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“Great” Scott’s Superstar Recap for October 1, 2009

Wow!  It’s October already?  Damn, the older I get, the faster the years go by.  Well, enough self-pity, because I’m sure I’ll need it as the night goes on, especially if this week’s show is as bad as last week’s.

Before we get to the festivities, let me hit you with “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week.

This week, I'm reading a book one of my high school English teachers (who I still correspond with from time to time) recommended—The Things They Carried.  It's by a fellow named Tim O'Brien.  It's a helluva good read so far.  It's really intense for a work of fiction.  You get all comfortable reading a story and then POW, he puts something in it that's downright disturbing.  It's got a herky-jerky pace that's probably a pretty good representation of how war would be…a lot of memories of small moments that stand out among chaos.  Good stuff.

Also, it's not too late to look at my video game pitch at www.unlockxbox.com.  Just type "mediocre" in the search field.  Come on, people!!  277 people have been awesome enough to view my video, what about you?!?  Don't you want to be cool?!?  Seriously, though, even though views don't carry any weight (I don't think) any support would be appreciated.

With that out of the way, let’s get on with the show.  Hey, Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz? That’s one decent match.  However, before we get to that, we get…

Shad (with his posse) vs. Tyson Kidd (with his troupe, eh?)

Seriously, WWE, GET SOME MORE DAMN TAG TEAMS!!  They have literally had 2,454 permutations of these teams fighting.  Is this feud ever going to end?  Man…

Kidd hides in the corner to start, then hits a kick.  He moves around and hits another kick, which just pisses off the big man.  Kidd screams upon clamping on a headlock, but he’s tossed to the ropes, and then shoulderblocked.  Shad tosses Kidd to the corner, beats on him, then throws him nearly the entire length of the ring.  Kidd manages to get to his feet in the corner, and Shad avalanche splashes him.  A biiiiig high toss and throwdown by Shad is followed by a Dickies work boot to the gut.  Shad tosses Kidd to the corner again, but the Canadian dropkicks the leg of the charging gangsta’.  Kidd ties Shad’s leg around the ropes, but the ref breaks it up.  Kidd tries to charge, but Shad tosses him to the floor.  A fight on the outside leads to Shad hitting a big boot to the ringpost…ouch.  Kidd racks the leg over the ring apron, stomps it a bit, then wraps on a wicked Sharpshooter-looking hold around the ring post.  Kidd decides to shove JTG, which causes him to undress…everyone gathers to fight.  I couldn't quite hear what the two groups were saying, so I'm going to ad lib:

Yo’ homies, why you be trippin’?

What are you all upset aboot, eh?

You crackas' be all up in our grills, yo!!

Canadians in the hooooooooooossssee!!!

Okay, my jokes when it comes to these two teams are wearing thing…probably because they've fought each other in some way, shape, or form 4,643 times.  Let's go to commercials.

Absolutepoker.net…the home of the MOST AWESOME PUNS IN THE UNIVERSE!! 

You know what’s stupider than an aardvark mascot?  PAYING TO GET THE ANSWER TO QUESTIONS YOU CAN LOOK UP FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET!!!!  Ya’ stupid doorknobs!

We’re back, and Tyson Kidd has a leglock clamped on.  Shad manages to escape, but Kidd continues the assault.  Let’s see how Shad sells this later.  Will he forget about it, just like Kane?!?  Tyson Kidd only does rest holds so he can scream more…I’ll betcha’.  Shad uses his mighty leg to boost Kidd outside the ring.  Little Naitch yells at the Canadians to get away from Kidd, who sneaks in and dropkicks Shad's knee.  Kidd is tossed, lands on his feet, charges, and is quickly clotheslined back down.  Shad hits another pair of clotheslines, and then back body drops Kidd.  Shad's leg is MIRACULOUSLY HEALED!!!  PRAISE JESUS!!  Shad looks like he's going to do a suplex, but he flips Kidd into a face-first slam. He tries a pin, which doesn't work, and then he tries his finisher, but Kidd elbows out.  Shad tries to eject Kidd from the ring, but Kidd holds on to the ropes and stuns Shad over the top rope.  Kidd launches himself off the ropes, right in to whatever Shad’s finisher is (The Crunk Smushing Finale?).

Winner:   Shad

Rating:   

That match wasn’t too bad…perfectly acceptable.  Shad didn’t really sell the leg too well, and I don’t believe Shad should’ve won, but the pace was pretty good.  Kidd and JTG are the two talents of the teams…and they both lost their recent matches, which is kinda' silly.  I like both of these teams, but I really don’t think I can stand seeing any more pairings.


Ask the WWE Divas…The sheer amount of jokes I could make about this segment is mind boggling.  What did Michelle McCool want to be when she grew up?  Ummmm… Undertaker’s flavor of the month?  How does Mickie James maintain a relationship? Umm…..by just be super smokin’ hot?!?  I like that the author of the second question was named "Corky."  Come on, WWE writing team, let's not name our letter writers after the kid on Life Goes On.

After some boring commercials, we're getting right back to some more action...ECW style!

Sheamus vs. Tyler Reks

Tie up goes nowhere.  Dueling hammerlocks and another tie up continue to go nowhere.  Some shoves and nose kissing ala Randy Orton (or Eskimos).  Punches back and forth. A hiptoss and a dropkick from Reks sends Sheamus to the outside.  An Irish kick and punch answered by Reks.  Reks tries to leap over a charging Sheamus in the corner, but Sheamus just stops and hits a clever kick to the midsection, then hits some mounted punches and a gutbuster, which gets a 2.43 count.  Sheamus wraps on a pretty unique looking hold that looks like a seated modified abdominal stretch chinlock kinda' thing, while the announcers ponder whether Sheamus is an albino.  Sheamus sets Reks up in the corner, but the surfer tries a sunset flip, Sheamus reverses, but Reks moves out of the way of a Sheamus elbow drop.   Reks fights back and slams Sheamus’s head to the mat, then he hits a weird looking breakdance-elbow that looks like every other pose first move ever (The Worm, The Rock Bottom, The Five-Knuckle Shuffle, The Ballin' Elbow, and on and on and on).  Something happens while I’m typing, and Sheamus hits a bicycle kick to the chin of Reks to get the three count…that was sudden.

Winner:  Sheamus

Rating: 

That actually was shaping up to be a decent match, but it just…ended.  It was okay.

Leave it to Al Sharpton to make me not care about educating our youth.  Seriously, attaching him to this initiative is like having Michael Vick doing commercials for the ASPCA.  Sharpton is a parasite that thrives on controversy.

Man, Magic Johnson is HIV positive and he looks BETTER than he did when he was healthy!!  Insane.

Shit…we come back from commercials and we get a video package on Randy Orton.  I really hate this guy…and not because of his heel antics.  Let me just put this out there…I don’t really pretend to be a know-it-all when it comes to wrestling.  I don’t consider myself a “smart,” I mark out for The Hurricane, for crying out loud.  However, Orton’s interviews are boring as hell, he can’t emote at all (he just stares…), his moveset is ridiculously limited, we all know that he overrelies on chinlocks, and every storyline he’s involved in is exactly the same…Wile E. Coyote can at least mix it up from time to time.  I’m not even going to mention his outside the ring antics…because I’ve only heard rumors…I just hate him as a performer.  Villains are supposed to be clever and unique (The Joker, Lex Luthor, Casanova Frankenstein…I’ll give more extra credit for the source of that reference.)…Orton is just a bowl of vanilla ice cream with

               
       

a big turd in the middle of it.

 

Finally, we’re done with that shit, and we’re on to our main event…

The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

I like this pairing.  If the rest of the PPV card wasn’t so crappy, I would look forward to the triple threat match.  A little kid in the audience is doing the boom boom boom because he's awesome!    Kofi chant and Miz headlock to start.  Shoulderblock and staring.  Some trash talking follows.    Another tie up and a hammerlock by Kingston.  An elbow from Miz leads to a hammerlock for him.  A nice quick series ends in a trip up by Kingston.  Miz sends Kofi to the corner, but can’t follow up.  Kingston hits a flying chop and clamps on another headlock.  Miz backs Kofi to the corner and lands a series of punches and knees, despite the ref trying to break it up.  Miz hits his through-the-ropes clothesline and EMOTES!!  Taking notes, Randy?  Miz goes to the top, but Kofi catches him with a punch to the gut that gets a 2.7 count.  Kofi goes back to the headlock, which leads to another series of escapes and reversals.  Miz sends Kofi off the ropes, but Kofi hits two shoulderblocks, a flying forearm, and a kick that sends Miz to the outside.  Kofi is going to launch himself outside the ring, but Miz just runs away like a little girl…which is actually pretty funny.  Josh says that Kofi is “rolling,” which is funny for a couple of reasons…and we head to commercial.

Man, I don’t get to go as many cool places as the Travelocity garden gnome.  I’m jealous.

KGB, because the clerk at the lingerie store shouldn’t be able to answer questions about bra sizes…the hell?!!?!

Use Touch of Gray and you can screw your shrink!!

Punk vs. Undertaker… the most controversial decision in WWE title history?!?  CoughcoughBretHartcoughcough.

We’re back, and Kofi is still whooping on Miz.  Kofi tries to kick Miz on a corner charge, but Miz uses a pretty clever leg-breaker to stop Kofi’s momentum.  Miz starts to work the leg with kicks and elbow drops.  Miz takes it to the ground with an ankle lock and some knee drops.  Miz whiffs on an elbow, and Kofi locks on a rear chinlock.  Miz escapes with a kneebreaker.  Miz sits on Kofi’s knee twice as the Jamaican's leg is draped over the bottom rope, but Kofi kicks him over the top rope on the third attempt.  Kofi attempts to bring Miz back in the hard way, but can’t get it to work, so Miz wraps his leg around the ring post a bit.  A pin attempt gets 1.75.  Kofi tries to fight back, but Miz just sneers.  Another kneebreaker is reversed into a Kingston pin attempt.  Miz retorts with a running kick to the dome of Kingston.  Miz locks on a figure four.  Kingston tries to regain control with a roll up, some punches ,and some chops, but he can’t hit a clothesline, which allows Miz to chop block him and lock in a half crab.  Kingston gets to the ropes and Miz breaks.  Miz charges the injured Kingston, but he misses, bounces of the ropes, and gets caught by a wicked, way-too-close Trouble in Paradise for the win.  Wow, that looked brutal.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston

Rating: 

That was a pretty good match.  Decent pacing, good selling, and it advanced the plot of the PPV match.

Speaking of the PPV match, Jack Swagger comes out and lays the smackdown on both guys.  He hits his powerbomb on Kingston and shines his massive choppers for all to see.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  The main event was really good.  Nothing on the show was all that bad.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  The matches were all good, but the Randy Orton video package sucked…a lot.

Thank goodness for this good show…two bad ones in a row would’ve crushed my spirit.  I want all of you to have a good week.  Me and the missus are headed to see Zombieland this weekend…Recommendation of the Week candidate?!?  We’ll see.  "Great" Scott….OUT!

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).