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WWE Superstars Recap for October 8, 2009

 

Happy Thursday, gang!  I’m back again with another “great” recap of WWE’s fourth string show.  I did some research this week and I found out that I’m going to be recapping ANOTHER Crime Time vs. Hart Dynasty match…Can the WWE really not see that their tag team division is pathetic?  I realize that the WWE has to put together enough television for four shows (seven total hours) each week, but WWE dumps guys constantly and there are like a dozen guys on the roster (Jamie Noble, Festus, Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang all come to mind immediately) that fight like once every two months.  Instead of having the same guys fight EVERY WEEK (Yeah, Yoshi Tatsu is good, but EVERY WEEK?!?), why not put some teams together and see if they work.  I’m still pulling for the SuperFreaks (The Hurricane and Goldust) to take the titles.

Now that my pointless rant is out of the way, let me make “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.  I told you (all four and a half of you) that I was going to see Zombieland, and I lived up to my word.  It was fantastic.  If you liked Shaun of the Dead, go see Zombieland.  If you like zombie movies and DIDN’T like Shaun of the Dead, you’ll definitely like this, too.  It’s got a little more overt comedy, but it’s got some “smart” comedy like SotD.  On the other hand, I give two thumbs down to Adventureland.  My wife rented this movie; it’s like Napoleon Dynamite mixed with Clerks, but with the soul completely sucked out.  I think I laughed twice.  It’s just…bleh.

Okay, we have all that out of the way…let’s get to this week’s sports entertainment excitement!

First, I’m reminded that I’ll be treated to a tag match I’ve seen 4,054 times…whoopee!

However, we’re going to see at least two matches before we get to our extremely worn out main event…the first of which is…

Ted DiBiase (with black eye) vs. Evan Bourne (with absolutely no momentum whatsoever)

Before the match, the announcers try to sell the epicness of the Legacy vs. DX match at the PPV.  I think I would’ve been pretty pissed at the outcome of every match, especially the Punk/Taker match, but….hold on…DiBiase’s on the mic, and it seems as if he’s been attending the “How to Talk Reeeeeally Slowly” classes that Randy Orton teaches.  However, it is pretty funny that he dedicates the match to Cody Rhodes and asks for a moment of silence, like Rhodes is dead.  That was kinda’ funny.

Bourne comes out next to a good amount of cheering.  DiBiase starts quickly, pummeling Bourne in the corner.  He follows up with an elbow to the chest and a punch, but Bourne ducks a clothesline and tries to go for a crucifix. However, DiBiase will have none of that shit, and he falls down into a quasi-Samoan drop.  Bourne fights back with some kicks, which send DiBiase to the outside.  Bourne follows up with an INSANE crossbody from the top rope and then tries to perform a hurricanrana off the ring apron to DiBiase on the floor. DiBiase, again, will have none of that shit.  He catches Bourne and giant swings him into the security barricade…ouch.

I like how Geico won’t reveal the nationality of the gecko…as if anyone gives a flying frack.

Mario can sneak bombs onto a plane because security people are too lazy to search him!!

The voices in my head give me advice about car care, too.

We’re back, and DiBiase has a chinlock clamped on…there’s a legacy for ya’!  Bourne fights to a vertical base and hits a nice spin kick.  DiBiase fights back with a flurry of punches and MORE kicks.  A quick set of reversals leads to DiBiase punting Bourne in the face and stomping him on the mat.  DiBiase punches Bourne in the face the way his dad used to punch…but then he misses, which opens the window for some more kicks by Bourne.  Unfortunately for Evan, DiBiase manages to grab him and fling him hard to the corner so he can punch him some more.

I want to like this match, but it’s really creeping along and it’s very punch and kick heavy.  DiBiase finally switches it up by hitting a nice drop kick, but he doesn’t really follow it up…he just walks around.  He finally tries to lock in Dream Street, but Bourne flips out and hits a few more kicks.  The two start running off the ropes, Bourne stops short, and DiBiase MOWS him down with a clothesline that gets a 2.8576 count.  Ted locks on a chinlock, Bourne escapes, and the two switch move attempts. Bourne finally hits a kick off the second rope.  Bourne hits kicks number 104 and 105, a huricarana, a low dropkick, and a seated clothesline.  He drags DiBiases to the corner to finish him off, but DiBiase grabs his leg. Evan puts a stop to this by kneeing DiBiase in the head.  Bourne tries another kick, but DiBiase ducks and hits Dream Street FTW.

Winner:  Ted DiBiase

Rating:  

This match really tried to be better than average, but when 90% of the time is spent punching, kicking, and chinlocking…I just can’t say it’s more than average.

Ask the Divas.  Michelle McCool’s favorite guilty pleasure is pizza and icing on Friday night…followed by putting a toothbrush down her throat on Saturday morning.  Katie Lea actually says something funny when the question is about a co-worker stealing your work…just do a crappy job and let them steal that!  That comment almost made the segment not complete suck.  Finally, Jillian is getting immense…she’s gotta’ be pregnant.

The next match is Shelton Benjamin vs. Sheamus…and Shelton has the big “I’m going to lose because I’m hurt” bandage on his shoulder.  Subtlety, thy name is WWE.

If I had kids at my school that dressed like giant playing cards, I’d mock them, too.

Did you know…that everyone already knows that WWE gives free tickets to military personnel?

Whoa…a large white spot just appeared on my TV, which means it’s time for…


Sheamus vs. Shelton Benjamin

Sheamus looks like Morgan Spurlock on steroids.  The announcers piss me off righ away by saying that Shelton Benjamin is the greatest Minnesota athlete. (Ummmm…Mr. Perfect is from Minnesota, Matt. Ya’ dickhead!)  Sheamus works the arm early, but Shelton fights back, sending Sheamus to the outside with an elbow. The Irishman returns the favor by wrapping Benajmin’s arm around the ring post.  Sheamus sends Benjamin to the post, shoulder-first, not once, but TWICE.  A pin barely gets two…a second pin doesn’t even get one.  Sheamus continues to work the arm and shoulder.  Shelton sells the injury like a CHAMP.  Shelton, however, manages to punch his way out, but can’t hit his finisher. Sheamus regains momentum by hitting an arm DDT.  He follows up by removing the tape from Benjamin’s arm, which Matt Striker likens to removing a marine’s body armor and sending him into a Taliban camp.  More arm workage in the form of stomps leads to a pin attempt that fails for the white wonder.  Sheamus continues to punches Benjamin in frustration and goes back to working the arm.  The crowd is kinda’ dead…probably because of the boring first match and the snail’s pace of this one.  Shelton gets to the ropes, but Sheamus stomps away at his shoulder until…he’s disqualified?!?  Ah, Jesus, what a crappy cop out ending…until Sheamus hits a SWEET bicycle kick on a wounded Shelton Benjamin.

Winner:  Shelton Benjamin (by DQ)

Rating:  

I was really torn on this…the psychology was pretty good, and Shelton sold really well.  The pace was sorta’ slow, but I understand what they were trying to do…until the stupid ending.  You guys couldn’t have Sheamus win the first match of what’ll probably be a 64-match feud?  Really?  It’s funny; I’ve hated the ending to both matches so far.  I think the first match should’ve ended with a Bourne surprise win with a DiBiase post-match beatdown and the second match should’ve ended with a Sheamus clean pin due to the Benjamin injury…but booking WWE matches is too complicated for a PLEBEIAN like me…I’ll never understand!!!

The best thing about RAW?  Santino trying 14 times to pronounce Ben Rothesberger’s last name. (Bra-less wonder!  Classic.)  Also on RAW, The Miz loses on Sunday and wins the belt the next day, and the tag team champs are made to look like complete pussies again…seriously, why even have those belts anymore?

Speaking of tag teams..we have an interview with the Hart Dynasty.  Even though it’s a little rote, it’s a pretty cool interview.  It’s a shame that these two are in a worthless tag division.  Enjoy your never-ending battle with Cryme Time, fellas!!

I’ve never like Gran Turismo, or any other simulation-based racer…I have to commute 100 miles every day; the last thing I want to do is drive more, even in a video game, unless I can smash or shoot the cars next to me.

YO YO YO!!  It’s time for the main event!

Cryme Tyme (wyth Eve) vs. The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya)

JTG and Tyson Kidd are going to start off.  Kidd starts with some chain wrestling, a scream, and a shit-eating grin.  JTG locks on a headlock.  Some bounces off the ropes ends with JTG hitting a pair of armdrags.  JTG tags to his partner, and Kidd escapes to tag Smith.  The big men lock up, and exchange forearms and punches.  Smith ends up in the corner, but Shad charges right in…to a pair of Canadian knees.  Smith puts the boots to Gaspar and tags to Kidd.  The two try a double team, but Smith ends up getting clotheslined.  Kidd hits a low dropkick, but Shad still manages to fling him out of the ring.  Shad amazes the hell out of me by hitting a running clothesline from the apron to the floor.  Nice.  This move provides the network with enough time to fit in a commercial break.

Man, this Domino’s commercial is wearing thin…`nuff said.

Dude, who’s going to spend money to ask if they can milk a hamster?  I think I’ll spend 99 cents to ask KGB that question!!

Potholes talk like white trash women!  Does anyone else think Geico has one too many ad campaigns going on right now?  Cavemen, a gecko, the money with the eyeballs, and now a white trash pothole…it’s about time to send the cavemen and the gecko to pasture, folks.

We’re back, and JTG has Kidd in the corner…where the gangsta’ hits some mounted punches and the jumping face masher.  Kidd manages to get to his corner, and Smith starts to pummel JTG.  JTG fights back by dropkicking Smith into the opposite corner.  Smith tries a powerslam, but JTG fights out.  Smith distracts the ref, allowing Kidd to run the apron and dropkick JTG into the ringpost.  Smith pounds on JTG some more and then he hits the Dr. Death slam in the corner.  More pounding and a chinlock by Smith.  JTG punches out, but Smith hits a nice belly-to-belly suplex.  Smith tries to bust out a PILEDRIVER…OLD SCHOOL…but JTG flips out of it.  Some reversals follow, leading to a JTG bulldog.  Shad and Kidd are both tagged in, with Shad hitting a big shoulderblock.  Gaspar hits Kidd with a suplex to front slam move that gets 2.5765, but Kidd fights back with some kicks and a crucifix attempt.  Shad blocks the attempt, but Smith boots him in the face.  The Hart Dynasty tries the Hart Attack, but JTG holds Kidd’s leg as he bounces off the ropes.  Natalya gets involved to distract the ref, allowing Eve to grab Smith’s leg as he tries to lock on the Sharpshooter.  Now Smith is distracted, which allows Shad to hit his reverse STO-esque finisher for the win.

Winners:  Cryme Tyme

Rating:  

The match was okay…I think I’m just getting tired of this match and its many forms.  Eh.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  If this were the “1.21 Gigawatts of Averageness Award,” I could award it to pretty much everything on this show.  As it is, nothing in this show was awesome…except for the minimal exposure to Orton, Cena, and The Undertaker.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Even though this is a fourth-string show, there’s no excuse to have the same match five thousand times.  Also, the booking was horrid…Evan Bourne has been looking terrible from a credibility perspective; Sheamus, a guy I would think you’d want to push, couldn’t beat a one-armed man; and Cryme Tyme really shouldn’t be winning matches against The Hart Dynasty…really.  Bad booking wins the award tonight.

That’s it folks…the most average episode of Superstars EVER.  Have a better than average weekend…I’ll see you next week!   

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).