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WWE Superstars Recap for September 17, 2009

“Great” Scott’s back again!! I’m here to watch another episode of WWE Superstars so you don’t have to! You’re welcome! Let’s get right to work with “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week!

This week has been insanely busy, as my wife and I have been doing some major retooling of the house…so I’m going to recommend one of my favorite comic musicians, Richard Cheese. The guy takes popular music and turns it into Vegas lounge music. He’s pretty damned funny. If you haven’t listed to him, go to YouTube or Google and give him a listen. He also has a Web site where you can buy his CDs relatively cheaply.

You know, I was thinking of changing it up a bit and changing my weekly recommendation to a weekly “Great” Scott’s Ten Greatest list…but I’m going to leave it up to my readers, all seven and a half of you. Whaddaya’ think? Stick with the current formula or switch it up a bit? If I did the “Ten Greatest” list, I think I would take reader suggestions…because it’s all about INTERACTIVITY BAY-BEE!! Let me know what you think…

So, on to the sports entertainment. It’s been an interesting week…Zack Ryder loses a match, then wins a battle royal ten minutes later; DX loses to a couple of over-pushed clones when Shawn Michaels is supposedly "beaten into submission," then Michaels wins his match the next day; we're getting another Cena vs. Orton PPV main event; and they keep Morrison vs. Ziggler off the PPV because they didn't have enough time to build up the feud, but C.M. Punk and Undertaker fight, despite the fact that UNDERTAKER HADN'T FOUGHT A FRICKIN' MATCH IN SIX MONTHS!! Popping out of the ring once and a couple of interviews do not a proper build up make.

That's enough pointing out stupid logic flaws in WWE's game plan…I have to go to work in the morning.

So, tonight, the main event is Finlay vs. Dolph Ziggler. Okay, I’m up for that. Unfortunately, before we get to the good stuff, I have to sit through…

Chris Masters vs. Santino Marella

You know I’m a big fan of an improved tag team division…Chris Masters and Chavo could be the Mexican Plug Masters…just a suggestion.

Santino comes to the ring to a huge pop. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but face Santino is funnier than heel Santino. Unfortunately, you know he's going to job, just like he did in this exact same match a few weeks back.

The match starts with a lockup from which Santino gets tossed. Masters mocks him and Santino gives him his props. Santino follows with some trickery and scores the match 1-1, but Masters takes down the Italian warrior with a shoulder block. Masters hits a knee to the midsection and a clubbing blow to the back, but he misses on a charge allowing Santino to get a two count on a rollup. Santino informs us that the score is tied 2-2. Santino breaks out more trickery, but tries to follow up with a bodyslam, which ends as you would expect. Masters hits a powerslam, some punches, some kicks, and a delayed suplex. Masters, who is probably mentally exhausted by hitting three different moves in a row, stands there confused for a few seconds, then drops a leg that gets a 2.14 count. Santino fights back with some punches, but is caught trying to hit a cross body. Masters tosses him into a bear hug. Santino tries to put his arms through Master's arms to break the hold, but fails, gets frustrated, and finally steps on Masters’ foot…too funny. Some punches have no effect. Masters continues the beatdown, but that INFURIATES the Italian!!! PUMPED UP SANTINO starts throwing punches and punctuates it with a chop to the plugged dome of The Masterpiece. Santino follows with a low dropkick, a split-hiptoss combo, and a SANTINO LOCK!! BAD ASS!! Unbelievably, Masters breaks it and hits a wicked clothesline. Masters locks in the Masterlock, and Santino looks like he might actually break it, but Masters turns it over into a camel clutch position and Santino passes out, I think.

Winner: Chris Masters

Rating:

This match is getting this rating only because Santino was even funnier than normal.

Ask the Divas. This segment is getting boring as hell. How is asking the Divas if they have hidden talents considered getting advice? Why don’t they just have the Divas stand around in bikinis for a few minutes?

I remember the match with Lesnar and The Big Show where the ring “collapsed.” Ridiculous…

The guy that goofs on the Geico gecko is a douchebag.

Is there any mascot goofier than an aardvark? Actually, there’s one…the South Montana Goth Dickweed.

Christian is here! Apparently, Paul Burchill is going to be rewarded for being the first one eliminated from the battle royal the other night by getting to fight the champ!! Logic RULES!!

We get a C.M. Punk video package. Remember, Punk is a bad guy because he’s drug and alcohol free!! MORE LOGIC!

I must admit, the battle royal on ECW was actually pretty good. The pop Goldust was getting was awesome. However, Zack Ryder is here and he’s looking GAYER than normal, if that’s even possible. He’s out to watch our next match…

Christian vs. Non-Pirate Paul Burchill (sans Katie Lea…crap)

Zack Ryder’s not impressed by Christian. I, however, am impressed by Burchill’s jacket. Burchill is paying homage to Michael Jackson by wearing one glove. The two tie up, but break in the corner. Christian with a takedown, some chain wrestling stopped by Burchill elbows, but Christian retorts with a pair of armdrags. Burchill escapes and takes Christian over. Zack Pack. Christian hits a dropkick. Works the arm some more. Burchill punches out and hits a European uppercut and a body slam. A cover gets precisely two. Burchill takes Christian to the corner and hits some shoulder shots. A charge to the opposite corner allows Christian to hit his flippy kick and a flying drop kick. Christian tries a nother move, but Burchill says f’ that and moves out of the way. Christian leaps down and clotheslines Burchill over the top so we can go to commercials.

Billy Mays is BACK FROM THE DEAD!! And he’s pitching the Awesome Auger!! I wonder if Billy Mays and Tupac argue about who’s more relevant despite their untimely deaths.

Seriously, dude, poker players aren’t gladiators, they’re losers who are good at cards!! Seriously, I kick ass at Scrabble…does that make me a frickin’ Spartan!?!?

We’re back…apparently Christian tried a dive and missed, so Burchill’s in control. Christian escapes, but is Samoan dropped right after. A pin can’t get it done. Burchill remains in control while Zack Ryder is actually pretty funny on commentary. Burchill lays in some punches and follows with a knee drop to the chest. Christian fights out and gets a chant, but Burchill locks in a full nelson and does a Dudley drop. Burchill tries a double knee off the turnbuckles, but misses. Christian climbs to the top, but Burchill meets him there and hits some headbutts. Burchill hits a good-looking super-fisherman’s buster. Paul tries to follow up, but Christian sneaks in a small package. This enrages Burchill, who attacks in the corner. Christian fights back with a tornado DDT that gets him a two count. The crowd is getting pumped. Christian lands some punches and a biiiig back body drop. He drapes Burchill's neck over the second rope (ala Big Boss Man) and stands on his back, and then whips his neck over the top rope. Burchill hits a kick, but can’t follow up. Burchill escapes another tornado DDT, but Christian hits a mule kick and sunset flip off the second rope. Burchill gets up and tries a suplex, but it’s reversed into a reverse DDT drop. Christian follows up with a running forearm to a seated Paul Burchill. Christian tries what I think is flying headbutt off the tope rope, but hits nothing but canvas. Burchill takes advantage by hitting a Saito suplex. Burchill shoves Christian to the corner, but gets booted by Chrisitan when he tries to hit the double running knees. Christian goes up to the second rope and hits his flying European uppercut (okay, Matt Striker, we know that you’re making a clever reference to Street Fighter…enough). Christian finishes off the former swashbuckler with the Killswitch. Wow, that was a REALLY good Superstars match.

Winner: Christian

Rating: That match was about as good as you’re ever going to see on Superstars. An extra half Doc Brown because Zack Ryder was actually funny on commentary.

If you have a bad credit score, you’ll most likely vomit.

Without hair, Randy Orton serious looks like a walking penis. Oh Christ, now I have to sit through a Randy Orton interview. At least he let his hair grow out so he looks less like a man-sized schlong. Cena vs. Orton in ANOTHER frickin’ PPV main event? Really? Man, this really is absurd. I can’t believe I actually WANT Batista to come back…perhaps that’s the WWE’s strategy.

Finlay and Dolph Ziggler are both in the back, and they’re both walking SOMEWHERE.

He’s The Miz, and he SUCKS!

The money you can save with Geico is perverted.

Why bother looking something up on the Internet FOR FREE when you can PAY to have KGB answer it for you?!?

At Breaking Point, The Undertaker wasn’t given the belt in his first match after taking a six-month vacation!!! BLASPHEMY!! I bet it took the creative team two weeks and a lot of ass-kissing to get ole’ Mark to agree to that.

We’re on to our next match…

Dolph Ziggler vs. Finlay

Gotta’ love the vest and glove combo on Ziggler. Man, they have to make Finlay a heel again STAT…that music is horrible! Finlay is a little reluctant to put the shillelagh down. A tieup lasts a bit until Ziggler shoves off, but Finlay hits a powerful shoulderblock and follows up with some brawler-type moves. Ziggler tries to reverse the momentum with a takedown and pin attempt, but Finlay just backs him into a corner. The ref separates the two and we’re back to square one. A side headlock and takedown from Finlay leads to another Ziggler take down. Dolph tries to work the leg, but Finlay twists out. Ziggler escapes to the ropes and compains that Finlay’s boot is untied, which allows the evil Ziggler to attack. However, this doesn’t last, as a pissed off Finlay chases Ziggler out of the ring and into the crowd. This is the perfect opportunity for WGN to fit in some commercials!

Family Ties was an AWESOME show…I’ll be watching.

Not this stupid poker commercial again. Give me a sword and one of these poker dorks a deck of cards and let’s see who wins. I’ll give a new meaning to the phrase “cutting the cards.”

Who knows more about auto insurance than a caricaturist? I can’t imagine.

We’re back, and Ziggler is laying in the punches, but Finlay fights back with punches and a slam. The Irishman locks in a chinlock and Ziggler screams like a girl. Finlay gets a 1.9 count, but Ziggler gets another takedown that leads to a camel-clutch "lite" and an elbow to the head. Ziggler clamps on an odd chinlock that he turns into a front facelock. Finlay gets to the corner, but Ziggler hits a cheap shot. The ref admonishes Ziggler, which gives Finlay time to hit a reverse atomic drop. Zigler sends Finlay to the outside, but is crotched on the ring skirt as he tries to pounce. Ziggler reverses the momentum for the 242 time and “mounts” Finlay again. Ziggler stands finlay up and hits a picture-perfect dropkick for a two count. He clamps on another chinlock, and hits a knee to the back, followed by a big elbow drop. Ziggler locks on yet ANOTHER chinlock and sends Finlay to the corner. He follows with a stinger splash, but can’t get the three count. Ziggler starts to taunt and mock Finlay, and the two trade shots. Ziggler whips Finlay to the corner and pounds the crap out of him. He tries a running elbow, but Finlay moves and hits two elbows and three clotheslines, followed by the butt splash that gets 2.35. Ziggler tries to whip Finlay to the corner, but the two bump noggins and are both down for the count. A backslide from Finlay gets 2.643. Finlay hits a crazy shoulder block, but when the ref goes to move Finlay’s stick, Ziggler rakes the eyes and hits the…Jesus H. Christ, the “Zig Zag” FTW.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Rating:

I would’ve given this 3.5 or 4, but there were too many momentum shifts, too many chinlocks, and Dolph Ziggler’s finisher is called the “Zig Zag.” That’s almost as bad as The Miz’s finisher, which I just learned was called the “Skull-Crushing Finale.” Thanks, Mr. Jones!

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The Christian/Burchill match was great…and Santino was awesome again…it’s too bad he’s nothing more than a training dummy for oafs like Chris Masters.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Two words…Zig Zag.

That's it for me this week! Hope you enjoyed our time together! Have a "Great" weekend.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).