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WWE Superstars Recap for October 15, 2009

Hello, everyone!  I’m back to watch the show that the WWE uses to store the crap they can’t fit into their other three shows!  Last week’s show was woefully average…let’s see what they can serve up tonight…

Let’s take care of a couple of pieces of business before we continue.  First, a moment of silence for “Captain” Lou Albano…okay, that’s enough.  Rest in peace, Lou…we’ll miss you (even though we haven’t seen you for years).

In what I’m sure is unrelated news, Aerorubber Rubber Band Company’s stock value plummeted today…odd.

Lastly, I’ll give you “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.  Haven’t really had much time for entertainment, so I’m going to recommend a Web site that I frequent: www.80stees.com.  It's a great site for many things pop culture-related.  A G.I. Joe shirt they put for sale last week had “The Battle” written on the top with a pie graph that had “Knowing 50%,” “Blue Lasers 25%,” and “Red Lasers 25%.”  If you’re younger than 25, you probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, but visit the site anyway.  There’s plenty on there for younger kids…and older ones, too.

Wow, tonight’s main event is actually a PPV-quality match!  I’m actually excited…but, uh oh, before that I have to suffer through...

Team RAW Bragging Rights Qualifying Match—Mark Henry vs. Chris Masters

Sweet Jesus, one of these immobile pieces of crap will be on team RAW?  Ugh.  What type of bragging rights will team RAW get out of this?  "Our team has the most immobile, talentless guy!!"  Whatever.

Well, MVP didn’t make it, so I can’t see Henry winning…but WWE isn't famous for their logic.  A lockup goes nowhere.  Masters poses and Henry giggles, then proceeds to fling Masters down and wreck him with a pair of shoulderblocks.  A third shoulderblock attempt leads Masters to run like a steroid-infused little bitch.  Masters gets back in the ring and manages a kick and some punches…but Henry mows him down with a clothesline.  Henry clamps on a double-lazy-fat-guy nerve hold.  Masters tries to get to the ropes, but Henry doesn't want the match to be any good, so he drags him back to the center of the ring and clamps the crappy hold back on.  Masters escapes and runs again, but stuns Henry over the top rope when the silverback gives chase.  Masters tries the crappiest sunset flip I’ve ever seen to re-enter the ring, and Henry shows his move variety by sitting on him.  He follows this up by standing on a prone Masters.  Masters retreats AGAIN, and I’m about ready to fall asleep.  Henry has finally had enough, and exits the ring to try and powerslam Masters.  Masters uses all seven of his IQ points to escape and send Henry to the ring post.  This sequence is so tiring to these useless sacks of shit that we need to go to commercial.

Golden Corral is an amusement park of food?  I know one ride you’ll be going on if you eat there…it’s called the porcelain whirlpool.

We return…and guess what?  Mark Henry has a rest hold clamped on!  Who woulda’ thunk it?

During the break, Masters tried to jump on Henry for no apparent reason. (Dude, at least try to look like you’re doing a double axehandle or SOMETHING, ya’ knob.)  Masters escapes from a bearhug and kicks Henry’s knee.  Masters beats on the world’s strongest man and works his wrapped knee.  Masters pulls down Henry’s knee pad and continues to punch and stomp on the knee.  Henry finally kicks out of a spinning toe hold and starts hitting clotheslines, which he follows up with a headbutt.  He tries a slam, but his knee gives out.  Masters tries for a clothesline, but Henry sloppily picks him up and just falls forward.  The announcers call it the World’s Strongest (Sloppiest) Slam…so I guess that's it.

Winner: Mark Henry


Ugh, that match sucked.  I guess the WWE is going to make me work for my main event.  I think I can do it…I’m a Kellogg’s Kid!!

Ask a Diva!!  Woo hoo!!  We learn that Michelle McCool wants Kane in her corner in a mixed tag match…again, these Ask a Diva segments make my head spin with the sheer amount of jokes I could type.  However, goofing on these women is like beating a blind kid at tag.

The evil stereotypes are in the back…and they’re walking…ANGRILY!  Apparently, Kozlov has graduated from fighting jobbers to fighting GLORIFIED jobbers!

Snoop Dog is hosting RAW on Monday.  I’ve got to admit…at least he seems like he’s a genuine fan and someone who knows the product.  I mean, Nancy O’Dell?  WTF was that all about?!?

Borderlands looks pretty awesome…you gotta’ love any game that has a “bazillion” guns, if you believe the commercial.  I have a reservation in for that game at Gamestop...I’ll let you all know what I think in a few weeks.

We go from slow to even slower as our next match is…

Vladimir Kozlov (with Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Tommy Dreamer (with XXXL shirt)

Dreamer tries a go-behind, but Kozlov uses a judo-like throw to fling him off.  Kozlov says some crap in Russian, so Dreamer shoves him. Kozlov makes a funny face and misses a charge.  A few moves transpire and dreamer goes for the crappiest crossbody I’ve ever seen. (Dude, when Mike Knox can hit a better crossbody than you, you are in serious trouble.)  Dreamer then low bridges a charging Kozlov, who goes flying out of the ring.  Dreamer follows with a baseball slide on the evil stereotypes.  Dreamer tries to follow THAT move up by leaping off the apron, but he misses and hits the most mobile thing at ringside…the announce table.  Kozlov brings Dreamer back into the ring and starts working the Yonkers native's arm with some pretty cool-looking holds and punches.  Matt Striker sells the injury like Dreamer has been decapitated.  Dreamer tries a small package, but can’t get the duke.  Kozlov hits an arm DDT and continues to work the elbow.  Striker continues to use a bunch of medical terminology and acts like Dreamer is about to DIE…we get it, bro, you’re a smart guy…we get it.  Kozlov hits a slam, but can’t follow up with an elbow.  Tommy lands some punches and dodges a Kozlov corner charge.  Tommy connects with a running knee, then hits a second rope clothesline and a seated dropkick that gets a 2.535 count.  Dreamer mounts the second rope and punches Kozlov twice before getting dumped to the apron.  Tommy recovers and stuns Kozlov over the top rope.  This, however, distracts the ref long enough for big Zeke to yank Tommy’s arm.  Kozlov headbutts Dreamer and then finishes him with his Rock Bottom chokeslam thing.

Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov


This match was okay, I guess…I didn’t vomit.  Tommy Dreamer’s getting about as mobile as an elm tree.  When you rely on Vladimir Kozlov to carry you, you’re in serious trouble.  Also, after the match, big Zeke comes in to do his very similar finisher…which I wish was called the SuperZeke.

They’re coming out with a Batista DVD set?!?  You’ve gotta’ be kidding me.  They haven’t put out a Ted DiBiase (Senior) DVD yet, but they’re coming out with a BATISTA DVD?!?  I would rather take $50, burn it, and then hit myself in the nuts with a rubber mallet than watch that moron wrestle two consecutive matches.  Man, WWE, you need to hit the vault again…hell, you should remake the Mr. Perfect DVD with matches HE ACTUALLY FRICKIN’ WINS!!!

Okay, now Pizza Hut is trying to fool people with their wings?!?  The pasta commercials were bad enough…I still won’t eat there.

Video package for Jack Thhhhhwwwaaaager.  I have to admit, his lisp is distracting as all hell, but his complete douche bag schtick is pretty damned funny…I especially like the pushups.

We’re reminded that Cena and Orton have fought at about 12 PPVs in a row (Orton vs. Cena is THE rivalry...whether the fans give a shit or not).  Honestly, these two for 60 minutes is going to KILL this pay-per-view.  Every other match is at least semi-intreguining.  I wish someone would get the PPV (because I sure as hell won’t) and would time how much of the 60 minutes is spent in a chinlock.

Awwww, shit.  The Miz is joining the commentary crew, which means this fantastic match is going to end in a fashion most crappy.  Well, let’s get to it…

John Morrison vs. CM Punk

Before we get to the action, we’re going to take a look at some commercials…hopefully, this means that the match won’t be interrupted.  A boy can hope, can’t he?

I want a PS3, but I already have an XBOX 360, a Wii, and a Blu-Ray player…I just can’t justify the cost.  Uncharted and Uncharted 2 look really cool, though.

If anyone gets a chance to play the new WWE game, let me know…I have the 2009 version; I’m wondering if the new version will be any better.

The match starts with the typical feeling out process…and lots of yammering by Miz.  Morrison proactively starts the match with a headlock.  STOP GOING TO THE FRICKIN MIZ.  Some chain wrestling leads to Punk trying a monkey flip and Morrison stomping his head.  More headlockery by Morrison.  Miz continues to ruin this match by not shutting his damn mouth.  Punk backs Morrison to the corner, then knees and kicks him.  Punk follows up with a spin kick, but gets caught with a flapjack and a standing shooting star press…nice.  Morrison continues to clamp on the headlocks, but Punk suplexes his way out and into a cover for two or so.  Punk locks on a chinlock and pops Morrison with an elbow.   Morrison escapes, but runs into a low powerslam.  Punk tosses Morrison to the outside while Miz fights with Todd like a pair of sixth graders.  Did they seriously think this match NEEDED Miz at ringside?  Why couldn't he have just interfered at the end like he's going to do?  Also, is the cameraman the Miz’s dad or something?  The cameras haven’t stayed on the actual match for more than thirty seconds or so at a time.

Crap, commercials…like I said, a boy can hope.  Way to crush my dreams…

We’re back, and 1.5 seconds in, we get a shot of the Miz’s shit-eating grin.  During the break, Morrison was forward suplexed over the ring steps…bummer for him.  Punk has his legs wrapped around Morrison’s midsection.  Morrison escapes, but an elbow drop meets knees.  Punk continues by stomping on Morrison, tossing him about eight feet in the air, then kicking him out of the ring.  Punk tries to suplex Morrison back in the ring, but Morrison flips over him and tries a schoolboy.  CM Punk regains control with an abdominal stretch.  During the rest hold, Miz makes me hate him more.  Morrison finally hip tosses his way out of the hold.  Punk tries to charge Morrison in the corner, but Morison moves and Punk hits the ring post.  Morrison punches back and hits a clotheslines, which he follows up with a leg lariat.  A pin attempt gets a 2.646 count for Morrison.  Punk tries a kick, but Morrison ducks and hits an awesome-looking spin kick to Punk's back.  Punk hits a kick-ass reverse suplex (that Chris Benoit used to do in the old N64 video games).  Punk hits the running knee in the corner, but Morrison shrugs off the bulldog and knees a seated Punk in the face.  Morrison slams Punk in the corner and goes for Starship Pain, but Punk crotches him on the top turnbuckle.  Punk tries a suplex, but Morrison elbows him down.  And because I must’ve sinned profusely in some past life, Miz comes in the ring and stomps CM Punk…drawing the DQ.

Winner: CM Punk (by disqualification)

After the results are announced, CM Punk tries to sneak up on Morrison, only to get kicked into next week.


Despite the complete annoyance that was the Miz, that match wasn’t too bad.  I must say that, even though he interfered, he did so intelligently, winning the match for CM Punk.

So, let’s give out some awards! 

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  The last match was actually good…not great, but good.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  A two-way tie between the first match and the Miz’s announcing…they both sucked an equal amount…which is a lot.

Have a “great” weekend, folks.  I’ll see you all next Thursday evening!  Buh-bye!



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).