no idea what the hell
I’m talking about, but visit the site anyway. There’s plenty
on there for younger kids…and older ones, too.
Wow, tonight’s main event is actually a PPV-quality
match! I’m
actually excited…but, uh oh, before that I have to
suffer through...
Team RAW Bragging Rights Qualifying
Match—Mark Henry vs. Chris Masters
Sweet Jesus, one of these immobile pieces of crap will
be on team RAW?
Ugh.
What type of bragging rights will team RAW get
out of this?
"Our team has the most immobile, talentless
guy!!"
Whatever.
Well, MVP didn’t make it, so I can’t see Henry
winning…but WWE isn't famous for their logic. A lockup goes
nowhere.
Masters poses and Henry giggles, then proceeds to
fling Masters down and wreck him with a pair of
shoulderblocks.
A third shoulderblock attempt leads Masters to
run like a steroid-infused little bitch. Masters gets
back in the ring and manages a kick and some punches…but
Henry mows him down with a clothesline. Henry clamps on
a double-lazy-fat-guy nerve hold. Masters tries to
get to the ropes, but Henry doesn't want the match to be
any good, so he drags him back to the center of the ring
and clamps the crappy hold back on. Masters escapes
and runs again, but stuns Henry over the top rope when
the silverback gives chase. Masters tries
the crappiest sunset flip I’ve ever seen to re-enter the
ring, and Henry shows his move variety by sitting on
him. He
follows this up by standing on a prone Masters. Masters retreats
AGAIN, and I’m about ready to fall asleep. Henry has
finally had enough, and exits the ring to try and
powerslam Masters.
Masters uses all seven of his IQ points to escape
and send Henry to the ring post. This sequence is
so tiring to these useless sacks of shit that we need to
go to commercial.
Golden Corral is an amusement park of food? I know one ride
you’ll be going on if you eat there…it’s called the
porcelain whirlpool.
We return…and guess what? Mark Henry has a
rest hold clamped on! Who woulda’
thunk it?
During the break, Masters tried to jump on Henry for no
apparent reason. (Dude, at least try to look like you’re
doing a double axehandle or SOMETHING, ya’ knob.) Masters escapes
from a bearhug and kicks Henry’s knee. Masters beats on
the world’s strongest man and works his wrapped knee.
Masters pulls down Henry’s knee pad and continues
to punch and stomp on the knee. Henry finally
kicks out of a spinning toe hold and starts hitting
clotheslines, which he follows up with a headbutt. He tries a slam,
but his knee gives out. Masters tries
for a clothesline, but Henry sloppily picks him up and
just falls forward. The announcers
call it the World’s Strongest (Sloppiest) Slam…so I
guess that's it.
Winner:
Mark Henry
Rating:
Ugh, that match sucked.
I guess the WWE is going to make me work for my
main event.
I think I can do it…I’m a Kellogg’s Kid!!
Ask a Diva!!
Woo hoo!!
We learn that Michelle McCool wants Kane in her
corner in a mixed tag match…again, these Ask a Diva
segments make my head spin with the sheer amount of
jokes I could type. However, goofing
on these women is like beating a blind kid at tag.
The evil stereotypes are in the back…and they’re
walking…ANGRILY!
Apparently, Kozlov has graduated from fighting
jobbers to fighting GLORIFIED jobbers!
Snoop Dog is hosting RAW on Monday. I’ve got to
admit…at least he seems like he’s a genuine fan and
someone who knows the product. I mean, Nancy
O’Dell? WTF
was that all about?!?
Borderlands looks pretty awesome…you gotta’ love any
game that has a “bazillion” guns, if you believe the
commercial. I have a
reservation in for that game at Gamestop...I’ll let you
all know what I think in a few weeks.
We go from slow to even slower as our next match is…
Vladimir Kozlov (with Ezekiel
Dreamer tries a go-behind, but Kozlov uses a judo-like
throw to fling him off.
Kozlov says some crap in Russian, so Dreamer
shoves him. Kozlov makes a funny face and misses a
charge. A
few moves transpire and dreamer goes for the crappiest
crossbody I’ve ever seen. (Dude, when Mike Knox can hit
a better crossbody than you, you are in serious
trouble.)
Dreamer then low bridges a charging Kozlov, who
goes flying out of the ring. Dreamer follows
with a baseball slide on the evil stereotypes. Dreamer tries to
follow THAT move up by leaping off the apron, but he
misses and hits the most mobile thing at ringside…the
announce table.
Kozlov brings Dreamer back into the ring and
starts working the
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov
Rating:
This match was okay, I guess…I didn’t vomit. Tommy Dreamer’s
getting about as mobile as an elm tree. When you rely on
Vladimir Kozlov to carry you, you’re in serious trouble.
Also, after the match, big Zeke comes in to do
his very similar finisher…which I wish was called the
SuperZeke.
They’re coming out with a Batista DVD set?!? You’ve gotta’ be
kidding me.
They haven’t put out a Ted DiBiase (Senior) DVD
yet, but they’re coming out with a BATISTA DVD?!? I would rather
take $50, burn it, and then hit myself in the nuts with
a rubber mallet than watch that moron wrestle two
consecutive matches. Man, WWE, you
need to hit the vault again…hell, you should remake the
Mr. Perfect DVD with matches HE ACTUALLY FRICKIN’
WINS!!!
Okay, now Pizza Hut is trying to fool people with their
wings?!?
The pasta commercials were bad enough…I still
won’t eat there.
Video package for Jack Thhhhhwwwaaaager. I have to admit,
his lisp is distracting as all hell, but his complete
douche bag schtick is pretty damned funny…I especially
like the pushups.
We’re reminded that Cena and Orton have fought at about
12 PPVs in a row (Orton vs. Cena is THE
rivalry...whether the fans give a shit or not). Honestly, these
two for 60 minutes is going to KILL this pay-per-view.
Every other match is at least semi-intreguining.
I wish someone would get the PPV (because I sure
as hell won’t) and would time how much of the 60 minutes
is spent in a chinlock.
Awwww, shit.
The Miz is joining the commentary crew, which means this
fantastic match is going to end in a fashion most
crappy.
Well, let’s get to it…
John Morrison vs. CM Punk
Before we get to the action, we’re going to take a look
at some commercials…hopefully, this means that the match
won’t be interrupted.
A boy can hope, can’t he?
I want a PS3, but I already have an XBOX 360, a Wii, and
a Blu-Ray player…I just can’t justify the cost. Uncharted and
Uncharted 2 look really cool, though.
If anyone gets a chance to play the new WWE game, let me
know…I have the 2009 version; I’m wondering if the new
version will be any better.
The match starts with the typical feeling out
process…and lots of yammering by Miz. Morrison
proactively starts the match with a headlock. STOP GOING TO
THE FRICKIN MIZ.
Some chain wrestling leads to Punk trying a
monkey flip and Morrison stomping his head. More headlockery
by Morrison.
Miz continues to ruin this match by not shutting
his damn mouth.
Punk backs Morrison to the corner, then knees and
kicks him.
Punk follows up with a spin kick, but gets caught
with a flapjack and a standing shooting star press…nice.
Morrison continues to clamp on the headlocks, but
Punk suplexes his way out and into a cover for two or
so. Punk
locks on a chinlock and pops Morrison with an elbow.
Morrison escapes, but runs into a low powerslam.
Punk tosses Morrison to the outside while Miz
fights with Todd like a pair of sixth graders. Did they
seriously think this match NEEDED Miz at ringside? Why couldn't he
have just interfered at the end like he's going to do?
Also, is the cameraman the Miz’s dad or something? The cameras
haven’t stayed on the actual match for more than thirty
seconds or so at a time.
Crap, commercials…like I said, a boy can hope. Way to crush my
dreams…
We’re back, and 1.5 seconds in, we get a shot of the
Miz’s shit-eating grin.
During the break, Morrison was forward suplexed
over the ring steps…bummer for him. Punk has his
legs wrapped around Morrison’s midsection. Morrison
escapes, but an elbow drop meets knees. Punk continues
by stomping on Morrison, tossing him about eight feet in
the air, then kicking him out of the ring. Punk tries to
suplex Morrison back in the ring, but Morrison flips
over him and tries a schoolboy. CM Punk regains
control with an abdominal stretch. During the rest
hold, Miz makes me hate him more. Morrison finally
hip tosses his way out of the hold. Punk tries to
charge Morrison in the corner, but Morison moves and
Punk hits the ring post. Morrison punches
back and hits a clotheslines, which he follows up with a
leg lariat.
A pin attempt gets a 2.646 count for Morrison.
Punk tries a kick, but Morrison ducks and hits an
awesome-looking spin kick to Punk's back. Punk hits a
kick-ass reverse suplex (that Chris Benoit used to do in
the old N64 video games). Punk hits the
running knee in the corner, but Morrison shrugs off the
bulldog and knees a seated Punk in the face. Morrison slams
Punk in the corner and goes for Starship Pain, but Punk
crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Punk tries a
suplex, but Morrison elbows him down. And because I
must’ve sinned profusely in some past life, Miz comes in
the ring and stomps CM Punk…drawing the DQ.
Winner:
CM Punk (by disqualification)
After the results are announced, CM Punk tries to sneak
up on Morrison, only to get kicked into next week.
Rating:
Despite the complete annoyance that was the Miz, that
match wasn’t too bad.
I must say that, even though he interfered, he
did so intelligently, winning the match for CM Punk.
So, let’s give out some awards!
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness
Award: The last match
was actually good…not great, but good.
Biff Tannen Butthead Award: A two-way tie between the first
match and the Miz’s announcing…they both sucked an equal
amount…which is a lot.
Have a “great” weekend, folks. I’ll see you all
next Thursday evening!
Buh-bye!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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