“Great”
Scott’s Superstar Recap for October 1, 2009
Wow! It’s October
already?
Damn, the older I get, the faster the years go
by. Well,
enough self-pity, because I’m sure I’ll need it as the
night goes on, especially if this week’s show is as bad
as last week’s.
Before we get to the festivities, let me hit you with
“Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.
This week, I'm reading a book one of my high school
English teachers (who I still correspond with from time
to time) recommended—The Things They Carried. It's by a fellow
named Tim O'Brien.
It's a helluva good read so far. It's really
intense for a work of fiction. You get all
comfortable reading a story and then POW, he puts
something in it that's downright disturbing. It's got a
herky-jerky pace that's probably a pretty good
representation of how war would be…a lot of memories of
small moments that stand out among chaos. Good stuff.
Also, it's not too late to look at my video game pitch
at www.unlockxbox.com. Just type
"mediocre" in the search field. Come on,
people!!
277 people have been awesome enough to view my
video, what about you?!? Don't you want
to be cool?!?
Seriously, though, even though views don't carry
any weight (I don't think) any support would be
appreciated.
With that out of the way, let’s get on with the show. Hey, Kofi
Kingston vs. The Miz? That’s one decent match. However, before
we get to that, we get…
Shad (with his posse) vs.
Tyson Kidd (with his troupe, eh?)
Seriously, WWE, GET SOME MORE DAMN TAG TEAMS!! They have
literally had 2,454 permutations of these teams
fighting.
Is this feud ever going to end?
Man…
Kidd hides in the corner to start, then hits a kick. He moves around
and hits another kick, which just pisses off the big
man. Kidd
screams upon clamping on a headlock, but he’s tossed to
the ropes, and then shoulderblocked. Shad tosses Kidd
to the corner, beats on him, then throws him nearly the
entire length of the ring. Kidd manages to
get to his feet in the corner, and Shad avalanche
splashes him.
A biiiiig high toss and throwdown by Shad is
followed by a Dickies work boot to the gut. Shad tosses Kidd
to the corner again, but the Canadian dropkicks the leg
of the charging gangsta’. Kidd ties Shad’s
leg around the ropes, but the ref breaks it up. Kidd tries to
charge, but Shad tosses him to the floor. A fight on the
outside leads to Shad hitting a big boot to the
ringpost…ouch.
Kidd racks the leg over the ring apron, stomps it
a bit, then wraps on a wicked Sharpshooter-looking hold
around the ring post. Kidd decides to
shove JTG, which causes him to undress…everyone gathers
to fight. I
couldn't quite hear what the two groups were saying, so
I'm going to ad lib:
Yo’ homies, why you be trippin’?
What are you all upset aboot, eh?
You crackas' be all up in our grills, yo!!
Canadians in the hooooooooooossssee!!!
Okay, my jokes when it comes to these two teams are
wearing thing…probably because they've fought each other
in some way, shape, or form 4,643 times. Let's go to
commercials.
Absolutepoker.net…the home of the MOST AWESOME PUNS IN
THE UNIVERSE!!
You know what’s stupider than an aardvark mascot? PAYING TO GET
THE ANSWER TO QUESTIONS YOU CAN LOOK UP FOR FREE ON THE
INTERNET!!!!
Ya’ stupid doorknobs!
We’re back, and Tyson Kidd has a leglock clamped on. Shad manages to
escape, but Kidd continues the assault. Let’s see how
Shad sells this later. Will he forget
about it, just like Kane?!? Tyson Kidd only
does rest holds so he can scream more…I’ll betcha’. Shad uses his
mighty leg to boost Kidd outside the ring. Little Naitch
yells at the Canadians to get away from Kidd, who sneaks
in and dropkicks Shad's knee. Kidd is tossed,
lands on his feet, charges, and is quickly clotheslined
back down.
Shad hits another pair of clotheslines, and then
back body drops Kidd. Shad's leg is
MIRACULOUSLY HEALED!!! PRAISE JESUS!!
Shad looks like he's going to do a suplex, but he
flips Kidd into a face-first slam. He tries a pin, which
doesn't work, and then he tries his finisher, but Kidd
elbows out.
Shad tries to eject Kidd from the ring, but Kidd
holds on to the ropes and stuns Shad over the top rope.
Kidd launches himself off the ropes, right in to
whatever Shad’s finisher is (The Crunk Smushing
Finale?).
Winner:
Shad
Rating:
That match wasn’t too bad…perfectly acceptable. Shad didn’t
really sell the leg too well, and I don’t believe Shad
should’ve won, but the pace was pretty good. Kidd and JTG are
the two talents of the teams…and they both lost their
recent matches, which is kinda' silly. I like both of
these teams, but I really don’t think I can stand seeing
any more pairings.
Ask the WWE Divas…The sheer amount of jokes I could make
about this segment is mind boggling. What did
Michelle McCool want to be when she grew up? Ummmm…
Undertaker’s flavor of the month? How does Mickie
James maintain a relationship? Umm…..by just be super
smokin’ hot?!?
I like that the author of the second question was
named "Corky."
Come on, WWE writing team, let's not name our
letter writers after the kid on Life Goes On.
After
some boring commercials, we're getting right back to
some more action...ECW style!
Sheamus vs. Tyler Reks
Tie up goes nowhere.
Dueling hammerlocks and another tie up continue
to go nowhere.
Some shoves and nose kissing ala Randy Orton (or
Eskimos).
Punches back and forth. A hiptoss and a dropkick
from Reks sends Sheamus to the outside. An Irish kick
and punch answered by Reks. Reks tries to
leap over a charging Sheamus in the corner, but Sheamus
just stops and hits a clever kick to the midsection,
then hits some mounted punches and a gutbuster, which
gets a 2.43 count.
Sheamus wraps on a pretty unique looking hold
that looks like a seated modified abdominal stretch
chinlock kinda' thing, while the announcers ponder
whether Sheamus is an albino. Sheamus sets
Reks up in the corner, but the surfer tries a sunset
flip, Sheamus reverses, but Reks moves out of the way of
a Sheamus elbow drop. Reks
fights back and slams Sheamus’s head to the mat, then he
hits a weird looking breakdance-elbow that looks like
every other pose first move ever (The Worm, The Rock
Bottom, The Five-Knuckle Shuffle, The Ballin' Elbow, and
on and on and on).
Something happens while I’m typing, and Sheamus
hits a bicycle kick to the chin of Reks to get the three
count…that was sudden.
Winner:
Sheamus
Rating:
That actually was shaping up to be a decent match, but
it just…ended.
It was okay.
Leave it to Al Sharpton to make me not care about
educating our youth.
Seriously, attaching him to this initiative is
like having Michael Vick doing commercials for the
ASPCA.
Sharpton is a parasite that thrives on
controversy.
Man, Magic Johnson is HIV positive and he looks BETTER
than he did when he was healthy!!
Insane.
Shit…we come back from commercials and we get a video
package on Randy Orton.
I really hate this guy…and not because of his
heel antics.
Let me just put this out there…I don’t really
pretend to be a know-it-all when it comes to wrestling.
I don’t consider myself a “smart,” I mark out for
The Hurricane, for crying out loud. However, Orton’s
interviews are boring as hell, he can’t emote at all (he
just stares…), his moveset is ridiculously limited, we
all know that he overrelies on chinlocks, and every
storyline he’s involved in is exactly the same…Wile E.
Coyote can at least mix it up from time to time. I’m not even
going to mention his outside the ring antics…because
I’ve only heard rumors…I just hate him as a performer.
Villains are supposed to be clever and unique
(The Joker, Lex Luthor, Casanova Frankenstein…I’ll give
more extra credit for the source of that
reference.)…Orton is just a bowl of vanilla ice cream
with
a big turd in the middle of it.
Finally, we’re done with that shit, and we’re on to our
main event…
The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
I like this pairing.
If the rest of the PPV card wasn’t so crappy, I
would look forward to the triple threat match. A little kid in
the audience is doing the boom boom boom because he's
awesome! Kofi
chant and Miz headlock to start. Shoulderblock
and staring.
Some trash talking follows.
Another tie up and a hammerlock by
Man, I don’t get to go as many cool places as the
Travelocity garden gnome.
I’m jealous.
KGB, because the clerk at the lingerie store shouldn’t
be able to answer questions about bra sizes…the
hell?!!?!
Use Touch of Gray and you can screw your shrink!!
Punk vs. Undertaker… the most controversial decision in
WWE title history?!?
CoughcoughBretHartcoughcough.
We’re back, and Kofi is still whooping on Miz. Kofi tries to
kick Miz on a corner charge, but Miz uses a pretty
clever leg-breaker to stop Kofi’s momentum. Miz starts to
work the leg with kicks and elbow drops. Miz takes it to
the ground with an ankle lock and some knee drops. Miz whiffs on an
elbow, and Kofi locks on a rear chinlock. Miz escapes with
a kneebreaker.
Miz sits on Kofi’s knee twice as the Jamaican's
leg is draped over the bottom rope, but Kofi kicks him
over the top rope on the third attempt. Kofi attempts to
bring Miz back in the hard way, but can’t get it to
work, so Miz wraps his leg around the ring post a bit.
A pin attempt gets 1.75.
Kofi tries to fight back, but Miz just sneers.
Another kneebreaker is reversed into a
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Rating:
That was a pretty good match. Decent pacing,
good selling, and it advanced the plot of the PPV match.
Speaking of the PPV match, Jack Swagger comes out and
lays the smackdown on both guys. He hits his
powerbomb on
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness
Award: The main event
was really good.
Nothing on the show was all that bad.
Biff Tannen Butthead Award: The matches were
all good, but the Randy Orton video package sucked…a
lot.
Thank goodness for this good show…two bad ones in a row
would’ve crushed my spirit. I want all of
you to have a good week. Me and the
missus are headed to see Zombieland this
weekend…Recommendation of the Week candidate?!? We’ll see. "Great"
Scott….OUT!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!