Hello, everyone. "Great" Scott is here, and frankly, he's terrified. This is my thirteenth recap, and we all know that 13 isn't a lucky number. I'm afraid...I'm very afraid.

Before this week's inevitably bad action starts, let me get to my "Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week. This week, I'm going to do a little self-promotion. Xbox and Doritos are holding a contest at www.unlockxbox.com. It's a video game design contest and I've entered it. I've posted a two-minute video and 200-word pitch for my game idea. The name of my game is The Adventures of Mediocre Man. Just type that name in the Search field at the top of the window and take a look. I have over 200 views, and while views don't figure into the judging, it's good to see that I'm getting support. While you're at the site, you should also look at some of the other videos. There's one game called No Escape in which a fat guy eating a sandwich lays on a couch with his moobs out for all to see?it's funny and repulsive all at once.

Chris Masters vs. Primo (without Colon or ability to remove salt and water from digested food)

Primo's music sounds like the music in every cruise ship port I've ever docked in (and I've been on five cruises). As I look at Chris Masters, I think of an old comment Jim Cornette made about Vince McMahon's hair (back when Vince was an announcer). It's really great what Masters does with his hair; he should be around when they do it. ZING!

Masters starts with some stomps and clubbing blows to the back. Masters whips Primo to the ropes, and Primo reverses it into a pair of dropkicks to Masters' knees. Primo busts out the simple jobber offense that Masters reverses into a corner charge. Primo pops Masters with an elbow and hits a hurricarana, but Masters nails a clothesline to put Primo down. Masters follows with a leg drop to the midsection and a pin attempt. Three elbows from masters and a choke on the second rope. Hulk Hogan legdrop gets a 2.34 count. Masters hits a backbreaker to follow and keeps it locked on as a submission hold. Primo hits some knees to escape, but can't follow up, as Masters hits a powerslam. Unfortunately, two pins can't keep Primo down. Masters hits a shoulderblock and a knee in the corner. This match is goooooiiiiiinnnnngggggg soooooo slllllllooooooowwwwwwlllllllllyyyyyy...Masters misses on his THIRD legdrop attempt (way to vary that offense there, Chris), allowing Primo to hit some punches. Masters reverses a whip and Primo bounces out of the corner. Masters signals for the Masterlock, but Primo hits a kick, a kneelift, a pair of clotheslines. He hits a spinning elbow and missile dropkick to get 2.87643 count. Primo whips Masters into the ropes and tries to hit a springboard bodypress, but masters catches him and puts him in the Masterlock in a pretty smooth transition...for a big, useless lug. Primo slides out and rolls Masters up for a three count. Holy guacamole!

Winner: Primo

Rating:  

The match actually kinda' sucked, and Masters in control means a plodding pace, but Primo actually won, so I'll add a Doc Brown and a half.

William Regal is in the back with his stereotypical bad guys!! He's going to be fighting GOLDUST!! Woo hoo!

Our main event is Matt Hardy vs. Kane...I guess this week's show was created to even out last week's good show. Sucks to be me...I knew this thirteenth show would be trouble.

If the money is so damned easy to catch, why should I switch to Geico?

Advice for women: Never date a guy who feeds cardboard cutouts of sports stars.

I want to see a movie this weekend...Surrogates or Informant! Decisions, decisions.

Did you know that WWE can't think of anything new to say, so they just uses an old Did You Know?

Wow, no filler here as we head straight to...

Goldust vs. William Regal

Wow, nice 1950s suits, announce team! Goldust looks thrilled to be jobbing again. Does William Regal really need his sidekicks for this match? Really? Goldust doesn't have to worry about the sidekicks, anyway, they can only beat up jobbers.

Lockup goes to the corner... and Goldust breaks clean. Regal begins to work the arm, but Goldust reverses and leg drops Regal's arm, which the Englishman sells like a champ. Regal whips out a go behind and a takedown on Goldust. Goldust reverses again and wrenches the arm. Goldust hits a shoulderblock, but a second attempt allows Regal to send Goldust outside. Goldust quickly gets back in, only to get booted by Regal on his way in. Regal continues to work the golden arm of Dustin Runnels. Goldie gets back up and hits some big punches, but Regal takes him right back down and continues to wrench the arm. Since he?s a dick, Regal even begins to wrench the fingers of Goldust. Some back and forth punches followed by a pair of clotheslines, an atomic drop, and a bulldog from Goldust. He misses a corner charge, but powerslams an advancing Regal. The two racial stereotypes get involved, with Ezekiel Jackson waiting for about a minute and a half until the ref is watching to punch Goldust...and he gets his "boss" disqualified. Another (cue sarcasm.....now) awesome ending. Jobbers 2, Non-Jobbers 0.

Winner: Goldust (by DQ)

After the match, Regal's minions beat up Goldust and Regal locks on the Regal Stretch. However, pretty much the entire face roster from ECW comes out to help (Yoshi Tatsu, Christian, and Tommy Dreamer). These guys beat the "unbeatable and completely unstoppable" heel team in about ten seconds...sigh.

Oh, yeah, let's give this a rating...

Rating:  

That match was okay, but the ending was so botched and choreographed that I'm taking away a full Doc Brown. And having these two guys that you're building up as being completely unstoppable getting taken out by a short pudgy guy, a 100-pound Asian, and Lanky McLankinstein is absolutely ridiculous booking.

What a coincidence...a game called Section 8 got all 8s (and a 4 out of 5 from GamePro...which EQUALS an 8 out of 10). WILD!

Batista's back!! You know what that means!! One more piss break match per PPV!! Basketballs BEWARE!!

Speaking of piss breaks, Batista takes on Big Show tomorrow on SmackDown...ohboyohboyohboy I wish I recapped THAT show!

Oh boy, they're adding another match to the typical three-match format. And it's a divas match. Whoopee!

Michelle McCool and Layla vs. Maria and Melina

Michelle McCool is just a K-Mart version of Maryse...who has the exact same schtick and looks 10 times better doing it.

Melina looks like a female version of Max Moon this evening. (That's an obscure reference for all you crappy gimmick fans.)

McCool starts and puts a quick beating on Melina. Melina reverses a backbreaker attempt into a leg scissor/head slam combo, Melina blocks some kicks, rips off Trish Stratus, and tags out to Maria, who rips off Mr. Perfect and hits a split punch. A move or two later and Michelle distracts Maria long enough for Layla to hit a sloppy kick, scream, hit a neck breaker, and tag Michelle. McCool comes in and does some generic heel stuff, and tags back out to layla, who locks on a sleeper/chinlock hold. Maria butts out, but layla lays her out and locks the hold back on. Maria escapes, but can?t tag Melina, who Layla takes a swipe at. Melina distracts the ref long enough for Michelle McCool to hit a big boot ala Hulk Hogan. This treachery allows Layla to get the three count.

Winner: Michelle McCool and Layla

Rating:  

It's sad when the divas match has a more diverse move set than the first two matches combined.

After the match, Maria looks pissed at Melina for distracting the ref. Do I smell a feud no one cares about brewing? However, if the feud ends with Melina posing in Playboy, I will take that last statement back.

I thought Donovan McNabb got his rib injury playing football?but it was really from moonlighting at IHOP!!

Ask the Divas caught me off guard...nothing worth saying, except for the fact that Jillian looked pregnant...is she? I'm too lazy to find out. If she's not, she looks like a blimp.

A video package of Undertaker vs. Teddy Long. Teddy Long is the WORST ACTOR EVER. His "let me outs" were pathetic...

Also, here's another rant for you. Is The Undertaker that against losing that there needs to be a complicated scheme for C.M. Punk not to lose his belt in their first match? It would've made Punk look like a little bit less of a pussy if he would've just gotten disqualified. God forbid anyone who hasn't been around for 20 or more years look convincing against 'Taker.

Enough of my complaining, let's get back to our MAIN EVENT!!

Matt Hardy vs. Kane

After Matt hits the ring, we go to commercials.

John Cena and Al Sharpton on the same episode of RAW?!? Wow, I'm glad I don't have to watch THAT show. Give me mediocre matches with second and third string superstars ANY DAY.

Kane enters after the commercial, and Hardy looks concerned because he knows Kane's not going to sell. We start with a lockup that sends Hardy to the corner. Kane whiffs a super slow-mo punch. Matt hits one punch before Kane tosses him away like a rag doll. More slo-mo offense by both men leads to Hardy draping Kane's arm over the top rope and yanking it. Hardy continues to work the arm for about seven seconds before Kane remembers he doesn't sell more than one move in a row and goes on the offensive. Kane works Hardy in the corner and hits his seated dropkick. Hardy tries to punch out, but Kane ignores it and slams him. Kane can't follow with an elbow drop, allowing Hardy to hit some weak looking punches and kicks. Kane gets enraged and charges; Hardy pulls down the top rope and Kane moves at about .00003 miles per hour over the top to the floor. Because of the FAST PACE of this match, we need to go to commercials. This match has been terrible, even by Superstars standards. I really want to cut this short, but I'll stick with it because I'm a TROOPER!

We're back, with Matt fighting back...right into a chokeslam. He slips out, hits a punch, but runs into a boot. Kane hits some knees to Hardy's head...which is exactly how I feel watching this match. Kane chokes Matt over the second rope and whips Hardy to the opposite corner. Kane drops an elbow to hardy's back, then hits another after doing some weird rest hold. Kane chokes hardy with his foot, then clamps on a bearhug. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz......oh, sorry, Hardy tries to punch out, but Kane sends him to the corner, then hits a sidewalk slam that gets a 2.4 count. Kane stalks Hardy and locks on another bearhug...dear God. Hardy headbutts and punches his way out and hits some more punches. Kane, of course, won't sell, and clamps Hardy in a British Bulldog powerslam position, but Hardy slips out and does something that I can't identify (that looks like kicking the back of Kane's leg) because Kane doesn't sell it correctly. Some shit happens while I'm typing, resulting in one of the sloppiest bulldogs I've ever seen from Matt. Elbow to Kane's head doesn't do much. A Side Effect attempt is blocked by Kane. Hardy tries a Twist of Fate that's blocked, but Matt hits a super duper slo-mo DDT. Matt backs Kane into the corner, but the ref separates them. Matt tries a twist of fate again, but Kane crotches him on the top rope. He does it a second time and...gets disqualified?!?!? WTF!?!? I didn't even know you could get disqualified for that...however, at least that put me out of my misery.

After the match, Kane continues to make Hardy look terrible by chokeslamming him. I guess no-selling every one of his moves wasn't enough, huh?

Winner: Matt Hardy (by DQ)

Rating:  

That match was absolutely terrible, 'nuff said.

Shitty endings? Check. Terrible, no-selling wrestlers? Check. Terrible divas? Check. Yup, that episode had everything I didn't want in an episode of Superstars.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Primo and Goldust won matches.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Everything else....EVERYTHING ELSE.

That was perhaps the worst episode of Superstars EVER. Man, I hope next week's episode is a little better...that was agonizing. I'm going to go take some aspirin...and wipe the blood out of my eyes and ears.